Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Birthday Celebrations

Josiah attended 2 very exciting birthday party's this summer. Since those parties he has been asking when we are going to make him a birthday party. We told him we were going to try to make him a birthday party. Steve & I have been thinking of making his birthday party on December 5th, because we have always had bad weather and almost everyone is out of town on December 27th.

I began making a birthday guest list. We can't afford to have a party at a kids restaurant or a kids party place so we are praying for 'decent' bearable weather :)

I was doing fine! I am the party planner in my family so I was starting to look around at dollar tree for any BOB the Builder stuff, haven't found any yet but I will keep looking.

Moriah is turning one at the end of this month, and I have been bugging my sister to tell me a theme so I could make the invitations and get things rolling.... ..... well, yesturday she finally gave me the details I was wanting.

I was making Moriah's invitations when IT hit me like a ton of bricks - My ONE year old didn't have a big celebration (not here any ways).

We (his parents) went to the cemetery, blew bubbles, sang happy birthday ... ... ... BUT IT WAS NO HUGE HAPPY OCCASION; it was very emotional & we are happy that he is in heaven BUT I miss my little son!!!

Yesturday was one of Lijah's worship Partner's Birthday's and I couldn't get her momma out of my heart.

Her Zoe Beth turned 2years old yesturday. So for my friend Lyndsay that means 2 years that she has had to live here on earth with a heart string tugging heaven bound.

So the other night Steve & I were walkig through K-mart and I noticed myself looking toward the 'baby' stuff. We were walking towards the pull ups for Siah and on one side was the cute baby items like car seats, strollers, swings & diaper bags and on the other side was 12 - 18 months "BOYS" pajamas... I felt like I wanted to scream, like I wanted to cry, I was angry, I was sad - I just about could feel Lijah in my arms 1 year ago but now all I had was this HUGE EMPTY heartache. I didn't get to plan his 1st birthday and I didn't get to purchase him any 'BIG' boy jammies.

I said nothing. ALL this was going on inside of me while Steve & Si carried on about random stuff. As we continued walking towards the pull ups Siah said, "Oh look mommy - one for me one for Lijah" pointing to a package of Bob the builder sippy cups. I smiled at him and couldn't say any thing we just kept walking.

I was glad to be out of that store, when we were done.

It was just so wierd how on one side of the isle I was looking happliy & hopeful to what we are expecting in May and in the same moment I was broken by what we were missing & had lost.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


This is my second giveaway I enter in Blog land. THIS POST is to make mention of Kristy's giveaway on her blog : [ON MY SIDE BAR UNDER ASHER & ISAAC]
Kristy is giving away a "miracle blanket" & I hope to win one for my blessing arriving in May!!!

* It is a special baby wrap that holds baby all nice & snug.... I WISH I HAD ONE FOR SIAH - HE REALLY NEEDED ONE I USED TO MAKE SPECIAL WRAPS OUT OF SHEETS FOR HIM :)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Kakie's Home!!!!!

We are so happy to FINALLY have our sweet girl home!!!! She was at her moms for 3 weeks in a row!

It is so amazing how COMPLETE we feel when she is home. Last Night we went to get some shampoo & Stuff from K-Mart and then came home and hung out JUST US DOUGLAS'!!!!

We talked & talked & giggled & giggled, Daddy mowed the front & back lawns and today after Siah's soccer game we are gonna come home and go for a swim!!!! crazy weather we got our (last) heat wave this week and it was 104!! *HOT! HOT! HOT! Today is only gonna be 100 but still hot enough to go for a swim :)

~I woke up missing my sweet 'Lijah, so much today! Moriah's 1st Birthday is next month... ... My sweet boy could have been running around this house and him & Riah could have been play partners. I WISH... and for those who commented that [this new baby] will take our minds off Lijah - UH, NOT!!!! We seem to think of him so much more, especially since he very well could have been playing with Siah, Kay(getting into all their stuff :-) and when this new baby comes he would almost be celebrating his 2nd birthday!!!

I think alot, of sweet friends who have been blessed by His giving and taking Just like us - I wonder ... ... How often their hearts have ached for their Heaven babies while gaazing into their new babies eyes.


The 3 of us are TRYING to squeeze enough time with her in such a SHORT weekend!!!

cause right now I can't seem to pry these 2 apart. Siah wont put one toe out that door without Kakie! & I WANT GIRL TIME!!!! :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Our Pandora's Box

The season is changing once again, With the new breeze blowing the chimes on our front porch and that very same wind blowing freshly washed towels and bedding on our clothes line in the back.

I stood in our back yard taking in the smell of freshly wet dirt from the first over night rain...

"if this is a brand new season, then why does this place feel So familiar? The pain in my heart, the reality of loss, questions running through my mind, overwhelming raw emotions.

I began to walk back up our back steps and to my right I see Elijah's Garden. The sky looks just like it did last year. My heart misses my sweet baby & I find myself in a day dream of what could have been. He would have ALREADY celebrated his 1st birthday, He would certainly be walking, actually he would be talking... ... IF he didn't have an ENCEPHALOCELE, IF he had only lived.

