Monday, August 31, 2009

And it keeps on comming...

So, for those of you who might be fed up with my recent postings.... .... ....PLEASE DON NOT READ THIS ONE EITHER cause it isn't any better than this whole past year. SO many other bloggers who have lost a child have such beautifully encouraging posts to share. Posts that uplift and build faith in the readers.

MINE, not at all it has been one thing after another after another and I seem to have less & less good to share than any one out there.
* i just wanna say whats on my mind:
We got NO CHECK from the welfare in the mail today! put in our last $ 2.00 in gas to get SI to school. Went to pick him up and we ran out of gas about 2 miles from home. I know 2 miles is nothing BUT it was long & hot for Si.

When he asked me why we were stopping, I said, "the gas is running out" he immediatley prayed, "thank you Lord for our gas dont run out amen" (Silent tears flowing down my face under my sunglasses)
I put the jeep in park and afterabout 1 minute he said, "okay mom lets go cause its hot"
when I told him what run out of gas means, he started crying really loud and then I said baby we are okay we will just go for a walk and he cried out I dont want are jeep to die. I unbucked and said baby our jeep is not dying we just gotta get money and put gas in it and then it will turn on. SO I took him out of his car seat and with a furroughed brow and a deep sigh he said, "LORD YOU NO GOOD NO MORE". I hugged him and i said baby maybe Jesus just wants us to go for a walk & hear the birds. We wiped away his tears and then Like a little man he said, "mom make sure all the doors are locked".
We walked home facing the sun and I made it as fun as I possibly could by singing songs, counting trees, cars and "reading" signs we passed(not letting him notice me wipe my tears).

His tiny little legs were so tired(after a busy day at preschool) I carried him whenever I could but he is getting so big now.

The hardest part was when we passed Mc donalds andhe said mommy lets go play I said not today baby then about a block further we passed the donut shop, subway, chinese, the smoothie store and he just looked up at me and asked, "no money huh moma" with a huge knot in my throat I managedan Mhhuh eith a nod and about three blocks further very close to our house we were right in front of a mexican restaurant that we have gone to onvery special ocasions and he said, "momma i got a good great idea - we should go on a date and tell daddy to dont have a fever and we could have a date and eat chips & salsa and you & daddy can eat a PEPSI, we should! you want to momma" I said no baby daddy is sick and its too hot out hear and he said, "momma and we don't got no money for gas or for a date huh moma cause Lord say no"

I picked him up one last time and said, " baby lets count how many numbers till we cross this big street" "we ran across the street in 18 - 7" he said! I put him down we were all sweaty and hot and now daddy had to get up and walk back to get the jeep & pray that $1.65 in change will get the jeep home.

Oh and we had a deadline for a "certian bill" and we got it extended till today at 5:30 and now I know we will lose that too!

And I'm sure it will keep on comming.... rent, soaps, toilet paper ... all things we have no money for not to mention gas for transportation

I was so proud of Steve though when I told him what Josiah had said he called him from his room and picked him up into his arms and sat on the couch with him and said, "son - you know how you prayed for the jeep to not run out of gas? (si nodded) Well son daddy wnats you to know thet The Lord is ALWAYS good baby boy its just that He was probably busy sending miracles to other people son. YOU know how we always get miracles and blessings and He always helps our prayers well maybe today was someone elses turn son. BUT HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND HE IS GOOD! Si said, "okay dad but he should have helped us today because today we dont have gas & no more quarters" Yes son but HE IS HELPING US OKAY steve said. " okay dad I understand"

I was in the kitchen making up somthing for lunch and I just had to smile

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Steve & I stood in a food bank line for 6 and a half hours today. We made ourselves useful & collected plastic water bottles to recycle for a little bit of cash. Once Josiah was out of school we made it into a game "collecting & counting empty water bottles".

He behaved so well!!! My sweet boy. All the while there was a girl in front of us, pushing a stroller with her son, named "Elijah" who was born on July 10th.

I cannot begin to say how many times I was asked is he(referring to Si) your only child? Only to be followed by comments like, "AWWW you are so mean! he needs a little brother" or, "you don't like kids? is that why you just have him?

LIFE IS PAINFULLY CRUEL sometimes and for us it has been for quite some time now!

