through the eyes of my Pre-schooler!

My heart is so heavy..... (so what's new?) It seems like right when I take a step forward then its one or two in the opposite direction.

My heart is so heavy for my precious 'Siah.....

He has been playing "DIE" alot these past four or five days & talking about "SPECIAL CRIBS", "HEAVEN", "SEE GOD", and making us all take turns "DIEing".

He asks very politely and pleads that we (me & K) play with him. Steve is WAY SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE with this and Kakie is a little bit too, but we (she & I) follow along with him because the grief counselor told us that this is his way of processing & dealing with his grief.

It just hurts and is very hard for me because it feels so Sad & even makes me a bit angry(too be quite frank); WHY? there's that question again... The question with no "real" answer or no answer that really helps me out! WHY US? WHY MY BABY? WHY MY 'SI & K? why??!?!?!?

Cause, "you guys are so brave"; cause, "God knew you could handle it"; cause, "some one else needs you to understand them";

JUST SO NOT FARE, I wish we weren't going through this. Wish I was busy with a 1 year old and tugging him along to take his big brother to his 1st day of school. BUT instead GOD SAW FIT that my 'Si & my sweet, precious K deal with a whole lot of DEATH!! and I have no 1 year old & 'Si & K have no baby brother(HERE)!

* HUGE KNOT IN MY THROAT AND TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE(again)!! and my two little blessings are sleeping together... just the 2 of them cause their bubba is in heaven.

tonight - 'Si said, "kayla, lets die together and I be with you" he jumped on the couch with her and they both closed their eyes then 'Siah screemed out, "GOD!!! oh, GOD I MISSED YOU!! WE ARE HERE GOD!!!"
Kay joined in (laughing and saying GOD we are here and she was going on and on repeating the same thing) then out of no where he got off the couch very matter of fact and said, "okay- mom we are down now. Kay, no more GOD, lets color"

STEVE hates for him to play this but that lady told me to let him feel safe to express himself that it is healthy for him.

UGGGGHHHHHHH, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!