update

Just taking a few quick minutes to say hello and that we are doing well. Pregnancy going well. The other day MoriahI see was over and she walked right up to me and gave me the biggest warmest, longest and most tender embrace ever..... as she put her precious little head on my shoulder I couldn't help but whisper into her ear, "OH I MISS YOUR COUSIN" and the tears just began to flow.


I cant believe how much I think of my Lijah EVERY time this wonderful little girl walks around my house. Every time I see her doing something new. Her beautiful smile.

Her and Lijah would have only been 3 months apart and OH HOW BUSY AND FUN it would be to see them both playing and laughing.

new baby news

16 week ultrasound shows preciously, perfect healthy baby!!! we found out what we are having but some of you have sent us emails saying to keep it a surprise so if you wanna know check us out on FB

FYI

just want to let all our BLOG BUDDIES know that we will not be renewing our internet service contract and it is up this week. I will try to check in on occasion at the library.
Because we will no longer be at home I will no longer be able to post pictures which includes the ULTRASOUND PIC'S we will get this Friday :(

* remember to pray for us friday (BIG ULTRASOUND/ IMPORTANT TESTS) & i hope I can get to a computer to let you all know if K, Si & Lij will be getting a baby brother or sister :)!!!!

SHINING BRIGHT!!! Pumpkin Gospel

THESE ARE THE FINISHED PRODUCT


For Some reason these pictures loaded backwards and I'm so tired I dont have the energy to sit here and put them in order :)


He was curious about shapes

MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!! She's trying out her make up for tomorrow
Daddy & kids carving
WOOO HOOO Check it out !! We got the tops off

This stuff is gooey said Kayla & Si says yeah its so goofy

Look @ mine mom!


We started out the evening by reading a wonderful story book called THE PUMPKIN GOSPEL. I purchased at Berean's Bible Store last year after christmas. I paid a whole .75 cents for this WONDERFUL book.
It talks about how we are similar to the pumpkin; full of 'mess up's or sins' but when Jesus comes into our heart he cleans us up takes away all our messyness then puts his light in us for all to see.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING!!!

we are getting closer to our appointment date.... I gotta admit I AM VERY SCARED!
I know that statistics say the chances of another 'cele' baby are almost none and I am thankful for that but then there is my age factor and the higher chances of having a baby with Trisomy something or other (they are almost all lethal) and that's what we are very afraid of.... another funeral.

And please, no comments like "God would never do that" PLEASE,,,
WE HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WITH A VERY DEAR FAMILY THAT HAVE 2 PRECIOUS BABY BOYS IN HEAVEN

I am so afraid. I am afraid of how I would just totally lose it or fall apart

Dr. Today

We had to make a 'special' trip to see the OB today. I was having some scary symptoms, which started on Sunday as soon as we got home from church. Steve put me on BED REST (ick) :)

Siah had to go with us because the timing on the appointment would not let us get Si from school on time.

I wasn't expecting them to do an ultrasound (again) but She wanted to make EXTRA SURE our little 'THUMBKIN' was okay.

Steve was holding Si behind that corner curtain and just as Thumbkin apeard on the screen Dr. V looks over behind the curtain and says, "COME LOOK" and Steve gets up and walks over to the other side of me and Siah is in his arms and Dr. V looks at Si and says, "see your little sister or brother is dancing the macarena".........
(we hadnt exactky told Si... what we HAD told him was that we were praying for mommy's tummy to be okay and maybe Jesus would put a baby in my tummy is all we had told him)

I looked at him and his eyes were wide and he smiled huge and said,
Si: Mommy, Jesus did it, he did put a baby in your tummy Dr. finded the tiny baby!!
Steve, Smiling huge at our dancing baby :) YUP!
Me: Yes! baby boy Jesus put a baby in my tummy
Si: Uhu!!! I knew He would do that for me!!! (HUGE, GINORMOUS SMILE)
Dr V: Oh WOW you prayed for God to put that baby in there?
Si: YUP, IT WAS ME!!!!
Dr V: Oh okay well now you can pray for God to bring me a million dollars (laughing)
Si: Uh ... Mmm NO! (very serious)

That was too funny, SO NOW WE DONT HAVE TO WONDER HOW or WHEN WE WILL TELL HIM ABOUT 'new baby'

So on our way home Si starts making a mental list of ALL the things 'thumbkin' will neee andWE DONT have like : baby crib, baby clothes and of course A MONIE!!! LOL!!!

Evaluating My Life...

So who am I, Who was I, Who am I supposed to be? These are just a few questions that keep running in my mind.
WHO AM I? I am a fighter. I do not give up, give in or quit.
WHO WAS I? I was a lonely single woman who had nothing of great emotional value or life's real worth, so I buried myself in my career because by that I measured my success.
DO I REALLY WANT TO TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME? No, absolutely not! WHAT AM I SERIOUS?!?!?! why did I ever let that thought cross my mind.
WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE? I am supposed to be the wife and mother GOD set me out to be the day I met my wonderful husband and my daughter.
I am supposed to walk in confidence that HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN ME WILL BE FAITHFUL TO COMPLETE IT. I am supposed to set my eyes on that High calling in Jesus Christ; a life of love, faith , hope everlasting a life of forgiveness and mercy, a life of complete surrender to His will knowing that if I seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness He will Add all that I have need of.
I am supposed to be confident in HIS plan for my life and the lives of my children and direction for my marriage.
I am supposed to believe HIS REPORT!
I am supposed to think on things that are lovely, virtuous and praise worthy.
I am supposed to BELIEVE THAT I AM MORE THAN A CONQUERER IN CHRIST JESUS and that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!
I am supposed to walk as a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD a peculiar people set apart.