So today we had our full helping of humble pie!!!

*(since I have already received several emails asking how it is we have internet if we are in such a financial bind; to answer that question once and for all - we have internet because it came with our TV service on June 11th when the digital transition took place. AT THE TIME I STILL HAD A JOB SO I TOOK THE DEAL, but our utilities are being shut off one at a time and very soon I will not be blogging or getting on Face Book. hope that satisfies the curious questions :)

Oh and just in case you were wondering YES, STEVE IS STILL "looking" for WORK.
and NO I don't think we are mismanaging our finances, cause we don't have finances :)

BUT for those of you who see us on a day to day basis WE WILL KEEP THE SMILES ON OUR FACES & NOT bring up our saddness of missing Elijah "because, WE ARE BLESSED" and we wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.....

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


"T'is so sweet to trust in Jesus... HARD, yes VERY HARD & PAINFUL TOO! (in the flesh) but so sweet & refreshing to our souls when in the middle of the raging storm we hear Him whisper softly "I AM"! AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE....

I am about to share something I was going to keep to myself, but I truley believe with ALL my heart, mind & soul that SOME ONE NEEDS to hear this:

Some of you may know what I am about to share to a more personal level but for THE MANY who DO NOT know "HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH"here it goes:

I have been so transparent (maybe too much at times). I have written ALL my frustrations, my hurts, almost every emotion.

so this is to share what I have just learned through prayer time (just now)...
Steve & I are on this blog because, on Feb 13, 2008 we found out Elijah had an illness that would take him way too soon. I never knew that morning "HOW DEEPLY GOD'S TOUCH" would come upon our lives and change forever the course of our lives in every way.
With that news I became so devastated, although I remained strong fro quite some time. My prayer life changed, my faith changed, my marriage changed, the way I viewed things changed, my kids changed, my friendships & family relationships changed. Soon it all began to become evident in every area of our lives that GOD was doing "something BIG", something painful yet so precious.

You all know this road has been so hard (to put it mildly)
BUT TONIGHT!!!! Tonight during a moment of intimacy with MY LORD, MY SAVIOR, MY JESUS.... He revealed to me "HOW DEEP, GOD'S TOUCH".

See YOU ALL have read that we are in such a deep, desperate financial crisis!
THE AMAZINGLY, WONDERFUL NEWS is that tonight, as I was laying with 'Siah and praying he fell asleep. I wept before GOD, in my spirit & HE GAVE ME A GLIMPS of "HOW DEEP GODS TOUCH"
I am not saying IT is all PERFECT! On the contrary; because
  • Steve is still getting really great job leads with high recommendations, Almost a guarantee by people who do the hiring! AND YET, no job!! = "HIS TIMING"!
  • I am dealing with an overwhelming load of emotions that it has started to inhibit my ability to function to my fullest capacity in many areas of my life = ???
  • 'Siah is processing and dealing with the reality of DEATH at such a young age = ???
  • Kay is dealing with our sitaution, and having quite a difficult time doing so (on top of "THIS" she also has an entirly different life she lives at her moms & by the way her little cousin is fighting cancer *(PLEASE PRAY FOR JANET'S NIECE) = ???
  • Our marriage of only almost five years has endured so much stress, grief & heart ache that I often wonder HOW we are still woven so tightly together!= "HIS WILL"
  • This house we are in is a miracle in itself because we have been behind on our rent for so long now that IT IS ONLY BY HIS MERCY that we still have a roof over our heads and a home in which our K & 'Si are able to sleep safely. I pray every night & morning for God to Please touch our landlords heart so that he doesn't come to give us another notice & we still don't know if tomorrow morning we get it but for now we have a place = "HIS MERCY"
  • Our transportation situation is, a plain miracle of God that it is still mobile and how it passed smog is beyond me. = "HIS PROVISION"
  • Our utilities are being paid by the income I am able to bring in, but I have been on a medical leave for 2 weeks = ???
  • In Kay's very own words to us last night with tears all over her precious sweet face, "but it is one thing after another and on top of those things more stuff and more stuff just keeps piling up on us and we are all so hard! It is so hard" = PAIN for us because we have no answers
But tonight, Tonight I was given some kind of hope, of truth that I can't even seem to fully comprehend myself & as I try to explain it I just can't say it plainly and I know my grammer is just horrible but, I MUST write how, I KNOW that ALL that we have gone through, all that we don't have, all that we have lost; GOD IS, THE I AM! just like it says in the bible.

