Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I got up at 5:00a.m couldn't sleep anymore either. Just want to say thanks to Laurie for letting us know you are lifting up the unspoken request along with us. I think maybe that is why neither Steve or I could sleep this morning.
SO what do you do when you just can't sleep and you have lots on your mind?
Steve's motto ... ... ... we organize , clean and do anything we can to keep our minds occupied!!!
Steve has been reorganizing our dresser drawers, doing laundry and sorting out winter clothes to put away and putting out the stuff the kids & we have out grown or will no longer wear.
I on the other hand, have been biting my nails, plopping myself from couch to couch, taking care of important phone calls (like 1), and trying to keep Josiah entertained(not really he keeps following daddy saying "we working hard daddy"). I did get up at 5:00 and put away one basket full of mine & Steve's clothes before I curled up on the couch and dozed off til Cindy called us at 8:30 a.m to let us know SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PACKAGE ELIJAH RECEIVED FROM WISCONSIN!!!! :) i had a feeling she was the culprit!!! (L.O.L) I also put away one load of Kayla's clothes and ... ... Oh yeah I threw out the trash :) I'm such a trooper!! (right!?!)
I then managed to convince MR.CLEAN to take a run with me into town FOR IMPORTANT BUSINESS!!! like Mc Donalds for breakfast :) he wasn't too enticed until I said, "you've worked so hard all morning... ... we should go get you a chocolate milkshake" VOILA!!! the magic word :)
We went to Mc Donalds and I realized I didn't have my purse :( I had left it at moms yesterday. we had to go to Parlier to pick up my purse, since we were already in town I decided to go into the bank where we have opened Elijah's memorial fund. I ran into 3 girls I went to High School with. I didn't feel like talking so I just didn't look them in the eye and walked out. NOW I FEEL BAD... ... ... but i didn't feel like answering any questions. oh well. they won't fall apart just because I didn't say HI right? who am I any ways?
We got back and Josiah is ready for a nap but this little turkey said, "I go night night myself, my room" BRAT I WAS COUNTING ON DOING MY MOTHERLY DUTY!!
So I guess it's back to Srgt. Clean for working orders :) CINDY TAKE ME AWAY!!! ha! ha! ha!
ON ANOTHER NOTE, I've been thinking that maybe I need to clarify something.
NOT TOO SURE BUT JUST A THOUGHT that keeps running through my mind.
I just want to clarify for any family members who are reading this blog; that I love, appreciate and need ALL OF YOU, not one is more than the other. If for some reason you were not personally contacted by me or my mom to inform you of Elijah's diagnoses it IS NOT BECAUSE WE CHOSE NOT TOO but just because as I am sure you all can imagine it is quite a bit draining to make phone call after phone call to say, "we found out he's a boy & his brain is hanging outside his head and he's gonna die". My mom called her sisters and brother and send Bernice a text message for me because I did'nt want to talk. I asked Minn to email anyone whose email address she had. I only made 2 personal calls (a few days later), to the two cousins I remembered had been through a bit of a similar journey as the one I was about to embark. I called Priscilla and Ruth. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL VERY DEAR TO ME AND I CHERISH ALL OF YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tonight was Tuesday prayer night. Steve and Josiah of course went to watch the little league St. Louis Cardinals play again tonight. I don't know who enjoys Tuesday night's more, daddy or Josiah ?... or me :)!!!
I got home to find a package that was left on our front door step,
addressed to ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS.
the package is filled with little hats. CUTE ONES!! all blue of course! and one tiny baseball cap!and a build a bear workshop bear. so touching :) This package came from a foundation in Green Bay Wisconsin. The foundation is called HEAVENLY HATS FOUNDATION.
I don't know how this foundation got our address, whether a friend, a doctors office, angel babies or who?!?!?!?! BUT WHOEVER IT WAS , STEVE & I ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR THE THOUGHTFUL GESTURE!!!!!!!!!!
BEYOND WORDS... ... Dina (my cousin) you will never know how much it has meant to me, on such a heavy day; to know that you passed Elijah's blog to our cousin Becky in Arizona!!! I have been missing grandma so much through this journey, there are days that I ask myself, what would grandma tell me? what words of solitude, wisdom and encouragement would she speak to me? and tonight as I got home and checked the blog to find a comment from Becky took me back ...
Back to Grandmas house back to the days when we were all oblivious to the pain life brings. All of us playing. Having so much fun! in grandpas back yard getting into things we probably weren't supposed to :) back to whenever you & your parents would come over and we would go play in the sewing room and fight over who was going to be Tia Janie, Tia Fela and Tia Naomi Tia Licha & Tia Esther... The picture some one took of us playing with the purses out of grandmas closet!! And all the fun we had growing up whenever Tio Meme & Tia Hela (Becky's Parents) came from Arizona!! We were sure we were in for a good time with them here.
Reading her comment; ITS ME BECKY FROM ARIZONA just took me back and as tears filled my eyes, I could even smell grandmas kitchen, hear her & Tia Hela talking as they cooked! AND ALL OF US KIDS running in and out of the kitchen til grandpa caught us and quickly put a stop to it!!!