ENOUGH, IS ENOUGH I KNOW WHO GOD INTENDS FOR ME TO BE SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO ALLOW MY DAILY CIRCUMSTANCES TO DICTATE AND ROB ME OF THE BLESSINGS I SHOULD BE RECIEVING THROUGH WALKING IN OBEDIENCE OF THE CALL TO MINISTRY IN MY LIFE!!

I need to stand up under these trials knowing that GOD has called me to minister life to a people who need him! Enough allowing the enemy to intimidate me!!! Come what may, MY LIFE IS TO HONOR HIM IN EVERYTHING!

We have been given much, We know that Elijah came to our lives for a very specific reason and we have recently lost sight of that. I must live in the fullness of THAT CALLING AND STOP allowing fear and finances or economy or people to paralyze my thought process.

Josiah has been blessed with the love and talent of playing instruments and We as his parents need to encourage that.

THAT IS WHO I AM!!!! a prayer warrior, a believer, and intercessor, a compassionate friend, A Godly Wife and Mother. I have been given the wonderful privelege of being a step mom which feels more like a real mom!
THATS ME!!!!

Unexpected Waves ...the pain that surges

It was 8:15 p.m. Siah was very tired and snuggling in bed. It has since been a little over 2 hours and my sweet boy is now starting to give in to sleepy eyes. He had been in bed for a short 15 minutes when I heard a very high pitched screamy cry. I ran to his room and as Steve came in right after me he turned on the light. Siah's eyes were filled with tears spilling down his precious little face. I hugged him and he pushed away and said, "we need to take Lijah something, I miss my Lijah baby" he held his throat with one hand and grunted, Oh mommy I dont know what to do? I am angry! Why Lijah had to go? How he will know I love him daddy?" then he breathed like a deep gasp then yelled, AaAAaaHHHHh! then he quickly covered his opened mouth and said, "what do I do? what do we do now daddy" I miss my Lijah baby!!!", "how do we give Lijah his monie, mommy?" [THE ENTIRE DIALOGUE WAS IN SOBS & TEARS]

(I have no idea how I managed to stay strong through this.... I did shed a very few silent tears though)

Steve went into our room and brought out Lijah's photo book and Lijah's memory box with his special hospital bracelets, a whisp of his hair, his shampoo and his monie.

We spent the whole 2 hours looking at pictures SIAH CRIED MORE!! and as he turned the pages of the photo book he asked, "WHY THEY DONT TELL ME MOMMY?" i had no clue exactly what he was referring to as we kept looking at pictures which start from July 9th for the 25 & a half hours all the way to the Funeral July 16th he was pointing at pictures and mentioning people who went to see "Lijah's cemetery"
then he asked if Daniel (singer @ church) went to see Lijah and I said um remember Daniel sang for Lijah and he nodded & answered a teary, "Daniel sang All creation I sing you are my everything and I will door you, holy holy holy is Lord God and mighty (The revelation song by hillsong??) then he almost named every one in church and as he asked if they knew his Lijah I pointed all the people out in the photo book.

After what seemed like FOREVER he agreed to let me tie up the bow on Lijah's memory box. Then we read the story that Kealoha read for us @ the funeral MOMMY PLEASE DONT CRY then we talked about heaven and then we read the book we were given by ANGEL BABIES - WE HAD An ANGEL INSTEAD.

Then he cried some more and insisted that Tia Berba "minn" should NOT have taken him away from YA-YA by Lijahs white crib. I tried to explain that Berba was loving him and holding him and I showed him the picture that Berba DID NOT take him away but that Berba held him to give Lijah a kiss. He began to cry even louder and said, "MOM BUT I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE" I DONT WANT LIJAH TO BE DIED, I LIKE HEAVEN BUT I WANT TO BE WITH MY LIJAH, MOM" and mom we should bring Lijah down but God dont let me to bring him and I dont hear the trumpet mom!"

I finally managed to get him to close the photo book and the story books but I could NOT CONVINCE HIM TO LET ME PUT LIJAH'S MONIE back in the memory box.

he asked me if he could please sleep with Lijah's monie, "please mommy I promise I will take care very good for Lijah's monie please"

So my sweet boy is sleeping with Lijah's monie, his black "rock"(electric) guitar he played at Lijah's funeral services and the Heaven story book.

But he would not fall asleep before calling, "MY YAY"(beth) on the phone to tell her how much he misses his Lijah real bad.....
* thanks Yay, & sorry u had to hear that so unexpectedly* LOVE U THOUGH!!!
THAT WAS I THINK BY FAR THE HARDEST THING I HAVE GONE THROUGH SINCE Lijah died. I mean back then we were very aware and expected to "feel" all that but today, today was a random day and aside from Si & I being feverish & chilled we were having a very good day!

I know I have been asked by some, "DO YOU THINK YOU OVER EXPOSED HIM AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE?" those people who ask that question obviously DO NOT KNOW HOW BRIGHT & VERY AWARE OF things Siah is. there really would have been no way to keep such a real part of our lives from him.

I have also been told that he picks up on the grief from US because WE HAVENT let[ it] go.... to those people I say obviously YOU have never lived 1 day in our shoes we do not press grief onto Si or K but it is a very real part of their lives just as well. We try to not let our children see us cry in excess but the tears are a real emotion we have.

Tonight was totally unexpected.

