Friday, October 31, 2008

Treasure In Earthen Vessels

The Bible says, 'we have this treasure in earthen vessels... '
This verse quickly came to my mind this week, when while Josiah & I were eating our lunch with worship music playing in the background. In the middle of our conversation he began to sing along with the CD; "crucified, laid behind the stone. you lived to die rejected & alone like a rose trampled on the ground. You took the fall & thought of me above all"...

With a mouthful of food he looked at me and asked, "mommy what frusified mean?"

I looked at him and some what surprised, I answered, "means Jesus died!"
(why I thought that was the end of the conversation is besides me)
He replied, "Oh, hmm... why Jesus died?"
I paused for a quick second and answered, "because he loves us & paid for our sin"
(where the conversation went from here was a TOTAL SHOCK to me - I was blown away in more levels than I can explain)
He very seriously looked at me and asked, "Mommy what Lijah pay for, for him die?"
With the biggest knot in my throat and after a HUGE PAUSE... I answered, "nothing baby, Lijah didn't pay for nothing".
He tuned into the next song playing and began to hum it while finishing his lunch.
(Thank God!!! - Because my emotions were in a whirlwind).

I began to ponder that and many other profound questions Josiah has been asking me lately & how recently he has become so very extra clingy. I remembered one of the other questions he asked me about when will Lijah come back in my tummy & come home like Moriah.

Then it all began to make a little bit more sense (I think) Could it be that he is working through this death & grieving process just like all of us, but only in his own way?

I made a call to someone, for some counsel & reassurance as to how I was answering my sons questions. The answer I received was a bit surprising & hurtful. I was told that Steve & I were the problem & that Josiah was fine with where his brother is at. I was told that although I might be upset after this phone call; that they could imagine life with out their spouse or child(ren). I was told that they would be happy IF they had a two year old asking questions like this.
I was told that I need to start moving forward rather than, every month when "THAT" day comes around get all sad and stay home and stop doing normal activities(Which we So DO NOT DO!!!). I was told that we should imagine how parents of a three month old felt when their baby died tragically & unexpectedly!! I was told, "you knew this was happening & you were even able to dedicate your baby at the hospital. Imagine the pain of the parents of this three month old, that is hard - they lived life daily with that baby". My Lijah is still our baby. I do feel for ALL parents who suffer pain for their children. Age & time does not matter! Our pain hurts too! I mean, IF this person knew me & Steve to even just half the people we truly & really are. This person would know THE REAL US & WHAT WE REALLY DO from day to day. That we Love The Lord, Serve Him as best we can and Teach are children to Love the Lord! We are human & we hurt for the loss of our Lijah who lives in heaven. I see nothing wrong with thinking about our baby boy. In fact we do! We think of him in everything we do - even at church during worship service!

My family & I are moving forward! We are moving forward one step at a time and one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time!!!
is a huge difference from IMAGINING IT!!!

But I also realize that this person does not have very much personal knowledge of dealing with grief to the extent of loosing a child.
After working through my personal hurt, because I really look up to this person and see this person as a very wise person - I gave my hurt to the Lord and pray that He deal with this person in regards to how this person sometimes tends to be insensitive and although very wise in many ways also ignorant to a certain things and does not realize how hurtful such nonsense, careless words can wound an already broken heart.

We have treasures in earthen vessels... - I Praise The Lord for Who He is in my life! The strength & source of our families life!

I think if a person is approached for counsel & YOU are uncomfortable then it would be much wiser to say you are not comfortable or be courageous enough to say you do not know the answer to the question; Rather than loosely speaking just for the sake of saying something that has the power to kill.

I am so blessed that Jesus is my faihful friend Who KNOWS US FOR WHO WE ARE! The bible says he knows are commings & are goings. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
I bless His name for the treasure of my children!!! ALL OF THEM!! the ones in heaven(miscarriage+ Lijah) & my two here on earth!!! THOSE ARE TREASURES WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


First of all I am honored to share this recipe!!Second and Most importantly - You all need to know why we called my grandma Grandma Chicken. Her & My Grandpa had chickens & ducks. Grandpa once told a story that the chickens were Grandpas and the ducks were his. From then on everyone called him"Grandpa Pato" (duck) and called Grandma, "Grandma Chicken". MY MOMS PARENTS!Grandma Chickens Embueltos*Grandma NEVER used conventional measurements - she used her fingers and the palms of her hands & thats how mom & I cook too!! SO here it goesThings You will needA Large Skillet or Frying PanGround BeefCorn Tortillas1 Block Long Horn Yellow CheeseSaltPepperCooking Oil1-2 cans of tomatoe sauceCumin Powder [cheater version] * Grandma ground it fresh in her molcajete (hand rock grinder)Garlic powder[cheater version]*California Chile PowderWhite Onion chopped finely [ I never use onion I'm allergic Grandma always made a special batch for me & Tia Carmen without onion]All Purpose Flour or [Wondera Powder - I CHEAT SOMETIMES] Grandma NEVER cheated!!!STEPS
Shred cheese.
Warm up some cooking oil in a skillet (about a 1/4 cup) depending on how many you will make.
Dip each tortilla in skillet for about 30 seconds on each side - not letting them get hard.
When you take out each tortilla lay it on a paper towel covered plate - to drain greese.
The greese should have finished by now.
If not drain it out from skillet.
Place however much ground beef you will need 1 lb. feeds approx. 6 people [but I make mine real meaty plus I hardly ever cook small portions]
brown the meat
add salt, pepper, garlic cumin.
cook well, until meat is practically dry.
If small amount of oil remains in skillet tilt skillet to one side slightly in that small amount of oil add flour or wondera[2-3 tablespoons fry that till white substance turns light golden brown] If no oil left in pan pour about 1-2 tablespoons in and tilt and do the same as above.
immediately after browing flour pour in 1 can of tomatoe sauce
Quickly add 1 1/2 cups of hot water.
then pour in about 1-2 tablespoons of California Chile powder [new mexico chile is much to spicey and sometimes gives a bitter/sourish twist]
sample taste the sauce for consistancy & spices. (should NOT be too thick & NOT runny)
if it seems like it needs more water or spices add it now
turn flame to simmer
If sauce needs more thickness - take 1 cup of cold water and mix in about a spoonful of flour or wondera. Mix it very well, making sure you disolve ALL the lumps. Then pour that cup into the skillet.
Once sauce is just right turn off flame by now it should have simmered for about a good 15-20 minutes with everything added.
Take 1 tortilla at a time and dip it into skillet full of sauce & meat.
place tortilla on a plate, glass cassarole dish or cookie sheet[you can microwave or bake in oven *YOU CAN GUESS BY NOW WHICH I DO... the cheater version, Grandma didn't have microwaves!!!* YOU CAN PLACE ABOUT 6-8 embueltos ona large dinner plate and microwave
With a holey spoon fill tortilla with meat & a small amount of cheese (onions * I don't)
Repeat this step for as many tortillas or meat as you have.
Then pour more cheese on top(onions * I don't)
NOW take all remaining sauce which by now should have VERY VERY LITTLE MEAT and Pour all over the tray or plate of embueltos.
Microwave plate or dish for about 3-5 minutes or until cheese is melted.
I make a side of spanish rice and a side of beans to go with it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Questions about Home Schooling Preschooler's