I just have to say THANKS DINA!!! my heart is so uplifted to have heard from Becky - to know a part of grandma somehow reached me today! Thanks to YOU!! You have taken the life of my precious little baby and shared how important I feel his life is and passed it on to very important people in our life's!! There is nothing like hearing from family as we travel down this path set before us!
TO MY COUSIN BECKY & ALL WHO READ & COMMENT ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THIS BLOG WE APPRECIATE YOU ALL AND FEEL YOUR PRAYERS!
the gratitude in our hearts is beyond words :) you have all blessed & encouraged us with your prayers and comments!!!!
I want to wake up from this so bad! I WANT TO STOP THIS CRAZY RIDE! I WANT TO STOP FEELING HOW I FEEL! i wish i could be normal again. normal? what is normal?
Yesterday at the doctors office there was so many precious baby's in car seats and I couldn't help but look at their little heads. THEY WERE CLOSED!! WOW! how amazing heads with no brain hanging out!!! their mommy's could actually hold them and switch them from one arm to the other. burp them. play with them by bouncing them up & down. all the things I took for granted with josiah. I had josiah and brought him home and even though it was during the busy holiday season we took him to my sisters for family gathering and everyone held him. everyone looked at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his ears, his tiny feet, his fingers but not once did I ever think WOW his head closed properly and his brain is inside of his head.
One lady asked me what I was having and I told her a boy. She said, "oh so you need to try for a girl next" I just smiled and said nothing. I had nothing to say. Then another woman with a tiny baby asked, "when are you having your baby?" I said, "in 2 months" her reply was a very normal one, she said, "OH ITS ALMOST OVER!!" those words just kept ringing over and over and over in my head and tearing my heart into a tiny billion pieces. Elijah has been so active yesterday and today and every time he moves I can't help but think "ITS ALMOST OVER" it hurts to hear those words. I know she knew nothing of what I am going through and it is very normal to tell a very pregnant lady "its almost over" but for normal pregnant ladies it isn't ALMOST OVER like for me for them it is almost over and just about to begin. For me I don't even know if i will get to hear my son cry, if I will get to give him a binki, if i will get to bathe him, if i will get to change his first diaper... ... ... ... ... ...
11:47a.m ... ... ... I 'm back I stopped for a good cry Steve came over and held me. Josiah came over and saw me crying with daddy and he ran to get his blankie and jumped into my lap and said, "feel better now mommy! feel better now." I held him and told him I was just sad because I'm going to miss Elijah and he said, "no mommy" no he jumped off my lap and took my hand tightly in his and said, "mere mommy, mere I hold you feel better now" so I went to the couch with my little man and let him hold me till he fell asleep . sweet guy!!
We are going to let Josiah sleep for a little since he's sick and then at 1:00 we have an appointment about what WE ARE PRAYING ABOUT. I'm not really in the mood but Steve says I need to get out. I feel so bad whenever I break down like this because he just wants so bad to "fix it" for me and he can't. It tears me apart to see the look in his face when he has nothing to say and just holds me and says, "its going to be okay" right now he just went outside to clean out the car so we can get going, as he walked out the front door he said, babe it's a very nice day, I'm going to leave the door open for you okay" He tries so hard to make me feel better I wish I could feel better!!!
I better go get dressed
NEED YOUR PRAYERS TODAY IN SUCH A DEEP WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
we took Kayla back to school :( miss her already! On the way back went to see how Ben was feeling. He has been under the weather. Ended up staying there for lunch.
Took care of some personal business we had to tend to PLEASE PRAY FOR US REGARDING THIS VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE! WE NEED THE SOVEREIGN HAND OF GOD TO MOVE ON OUR BEHALF.
AFTER a long day of that stuff we decided to take Josiah to see his pediatrician. He continues to be so fussy and not eating well. This is so not like him. Although Steve & I were convinced it was just his molars cutting through, my mom insisted we take him in because he just hasn't been able to be himself... ...
we went in as a walk in with no appointment so we had to wait for 2hrs and 45 minutes in the waiting room. A room filled with 28 adults each with at least one child and many of them with up to three. It was standing room only and of course it is a doctors office so the poor kiddos are all so fussy & sick. Josiah was doing pretty good just sitting with us and after about an hour and a half he asked for water so I asked the girls for a cup of water, they brought us two of those alhambra little cups. Josiah took his time drinking then decided he wanted to drink the other cup of water as well. After the water was gone he was fiddling with it and heard his echo in the cup.