*HUGE SIGH*
I just wanna say a special thank you to all of you who have surounded us with love & prayers it has been such a trying year and a half. TO EVERY ONE IN OUR CHURCH WHO SURROUNDED US, TO YVONNE & THE ENTIRE HERNANDEZ FAMILY SIS ROSE for the food & Bro. Tony for the video & Motorcade service, Tina& Raquel Sorrondo, Samantha for singing, for Frank & Doug who stepped in and stood as pal bearers for Steve! Jimmy sor singing, Cassia for reading what I wrote, Allen for the beautiful plant that still blooms sitting on our front porch,ALL OF YOU I KNOW I should'nt have started mentioning names because so many of you made his life his memorial service SO PRECIOUS.

HYSTERIA - HILLARIOUSLY

HILLARIOUS!!!!!!! Siah just put on his gloves to go out & play in the dirt..... I was buttoning up his sweatshirt & he SCREAMS @ the top of his lungs "AHHHH MY FINGER FELL OFF" & begins to cry hysterically as he jumps around like... he has ants in his pants. I grab his hand (while laughing) and fix the glove & the 'missing' finger!!

Instantly he stops screaming and smiles as he wipes his dirty face (blushing) ;) and walks out to the back porch.

* I STILL CANT STOP LAUGHING!*

Birthday Celebrations

Josiah attended 2 very exciting birthday party's this summer. Since those parties he has been asking when we are going to make him a birthday party. We told him we were going to try to make him a birthday party. Steve & I have been thinking of making his birthday party on December 5th, because we have always had bad weather and almost everyone is out of town on December 27th.


I began making a birthday guest list. We can't afford to have a party at a kids restaurant or a kids party place so we are praying for 'decent' bearable weather :)

I was doing fine! I am the party planner in my family so I was starting to look around at dollar tree for any BOB the Builder stuff, haven't found any yet but I will keep looking.

Moriah is turning one at the end of this month, and I have been bugging my sister to tell me a theme so I could make the invitations and get things rolling.... ..... well, yesturday she finally gave me the details I was wanting.

I was making Moriah's invitations when IT hit me like a ton of bricks - My ONE year old didn't have a big celebration (not here any ways).

We (his parents) went to the cemetery, blew bubbles, sang happy birthday ... ... ... BUT IT WAS NO HUGE HAPPY OCCASION; it was very emotional & we are happy that he is in heaven BUT I miss my little son!!!

Yesturday was one of Lijah's worship Partner's Birthday's and I couldn't get her momma out of my heart.

Her Zoe Beth turned 2years old yesturday. So for my friend Lyndsay that means 2 years that she has had to live here on earth with a heart string tugging heaven bound.

So the other night Steve & I were walkig through K-mart and I noticed myself looking toward the 'baby' stuff. We were walking towards the pull ups for Siah and on one side was the cute baby items like car seats, strollers, swings & diaper bags and on the other side was 12 - 18 months "BOYS" pajamas... I felt like I wanted to scream, like I wanted to cry, I was angry, I was sad - I just about could feel Lijah in my arms 1 year ago but now all I had was this HUGE EMPTY heartache. I didn't get to plan his 1st birthday and I didn't get to purchase him any 'BIG' boy jammies.

I said nothing. ALL this was going on inside of me while Steve & Si carried on about random stuff. As we continued walking towards the pull ups Siah said, "Oh look mommy - one for me one for Lijah" pointing to a package of Bob the builder sippy cups. I smiled at him and couldn't say any thing we just kept walking.

I was glad to be out of that store, when we were done.

It was just so wierd how on one side of the isle I was looking happliy & hopeful to what we are expecting in May and in the same moment I was broken by what we were missing & had lost.

A GIVE AWAY, I AM ENTERING

This is my second giveaway I enter in Blog land. THIS POST is to make mention of Kristy's giveaway on her blog : www.boltebaby.blogspot.com [ON MY SIDE BAR UNDER ASHER & ISAAC]
Kristy is giving away a "miracle blanket" & I hope to win one for my blessing arriving in May!!!

* It is a special baby wrap that holds baby all nice & snug.... I WISH I HAD ONE FOR SIAH - HE REALLY NEEDED ONE I USED TO MAKE SPECIAL WRAPS OUT OF SHEETS FOR HIM :)

Kakie's Home!!!!!

We are so happy to FINALLY have our sweet girl home!!!! She was at her moms for 3 weeks in a row!

It is so amazing how COMPLETE we feel when she is home. Last Night we went to get some shampoo & Stuff from K-Mart and then came home and hung out JUST US DOUGLAS'!!!!

We talked & talked & giggled & giggled, Daddy mowed the front & back lawns and today after Siah's soccer game we are gonna come home and go for a swim!!!! crazy weather we got our (last) heat wave this week and it was 104!! *HOT! HOT! HOT! Today is only gonna be 100 but still hot enough to go for a swim :)

~I woke up missing my sweet 'Lijah, so much today! Moriah's 1st Birthday is next month... ... My sweet boy could have been running around this house and him & Riah could have been play partners. I WISH... and for those who commented that [this new baby] will take our minds off Lijah - UH, NOT!!!! We seem to think of him so much more, especially since he very well could have been playing with Siah, Kay(getting into all their stuff :-) and when this new baby comes he would almost be celebrating his 2nd birthday!!!

I think alot, of sweet friends who have been blessed by His giving and taking Just like us - I wonder ... ... How often their hearts have ached for their Heaven babies while gaazing into their new babies eyes.

