Sunday, November 16, 2008

See Josiah On Worship Team

Here is a picture of Joisah. Pastor says he is almost certain our church has the youngest guitar player in any church!! l.o.l
He is standing right under the spot light so you can barely see the guitar and can't see he is wearing a tie! He has a pick too and his guitar even has a homemade strap on it :)
He sings his little heart out!!!
On another-some what, sad note: I attended my very first funeral since Elijah died. It was my nephew Isaiah's grandma. She passed away. We drove all the way to Corcoran (a long 1 hour drive). Jonathan was with us- we talked all the way over there & read some bible verses. Steve stayed home with 'Si & just me & Jonathan went with mom. I had not even realized that I was going to a funeral for the first time since 'Lijah. (no clue I would feel so emotionally fragile).
I got to the tiny church, so packed with people. It was standing room only & people were still spilling out into the church yard. Today it was 78 degrees (crazy weather). Kids whining & crying all over the place and they were hot too; made me thank God 'Si didn't have to go through that.
I saw my nephew (8yrs. old) and he came and hugged me & mom. Then went with his daddy (Jonathan). The service started. I am not sure what all contributed to my emotional whirlwind going on inside of me that made me nauseous & shaky but I noticed I was staring at the flowers all around the casket and then started picturing 'Lijah's tiny casket. Grandma Carol's casket was white, just like 'Lijah's except much larger. I tried hard to shake myself out of this whirlwind.
I was sitting right by a side exit door. I kept wishing I could run out but for some reason it was as though I was paralyzed by something. Over & over I kept thinking "breath, get up & just walk out". I even thought of Susie, Kristy & Karen (women I have come to look to, in admiration for their strength to keep ministering through their grief). I thought about a blog entry from Susie; where she once wrote about how she would excuse herself from church services right after Joshua went to heaven. I kept telling myself, "EXCUSE YOURSELF! EXCUSE YOURSELF - THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE, JUST EXCUSE YOURSELF" but I couldn't move.
Finally the service was over and Jonathan motioned to me to lets go - I was more than ready.
We went up to say bye to Isaiah, his mom, uncles & grandpa. IT WAS HARD!
I hugged Isaiah and as I squatted down to tell him I was sorry that he was going to miss his grandma Carol. He looked at me and said, "Tia now, she is with your baby huh?!"(it was more of a statement but still had a sense of question to it). I squeezed his little shoulders and looked into his precious big eyes. With all the courage & strength within me I managed to half smile while fighting back tears. I just nodded and barely spoke out, "yeah!" making sure that I was smiling! I held him and told him I loved him and he said, "me too Tia, thank you"
Needless to say, I will not be attending tomorrow's burial services. I just don't feel strong enough to go. I told mom tonight and she really understood. Ugggh! I just wish I was strong enough to minister love & compassion to others in grief - I just can't seem to get there though!