Monday, May 5, 2008

What's On My Mind & My Heart

Well, first of all we still are in "the waiting" for our unspoken request and waiting is one of my worst talents ;) We feel that The Lord is having us STEP OUT in faith. I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Steve & I were talking and he thinks it's because we don't allow ourselves to think too much whenever Kayla is here so we can have a bit of normalcy for her. I think maybe that might be part of it but also tomorrow is "Dr. DAY" that is usually what drains me. I have not been able to blog all day because I keep not knowing what to say. MY HEART IS FEELING SO HEAVY FOR BABY JACOB'S MOMMY(from my side bar) right now. Baby Jacob is struggling! WE NEED TO PRAY FOR THEM!! THIS JOURNEY IS SUCH A HARD ONE TO TRAVEL.

I've been thinking about how sometimes people don't know what to say. I realize that the road we travel is one not understood by all, not lived by all and that everyone has their own lives and daily happenings that fill their days. I too am one of those people it's just that what our reality is right now is what we are living and we cannot escape it. Our baby boy will be born and IF God chooses not to allow him to stay here then WE WILL BE BURYING HIM. While everyone else, even some of our closest relatives & friends CAN forget "it" from time to time and take a break from this emotional storm we are in, WE NEVER forget "it". because "IT" is our daily reality. This morning after we took Josiah to school I came home and slept from 9:30 to 12:00 when we went to pick up Josiah. Steve said I needed to sleep. I was thinking about how right before I fell asleep I told him, "i wish you could take take the hurt away - my heart hurts so strong like when my chest ached physically from broken ribs" (due to an accident) He just held me and said, "so you can acctually feel it? It's not just emotions if you feel it like your ribs!" and I think he wanted to take me to the dr. but I told him thats just how strong the hurt is, knowing I can't plan for my Elijah like I did for Josiah. WELL ENOUGH SAID FOR NOW.

1 comment:

  1. My heart is with you Marie, as you wait for the unspoken request and for your emotions. I can only imagine how hard this is to plan for Elijah's burial before you even see him. I am so sorry this has to be your burden right now. Please know I think of you all day long and pray for you to have peace. I only understand this road you are on because of Susie and Joshua. I learned so much by following her and I fell in love with Joshua. Your boys are truly Gods special little men, and He chose you to be their mommies because He knows He can trust you with their lives. It does not make this time easy for you knowing this, but I am trusting Him to give you the needed strength for each moment of each day Marie.
    My heart is yours and so are my prayers. I love your heart for God. And I wish I could carry some of your hurt for you. My heart does hurt for you. Praying for Jacob too. Sweet dreams and good rest tonight.

    Love, Laurie in So. Ca.