Friday, September 12, 2008

Thanks & why am i so mad?????

Just gotta say thanks from the very depths of my heart! I have had so many great responses, which have encouraged me and enabled me to take a deep breath and in the moments that seem so heavily painful;that I can barely breath... I have managed to breath in a breath of fresh encouragement. I don't know how all this grief stuff works but I have already figured that there is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't have any particular order or way of happening. SO THAT, scares me something fierce - Like this anger I have been feeling... Whooah! boy was this so unexpected to me. I mean I keep telling myself, "Marie, YOU believe in GOD and YOU trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. YOU KNOW GOD HAS A REASON AND A PURPOSE FOR THIS". I tell my self that more than a million times a day! But it just doesn't take away the anger that I feel at this moment. The anger of not having my precious 8 week old baby boy! I AM MAD! I'm mad because 25 hours and 30 minutes was not enough time I wanted to bring him home! I know that this must sound so selfish to those of you Mommy's who didn't even get that and I'm so sorry for your heart break too! I'm just saying I feel like this is so unfair. I TOLD GOD TOO!!! I told Him last month. I told Him that my heart hurt so bad and that I didn't think it was fair to not have even let me bring my baby home, not even let me change his diaper. So many things I didn't get to do, like hold him in my right senses not heavily sedated by all the meds from the c-section. I guess I've never shared how stupid I was when Elijah was born... As soon as the doctors took him out. I heard nothing not a whimper not a cry not one single sound. I asked Steve if he was already dead and the doctor heard me and said, "No, he is alive". He called Steve over to him and still no sound. FINALLY the nurse and Steve walked over to me, my hands still tied down. The nurse placed Elijah on my chest and my tears rolled down my cheeks. He was breathing so, so very labored. A very tired faint grunt from deep within him. I began to talk to him. I asked him if he was tired, I asked him if it was hard for him to carry the weight of his big smart brain all by himself with no more water to carry the weight for him. I told him I was so proud of him for being my strong brave boy, for not leaving before I could kiss his sweet face. As the nurses rolled me out of the operating room down the hall and back into my room I kept talking to him. Telling him how many people were their waiting to meet him. How much I loved him. I could see how much he was struggling to take every breath and he was very blue. I cuddled him closer to my face and whispered into his ear, "When Jesus comes for you baby... you can go. I love you Lijah, I love you with all my heart baby, Daddy & I are so proud of you. I want you to stay with me here, BUT mommy knows you are tired baby and when Jesus comes for you, when he comes you can go okay baby?! I LOVE YOU".
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!


  1. Sorry I haven't written before now. I just wanted to say... Yes.

    The anger, I haven't had a lot of it - but I know a lot of people who have. I know some people who have spent a long time dealing with that anger. And that's fine. For me it's been different, but I keep telling myself that I'm not going to know if the anger part's going to come bite me all of a sudden.

    I do get the big brother part though. Oceana still talks about Joshua. We have standing coversation in our house about "Sha-ua special, Sha-ua go to Jesus, Sha-ua kisses!" She sleeps with his teddy bears, or will take them in the car. I carry his picture album in my purse and pull it out when she needs distracting. She points at every picture and tells me about "Sha-ua". I love that. It's her way of being the big sister. And she's good at it - just like Josiah.

    Are you experiencing any panic attacks or irrationality? I had a bunch of panic attacks. Another person I know had an irrationality thing about her baby getting cold and wet at the gravesite when it rained. Stuff like that is normal. The first few months I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, but I'm doing a lot better recently. He went home almost 6 months ago. Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I held that beautiful boy.

    I had no idea his 'cele' was so big. I wish the hat had fit, but I remember when I made it, I didn't want it to be huge and scare you.

    xx Hang in there.

