Friday, October 24, 2008

THE BUBBLE & blessed assurance

Today was a busy day with various appointments and picking up Kayla. We were blessed and able to do a little bit of much needed clothes shopping! WE HAD A GREAT AFTER-NOON!!

~praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name, for he has done great things; bless His holy name!!

We decided Steve would stay home with the kids and I would go alone to see Beth. It was a nice quiet drive.

We sat together and talked and laughed and I had lots of cuddles with Moriah :~)

About an hour and a half went by and Ben & Minn came in we talked and laughed some more!

SUDDENLY... ... .... .... .... ...
I started feeling my emotions begin to race and then a numbness quickly sealed me away from myself - like a bubble surrounded me. Although I was hearing what was being said, I was far away, secluded from my true feelings. I heard Ben telling Moriah beautiful thing and watched [them] all. I say them because I felt like a stranger, like I was at a far distant place(emotionally).
I looked at the clock - it was 7:45p.m (visiting hours end @ 8). I stood up hugged Beth, said bye to Moriah, kissing her on her little head, hugged Tony, Ben & Minn. They were all oblivious as to my [protective bubble]. I walked out into the waiting room to sit by mom. My bubble was slowly diminishing. I needed mom. I needed her touch. I sat next to her but she too was oblivious as to my bubble - she kept right on playing a game with Maddie, who had been alone in the waiting room, so mom was spending time with her.

Ben came out a few minutes later and mom started walking toward the doorway. I stood up looked one more time at mom and said goodnight mom-love you! She said love you too!

I turned and walked out of the hospital down the pathway to the parking lot, got into my car and as soon as I drove out of the parking lot, my bubble bursted...

I broke into the loudest whaling crying I have ever cried in my whole entire life. I have never cried from so very deep within. I was not angry. I was just in so much pain - missing my baby boy. I cried out to God in the loudest voice ever and told Him I loved Him & trusted Him. I quoted scripture over my life. I worshipped Him for EVERY BLESSING HE POURS OUT!! I blessed His name For His excellent ways. I called out to THE GOD MOST HIGH - SAVE ME. I called out for THE COMFORTER TO HOLD ME AND SHELTER ME. I told The Lord that I WANTED my life and the life & death of Elijah and the way we walk this path set before us to BE ALL ABOUT BRINGING HONOR & GLORY TO HIM. Because He is a GOOD & JUST GOD, WORTHY OF OUR HIGHEST PRAISE. I CRIED OUT THE PSALM THAT SAYS: WHY SO DOWN CAST OH MY SOUL? PUT YOUR HOPE IN GOD!!! I drove past the 14 mile drive home took a very long route home. I was praying the kids would be asleep - I needed Steve to my self. I knew it was to early & that they would still be up because it's Friday. I was crying out so bad I just couldn't let the kids see me like this.
I drove up the drive way (no longer sobbing) and when I got off the car Steve met me at the gate. He took one look at my make up all over my face and my swollen eyes and he just held me so tight!!!
The Kids were awake but watching a movie. Josiah tried to come out but Kayla saw daddy holding me & immediately took Josiah by the hand saying, "come on brother!!!" (in and excited inviting voice) I just love my sweet big girl!!
Steve & I stayed on our porch holding each other and weeping.

We came in and sat together in the living room and talked about the shopping part of the day.
Great way to end a beautiful day.

I am grateful for EVERY BLESSING we have been given!!!!!! I BLESS THE LORD AND KNOW HE WILL OVERFLOW HIS BLESSINGS 100 x 100 for EVERY Blessing bestowed upon us. THE BIBLE SAYS SO!! HE IS FAITHFUL TO HIS PROMISES!!!