Thursday, May 29, 2008


Steve & I came to the Library we just miss being able to log and check out who all is visiting us and our sweet angel, who by the way is getting VERY LARGE for mommy's tummy (I can't figure out who is more uncomfortable - me or him). WE ARE STILL WAITING for everything to go through on the apartment. WE have been going through the roughest days hours minutes and seconds of our life's the journey has become at time unbearable. Just barley able to breath at times... this is how I feel and I know Steve is over whelmed to say the least. STILL we wouldn't trade the moments of hearing Elijah's heart beat and seeing him tumble around inside of me. OR the times that Josiah runs up to me or climbs on me just to kiss his brother or to hear him sing his brothers name. When Kayla is home with us hearing her talk to and about him and feeling her overwhelming love pour out all over her brother in my tummy WE WOULD NEVER TRADE ALL THE SORROW AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WE BEAR THESE DAYS.
And as though we were not already under so much pressure from our daily struggles not only the apartment situation,but my father in law suffered a major heart attack and has been in the hospital ICU for about three weeks. I NEED TO GO NOW BUT HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY!!!!! JUST RAN OUT OF TIME ON THIS COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate not having my own computer at moms house!!!! please pray for us this SAT we will be having Elijah's shower at church and I'm nervous I have pic's to share of my growing baby boy and also pray for Kayla's mom to let her come to the shower

Saturday, May 24, 2008


I know! I know!! we just seem to have dissapeared for a while but we are not gone! WE STILL ARE IN MUCH NEED OF YOUR SUPPORT LOVE & PRAYERS! We went to our appointment Tuesday and were so very disapointed to find we still don't have "THE MIRACLE " we so desperatley want. We left the office and were silent for most of the 35 minute drive home.
HOME... ... well as things turn out we are still at my moms. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON the people had guarateed us to get the apartment changed their minds and now we are in a bit of a messy situation. I remember once reading Susie's blog and she quoted "why can't we just have one crisis at a time" I so feel like that. I have had so very many questions in my mind latley - I do not doubkt my walk with the Lord I just doublt that I'm doing things right any more. WE READ in the bible that He will never give us more than we can handle... RIGHT NOW I FEEL PRETTY WIEGHED DOWN.

JUST SO YOU KNOW there is no internet service at my moms and in my "FAT, SWOLLEN & still growing condition taking a little trip to the city library to blog is not too high on the list of things I can do right now BUT ALSO I MISS BLOGGING SO VERY BAD! I MISS ALL THE COMMENTS AND JUST BEING ABLE TO communicate. For some reason we feel so good when we are able to blog and see how many hits our precious baby boy's site is getting. I know many of you don't post a comment but just seeing the counter change lifts our spirits. STEVE & I are hoping to order internet service if we end up staying at my moms much longer.

WE DESPERATLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!! The hospital called me this Wednesday and told me to get everything in order. GET THINGS IN ORDER - get things in order to birth and bury my baby boy - who we planned to watch him grow up with his big brother and sister. The baby me & beth were supposed to push in the strollers together and watch meet the mile stones together!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been "losing it" alot latley!!!!! just can't keep the tears from rolling and my emotions are just so raging. I have been very quiet most of the time.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


Josiah graduated on Wednesday!! My nephew Josh who made this blog for me is adding the graduation video :)


Hi everyone! well first of all Steve & I looked into the laptop and right now $$$$$ is a big issue so we will have to wait a little bit longer :) The unspoken prayer request was about our housing situation... this May we were supposed to sign papers for our house to change from rental to option to buy. HOWEVER AS WE HAVE ALL LEARNED that sometimes life brings things that change the course of our lives as we have them planned it! BUT that's O.K because material things have become so meaningless to us now. "THIS HOUSE" was at one time our dream house BUT now we see that all these "things" are temporal.

