Anxiety & Panic ... ... ... IS IT NORMAL?

I have been fighting these overwhelming surges of anxiety. They come just all of the sudden without warning. It will hit me just like that - even when it seems like a good day. I even experience them while with people like "us" at home, at church or church functions. It is so weird. I can't explain it exactly but it feels like way deep in the middle of my chest like I can't breath. REAL, REAL BAD!!! I try to not think of the feelings or to focus on them(feelings) to much I try hard to think of something else, but I just can't stop the feeling.

Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".

ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...

The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.

I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do

"BEST FRIEND"

Just now as we were tucking Josiah into bed. After daddy had walked out of the room; I was getting dirty clothes out of his closet for laundry. Steve had once again - like EVERY other night been the hero and found "monie"(binki) for bed time. (Yes! "monie" is still around only now that Josiah is a BIG boy for preschool and goes pee-pee in the toilet like BIG boys, "monie" is just there for night -night. CUZ BIG BOY'S 'like cool cousin Roque' DON'T HAVE "monie's")

So every night even though "monie is supposed to stay on his pillow & wait for him! Some how as Josiah pulls down his comforter to jump into bed or sometime after bath time between prayers and lights out "monie" get's lost ALMOST every night! BUT thanks to "Daddy" bedtime is saved cuz "monie" is found and tucked in with Josiah!

So tonight when Steve walked out of the room I said, "Josiah, who has the best daddy?" Josiah replies in a very confident matter- of -fact[loud] voice, "ME!" and just as I took my first step out of his room he pulls "monie" out of his mouth and procliams [even louder] "HIM MY BEST FRIEND, MOMMY!!" I looked back at my baby boy, smiled at him and said, "Yes, baby daddy is your best friend!" Daddy calls from the dining table, "your my best friend too!" Josiah pulls out "monie once more and says,[in a sleepy quiet voice] "forever!"

... ... ... MOMENT'S TO TREASURE

i thank You Lord for moments like these!!!!!!

Special Gifts...

This past weekend we were surprised with a special gift from some very dear friends. People who I grew up with in church and who mentored my christian walk as a young lady. We no longer attend church together however they still remain very dear to my heart. We do not keep in close contact any more like we used to but they knew of Elijah's condition and had been in contact with me through email, offering prayers of comfort and strength as we went through our pregnancy hoping God would change the outcome of Elijah's condition. When Elijah went home to be with Jesus I thought of Rosa & Don"Chano" while I was at the hospital but with my whirlwind of emotions didn't have the strength or emotional energy to call them. They were at Elijah's " life celebration services" and I can't say that I was surprised. I knew I could count on them to be there; faithful friends! (their 2 sons and families also came). It was such a gift of comfort to have them there at such a time in my life.

Well this past weekend my phone rang... a number I did not recognize appeared. I answered and the person on the other end of the line was Don "chano" although it took me a few seconds to recognize his voice, after a few wise cracks(as usual) I knew who he was!
He was calling to tell me that they were in town and had something special I would be very interested in seeing. I gave them directions to our house and within just a few minutes they were here!! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!!!

That wasn't the best part when Rosa & Chano walked in he held a fairly large envelope in his hand and when we asked them to take a seat, he said, "you might want to stand while you open this" for a tiny little bitty second I got scared it was something to do with the "funeral home incident"(blogged days past) BUT IT WASN'T... ... To our surprise he opened the envelope with such tenderness and care and there it was - A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF ART!!! He had a picture of Elijah professionally drawn for us!!! Oh what a treasure!!!!!

Steve and I were practically speechless! I hugged them both - several times I think!!!

It was such a precious and priceless gift; not only the portrait of Elijah but the fact that our baby is not forgotten!!

We are so blessed to have such treasures in the friendships Christ has given us!!!
I encourage you today to reach out to tell someone the gift they are in your life!!! & I will do the same :)
HAVE A SPECIAL DAY!!!

MY HUBBY IS GRIEVING... ... WE NEED PRAYER

I am not sure exactly what to say, what to do or how other daddy's handle this sort of loss. It is so different than us women. We "blog" we reach out. We talk, cry, express. Steve, like I mentioned before has been suffering insomnia- well now he seems to be sleeping a little tiny bit more. I think I forgot to mention that he hurt his back at work. He is home on disability (just what a man needs right? time on his hands/ too much I think - well actually I don't know for sure but I know that now on top of all this stuff we have been going through struggling just to live, pay bills and move forward for our kids and for each other too. Him being at home makes me wonder? is it too much time to think of what we need, of what we lost, what we don't have and all that stuff. I mean there is stuff that has happened like the funeral home incident and about three other major stresses in our life since we said goodbye to our baby. IT HAS TO BE WEIGHING DOWN ON HIM!! IT JUST HAS TO BE!!! He is always so strong for ME, always considerate of my feelings. Sunday afternoon he came home and rested for the entire after noon and when it came time to go to evening service he had a terrible earache and stayed home. We got home and he tucked the kids into bed with me. We even read to them all together. This morning we took Kayla to school then drove back and took Josiah. When we got home Steve told me that last night when he stayed home he read the blog - he said he just broke into tears. HE told me how much he misses Elijah and how often he thinks of him. We held each other and I was strong for him. I told him I was glad that he shared his feelings with me. He told me he doesn't want to make it harder for me because he knows our loss is the same but deeper because I carried Elijah. I think he was afraid I was not going to understand what he was telling me because he kept trying to explain it... BUT I DO GET IT! I just feel so helpless for him. HE is so stressed with our finances!!! PLEASE just help me pray for him to LEAN ON JESUS. Well I know he is because whenever he is up in the middle of the night he is either reading his bible, writing or on the computer and I was looking in the recycle bin for a picture I thought I had tossed and found all sorts of CHRISTIAN OUTREACH & GROWTH SERIES SIGHTS AND other readings like that. When i saw that just now tears just rolled down my face. Steve is such a wonderful man. Since he came to the Lord he has basically lost all his old friends and right now to be quite frank he hasn't really build strong new ones! I mean there are a few men at church - but not real strong connections so I guess that's why it just broke my heart to see him seeking growth and strength on his own. PLEASE JUST HELP ME PRAY FOR MY SWEETIE!! and for me to get this job too also if Steve is released back to work he is going to apply for a job in town working early mornings which is just what we need for our schedule as a family. GOD knows ALL just help us in praying for us to get through this tough time right now!!! I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!!! & I TRUST GOD IS ABLE!! HE KNOWS BEST!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!

My Elijah's "Smartboy Pictures"

Kayla "blogging for 1st time!"

hellow everybody i'm elijah's sister yesterday we pianted a the trolly well... today we built it and then grandma made lunch..mmmmm it was so good i ate 3 plates of rice and then i got fool we had sooo much fun

ITS ME MADDIE "having fun"

hi every one i am elijahs cousin

today me and kayla finished the trolly ......BUT josiah fell and ripd it but it was fun!

