Started out as a pretty calm morning :) Josiah came into our room at 7:30 today and got very entertained by a pile of laundry on our floor. Steve woke up to a quiet noise and he says it was Josiah putting socks on his hands and feet. Mom & Beth dropped by in the morning for a few minutes and then Steve & I took Josiah to school. We came back and I was feeling very strong and confident so I got my "Angel Babies" folder out and took them to my room and opened up my window to let the beautiful fresh air blow in as I made my calls. I called Pastor first to check with him on a few details, then called the funeral director. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't affect me, like if the beautiful breeze blowing through my bedroom window was going to BLOW AWAY any SAD EMOTIONS!!! Boy was I WRONG.
there went the rest of my day. I got allot of details and much needed information in order to prepare for saying our precious good bye. I was being so brave. Had it all together while I was on the phone. By the time I got through telling Steve all the details I was a MESS. I wasn't even able to pull it together enough to put Josiah down for his nap. Steve took Josiah into the room and layed with him. I went to the couch and cried... that was at 1:30 and Steve went to work at 2:45. I was still crying when he came to tell me he was leaving. That was one hour ago and I'm still a mess. I feel numb and disconnected. NOT TO MENTION HOW BAD I FEEL THAT STEVE LEFT TO WORK AND I WAS STILL IN A MOMENT.
I just feel like I can't connect. Like my emotions don't work right. I don't know, just feel so frustrated. Josiah is still asleep. I wish I could be more in control. I can't even express myself to the Lord right now. AND these thought keeps spinning around in my head...
"are we really going through this? are we going to make it? how does Steve really feel? is he tired of me always crying or being sad? Am I ever going to be really happy again? how is this going to affect Josiah?" TOO MANY MORE TOO KEEP WRITING. Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to bring back to my memory the days when I was so happy, frivolous and ignorant to all the pain in the world. BUT IT NEVER COMES BACK, NOT EVEN IN MY MEMORY.
ENOUGH SAID!!!
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Praying....
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your day turned out to be such a sad one for you. Please know that I am praying for you to get through and yes, you are going to make it with Gods grace and love and peace. I pray for your mind to be at rest and peace. He knows what is in your heart without you saying a word. He loves you.
ReplyDeleteLaurie in So. Ca.
(Tuesday) Praise God you made it through another day...know that I am praying all through out my day. Call me or email me, boss away till one...love you lots.
ReplyDeletePsalm 77 (New King James Version)
1 I cried out to God with my voice—
To God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah
4 You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5 I have considered the days of old,
The years of ancient times.
6 I call to remembrance my song in the night;
I meditate within my heart,
And my spirit makes diligent search.
7 Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
8 Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Selah
10 And I said, “This is my anguish;
But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.”
11 I will remember the works of the LORD;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
12 I will also meditate on all Your work,
And talk of Your deeds.
13 Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
Who is so great a God as our God?
14 You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among the peoples.
15 You have with Your arm redeemed Your people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 The waters saw You, O God;
The waters saw You, they were afraid;
The depths also trembled.
17 The clouds poured out water;
The skies sent out a sound;
Your arrows also flashed about.
18 The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
The lightnings lit up the world;
The earth trembled and shook.
19 Your way was in the sea,
Your path in the great waters,
And Your footsteps were not known.
20 You led Your people like a flock
By the hand of Moses and Aaron.
I know God is with you because you have come this far.. He is still with you even though sometimes we can't and don't want to talk to him.. he knows how your feeling.. you are going to get through this and when it is all said and done.. you will have passed another stone in your life and all it is going to to do is make you stand taller and more firm...
ReplyDeleteLove Elva
Marie You are going to make it you have come this far already!! God is still with you even though we don't want to talk to him sometimes he knows how you feel.. after you have passed this journey in your life you will be a stronger and even more firm on that rock that has crossed your path. And it will all be because of the little one and God and your side.. You are strong and will continue to to be...
ReplyDeleteElva
praying.
ReplyDelete