*** First I was asked by an anonymous commenter to share our recipe for embueltos. Will do real soon but would rather know who wants recipe. I have no real reason just curios I guess.
Maybe I just want to know who's gonna be trying Grandma's embueltos?***

Since Josiah is not in school & I don't want him to fall behind I have been doing school with him. (can't remember if I already posted that)

Well we painted today!!! YUP!! I was brave or CRAZY!!! Yeah more like crazy!! L.O.L!!!

We sat on our front sidewalk and finger painted and that turned into a WONDERFUL GAME OF "paint chase", he said.

WE laughed and giggled and sang and ran around our front yard.
(wish I could post pic's - WE looked very colorful!!!)

SO The actual school part is going really well.
schedule is pretty much as follows:
wake up
sit on couch to watch Curios George on PBS (while I make b-fast)
eat b-fast together.
Josiah plays alone for about 20 minutes
WE do laundry & house chores together
then we have "MOMMY'S PLAY SCHOOL"
usually we start with a song & prayer
then go over our bible verse
story time counting time
singing & marching time
Then we head outside for play time either a walk or an activity (today was paint & paint chase)
Then we come inside at about 11:00- 11:30
He does self play for about 10-20 minutes
I fix lunch serve it & we eat together
then he takes a nap.

He is being super super clingy to me from the time he wakes up - if daddy doesn't give him UNDIVIDED attention then he is way more clingy to me.
I'm sorta spinning silly about this. Is it MY fault? Am I giving him too much attention?
I mean isn't he supposed do be able to play or entertain himself a little more than that?
Or is this a typical 2 -3 year old?

Grandma Chickens Embueltos

First of all I am honored to share this recipe!!

Second and Most importantly - You all need to know why we called my grandma Grandma Chicken. Her & My Grandpa had chickens & ducks. Grandpa once told a story that the chickens were Grandpas and the ducks were his. From then on everyone called him

"Grandpa Pato" (duck) and called Grandma, "Grandma Chicken". MY MOMS PARENTS!

Grandma Chickens Embueltos

*Grandma NEVER used conventional measurements - she used her fingers and the palms of her hands & thats how mom & I cook too!! SO here it goes

Things You will need

A Large Skillet or Frying Pan

Ground Beef

Corn Tortillas

1 Block Long Horn Yellow Cheese



Cooking Oil

1-2 cans of tomatoe sauce

Cumin Powder [cheater version] * Grandma ground it fresh in her molcajete (hand rock grinder)

Garlic powder[cheater version]*

California Chile Powder

White Onion chopped finely [ I never use onion I'm allergic Grandma always made a special batch for me & Tia Carmen without onion]

All Purpose Flour or [Wondera Powder - I CHEAT SOMETIMES] Grandma NEVER cheated!!!


  1. Shred cheese.

  2. Warm up some cooking oil in a skillet (about a 1/4 cup) depending on how many you will make.

  3. Dip each tortilla in skillet for about 30 seconds on each side - not letting them get hard.

  4. When you take out each tortilla lay it on a paper towel covered plate - to drain greese.

  5. The greese should have finished by now.

  6. If not drain it out from skillet.

  7. Place however much ground beef you will need 1 lb. feeds approx. 6 people [but I make mine real meaty plus I hardly ever cook small portions]

  8. brown the meat

  9. add salt, pepper, garlic cumin.

  10. cook well, until meat is practically dry.

  11. If small amount of oil remains in skillet tilt skillet to one side slightly in that small amount of oil add flour or wondera[2-3 tablespoons fry that till white substance turns light golden brown] If no oil left in pan pour about 1-2 tablespoons in and tilt and do the same as above.

  12. immediately after browing flour pour in 1 can of tomatoe sauce

  13. Quickly add 1 1/2 cups of hot water.

  14. then pour in about 1-2 tablespoons of California Chile powder [new mexico chile is much to spicey and sometimes gives a bitter/sourish twist]

  15. sample taste the sauce for consistancy & spices. (should NOT be too thick & NOT runny)

  16. if it seems like it needs more water or spices add it now

  17. turn flame to simmer

  18. If sauce needs more thickness - take 1 cup of cold water and mix in about a spoonful of flour or wondera. Mix it very well, making sure you disolve ALL the lumps. Then pour that cup into the skillet.

  19. Once sauce is just right turn off flame by now it should have simmered for about a good 15-20 minutes with everything added.

  20. Take 1 tortilla at a time and dip it into skillet full of sauce & meat.

  21. place tortilla on a plate, glass cassarole dish or cookie sheet[you can microwave or bake in oven *YOU CAN GUESS BY NOW WHICH I DO... the cheater version, Grandma didn't have microwaves!!!* YOU CAN PLACE ABOUT 6-8 embueltos ona large dinner plate and microwave

  22. With a holey spoon fill tortilla with meat & a small amount of cheese (onions * I don't)

  23. Repeat this step for as many tortillas or meat as you have.

  24. Then pour more cheese on top(onions * I don't)

  25. NOW take all remaining sauce which by now should have VERY VERY LITTLE MEAT and Pour all over the tray or plate of embueltos.

