Tuesday, September 30, 2008


  1. The Word Of God
  2. God's Mercy
  3. His Love
  4. Being His daughter
  5. His comfort
  6. His strength
  7. My wonderful gift from God; My hubby
  8. Being a Mom
  9. Being a wife
  10. Having a mom
  11. Having sisters
  12. Having brothers
  13. For Food to Eat
  14. For Time to snuggle at nap time with Josiah
  15. For God reminding me of ALL HE has blessed me with
  16. For the love of a beautiful daughter (Kayla)
  17. For having 5 wonderful nephews
  18. For My Salvation & Daily walk with Jesus Christ
  19. For the ladies ("my girls") @ Tuesday Night Prayer
  20. For my church family
  21. For my blog family :)
  22. For the privilege of giving birth to two precious boys! (Josiah & Elijah)
  23. For the heartbreaking trials in life that make me love Jesus more!
  24. For ears with which I can hear my Josiah sing worship (gotta post a video of that..)
  25. For Love
  26. For Forgiveness
  27. For EVERY BUMP IN THE ROAD; because I walk closer to God
  28. For falling; because He lifts me up
  29. For Hope that never dies!
  31. For memories; treasured memories
  32. For blessings which I cannot see!
  33. For FAITH
  35. For Rest
  36. For all the love that surrounds me
  37. Because I held Elijah for 25 hours and 30 minutes
  38. Because I heard him grunt a few cries
  39. Because I can still close my eyes and remember his soft warm skin against my face.
  40. For Living in This beautiful country
  41. Because "WE ARE NOT HOME YET"; I can only imagine...
  42. Elijah, Josiah, Kayla & Steve

I'M SO SORRY (Please Forgive My Behavior)

I need to Apologize for my tantrum on the last post. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL SUPPORT TO ME. I just let everything overwhelm me. BUT YOU, my blog land family have been so wonderful and supportive to me. I'm SO SORRY FOR THE LITTLE OUTBURST... I know EVERYONE is in financial situations and that i'm not the only one going through stresses of life. Not getting a job is so trivial. I hope you all forgive me.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Another low on the Roller Coaster Ride...

(nothing as awful as what we have already lost) But when you've been losing and losing and the answer continues and continues to be no & yet knowing HE has a plan, but you just don't see it... UGGgggHHHH!!! I just wanna scream!! I got the call from the interview; I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UuuuuuuugggGGgggGgggggggggHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)


Well the day started out quite well. I was up way before the kids and enjoyed some "alone"" time with Jesus!! Steve & I got to have a nice quiet time together. We got the kids off to school and Steve & I had a "secret" plan to go to Michael's craft store this morning... (we had not mentioned it to anyone because some how if you tell people things just don't turn out). Elijah's 3 month heaven day is just around the corner and we were getting pretty anxious to get some new stuff for our "Garden Of Hope" (Elijah's Memorial Garden - In Our Back Yard). Also needing some new stuff for the cemetery. So off we went to Michael's. At times we were together and at times we'd wander off to our own area of the store. [I MUST ADMIT IT SURE WAS NICE TO SHOP LEISURELY WITHOUT KIDS]

So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"

My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.

As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.

I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.

We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.

So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS

We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.

I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)

Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.

Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Well Steve decided he & Josiah needed some "guy time" today. So even though Kayla & I tried pouting in the way home from church this morning and I tried convincing him of "family time" he drove into our driveway to drop us off. As Kayla & I got off the car very quiet, Josiah & Daddy were chanting "BOYS!... BOYS!... BOYS!" Josiah had the biggest smile. Daddy & him were going to a wholesale tool store(he's not even 3 yet & already he loves tools!). Kayla & I tried one last attempt at throwing a big pouty face as they drove out onto the street... are you kidding they were cheering so loud they didn't even notice our faces.