GOD HAS TOUCHED OUR LIVES SO DEEPLY and for this and through this we will be renewed and He will restore to us the Joy of our first love! He will make a way where there is no path, He is mighty to save, He is with us in the valleys, His Touch will keep us, His love is amazing!!

*I will not fear of tomorrow for you are with me your rod & your staff they comfort me.
* In my weakness You are strong.

Thats all :D much love to all of you who continue to love & support us with your kind words on this journey & I am anticipating how else Christ will prove himself so real in the lives of my children, my husband and myself!

Josiah's 1st day of school

Here is a picture of Josiah, on his 1st day of school!
this is the school office I used to work in when I met his daddy. I worked here until Josiah was born.

So having 'Si go to school here is like taking him to an extended family's place cause I worked with all the teachers & staff from 1999 to 2006 :)


Sunday, August 16, 2009

through the eyes of my Pre-schooler!

My heart is so heavy..... (so what's new?) It seems like right when I take a step forward then its one or two in the opposite direction.

My heart is so heavy for my precious 'Siah.....

He has been playing "DIE" alot these past four or five days & talking about "SPECIAL CRIBS", "HEAVEN", "SEE GOD", and making us all take turns "DIEing".

He asks very politely and pleads that we (me & K) play with him. Steve is WAY SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE with this and Kakie is a little bit too, but we (she & I) follow along with him because the grief counselor told us that this is his way of processing & dealing with his grief.

It just hurts and is very hard for me because it feels so Sad & even makes me a bit angry(too be quite frank); WHY? there's that question again... The question with no "real" answer or no answer that really helps me out! WHY US? WHY MY BABY? WHY MY 'SI & K? why??!?!?!?

Cause, "you guys are so brave"; cause, "God knew you could handle it"; cause, "some one else needs you to understand them";

JUST SO NOT FARE, I wish we weren't going through this. Wish I was busy with a 1 year old and tugging him along to take his big brother to his 1st day of school. BUT instead GOD SAW FIT that my 'Si & my sweet, precious K deal with a whole lot of DEATH!! and I have no 1 year old & 'Si & K have no baby brother(HERE)!

* HUGE KNOT IN MY THROAT AND TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE(again)!! and my two little blessings are sleeping together... just the 2 of them cause their bubba is in heaven.

tonight - 'Si said, "kayla, lets die together and I be with you" he jumped on the couch with her and they both closed their eyes then 'Siah screemed out, "GOD!!! oh, GOD I MISSED YOU!! WE ARE HERE GOD!!!"
Kay joined in (laughing and saying GOD we are here and she was going on and on repeating the same thing) then out of no where he got off the couch very matter of fact and said, "okay- mom we are down now. Kay, no more GOD, lets color"

STEVE hates for him to play this but that lady told me to let him feel safe to express himself that it is healthy for him.

UGGGGHHHHHHH, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

One Day At A Time...

trying to live & breath just one day at a time

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


oh my girls!! I LOVE YOU TOO SO MUCH!! sorry we didn't pick you girs up on the week we told you but Uncle Steve's dad passed away. I dont have your mom number babies BUT WE MISS YOU ALOT you girls can email us at stv.mre@ When do you guys go back to school?
Oh girls you made me smile tonight!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS & LOGI BEAR TOO!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009


so tired of the climb!!! life is so hard! so unfair! & yet has such sweet, sweet moments; just that today for some reason is just plain TUFF!

Steve is still not working! I had a Pastor tell me to coninue to
~TRUST in The Lords DIVINE plan for our life~

But it is just bothering me that people (my brother) is talking about steve, "WELL IF STEVE WOULD JUST GET UP & GET A JOB......."

why is it that the SWEET RREASSURING WORDS seem to fade so easily & yet the negative leaves a lasting sting that just lingers on and on.

Being broken just doesn't "feel" good! I guess I should think of how my Lord felt while taking "MY" punishment on that cross!