MORE PICTURES "Relaxing Saturday"

It's a nice relaxing Saturday

We have been having a yard-sale all weekend (since Thursday). Steve & my mom just love getting together to yardsale!! Me not so much... BUT THEM OH MY GOODNESS LIKE TWO KIDS IN A CANDY STORE!!!

We have been having glorious california coastal weather!! gotta love it! It is fresh and breezy. Living in the Central San Joauquin Valley(3 hours away from the coast) we don't always get this fresh treat but this is just so lovely!!! We are enjoying it to the fullest!!! Here are some pictures of the kids. Last night was the sleep over. All 3 of them played together building a cardboard trolly(their own invention) they painted (yeah a 2 year old and 2 10 year olds alone with multi-color tempra paint) they created a "beautiful masterpiece" oh and the cardboard trolly came out really good too!!!! My bathroom got re-painted too!!! YUP! MY BATHROOM!! They all 3 went into the bathroom to "CLEAN UP" before dinner and thus - my re-painted bathroom sink, cabinets, oh and did I mention I got a fresh coat of "tempra" floor covering?!?!?! YUP!! and just think ladies all that and it did'nt cost me a red cent!!! Hee! Hee! Hee! (whats really crazy is that I didn't lose it when I walked into the bathroom to see my remodel!!!) THEY had a great time and thats whats important.

TGIF!!!

Well It's Friday!!! YIPPY!!! Steve is on his way back from picking up Kayla for the weekend :) can't wait... I missed her!!! she does'nt know that I rearranged her room and put in a new throw rug for her!!! She also has no clue that her daddy is stopping by uncle Ben's to bring Maddie over for a sleep over!!! Josiah is still napping.

2 year old - Too Funny !!!!!

Just got back from bible study.... .... Can't go to bed with out blogging this hilarious little story!!!
i hope you can appreciate the humor and not find it offensive -
church is dismissed and Josiah runs out of class and jumps straight into daddy's arms. They walk straight to the punch container to "need a drink", Josiah says. I'm standing there and Teacher Stacie pulls me close to her and asks (politely), "did you teach Josiah about labor?" "No", I said. and she whisperers trying to keep a straight face as she tells me, "oh because we were all playing ball in class and all of the sudden Josiah darts across the room and says ' I no feel good, I sick, non feel good' Stacie says I asked him whats wrong Josiah as he hops into the bouncer that's in the nursery and says, "my water broke!" Stacie asked him your what? and he said my water broke"
Stacie said she had to do all she could not to bust out laughing!!!

DID I MENTION THIS 2 YEAR OLD BOY WASN'T EVEN AT HOME WHEN MY WATER BROKE?!?!?!? him & Kayla were at Ben & Minn's for dinner (my family had decided that since it was so close to my due date they would give Steve & I an evening alone before Elijah was born and that is when my water broke. SO of course I called my sisters house to tell them it was "time" and they said they all started running around saying Marie's water broke, Marie's water broke!")

So even if he wasn't there with me to see it happen he heard of it and played it out!!!!! way too funny!!
Kinda embarrassing too!!!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

That is how we get through a day... IF it is a good day taking these steps is easy if it is a hard day then putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do to do what we do. It was so nice to here from Susie the other day :) I do get weird thoughts!!! I have a lot of panic and anxiety attacks. The anxiety is just awful! I have noticed I'm not as raging mad these days - It feels so good for the presence and peace of the Almighty God to be OUR SOURCE AND STRENGTH. Most of all it is good to feel His unwavering love and mercy - through it all!

I think I have mentioned before "I'M DESPERATELY looking for a job again!!!! PLEASE PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS TO PRAY FOR ME FOR OKAY!!! appreciate it and know God is able!!!

Josiah is napping right now. He is such a big boy!! he gets home from christian preschool and goes straight to his room and puts up his "piderman backpack" then walks into the bathroom and goes "peeps" (pee) like a big boy standing in front of the toilet TOO CUTE!! then he comes and sits on the couch or at the table and says"lets talk about it momma" I will say "okay, baby how was your day?" and usually his face is full of whatever they served at school as he looks at me and says, "I had a good day for being a big boy momma, I'm big like daddy!!"

Steve has been dealing with a bad case of insomnia (please pray). he hasn't been able to sleep for about 4-5 days. My mom is worried about him. Me too! I woke up at 3 this morning and found him writing in his journal, when he saw that I was awake he asked if I wanted to read what he was writing - It was about Elijah. About his thoughts that he was having the morning of Elijah's burial. He wrote about thoughts he had never shared with me... of how as he looked at Elijah in the white "special crib"(that's what we told Josiah it was called). His thought and feelings of how he would never see Elijah running or giggling. He wrote so many things he hadn't even expressed to me. He is really dealing with all the emotions now.

Right now Steve outside in our back yard. Working in Elijah's Memorial Garden. I'm gonna have to post some pictures of the beautiful bench my brother in law Ben made. He carved Elijah's name in it along with Elijah's verse for his head stone. Psalms 16:11. Ben is Elijah's nino (godparents) and my sister minerva is his nina! Last night Minerva told me that Maddie(her 10yr old) is having a hard time dealing with Elijah's death.... ...

Makes me worry for Kayla - If Maddie is dealing with this imagine Kayla & she isn't always here. I am so worried for her emotional well being - The week after we buried Elijah she left to her moms for two weeks when she came back the first thing she told Steve & I was that her mom told her she was not to ask questions about Elijah, talk about him, or ever even mention his name ever. She told us she was so angry that she started crying and yelling at her mom & the boyfriend and that she wanted to get out of the car so very bad! poor sweet girl. All we can do is pray!!!

Josiah is up from his nap now and outside working in "Lijah's fower garden" with daddy.
I am definitely going to post some of Elijah's "smart-boy" pictures. Except during the move our CD ROM got jammed shut and I cant open it so I'm gonna go to office max to transfer all his pictures from the CD to my flash drive. I will be posting them in the next day or so.

Until next time The Douglas family continues onward one step at a time!
REMEMBER TO KEEP MY JOB IN PRAYER!!!!

Thanks & why am i so mad?????