Is it possible to have a pain that will never fade, a pain that a smile or a laugh cannot erase.

Many changes have come our way. But none can take away what GOD chose to hand to US. We love in a different deeper way just because of 9 months of feeling him, loving him and wanting him and 25 hours and thirty minutes of holding him, watching him, hearing him all the while trying to find the strength deep within to say GOOD BYE.

In any second of any day I can close my eyes and I hear him, I smell him... So soft, so very warm - Your purplish- red 'CELE so heavy upon your tiny head, and heavy in my arms. Your little bare shoulders squared back as if you wanted to tell Me, "I'm okay mommy, I am okay"

Deep in my heart I knew, from the minute that I saw you, I knew we would not bring you home. I lived every single second of those short 25 hours and thirty minutes IN THE MOMENT.

In the moment I had you, In the moment we were together, In the moment there was no room for anything but Love... Beautiful, Honest, Pure, Sweet perfect Love!

Today is today. Same pain, deep deep inside my heart are the shattered pieces of my heart. A piece of my heart torn On February 13th, 2008 from knowing that despite your strong heart, your healthy organs and your perfect body; We would only wait till God decided it was the time.
On July 9th another wound to my already broken heart; despite all the prayer, all the faith, all the hope, I saw YOU brave sweet handsome you, perfectly fashioned by Gods hand, YOU. You were struggling to breath, you could barely grunt a few noises, You really couldn't cry BUT WE LOVED YOU & STILL WE wanted YOU.

25 1/2 hours later, July 10th 2008 our torn, broken, wounded hearts ripped with pain and a deep agony that only some have come to understand; As I fought so hard to keep my heavy tired eyes from closing because I wanted to see you take your last breath in my arms, And I did!

Now we begin this new season with a new hope and a new ache in our heart.
Finding out that YOU are going to be a Big Brother from that side of heaven is very bitter sweet.
I wish you could have been here! I wish you were going to be a Big Brother here, I hope that I have learned from whatever mistakes I may have made during the time I was carrying you. I hope to be a good mommy again, I hope I haven't lost in vain,

I hope WE (Me & Daddy & K & Si) will live up to whatever God is trying to do through us.

My heart is once again so mixed with deep emotion: Sad, Happy, Scared, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous.
Empty yet Full.

Before I found out "for sure" I was talking to a very dear friend I made because of YOU. I was telling her that I thought I might be pregnant and we began to share all the what if's that were spinning in my mind.

One of my biggest fears is LOVING & LOSING again. But I would do it ALL over again BECAUSE of You.

The next thing on my mind as I began to share with this very special & dear friend was a very deep concern. I am going to blog this very private thought because I hope that every person who reads this will stop & think twice before ever letting such silly hurtful words come carelessly out of our mouths ever!

I once heard a woman who had been through pregnancy loss in her own life, utter the words,
"I just wish she would miscarry" referring to another woman who was pregnant a few short months after having her 1st child.

Regardless of what marital, financial or spiritual status, I hope we can all remember that though well intended our words can sometimes cut deep and leave a scar. We are not the Author or Giver of life. Many times we think we see a mistake BUT only God knows the TRUTH of it all.

As our conversation unfolded I asked my dear friend what her thoughts were. She was honest in saying she was concerned and I am glad to have a friend like her in whom I have been able to confide in. She gives me strength to laugh, Courage to keep hoping & words of wisdom & encouragement that keep me grounded. I am blessed that you joined us along this journey.
*[you know who "you" are ;-) ]

This is our Pandora's Box another journey down this path set before us. We do not know what tomorrow holds but we know WHO holds all of our tomorrows & because He lives, We can face tomorrow.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Handsome Stranger From My Past...

On Sunday June 27, 2004 I was standing in a sanctuary of about 1,000 people. We were all ready to begin a Worship service where we knew God would once again show Himself as; Faithful, Wonderful and Worthy.

I was in this particular service with my eyes fixed only on My Savior & My Redeemer because I had recently been involved in a very rebellious, ungodly, and painful relationship.

I was certain that I would not let anyone ever come between me & Jesus ever again!

I must admit, as the worship service unfolded I noticed a very handsome and friendly stranger standing right beside me. He was clapping and singing songs as if he was really enjoying himself!

With my pen, study journal and bible in hand I turned to the passage where Pastor Rod Haro preached about Gideon.

Once the service was over I noticed that the very handsome stranger was at the Alter.

This Handsome Stranger became my boyfriend on Tuesday, August 18th and we were married a wonderfully short 7 months later, Saturday March 5, 2005.

(he proposed to me in front of the entire church on the very Alter where he came to know Jesus)

(I couldn't help but smile HUGE :o)

If you have been following this blog for any length of time you know we began blogging our daily journey as we travel through whichever storms, struggles, trials and triumphs that God upholds us through. This blog started after February 13th when we found out Elijah would be born in July of 2008 and all too soon leave us for Heaven.