Suddenly his eyes brightened up and he said, " Raise Da Lor"(praise the lord) Steve & I wanted to laugh but he was so serious. he then proceeded to lead a worship service to the "congregation"(clinic full of parents & sick children) He sang "All I want is you Jesus, I found Jesus,The name of the Lord is a strong tower, How great is our God, Stir up the hunger"
I WISH I HAD A CAMERA!!!! he looked so cute he would sing a song eyes closed and at times hands raised and he even knelt down during some of the songs. He not only lead worship but he preached too! he walked around and shouted at the top of his lungs "Bible says, Bible says, Jesus, raise da lord, allelujia Bible says" there was one little boy about his same age and Josiah walked over towards him and said "love Jesus?, raise da lord?" then he kept walking around with the cups as his microphone. SUCH A LITTLE EVANGELIST!!!! he played like this for about 15 minutes.
When we finally got in to see the Dr. she found he has a very bad infection and needs med's. poor guy I feel just horrible, here we were sure it was just his teeth and it isn't!! UgghG!!!! I feel soooooo bad for my baby! he suffered Thursday all night Friday all day & night Saturday and Sunday all day & night and today too with out the antibiotics to help his little body fight off the infection. He will not be going to school until Wednesday. I haven't told him yet because all day he kept saying, "schooly now mom, schooly". Hopefully me & daddy can be just as entertaining as his beloved Kito Ben, Teacher Jesse & best bud Mathew (i doubt it but we will sure try) IF ANY OF YOU CREATIVE PEOPLE OUT THERE HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR A SPECIAL LITTLE 2 Y R OLDS SAKE PLEASE SHARE YOUR IDEAS. I know he will appreciate them :) especially because he is so super active and smart it is such a challenge to keep him entertained.
Gotta go cuz my little man is just fussin and daddy's just walking out to pick up his prescription so I need to take him from daddys arms.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
FUN! FUN FAMILY FUN!!!!
But our poor little man is still all drooly but he is really looking forward to today!
DETAILS LATER because every one is waiting for me in the car!
THANKS FOR THE OPINIONS ON THE CHIME MAKING :)
will update on our day later, later tonight. because we will be out ALL day!!
Friday, April 25, 2008
The fever is a little more under control THANK YOU LORD!!
We did end up spending the day at "memas". Beth and I had a good talk again. Well I think mostly I talked and she listened. She's too sweet!
Early after we learned of Elijah's Diagnoses, she, mom &Minn had talked of having maybe a "beanie shower" knowing that we will need plenty of those just in case The Lord has ordained a number of days for us to have him at home, and if not then we could donate the beanies to the hospital or Angel Babies Hospice, who are helping us out during this time.
I though it would be a good idea but as the days draw nearer, I find myself digging my heels in the ground, so to speak.
Today during our talk Beth said she would take charge and she set the date and we planned the meal :) So, hopefully I won't be an emotional wreck - well if I am I guess I'm entitled :) I also asked Beth & mom what they thought about us taking the ceramic clay to the shower and having each guest make a heart for my "Elijah wind chime" I told them they could be completely honest, that my heart wasn't totally set on this happening at this event just a thought I had. Mom wasn't too sure if it will work out, Beth says she thinks it's a good idea. So I don't know ANY IDEAS? LET ME KNOW PLEASE :)
I also was able to stop by Minn's on my way home from getting Kayla after school. The girls played and we had a nice talk for about an hour, which was SO VERY SUPER NICE! (I need my big sis so much right now!!!) She & Ben are Elijah's godparents. We had asked them back in December. Minn is in charge of sending out the donation letters that we are putting out to help us with the funeral/memorial services. Her and Cindy have taken on so much of this load. The letters will go out to local businesses and churches so please help us pray. I told Steve this morning that I keep having this dream that we are at the funeral and I am in my jammies and don't have a clue as to what goes where or who does what. I told him I think i'm just nervous to make sure I arrange every detail of my baby's "going home celebration". I just pray we can collect the first seven hundred necessary for the cemetery. I KNOW WE HAVE AN ARMY OF PRAYER WARRIORS AND WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! so I am going to just trust HIM and not depend on our lack of funds. I KNOW YOU ALL WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY even for this specific need.
UGggHhh!! I just hate how my thoughts are so jammbled - BUT I DO APPRECIATE YOUR PRAYERS, COMMENTS & WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT good night all :)
Mom told me yesterday, that she washed the blanket she made and embroidered for Elijah. I will take a picture and post it later. It is beautiful :)
PLEASE pray for us (Josiah is so fussy I see him whine and I feel like telling him I know how you feel son & I wish I could cry just like he does - that would look funny though!)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Cindy & Chris came by and we had a pretty good visit. Josiah worshiped with his microphone that Cindy bought him and he made us each hold some object in our hand as if it were a microphone and we each had to sing along. Josiah kept a close eye on Chris and if he stopped singing he stop singing and told Chris," sing". Steve recorded him on the camcorder.
They left at about 6:30 and we stayed outside and watched Josiah ride his tricycle. Daddy recorded that too! Especially the newest trick, (he knows how to pedal backwards)!!
SO then why when we came in to make dinner, I all of the sudden was overtaken by a deep unexplainable SADNESS!! I mean like REAL real deep sorrow and the thoughts that came over me... ... like the fact that we won't have those kind of moments with Elijah (watching him ride a tricycle and be a little clown like Josiah).