Just gotta say thanks from the very depths of my heart! I have had so many great responses, which have encouraged me and enabled me to take a deep breath and in the moments that seem so heavily painful;that I can barely breath... I have managed to breath in a breath of fresh encouragement. I don't know how all this grief stuff works but I have already figured that there is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't have any particular order or way of happening. SO THAT, scares me something fierce - Like this anger I have been feeling... Whooah! boy was this so unexpected to me. I mean I keep telling myself, "Marie, YOU believe in GOD and YOU trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. YOU KNOW GOD HAS A REASON AND A PURPOSE FOR THIS". I tell my self that more than a million times a day! But it just doesn't take away the anger that I feel at this moment. The anger of not having my precious 8 week old baby boy! I AM MAD! I'm mad because 25 hours and 30 minutes was not enough time I wanted to bring him home! I know that this must sound so selfish to those of you Mommy's who didn't even get that and I'm so sorry for your heart break too! I'm just saying I feel like this is so unfair. I TOLD GOD TOO!!! I told Him last month. I told Him that my heart hurt so bad and that I didn't think it was fair to not have even let me bring my baby home, not even let me change his diaper. So many things I didn't get to do, like hold him in my right senses not heavily sedated by all the meds from the c-section. I guess I've never shared how stupid I was when Elijah was born... As soon as the doctors took him out. I heard nothing not a whimper not a cry not one single sound. I asked Steve if he was already dead and the doctor heard me and said, "No, he is alive". He called Steve over to him and still no sound. FINALLY the nurse and Steve walked over to me, my hands still tied down. The nurse placed Elijah on my chest and my tears rolled down my cheeks. He was breathing so, so very labored. A very tired faint grunt from deep within him. I began to talk to him. I asked him if he was tired, I asked him if it was hard for him to carry the weight of his big smart brain all by himself with no more water to carry the weight for him. I told him I was so proud of him for being my strong brave boy, for not leaving before I could kiss his sweet face. As the nurses rolled me out of the operating room down the hall and back into my room I kept talking to him. Telling him how many people were their waiting to meet him. How much I loved him. I could see how much he was struggling to take every breath and he was very blue. I cuddled him closer to my face and whispered into his ear, "When Jesus comes for you baby... you can go. I love you Lijah, I love you with all my heart baby, Daddy & I are so proud of you. I want you to stay with me here, BUT mommy knows you are tired baby and when Jesus comes for you, when he comes you can go okay baby?! I LOVE YOU".
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!

BIG DILEMA AFTER DEATH OF MY BABY

Tomorrow my sweet boy would have been 2 months old. I feel so very angry that I don't have him here with me and I know there is a purpose I know he is in a better place. I know I will see him again but all that I know doesn't change anything in my aching heart. I don't know where to begin...

Steve and I found out that the secretary at the funeral home in town took HER teenage son into the funeral home to GALK at my Precious sweet Elijah. We were told by the sons girlfriend that the funeral home secretary took the guy in to see WHAT A BIRTH DEFECTS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE DO DRUGS SMOKE AND DRINK!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY FURIOUS BEYOND WORDS!!!! they gave us very detailed information about Elijah's head so I know it has to have some truth to it!!! Ive been contacting attorneys and BBB I want so bad for this woman to know that what she did was so very wron on so many levels!!! I called the funeral home director and he said "My secretary screwd up" I AM SO FURIOUS MAD how dare them even talk about how my beautiful boy looked!!! it is none of their business to be talking about his body and how GOD chose to make him! That woman knew nothing of me or my life and I only met her for the first time the day I went with my two sisters to out on Elijah's shoes before the funeral!!! any ways I WISH HOPE AND PRAY THAT I GET DIRECTION AND CLOSURE FOR WHAT HAPPENED because that funeral home misconduct was JUST WRONG!!!! any ways thanks for still thinking of us I NEED TO TALK TO SOME OF YOU MOMMAS THAT HAVE BEEN WALKING THE ROAD LONG WITH SUFFERING!!! I MISS HIM SO BAD!!! IF ANY OF YOU MOMMAS have a chance to write me to my email it is stv.mre@gmail.com WRITE TO ME THERE AND WE CAN EXCHANGE ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBERS IF THAT IS OKAY!!! I NEED TO TALK TO A MOMMA THAT KNOWS MY PAIN BY EXPERIENCE NOT just some one who wants to understand I need to know if all my flood of emotions are normal or not!!!! PLEASE I KNOW I SEEM TO HAVE JUST DROPPED OF and did'nt keep you all up two date BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND KNOW THAT I NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS AND SUPPORT

When there is pain in the offering...

Today is September 3rd. ALMOST 2 months since our baby went home! WE ARE SO ACHIE and EMPTY. Ive been having dreams of babies and me crying and last night I dram we were in a church and a little boy dressed in a suit came up to me and gave me a book and told me that Elijah is okay. For some reason in my dream I was so angry because this little boy came and I was mad that I didn't have Elijah... WHO KNOWS WHAT OR DREAMS MEAN ?!?!?! wierd huh

I AM BUSY LOOKING FOR A JOB AND JOSAIH IS IN CHRISTIAN PRESCHOOL. STEVE IS WORKING & KAYLA IS BACK IN SCHOOL!!!

thanks for all the comments and prayers which are so uplifting.

Our Angel Was Laid to Rest

Our little angel was laid to rest on July 16th. He will forever sing in heaven's choir.

First, I want to thank you for all your love and support these past few weeks have been so hard!

I want to share a very small video clip that the Angel Babies photographer made for us. More pictures will come up soon.

Please keep us in your prayers now that all  the formalities are over. The REAL grieving process begins.

I wrote a very small piece as opening words and mentioned all the little Angel Babies who greeted Elijah as he walked through Heaven's gates.

My heart is now with all you empty cradled mommies as we sleep with no more kicking in our bellies.

More later.

Prepared Speech For the Funeral

Steve & I would like to welcome you all here. We are so blessed to be surrounded by all of your heartfelt wishes, prayers, and words of encouragement. This service is in honor and celebration of the life we have been so privileged to nurture and carry:
OUR SON ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS
As Elijah’s parents we invite you to join us as we bless the Lord for all He has done.

This service is no ordinary funeral service. Tonight we ask that you join us as we Worship God for His Excellent Gift: Our Precious Elijah.

On Sunday May 18th, 2008 as we were in worship service, My heart was broken at the thought that my Elijah, who, at the time, was patting and kicking during worship, would not be with me forever; My heart was filled with a serene yet rushing wave of peace As I listened to the worship song which said “HOLY, HOLY IS HE, WORTHY IS THE LAMB” I felt the Lord speak to my heart and say “ JUST AS A DEER PANTS FOR WATER AND YOUR SOUL LONGS FOR ME SO IT IS WITH ELIJAH FROM THE VERY FIRST BEAT OF HIS HEART HE HAS LONGED TO WORSHIP ME- WHEN I TAKE HIM HOME HE WILL BE WORSHIPING AT MY FEET AS YOU LONG TO DO ALSO” in that very moment as the worship played I rejoiced with gladness at the thought that every time I worship and sing to My Lord and Savior I will be joined with my baby boy and in those very moments we will be worshiping together.

Along this painful path we were blessed to meet friends who we bonded with through the internet whom had also been chosen to embark on this long road of loving our little ones through the pain of knowing all too soon their names would be called on Heavens Nursery Roll.

Please join with us as we sing these few worship songs together with Elijah,
Baby Asher + Isaac, Baby Jacob + Baby Joshua, Baby Eva.

Say hello to little baby Elijah. Unfortunatly for us he went home to be with the lord. If you are in the area and wish to attend his funeral services, we apreciate your support. God bless.

