Wednesday, April 14, 2010

STILL HERE!!!! (borrowed computer... YAY)

I have really missed blogging ALOT. I am able to access facebook on my cell phone but we still dont have internet in the house. WOW IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS ABLE TO BLOG. THERE ARE PROBABLY NO MORE FOLLOWERS OUT THERE FOLLOWING US SINCE WE HAVE SORTA ABANDONED BLOG LAND. Ha ha ha!!!


STEVE- has been working since the middle of December THANK GOD!!!!
KAYLA - is doing well SWEET AS EVER!!!growing up :) She went to her very first Youth group outing at the end of Spring Break and IT WAS SUCH A MILESTONE FOR ME & DADDY!! our baby girls all dressed up going out on her first youth group outing (WTIHOUT US) She went to the ROCKIN WORSHIP ROAD SHOW MERCEY ME CONCERT and five other bands. After wards she went to a sleep over and was ecstatic as she retold all the events of the concert and how they went to go eat after the concert and didnt get back to the house till 2:00 a.m the next morning, and how she woke up at 9:30 and she was so excited. They brought her back at 1:00 in the afternoon and she was so excited.
JOSIAH - is still silly and busy as ever. We have taken him out of pre-school due to transportation issues. (a little bit sad ) But I have been doing school at home with him. He still mentions Lijah almost every day. and he cant wait for the new baby to arrive. He kisses my belly and talks to baby several times a day.

ME - very very very pregnant!!!! I have about three more weeks till the c-section. I have had a roller coaster of emotions preparing to have a HEALTHY live baby that is EXPECTED TO LIVE HERE WITH US. not having to think of funeral plans, TRYING to sort through all the emotions of receiving gifts and setting up the baby room which I STILL have a hard time SAYING "NURSERY" like if i'm not allowed. LOTS OF EMOTIONS that I have to try to justify to almost everone EXCEPT GOD, STEVE, and MOM!

We are very busy right now trying to rearrange all of our bedrooms to accomodate the new little one. I have had somewhat of a difficult pregnancy (again) all 3 of my pregnancies have been a bit tough. IM TIRED and we are still not done setting up the baby room. God has continued to be THE FAITHFUL GOD that HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN. We continue to TRUST and RELY solely on Him.

Right now we still are having transportation issues but WE KNOW GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

The doctor who delivered my precious Elijah is the same docor that is going to deliver this sweet baby. That has really made it much easier because he knows our history and he remember my sweet baby. That makes me feel good because I dont feel like he is being ignored.

I was BLESSED to have two baby showers and BOTH were a bit hard for me to go through and LOTS of people DID NOT UNDERSTAND how it was HARD, or how I " have not moved on" and how I can NOT "see this baby as a seperate blessing"
Maybe..... maybe its because they just arent able to comprehend I dont know, but it is so hard for me to know myself what and or why I feel "certain things" sometimes so I just try to no open up to other peoples comments.

I have really missed blogging. face book is different but this BLOG IS SUCH A SACRED PLACE, A PLACE I FEEL FREE TO SHARE ALL MY FEELINGS AND NOT GET JUDGED.

The one thing I am SO SCARED OF RIGHT NOW is ... in about 3 weeks I am going to have a new baby and I keep having these scarey thoughts of WHAT IF I DONT WANNA HOLD THIS BABY, WHAT IF I MISS MY SWEET LIJAH TOO MUCH, WHAT IF SEEING THIS BABYS HEAD CLOSED AND NO BRAIN SAC ON TOP MAKES ME SAD. AND THE OTHER THOUGHT THAT KEEPS RUNNING WILDLY ACROSS MY MIND IS.... " what if Elijah had lived? then this baby wouldnt be here and I honestly cant say WHAT that makes me feel but I FELL SOMETHING STRONG AND VERY INEXPLICABLE. WHAT IF I GET HURT FEELINGS WITH PEOPLES REACTIONS TO THIS BABY vs. how they reacted to Elijah.

At my 1st baby shower I had a very hard time opening gifts (we got mostly baby clothes and a stroller) I was sad because I didnt get to have that for my sweet baby Lijah but I was greatfull for the outpouring of love. At tthe 2nd shower it was also hard because both showers were at the exact same places where they made my Lijah shower(FUNERAL FUNDRAISER) so there were no cute clothes.

When I was pregnant of Elijah and we moved from Reedley to this house Josiahs crib fell out of the back of the truck on the highway so I thought Steve had gotten rid of it (since we knew Elijah wasnt gonna live here) and he acctualy had it in storage and recently we found out that the crib had been recalled but because the model numbers arent on the crib they cannot exchange it because we have no "proof " that it is the recalled crib. So I have been thrift store shopping for a crib and a changing table or a pack n play with the changer... ... looking for these items has been fun. The other day I became a bit frustrated because I havent found them yet and then I came to realize that I needed to be greatful that I am going to have a baby that gets to LIVE here with me. I remember saying over and over when I was pregnant with Elijah that I would give anything up IF ONLY he didnt have to go to heaven. So I resolved to not pout abut what I didnt have and be greatful for this new blessing. NOT 12 hours had passed when my phone rings and the person on the other side of the phone says they are sending us a baby bassinet!! Again GOD just being faithful.

BUT AGAIN... ... THOUGHTS OF LAST TIME vs. THIS TIME. Ugh it is such a struggle LAST TIME we were this far along in the pregnancy I was picking out burial plots and baby caskets, funeral outfits and wondering how I would manage to put a hat on his "SMART BOY BUBBLE", planning funeral songs and a euology for a son I wanted so bad to live, a child I carried in my belly for 9months plus two weeks and held in my arms for 25 and a half hours.
Last time my baby sister was pregnant 3 months behind me. My baby died hers lived. This time my baby sister AGAIN found out she is pregnant and has made a few "last time" comments not realizing how it cuts like a knife BECAUSE last time and this time are so painfully different.

SO YES I AM HAPPY WE ARE HAVING A BABY I MOST DEFINITELY AM!!! but I miss the one that I never got to bathe or bring home and rock.

Ive missed blogging mY SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS so even if all our blog friends no longer follow an abandoned blog I still cherish this place I hold so dear and miss visiting.

I will try to update in a few weeks ONCE I HAVE THIS BABY just in case anyone out there still reads our blog
IF ANY ONE WANTS TO FOLLOW US ON FACE BOOK JUST EMAIL US AT and I will tell you how we can connect via face book, our FB account is private so email us :)