I feel so bad for Steve I don't think he knows what to tell me anymore.
I JUST CAN'T SHAKE THIS FEELING AWAY
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I got a bit side tracked because I ended up having to go out, to pick up Josiah and take him to school because they were involved in a little fender bender at an intersection right around the block. THANK GOD it was not serious at all no dents on the car or anything. I asked Josiah what happened and he said "car driving and bump". I asked him if he got scared and he said, "nope".
We went to school and he ran into the play area to play with his friends. As I was walking toward the front door he ran to me and said, "mommy" as he raised his arms for me to carry him. I thought for sure we were going to have tears but as soon as I started kissing and kissing his neck he got embarrassed and said, "go mommy, go now, bye!" Silly boy :)
I got home and Steve went to the grocery store. I took a snooze while he was out. He made me some waffles when he got back. It is now 11:30 and I just got out of the shower. I have to go get Josiah at 12:00. For some reason I just can't seem to get enough rest. I keep feeling like I'm tired or sleepy. So I'm looking forward to "having to put Josiah down for his nap" hee! hee! hee!
We have bible study tonight. The ladies at church put together a meal thing, where some one makes a meal for us a few times a week! WHAT A BLESSING THAT HAS BEEN!!
So today we are having beef & cheese enchiladas with rice. YUMMY!!!
maybe more later :) thinking of a lot today... Baby Eva's mom, Asher & Issac's mom, Joshua's mom & Baby Alex's mom Baby Jacobs mom and so very many other mommy's who have to be so brave and strong and carry on. Can't help but ponder on how God's perfect will has brought us all together. I feel like I have a new family circle. I pray for each of these families constantly. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A SUPPORT & INSPIRATION TO ME on this journey that we have recently embarked.
The doctor told me yesterday that I am now 7 months. WOW 2 more months. 8 weeks sounds so scary because of the unknown. how much time will we be given? So many thoughts... I hope we get to hear him cry. I want to give him a Binky or as Josiah calls his "monie". I really hope very desperately that we are given as many days as possible!! I know I will never be READY to let go. But i want AS VERY MANY DAYS AS POSSIBLE! but I will cherish every second I am given.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I guess keeping on the bright side of things, or as Steve told Kayla when this whole ordeal started; "finding the rainbows!" what are those rainbows today?
- Elijah is growing
- He looks so precious
- He has ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes
- He has a strong, healthy heart beat
- His kidneys are functioning perfectly
- His lungs are developing just as they should be
- His brain is growing
So everything is growing just fine except that his brain is outside of his head, and he can't survive like that.
We talked to the doctor about the things we were going to, she heard us out and explained her view. Steve & I left feeling very comfortable with what she said. ABOVE ALL WE ARE CONFIDENT that the Lord has his hand of protection on the entire situation.
I had to go do some routine lab work before we came home. The two phlebotomy technician's who drew my blood were so spiritually uplifting! Earlene even jotted down Elijah's blog address, and Theresa, she even held my hand and prayed for me!! TRULY AN UNEXPECTED BLESSING!
We came home and were totally emotionally spent. Ate lunch and got Josiah after school (we are so grateful for all that our eldest nephew does for us & Josiah. His name is Ben, Josiah calls him "Kito Ben" his nickname at home is KITO and at daycare, because he works there at Josiah's school they call him Ben so Josiah now calls him Kito Ben) THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO KITO BEN!!!
So we came home and all took a nap together on our bed. It felt so good to be able to feel the security of being together. I will be going to prayer night at 6:00. Steve & Josiah to another ball game.
Shhhh! please don't let Elijah hear that, we all know what happened last week Hee! Hee! HA!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Whenever I called him to tell him about Elijah, I felt bad because I just called him on the phone and told him over the phone. Stupidly, I was surprised with his reaction HE GOT ALL EMOTIONAL and started crying. BUT he doesn't always react to things in a normal way so I guess I thought he would just say ok. (pretty stupid of me) so a few minutes after I hung up my mom came into the kitchen and I said, "i called my dad to tell him". The look on my moms face confirmed what I was feeling... that I should NOT have told him on the phone!! OOPS!
All that to say this: we talked on Sat. afternoon and he's been calling to check on me at least once a week. sometimes he calls a few times in a row (because he forgets he just called me).
Anyways He said,"hi mija! como estas? como te sientes? (how are you & how do you feel) My dad said that he was riding the city bus and was thinking about Elijah and that he thinks that when the baby is born it will be a false alarm and that Elijah will be fine. He said," I just have that feeling that when the baby comes he will not have his brain out". He said, "your grandma is praying and I just think it's going to be a false alarm." I told him," that's what we pray too dad. That's what we want more than anything! BUT WE NEED TO BE PREPARED".
SO... ... ... so since that conversation I have had these thoughts running in my head:
- why is it so hard to explain whats happening?
- why is it hard for some people to accept what I HAVE TO LIVE WITH EVERY MOMENT OF MY DAYS?
- why do I feel so guilty when people don't understand why we are preparing?
- why do I feel like people look at us as though we are preparing because we wish it to happen or don't have enough faith?
- why Do I love when people ask how are you doing today? and ask about what they've read on the blog or whats the latest info from the dr. appt.
- why do Me & Minn have to be so busy that we don't always have time to spend time together?
- why do i constantly have spinning thoughts in my head?
- why can't I concentrate?
- why can't I just scream and wake up from this bad dream?
- why do hugs feel so good but don't make it all better?
- why do I love for people to know and ask/talk about Elijah?
- why can't the doctors fix his head?
- why can't these babies just survive( if we take real good care of them)?
- why can't we plan things for this summer like normal?
- why does it just tear my heart apart when activities are mentioned for this summer?
WHY WHY WHY? I know there aren't any answers I just wish there were:) REALLY I AM NOT HAVING A BAD DAY!!! I AM DOING GOOD ACTUALLY JUST A LOT OF QUESTIONS I know cannot be answered.
I've got to go! I need to wake Josiah for school. Steve took Kayla at 6:30 and will be here soon to take Josiah.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Kayla had a friend (Julie) over for the afternoon. They played outside at moms BUT WE think Josiah has a little bit of a crush on her!! YES I KNOW HE's just 2 but he gets all red and giddy and stares at her as he says her name over and over for no particular reason(it's so funny)! So I think he sorta stold her company a bit! THANK HEAVEN FOR NAPS! The girls finally got to play uninterrupted:)for a few hours then before we knew it it was time for evening service! so we headed back to church. I was so exausted! BUT, AS SOON AS WORSHIP STARTED I felt renewed I enjoy being in his presence so much and it was just great to have the kids worshiping right beside daddy & I! The study tonight was great too! It is just about 10:00p.m and the kids are both in bed (back to school tomorrow). Our day over all was a very pleasant one! going to close early tonight cuz I'm a bit tired. THANX TO OUR 264 who visited our page today!! :) Please keep our little girl in your prayers. She goes back home tomorrow! I know she will be fine! just pray with us that the presence of the Holy Spirit be ever present in her life ever hour of her days and that HIS PEACE KEEP HER SECURE IN HIM AND that HIS will be done in her life!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
IT' BEEN A GOOD ONE so far.
Waiting for Steve to get home with Kayla (she's home this weekend)!!!!!!!!!!
wish she could be with us all the time but we are glad for the times we do have her.
Mom & Cindy are going to be comming over for dinner later... ... ... (Cindy just got here)
YIPPY!!!!!! I get to sneak an early shower well not so early it's 2:45!! I fell asleep with Josiah :)
But overall it's been a nice quiet day! BUT IF I WANT A SHOWER I BETTER GET GOING... ... MORE LATER
Friday, April 18, 2008
Needless to say it was very heavy on the hearts. We are so blessed to have the peace and strength of God. As we walked up to the door, waves of emotions swept over me and through me. Steve was so very quiet but holding my hand tightly as we walked through the doors. The funeral director greeted us and took us upstairs (a pregnant lady walking up a flight of stairs, heavy hearted isn't very easy). The hardest parts were: signing the forms to pick up baby and embalming(chills up my arms and spine as I write) and giving all the information to fill out the death certificate and the information for obituary. (SORRY if that was more info than you wanted to read I'm just being honest). All those forms, are things I never knew had to be done for any funeral preparation. I can honestly say that THIS was not crossing my mind, the day Steve and I stood in front of the church; looking into each others eyes saying our "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSES"(i know it's not a word but you get what I'm saying). As we continued signing documents and answering questions the waves of emotions that raged inside me were insurmountable and at times I felt like I was suffocating and drowning all at once. Suddenly this verse came to mind and PEACE SWEPT OVER ME AND I WAS ABLE TO CONTINUE. the verse is found in Isaiah 43:2 and it says: [When you go through the deep waters. I will be with you. When you go through the river of difficulties you will not drown when you pass through the flames you will not be burned the flames will not consume you.] WHAT A PROMISE!!!
We were able to go through the entire process with an overwhelming sense of peace through the heaviness of hearts we carried, even as we walked over to the little baby caskets (Ugghg! THAT WAS HARD) holding each others hands tight. I couldn't help it I had to reach in and feel the tiny satin white pillow and the material lining that tiny little thing (making sure it was soft)... it was. I immediately pulled my hand back (not wanting to go too deep into that emotion). One thing is for certain that I am glad we are able to take plenty of time to do all this. Cindy came over to be with us last night(Just gotta love the sacrifices this girl makes!)
STEVE & I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU CINDY, SO MUCH MORE THAN WORDS WILL EVER BE ABLE TO EXPRESS!!!!
I was telling her that the next order of business is the paper work and legalities at the cemetery and ordering the flowers... DEFINITELY NOT DOING THAT THIS WEEK but maybe next week. IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. We got home and were exhausted!! but too tired to go to bed, if that makes sense. Not much makes sense these days anyways.
Before Cindy came Beth and I were sitting on the couch talking and it hurt me so bad to see her little face turn red as tears filled her eyes. She said that listening to all the funeral arrangements made her realize how real this really is. It hurt so bad because she is my baby sister. 12 years younger than me. For one of the first times in our lives I can't take away her pain. TOO HARD! Beth & I are so close not more than Minn but just different. Beth & I spent more time at home together before getting married and SHE'S THE BABY not only that but she is right about to turn 4 months pregnant with her first baby and we were so excited because we were going to have babies only 3 months apart ALL the plans we were making... SUDDENLY THE PLANNING CHANGED. We talked for along time last night and I thought it was so sweet for her to not take any of her calls for the whole time we were talking. I was crying and telling her that I'm worried about her during the funeral because of her pregnancy. She was crying saying to me, "I'm worried about you seeing my tummy during that time, is it going to hurt your heart too much to see me, should I stay away?" We had such a good talk and cry together just like sisters do. Mom & I were talking last night about how much of a blessing YOU OUR "blog family" has become to us. So many people writing and sharing your love prayers and encouraging thoughts, even though you may have never experienced what we are facing and yet being so courageous to write us to share your support with us. Then the many others who have walked the painful path we are traveling in one way or another and you are there for us too!!!
STILL BELIEVING FOR A MIRACLE, WHATEVER HE CHOOSES WE WILL ACCEPT WITH PEACE, PAIN AND LOVE!!! The joy of knowing the peace of God, is our strength! NOT TO SAY THAT IT DOESN'T HURT but just saying we can feel His strength and ALL YOUR PRAYERS ARE A HUGE SUPPORT TO US.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
THE DOUGLAS FAMILY WANT'S TO THANK EVERYONE FOR
THIER PRAYER'S AND COMITS, IT'S A BLESSING!!!!
MAY BLESS YOU!!!
I know, I know IT'S 2:58 in the morning but i'm just so excited to tell you all... and finally mommy let me come to the computer to write!
WELL yesterday mommy & I went to prayer. Josiah and Daddy walked to the little league park around the corner from our house. I must not tell a lie "I WANTED TO GO TO THE GAME". On the way home from prayer night mommy rubbed her tummy & said, "Elijah your so still tonight". I heard her call daddy and say we were dropping off grandma and daddy's voice was so excited he said "BABE WE WATCHED 2 GAMES!!" and then mommy started asking all kinds of stuff about Josiah (boring stuff like did he take a bath, is he asleep, what time did he fall asleep) SHE didn't even let poor daddy finish telling her about THE GAME'S they watched. She just said, "OK i'll be home in a minute". Mommy noticed, that I kept bouncing, knocking and tappping and she said, "boy you sure woke up all of the sudden".
We walked in the house and Daddy started telling US about the games!!! Boy was I excited they watched the GIANTS vs. A's and then the RED SOX vs. Orioles! then mommy said she wanted to go to bed. I started to tap & knock and ... ... SHE WENT TO BED! Daddy came in right behind us and then they started talking about all the yummy food at the ballpark and I was just giving daddy all kinds of HI-5's boy what an exciting night they had and then Daddy said WE are going to go again next time. I was so excited I kept jumping and jumping! and then Mommy turned around (away from daddy) so I couldn't even finish giving him HI-5's. BUT i am so excited about going to the next game cuz i'm into baseball just like my daddy & Josiah (JUST PRAY MOMMY DOESN'T RUIN IT FOR US BOYS!!)
p.s did you notice the colors of my writing... ... "GO CARDINALS!!!" that's our team the "ST.LOUIS CARDINALS" (mommy's & Kayla's are the SF Giants and my nino & nina's team too) BUT NOT ME, I'M JUST LIKE DADDY!!!
mommy says she's tired and it's 3:09 so i guess i'll talk to you all later! "GO CARDINAL'S!!!"
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
(SO GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU ELVA XOXOXOXOX) NOT THAT IT IS BETTER TO HEAR FROM ELVA THAN ANYONE ELSE just that I hadn't talked to her at all since this whole ordeal started.
Today was such a better day than yesturday. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS FAITHFULNESS!!!
I told you all about the ordeal with the funeral director yesturday... I was able to have a long talk with Cindy and she was able to help me sort out all my thoughts and TODAY Steve & I decided to make one more try to call another funeral place turns out they ARE WAY WAY CHEAPER THAN THE ONE WE SPOKE TO YESTURDAY like half the price!!! GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!!!
I spoke to the acctual owner of the funeral parlor and he said they don't charge for all the extras when it is for babies they just charge what it will cost them to pay out so it is like half the quote we had gotten yesturday so now we won't have to cut out the church services (wake) and also be able to get the cute marker(head stone) WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT with him onThursday morning. GOD IS SO GOOD!!
We know that it might seem a bit gloomy to have to read about this and I appologize BUT IT IS WAHT WE ARE GOING THROUGH! and NO WE ARE NOT LOSING ARE FAITH! & IT IS SO GOOD TO KNOW WE HAVE THE SUPPORT OF OUR PASTORS!!!
We hope you can understand the immense amount of love we have for our precious little love; that we would want to make his goodbye just as precious and meaningful as we possibly can.
ON ANOTHER NOTE:
Elijah is still verymuch enjoying when I read yourcomments and he especially liked the rays of sunshine sent to him from Florida!!! I've gotta say that he really seems to enjoy the sunshine... whenever I take Josiah outside to play and I sit in the sunshine Elijah will pop up into the direction where the sun is comming from!!!
I better get going, I'm on my way to prayer. AND JOSIAH AND DADDY ARE ANXIOUS TO GET RID OF ME because when mommys not home daddy gets to give Josiah icecream and do all kinds of fun stuff I'm sure mommy wouldn't be to happy with watching!!!! and I heard Steve telling Josiah that as soon as mommy goes to prayer we are going to have a lot of fun!! He's planning on taking him around the corner to watch the baseballgame at the park so I better get going now CUZ JOSIAH KEEPS SAYING "BYE MOM, BYE, BYE GO NOW"
so talk to you all later :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
there went the rest of my day. I got allot of details and much needed information in order to prepare for saying our precious good bye. I was being so brave. Had it all together while I was on the phone. By the time I got through telling Steve all the details I was a MESS. I wasn't even able to pull it together enough to put Josiah down for his nap. Steve took Josiah into the room and layed with him. I went to the couch and cried... that was at 1:30 and Steve went to work at 2:45. I was still crying when he came to tell me he was leaving. That was one hour ago and I'm still a mess. I feel numb and disconnected. NOT TO MENTION HOW BAD I FEEL THAT STEVE LEFT TO WORK AND I WAS STILL IN A MOMENT.
I just feel like I can't connect. Like my emotions don't work right. I don't know, just feel so frustrated. Josiah is still asleep. I wish I could be more in control. I can't even express myself to the Lord right now. AND these thought keeps spinning around in my head...
"are we really going through this? are we going to make it? how does Steve really feel? is he tired of me always crying or being sad? Am I ever going to be really happy again? how is this going to affect Josiah?" TOO MANY MORE TOO KEEP WRITING. Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to bring back to my memory the days when I was so happy, frivolous and ignorant to all the pain in the world. BUT IT NEVER COMES BACK, NOT EVEN IN MY MEMORY.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
We had a big scare! Yesterday night after a long day we came home & I wasn't feeling well. I just kept telling Steve, "I just don't feel right". WE prayed and went to bed after getting things ready for "JUST IN CASE" something happens in the middle of the night. Thank You Lord " I GOT A REAL GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP!!! Got up this morning and went to church. after church went over to Ben & Minn's (my sister & bro. in law) house for lunch. Steve left to work at 3:00p.m and I stayed at Minn's. We had such an awesome time of prayer & talking about the greatness of God. At 5:30 we all got ready to go to church. (I wasn't feeling well) BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING CUZ I WAS TRYING TO BE BRAVE OR MAKE BELIEVE I WASN'T FEELING ANYTHING (pretty dumb huh?). Mom & Yay(my21 year old baby sister) got there and about 15 minutes into church I told mom. "I'm not feeling well". then I waited a few more minutes and about 2 to 3 songs into worship and I looked at her and said, "I'm having contractions, I'm going to call Steve at work" so I walked out and she & Beth (Yay - same person just another one of her many nick names) followed me. I called Steve and when i walked back into church, Minerva (my older sister minn) had all the deacons wives and two deacons and Sister Joanne their in the kitchen to pray for me. WE ALL PRAYED AND HE HEARD OUR CRY!!!! I AM HOME AND ELIJAH IS SAFE INSIDE WITH NO SIGNS OF COMING!!!!!!
I am very certain that I was experiencing labor but the people of God united in one accord and the Lord heard our supplication. I JUST LOVE WHAT BROTHER DOUG SPOKE AS HE BEGAN TO PRAY. HE SAID, "IN THE NAME OF JESUS THIS BABY NEEDS TO GO FULL TERM" It was such an awesome experience to feel the POWER OF PRAYER HAPPEN SO INSTANTANEOUS!!!! I could hear in the backround " Pastor leading the church to pray as they continued to worship!!!! ALL HONOR & GLORY TO MY LORD JESUS!!! I want as much time as my Sovereign Lord will give me with my baby boy!!!!! WE just keep praying that we will be given the miracle of bringing him home with us before we send him home!!! Steve & I are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people; OUR FAMILY YOU ARE ALL SUCH A BLESSING... ... Minerva said she would stay at church with Josiah unless I called her to come. Kito-Ben (josiah's nickname for my 1st nephew) and Josh (my godson & nephew #2) took Josiah to Walmart with them after church to buy his pull ups. and then took him home and gave him a bath. Cindy & Chris left church right with mom & yay and came right up to the hospital. CINDY IS MY BESTEST, BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD & Chris is her 15 year old son. Cindy is acctually more like a sister to me & she's my spiritual baby( more on that later). I can not imagine going through this without her (EVERYONE NEEDS A CINDY IN YOUR LIFE)!!!!!!! The day we found out about Elijah's cele was a Wednesday, so when we called mom that we were on our way home to tell her, I just expected Beth(baby sister) and her to be there cuz I thought for sure Ben & Minn would be at church cause they teach the kids at church. THEY CAME! and so did my brother Jonathan who lives one hour away. Reyna (my sister in law came too) Later that night at our house Cindy & Chris came over too!! SHE DROVE 30 minutes all the way to my house to be by my side. My brother Johnny who lives in Colorado wrote us a beautiful email and encouraged us to keep looking forward and to not give UP!!! I also had a very nice phone conversation with him the other day(on his b-day) and he just listened and then asked some very important questions. JUST SHOWED SO MUCH CARE & CONCERN!! WE ARE JUST SO BLESSED BY OUR FAMILY!!! and I've got to say how much of a HUGE BLESSING OUR BLOG FAMILY HAS BECOME!!!! I told Steve tonight at the hospital, "I wish we had a lap top cuz then I would post a prayer request on the blog" (thank GOD for his HOLY SPIRIT) blog not needed to reach the throne of GRACE, MERCY & HEALING!!!!! PRAYER REALLY IS POWERFUL!!!!
Friday, April 11, 2008
SO YOU SEE, I THINK MY BRAIN IS A SMART ONE!!! Whenever mommy& daddy get on the computer to talk about me, to all of you I like to hear them read the comments out loud. Mommy just rubs her tummy (ME) and says okay Elijah I know you can here!! AND I JUST KEEP ON bouncing around and around. I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE MY PICTURE!! AND I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU HOW GLAD I AM TO KNOW YOU ARE ALL HERE WITH US!!
GOOD NIGHT! FROM A VERY SMART BOY!
SEE MY FOOT!!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
We have been having it rough but it is so evident to see the hand of GOD touchin us ever so lovingly and tenderly through out every moment. WE KNOW WE ARE NOT ALONE!!! On Monday we were having a rough day and Steve ended up in the emergency room with chest pains (thank God it turned out to be a bruised & swollen sternum and not anyhting more serious) Well this woman stopped me as I walked out of the bathroom and we began to talk she is a christian and I told her about Elijah she said she would pray. I went back into the room with Steve and after about 15minutes I heard a page over the loud speaker for Steve Douglas to call the hospital operator. I thought for sure it was my mom (she was watching Josiah). I went to the phone and called the operator and she said "please come to the front desk" so I went over and the woman stands up and smiles as she says, "I have a gift for you from Jesus (A BOOK) & a scripture for you & your husband" she said "and your husband will be well maybe this is the reason you came to the hospital today".
WOW IS GOD JUST SO AMAZING OR WHAT?!?! NEVER LETTING US FACE A MOMENT ALONE!
Today I just got back from school & Steve was getting ready to go to work but went to check the mail first. WE got the bank statement from Elijah's burial/memorial fund and found that some one made a deposit!!! also we got a greeting card in the mail (JUST AT THE MOMENT WE NEEDED IT)!!!! AND last night a couple from church blessed us with a gas card!!! HOW GREAT A GOD WE SERVE AND ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND US SHOWING US SO MUCH LOVE!!! WE JUST GOTTA SAY "ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME!!!!!" Also my Tia Janie in Texas along with her church continue to send us their Love!!!! My Tia sends me cards and very encouraging magazines and her churches prayer cards have truely been a strength to us when we NEED it the most. The ladies at our church have put in place a prayer tree where someone prays for us daily WE CAN REALLY FEEL THE PRAYERS!!! AS I SIT HERE TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE I MUST SAY THAT THERE ARE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS OUR GRATTITUDE FOR ALL THE LOVE WE HAVE EXPERIENCED THROUGH YOU ALL!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
we had been offline due to technical difficulties BUT WE ARE BACK NOW!!!! These are some of the photagraphers favorite pic's taken on SAT. MARCH 22nd!! "Family- Pregnancy Picture day". We met Estee our "Angel Babies Photagrapher" at Woodward Park in Fresno. Josiah was much more interested in the rocks to climb and mimicking the quacking ducks swimming in the water than taking pictures!! Kayla was most helpful constantly trying to persuade brother to PLEASE pose for a picture!
All in all we had a great day the weather was very pleasant and on our way home we stopped at "Boomers Adventure Park" I wished I had taken a camera!! Steve & Kayla drove the race cars as Josiah & I cheered them on! Josiah's favorite activity of the day was the spider stompper where he had to stomp on the red flashing light beneath his feet. Needless to say when we got home he took a very long nap. Kayla & I enjoyed some "GIRL'S TIME"!!! I hope you all enjoy these pictures as much as we have. Let us know which is YOUR FAVORITE!!!!!