Services are as followes: Tuesday night at the Fowler Baptist Church at 7:00 pm.
Wednesday Morning the burial will be at the Parlier Cemetary at 11:Am.

Elijah is with Jesus

Elijah went home to be with our Lord and Savior at 3:49 this morning. Mom and Dad are doing well and will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Please continue your prayers. We will update with more information tomorrow.

Elijah is born!

Elijah Nathaniel Douglas was born on July 9, 2008, at 2:11 a.m. He is 19 1/2 inches long and weighs 7 lbs. He is doing fine.

Marie and Elijah

Marie is fine, but is having some complications, so she is going to have a C-Section shortly.

We're on our way!

Marie's at the hospital having the baby!

Update on Marie and Steve

Hi, my name is Cindy, I'm Marie's best friend, she wanted me to update everyone on what's been going on lately and thank everyone who has been faithful in praying for them.

No internet yet, but Praise be to God! They have been in their new home for about a week! God is faithful! Their new home is just blocks away from Steve's job. It was truly a God thing! And as you can imagine they have been busy getting things situated before Elijah arrives. They have felt every one's prayers and have a tremendous peace in their new home. Josiah also is so comfortable that several times in getting ready to go out, he has started saying that he wants to stay in his new home and once, when they returned he started kissing the fence so glad to be home! :)

She has been packed and ready to go to the hospital for the past two or three weeks. But unfortunately her body is not yet ready to deliver. But as she told me the other day, our days are ordained by God, HE knows the hour and day of our birth. So until then they will, as always, trust in their Sovereign Lord to see them through these next few days. Allowing His perfect will to be done in their lives.

Please continue to pray for them as the day draws near. She will return to the Dr. on Wednesday. Thanks again for opening your heart to my friend and her family, words cannot describe how your encouraging words and also just for reading and praying has helped them in this time in their life. May God's love and blessing be showered upon you and yours. God Bless.

Today? We're all getting together at their home to barbaque and enjoy the town's fireworks. And again to enjoy every moment Elijah is safe inside mommy :) Happy Fourth of July!

A FEW MORE PIC'S

yesturday after beths baby shower SEE WHY I SAY THT I HAVE EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM CAPACITY :)
one more from last friday

SOME RANDOME PIC'S

May 24th
JUNE 3RD
June 7th

UPDATE!!!

Today is Father's Day! I am able to blog because I'm at Minn's house.(hope her compuer doesn't flake out in the middle of this)
WELL... ... where do I begin? SO LOST FOR WORDS! Still growing a beautiful belly and my boy is still as strong as ever. Steve & I are still struggling with oh so many OTHER ISSUES - housing, finances, and custody stuff! ON TOP OF OUR PRECIOUS PAINFUL BURDEN WE ARE BEARING FOR who knows how much longer! I am as swollen as an exploding marshmellow at a camp fire :) people look at me and no matter what i do to look my best I still get all the glares and looks of pitty and even sometimes disgust. (the make up, leg shaving and toe nail polishing are to no avail!!! Cindy even died my hair for me the other night, Beth or Steve have to rub lotion on my legs now because as Beth put it "my body has reached its maximum capacity L.O.L I say I have exceeded maximum capacity but I guess Elijah has the final say :)

The shower was good - very emotional. MOSTLY CHURCH PEOPLE my two cousins Elva & Ruby came and Elva's girls 2 of them. Of course my sisters and mom. Steve's mom came too. We were so blessed by all the encouraging words. Steve & I spoke and it was a good feeling to be able to talk to everyone.

Going to see Dr. every Tuesday now she says I have about two weeks left(MIXED EMOTIONS) today we went to see my father in law and my mother in law asked if i am ready for it to be over ( I so wanted to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS... NO!!!! but inorder to keep polite I just answered nothing and looked away) It was hard but she tries - I guess.

Yesterday was Beth's baby shower(my brother threw it for her). I ACTUALLY HAD A BLAST!!! never once thought of losing Elijah just enjoyed being together with my three sisters Minn, Beth & Cindy and Beth & I were PREGNANT TOGETHER just like we planned and took lots of pic's (cindy has them) played games and came home exhausted!!!!

We have had two of the roughest weeks since we started this journey - very extremely painful and stressful. BUT YESTERDAY on our way to the shower we stopped by Cindy's moms and was surprised to learn that Elijah got a package from Joshua's family in New Zealand :) A SPECIAL HOMEMADE KNIT HAT :) loved it so much thanks Susie!!

Still praying for Jacobs family knowing we too will soon be in their boat

So much more to say about Elijah and the latest info we have gotten from the Dr's but I don't want to run the risk that this computer will flake out on me.

PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY WE CONTINUE TO BE IN THE REFINERS FIRE and it doesnt always make sence and we seem to be in a vert thick fog lately PLEASE WE CONTINUE TO NEED YOUR PRAYERS - we need the doors to open for us to get a place to live on our own ... I just dont want my sadness to weigh down on Beths happiness and I can't always bear her happiness at the same time I'm dealing with my sadness PLEASE EVERY ONE PLEASE PRAY!!!

SO MUCH TO SAY SO LITTLE TIME!

Steve & I came to the Library we just miss being able to log and check out who all is visiting us and our sweet angel, who by the way is getting VERY LARGE for mommy's tummy (I can't figure out who is more uncomfortable - me or him). WE ARE STILL WAITING for everything to go through on the apartment. WE have been going through the roughest days hours minutes and seconds of our life's the journey has become at time unbearable. Just barley able to breath at times... this is how I feel and I know Steve is over whelmed to say the least. STILL we wouldn't trade the moments of hearing Elijah's heart beat and seeing him tumble around inside of me. OR the times that Josiah runs up to me or climbs on me just to kiss his brother or to hear him sing his brothers name. When Kayla is home with us hearing her talk to and about him and feeling her overwhelming love pour out all over her brother in my tummy WE WOULD NEVER TRADE ALL THE SORROW AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WE BEAR THESE DAYS.
And as though we were not already under so much pressure from our daily struggles not only the apartment situation,but my father in law suffered a major heart attack and has been in the hospital ICU for about three weeks. I NEED TO GO NOW BUT HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY!!!!! JUST RAN OUT OF TIME ON THIS COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate not having my own computer at moms house!!!! please pray for us this SAT we will be having Elijah's shower at church and I'm nervous I have pic's to share of my growing baby boy and also pray for Kayla's mom to let her come to the shower

HI ALL!!

I know! I know!! we just seem to have dissapeared for a while but we are not gone! WE STILL ARE IN MUCH NEED OF YOUR SUPPORT LOVE & PRAYERS! We went to our appointment Tuesday and were so very disapointed to find we still don't have "THE MIRACLE " we so desperatley want. We left the office and were silent for most of the 35 minute drive home.
HOME... ... well as things turn out we are still at my moms. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON the people had guarateed us to get the apartment changed their minds and now we are in a bit of a messy situation. I remember once reading Susie's blog and she quoted "why can't we just have one crisis at a time" I so feel like that. I have had so very many questions in my mind latley - I do not doubkt my walk with the Lord I just doublt that I'm doing things right any more. WE READ in the bible that He will never give us more than we can handle... RIGHT NOW I FEEL PRETTY WIEGHED DOWN.