  26. Microwave plate or dish for about 3-5 minutes or until cheese is melted.

I make a side of spanish rice and a side of beans to go with it.




Monday, October 27, 2008


So the weekend was busy! Had a very wonderful weekend with my sweet Kakie (Kayla). She was very anxious to go meet Moriah. They came home from the hospital on Saturday evening. Steve, Kayla, Josiah & I went to moms before they got there and decorated the front yard. We put up a Welcome Home banner & hung tree decorations & balloons (all pink of course).

When we saw them driving up the street we all ran to the side walk and Welcomed them home!!!

I made embueltos(my grandmas recipes of a cross between enchiladas & a taco) for dinner.

On Sunday Josiah woke up very sick - So instead of Steve & the kids going to church. Kayla went with me to help Beth out & make her breakfast.(Gee, I wonder why she didn't pick church over a cute & cuddly new baby????).
Steve took Josiah to the doctor(our pediatrician is open 7 days a week). They spent the day together. Josiah told me they were having a "boy" day. They went to Wal-Mart & then his & daddy's favorite - a walk through home depot(Josiah loves to ride in the car carts) & Steve loves to unwind walking through their.

Whenever the kids see the orange home depot sign they say "Daddy's Toy Store!"

Kayla & I were busy with not only sweet Moriah & house chores but we were making bows.
(our new found project)

I let Kayla make three on her own. She made 3 different designs & I told her she could take them with her to her moms house & share with her sister.

I had so much time to talk with her and we read(another of our favorite pass times). She will pick out a book and we read it together then we rent the movie. right now we are reading HEIDI.

The last series we read was ANNE OF GREEN GABLES. I love that she loves to read with me and that she enjoys the same movies I do!!!

I drove her back home on Sunday evening. We talked so much!!

I MISS HER!! She will be at her moms for all this week and all next week!! This year she will be with her mom for Halloween - we were hoping she could come with us for Karaoke night at church cause she loves loves loves singing - & she's good at it too!!

We were just about there when she realized she forgot her cheer stuff here. I hope we can take it for her during the week so her mom doesn't get mad & she don't get in trouble at school.

MY PRECIOUS JOSIAH is feeling a little better but hates the breathing treatments!!!
He can't stand the mask on his face.

He has been very fussy. Last night when we took him out of the bath he was being so independent that he walked from the bathroom to his bed to change for the first time. (we usually carry him) then he stood there and said, "mommy I a big boy for dry myself like daddy, watch!" and he did he dried him self(very well I might add) then as I tried to put him on his bed to dress him, he said, "No mommy I a big boy for change myself!" He put on his night time pull up & his P.J's ALL BY HIM SELF!!!! my boy is growing up!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

THE BUBBLE & blessed assurance

Today was a busy day with various appointments and picking up Kayla. We were blessed and able to do a little bit of much needed clothes shopping! WE HAD A GREAT AFTER-NOON!!

~praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name, for he has done great things; bless His holy name!!

We decided Steve would stay home with the kids and I would go alone to see Beth. It was a nice quiet drive.

We sat together and talked and laughed and I had lots of cuddles with Moriah :~)

About an hour and a half went by and Ben & Minn came in we talked and laughed some more!

SUDDENLY... ... .... .... .... ...
I started feeling my emotions begin to race and then a numbness quickly sealed me away from myself - like a bubble surrounded me. Although I was hearing what was being said, I was far away, secluded from my true feelings. I heard Ben telling Moriah beautiful thing and watched [them] all. I say them because I felt like a stranger, like I was at a far distant place(emotionally).
I looked at the clock - it was 7:45p.m (visiting hours end @ 8). I stood up hugged Beth, said bye to Moriah, kissing her on her little head, hugged Tony, Ben & Minn. They were all oblivious as to my [protective bubble]. I walked out into the waiting room to sit by mom. My bubble was slowly diminishing. I needed mom. I needed her touch. I sat next to her but she too was oblivious as to my bubble - she kept right on playing a game with Maddie, who had been alone in the waiting room, so mom was spending time with her.

Ben came out a few minutes later and mom started walking toward the doorway. I stood up looked one more time at mom and said goodnight mom-love you! She said love you too!

I turned and walked out of the hospital down the pathway to the parking lot, got into my car and as soon as I drove out of the parking lot, my bubble bursted...

I broke into the loudest whaling crying I have ever cried in my whole entire life. I have never cried from so very deep within. I was not angry. I was just in so much pain - missing my baby boy. I cried out to God in the loudest voice ever and told Him I loved Him & trusted Him. I quoted scripture over my life. I worshipped Him for EVERY BLESSING HE POURS OUT!! I blessed His name For His excellent ways. I called out to THE GOD MOST HIGH - SAVE ME. I called out for THE COMFORTER TO HOLD ME AND SHELTER ME. I told The Lord that I WANTED my life and the life & death of Elijah and the way we walk this path set before us to BE ALL ABOUT BRINGING HONOR & GLORY TO HIM. Because He is a GOOD & JUST GOD, WORTHY OF OUR HIGHEST PRAISE. I CRIED OUT THE PSALM THAT SAYS: WHY SO DOWN CAST OH MY SOUL? PUT YOUR HOPE IN GOD!!! I drove past the 14 mile drive home took a very long route home. I was praying the kids would be asleep - I needed Steve to my self. I knew it was to early & that they would still be up because it's Friday. I was crying out so bad I just couldn't let the kids see me like this.
I drove up the drive way (no longer sobbing) and when I got off the car Steve met me at the gate. He took one look at my make up all over my face and my swollen eyes and he just held me so tight!!!
The Kids were awake but watching a movie. Josiah tried to come out but Kayla saw daddy holding me & immediately took Josiah by the hand saying, "come on brother!!!" (in and excited inviting voice) I just love my sweet big girl!!
Steve & I stayed on our porch holding each other and weeping.

We came in and sat together in the living room and talked about the shopping part of the day.
Great way to end a beautiful day.

