Friday, December 12, 2008

Honestly, Ashamed & Disapointed!!!

Tonight after dinner we all got started on our yearly tree decorating traditions. Mexican Hot Chocolate, Mexican Sweet Bread, Christmas Carrol's, Stockings & decorations.

I don't even know where to begin... ... ...

I have always prided myself in being honest and tonight is no different. I must confess; my attitude & behavior were less than inappropriate on such a special night for our family.

Everything was going just right. Music, songs, dancing, laughing, and Yes the usual little ornament/decoration mal-functions that happen whenever you put a 3 year old a 10 year old & 1 perfectionist parent & 1master at everything parent on the same tree lighting project!! l.o.l

The stockings were hung (after several attempts), the tree was almost full - we had gotten wonderful pictures which I was going to post BUT, our brand new digital camera we were BLESSED with decided to call it a night, earlier than expected (batteries died & we had no extras) SO rather than being a well spirited mommy @ Christmas Tree Night & just letting it slide, I began to get annoyed. I kept thinking about all the silly- goofy pictures we took, which used up the batteries.

Everything looked just splendid! and I was still more than okay! The tree was perfect, the stockings hung, the music was playing & ... ... ... JOSIAH had fallen asleep on the couch (in my mind he was supposed to stay awake for everything)

NOW WAS THE TIME WE HAD DESIGNATED to put up 'Lijah's monie(pacifier) and picture as tree ornaments.
WE HAD PLANNED ON PLAYING HIS VIDEO while listening to soft Christmas music & take pictures. THE DVD PLAYER BROKE RIGHT AS STEVE WAS PUTTING IN THE VIDEO. & 'Si was asleep!!!

I was so frustrated. I got upset & was very short fused with Steve. Okay I was mean. He was trying so hard to find batteries for the camera & then I said just forget it. Whenever I say just forget it; It is as if I just cursed Steve out - He hates whenever I say forget it. I tried to shake it off and I said , "sweetie - don't worry about it lets just play his video before 'Siah falls completely asleep". THE STUPID THING BROKE!!!
Again, Steve tried hard, over & over to "FIX" the dvd player. By now I was just steaming*Ughhh*
I said, "Oh well! who cares? everything always goes wrong for us! what's new?" Steve got upset with me (rightfully so) Kayla was putting together some ribbons.

I went into my room and there on top of my bed was "The Box" from the hospital- with Elijah's monie. I began to cry. I opened the box pulled out his monie and right under it was his Hospital Birth Certificate with his foot prints. I was crying & missing him so much. My heart was just aching! I was holding his stuff when I noticed a very small card. I opened it and inside was a plastic bag, in it was My 'Lijah's lock of hair! Beautiful- Thick & dark.

I began to weep into my pillow. I heard Kayla say, "daddy- you shouldn't have gotten mad at mommy - we are all just missing 'Lijah we are all stressed because we wanted tonight to be PERFECT because he isn't here"
I heard Steve tell her she was right and that he was sorry. Steve came into our room & we held each other tight and cried with 'Lijah's lock of hair in hand.

I walked into the living room and Kayla greeted me with a big hug & a smile to warm any heart. She held me so tight and said, " it's okay mommy- we can take pictures tomorrow & we can watch his video later. " I hugged her and told her how sorry I was for the way I acted and that "I should not have reacted the way I did for materialistic things" WE ENDED UP HAVING A GOOD TIME WE all three stood in front of our tree hugging each other and placed 'Lijah's monie right in front of our tree.

I am so upset with myself. You would think that after all we have been through I would not allow myself to get so upset over petty little things!!! What happened to cherishing the moments. I just totally got caught up in the moment of mis-haps & did not handle it at all in a manner to be proud of. I am very ashamed at my behavior. I apologized again & again. Steve & Kay said "it's okay" but I don't feel that it is!! I should know better than to react that way!! how awful of me!... ... getting upset over dead batteries & a broken dvd player!!
I would have thought that after burying my newborn son I would have learned the value of life!!!
* UGGGHHHH* I could just kick myself!
Elijah wouldn't want me to behave that way!!!

Another Angel Has Joined Heavens Choir

Our friends;
Hank & Jolene Wall were blessed & Honored to carry
Noah Gabriel Wall
for nine months and some days.
Noah's Auntie Victoria replied to an email I sent her asking how they were all doing. Victoria informed me that they were scheduled to go into the Hospital on Thursday, December 11th for induction, at 7:00 a.m.

I just received another reply from Noah's Grandma:
Noah Gabriel Wall
was born
Friday, December 12, 2008
3:30 a.m.
he weighed
7lbs. 14 oz.
Noah went to Heaven before he left his mommy's tummy.
PLEASE KEEP THEM IN YOUR PRAYERS!!! & Stop by their blog to leave them some words of encouragement