SOOOOO.... .... all that said GOD IS SO FAITHFULL on June 1st we should be moving into our new apartment!! IN FOWLER (all the church family, my best friend, my sister and our church and some of our closest friends will all be close by). Right now, we are staying at my moms in order to save a bit on the money.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

SURPRISE!!! (sweet times)

Well, I know I said I wasn't gonna post anything for a day or so but... ...
I forgot Beth (josiah calls her Yaya or Yaee) had made a date for her & Josiah to spend the day together today. I had a bit of a melt down in the morning so when I got a call from Yay asking what time Josiah would be available I thought, available? and then I remembered about the "DATE" so Steve & I took him over and they went to Rotary Playland & Storyland "FOR HIS FIRST TIME"!!! He of course had no clue what the place was so we told him its a fun park and he said, "oh church park" meaning the park by the church and we told him no this is a bigger one with rides and lots of fun. Still clueless he got into the car with her and off they drove!!!!!

There are so many more but these are the favorites & all he rode over & over was the cars & lady bugs - she said she couldn't get him on anything else :)
Since Josiah was out on a "DATE" with Yaya Steve decided that my emotions were very frail and that I too would benefit from a "date" so off we went... we went to lunch and a movie! It was such a great thing to be able to get away from everything if even for a few hours. WE laughed and enjoyed eachothers company :) THANKS FOR THE MOMENT BETH!!!!!

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Remember I asked you all to pray about the fundraiser that was organized by our friends, The Alatorre's (Nicole & Victoria's Parents). Well... THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS! we had a positive response and outpouring of generosity from everyone! I am not exactly sure the totals yet, but I heard from Minn, Cindy & Kito Ben; that the orders just kept coming in!

This fundraiser has made it possible to put a down payment on Elijah's burial plot at Parlier Cemetery; After much thought and consideration Steve & I have chosen to bury him at the same cemetery where Grandma is at (Mom's mom).


Margie & Roy if you read this blog I gotta tell you how you have lifted my burden & I pray that GOD BLESS & PROSPER YOU IN ALL YOU DO!! I am so touched by the way you & Roy have stepped right into my shoes and decided to walk beside Steve & I. We will never be able to express to you enough, how you have both been an instrument of God's never ending love and strength to us as we face this time in our lives! Thank YOU BOTH!!!

My cousin Sal & National Raisin CO. (his work). Steve & I were so moved when Minn called to tell us that you had collected orders. We appreciate the effort and support we received as we prepare for the bitter sweet arrival of our little angel.

Teacher Megan & All The WONDERFUL TEACHERS at Reedley College Infant School:

Our hearts have been so moved by ALL that you have all done for us. & especially how you have all rallied around my precious Josiah as he too struggles with all the weirdness going on at home, since we found out about Elijah. EACH and every one of you have touched our hearts!

Every One at FOWLER UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT (my old work): There are no words - YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!! Steve & I are so touched by your generosity.

Dr. Verma's Office in Selma - Dr. Verma,Marcie & Antonia & Chuck: Steve & I are so touched by how caring and understanding YOU ALL have been of what we are going through. Your kindness has been so evident every time I call or come in or when Mom comes in and you send your best! Thank you to every one in the office who ordered a plate! Your support is so appreciated!!

A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AT MARGIE'S WORK PLACE IN SELMA! Steve & I are so grateful for your contributions.

ANYONE ELSE WHO ORDERED A PLATE & I DID NOT MENTION YOUR NAME it is only because I did not find out who else ordered - because it was so huge a turn out BUT STEVE & I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!!!

Minn, Cindy, Jared (my godson),Ramona, Dora, Dolores & Sister Mona Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to come out to help deliver plates!!!