Kayla & I came into the house and changed into our "comfies" & got started on lunch (carne asda burritos). After chopping the lettuce, tomatoes & shredding the cheese I asked Kayla to pick out her clothes from the laundry baskets in the living room. I told her to take hers & her brothers out and fold them. I was in the kitchen cooking the meat and could here her singing her little heart out! After a while I noticed she wasn't singing and was too quiet (even for a 10 yr. old). I walk over to take a peak and she was tyring on one of my *nighties* from the baskets. For a split second I thought of calling her name then realized I would startle her. I went back to cooking the meat, about 7 minutes later the house phone rang. She squealed out "I GOT IT!!" then said, "MOM, IT'S DADDY" (in a very high pitch tone). I came to the phone and spoke with Steve for about 1 minute and as soon as I hung up the phone she asked, "WHAT? WHAT MOM WHAT DID DADDY WANT?" I told her that Josiah had fallen asleep as soon as they got to the freeway and that they were turning back. She ran into the living room and said, "I better hurry with the clothes". Not even 10 seconds later she comes into the kitchen squealing,"momma I better put this (my *nightie*) in your drawer - daddy's almost coming and how embarrassing, if he saw it!" (I almost think she was blushing). "Okay sweetie" , I replied and she darted out of the kitchen saying, "your welcome mom - you would have been embarrassed huh?"
That was too cute her sweet innocense and just as she walked out of my bedroom, Steve walked in with Josiah over his shoulder fast asleep... ... ... so much for a boy's trip to the tool store!!!


Saturday, September 27, 2008

Anxiety & Panic ... ... ... IS IT NORMAL?

I have been fighting these overwhelming surges of anxiety. They come just all of the sudden without warning. It will hit me just like that - even when it seems like a good day. I even experience them while with people like "us" at home, at church or church functions. It is so weird. I can't explain it exactly but it feels like way deep in the middle of my chest like I can't breath. REAL, REAL BAD!!! I try to not think of the feelings or to focus on them(feelings) to much I try hard to think of something else, but I just can't stop the feeling.

Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".

ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...

The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.

I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do

Thursday, September 25, 2008


Just now as we were tucking Josiah into bed. After daddy had walked out of the room; I was getting dirty clothes out of his closet for laundry. Steve had once again - like EVERY other night been the hero and found "monie"(binki) for bed time. (Yes! "monie" is still around only now that Josiah is a BIG boy for preschool and goes pee-pee in the toilet like BIG boys, "monie" is just there for night -night. CUZ BIG BOY'S 'like cool cousin Roque' DON'T HAVE "monie's")
So every night even though "monie is supposed to stay on his pillow & wait for him! Some how as Josiah pulls down his comforter to jump into bed or sometime after bath time between prayers and lights out "monie" get's lost ALMOST every night! BUT thanks to "Daddy" bedtime is saved cuz "monie" is found and tucked in with Josiah!
So tonight when Steve walked out of the room I said, "Josiah, who has the best daddy?" Josiah replies in a very confident matter- of -fact[loud] voice, "ME!" and just as I took my first step out of his room he pulls "monie" out of his mouth and procliams [even louder] "HIM MY BEST FRIEND, MOMMY!!" I looked back at my baby boy, smiled at him and said, "Yes, baby daddy is your best friend!" Daddy calls from the dining table, "your my best friend too!" Josiah pulls out "monie once more and says,[in a sleepy quiet voice] "forever!"
i thank You Lord for moments like these!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Special Gifts...

This past weekend we were surprised with a special gift from some very dear friends. People who I grew up with in church and who mentored my christian walk as a young lady. We no longer attend church together however they still remain very dear to my heart. We do not keep in close contact any more like we used to but they knew of Elijah's condition and had been in contact with me through email, offering prayers of comfort and strength as we went through our pregnancy hoping God would change the outcome of Elijah's condition. When Elijah went home to be with Jesus I thought of Rosa & Don"Chano" while I was at the hospital but with my whirlwind of emotions didn't have the strength or emotional energy to call them. They were at Elijah's " life celebration services" and I can't say that I was surprised. I knew I could count on them to be there; faithful friends! (their 2 sons and families also came). It was such a gift of comfort to have them there at such a time in my life.