Since that day we have been through so much!!!! Although this journey has been everything but a tip toe dance through the tulips. Our eyes haven't always seen too clearly what The Lord has in store. It hasn't all felt very soft and velvety BUT, WE KNOW HE IS WITH US. We haven't always felt Him!! BUT WE know HE has never left our side.

In His Timing and His Way and Through His People, we have been blessed. We were able to get our Jeep out of impound.

Today Steve started a side job for His Uncle. This morning I woke up and there in my bedroom door stood a very handsome stranger from my past. "Thank you Lord, for daddy's shoes for Tio Rey & Nina to give daddy shoes that work. And thank you Lord for the Jeep come out of jail AMEN!!!, JOSIAH PRAYED LAST NIGHT!!

Isn't it amazing what ONLY GOD can do!!! Steve looked so Handsome this morning. He smelled yummy too!!!!
Thank You Lord.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

our life

Wondering how it is that we are supposed to "count it all joy"? Have come across people who are familiar with our struggles and they say "COUNT IT ALL JOY"(from the bible). Then there are the comments like, "GOD HAS A PLAN"

You see I was raised in church, my parents were Pastors. I accepted Jesus in my heart at the age of 8 yr. old. Lived all my childhood and my adult life (EXCEPT for 1 'rebellious' Year) serving in the church and having a very fruitful relationship with Christ.

NOW, what keeps running over and over in my head is that part in the bible that says: "AND THE CHILDREN WILL PAT FOR THE SINS OF THE FATHERS(parents).

My Siah is pretty much traumatized, too much stress and hardship for a little 3 year old!!

Last night we were going on a MOMMY& SON drive to wal-mart to get milk and he had $3.00 my mom gave him to but his NEW favorite "hot wheels"!

The light on the license plate was out, I got pulled over by a Police. I got a ticket for not having my current drivers license or the registration & Insurance in the car (the day we stood in the fod line the registration was the only thing we had with us as proof of address) and Steve had forgotten it was still in his pocket.

As soon as Josiah heard the officer say ticket He began "WHALING" I tried to comfort him and he said he was so scared. I told him it would be okay then The officer came and said, WE ARE GONNA TAKE THE CAR. The whaling started again(the officer didn't even acknowlege Josiah was scared... for all he knew I could have been an abductor & he didn't even talk to Josiah even after I told the officer my son is very scared and he has had a rough past year can you explainto him that Policemen are nice & just making sure everyone is safe? the JERK just shined his lihght in my face and said, UM YEAH than you maam for understandin my position NEVER looking at Josiah)

So now our JEEP is in jail ;) and we have to figure out how we are going to get it out cause it costs money. Monday is a holiday and Tuesday Steve is supposed to start his 1st day of work. Josiah has Pre-school picture day @ 8:30 in the morning!!! and his 1st scrimmage on Tuesday night before the BIG game on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Friday, September 4, 2009

Crystal Beaded Bracelets...

My heart was so heavy for Kakie's family. I wanted desperatly to do "SOMTHING" for them. I am so glad I have always been such a pack rat ;) about 8 years ago when I lived in my apartment, I had begun to collect scrap booking supplies. stickers, ribbons, beads, letter beads, glitter decals and paints & stencils & paint brushes. Every now & then I would let Kayla get into my box & let her make stuff. Last Christmas she got her very own Card Making kit & I had forgotte all about my BOX.

I found the most beautiful whitle glass beads and the perfect dangling red heart.... I was scrambling through the box cause I couldn't just send one bracelet for Kake how about her little sister Ashley?!?!

Thank God I found just exactly what I needed & this morning Steve went to meet Kakie & their fam to give Kay & Ashley the cutest rememberance bracelets and a card for each of them.

NOW, i am here at home with fancy little Moriah. She is sick & not allowed to be in "baby-college"

her moma is on her way from having court this morning.

Kito Ben took Moriah to the Dr. & I met him there to bring her home with me cause Kito-Ben has a dr. appointment.

I am truely blessed, to have family that always tries to pull together (FOR THE MOST PART) but we have our "moments" jsut like everyother family.

For now I am sitting in a SPIC & SPAN HOUSE doone by my sweet heart. He is with my mom @ a rummage sale & donation place then they will pick up Si & come home.

ME & Riah are just chillin in a cool -"CLEAN" living room listenining to lullabies!.

I ambeginning to wonder who likes lullabies more, ME or the kids????? I THINK ME :)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Our Kakie Is In Mourning......

We just got off the phone with our sweet girl! Her cousin just lost her battle with cancer. So much death that my sweet girl has had to face in such a short time period.

She will be staying at her moms again this weekend. I spoke with Janet and told her they would be in our prayers. Please pray for her Sister who is the mother to Bree (Kay's cousin).

Oh my heart just breaks for them all. She was a just two years older than our Kakie.

Also pray for Kay's grandma(Janet's mom).

There just aren't any words............ Oh what hardships my little Princess has had to endure.