I won't be posting anything new til probably Monday because we are in the process of changing internet service providers (and hopefuly switching me over to a lap top :)

have a great weekend every one and thanks for checking in

Special Love, hugs and prayers for all the Mommie's who's hearts are torn between celebrating with their children here with us and the ones in heaven on this MOTHER'S DAY!!! Thinking of YOU with an ache in my heart !! please know I will be praying for you! & pray for me too my only mother's day with Elijah

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

These words kept running in my head

Things are just getting really tough right now, not only because of Elijah and all the emotions that brings but because of some other personal situations we are facing. Today I watched Steve take care of some stuff for us and as he was walking back and forth, those words came to my mind:
carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders as you watch your dreams slip away
Steve is a very hard working man. A great provider, husband and Father. I just wish I had the ability to make him feel better like he so often does for me during this journey we are on. As everyone knows yesterday was "Dr. Day" he was unable to go with me because he was taking care of "stuff" so mom went with me. Later on in the day we talked and he finally came to me and said, "I'm tired, frustrated, & feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going - I feel like I can't let myself think about Elijah because if I do I'm going to go down"
what did I say?... NOTHING, just nodded as I rubbed his shoulder! I had no words! How could I - his wife - his "help mate" NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!?!?!?!?!?
Today as we got stuff done around the house, I saw the weight of the world weighing heavy on my husbands shoulders as dreams are being washed away - and yet through it all...
I'm so grateful for worship - I LOVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD where all our hopes & dreams in him will never die!
I don't feel too strong these days so if anyone runs into me & it looks like I've lost my smile. I'm still me - just going through some rough days right now. If I don't write as much - Just hard to put my thoughts together.

PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)
It is just that
AND YET ALL THE WHILE SO VERY HAPPY EVERY TIME MY BABY BOY KICKS AND MOVES INSIDE ME because that assures me "he is still with me, I'm still his mommy, I am still caring for his needs right now, and that is such a joy to me - a very fulfilling emotion all the while knowing it will all too soon come to an end.

Mother's Day this year will be VERY DIFFICULT not just because of it being my 1st & last one with Elijah but also because of the MOMMIES I have met since on this journey, and knowing some extent of the pain they walk with. ALTHOUGH WE ALL HAVE THE HOPE OF CHRIST... it just somehow does not fill the void in their arms and hearts. Knowing that I will too be in their place - I WISH I HAD SOME COMFORTING WORDS!!!
I'm so blessed to know WE ARE NOT ALONE!! thanks for being with us and for taking the time to comment and for the prayers - they are so uplifting.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dr.'s Appointment

I'm getting so close to the due date. Dr. said he's growing (so is his Cele) bitter sweet.
HE'S SO PRECIOUS! & already full of so much "personality" I know this because of how & when he moves(too funny). I think he is just like his big brother!! (details later).

Dr. had me sign consent for vaginal birth. I was so nervous, but then when she came in she sat with me and answered all my questions and explained to me that the best position for him to be born in, is if he is born breech (butt first). Less chance of his Cele to rupture during delivery and better chance for "more time"!!! "MORE TIME that's what I want so, so very desperately!!

hope you don't mind Susie but I told her about Joshua and how they turned him for you, but she said , "NO WAY, I'm not turning him, can't do it - not allowed"
BUT that's okay, I'll just ask Jesus to do it for us.

I've already talked to Him, about me accepting the fact that I will be letting go of him so quick - now I'll just ask the Lord if He would please grant me the delivery that will give me the most time I can possibly have with my little darling.

A while back The Lord gave Cindy a message about timing and how her time is in His hands...
well today I told Elijah "your time is in His hands baby"

I need to keep telling MYSELF that!!!!

Monday, May 5, 2008

What's On My Mind & My Heart

Well, first of all we still are in "the waiting" for our unspoken request and waiting is one of my worst talents ;) We feel that The Lord is having us STEP OUT in faith. I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Steve & I were talking and he thinks it's because we don't allow ourselves to think too much whenever Kayla is here so we can have a bit of normalcy for her. I think maybe that might be part of it but also tomorrow is "Dr. DAY" that is usually what drains me. I have not been able to blog all day because I keep not knowing what to say. MY HEART IS FEELING SO HEAVY FOR BABY JACOB'S MOMMY(from my side bar) right now. Baby Jacob is struggling! WE NEED TO PRAY FOR THEM!! THIS JOURNEY IS SUCH A HARD ONE TO TRAVEL.

