Friday, May 29, 2009


Thanks for helping me pray. $2.00 more per hour!
have a great weekend:)


1st of all thanks for all the prayers... I should know something by 5:00 p.m tonight.
Ali & Lyndsay thanks so much for your comments ( i looked around to see if I could find your blogs or emails but didn't find them but if you wouldn't mind emailing me I would love to write to you) - I am amazed how uplifting an email or a comment can be :) again thanks!

So last night, after Maddies last spring Concert in her "elementry school" (she is growing up so fast) just out of the beautiful hot sunny 98 degree California weather our Lord decides to send a 'crazy' but BEAUTIFUL thunder, lightning, rain, wind & even hail in some parts storm our way.

for California this is CRAZY!!! It was hot! & raining!!! who's ever heard of that becides all you Texan's :) (Bernice & your gang, Jen & your gang) that NEVER happens here! NEVER!!

So one minute we are cooling off drinking iced tea sitting in front of our swamp cooler and the next minute there is lightning lighting up the entire sky & the sounds of GIANT thunder ripping through the quiet night.

Steve, Josiah & I went outside and watched. The rain hadn't started comming down yet. We were standing in the middle of our front yard for about 15 minutes watching the sky when Josiah yells out with the BIGGEST SMILE on his precious, innocent, pure face; "OH, MOMMA JESUS & 'LIJAH ARE TAKING PICTURES OF US!!!!"
Steve & I smiled at eachother as we tried to hold back our tears while we smiled back at Josiah as I managed to say, "yup" through the huge lump in my throat. Steve looked into Josiah's eyes and said, "Yes baby boy & do you hear God talking to us?" Josiah nodded no. Steve said, "listen" pointing up to the sky as the thunder rolled. Josiah lookedup and again smiled as huge as his little face could smile and he began to jump up & down yelling, "I hear him! I hear him.. I can hear God's voice!!! EVERYONE HERE GOD!!"

The rain drops began to fall slowly and gently at first then they turned steady and much harder. Josiah didn't know how to react (in California you never walk in the rain cause its ALWAYS COLD whenever it's raining) at frst he squeeled then I began to twirl in circle and sing in the rain and he fell right in step!! We all danced in the rain for a good 7 minutes before we were all drenched. Steve was the first one to run up under our porch then 'Si & I followed. We sat on the steps of our porch & continued to watch the lightning and the rain. We were singing worship songs that mentioned lightning and thunder and I don't know the name of that song that says,
" you speak through thunder & lightning your voice shakes the mountains, foundations of the earth..." something like that... but thats what we kept singing over and over. After a while we were just quietly sitting on the porch steps when Josiah says, " mommy I just love when Jesus brings us the storms... and because I love to love you in the storms! Momma do you love the storms!?"
"Yes, baby I love the storms." "Momma Jesus sends us the storms to talk to us huh, momma and to take pictures of us and to tell us that he loves us huh momma?" I sighed deeply and said, "Yes, Josiah you are right - God talks to us in the storms".
Then he stands up on the bottom step and looks up into the night sky and says "Oh 'Lijah baby I wish you could come down now - after the rain, some time I will go up okay, 'Lijah 'Lij''

After a good while we managed to peal Josiah off the steps and convinced him we could watch the lightning from inside and then Steve cohersed him by telling him to come in and call Grandma to tell her it was "storming".

He spent the next 30 minutes calling my mom & Beht and wanting to call every one from church to tell them, "you better go outside for God & 'Lijah can take your picture, else he not gonna take your picture".

Finally at around 9:45 his eyes had grown so tired & sleepy he said, "momma can we please tell Jesus to turn off the light now & Tell 'Lijah & God I wanna go to sleep so please take pictures later." "okay baby" I said just close your eyes and "they will be finished in a minute".
he said,
"good night momma, good night daddy I love you in the storms"
good night 'Lijah thanks for you take my picture"
(he was sleeping on a bed roll (pallette- he calls them) o the floor of our room," because it was so "exciting" that Jesus brought us a storm"

but at least now we know "WE GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN" so next time you see lightning remember to get your picture taken :)

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Josiah & I usually say prayers and spend time worshipping as we drive- looking at the Mountains, on our way to work and school.

Yesturday Josiah said, "Holy Spirit fill us up with some more presenTs; because I don't have any and I need bob builder and daddy needs a job and mommy wants alot of pieces"

He has heard Steve & I pray, 'Holy Spirit Fill us with your presence' & I always ask God to give me peace.

So this morning we are driving to work quietly, when all of the sudden Josiah starts to sing (his version of Father's house (i think thats what the song is called):
'come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
Come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
It's a BIG, BIG House with lots & lots of brooms!
A BIG, BIG table with lots & lots of food
A BIG BIG yard where we will play foot ball!!
Come and Go with me- To my 'Lijah's house!!!

then he says, "momma I just cant wait to go to our 'Lijah's housse in heaven with Jesus!"
I said, "I know sweetie me too, I can't wait"
He says, "I think *Grandma Alvarez should stop waiting, cause her can have alot of brooms in heaven and play foot ball with 'Lijah"

* Grandma Alvarez is Ben's mom & She is heaven bound and can't hardley wait to cross those pearly gates into the arms of Jesus & see her life long sweet heart who awaits her. She is over 80 ... I think, something like that. (please pray for her too - she is so tired & ready to go).