  2. Marie
    I am so sorry for your lose. Elijah was lucky to have a Mommy like you. You gave him the gift of love. You gave that gift, knowing it would cost you a piece of your heart. May life become easier. May strange people do good deeds for you. May your heart begin to heal,

  3. Oh Marie,

    Your pain is so great right now and my heart just aches for you and I don't know what to say that would even touch you. I have been praying that God give you strength for each day since the time I found out you were carrying him and I continue to pray for you now. I, for one, would love to share videos and pictures of this little man I prayed so hard for. The few that you have posted are beautiful Marie and I think he is perfect. His little life matters so much and God never makes mistakes. Keep pouring your heart out to Him, He can handle it all. He understands all that you are going through. I am so sorry for this heartbreaking loss and all that you won't experience with Elijah. You honored your little man by bringing him to life and loving him with all your heart. Love is all he knows. I will continue to pray you through Marie and let you know that I would love to see pictures of your Elijah if you decide to post them. If they make others uncomfortable, they don't have to look. Just my thoughts. I love you and pray the Lords peace and comfort over you today and in the days ahead.

    Love, Laurie in So. Ca.

  4. I would love to see a slideshow of your beautiful baby. I cant even begin to know how this feels.

  5. It's okay to rage at God, Marie. He'll still be here, waiting for you, when you're ready. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain... I would love to hear lots more about Elijah, and see lots of pictures of him in the perfection in which God made him. If you're ready to share, a lot of us are here, quietly reading and not always commenting, but praying and holding your family up... Be strong,

    Nilia Palhinha

  6. Marie,

    I am praying for you. I can't even imagine the pain but I know a God who does. I hope you will feel free to post whatever you want on your blog of this precious baby! I would love to read more about him and see his sweet face.

    Much love,

  7. I have been reading your blog and praying with you as you waited for ELijah, I have cried for you since he passed away and I am furious on your behalf because of the senseless actions of the funeral home.
    I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. Josiah IS a big brother, I am so sure that his heart understands better than we , as adults can understand. I know that all your feelings are valid and normal and completely healthy.
    I would love to see more pictures of Elijah, the one I see here is beautiful, his face is so precious and his hands are glorious. I Am sure that every part of him was as perfect as you see him, he WAS perfect, I am sure that his spirit was such that Heavenly Father couldn't bear to be parted from him, you are Elijah's mommy for eternity, nothing can take that away from you.
    I know that doesn't stop the hurt right now though, if only there was an answer for how to get through THIS life.

  8. My heart goes out to you Mama. Many hugs from Trinidad.

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a child early on, at 8 weeks, and I felt (and continue to feel, to be honest) the anger you describe. Even though I know He will work all things for good, I still cried to the Heavens in anger, in desperation, in hopelessness.

    I pray that peace will find its way to your heart. Stay strong and rest in Him, and know that people everywhere are praying for you.

    Oh, and about the photos of your son? Post them if you want to. Share your memories of him, and don't worry about people being upset by them. After all, your little boy was made by the same awesome God as we all were.

    I wish you and your family all the

  10. Marie,
    There is nothing I can say to make it better. I just want you to know I am praying for you! You are a wonderful mother and I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I have a four month old and I would like to tell you, your story makes me hold her a little closer and a little tighter. Thank you for sharing with us! I will continue to pray for you.

  11. Elijah is a beautiful baby and I would love to see more pics of him. Not to stare at but to worship in his awesomeness! It is a personal choice for yourself if you post more pics. We all will understand either way.

  12. Love Lijah too...everyday! He is always on my mind. Our precious little boy. Brave till the very end.

  13. Hi, this is Verna, Noah's Nana, and I say that proudly!
    If you are comfortable with posting your pictures I would be grateful. My daughter and her husband are not as alone as they felt a few weeks ago. Thank you for sharing and allowing others to feel a tiny bit of what it is that happens after your baby goes to be with Jesus. I have not been through that and that makes me feel like I am not able to fully be there for Jo.

  14. Hi there. You don't know me. I found you through Susie's blog. I have three kids and my oldest has cystic fibrosis.

    I just wanted to say that I think you should post pictures if you want to, and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't. You are his momma and you have every right show off your baby. :)

    I wish I had the right words to say how I feel for you and your loss. You are in my thoughts.