I've been thinking about how sometimes people don't know what to say. I realize that the road we travel is one not understood by all, not lived by all and that everyone has their own lives and daily happenings that fill their days. I too am one of those people it's just that what our reality is right now is what we are living and we cannot escape it. Our baby boy will be born and IF God chooses not to allow him to stay here then WE WILL BE BURYING HIM. While everyone else, even some of our closest relatives & friends CAN forget "it" from time to time and take a break from this emotional storm we are in, WE NEVER forget "it". because "IT" is our daily reality. This morning after we took Josiah to school I came home and slept from 9:30 to 12:00 when we went to pick up Josiah. Steve said I needed to sleep. I was thinking about how right before I fell asleep I told him, "i wish you could take take the hurt away - my heart hurts so strong like when my chest ached physically from broken ribs" (due to an accident) He just held me and said, "so you can acctually feel it? It's not just emotions if you feel it like your ribs!" and I think he wanted to take me to the dr. but I told him thats just how strong the hurt is, knowing I can't plan for my Elijah like I did for Josiah. WELL ENOUGH SAID FOR NOW.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

GREAT SUNDAY time together

We went to church and then decided instead of going out for lunch just us, we decided that it would be nice for Kayla to spend some of "mother's day" with grandma & nina (beth),
so Steve bought us one of mine & Beths recent cravings & a long time favorite,rotisserie chicken with all the fixings. We decided inviting Cindy was a must, and she gladly changed her plans to join us. Minn went to go see her mother in law who is in the hospital.

My "Kayla Mother's Day Weekend" was overall very blessed. Lots of quality family time filled with lot's of love hugs and kisses.

Saturday, May 3, 2008


Since my precious girl is with her 1st mommy on Mother's Day,


Daddy got up & got Josiah dressed and told Kayla to get dressed. I was in the bathroom and when I came out daddy was all dressed groomed and ready to go!

We went for breakfast and then took a little trip to the store, shopping for MOM'S DAY!! woowhoo!!!!!! YEAH!!! shopping just for me:)

usually daddy buys two separate gifts one from Josiah and one from Kayla and I usually only get Kayla's early but today we did it all together!

Look what I got from my precious girl, Josiah, Elijah & Daddy!

The make up is exactly like the shades of those in Beth's makeup bag.

After our shopping extravaganza we went to the supermarket and Steve bought lots of goodies for a good "old fashion mexican Bar-B-Q" with all the delicious fixings ;')
We headed over to Ben & Minn's place in the country - perfect place to be on a beautiful day like today. We all sat outside enjoying not only the weather but each others company. It is so nice to celebrate special days with friends & family. Mom & Beth, John, Joanne & the kids, the Alvarez clan, of course and Cindy and us. THE KIDS HAD SO MUCH FUN, they played and played and then played some more... without ever once getting bored!
Kayla was invited to spend the night at Maddie's and Steve said, "tomorrow we continue the "MOTHER'S DAY festivities" WOW!!!!
we will be getting up in the morning and heading to church and I'm not sure what we will do afterwards but I will try to get some pictures to post.

On another note we will be meeting once again with the people in regards to our unspoken & urgent prayer request. PLEASE continue to pray that the favor of GOD be with us and that all will work out as HE wants it to. We will know the answer by this coming week.
I AM SO READY FOR THE ANSWER because you know how it feels to be waiting Ugh!
(i don't do that good with waiting without knowing.)
THANKS FOR PRAYING it really is a very important issue and as soon as we know, I will share with all of you, our prayer partners :)

Just hanging out

Cindy called this morning. I was still in bed and the kids were still asleep. Steve was on the computer. I had a nice long talk (nothing too important or specific just random stuff - pretty fun)
Josiah woke up then Kayla did. I got off the phone after a while because I could here Josiah asking for b-fast.

