Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I woke up on and off all night last night. I kept dreaming about Elijah. Horrible dreams like he was born and I couldn't find him, We were having the funeral and I had no clue where he was, I was driving and driving looking for Elijah all over. (for those who don't know we live in an agricultural valley so from town to town we are surrounded by orchards and vineyards) so in this dream I was driving through vineyards and orchards looking for Elijah. I tried to stay off the computer early this morning because I thought maybe blogging would make me feel more raw. We've been up with Josiah since 6:45a.m and here it is 10:45 and I couldn't take it any more... I told Steve about my dreams. It just doesn't help. I guess I shouldn't expect anything can help. NOT ONLY AM I FEELING HEAVY HEARTED I FEEL SO SUPER SUPER GRUMPY okay I'll be honest I feel grouchy okay not honest enough I am so angry this morning!!!! EVERYTHING IS SO FRUSTRATING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to wake up from this so bad! I WANT TO STOP THIS CRAZY RIDE! I WANT TO STOP FEELING HOW I FEEL! i wish i could be normal again. normal? what is normal?

Yesterday at the doctors office there was so many precious baby's in car seats and I couldn't help but look at their little heads. THEY WERE CLOSED!! WOW! how amazing heads with no brain hanging out!!! their mommy's could actually hold them and switch them from one arm to the other. burp them. play with them by bouncing them up & down. all the things I took for granted with josiah. I had josiah and brought him home and even though it was during the busy holiday season we took him to my sisters for family gathering and everyone held him. everyone looked at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his ears, his tiny feet, his fingers but not once did I ever think WOW his head closed properly and his brain is inside of his head.
One lady asked me what I was having and I told her a boy. She said, "oh so you need to try for a girl next" I just smiled and said nothing. I had nothing to say. Then another woman with a tiny baby asked, "when are you having your baby?" I said, "in 2 months" her reply was a very normal one, she said, "OH ITS ALMOST OVER!!" those words just kept ringing over and over and over in my head and tearing my heart into a tiny billion pieces. Elijah has been so active yesterday and today and every time he moves I can't help but think "ITS ALMOST OVER" it hurts to hear those words. I know she knew nothing of what I am going through and it is very normal to tell a very pregnant lady "its almost over" but for normal pregnant ladies it isn't ALMOST OVER like for me for them it is almost over and just about to begin. For me I don't even know if i will get to hear my son cry, if I will get to give him a binki, if i will get to bathe him, if i will get to change his first diaper... ... ... ... ... ...

11:47a.m ... ... ... I 'm back I stopped for a good cry Steve came over and held me. Josiah came over and saw me crying with daddy and he ran to get his blankie and jumped into my lap and said, "feel better now mommy! feel better now." I held him and told him I was just sad because I'm going to miss Elijah and he said, "no mommy" no he jumped off my lap and took my hand tightly in his and said, "mere mommy, mere I hold you feel better now" so I went to the couch with my little man and let him hold me till he fell asleep . sweet guy!!

We are going to let Josiah sleep for a little since he's sick and then at 1:00 we have an appointment about what WE ARE PRAYING ABOUT. I'm not really in the mood but Steve says I need to get out. I feel so bad whenever I break down like this because he just wants so bad to "fix it" for me and he can't. It tears me apart to see the look in his face when he has nothing to say and just holds me and says, "its going to be okay" right now he just went outside to clean out the car so we can get going, as he walked out the front door he said, babe it's a very nice day, I'm going to leave the door open for you okay" He tries so hard to make me feel better I wish I could feel better!!!
I better go get dressed


  1. That is a really hard reality to live with. I know what you mean about people not knowing, so they really do say things innocently, but on the inside, you feel like your heart's being ripped out. My heart is heavy with you right now. I hope the Lord will give some measure of comfort today.

  2. It breaks my heart to hear how heavy hearted you are. I can't begin to understand the pain and anguish you are in.

    Please know that I pray for you daily.

  3. Oh Marie...I knew you were having a rough day, I could feel it. I wish I had words to comfort you but in times like these only God's word can get us through. I know it's not fair! I want to scream it right with you! Just like you have with me, when I'm going through things. But we must holdfast...HE IS YOUR ROCK, YOUR SHELTER, YOUR STRONG TOWER...YOUR REFUGE, STRENGTH AND COMFORTER.
    Remember the WORD the Lord gave us, though things seem shakey, keep your eyes on me, you will not fail you will not fall. He will get you THROUGH this.
    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.
    The LORD will give strength to His people;The LORD will bless His people with peace.
    Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,
    I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
    Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.

    Love you, know that I am praying...daily. xxooxx

  4. Praying for you today Maria, and I am so sorry that this is such a roller coaster ride of sadness for you. From all that I have read by following other moms facing similar loss, this is normal and I hate it for you. I only know of Susie and Joshua walking this same road and I admire her courage and honesty so very much. I found you on her blog and I hope you two are in touch with eachother. I know she knows what you are going through intimately. I am praying for you to have the strength for each day and to keep hope alive in your heart. I know your trust is in the Lord, no doubt about it, but it is so hard to be human and deal with all you have been dealing with. Please know you are on my heart and in my prayers daily.

    Love, Laurie in So. California

  5. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ go there! Love you!