I am grateful for EVERY BLESSING we have been given!!!!!! I BLESS THE LORD AND KNOW HE WILL OVERFLOW HIS BLESSINGS 100 x 100 for EVERY Blessing bestowed upon us. THE BIBLE SAYS SO!! HE IS FAITHFUL TO HIS PROMISES!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Labor Of Love ~ Between Sisters

My sweet 'baby' sister (Beth) ABIGAIL ELIZABETH soon to be Dews (on Nov. 15th 2008)
was in long hard labor from 6:00 am to 3:00p.m
With Daddy, Grandma & I close to her side. She worked so very hard to have Moriah naturally but to no avail at 3:00 p.m the room quickly filled with medical personnel & alarms started sounding as they place an oxygen mask on Beth, one nurse looked at me & said the baby's heart rate has dropped very low - we need to get a doctor in here.
Tony was as nervous as any dad would be and mom & I just worried. I stayed very brave for Beth & told her everything would be okay. We squeezed each others hand tight and she looked at me and said, "okay I believe you"!

The anesthesiologist came in and Tony & mom stepped out. Beth sat up and held on to me, we held each other tight and I talked her through the process along with the doctor.

The doctor explained that Moriah's heart beat had come up but that mom was in need of some oxygen for a bit longer -

Finally after all the paper signing and preparations Beth & I walked into the O.R . I held my baby sisters hand and within minutes watched her become a mommy for the first time in her life!!!!
I was able to walk through this labor of love with my sister - what a treasure!!! Moments I shall forever treasure!!

***I actually did really well - it had to be all the prayers*** MUCHAS GRACIAS!!(thank you)

I missed my sweet baby boy when I was holding her and when I cut the cord, though and I whispered into Moriah's ear, telling her she has a cousin in heaven!!

My sweet Cindy was there as soon as I came out from leaving Tony in the nursery!! (IT WAS SO SPECIAL TO SHARE A TIGHT & LOVING HUG WITH MY BEST FRIEND)along with all our Family!!!

(the boys took some pictures but I only have what Cindy send me from her phone :~)

READY TO MEET MY NIECE/god-daughter?
8 lbs 10 oz. & 20 in. Long!!

with nino & nina (us)



Wednesday, October 22, 2008

BABY MORIAH... almost here!!! UPDATE

Beth is almost two weeks over due. The doctors told her that baby Moriah is 8 pounds 10 ounces (that was on Monday)

They have decided that she will most likely have to have a c-section. Today or tomorrow.

Beth has asked me to please go into the operating room with her. I am glad but nervous.
Beth & I are so very close, so I am not surprised that she would want me to be there for her.

I'm just nervous - Please pray for me!!!

Steve & I are Moriah's god-parents - She had chosen us as soon as she found out she was pregnant - but when we found out about Elijah it just became a deeper different feeling.

Steve & I don't know how exactly we are going to react... ...

PLEASE pray for our hearts & emotions

I will update later as to my little god-daughters bid debut!!!
U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E***
Moriah will probably be born tomorrow!!! Beth just got out of doctors appointment, doctor said they will start induction tomorrow morning @ 6:00 a.m

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Since Josiah has been out of school. I have been doing pre-school home schooling. (I have several units complete in Child Development, I was going to college when I became pregnant with Elijah).

I don't want him to fall behind on his colors & shapes and stuff like that. I figured if I am home with him I better be a good steward of my time with him at home.

We have been having a lot of fun. We took our first trip to the library and work on colors & shapes & bible verse & stories everyday.

He calls it "MOMMY SCHOOLY"

Last week the theme was Listening skills and his verse was

We read our bibles and I told him the story of Moses & the burning bush (emphasizing on Moses listening to God's voice)

We played a stop, look & listen game & made sock puppets.

This morning I was tending to Steve's bandaged foot/leg & trying to get b-fast done and clean up the house. I was feeling horribly anxious. I began to cry when Josiah went out to play.
I was very frustrated & worried and anxious about our finances & about my job interview.
BUT... I was not crying out to the Lord I was just crying in frustration - on my own strength or the lack there of.

I was spot treating the carpet in the living room(no longer crying) just concentrating hard on what I was doing. Steve was in our room with the door shut. I felt a little tap on my shoulder. I looked up at Josiah and he smiled at me and said, "mamember, mommy? mamember!
GOD say - be still - mamember mommy!"
I smiled and hugged him and said, "YES baby I remember!"
He ran out onto the porch and started playing.

I felt the presence of the Lord touch me in a gentle manner - not harsh, not scolding and not really any specific words. I just felt His presence.
I finally began to talk with the Lord and I began to just basque in HIS PRESENCE.

I choose to listen to the voice of God, the voice of Truth!

I will not be shaken! We are teaching our son & daughter to trust God! I must choose to do the same! Even when things around me look uncertain.
I will not fear for He is with me and promises to restore my soul, to lead me to green pastures, to take me to streams of refreshing!!!

We are certain that God has us in the palm of His hand and He will supply our EVERY NEED!

WE want for God to receive all Glory & Honor ~ we want to make a difference in someones life by the way we live and the way we react to diverse situations around us.

*like Josiah said, I need to remember to be still*

Monday, October 20, 2008

our cheer leader


We had a great weekend. Went to a high school football game. Maddy came to spend the night and then Saturday we went to a free pumpkin patch. We borrowed Kito Ben's camera & took lots of great pic's - I'm waiting for him to send them to my computer.

Beth is in Labor :( poor thing she is so brave!
Looks like it might be tonight or tomorrow. Contractions are very steady but her cervix not doing anything. She is already 1 1/2 weeks over due. This mornings stress test was normal & Dr. told her they will do c-section on Wednesday or Thursday. From the looks on her face when she's contracting I don't know if she will make it past tonight, well if she does I will be very surprised.

Steve had a surgery on his foot this morning. He had been having pain and come to find out his foot & leg were very infected. (keeps raining) His supervisor noticed he was limping and sent him to the doctor.
He has to be off for two days. PRAY HE GETS BETTER QUICK!!!

I have an interview tomorrow - Josiah spot at school is no longer being held. Not sure what will happen there if I get this job, but I'm trusting in the Lord. He shall supply all our needs. I just gotta keep trusting.