Well this past weekend my phone rang... a number I did not recognize appeared. I answered and the person on the other end of the line was Don "chano" although it took me a few seconds to recognize his voice, after a few wise cracks(as usual) I knew who he was!
He was calling to tell me that they were in town and had something special I would be very interested in seeing. I gave them directions to our house and within just a few minutes they were here!! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!!!

That wasn't the best part when Rosa & Chano walked in he held a fairly large envelope in his hand and when we asked them to take a seat, he said, "you might want to stand while you open this" for a tiny little bitty second I got scared it was something to do with the "funeral home incident"(blogged days past) BUT IT WASN'T... ... To our surprise he opened the envelope with such tenderness and care and there it was - A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF ART!!! He had a picture of Elijah professionally drawn for us!!! Oh what a treasure!!!!!

Steve and I were practically speechless! I hugged them both - several times I think!!!

It was such a precious and priceless gift; not only the portrait of Elijah but the fact that our baby is not forgotten!!

We are so blessed to have such treasures in the friendships Christ has given us!!!
I encourage you today to reach out to tell someone the gift they are in your life!!! & I will do the same :)

Monday, September 22, 2008


I am not sure exactly what to say, what to do or how other daddy's handle this sort of loss. It is so different than us women. We "blog" we reach out. We talk, cry, express. Steve, like I mentioned before has been suffering insomnia- well now he seems to be sleeping a little tiny bit more. I think I forgot to mention that he hurt his back at work. He is home on disability (just what a man needs right? time on his hands/ too much I think - well actually I don't know for sure but I know that now on top of all this stuff we have been going through struggling just to live, pay bills and move forward for our kids and for each other too. Him being at home makes me wonder? is it too much time to think of what we need, of what we lost, what we don't have and all that stuff. I mean there is stuff that has happened like the funeral home incident and about three other major stresses in our life since we said goodbye to our baby. IT HAS TO BE WEIGHING DOWN ON HIM!! IT JUST HAS TO BE!!! He is always so strong for ME, always considerate of my feelings. Sunday afternoon he came home and rested for the entire after noon and when it came time to go to evening service he had a terrible earache and stayed home. We got home and he tucked the kids into bed with me. We even read to them all together. This morning we took Kayla to school then drove back and took Josiah. When we got home Steve told me that last night when he stayed home he read the blog - he said he just broke into tears. HE told me how much he misses Elijah and how often he thinks of him. We held each other and I was strong for him. I told him I was glad that he shared his feelings with me. He told me he doesn't want to make it harder for me because he knows our loss is the same but deeper because I carried Elijah. I think he was afraid I was not going to understand what he was telling me because he kept trying to explain it... BUT I DO GET IT! I just feel so helpless for him. HE is so stressed with our finances!!! PLEASE just help me pray for him to LEAN ON JESUS. Well I know he is because whenever he is up in the middle of the night he is either reading his bible, writing or on the computer and I was looking in the recycle bin for a picture I thought I had tossed and found all sorts of CHRISTIAN OUTREACH & GROWTH SERIES SIGHTS AND other readings like that. When i saw that just now tears just rolled down my face. Steve is such a wonderful man. Since he came to the Lord he has basically lost all his old friends and right now to be quite frank he hasn't really build strong new ones! I mean there are a few men at church - but not real strong connections so I guess that's why it just broke my heart to see him seeking growth and strength on his own. PLEASE JUST HELP ME PRAY FOR MY SWEETIE!! and for me to get this job too also if Steve is released back to work he is going to apply for a job in town working early mornings which is just what we need for our schedule as a family. GOD knows ALL just help us in praying for us to get through this tough time right now!!! I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!!! & I TRUST GOD IS ABLE!! HE KNOWS BEST!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Kayla "blogging for 1st time!"

hellow everybody i'm elijah's sister yesterday we pianted a the trolly well... today we built it and then grandma made lunch..mmmmm it was so good i ate 3 plates of rice and then i got fool we had sooo much fun

ITS ME MADDIE "having fun"

hi every one i am elijahs cousin

today me and kayla finished the trolly ......BUT josiah fell and ripd it but it was fun!