JUST SO YOU KNOW there is no internet service at my moms and in my "FAT, SWOLLEN & still growing condition taking a little trip to the city library to blog is not too high on the list of things I can do right now BUT ALSO I MISS BLOGGING SO VERY BAD! I MISS ALL THE COMMENTS AND JUST BEING ABLE TO communicate. For some reason we feel so good when we are able to blog and see how many hits our precious baby boy's site is getting. I know many of you don't post a comment but just seeing the counter change lifts our spirits. STEVE & I are hoping to order internet service if we end up staying at my moms much longer.

WE DESPERATLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!! The hospital called me this Wednesday and told me to get everything in order. GET THINGS IN ORDER - get things in order to birth and bury my baby boy - who we planned to watch him grow up with his big brother and sister. The baby me & beth were supposed to push in the strollers together and watch meet the mile stones together!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been "losing it" alot latley!!!!! just can't keep the tears from rolling and my emotions are just so raging. I have been very quiet most of the time.

JOSIAH GRADUATED FROM BABY COLLEGE!!

Josiah graduated on Wednesday!! My nephew Josh who made this blog for me is adding the graduation video :)

GOD'S FAITHFULNESS!!

Hi everyone! well first of all Steve & I looked into the laptop and right now $$$$$ is a big issue so we will have to wait a little bit longer :) The unspoken prayer request was about our housing situation... this May we were supposed to sign papers for our house to change from rental to option to buy. HOWEVER AS WE HAVE ALL LEARNED that sometimes life brings things that change the course of our lives as we have them planned it! BUT that's O.K because material things have become so meaningless to us now. "THIS HOUSE" was at one time our dream house BUT now we see that all these "things" are temporal.

SOOOOO.... .... all that said GOD IS SO FAITHFULL on June 1st we should be moving into our new apartment!! IN FOWLER (all the church family, my best friend, my sister and our church and some of our closest friends will all be close by). Right now, we are staying at my moms in order to save a bit on the money.

SURPRISE!!! (sweet times)

Well, I know I said I wasn't gonna post anything for a day or so but... ...

I forgot Beth (josiah calls her Yaya or Yaee) had made a date for her & Josiah to spend the day together today. I had a bit of a melt down in the morning so when I got a call from Yay asking what time Josiah would be available I thought, available? and then I remembered about the "DATE" so Steve & I took him over and they went to Rotary Playland & Storyland "FOR HIS FIRST TIME"!!! He of course had no clue what the place was so we told him its a fun park and he said, "oh church park" meaning the park by the church and we told him no this is a bigger one with rides and lots of fun. Still clueless he got into the car with her and off they drove!!!!!

There are so many more but these are the favorites & all he rode over & over was the cars & lady bugs - she said she couldn't get him on anything else :)

Since Josiah was out on a "DATE" with Yaya Steve decided that my emotions were very frail and that I too would benefit from a "date" so off we went... we went to lunch and a movie! It was such a great thing to be able to get away from everything if even for a few hours. WE laughed and enjoyed eachothers company :) THANKS FOR THE MOMENT BETH!!!!!

Acknowlegements

Remember I asked you all to pray about the fundraiser that was organized by our friends, The Alatorre's (Nicole & Victoria's Parents). Well... THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS! we had a positive response and outpouring of generosity from everyone! I am not exactly sure the totals yet, but I heard from Minn, Cindy & Kito Ben; that the orders just kept coming in!




This fundraiser has made it possible to put a down payment on Elijah's burial plot at Parlier Cemetery; After much thought and consideration Steve & I have chosen to bury him at the same cemetery where Grandma is at (Mom's mom).


A HUGE THANK YOU TO JOE, MARY & FAVORITO RESATURANT IN FOWLER , CA. !!!!


Margie & Roy if you read this blog I gotta tell you how you have lifted my burden & I pray that GOD BLESS & PROSPER YOU IN ALL YOU DO!! I am so touched by the way you & Roy have stepped right into my shoes and decided to walk beside Steve & I. We will never be able to express to you enough, how you have both been an instrument of God's never ending love and strength to us as we face this time in our lives! Thank YOU BOTH!!!

My cousin Sal & National Raisin CO. (his work). Steve & I were so moved when Minn called to tell us that you had collected orders. We appreciate the effort and support we received as we prepare for the bitter sweet arrival of our little angel.

Teacher Megan & All The WONDERFUL TEACHERS at Reedley College Infant School:

Our hearts have been so moved by ALL that you have all done for us. & especially how you have all rallied around my precious Josiah as he too struggles with all the weirdness going on at home, since we found out about Elijah. EACH and every one of you have touched our hearts!


Every One at FOWLER UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT (my old work): There are no words - YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!! Steve & I are so touched by your generosity.


Dr. Verma's Office in Selma - Dr. Verma,Marcie & Antonia & Chuck: Steve & I are so touched by how caring and understanding YOU ALL have been of what we are going through. Your kindness has been so evident every time I call or come in or when Mom comes in and you send your best! Thank you to every one in the office who ordered a plate! Your support is so appreciated!!


A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AT MARGIE'S WORK PLACE IN SELMA! Steve & I are so grateful for your contributions.

ANYONE ELSE WHO ORDERED A PLATE & I DID NOT MENTION YOUR NAME it is only because I did not find out who else ordered - because it was so huge a turn out BUT STEVE & I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!!!

Minn, Cindy, Jared (my godson),Ramona, Dora, Dolores & Sister Mona Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to come out to help deliver plates!!!

I won't be posting anything new til probably Monday because we are in the process of changing internet service providers (and hopefuly switching me over to a lap top :)

have a great weekend every one and thanks for checking in

Special Love, hugs and prayers for all the Mommie's who's hearts are torn between celebrating with their children here with us and the ones in heaven on this MOTHER'S DAY!!! Thinking of YOU with an ache in my heart !! please know I will be praying for you! & pray for me too my only mother's day with Elijah

These words kept running in my head

"CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AS YOU WATCH YOUR DREAMS SLIP AWAY"

Things are just getting really tough right now, not only because of Elijah and all the emotions that brings but because of some other personal situations we are facing. Today I watched Steve take care of some stuff for us and as he was walking back and forth, those words came to my mind:

carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders as you watch your dreams slip away

Steve is a very hard working man. A great provider, husband and Father. I just wish I had the ability to make him feel better like he so often does for me during this journey we are on. As everyone knows yesterday was "Dr. Day" he was unable to go with me because he was taking care of "stuff" so mom went with me. Later on in the day we talked and he finally came to me and said, "I'm tired, frustrated, & feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going - I feel like I can't let myself think about Elijah because if I do I'm going to go down"

what did I say?... NOTHING, just nodded as I rubbed his shoulder! I had no words! How could I - his wife - his "help mate" NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Today as we got stuff done around the house, I saw the weight of the world weighing heavy on my husbands shoulders as dreams are being washed away - and yet through it all...

