Monday, September 22, 2008


I am not sure exactly what to say, what to do or how other daddy's handle this sort of loss. It is so different than us women. We "blog" we reach out. We talk, cry, express. Steve, like I mentioned before has been suffering insomnia- well now he seems to be sleeping a little tiny bit more. I think I forgot to mention that he hurt his back at work. He is home on disability (just what a man needs right? time on his hands/ too much I think - well actually I don't know for sure but I know that now on top of all this stuff we have been going through struggling just to live, pay bills and move forward for our kids and for each other too. Him being at home makes me wonder? is it too much time to think of what we need, of what we lost, what we don't have and all that stuff. I mean there is stuff that has happened like the funeral home incident and about three other major stresses in our life since we said goodbye to our baby. IT HAS TO BE WEIGHING DOWN ON HIM!! IT JUST HAS TO BE!!! He is always so strong for ME, always considerate of my feelings. Sunday afternoon he came home and rested for the entire after noon and when it came time to go to evening service he had a terrible earache and stayed home. We got home and he tucked the kids into bed with me. We even read to them all together. This morning we took Kayla to school then drove back and took Josiah. When we got home Steve told me that last night when he stayed home he read the blog - he said he just broke into tears. HE told me how much he misses Elijah and how often he thinks of him. We held each other and I was strong for him. I told him I was glad that he shared his feelings with me. He told me he doesn't want to make it harder for me because he knows our loss is the same but deeper because I carried Elijah. I think he was afraid I was not going to understand what he was telling me because he kept trying to explain it... BUT I DO GET IT! I just feel so helpless for him. HE is so stressed with our finances!!! PLEASE just help me pray for him to LEAN ON JESUS. Well I know he is because whenever he is up in the middle of the night he is either reading his bible, writing or on the computer and I was looking in the recycle bin for a picture I thought I had tossed and found all sorts of CHRISTIAN OUTREACH & GROWTH SERIES SIGHTS AND other readings like that. When i saw that just now tears just rolled down my face. Steve is such a wonderful man. Since he came to the Lord he has basically lost all his old friends and right now to be quite frank he hasn't really build strong new ones! I mean there are a few men at church - but not real strong connections so I guess that's why it just broke my heart to see him seeking growth and strength on his own. PLEASE JUST HELP ME PRAY FOR MY SWEETIE!! and for me to get this job too also if Steve is released back to work he is going to apply for a job in town working early mornings which is just what we need for our schedule as a family. GOD knows ALL just help us in praying for us to get through this tough time right now!!! I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!!! & I TRUST GOD IS ABLE!! HE KNOWS BEST!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!