When my nephew gets the pic's to us from this weekend I will post them :)

I have been feeling a lot of different things - some good, & mostly feelings of numbness or feelings of "I DON'T KNOW"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Tonight as Steve, Josiah & I walked into church; I noticed a candle was glowing, next to it a 5x7 picture of our Pastors, Ben & Minn, Holding Elijah during his dedication prayer - at my hospital bedside at 5:00a.m. July 9th.

I was somewhat surprised. I knew mom was gonna take a candle[I thought she was gonna put it at her table]. Mom wasn't even there yet. As time got closer to starting bible study church began to fill. I noticed another and then another and another lady taking a candle up to the front and lighting it.

At exactly 7:00 p.m the table was all a glow. Cindy walked up to me and hugged me so tight and said, "I called all the ladies, to bring a candle & remember Elijah"

*Cindy - you did it again :) love ya friend*

I kept wishing I could have gotten a picture, of how serene the table looked.

*funny thing*
(THE NOT SO GOOD THING WAS... everyone brought scented candles [various different scents] OH MAN WERE THE ALLERGIES KICKEN TONIGHT!!!

Thanks Momma for the card!! It was so precious!!


2nd Post 4 2day: (National Rememberance Day)

Please help us honor the memories we cherish so dear I know I am asking for a lot but PLEASE could you ALL leave a signature(comment); even if it's anonymous, just with your location(State or Country) so we can see where the candles will be burning from?!?! Pass this blog post to as many people as you can. The more people who read this the bigger the flame that will glow across our countries for our ~little sweet ones~
** so please pass our blog to everyone you know **
Thanks to Erika(on my side bar for posting on her blog)
*Melissa I forgot how you told me to do that link thing*

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Today it was "PAN'S & SPOONS"!!!
I think I have mentioned before that Josiah is very musically inclined... Seriously, He has been a worshipper since he was a very young baby! He mimics our Pastor who is also our worship leader - He has 4 different play guitars but takes the whole guitar thing very serious. So much so that my brother in law decided to make him a custom made guitar stand for his little bitty guitar, because he takes it to every church service since he was 1 year old. He has just recently (on his own) decided to put his guitar stand right next to Pastors & stand right by his side "DURING" the entire worship service - This boy is something!!(He loves 2 worship that's for sure)!!!
I have 3 pic's of that & will post real soon just that since we don't have our own camera or pic phone we always ask Mom, Beth or Josh to take pic's for us and I'm waiting for Josh to send me the pictures via e-mail. I think it looks so cute - he looks like a mini of our Pastor :)

Today Josiah was playing with some drum sticks he got from a drummer in a Band that Cindy's brother is in. He was pounding on my walls and singing his little heart out, so I decided that I better give him some stuff to bang on - the cake pan & plastic spoons were his favorite!
He was so engaged in this play that I was able to sort laundry, clean up from breakfast, hang a load of laundry, make lunch and still had a quick chance for a run to the bathroom :) & then after I asked[soon to be] uncle Tony to take a picture for us with his phone, I sat with him and made a joyful noise
(we think he was singing & moving his face or maybe blinking)

Later we also added a muffin pan to our Band!
Later when my mom & Beth came after daddy got home he very proudly told them, "Bible says, JOYFUL NOISE uto the Lord psaLms 62"[accent the L] one of the verses he learned at school. His favorite verse and he knows the reference too, he says,"If you ask anything in my name, I W I L L D O I T [yelling] John furrrrrteen furrrrteen!! [rolling the r's]
He is so precious!! We also have a picture someone took at church of Kayla - kneeling at the front of our church during a worship song.(she doesn't know it was taken) We want to have it sent to our computer & then we will post it.
Oh our hearts are so filled with joy to see our kids worshipping :)
I sent out 3 more resume's today *Praying for a door to open*
Steve had a grate day & my appointments were a bit draining - nothing was resolved, well not really but I found out we can appeal it, just that it will take too long to save Josiah's spot - WE ARE STILL TRUSTING & BELIEVING, GOD KNOWS ALL OF OUR TOMORROWS, HE KNOWS WHEN I'M GETTING A JOB & HE WILL PLACE JOSIAH WHERE HE NEEDS TO BE AT THE RIGHT TIME... ... ...
until then we will keep "making a joyful noise unto the Lord"
*confession I enjoyed banging those spoons& pans* (good outlet-Hee, Hee, Hee)

Monday, October 13, 2008


We had a very, wonderfully blessed day!

Josiah & I played and took a long walk - on our walk today, we found out that a neighbor half a block away has two big ducks waddling around inside her front yard. Josiah was soooooo amazed, we spent about 10 minutes just talking to the ducks :)

After the very long walk we came home and he invited me to sit on the side walk with him and play "trucks"(in my morning glory- flower bed) OH well flowers can be bought and re-planted if need be, but those precious memories we built today were priceless!!!!

(I so wish we could afford for me to stay home with him!!!)

We sang songs and then he said, "you wanna talk about it mom?" (that's what he says when he is feeling like a big boy and wants to engage in a one on one "conversation")

We ate lunch together and "talked about it"
(He said, "I'm a big boy for look like daddy" - the noodle beard)

and then when daddy got home we sat together on the couch and "talked" about ducks & trucks.


We had a great day and this Friday, will be even better when we get to pick up Kayla from school!!!(she gets to come home 3 weekends out of the month) we miss her more during the school year - but we mention her every night at our dinner table & bed time prayers :)

This Saturday is the annual "Remembrance candle light walk" with Angel Babies(the grief support group). The walk will be at the same park where we took our family pregnancy photos*sigh*

I have a few appointments tomorrow to try and make sense of this huge mess with the Public Assistance Department & Josiah's day care/ preschool. Please pray for God's favor on this situation - this is a christian pre-school, they learn 1 bible verse a week and Josiah was doing really well this is his second week off & if this stupid county program can't figure this all out Josiah can lose his spot. We really don't want that to happen(if he can't stay home with mommy then the second best thing would be a christian curriculum based place where they pray for meals, for boo-boos, & family & are taught by christian people) PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS MATTER TO BE RESOLVED TOMORROW WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY; THEY CAN NOT CONTINUE TO HOLD HIS SPOT WITHOUT A CONTRACT.