Steve and the kids came & got into our bed and tumbled around for a while!!! silly kids!! :)

I'm not too sure what we will do today. We have a few different options but right now it just seems like BEING LAZY & DOING NOTHING FEELS LIKE THE BEST IDEA!!!

I guess we will see what the day turns up. It's a real nice day for a BB-Q! (maybe) or to go to the carnival in town - no. i don't know.

Friday, May 2, 2008



For the past 2 months I've been in this weird funk. Ever since I stopped working I have become "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" the kind I said I'd never become HA! HA!
see what happens!!
Yeah but that's when I was still REAL, REAL STUPID and frivolous, thinking only of myself and how to meet Mr. Right :)
(i found him by the way)

But anyway, I was in this funk and for some reason MAKE UP has become the last thing on my mind. well I went over to moms (on Wednesday) and saw Beth's make up bag sitting on her dresser, i picked it up and began applying make up. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED HOW IT'S DONE! ;)
and to think when Steve met me, he told Ben I was "high maintenance & way out of his league"

the next day I asked her to let me borrow her make up. we were leaving somewhere and she said, "just take it and give it to me over there".
if anyone sees Beth today and she looks like "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" don't say anything PLEASE
because if you see me today...
It is amazing what a make up bag can do :)
I was even so inspired & sprayed some perfume on!!!
THE POWER OF THE MAKE UP BAG!! Hmmm! I guess I should invest in getting me one of those nifty little things - it works wonders :)


I just can't help it. I keep having these dreams of Elijah's birth no more like his death. Earlier this week I had the dream that I was driving from town to town looking for him in the casket and Steve told me we had already buried him, then I had the one that we were at the cemetery and I had no clue what was going on... ... well last night I dram his precious little face. He was so precious. THOSE EYES he was staring so intently into my eyes. I woke up crying. I dozed off again and began to dream again, I dram his voice what a beautiful sound "I know newborns don't talk" but as I was holding him him and looking at him, I heard his voice saying, "Daddy... Daddy" It was the sweetest sound ever. (AND NO IT WAS NOT JOSIAH'S VOICE!!!!!!!!!) I heard him and I know. It was such a sweet soft voice. The soft sound of his voice saying Daddy in such a tender and endearing way.
I WISH I COULD HAVE A WAY TO RECORD AND KEEP IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! (besides in my heart) I woke up crying and Steve just held me we cried together and just talked and talked and talked. I was do afraid of falling asleep because I didn't want to have another dream.
I FEEL SO EMOTIONALLY WEAK TODAY! NO STRENGTH AT ALL. I have stuff to do but no will to do it.

THOUGHTS, just racing wild in my mind. "thank you Jesus because you know my deepest thoughts, you love me and are here with me. I don't have to sort my thoughts in order for you to know what I feel THANK YOU MY JESUS! you are so beautiful to me, to feel your peace in the very core of my being as this rage of emotions tends to overwhelm me YOUR PEACE is with me. I know this even if my mind and my body feel otherwise. MY SOUL KNOW THIS FULL WELL YOU are my confidence my rock and my strength".

TO ALL OUR READERS: need you to know we appreciate you beyond what we can express. I know many of you are aching right along with us.



