I WONDER...

I woke up this morning - feeling okay. Steve went on another job interview. He got back. Suddenly WHAM! a rush of emotions just slammed me! I look around and I know I am blessed. I just wonder when will I feel it? I HONESTLY feel like all I have been doing on my blog is complaining about what I don't have and all my woes. I am grateful for my family, my church and all the things I am blessed to have.

I just wonder... I wonder sometimes; WHAT? what are you showing me Lord? WHAT? what do you want me to see? WHERE? where are you taking me to Lord? WHERE? where do you want me to go?WHY? why is it so long? Why do I not understand?

I wonder... I even talked to Steve the other day; the bible speaks of blessings and cursing... I guess you can tell where I feel we are.

Things just seem to get harder and harder. Mom doesn't seem to understand she thinks this is all about Elijah. I don't know, is it? could be I guess.

I mean we are doing all we can to stay a float. Staying faithful in church, trying to stay focused, looking for jobs, going on interviews - things just seem to get harder and harder. Now the stupid county is saying they are not going to pay for Josiah's school for some dumb discrepancy thing. Josiah loves school he had just gotten over the attachment issues and now trying to get in to see my worker to dispute this matter is taking forever. She said she has an opening on Friday (1 week since this whole stuff started).

On top of this Steve. He is depressed I know it and he won't admit it. He's not talking, and just wants to sleep. He got back from the interview and layed down. He keeps saying he is tired and needs to sleep. I am trying to be understanding. I don't want to irritate him. I just feel so very overwhelmed.

We are not a people who just want to live on handouts!!!! WE JUST WANT JOBS!! we want to feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I'm just tired and overwhelmed, confused and weary. I KNOW THE BIBLE I FEEL HIM COMFORT ME, I DO.
I just wish I didn't feel like I do. I feel like we are being punished for something. I keep telling the Lord to show me, that I will fix whatever needs to be fixed. I'm just so tired of all the stress.

I wish Steve would just talk. I know he is very stressed. I can tell. The other day he told me something that I am not real sure what to do with. We were talking and he said "you don't look happy any more, I remember when we first met your eyes and face smiled even when you weren't smiling - You used to be a happy person and now I can't make you happy, maybe it's me"

I said nothing because I didn't know what to say.
PLEASE PRAY. I know I'm complaining and whining and crying and complaining AGAIN
please just pray