WELL, GOTTA GO MY PRINCESS JUST WOKE UP :) I LOVE THIS GIRL beyond words!!!!!!!!!!

The 3 of us are TRYING to squeeze enough time with her in such a SHORT weekend!!!

*SO- LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING VACATION, Christmas and Easter week!!
cause right now I can't seem to pry these 2 apart. Siah wont put one toe out that door without Kakie! & I WANT GIRL TIME!!!! :)

Our Pandora's Box

The season is changing once again, With the new breeze blowing the chimes on our front porch and that very same wind blowing freshly washed towels and bedding on our clothes line in the back.

I stood in our back yard taking in the smell of freshly wet dirt from the first over night rain...

"if this is a brand new season, then why does this place feel So familiar? The pain in my heart, the reality of loss, questions running through my mind, overwhelming raw emotions.

I began to walk back up our back steps and to my right I see Elijah's Garden. The sky looks just like it did last year. My heart misses my sweet baby & I find myself in a day dream of what could have been. He would have ALREADY celebrated his 1st birthday, He would certainly be walking, actually he would be talking... ... IF he didn't have an ENCEPHALOCELE, IF he had only lived.

Is it possible to have a pain that will never fade, a pain that a smile or a laugh cannot erase.

Many changes have come our way. But none can take away what GOD chose to hand to US. We love in a different deeper way just because of 9 months of feeling him, loving him and wanting him and 25 hours and thirty minutes of holding him, watching him, hearing him all the while trying to find the strength deep within to say GOOD BYE.

In any second of any day I can close my eyes and I hear him, I smell him... So soft, so very warm - Your purplish- red 'CELE so heavy upon your tiny head, and heavy in my arms. Your little bare shoulders squared back as if you wanted to tell Me, "I'm okay mommy, I am okay"

Deep in my heart I knew, from the minute that I saw you, I knew we would not bring you home. I lived every single second of those short 25 hours and thirty minutes IN THE MOMENT.

In the moment I had you, In the moment we were together, In the moment there was no room for anything but Love... Beautiful, Honest, Pure, Sweet perfect Love!

Today is today. Same pain, deep deep inside my heart are the shattered pieces of my heart. A piece of my heart torn On February 13th, 2008 from knowing that despite your strong heart, your healthy organs and your perfect body; We would only wait till God decided it was the time.
On July 9th another wound to my already broken heart; despite all the prayer, all the faith, all the hope, I saw YOU brave sweet handsome you, perfectly fashioned by Gods hand, YOU. You were struggling to breath, you could barely grunt a few noises, You really couldn't cry BUT WE LOVED YOU & STILL WE wanted YOU.

25 1/2 hours later, July 10th 2008 our torn, broken, wounded hearts ripped with pain and a deep agony that only some have come to understand; As I fought so hard to keep my heavy tired eyes from closing because I wanted to see you take your last breath in my arms, And I did!

Now we begin this new season with a new hope and a new ache in our heart.
Finding out that YOU are going to be a Big Brother from that side of heaven is very bitter sweet.
I wish you could have been here! I wish you were going to be a Big Brother here, I hope that I have learned from whatever mistakes I may have made during the time I was carrying you. I hope to be a good mommy again, I hope I haven't lost in vain,

I hope WE (Me & Daddy & K & Si) will live up to whatever God is trying to do through us.

My heart is once again so mixed with deep emotion: Sad, Happy, Scared, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous.
Empty yet Full.

Before I found out "for sure" I was talking to a very dear friend I made because of YOU. I was telling her that I thought I might be pregnant and we began to share all the what if's that were spinning in my mind.

One of my biggest fears is LOVING & LOSING again. But I would do it ALL over again BECAUSE of You.

The next thing on my mind as I began to share with this very special & dear friend was a very deep concern. I am going to blog this very private thought because I hope that every person who reads this will stop & think twice before ever letting such silly hurtful words come carelessly out of our mouths ever!

I once heard a woman who had been through pregnancy loss in her own life, utter the words,
"I just wish she would miscarry" referring to another woman who was pregnant a few short months after having her 1st child.

Regardless of what marital, financial or spiritual status, I hope we can all remember that though well intended our words can sometimes cut deep and leave a scar. We are not the Author or Giver of life. Many times we think we see a mistake BUT only God knows the TRUTH of it all.

As our conversation unfolded I asked my dear friend what her thoughts were. She was honest in saying she was concerned and I am glad to have a friend like her in whom I have been able to confide in. She gives me strength to laugh, Courage to keep hoping & words of wisdom & encouragement that keep me grounded. I am blessed that you joined us along this journey.
*[you know who "you" are ;-) ]

This is our Pandora's Box another journey down this path set before us. We do not know what tomorrow holds but we know WHO holds all of our tomorrows & because He lives, We can face tomorrow.

The Handsome Stranger From My Past...

On Sunday June 27, 2004 I was standing in a sanctuary of about 1,000 people. We were all ready to begin a Worship service where we knew God would once again show Himself as; Faithful, Wonderful and Worthy.

I was in this particular service with my eyes fixed only on My Savior & My Redeemer because I had recently been involved in a very rebellious, ungodly, and painful relationship.

I was certain that I would not let anyone ever come between me & Jesus ever again!

I must admit, as the worship service unfolded I noticed a very handsome and friendly stranger standing right beside me. He was clapping and singing songs as if he was really enjoying himself!

With my pen, study journal and bible in hand I turned to the passage where Pastor Rod Haro preached about Gideon.

Once the service was over I noticed that the very handsome stranger was at the Alter.

