Friday, April 18, 2008

BIG DAY (yesturday)

Yesterday, was Steve's last day off. We spent the morning cleaning house and mowing both front and back lawns and doing laundry. (felt so good to feel normal again). Josiah was at school from 8:00 to 12:00 so we were able to get allot done(no interruptions)!! We picked up Josiah went over to moms, ate a quick bite and then we left to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements. Thank God Jonathan(my brother, Josiah's nino) was their for lunch. Josiah loves to be a BIG BOY around nino so when we left he was eating at the table next to nino.(NO TEARS :) ) just a big "BYE MOMMY!" (SUCH A BIG BOY)
Needless to say it was very heavy on the hearts. We are so blessed to have the peace and strength of God. As we walked up to the door, waves of emotions swept over me and through me. Steve was so very quiet but holding my hand tightly as we walked through the doors. The funeral director greeted us and took us upstairs (a pregnant lady walking up a flight of stairs, heavy hearted isn't very easy). The hardest parts were: signing the forms to pick up baby and embalming(chills up my arms and spine as I write) and giving all the information to fill out the death certificate and the information for obituary. (SORRY if that was more info than you wanted to read I'm just being honest). All those forms, are things I never knew had to be done for any funeral preparation. I can honestly say that THIS was not crossing my mind, the day Steve and I stood in front of the church; looking into each others eyes saying our "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSES"(i know it's not a word but you get what I'm saying). As we continued signing documents and answering questions the waves of emotions that raged inside me were insurmountable and at times I felt like I was suffocating and drowning all at once. Suddenly this verse came to mind and PEACE SWEPT OVER ME AND I WAS ABLE TO CONTINUE. the verse is found in Isaiah 43:2 and it says: [When you go through the deep waters. I will be with you. When you go through the river of difficulties you will not drown when you pass through the flames you will not be burned the flames will not consume you.] WHAT A PROMISE!!!
We were able to go through the entire process with an overwhelming sense of peace through the heaviness of hearts we carried, even as we walked over to the little baby caskets (Ugghg! THAT WAS HARD) holding each others hands tight. I couldn't help it I had to reach in and feel the tiny satin white pillow and the material lining that tiny little thing (making sure it was soft)... it was. I immediately pulled my hand back (not wanting to go too deep into that emotion). One thing is for certain that I am glad we are able to take plenty of time to do all this. Cindy came over to be with us last night(Just gotta love the sacrifices this girl makes!)
I was telling her that the next order of business is the paper work and legalities at the cemetery and ordering the flowers... DEFINITELY NOT DOING THAT THIS WEEK but maybe next week. IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. We got home and were exhausted!! but too tired to go to bed, if that makes sense. Not much makes sense these days anyways.
Before Cindy came Beth and I were sitting on the couch talking and it hurt me so bad to see her little face turn red as tears filled her eyes. She said that listening to all the funeral arrangements made her realize how real this really is. It hurt so bad because she is my baby sister. 12 years younger than me. For one of the first times in our lives I can't take away her pain. TOO HARD! Beth & I are so close not more than Minn but just different. Beth & I spent more time at home together before getting married and SHE'S THE BABY not only that but she is right about to turn 4 months pregnant with her first baby and we were so excited because we were going to have babies only 3 months apart ALL the plans we were making... SUDDENLY THE PLANNING CHANGED. We talked for along time last night and I thought it was so sweet for her to not take any of her calls for the whole time we were talking. I was crying and telling her that I'm worried about her during the funeral because of her pregnancy. She was crying saying to me, "I'm worried about you seeing my tummy during that time, is it going to hurt your heart too much to see me, should I stay away?" We had such a good talk and cry together just like sisters do. Mom & I were talking last night about how much of a blessing YOU OUR "blog family" has become to us. So many people writing and sharing your love prayers and encouraging thoughts, even though you may have never experienced what we are facing and yet being so courageous to write us to share your support with us. Then the many others who have walked the painful path we are traveling in one way or another and you are there for us too!!!
STILL BELIEVING FOR A MIRACLE, WHATEVER HE CHOOSES WE WILL ACCEPT WITH PEACE, PAIN AND LOVE!!! The joy of knowing the peace of God, is our strength! NOT TO SAY THAT IT DOESN'T HURT but just saying we can feel His strength and ALL YOUR PRAYERS ARE A HUGE SUPPORT TO US.


  1. Love you...thinking of you today...Minerva sends her love too!


  2. I am still believing with you for a miracle here too, however the Lord wants to do it. I can't imagine the pain of these plans you are making for the future. Praying for you each day to be surrounded with the Lords peace. Thank you for chosing life for Elijah, he is safe with you and his life matters so much. I followed and still do Susie who is Joshuas mommy, and I have to tell you, that little boy expanded my heart so much with his life. God blessed them with many days with him, and I pray the same for you. I live south of you in Capistrano Beach, too far to drop in for a visit, but close enough to feel your heart and pray for you.
    Have a most blessed weekend.
    Love, Laurie in So. Ca.