Monday, April 14, 2008

It's Monday

Started out as a pretty calm morning :) Josiah came into our room at 7:30 today and got very entertained by a pile of laundry on our floor. Steve woke up to a quiet noise and he says it was Josiah putting socks on his hands and feet. Mom & Beth dropped by in the morning for a few minutes and then Steve & I took Josiah to school. We came back and I was feeling very strong and confident so I got my "Angel Babies" folder out and took them to my room and opened up my window to let the beautiful fresh air blow in as I made my calls. I called Pastor first to check with him on a few details, then called the funeral director. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't affect me, like if the beautiful breeze blowing through my bedroom window was going to BLOW AWAY any SAD EMOTIONS!!! Boy was I WRONG.
there went the rest of my day. I got allot of details and much needed information in order to prepare for saying our precious good bye. I was being so brave. Had it all together while I was on the phone. By the time I got through telling Steve all the details I was a MESS. I wasn't even able to pull it together enough to put Josiah down for his nap. Steve took Josiah into the room and layed with him. I went to the couch and cried... that was at 1:30 and Steve went to work at 2:45. I was still crying when he came to tell me he was leaving. That was one hour ago and I'm still a mess. I feel numb and disconnected. NOT TO MENTION HOW BAD I FEEL THAT STEVE LEFT TO WORK AND I WAS STILL IN A MOMENT.
I just feel like I can't connect. Like my emotions don't work right. I don't know, just feel so frustrated. Josiah is still asleep. I wish I could be more in control. I can't even express myself to the Lord right now. AND these thought keeps spinning around in my head...
"are we really going through this? are we going to make it? how does Steve really feel? is he tired of me always crying or being sad? Am I ever going to be really happy again? how is this going to affect Josiah?" TOO MANY MORE TOO KEEP WRITING. Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to bring back to my memory the days when I was so happy, frivolous and ignorant to all the pain in the world. BUT IT NEVER COMES BACK, NOT EVEN IN MY MEMORY.