HE KEEPS SMILING :)

I'm so grateful for worship - I LOVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD where all our hopes & dreams in him will never die!

I don't feel too strong these days so if anyone runs into me & it looks like I've lost my smile. I'm still me - just going through some rough days right now. If I don't write as much - Just hard to put my thoughts together.

PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)

It is just that

MY HEART IS

-broken

-heavy

-torn

-shattered

AND YET ALL THE WHILE SO VERY HAPPY EVERY TIME MY BABY BOY KICKS AND MOVES INSIDE ME because that assures me "he is still with me, I'm still his mommy, I am still caring for his needs right now, and that is such a joy to me - a very fulfilling emotion all the while knowing it will all too soon come to an end.

Mother's Day this year will be VERY DIFFICULT not just because of it being my 1st & last one with Elijah but also because of the MOMMIES I have met since on this journey, and knowing some extent of the pain they walk with. ALTHOUGH WE ALL HAVE THE HOPE OF CHRIST... it just somehow does not fill the void in their arms and hearts. Knowing that I will too be in their place - I WISH I HAD SOME COMFORTING WORDS!!!

I'm so blessed to know WE ARE NOT ALONE!! thanks for being with us and for taking the time to comment and for the prayers - they are so uplifting.

Dr.'s Appointment

I'm getting so close to the due date. Dr. said he's growing (so is his Cele) bitter sweet.
HE'S SO PRECIOUS! & already full of so much "personality" I know this because of how & when he moves(too funny). I think he is just like his big brother!! (details later).

Dr. had me sign consent for vaginal birth. I was so nervous, but then when she came in she sat with me and answered all my questions and explained to me that the best position for him to be born in, is if he is born breech (butt first). Less chance of his Cele to rupture during delivery and better chance for "more time"!!! "MORE TIME that's what I want so, so very desperately!!
PLEASE PRAY, PLEASE!!!

hope you don't mind Susie but I told her about Joshua and how they turned him for you, but she said , "NO WAY, I'm not turning him, can't do it - not allowed"
BUT that's okay, I'll just ask Jesus to do it for us.

I've already talked to Him, about me accepting the fact that I will be letting go of him so quick - now I'll just ask the Lord if He would please grant me the delivery that will give me the most time I can possibly have with my little darling.

A while back The Lord gave Cindy a message about timing and how her time is in His hands...
well today I told Elijah "your time is in His hands baby"

I need to keep telling MYSELF that!!!!

What's On My Mind & My Heart

Well, first of all we still are in "the waiting" for our unspoken request and waiting is one of my worst talents ;) We feel that The Lord is having us STEP OUT in faith. I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Steve & I were talking and he thinks it's because we don't allow ourselves to think too much whenever Kayla is here so we can have a bit of normalcy for her. I think maybe that might be part of it but also tomorrow is "Dr. DAY" that is usually what drains me. I have not been able to blog all day because I keep not knowing what to say. MY HEART IS FEELING SO HEAVY FOR BABY JACOB'S MOMMY(from my side bar) right now. Baby Jacob is struggling! WE NEED TO PRAY FOR THEM!! THIS JOURNEY IS SUCH A HARD ONE TO TRAVEL.

I've been thinking about how sometimes people don't know what to say. I realize that the road we travel is one not understood by all, not lived by all and that everyone has their own lives and daily happenings that fill their days. I too am one of those people it's just that what our reality is right now is what we are living and we cannot escape it. Our baby boy will be born and IF God chooses not to allow him to stay here then WE WILL BE BURYING HIM. While everyone else, even some of our closest relatives & friends CAN forget "it" from time to time and take a break from this emotional storm we are in, WE NEVER forget "it". because "IT" is our daily reality. This morning after we took Josiah to school I came home and slept from 9:30 to 12:00 when we went to pick up Josiah. Steve said I needed to sleep. I was thinking about how right before I fell asleep I told him, "i wish you could take take the hurt away - my heart hurts so strong like when my chest ached physically from broken ribs" (due to an accident) He just held me and said, "so you can acctually feel it? It's not just emotions if you feel it like your ribs!" and I think he wanted to take me to the dr. but I told him thats just how strong the hurt is, knowing I can't plan for my Elijah like I did for Josiah. WELL ENOUGH SAID FOR NOW.

GREAT SUNDAY time together

We went to church and then decided instead of going out for lunch just us, we decided that it would be nice for Kayla to spend some of "mother's day" with grandma & nina (beth),

so Steve bought us one of mine & Beths recent cravings & a long time favorite,rotisserie chicken with all the fixings. We decided inviting Cindy was a must, and she gladly changed her plans to join us. Minn went to go see her mother in law who is in the hospital.

My "Kayla Mother's Day Weekend" was overall very blessed. Lots of quality family time filled with lot's of love hugs and kisses.

EARLY MOTHER'S DAY

Since my precious girl is with her 1st mommy on Mother's Day,


EVERY YEAR WE CELEBRATE the weekend before! TODAY WAS THAT DAY!!!


Daddy got up & got Josiah dressed and told Kayla to get dressed. I was in the bathroom and when I came out daddy was all dressed groomed and ready to go!


We went for breakfast and then took a little trip to the store, shopping for MOM'S DAY!! woowhoo!!!!!! YEAH!!! shopping just for me:)





usually daddy buys two separate gifts one from Josiah and one from Kayla and I usually only get Kayla's early but today we did it all together!





Look what I got from my precious girl, Josiah, Elijah & Daddy!




A BEAUTIFUL & MUCH NEEDED PURSE & MATCHING MAKE UP BAG FILLED!
The make up is exactly like the shades of those in Beth's makeup bag.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!

After our shopping extravaganza we went to the supermarket and Steve bought lots of goodies for a good "old fashion mexican Bar-B-Q" with all the delicious fixings ;')
We headed over to Ben & Minn's place in the country - perfect place to be on a beautiful day like today. We all sat outside enjoying not only the weather but each others company. It is so nice to celebrate special days with friends & family. Mom & Beth, John, Joanne & the kids, the Alvarez clan, of course and Cindy and us. THE KIDS HAD SO MUCH FUN, they played and played and then played some more... without ever once getting bored!
Kayla was invited to spend the night at Maddie's and Steve said, "tomorrow we continue the "MOTHER'S DAY festivities" WOW!!!!
we will be getting up in the morning and heading to church and I'm not sure what we will do afterwards but I will try to get some pictures to post.