MORE PICTURES "Relaxing Saturday"

It's a nice relaxing Saturday

We have been having a yard-sale all weekend (since Thursday). Steve & my mom just love getting together to yardsale!! Me not so much... BUT THEM OH MY GOODNESS LIKE TWO KIDS IN A CANDY STORE!!!
We have been having glorious california coastal weather!! gotta love it! It is fresh and breezy. Living in the Central San Joauquin Valley(3 hours away from the coast) we don't always get this fresh treat but this is just so lovely!!! We are enjoying it to the fullest!!! Here are some pictures of the kids. Last night was the sleep over. All 3 of them played together building a cardboard trolly(their own invention) they painted (yeah a 2 year old and 2 10 year olds alone with multi-color tempra paint) they created a "beautiful masterpiece" oh and the cardboard trolly came out really good too!!!! My bathroom got re-painted too!!! YUP! MY BATHROOM!! They all 3 went into the bathroom to "CLEAN UP" before dinner and thus - my re-painted bathroom sink, cabinets, oh and did I mention I got a fresh coat of "tempra" floor covering?!?!?! YUP!! and just think ladies all that and it did'nt cost me a red cent!!! Hee! Hee! Hee! (whats really crazy is that I didn't lose it when I walked into the bathroom to see my remodel!!!) THEY had a great time and thats whats important.

Friday, September 19, 2008


Well It's Friday!!! YIPPY!!! Steve is on his way back from picking up Kayla for the weekend :) can't wait... I missed her!!! she does'nt know that I rearranged her room and put in a new throw rug for her!!! She also has no clue that her daddy is stopping by uncle Ben's to bring Maddie over for a sleep over!!! Josiah is still napping.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

2 year old - Too Funny !!!!!

Just got back from bible study.... .... Can't go to bed with out blogging this hilarious little story!!!
i hope you can appreciate the humor and not find it offensive -
church is dismissed and Josiah runs out of class and jumps straight into daddy's arms. They walk straight to the punch container to "need a drink", Josiah says. I'm standing there and Teacher Stacie pulls me close to her and asks (politely), "did you teach Josiah about labor?" "No", I said. and she whisperers trying to keep a straight face as she tells me, "oh because we were all playing ball in class and all of the sudden Josiah darts across the room and says ' I no feel good, I sick, non feel good' Stacie says I asked him whats wrong Josiah as he hops into the bouncer that's in the nursery and says, "my water broke!" Stacie asked him your what? and he said my water broke"
Stacie said she had to do all she could not to bust out laughing!!!

DID I MENTION THIS 2 YEAR OLD BOY WASN'T EVEN AT HOME WHEN MY WATER BROKE?!?!?!? him & Kayla were at Ben & Minn's for dinner (my family had decided that since it was so close to my due date they would give Steve & I an evening alone before Elijah was born and that is when my water broke. SO of course I called my sisters house to tell them it was "time" and they said they all started running around saying Marie's water broke, Marie's water broke!")

So even if he wasn't there with me to see it happen he heard of it and played it out!!!!! way too funny!!
Kinda embarrassing too!!!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

That is how we get through a day... IF it is a good day taking these steps is easy if it is a hard day then putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do to do what we do. It was so nice to here from Susie the other day :) I do get weird thoughts!!! I have a lot of panic and anxiety attacks. The anxiety is just awful! I have noticed I'm not as raging mad these days - It feels so good for the presence and peace of the Almighty God to be OUR SOURCE AND STRENGTH. Most of all it is good to feel His unwavering love and mercy - through it all!