This Handsome Stranger became my boyfriend on Tuesday, August 18th and we were married a wonderfully short 7 months later, Saturday March 5, 2005.

(he proposed to me in front of the entire church on the very Alter where he came to know Jesus)

THIS MORNING I SAW THIS VERY HANDSOME STRANGER STANDING IN FRONT OF OUR BEDROOM DOOR, AS I OPENED MY EYES AT 5:00 a.m. this morning!!!!
(I couldn't help but smile HUGE :o)

If you have been following this blog for any length of time you know we began blogging our daily journey as we travel through whichever storms, struggles, trials and triumphs that God upholds us through. This blog started after February 13th when we found out Elijah would be born in July of 2008 and all too soon leave us for Heaven.

Since that day we have been through so much!!!! Although this journey has been everything but a tip toe dance through the tulips. Our eyes haven't always seen too clearly what The Lord has in store. It hasn't all felt very soft and velvety BUT, WE KNOW HE IS WITH US. We haven't always felt Him!! BUT WE know HE has never left our side.

In His Timing and His Way and Through His People, we have been blessed. We were able to get our Jeep out of impound.

Today Steve started a side job for His Uncle. This morning I woke up and there in my bedroom door stood a very handsome stranger from my past. "Thank you Lord, for daddy's shoes for Tio Rey & Nina to give daddy shoes that work. And thank you Lord for the Jeep come out of jail AMEN!!!, JOSIAH PRAYED LAST NIGHT!!

Isn't it amazing what ONLY GOD can do!!! Steve looked so Handsome this morning. He smelled yummy too!!!!
Thank You Lord.

our life

Wondering how it is that we are supposed to "count it all joy"? Have come across people who are familiar with our struggles and they say "COUNT IT ALL JOY"(from the bible). Then there are the comments like, "GOD HAS A PLAN"

You see I was raised in church, my parents were Pastors. I accepted Jesus in my heart at the age of 8 yr. old. Lived all my childhood and my adult life (EXCEPT for 1 'rebellious' Year) serving in the church and having a very fruitful relationship with Christ.

NOW, what keeps running over and over in my head is that part in the bible that says: "AND THE CHILDREN WILL PAT FOR THE SINS OF THE FATHERS(parents).

My Siah is pretty much traumatized, too much stress and hardship for a little 3 year old!!

Last night we were going on a MOMMY& SON drive to wal-mart to get milk and he had $3.00 my mom gave him to but his NEW favorite "hot wheels"!

The light on the license plate was out, I got pulled over by a Police. I got a ticket for not having my current drivers license or the registration & Insurance in the car (the day we stood in the fod line the registration was the only thing we had with us as proof of address) and Steve had forgotten it was still in his pocket.

As soon as Josiah heard the officer say ticket He began "WHALING" I tried to comfort him and he said he was so scared. I told him it would be okay then The officer came and said, WE ARE GONNA TAKE THE CAR. The whaling started again(the officer didn't even acknowlege Josiah was scared... for all he knew I could have been an abductor & he didn't even talk to Josiah even after I told the officer my son is very scared and he has had a rough past year can you explainto him that Policemen are nice & just making sure everyone is safe? the JERK just shined his lihght in my face and said, UM YEAH than you maam for understandin my position NEVER looking at Josiah)

So now our JEEP is in jail ;) and we have to figure out how we are going to get it out cause it costs money. Monday is a holiday and Tuesday Steve is supposed to start his 1st day of work. Josiah has Pre-school picture day @ 8:30 in the morning!!! and his 1st scrimmage on Tuesday night before the BIG game on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEEE! I WONDER WHY I FEEL SO UNMOTIVATED & DEPRESSED?!?!?

Crystal Beaded Bracelets...

My heart was so heavy for Kakie's family. I wanted desperatly to do "SOMTHING" for them. I am so glad I have always been such a pack rat ;) about 8 years ago when I lived in my apartment, I had begun to collect scrap booking supplies. stickers, ribbons, beads, letter beads, glitter decals and paints & stencils & paint brushes. Every now & then I would let Kayla get into my box & let her make stuff. Last Christmas she got her very own Card Making kit & I had forgotte all about my BOX.

I found the most beautiful whitle glass beads and the perfect dangling red heart.... I was scrambling through the box cause I couldn't just send one bracelet for Kake how about her little sister Ashley?!?!

Thank God I found just exactly what I needed & this morning Steve went to meet Kakie & their fam to give Kay & Ashley the cutest rememberance bracelets and a card for each of them.

NOW, i am here at home with fancy little Moriah. She is sick & not allowed to be in "baby-college"

her moma is on her way from having court this morning.

Kito Ben took Moriah to the Dr. & I met him there to bring her home with me cause Kito-Ben has a dr. appointment.

I am truely blessed, to have family that always tries to pull together (FOR THE MOST PART) but we have our "moments" jsut like everyother family.

For now I am sitting in a SPIC & SPAN HOUSE doone by my sweet heart. He is with my mom @ a rummage sale & donation place then they will pick up Si & come home.

ME & Riah are just chillin in a cool -"CLEAN" living room listenining to lullabies!.

I ambeginning to wonder who likes lullabies more, ME or the kids????? I THINK ME :)

Our Kakie Is In Mourning......

We just got off the phone with our sweet girl! Her cousin just lost her battle with cancer. So much death that my sweet girl has had to face in such a short time period.

She will be staying at her moms again this weekend. I spoke with Janet and told her they would be in our prayers. Please pray for her Sister who is the mother to Bree (Kay's cousin).

Oh my heart just breaks for them all. She was a just two years older than our Kakie.

Also pray for Kay's grandma(Janet's mom).

There just aren't any words............ Oh what hardships my little Princess has had to endure.

And it keeps on comming...

So, for those of you who might be fed up with my recent postings.... .... ....PLEASE DON NOT READ THIS ONE EITHER cause it isn't any better than this whole past year. SO many other bloggers who have lost a child have such beautifully encouraging posts to share. Posts that uplift and build faith in the readers.

MINE, not at all it has been one thing after another after another and I seem to have less & less good to share than any one out there.
I CERTAINLY AM NOT POSTING TO GET PITTY NOR ARE MY POSTS INTENED TO MAKE MY BLOG FRIENDS THINK I AM ASKING FOR A HAND OUT
* i just wanna say whats on my mind:
We got NO CHECK from the welfare in the mail today! put in our last $ 2.00 in gas to get SI to school. Went to pick him up and we ran out of gas about 2 miles from home. I know 2 miles is nothing BUT it was long & hot for Si.

When he asked me why we were stopping, I said, "the gas is running out" he immediatley prayed, "thank you Lord for our gas dont run out amen" (Silent tears flowing down my face under my sunglasses)
I put the jeep in park and afterabout 1 minute he said, "okay mom lets go cause its hot"
when I told him what run out of gas means, he started crying really loud and then I said baby we are okay we will just go for a walk and he cried out I dont want are jeep to die. I unbucked and said baby our jeep is not dying we just gotta get money and put gas in it and then it will turn on. SO I took him out of his car seat and with a furroughed brow and a deep sigh he said, "LORD YOU NO GOOD NO MORE". I hugged him and i said baby maybe Jesus just wants us to go for a walk & hear the birds. We wiped away his tears and then Like a little man he said, "mom make sure all the doors are locked".
We walked home facing the sun and I made it as fun as I possibly could by singing songs, counting trees, cars and "reading" signs we passed(not letting him notice me wipe my tears).

His tiny little legs were so tired(after a busy day at preschool) I carried him whenever I could but he is getting so big now.

The hardest part was when we passed Mc donalds andhe said mommy lets go play I said not today baby then about a block further we passed the donut shop, subway, chinese, the smoothie store and he just looked up at me and asked, "no money huh moma" with a huge knot in my throat I managedan Mhhuh eith a nod and about three blocks further very close to our house we were right in front of a mexican restaurant that we have gone to onvery special ocasions and he said, "momma i got a good great idea - we should go on a date and tell daddy to dont have a fever and we could have a date and eat chips & salsa and you & daddy can eat a PEPSI, we should! you want to momma" I said no baby daddy is sick and its too hot out hear and he said, "momma and we don't got no money for gas or for a date huh moma cause Lord say no"

I picked him up one last time and said, " baby lets count how many numbers till we cross this big street" "we ran across the street in 18 - 7" he said! I put him down we were all sweaty and hot and now daddy had to get up and walk back to get the jeep & pray that $1.65 in change will get the jeep home.

Oh and we had a deadline for a "certian bill" and we got it extended till today at 5:30 and now I know we will lose that too!

And I'm sure it will keep on comming.... rent, soaps, toilet paper ... all things we have no money for not to mention gas for transportation

I was so proud of Steve though when I told him what Josiah had said he called him from his room and picked him up into his arms and sat on the couch with him and said, "son - you know how you prayed for the jeep to not run out of gas? (si nodded) Well son daddy wnats you to know thet The Lord is ALWAYS good baby boy its just that He was probably busy sending miracles to other people son. YOU know how we always get miracles and blessings and He always helps our prayers well maybe today was someone elses turn son. BUT HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND HE IS GOOD! Si said, "okay dad but he should have helped us today because today we dont have gas & no more quarters" Yes son but HE IS HELPING US OKAY steve said. " okay dad I understand"

I was in the kitchen making up somthing for lunch and I just had to smile
I TRUELY DO HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!!! we are blessed

HUMBLE PIE

Steve & I stood in a food bank line for 6 and a half hours today. We made ourselves useful & collected plastic water bottles to recycle for a little bit of cash. Once Josiah was out of school we made it into a game "collecting & counting empty water bottles".

He behaved so well!!! My sweet boy. All the while there was a girl in front of us, pushing a stroller with her son, named "Elijah" who was born on July 10th.

I cannot begin to say how many times I was asked is he(referring to Si) your only child? Only to be followed by comments like, "AWWW you are so mean! he needs a little brother" or, "you don't like kids? is that why you just have him?

LIFE IS PAINFULLY CRUEL sometimes and for us it has been for quite some time now!

So today we had our full helping of humble pie!!!

*(since I have already received several emails asking how it is we have internet if we are in such a financial bind; to answer that question once and for all - we have internet because it came with our TV service on June 11th when the digital transition took place. AT THE TIME I STILL HAD A JOB SO I TOOK THE DEAL, but our utilities are being shut off one at a time and very soon I will not be blogging or getting on Face Book. hope that satisfies the curious questions :)

Oh and just in case you were wondering YES, STEVE IS STILL "looking" for WORK.
and NO I don't think we are mismanaging our finances, cause we don't have finances :)

BUT for those of you who see us on a day to day basis WE WILL KEEP THE SMILES ON OUR FACES & NOT bring up our saddness of missing Elijah "because, WE ARE BLESSED" and we wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.....

