Monday, November 10, 2008

16 weeks ago

It has been 16 weeks that at this very moment my little angels body was cuddled in my arms(lifeless? NO! not his soul!!!).

We have shared before about how warming and sweet The Perfect Peace Of God just envelopes us during worship, and when are precious Kakie is home with us, Steve, Josiah & I are overwhelmed with a feeling of complete wholeness.

Yesterday was one of those days. Watching her worship & sing unto her Lord & Savior standing next to me is an amazing feeling. Whether she is clapping and giggling with her bubba facing her, standing on the worship team strumming his guitar or if she is kneeling face bowed, hands raised, tears streaming down her face; We know she has a precious relationship with God!

This weekend has been a slumber party weekend at the Douglas Home. The blankets never really went to far from the living room... ... We've had a "camp out in the sala(living room)" weekend. It's been so much fun!

Yesturday we ended up not going to the cemetery for several reasons, 1. it was soggy wet from rain, 2. Kay got invited to spend the afternoon with Maddie, 3. I was feeling numb emotionally, and 4. Josiah was actually begging for a nap!!! Steve & I cuddled on the couch and watched football together all afternoon. (It was a nice treat - football with my sweetheart uninterrupted). We laughed when we were snacking & he said, "Hey this feels like when we were dating!"

My two precious blessings are cuddled closely under the covers. "KODAK MOMENT" :~)
I covered them up as I walked into the kitchen to get on the computer and my heart ached when this thought crossed my mind, "My two precious blessings" because My other
"Blessing - My 'Lijah" isn't with us.

Last night at church Kay was sitting with all the girls during dinner & worship. Usually she is the first in line for desserts after worship and last night, Steve asked me, "whats wrong with Kayla?" I looked over at her and she was just sitting there looking as if she was about to cry or like if she was sick. I asked her what was wrong and she just nodded, nothing. Steve said, "why isn't she in line for dessert with all the kids?" I waved her to come to me and as soon as she was in front of me she threw herself onto my arms and began to sob saying, "oh mommy I miss my 'Lijah" - I walked with her to a back room in our church and just held her. We comforted her and told her we loved her and we know how much she misses him! I held her for about 5-7 minutes and in those 7 minutes she expressed something to us she had never told us since 'Lijah died. She said, "I am sad but I am mad too because I only got to hold him once"

I assured her that we all felt that exact same way. We ALL feel mad & sad because he left so fast. As she held onto my neck tightly I whispered, "Baby girl do you want to know a beautiful secret? she looked at me and nodded yes tears rolling down her precious face. I said," look at mommy for a second okay" and when she looked into my eyes I told her, "do you know that no matter where you are at, in church at school at home with your mommy or at home with daddy & me "If you begin to sing worship to Jesus then you & 'Lijah are both in the presence of God, doing the exact same thing? and just like when daddy hugs & cuddles both you & 'Si it is the same with you & 'Lijah. When you are worshiping so is 'Lijah and Jesus is loving & cuddling both of you!" Her beautiful blue tear filled eyes just looked at me and she smiled and said, "okay, mommy" I said, "but we can still be sad & even mad because we didn't get to hold him that much & Jesus understands okay!" We wiped her face and she served herself dessert & hot cocoa and went upstairs for class.
*HUGE SIGH For Steve & I* (Oh we just wish we could take her pain away)

My pumpkins are still cuddled under the covers at "CAMP DOUGLAS"
Later today we are going to go out to the cemetery and Josiah asked if he could take his ball to play with 'Lijah so we might take the ball out there. We want to take a "family" picture cause Kay is home with us!!!

Dear 'Lijah:
I miss you sweet boy! Kakie & 'Si miss you too. Yesterday before church daddy was listening to your song "I'll fly away" he went and stood in front of the window, looking out side. His hands gripped the window seal and he cried silently. Daddy misses you a lot more since Moriah came home. I do too!
Today sissy & bubba want to go to the cemetery to play ball. Saturday night mommy showed them a new ball game in the tub and we were laughing & giggling with the ball bouncing all over the bathroom - I missed you at that moment so much! Daddy came into the bathroom and watched us be silly for a bit and then I noticed his eyes filled with tears and he walked out.
'Lijah, we aren't sad cause your in heaven, we know we will see you again we are all just sad for the things we have to do WITHOUT YOU!
There are so very many people who miss you - I know! I see it in Ya-Ya's face sometimes, even when she is trying to be strong. I know it- she misses having you here with Moriah, like it was supposed to be! Grandma misses you too - she bought you a card for your birthday- she wrote to you! Whenever Tio Jonathan comes over he will either look at your pictures quietly or go out to your flower garden. Nina & Nino don't say to much and they also don't come over that much but I know their hearts hurt for you too - Nino's dad went to be with Jesus just 6 weeks after we found out you were coming. Nino misses his dad just like we miss you. Yesterday at church, Tia Cindy said nothing to me about you but her hugs and her tear filled eyes looking at me as I held Moriah SAID IT ALL! Tia Cindy hurts when mommy hurts. She is Mommy's best friend.Daddy & I have to try & be brave sweet boy & we are trying everyday!!!