On another note we will be meeting once again with the people in regards to our unspoken & urgent prayer request. PLEASE continue to pray that the favor of GOD be with us and that all will work out as HE wants it to. We will know the answer by this coming week.
I AM SO READY FOR THE ANSWER because you know how it feels to be waiting Ugh!
(i don't do that good with waiting without knowing.)
THANKS FOR PRAYING it really is a very important issue and as soon as we know, I will share with all of you, our prayer partners :)
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED NIGHT TONIGHT & A GREAT SUNDAY
THE DAY THE LORD HAS GIVEN US!!!

Just hanging out

Cindy called this morning. I was still in bed and the kids were still asleep. Steve was on the computer. I had a nice long talk (nothing too important or specific just random stuff - pretty fun)
Josiah woke up then Kayla did. I got off the phone after a while because I could here Josiah asking for b-fast.

Steve and the kids came & got into our bed and tumbled around for a while!!! silly kids!! :)

I'm not too sure what we will do today. We have a few different options but right now it just seems like BEING LAZY & DOING NOTHING FEELS LIKE THE BEST IDEA!!!

I guess we will see what the day turns up. It's a real nice day for a BB-Q! (maybe) or to go to the carnival in town - no. i don't know.

THE POWER OF THE MAKE UP BAG!!!

JUST WONDERING...

For the past 2 months I've been in this weird funk. Ever since I stopped working I have become "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" the kind I said I'd never become HA! HA!
see what happens!!
NEVER SAY NEVER!!
Yeah but that's when I was still REAL, REAL STUPID and frivolous, thinking only of myself and how to meet Mr. Right :)
(i found him by the way)

But anyway, I was in this funk and for some reason MAKE UP has become the last thing on my mind. well I went over to moms (on Wednesday) and saw Beth's make up bag sitting on her dresser, i picked it up and began applying make up. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED HOW IT'S DONE! ;)
and to think when Steve met me, he told Ben I was "high maintenance & way out of his league"
IF YOU'VE SEEN ME LATLEY - YOU WOULD LAUGH SO HARD YOU'D PRAOBABLY COLLAPSE

the next day I asked her to let me borrow her make up. we were leaving somewhere and she said, "just take it and give it to me over there".
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
if anyone sees Beth today and she looks like "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" don't say anything PLEASE
because if you see me today...
I DON'T look like "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN"
It is amazing what a make up bag can do :)
I was even so inspired & sprayed some perfume on!!!
THE POWER OF THE MAKE UP BAG!! Hmmm! I guess I should invest in getting me one of those nifty little things - it works wonders :)

DREAMS...DREAMS...DREAMS

I just can't help it. I keep having these dreams of Elijah's birth no more like his death. Earlier this week I had the dream that I was driving from town to town looking for him in the casket and Steve told me we had already buried him, then I had the one that we were at the cemetery and I had no clue what was going on... ... well last night I dram his precious little face. He was so precious. THOSE EYES he was staring so intently into my eyes. I woke up crying. I dozed off again and began to dream again, I dram his voice what a beautiful sound "I know newborns don't talk" but as I was holding him him and looking at him, I heard his voice saying, "Daddy... Daddy" It was the sweetest sound ever. (AND NO IT WAS NOT JOSIAH'S VOICE!!!!!!!!!) I heard him and I know. It was such a sweet soft voice. The soft sound of his voice saying Daddy in such a tender and endearing way.
I WISH I COULD HAVE A WAY TO RECORD AND KEEP IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! (besides in my heart) I woke up crying and Steve just held me we cried together and just talked and talked and talked. I was do afraid of falling asleep because I didn't want to have another dream.
I FEEL SO EMOTIONALLY WEAK TODAY! NO STRENGTH AT ALL. I have stuff to do but no will to do it.

THOUGHTS, just racing wild in my mind. "thank you Jesus because you know my deepest thoughts, you love me and are here with me. I don't have to sort my thoughts in order for you to know what I feel THANK YOU MY JESUS! you are so beautiful to me, to feel your peace in the very core of my being as this rage of emotions tends to overwhelm me YOUR PEACE is with me. I know this even if my mind and my body feel otherwise. MY SOUL KNOW THIS FULL WELL YOU are my confidence my rock and my strength".

TO ALL OUR READERS: need you to know we appreciate you beyond what we can express. I know many of you are aching right along with us.

STEVE WRITES

"TIME FLIES"

It seems like it was just yesterday that we found out about our baby boy's condition and it was almost three months ago FEB. 13, that day is getting closer, that we will have to say Goodbye too our son! We pray that GOD will answer our prayers, but if He chooses not too it will be hard for us knowing that he's not in my wife's belly. We won't be able to talk to him through the belly anymore, or rub and pat him through the belly! that feeling will be tough to get through, but GOD will see us through this very sad time. It will be hard on our whole family that day, but it will also be a celebration too. Our son will be home with our LORD AND SAVIOR in heaven. That day will be very hard for my wife, because she is carrying ELIJAH inside her. She is getting all the kicking, moving feeling in her belly, so I know everybody is already praying for us, but I ask that you will pray a little extra for my wife, that GOD will give her strength when that day comes. It will be very hard on me too knowing that GOD has blessed me with another son that I will have to give him back to JESUS, don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful kids. Daddy's little boy Josiah and daddy's little girl Kayla. I know that we are all one family, but on family outing's, holidays, and special occasions, even though ELIJAH will always be in our HEART'S, our family will always be missing ELIJAH here with us. And on that day when JESUS comes back to take us home, the first thing I will ask him, is to take me to hold my little ELIJAH. We know what the out come of this MIRACLE will be. Our family has FAITH that GOD could do a MIRACLE ON ELIJAH'S head, but we believe In FAITH ELIJAH'S MISSION is to show the people of the world that are not saved, and the POWER that GOD has! What I mean is until you logged on to this sight you might not have thought to much about JESUS in your life. I don't know how many people who read this, about ELIJAH'S MISSION if they are saved or even know JESUS CHRIST our LORD AND SAVIOR is real. GOD has a plan for ELIJAH'S MISSION, us Christian's might not understand why GOD does things, but we know it's for a reason. GOD gave ELIJAH to us like this not to punish us, but HE knew we would be able to spread his WORD around the world. We believe ELIJAH'S MISSION is to bring people to know JESUS, and when you let GOD into your life and into your heart, then you will know that JESUS loves us and understand GOD has a reason, and not to punish us. Punishment will be when people that didn't Accept him into their lives have to spend the rest of their life in HELL! GOD loves everybody even the one's don't know him. So when you log on you can't say that you don't knowof GOD, because you have heard through ELIJAH'S MISSION, you have said a prayer for us! ELIJAH and our family asked that you help us pray for a MIRACLE! Only by the power of GOD that you said a prayer for us. GOD hears us all . GOD might not give us the MIRACLE and let him stay, but GOD'S MISSION FOR ELIJAH, we believe was to bring people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST! We know GOD gave us our MIRACLE our PRECIOUS BABY BOY ELIJAH! but I truly believe the MIRACLE OF GOD was to bring unsaved people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!! It might be sad that GOD did it this way, but it would have been even more sad If people of the world didn't get a chance to know JESUS! Even if you think you accidentally logged on to ELIJAH'S MISSION, let me tell you that it was no accident, it was GOD KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OR YOUR HEART giving you the chance to know HIM and to change your life. I'm sad, that I might not have ELIJAH very long here, BUT I DO KNOW THAT GOD GAVE OUR FAMILY A PROMISE THAT WE WILL MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN,!!!!!! I PRAISE GOD AND THANK HIM FOR LETTING ME BE PART OF THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!!!! Even if only one unsaved person logged on ELIJAH'S MISSION was accomplished. All GOD wants from us is our HEART'S AND SOUL'S and HE'S ready to bless us with so much more!!

