Saturday, September 27, 2008

Anxiety & Panic ... ... ... IS IT NORMAL?

I have been fighting these overwhelming surges of anxiety. They come just all of the sudden without warning. It will hit me just like that - even when it seems like a good day. I even experience them while with people like "us" at home, at church or church functions. It is so weird. I can't explain it exactly but it feels like way deep in the middle of my chest like I can't breath. REAL, REAL BAD!!! I try to not think of the feelings or to focus on them(feelings) to much I try hard to think of something else, but I just can't stop the feeling.

Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".

ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...

The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.

I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do