Monday, April 21, 2008

A few thoughts in my head

My dad called me yesterday.(My mom & dad have been separated since Beth was born or around there). I talk to my dad (occasionally). I love my dad. He is a recovering alcoholic sober now for over 10 yrs. (i think it's ten, but I know it has been a long time) Now that we are older and have our children, he tries to be there more. BUT he is very forgetful... he even forgot to go to my wedding! even though I reminded him the night before. SO he's sometimes not all there.
Whenever I called him to tell him about Elijah, I felt bad because I just called him on the phone and told him over the phone. Stupidly, I was surprised with his reaction HE GOT ALL EMOTIONAL and started crying. BUT he doesn't always react to things in a normal way so I guess I thought he would just say ok. (pretty stupid of me) so a few minutes after I hung up my mom came into the kitchen and I said, "i called my dad to tell him". The look on my moms face confirmed what I was feeling... that I should NOT have told him on the phone!! OOPS!
All that to say this: we talked on Sat. afternoon and he's been calling to check on me at least once a week. sometimes he calls a few times in a row (because he forgets he just called me).
Anyways He said,"hi mija! como estas? como te sientes? (how are you & how do you feel) My dad said that he was riding the city bus and was thinking about Elijah and that he thinks that when the baby is born it will be a false alarm and that Elijah will be fine. He said," I just have that feeling that when the baby comes he will not have his brain out". He said, "your grandma is praying and I just think it's going to be a false alarm." I told him," that's what we pray too dad. That's what we want more than anything! BUT WE NEED TO BE PREPARED".
SO... ... ... so since that conversation I have had these thoughts running in my head:

WHY:

  • why is it so hard to explain whats happening?
  • why is it hard for some people to accept what I HAVE TO LIVE WITH EVERY MOMENT OF MY DAYS?
  • why do I feel so guilty when people don't understand why we are preparing?
  • why do I feel like people look at us as though we are preparing because we wish it to happen or don't have enough faith?
  • why Do I love when people ask how are you doing today? and ask about what they've read on the blog or whats the latest info from the dr. appt.
  • why do Me & Minn have to be so busy that we don't always have time to spend time together?
  • why do i constantly have spinning thoughts in my head?
  • why can't I concentrate?
  • why can't I just scream and wake up from this bad dream?
  • why do hugs feel so good but don't make it all better?
  • why do I love for people to know and ask/talk about Elijah?
  • why can't the doctors fix his head?
  • why can't these babies just survive( if we take real good care of them)?
  • why can't we plan things for this summer like normal?
  • why does it just tear my heart apart when activities are mentioned for this summer?

WHY WHY WHY? I know there aren't any answers I just wish there were:) REALLY I AM NOT HAVING A BAD DAY!!! I AM DOING GOOD ACTUALLY JUST A LOT OF QUESTIONS I know cannot be answered.

I've got to go! I need to wake Josiah for school. Steve took Kayla at 6:30 and will be here soon to take Josiah.



5 comments:

  1. Continuing to pray for you and your family. I am sorry that there are those that are having a difficult time accepting Elijah's diagnosis, you are wise to be prepared. Then you can spend ALL of your time with him while he is here!!!!!!!!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your heart. I'm praying for you and Elijah.

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  3. I struggle with so many of those questions myself! Thank you for sharing! You are an amazing family and I will be praying for all of you!

    Kristy in PA

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  4. All those "why" questions are normal because you LOVE Elijah. You will explode with LOVE when he arrives, even knowing that he will die. You will LOVE him for the rest of your life. It's what God has wired you to do as his mother. I am so thankful to have read a bit of your story--my heart aches with you.

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