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYER'S AND COMMENT'S, AND IF YOUR NOT SAVED BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU ASK JESUS TO COME INTO HEART, AND LET HIM CHANGE YOUR LIFE!! GOD BLESS YOU!!

THURSDAY

Josiah WENT BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!! He was so happy! We got to the school to drop him off and it was already passed 9:00 because Josiah slept til 8:30 :) WOW!!! WE GOT TO SLEEP IN!!! he woke up when Steve & I started talking after Cindy called us.
He was in such a good mood. Steve asked him if he wanted to go to school and he jumped up and said "LETS GO" All the children were playing outside when we walked through the gate and he ran to his little buddy Mathew. (I need to ask his mommy if we can post a picture of Josiah & Matthew on our blog) Teacher Megan says they are "partners in crime"!!! YIKES!!!
yes both boys are rambunctious!!! we need to pray for their teachers :)

Cindy called this morning to tell us that Margie & Roy Along with their brothers' restaurant: FAVORITO'S in Fowler have started a fundraiser for Elijah's memorial/burial fund. If you remember Roy & Margie are Nicole's parents. I wrote about them a few days ago!
PLEASE PRAY THAT THE SALE IS A SUCCESS!!
ESPECIALLY PRAY BLESSINGS UPON FAVORITO RESTAURANT IN FOWLER CA. MAY THEIR BUSINESS FLOURISH & PROSPER AS THEY HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY JOINED IN OUR EFFORTS TO RAISE THESE MUCH NEEDED FUNDS!
We are also looking into other fundraiser ideas & would appreciate your prayers as we along with our close friends and family get these events going in the short time we have left.
(UPDATE TO FOLLOW, IN REGARDS TO HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT & HOW YOUR PRAYERS HAVE SUPPORTED THESE EFFORTS)

Sgt. Clean & Digging up sweet memories!

I got my working orders from Sgt. Clean... ... ... and tonight as we get ready for bed it feels so good to have put away all that clothes and to have cleared all the clean dishes off my kitchen counters and I am thankful to my inspiration, Sgt. Clean :)

He was organizing the garage and he took out my wedding dress!! I was in the kitchen and walked out to the garage for something. He had my wedding dress! and crown and veil and train and everything from our wedding was in that bin. WOW!! talk about a rush of memories sweeping over me! It was so nice to sit in the garage with him and look at my dress. He was putting it back in the bag and the bin and sand sprinkled out onto the plastic lid. We both laughed as we remembered the second reception at the coast and the walk on the pier all dressed up in our wedding attire, the free dinner from the elderly couple (my 3 maid of honors and some close family drove up with us to the coast where we had reserved tables for dinner the couple ended up paying for all of our dinners because they said it reminded them of when they got married) TOO SWEET!! , the pictures on the beach (MY DREAM COME TRUE!) and the romantic young peddler who was selling roses and gave me some just cause I was in my dress!

Thanks Cindy for emailing me these pic's LOVE YA!!

Wednesday

Steve woke up & got out of bed at 3:00 a.m this morning. He said he had too much on his mind and could not sleep. He went to the garage (his thinking place more like his prayer closet).

I got up at 5:00a.m couldn't sleep anymore either. Just want to say thanks to Laurie for letting us know you are lifting up the unspoken request along with us. I think maybe that is why neither Steve or I could sleep this morning.



SO what do you do when you just can't sleep and you have lots on your mind?



Steve's motto ... ... ... we organize , clean and do anything we can to keep our minds occupied!!!



Steve has been reorganizing our dresser drawers, doing laundry and sorting out winter clothes to put away and putting out the stuff the kids & we have out grown or will no longer wear.



I on the other hand, have been biting my nails, plopping myself from couch to couch, taking care of important phone calls (like 1), and trying to keep Josiah entertained(not really he keeps following daddy saying "we working hard daddy"). I did get up at 5:00 and put away one basket full of mine & Steve's clothes before I curled up on the couch and dozed off til Cindy called us at 8:30 a.m to let us know SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PACKAGE ELIJAH RECEIVED FROM WISCONSIN!!!! :) i had a feeling she was the culprit!!! (L.O.L) I also put away one load of Kayla's clothes and ... ... Oh yeah I threw out the trash :) I'm such a trooper!! (right!?!)



I then managed to convince MR.CLEAN to take a run with me into town FOR IMPORTANT BUSINESS!!! like Mc Donalds for breakfast :) he wasn't too enticed until I said, "you've worked so hard all morning... ... we should go get you a chocolate milkshake" VOILA!!! the magic word :)



We went to Mc Donalds and I realized I didn't have my purse :( I had left it at moms yesterday. we had to go to Parlier to pick up my purse, since we were already in town I decided to go into the bank where we have opened Elijah's memorial fund. I ran into 3 girls I went to High School with. I didn't feel like talking so I just didn't look them in the eye and walked out. NOW I FEEL BAD... ... ... but i didn't feel like answering any questions. oh well. they won't fall apart just because I didn't say HI right? who am I any ways?

We got back and Josiah is ready for a nap but this little turkey said, "I go night night myself, my room" BRAT I WAS COUNTING ON DOING MY MOTHERLY DUTY!!

So I guess it's back to Srgt. Clean for working orders :) CINDY TAKE ME AWAY!!! ha! ha! ha!

ON ANOTHER NOTE, I've been thinking that maybe I need to clarify something.
NOT TOO SURE BUT JUST A THOUGHT that keeps running through my mind.

I just want to clarify for any family members who are reading this blog; that I love, appreciate and need ALL OF YOU, not one is more than the other. If for some reason you were not personally contacted by me or my mom to inform you of Elijah's diagnoses it IS NOT BECAUSE WE CHOSE NOT TOO but just because as I am sure you all can imagine it is quite a bit draining to make phone call after phone call to say, "we found out he's a boy & his brain is hanging outside his head and he's gonna die". My mom called her sisters and brother and send Bernice a text message for me because I did'nt want to talk. I asked Minn to email anyone whose email address she had. I only made 2 personal calls (a few days later), to the two cousins I remembered had been through a bit of a similar journey as the one I was about to embark. I called Priscilla and Ruth. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL VERY DEAR TO ME AND I CHERISH ALL OF YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH.