Tuesday, April 29, 2008

WOW!!! gratitude beyond words

We went to the appointment we had like I mentioned earlier. If God wills and all goes well we had a very good feeling about the meeting, with the people regarding our unspoken but very urgent prayer request. (to be revealed as soon as it comes to pass if it is the Lords will).

Tonight was Tuesday prayer night. Steve and Josiah of course went to watch the little league St. Louis Cardinals play again tonight. I don't know who enjoys Tuesday night's more, daddy or Josiah ?... or me :)!!!

I got home to find a package that was left on our front door step,
the package is filled with little hats. CUTE ONES!! all blue of course! and one tiny baseball cap!and a build a bear workshop bear. so touching :) This package came from a foundation in Green Bay Wisconsin. The foundation is called HEAVENLY HATS FOUNDATION.
I don't know how this foundation got our address, whether a friend, a doctors office, angel babies or who?!?!?!?! BUT WHOEVER IT WAS , STEVE & I ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR THE THOUGHTFUL GESTURE!!!!!!!!!!

BEYOND WORDS... ... Dina (my cousin) you will never know how much it has meant to me, on such a heavy day; to know that you passed Elijah's blog to our cousin Becky in Arizona!!! I have been missing grandma so much through this journey, there are days that I ask myself, what would grandma tell me? what words of solitude, wisdom and encouragement would she speak to me? and tonight as I got home and checked the blog to find a comment from Becky took me back ...
Back to Grandmas house back to the days when we were all oblivious to the pain life brings. All of us playing. Having so much fun! in grandpas back yard getting into things we probably weren't supposed to :) back to whenever you & your parents would come over and we would go play in the sewing room and fight over who was going to be Tia Janie, Tia Fela and Tia Naomi Tia Licha & Tia Esther... The picture some one took of us playing with the purses out of grandmas closet!! And all the fun we had growing up whenever Tio Meme & Tia Hela (Becky's Parents) came from Arizona!! We were sure we were in for a good time with them here.

Reading her comment; ITS ME BECKY FROM ARIZONA just took me back and as tears filled my eyes, I could even smell grandmas kitchen, hear her & Tia Hela talking as they cooked! AND ALL OF US KIDS running in and out of the kitchen til grandpa caught us and quickly put a stop to it!!!

I just have to say THANKS DINA!!! my heart is so uplifted to have heard from Becky - to know a part of grandma somehow reached me today! Thanks to YOU!! You have taken the life of my precious little baby and shared how important I feel his life is and passed it on to very important people in our life's!! There is nothing like hearing from family as we travel down this path set before us!
the gratitude in our hearts is beyond words :) you have all blessed & encouraged us with your prayers and comments!!!!


I woke up on and off all night last night. I kept dreaming about Elijah. Horrible dreams like he was born and I couldn't find him, We were having the funeral and I had no clue where he was, I was driving and driving looking for Elijah all over. (for those who don't know we live in an agricultural valley so from town to town we are surrounded by orchards and vineyards) so in this dream I was driving through vineyards and orchards looking for Elijah. I tried to stay off the computer early this morning because I thought maybe blogging would make me feel more raw. We've been up with Josiah since 6:45a.m and here it is 10:45 and I couldn't take it any more... I told Steve about my dreams. It just doesn't help. I guess I shouldn't expect anything can help. NOT ONLY AM I FEELING HEAVY HEARTED I FEEL SO SUPER SUPER GRUMPY okay I'll be honest I feel grouchy okay not honest enough I am so angry this morning!!!! EVERYTHING IS SO FRUSTRATING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to wake up from this so bad! I WANT TO STOP THIS CRAZY RIDE! I WANT TO STOP FEELING HOW I FEEL! i wish i could be normal again. normal? what is normal?

Yesterday at the doctors office there was so many precious baby's in car seats and I couldn't help but look at their little heads. THEY WERE CLOSED!! WOW! how amazing heads with no brain hanging out!!! their mommy's could actually hold them and switch them from one arm to the other. burp them. play with them by bouncing them up & down. all the things I took for granted with josiah. I had josiah and brought him home and even though it was during the busy holiday season we took him to my sisters for family gathering and everyone held him. everyone looked at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his ears, his tiny feet, his fingers but not once did I ever think WOW his head closed properly and his brain is inside of his head.
One lady asked me what I was having and I told her a boy. She said, "oh so you need to try for a girl next" I just smiled and said nothing. I had nothing to say. Then another woman with a tiny baby asked, "when are you having your baby?" I said, "in 2 months" her reply was a very normal one, she said, "OH ITS ALMOST OVER!!" those words just kept ringing over and over and over in my head and tearing my heart into a tiny billion pieces. Elijah has been so active yesterday and today and every time he moves I can't help but think "ITS ALMOST OVER" it hurts to hear those words. I know she knew nothing of what I am going through and it is very normal to tell a very pregnant lady "its almost over" but for normal pregnant ladies it isn't ALMOST OVER like for me for them it is almost over and just about to begin. For me I don't even know if i will get to hear my son cry, if I will get to give him a binki, if i will get to bathe him, if i will get to change his first diaper... ... ... ... ... ...

11:47a.m ... ... ... I 'm back I stopped for a good cry Steve came over and held me. Josiah came over and saw me crying with daddy and he ran to get his blankie and jumped into my lap and said, "feel better now mommy! feel better now." I held him and told him I was just sad because I'm going to miss Elijah and he said, "no mommy" no he jumped off my lap and took my hand tightly in his and said, "mere mommy, mere I hold you feel better now" so I went to the couch with my little man and let him hold me till he fell asleep . sweet guy!!

We are going to let Josiah sleep for a little since he's sick and then at 1:00 we have an appointment about what WE ARE PRAYING ABOUT. I'm not really in the mood but Steve says I need to get out. I feel so bad whenever I break down like this because he just wants so bad to "fix it" for me and he can't. It tears me apart to see the look in his face when he has nothing to say and just holds me and says, "its going to be okay" right now he just went outside to clean out the car so we can get going, as he walked out the front door he said, babe it's a very nice day, I'm going to leave the door open for you okay" He tries so hard to make me feel better I wish I could feel better!!!
I better go get dressed