I think I have mentioned before "I'M DESPERATELY looking for a job again!!!! PLEASE PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS TO PRAY FOR ME FOR OKAY!!! appreciate it and know God is able!!!

Josiah is napping right now. He is such a big boy!! he gets home from christian preschool and goes straight to his room and puts up his "piderman backpack" then walks into the bathroom and goes "peeps" (pee) like a big boy standing in front of the toilet TOO CUTE!! then he comes and sits on the couch or at the table and says"lets talk about it momma" I will say "okay, baby how was your day?" and usually his face is full of whatever they served at school as he looks at me and says, "I had a good day for being a big boy momma, I'm big like daddy!!"

Steve has been dealing with a bad case of insomnia (please pray). he hasn't been able to sleep for about 4-5 days. My mom is worried about him. Me too! I woke up at 3 this morning and found him writing in his journal, when he saw that I was awake he asked if I wanted to read what he was writing - It was about Elijah. About his thoughts that he was having the morning of Elijah's burial. He wrote about thoughts he had never shared with me... of how as he looked at Elijah in the white "special crib"(that's what we told Josiah it was called). His thought and feelings of how he would never see Elijah running or giggling. He wrote so many things he hadn't even expressed to me. He is really dealing with all the emotions now.

Right now Steve outside in our back yard. Working in Elijah's Memorial Garden. I'm gonna have to post some pictures of the beautiful bench my brother in law Ben made. He carved Elijah's name in it along with Elijah's verse for his head stone. Psalms 16:11. Ben is Elijah's nino (godparents) and my sister minerva is his nina! Last night Minerva told me that Maddie(her 10yr old) is having a hard time dealing with Elijah's death.... ...

Makes me worry for Kayla - If Maddie is dealing with this imagine Kayla & she isn't always here. I am so worried for her emotional well being - The week after we buried Elijah she left to her moms for two weeks when she came back the first thing she told Steve & I was that her mom told her she was not to ask questions about Elijah, talk about him, or ever even mention his name ever. She told us she was so angry that she started crying and yelling at her mom & the boyfriend and that she wanted to get out of the car so very bad! poor sweet girl. All we can do is pray!!!

Josiah is up from his nap now and outside working in "Lijah's fower garden" with daddy.
I am definitely going to post some of Elijah's "smart-boy" pictures. Except during the move our CD ROM got jammed shut and I cant open it so I'm gonna go to office max to transfer all his pictures from the CD to my flash drive. I will be posting them in the next day or so.

Until next time The Douglas family continues onward one step at a time!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Thanks & why am i so mad?????

