(nothing as awful as what we have already lost) But when you've been losing and losing and the answer continues and continues to be no & yet knowing HE has a plan, but you just don't see it... UGGgggHHHH!!! I just wanna scream!! I got the call from the interview; I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UuuuuuuugggGGgggGgggggggggHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
I KNOW - GOD!
I KNOW.
BUT THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS DOESN'T JUST FALL ONTO OUR PORCH!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
BILLS
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
OH MY GOODNESS!!! HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
NEVER MIND!!
I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)
Monday, September 29, 2008
ROLLER COASTER DAY
Well the day started out quite well. I was up way before the kids and enjoyed some "alone"" time with Jesus!! Steve & I got to have a nice quiet time together. We got the kids off to school and Steve & I had a "secret" plan to go to Michael's craft store this morning... (we had not mentioned it to anyone because some how if you tell people things just don't turn out). Elijah's 3 month heaven day is just around the corner and we were getting pretty anxious to get some new stuff for our "Garden Of Hope" (Elijah's Memorial Garden - In Our Back Yard). Also needing some new stuff for the cemetery. So off we went to Michael's. At times we were together and at times we'd wander off to our own area of the store. [I MUST ADMIT IT SURE WAS NICE TO SHOP LEISURELY WITHOUT KIDS]
So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"
My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.
As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.
I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.
We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.
So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS
We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.
I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)
Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.
Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~
So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"
My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.
As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.
I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.
We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.
So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS
We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.
I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)
Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.
Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~
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