It seems like it was just yesterday that we found out about our baby boy's condition and it was almost three months ago FEB. 13, that day is getting closer, that we will have to say Goodbye too our son! We pray that GOD will answer our prayers, but if He chooses not too it will be hard for us knowing that he's not in my wife's belly. We won't be able to talk to him through the belly anymore, or rub and pat him through the belly! that feeling will be tough to get through, but GOD will see us through this very sad time. It will be hard on our whole family that day, but it will also be a celebration too. Our son will be home with our LORD AND SAVIOR in heaven. That day will be very hard for my wife, because she is carrying ELIJAH inside her. She is getting all the kicking, moving feeling in her belly, so I know everybody is already praying for us, but I ask that you will pray a little extra for my wife, that GOD will give her strength when that day comes. It will be very hard on me too knowing that GOD has blessed me with another son that I will have to give him back to JESUS, don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful kids. Daddy's little boy Josiah and daddy's little girl Kayla. I know that we are all one family, but on family outing's, holidays, and special occasions, even though ELIJAH will always be in our HEART'S, our family will always be missing ELIJAH here with us. And on that day when JESUS comes back to take us home, the first thing I will ask him, is to take me to hold my little ELIJAH. We know what the out come of this MIRACLE will be. Our family has FAITH that GOD could do a MIRACLE ON ELIJAH'S head, but we believe In FAITH ELIJAH'S MISSION is to show the people of the world that are not saved, and the POWER that GOD has! What I mean is until you logged on to this sight you might not have thought to much about JESUS in your life. I don't know how many people who read this, about ELIJAH'S MISSION if they are saved or even know JESUS CHRIST our LORD AND SAVIOR is real. GOD has a plan for ELIJAH'S MISSION, us Christian's might not understand why GOD does things, but we know it's for a reason. GOD gave ELIJAH to us like this not to punish us, but HE knew we would be able to spread his WORD around the world. We believe ELIJAH'S MISSION is to bring people to know JESUS, and when you let GOD into your life and into your heart, then you will know that JESUS loves us and understand GOD has a reason, and not to punish us. Punishment will be when people that didn't Accept him into their lives have to spend the rest of their life in HELL! GOD loves everybody even the one's don't know him. So when you log on you can't say that you don't knowof GOD, because you have heard through ELIJAH'S MISSION, you have said a prayer for us! ELIJAH and our family asked that you help us pray for a MIRACLE! Only by the power of GOD that you said a prayer for us. GOD hears us all . GOD might not give us the MIRACLE and let him stay, but GOD'S MISSION FOR ELIJAH, we believe was to bring people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST! We know GOD gave us our MIRACLE our PRECIOUS BABY BOY ELIJAH! but I truly believe the MIRACLE OF GOD was to bring unsaved people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!! It might be sad that GOD did it this way, but it would have been even more sad If people of the world didn't get a chance to know JESUS! Even if you think you accidentally logged on to ELIJAH'S MISSION, let me tell you that it was no accident, it was GOD KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OR YOUR HEART giving you the chance to know HIM and to change your life. I'm sad, that I might not have ELIJAH very long here, BUT I DO KNOW THAT GOD GAVE OUR FAMILY A PROMISE THAT WE WILL MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN,!!!!!! I PRAISE GOD AND THANK HIM FOR LETTING ME BE PART OF THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!!!! Even if only one unsaved person logged on ELIJAH'S MISSION was accomplished. All GOD wants from us is our HEART'S AND SOUL'S and HE'S ready to bless us with so much more!!


Thursday, May 1, 2008


Josiah WENT BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!! He was so happy! We got to the school to drop him off and it was already passed 9:00 because Josiah slept til 8:30 :) WOW!!! WE GOT TO SLEEP IN!!! he woke up when Steve & I started talking after Cindy called us.
He was in such a good mood. Steve asked him if he wanted to go to school and he jumped up and said "LETS GO" All the children were playing outside when we walked through the gate and he ran to his little buddy Mathew. (I need to ask his mommy if we can post a picture of Josiah & Matthew on our blog) Teacher Megan says they are "partners in crime"!!! YIKES!!!
yes both boys are rambunctious!!! we need to pray for their teachers :)

Cindy called this morning to tell us that Margie & Roy Along with their brothers' restaurant: FAVORITO'S in Fowler have started a fundraiser for Elijah's memorial/burial fund. If you remember Roy & Margie are Nicole's parents. I wrote about them a few days ago!
We are also looking into other fundraiser ideas & would appreciate your prayers as we along with our close friends and family get these events going in the short time we have left.