Just gotta say thanks from the very depths of my heart! I have had so many great responses, which have encouraged me and enabled me to take a deep breath and in the moments that seem so heavily painful;that I can barely breath... I have managed to breath in a breath of fresh encouragement. I don't know how all this grief stuff works but I have already figured that there is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't have any particular order or way of happening. SO THAT, scares me something fierce - Like this anger I have been feeling... Whooah! boy was this so unexpected to me. I mean I keep telling myself, "Marie, YOU believe in GOD and YOU trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. YOU KNOW GOD HAS A REASON AND A PURPOSE FOR THIS". I tell my self that more than a million times a day! But it just doesn't take away the anger that I feel at this moment. The anger of not having my precious 8 week old baby boy! I AM MAD! I'm mad because 25 hours and 30 minutes was not enough time I wanted to bring him home! I know that this must sound so selfish to those of you Mommy's who didn't even get that and I'm so sorry for your heart break too! I'm just saying I feel like this is so unfair. I TOLD GOD TOO!!! I told Him last month. I told Him that my heart hurt so bad and that I didn't think it was fair to not have even let me bring my baby home, not even let me change his diaper. So many things I didn't get to do, like hold him in my right senses not heavily sedated by all the meds from the c-section. I guess I've never shared how stupid I was when Elijah was born... As soon as the doctors took him out. I heard nothing not a whimper not a cry not one single sound. I asked Steve if he was already dead and the doctor heard me and said, "No, he is alive". He called Steve over to him and still no sound. FINALLY the nurse and Steve walked over to me, my hands still tied down. The nurse placed Elijah on my chest and my tears rolled down my cheeks. He was breathing so, so very labored. A very tired faint grunt from deep within him. I began to talk to him. I asked him if he was tired, I asked him if it was hard for him to carry the weight of his big smart brain all by himself with no more water to carry the weight for him. I told him I was so proud of him for being my strong brave boy, for not leaving before I could kiss his sweet face. As the nurses rolled me out of the operating room down the hall and back into my room I kept talking to him. Telling him how many people were their waiting to meet him. How much I loved him. I could see how much he was struggling to take every breath and he was very blue. I cuddled him closer to my face and whispered into his ear, "When Jesus comes for you baby... you can go. I love you Lijah, I love you with all my heart baby, Daddy & I are so proud of you. I want you to stay with me here, BUT mommy knows you are tired baby and when Jesus comes for you, when he comes you can go okay baby?! I LOVE YOU".
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!

Monday, September 8, 2008


Tomorrow my sweet boy would have been 2 months old. I feel so very angry that I don't have him here with me and I know there is a purpose I know he is in a better place. I know I will see him again but all that I know doesn't change anything in my aching heart. I don't know where to begin...

Steve and I found out that the secretary at the funeral home in town took HER teenage son into the funeral home to GALK at my Precious sweet Elijah. We were told by the sons girlfriend that the funeral home secretary took the guy in to see WHAT A BIRTH DEFECTS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE DO DRUGS SMOKE AND DRINK!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY FURIOUS BEYOND WORDS!!!! they gave us very detailed information about Elijah's head so I know it has to have some truth to it!!! Ive been contacting attorneys and BBB I want so bad for this woman to know that what she did was so very wron on so many levels!!! I called the funeral home director and he said "My secretary screwd up" I AM SO FURIOUS MAD how dare them even talk about how my beautiful boy looked!!! it is none of their business to be talking about his body and how GOD chose to make him! That woman knew nothing of me or my life and I only met her for the first time the day I went with my two sisters to out on Elijah's shoes before the funeral!!! any ways I WISH HOPE AND PRAY THAT I GET DIRECTION AND CLOSURE FOR WHAT HAPPENED because that funeral home misconduct was JUST WRONG!!!! any ways thanks for still thinking of us I NEED TO TALK TO SOME OF YOU MOMMAS THAT HAVE BEEN WALKING THE ROAD LONG WITH SUFFERING!!! I MISS HIM SO BAD!!! IF ANY OF YOU MOMMAS have a chance to write me to my email it is stv.mre@gmail.com WRITE TO ME THERE AND WE CAN EXCHANGE ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBERS IF THAT IS OKAY!!! I NEED TO TALK TO A MOMMA THAT KNOWS MY PAIN BY EXPERIENCE NOT just some one who wants to understand I need to know if all my flood of emotions are normal or not!!!! PLEASE I KNOW I SEEM TO HAVE JUST DROPPED OF and did'nt keep you all up two date BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND KNOW THAT I NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS AND SUPPORT

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

When there is pain in the offering...

Today is September 3rd. ALMOST 2 months since our baby went home! WE ARE SO ACHIE and EMPTY. Ive been having dreams of babies and me crying and last night I dram we were in a church and a little boy dressed in a suit came up to me and gave me a book and told me that Elijah is okay. For some reason in my dream I was so angry because this little boy came and I was mad that I didn't have Elijah... WHO KNOWS WHAT OR DREAMS MEAN ?!?!?! wierd huh


thanks for all the comments and prayers which are so uplifting.