Ever since last Friday when we went to go see Grandma Alvarez. He wakes up every morning and the first thing he asks is, "IS GRANDMA ALVAREZ DYING FOR HEAVEN YET?" meaning has she gone to heaven yet.

Isn't it funny how real life and death has become to our kids whenever they have had to say good bye to a sibling at such a young age.

His version of prayers and songs is just too funny!!!

So now for my "special" prayer request:
I shared with you that I am working and that 30 days after I started working I was gonna get a raise - well this week is my 30 days and I am asking God for his Favor and Blessings, And continued provisions. That he would touch my bosses heart, casue I need a few more dollars than was agreed to. I believe I have exceeded their expectations and I know this work is worth what I need so PLEASE AGREE WITH ME IN PRAYER, that The Lord would move in his heart on my behalf.

Monday, May 18, 2009


I am finding it so hard to believe that old saying, "time heals all wounds".
I am missing my baby boy so much! It is just so crazy how often I think of him and how much we acctually MISS him being with us. Like this past Sunday at our church pic-nic. It may not have been noticeable to any one but Steve & I were just aching for our baby boy to have been with us.

We find ourselves thinking so much of him and not knowing exactly what to do with the VOID in our hearts and lives as we try to keep moving forward; yet our hearts are still clinging to those 25 and a half very precious hours.

I want him here with us. I want to know what it would be like juggling 2 boys & not just my 1.
I want to feel his weighty chunky body in my arms as drool spills from his mouth becasue he is teething.

Holding Moriah & watching her grow everyday and see all the milestones she is experiencing just cuts like a knife. I love Moriah, don't get me wrong but holding her and watching her just makes me think all the more of how busy we would be with a 7 month old and a 10 month old at grandmas house.

We were there Saturday morning for b-fast. All of us & our families. After b-fast we all sat on the front lawn and enjoyed the morning, watching Moriah jump in her jumper and the expressions she was making as her bare feet touched the grass/dirt for the very first time...

Missing & longing for him doesn't even do my feelings justice.

I don't ever think I will be able to put those feelings into words.

I so, wanted him here - not in heaven! I mean I am glad he is there becasue I know I have the hope of 'someday' BUT WHY?
why couldn't my son be like the others who are meant to be loved from here - together - watching them grow rather than just a painful vivid loving memory that stings as it soothes.

Time... it has gone by so quickly that people see us & can't see the pain.
It goes by so slowly that every breath I take reminds me I am still not there yet.

I loved to love you.
I loved to hear you.
I loved to hold you.
I loved to watch you.

I love to think of you.
I love to miss you.
I love to love you still!

Friday, May 8, 2009


My 'Lijah Lij
sweet baby boy.
your warm cheeks.
the feel of your "SMART head" nestled in my arms.
Oh my baby I love you so much!
I only wish I knew WHY?!?!?
I miss you! & I will be thinking of you this mothers day. I was hoping that they would have remembered about you for our annual church video but Joshy said they already made it.
BUT Daddy & I will be thinking of you as always. YOU ARE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER!
see you some day soon my sweet baby boy.
Thank You for being my brave boy! Thank you for all those kicks and pats. I will NEVER forget you

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I had a hard time sleeping last night. I just miss Elijah. It was about 1 a.m and I was wide awake. I was trying to imagine how his sleeping pattern would be, He would be pulling himself up on furniture and my house would be filled with all his toys!

My heart just aches with pain. I can't seem to understand, and I know I never will.

My dad came over to visit on Saturday. He was looking at 'Lijah's wall, he began to smile and talk baby talk. (like he would have & how he did with 'Siah).

I miss my baby. This sunday is going to be SO VERY HARD! Last year, I remember telling Steve that at least I could feel him kicking and moving as we sang worship songs at church.

There was this lady that sold personalized jewelry. We were gonna order me a necklace and or a bracelet with several of Elijah's pictures (especially his "SMART BOY"one). But thats when things had started getting worse financially and we never ordered it. I kept telling myself that soon we would get on our feet financially, and I would get to order it.

I hadn't realized how much I want it, til this morning when I was driving to take 'Siah to school and I heard a song on the radio.

Tears just rolled down my face and I remember that song playing when I was browsing through that ladies web page.

I just wanted to have something of his on me for mothers day. I think I might go to the cemetary on Sunday.

I know I am not the only mom hurting this mothers day.
and it makes me so sad! to think of all the hardships that come with life.

I feel like everyone around us has already forgotten. I know they haven't but it is just so sad that no one hardley ever mentions him at all.

Steve & I never stop thinking of our sweet baby.

I miss hearing his grunty little muffled cry. I miss feeling his warm soft face and his velvety soft "smart boy bubble"

Monday, May 4, 2009




he always has been pretty straight & to the point l.o.l :)


Friday, May 1, 2009


I just got off the phone with a business call in Austin TX :)


And the funny thing is she said I sounded Californian :)
what does Californian sound like?!?!?

I can sure pick up on a Texan accent but what does CALIFORNIA accent sound like? I have no clue.

Especially all YOU TEXANS!!!!! l.o.l

Kayla will be home this weekend and we are planning on working on our garden and MABEY walking into towm to get a corn dog at the annual town carnival :)