I know I can count on many fervent prayers going before God to resolve this matter :)
Thanks to all of you

A New Day... ... A New Season!!!

It's A BRAND NEW DAY. Three O'clock in the morning.
I am proclaiming The Goodness Of God!

He has heard our supplications!!!
Steve just started work again!!!!!

I'm next - Lord :)

I am proclaiming His Blessings with expectancy, I am grateful to all of you who have held us up in prayers - I am praying for His Blessings to Rain down on all of you who have been so faithful in praying for us!!!


Your prayers & encouraging comments mean so much to us & we are grateful to you!

Friday, October 10, 2008

"In The Presence of Jehovah"

~blowing bubbles~ SPECIAL thanks to our freinds in Australia blowing bubbles with us!!!

I want to thank all of you who CONTINUE to visit our Lijah's blog. YOU all mean so very much to us. Steve & I are so encouraged by your comments. We are so uplifted by your continued prayers. We know that YOUR prayers are what get us through; on our toughest days.
Yesterday being one of the heaviest thus far.
I was asked yesterday, "how are you doing about tomorrow?" I thought for a minute & then answered, "I don't know yet."
On his 1st month... I don't think I ever shared yet about his 1st month. We were at church family camp. In Morro Bay, California (about 2 hours away) our family vacation spot since I was probably 9yrs. old or so. We tried so hard to get to the coast with Lijah but because of the difficult pregnancy we never made it. Right before he was born about a week or two before, the nurse (specialist with "special" cases) called me to talk over some particulars about the delivery. She explained a whole bunch of stuff including,
this comment:
"If you hear a loud vigorous cry when baby is born, chances are pretty good baby will make it through the night and perhaps even be able to go home with you for some time."
She NEVER assured me this would happen but for some reason, I took this comment as my golden ticket & made plans on taking Lijah with us to family camp.
You can imagine the devastation (round #2) when family camp time came and we had no Lijah to take with us... ... ...
We did the next best thing!
Steve & I talked about how we could include Lijah's memory & carry him in our hearts @ OUR
"Morro Bay"
We (I) needed so deeply for Lijah to be a part of Morro Bay & for Morro Bay to know of My Lijah.
[my family & I have this "thing" with Morro Bay] We go to the ocean to tell [it] "STUFF" major milestones in our life. Like when I got engaged, we went to the edge of the ocean shore & yelled out "I'm engaged!" when I got married, not only Honey-mooned @ Morro Bay but also had a second reception there (family & friends too)! When we became pregnant with Josiah, we stood @ the ocean shore and yelled "we're pregnant!" so when we became pregnant with Elijah we were planning on going & then found out about his "smartness" that took a while to adjust to & then when I finally felt like I could handle it emotionally - physically I couldn't . My family & I also went to the edge of the ocean shore and sat quietly telling the ocean when both my grandparents passed away[mile stones]
Sooooo, maybe that's why I made this comment my golden ticket. (thinking- to plan on taking him with us). I think if our church had chosen any other place we would not have gone - It was so soon and I was so sad but it was "Morro Bay" I almost felt like I had two thing I needed to tell the ocean. [I DID have two things] His birth, & his life in heaven [milestones in my life].
Steve & I (one day before we left) finally came up with how we could make our precious Elijah known to "our" Morro Bay - I couldn't think of anything that felt right! Steve (my sweet hero) saved the day again. He took me to the back steps and said, "I have an idea"...
(I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT - So PLEASE put on your thinking caps & help me out with any ideas)
We took a glass jar (1 of my grandmas old mason jars) filled it with mementos from his funeral - 1.the blue pacifier ribbon necklace with his name & dates
2. one of the funeral programs Cindy bought for him with the little lamb picture
3.a few (saved) white silk flower petals Cindy bought to throw into his grave of his obituaries
5. letters to Elijah from each & every one of my family members including Cindy & some close church friends

On Elijah's one month birthday (we were @ family camp) we drove from the camp site to a special parking place. We all got off of our cars and passed the letters out to each other-
(all of us) to read each others letters. We were all pretty much in tears. Then Steve walked out to the very,very end of the jetty, said a prayer of Thanksgiving for ALL of Gods Excellent gifts & tossed this bottle(jar) into "our" ocean. I could not walk out with him because of the rocks, but I walked as close as I could to the rocks; watching, thinking, crying & praising my Jesus for my sweet baby. (sorry I was so long to get to my point - I didn't know I was gonna be ready to share this today) We thank you all, who still join us on our journey...
The next day (his heaven day - the 10th) I was fine! As is what happened today on his 3 month
(heaven day - the 10th) I had no idea how I would feel because of how sad I was yesterday.
But I am so at peace and I praise the Lord for the gift, of knowing my son is in the very presence of Jehovah!
Psalms 16:11 (Lijah's verse)
You have made know to me the path of life; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

~ 3 Months Sweet Lijah, Love you forever ~ (1 of ?)

Oh my baby! My sweet, sweet boy. I miss you Lijah. Mommy misses you so much! I want to hold you again, to feel your precious warm face, your hair, your tiny nose, I miss you papas!

When I close my eyes... I can see you so clear in my minds eye. You are forever in my heart brave boy. I am so glad you are not tired any more. You can breath so free & clear.

Daddy made you a garden precious love! He misses you every day. We know you are in such a better place. We know you are not lacking anything!

Everyday Josiah talks about you, says your name or draws you hearts. Lijah you have a wonderful "big" brother. He is so nice. I watch the video of how he kept kissing you - Oh I know he misses you too. He plays pretend with you - giving you a ride on the back of his red tricycle. He throws the ball up in the sky and yells out your name. He blows bubbles and yells, "tiny ones for you my Lijah".

I wish you could have stayed with us. I MISS YOU SO MUCH BABY BOY!

I have met a lot of ~YOUR WORSHIP PARTNERS'~ mommies. WE ALL talk about each and every one of you; how much we love you and miss you. We share stories and pictures of all of you. I'm telling everyone that today, I'm missing my sweet 3 month old baby.

Isaac & Asher and Eva and Joshua and Jacob were all their to meet you! I talk to their mommies!

Oh, my Lijah, My sweet Lijah, My little tiny baby, Mommy misses you sweetness!

No portrait sitting, no walking you in your stroller, no singing you to sleep...

Daddy & I will go to the cemetery and let your brother blow bubbles. We made you a pretty blue heart papas.

There are very special people all over the world that think you are special!
They drop in and tell us "Hi " just like the day you were born and the day Jesus & The Angels had a big , big celebration Party, when you got to Heaven!!!!
** please sign (comment) our blog today in honor of Elijah's 3 month birthday**

3 months ~ A Pocket Full Of Kisses~

A Pocket Full Of Kisses
Book By Audrey Penn
..."I think someone needs a kissing hand," she said in a voice that was warm & inviting. She took[his] hand in her own and spread open his tiny fingers into a fan. Leaning over, she kissed him right in the middle of his palm.
... And when he pressed his hand to his cheek, he could hear his mother's words in his head. "mommy loves you," they said. "mommy loves you."
..."Every night, just before the sun goes down, it reaches out with its rays and touches every star in the universe. One by one, the stars light up and shine down upon us. Even on nights we can't see the stars, they're up there sparkling away. No matter how many stars fill the sky, the sun will never run out of light, and its rays will never stop reaching out to them."
That's the way it is with kissing hands. When somebody loves you, their kisses are like the sun's rays - always there and always shining. No matter how many kissing hands I give... I will never, ever run out."

This is a story I used to read to Kayla when she was 5 years old.
now I read it to Josiah, & tonight to my Lijah!

~We will take this book and read it at the cemetery to our boys~

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I woke up this morning - feeling okay. Steve went on another job interview. He got back. Suddenly WHAM! a rush of emotions just slammed me! I look around and I know I am blessed. I just wonder when will I feel it? I HONESTLY feel like all I have been doing on my blog is complaining about what I don't have and all my woes. I am grateful for my family, my church and all the things I am blessed to have.

I just wonder... I wonder sometimes; WHAT? what are you showing me Lord? WHAT? what do you want me to see? WHERE? where are you taking me to Lord? WHERE? where do you want me to go?WHY? why is it so long? Why do I not understand?

I wonder... I even talked to Steve the other day; the bible speaks of blessings and cursing... I guess you can tell where I feel we are.

Things just seem to get harder and harder. Mom doesn't seem to understand she thinks this is all about Elijah. I don't know, is it? could be I guess.

I mean we are doing all we can to stay a float. Staying faithful in church, trying to stay focused, looking for jobs, going on interviews - things just seem to get harder and harder. Now the stupid county is saying they are not going to pay for Josiah's school for some dumb discrepancy thing. Josiah loves school he had just gotten over the attachment issues and now trying to get in to see my worker to dispute this matter is taking forever. She said she has an opening on Friday (1 week since this whole stuff started).

On top of this Steve. He is depressed I know it and he won't admit it. He's not talking, and just wants to sleep. He got back from the interview and layed down. He keeps saying he is tired and needs to sleep. I am trying to be understanding. I don't want to irritate him. I just feel so very overwhelmed.

We are not a people who just want to live on handouts!!!! WE JUST WANT JOBS!! we want to feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I'm just tired and overwhelmed, confused and weary. I KNOW THE BIBLE I FEEL HIM COMFORT ME, I DO.
I just wish I didn't feel like I do. I feel like we are being punished for something. I keep telling the Lord to show me, that I will fix whatever needs to be fixed. I'm just so tired of all the stress.

I wish Steve would just talk. I know he is very stressed. I can tell. The other day he told me something that I am not real sure what to do with. We were talking and he said "you don't look happy any more, I remember when we first met your eyes and face smiled even when you weren't smiling - You used to be a happy person and now I can't make you happy, maybe it's me"

I said nothing because I didn't know what to say.
PLEASE PRAY. I know I'm complaining and whining and crying and complaining AGAIN
please just pray

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


My heart was so blessed by those of you who responded to praying for Becky's husband!
Bob is still having chest pains and is waiting on more blood tests which will decide if he needs to undergo another surgery.

Melissa, I tried to add her blog link like you said (and by the way THANK'S for taking time to show me how to do this) However, Becky's blog says something about a tema member; I don't want to bother her with the trivial stuff right now.

I will keep you all updated as to Bob's progress. I know your faithfulness in praying for Bob & Becky and their family is uplifting them.

A very special thank you to the 3 of you who went through my comments in order to find her blog & let her know you were praying!

I know God sees all of the others who are being ferverent in praying for Bob even if you were unable to leave her a comment. The important thing is for all of us to unite inprayer on their behalf!
Tonight we came home from church & after dinner we (Steve, Josiah & I) sat on the couch together and relaxed. I was so blessed to just have time to relax and be together :)

I was rubbing Steve's feet and Josiah jumped up into daddy's arms and streched out his little legs and said, "Mommy my toes - mine like daddy too" (little turkey - He's just like his daddy)

Steve & I have been busy with church stuff we are volunteering for, so comming home early tonight was a true blessing.

Friday will be 3 months since Elijah went home to heaven. I am a little bit nervous about my emotions because when I think 3 months, I remember when Josiah turned 3 months we made a day at the mall for lunch walking him in the stroller and a portrait sitting.

In my heart, I feel like what can I do? how can I pour as much into celebrating & honoring Elijah's 3 months in heaven as we did for Josiah?

I know that sounds weird huh? it feels weird to me too but I just feel like this.

Friday is also Beth's due date to deliver Moriah! I'm nervous about that... Steve is too!

Monday, October 6, 2008


My friend Becky just wrote & told me her husband had a heart attack & has had emergency surgery.

We all know how encouraged we have felt at the times we have been struggling the hardest and how our hearts are some how comforted by uplifting & encouraging comments left on our blog.

(I know it is not EASY to find her blog because I do not have her URL but she has left a comment on my post from last night "ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR?!")


I know many of you pray so PLEASE drop by her blog and let her know SHE IS BEING UPLIFTED IN HER TIME OF NEED; she has prayed for manyof us through our tough times!

Sunday, October 5, 2008


HE WAS VERY QUIET WHEN I LOOKED OVER TO THE DINING ROOM HE WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR - When Steve heard me say "Josiah you are not supposed to write on the floor!" Steve & I both walked to him and Steve bent down and said now I have to tale your marker away... not nice to write on floor. Immediately Josiah cried, "I'm drawing my Lijah" we sat on the floor with him and had to console our baby boy who was so devastated because we had not appreciated what he was doing... I immediately sat with him on the floor and hugged him and Steve bent to give himnmthe marker back as we told him, "thank you for making a pretty picture for Lijah, but you need to be careful to write on the paper only okay," still sobbing he said, "IT NO FIT MAMA ITS LIJAH'S GARDEN FOR HEAVEN"
I said," okay baby I like your picture for Elijah no write on the floor okay."

Thank God for washable markers!!!


Saturday, October 4, 2008


Help me welcome my friend mrstracypants to blog land!!! She is a special friend of mine from church. We have known eachother for over 6 years. SHE IS SPUNKY some might say strange, I once asked myself if she was weird - then I figured SHE'S not weird she's a JESUS FREAK :)

We have become so much closer during the pregnancy, birht & death of Elijah. She is one of my ladies from TUESDAY NIGHT PRAYER
AND ALSO A PRAYER WARRIOR!!! I invite you to visit her blog(on my sidebar under friends)
If you are ever in need of prayer you can REST ASSURED THAT mrstracypants will bear your burden and intercede on your behalf!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I was visiting a blog and was reading of a grandma's heart & how she was missing her angel grand-baby in heaven. This baby would be 2 and 1/2 (right Becky?) Just like my Josiah.
These words came to me as I sat at my computer bowing to say a prayer of comfort & peace for this family.
So I shared with Becky but thought it would be nice to share with you all too!

"As the days move forward, the memories grow deeper & stronger roots in my heart - Never forget you little one..."

We all are moving forward with the heavy hearted days & the memories that bring us joy & healthy tears of love.

Forward has become some what of a bitter sweet. I sat out side in the memorial garden last evening as the sun was setting. I went out to hang some laundry on the line. We are expecting our 1st rain this fall tomorrow. I looked up at the grey cloudy sky. Rain clouds and a warm breeze hovering over and a bright orange sunsetting.

My tears began to roll down my face.
Hanging Josiah's shirts, I remembered his 1st rain. He was born on December 27th and it was storming real bad that year. I remember when we got home holding my tiny little baby boy (4 lbs. - 17 inches) in my arms and standing in front of the window and telling him "rain - see the rain? that's rain. Jesus makes the rain" (he was 4 days old) He had no idea what I was saying. I was just being a mommy! Doing my job teaching my baby. Telling him things about this new world he now lived in.

I finished hanging Josiah's clothes and when I started back up the side walk to my back door, the breeze blew and my attention was drawn to Elijah's Garden. A hanging bell [thingy] that Steve just bought last week began to chime in the breeze. My face covered in tears---

I sat out there till the sun went down and the back lights turned on. Steve came out first not too long after we had both been sitting there Josiah joined us. We sat there together watching Josiah run and play in his brother's memorial garden. He talks to him and blows bubble for him and sometimes it hurts so bad to see him look up in the sky and say, "for you Lijah - For you - catch it brother"(throwing a toy or a ball or blowing the bubbles up in the sky) After a while when he gets bored he'll say , "lijah no listen to me mom - he no play with me". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY , so many times I don't say anything. Thank God that most of the time he doesn't wait for an answer. i have figured that's just his way of closing the 'moment' because right after he says that, he begins to play something else. * not crying any more* ;}
I wish he had a brother or sister to play with [Kayla isn't here all the time].
I know it is perfectly okay for him to have imaginary friends [his is Mathew] Mathew is actually a friend from his first day care but he always pretends Matthew is here with him.
Matthew has just recently become "MATT". I heard Josiah arguing [yes - he argues with him. he also tattles on 'matt' when he ' josiah' drops something] he said, "Matt you better move off! move right now! MY shooooooooooooooooe! I walked into his room and his shoe was stuck under his bed's foot board. He was pulling and pulling [he had no idea I was now standing behind him] I said whats wrong and he said [face mad red] Matt won't let me my shooooo lone for be late to school" I said, "oh your shoe is stuck?" he said, "no matt" I said," okay let me get it for you" so I got his shoe and as he strapped it on he said "no do that no more matt, not nice for make me late for school" and walked out into the living room[face still red].

That just makes me feel a little sad for him. Not having a little play partner, having to make believe one up! silly little guy :)

Rebekah, Melissa, LoreleAmi, MrsRubly, Siscaboo & Jessi!!" (WE GOT 6 now!!!)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A few things to mention

# 1 I absolutly love blogging! and I have been piddling around on my dashboard and stuff like that to try to figure this all out, cause when I... I mean when my nephew Jared set it up for me I was jsut happy to be able to communicate back and forth about our journey with Elijah. I know I was off of blogging for about a month or so & now that I'm back.... .... It's like blog land went through a "ccolness revolution" and I missed it!!!!!!!!! [can you see me pouting? my bottom lip is dragging so low If I stand up I might trip on my lower lip] ;(
Sooooooooooooooo all you SSsssssssssssweeeeeeeeeeeeeeaties,
T E L L M E!! (WHINING!!!)(i want a cute blog too!!)

#2 Did you see that I did manage to add "followers" I'm so good at this stuff! RIGHT??!!!
WRONG but thanks to my new followers that was pretty neat to see that - took me a while to figure out what it meant; (funny confession I never told to any one before now) when I logged on one night and read 1 FOLLOWER
it was like 2 a.m and I was alone in the kitchen and I got all scared and got up to close the blinds over the sink which is directly behind my desk and then logged off and darted across the dining room, ran through the living room straight to my room and jumped into bed real fast! (I'M NOT KIDDING) I hugged Steve real tight but he was fast asleep!!
My heart was kinda pounding and I thought (some protection he is when my computer just announced I have 1 follower).
I AM SO NOT KIDDING and if my brothers and sisters and mom & Cindy & her son Chris and my nephews ROQUE, KITO & JARED & My COUSIN BERNICE were bloggers & read this they'd be BUSTING UP LAUGHING saying "YUP- she's not kidding" AND POSTING MORE RIDICULOUS STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! so glad they don't blog :)