"HOW DEEP, GODS TOUCH"

"T'is so sweet to trust in Jesus... HARD, yes VERY HARD & PAINFUL TOO! (in the flesh) but so sweet & refreshing to our souls when in the middle of the raging storm we hear Him whisper softly "I AM"! AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE....

I am about to share something I was going to keep to myself, but I truley believe with ALL my heart, mind & soul that SOME ONE NEEDS to hear this:

Some of you may know what I am about to share to a more personal level but for THE MANY who DO NOT know "HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH"here it goes:

I have been so transparent (maybe too much at times). I have written ALL my frustrations, my hurts, almost every emotion.

so this is to share what I have just learned through prayer time (just now)...
Steve & I are on this blog because, on Feb 13, 2008 we found out Elijah had an illness that would take him way too soon. I never knew that morning "HOW DEEPLY GOD'S TOUCH" would come upon our lives and change forever the course of our lives in every way.
With that news I became so devastated, although I remained strong fro quite some time. My prayer life changed, my faith changed, my marriage changed, the way I viewed things changed, my kids changed, my friendships & family relationships changed. Soon it all began to become evident in every area of our lives that GOD was doing "something BIG", something painful yet so precious.

You all know this road has been so hard (to put it mildly)
BUT TONIGHT!!!! Tonight during a moment of intimacy with MY LORD, MY SAVIOR, MY JESUS.... He revealed to me "HOW DEEP, GOD'S TOUCH".

See YOU ALL have read that we are in such a deep, desperate financial crisis!
THE AMAZINGLY, WONDERFUL NEWS is that tonight, as I was laying with 'Siah and praying he fell asleep. I wept before GOD, in my spirit & HE GAVE ME A GLIMPS of "HOW DEEP GODS TOUCH"
I am not saying IT is all PERFECT! On the contrary; because

• Steve is still getting really great job leads with high recommendations, Almost a guarantee by people who do the hiring! AND YET, no job!! = "HIS TIMING"!
  
• I am dealing with an overwhelming load of emotions that it has started to inhibit my ability to function to my fullest capacity in many areas of my life = ???
• 'Siah is processing and dealing with the reality of DEATH at such a young age = ???
• Kay is dealing with our sitaution, and having quite a difficult time doing so (on top of "THIS" she also has an entirly different life she lives at her moms & by the way her little cousin is fighting cancer *(PLEASE PRAY FOR JANET'S NIECE) = ???
  
• Our marriage of only almost five years has endured so much stress, grief & heart ache that I often wonder HOW we are still woven so tightly together!= "HIS WILL"
• This house we are in is a miracle in itself because we have been behind on our rent for so long now that IT IS ONLY BY HIS MERCY that we still have a roof over our heads and a home in which our K & 'Si are able to sleep safely. I pray every night & morning for God to Please touch our landlords heart so that he doesn't come to give us another notice & we still don't know if tomorrow morning we get it but for now we have a place = "HIS MERCY"
• Our transportation situation is, a plain miracle of God that it is still mobile and how it passed smog is beyond me. = "HIS PROVISION"
• Our utilities are being paid by the income I am able to bring in, but I have been on a medical leave for 2 weeks = ???
• In Kay's very own words to us last night with tears all over her precious sweet face, "but it is one thing after another and on top of those things more stuff and more stuff just keeps piling up on us and we are all so hard! It is so hard" = PAIN for us because we have no answers

But tonight, Tonight I was given some kind of hope, of truth that I can't even seem to fully comprehend myself & as I try to explain it I just can't say it plainly and I know my grammer is just horrible but, I MUST write how, I KNOW that ALL that we have gone through, all that we don't have, all that we have lost; GOD IS, THE I AM! just like it says in the bible.

GOD HAS TOUCHED OUR LIVES SO DEEPLY and for this and through this we will be renewed and He will restore to us the Joy of our first love! He will make a way where there is no path, He is mighty to save, He is with us in the valleys, His Touch will keep us, His love is amazing!!

*I will not fear of tomorrow for you are with me your rod & your staff they comfort me.
* In my weakness You are strong.

Thats all :D much love to all of you who continue to love & support us with your kind words on this journey & I am anticipating how else Christ will prove himself so real in the lives of my children, my husband and myself!
HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH = ? or !

Josiah's 1st day of school

Here is a picture of Josiah, on his 1st day of school!
this is the school office I used to work in when I met his daddy. I worked here until Josiah was born.

So having 'Si go to school here is like taking him to an extended family's place cause I worked with all the teachers & staff from 1999 to 2006 :)

My only "real" concern is that (HE WILL BE SO COMFORTABLE & FAMILIAR WITH THE SCHOOL & ALL THE STAFF THAT HE WILL FEEL SO FREE TO WANDER AROUND CAMPUS)

through the eyes of my Pre-schooler!

My heart is so heavy..... (so what's new?) It seems like right when I take a step forward then its one or two in the opposite direction.

My heart is so heavy for my precious 'Siah.....

He has been playing "DIE" alot these past four or five days & talking about "SPECIAL CRIBS", "HEAVEN", "SEE GOD", and making us all take turns "DIEing".

He asks very politely and pleads that we (me & K) play with him. Steve is WAY SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE with this and Kakie is a little bit too, but we (she & I) follow along with him because the grief counselor told us that this is his way of processing & dealing with his grief.

It just hurts and is very hard for me because it feels so Sad & even makes me a bit angry(too be quite frank); WHY? there's that question again... The question with no "real" answer or no answer that really helps me out! WHY US? WHY MY BABY? WHY MY 'SI & K? why??!?!?!?

Cause, "you guys are so brave"; cause, "God knew you could handle it"; cause, "some one else needs you to understand them";

JUST SO NOT FARE, I wish we weren't going through this. Wish I was busy with a 1 year old and tugging him along to take his big brother to his 1st day of school. BUT instead GOD SAW FIT that my 'Si & my sweet, precious K deal with a whole lot of DEATH!! and I have no 1 year old & 'Si & K have no baby brother(HERE)!

* HUGE KNOT IN MY THROAT AND TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE(again)!! and my two little blessings are sleeping together... just the 2 of them cause their bubba is in heaven.

tonight - 'Si said, "kayla, lets die together and I be with you" he jumped on the couch with her and they both closed their eyes then 'Siah screemed out, "GOD!!! oh, GOD I MISSED YOU!! WE ARE HERE GOD!!!"
Kay joined in (laughing and saying GOD we are here and she was going on and on repeating the same thing) then out of no where he got off the couch very matter of fact and said, "okay- mom we are down now. Kay, no more GOD, lets color"

STEVE hates for him to play this but that lady told me to let him feel safe to express himself that it is healthy for him.

UGGGGHHHHHHH, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Day At A Time...

trying to live & breath just one day at a time

JANAE & TATA & Logi

oh my girls!! I LOVE YOU TOO SO MUCH!! sorry we didn't pick you girs up on the week we told you but Uncle Steve's dad passed away. I dont have your mom number babies BUT WE MISS YOU ALOT you girls can email us at stv.mre@ gmail.com When do you guys go back to school?
Oh girls you made me smile tonight!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS & LOGI BEAR TOO!!

STRUGGLING

so tired of the climb!!! life is so hard! so unfair! & yet has such sweet, sweet moments; just that today for some reason is just plain TUFF!

Steve is still not working! I had a Pastor tell me to coninue to
~TRUST in The Lords DIVINE plan for our life~

But it is just bothering me that people (my brother) is talking about steve, "WELL IF STEVE WOULD JUST GET UP & GET A JOB......."

why is it that the SWEET RREASSURING WORDS seem to fade so easily & yet the negative leaves a lasting sting that just lingers on and on.

Being broken just doesn't "feel" good! I guess I should think of how my Lord felt while taking "MY" punishment on that cross!

"LORD BE MY STRENGTH TODAY"

July is almost over

Kayla was at her moms house for his B-day.

WE BLEW BUBBLES & SANG HIM A VERY TEARFUL "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 'LIJAH"

Mom & Minn & Maddie came out, It was way too hot for Beth to come with 'Riah

July is almost over and the weather is starting to change.... to autumn weather OKAY NOT THAT MUCH, but the night skys are looking orangier(if thats even a word)

and I am still trying to be whoever I am supposed to be now - 1 year later.

ITS NOT AN EASY ROAD AT ALL & I COMPLETELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "HIS" PLAN (right now).

We are living everday as best as we can. We have good days but then there are some VERY HARD days!!

HAPPY 1st Birthday!!!

~Memories~

If we could have a lifetime wish

A dream that would come true,

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

FOr yesturday & you.

A thousand words can't bring you back

We know because we've tried...

Niether A thousand tears

We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

And Happy Memories too...

BUt we never wanted memories

We only wanted you

(unknown)

Our hearts are so painfully torn.

We know the truth of heaven but it just doesn't

give us YOU!

We wanted to see you crawl, walk, roll

We wanted to sing Happy Birthday to You

I wanted you to say Mama

Josiah wanted to have a bubu to play with

Kayla wanted to hold you more & more

Daddy wanted to carry you upon his shoulders.

WHY? you had to go.... I just don't know!

My life will forever be changed because there was you.

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

IT JUST HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY???????
and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!?!?!

I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

Friday we celebrated 4th of July. We had friends & Family over for a BBQ. Saturday morning we had to take Kakie back to her 1st momma's. Steve stayed home to RELAX... He worked SOOOO hard getting the house ready for company.

There is an Old Fashion Country Store on the corner of Jensen & Clovis Ave. Called Simonian Fruit Co. the outside is decorated with all kinds of early 1900 agricultural farming equipment including an old 1900 crank up Mac Truck.

Growing up in the Central San Joaquin Valley & not being a boy; I guess I have taken that place for granted. During October it serves as a pumpkin Patch with a hay ride and all. During December it serves as a tree farm including Christmas carroling and hot cider.

I guess other than those two holidays it was not an eye catcher for me but Josiah on the other hand has noticed this place more than once as we pass it on a weekly basis to take sister home.

We had just dropped K off with her mom and as we drove out of the parking lot 'Siah asked, "Momma please can we go see all those tractors & trains?.... some day momma?"

As the light turned green, without answering him a single word I turned and went into Simonian Fruit Co. Parking lot. He squeeled with excitement, "TODAY? MOMMA?!"

We got off and I let him lead the way! We were there for WELL OVER 1 and a half hours. We went into the old Red caboose and explored and took pictures, he got on a 1898 Harvester, he left absolutley no piece of equipment unexplored. then we went inside the country store and looked at the model train that goes around the entire store.

By the time we left he was covered in grey from all the dust on the farm equpment he tried out!

I had left the camera at home notthinking we would be doing anything - so I had to take pic's with the phone my dad gave us; so now I just gotta figure out how to get those from the phone :)

I AM SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A MOMMY & 'SIAH DATE!!! (It had been since April that I started working that I had not had any 1 on 1 quality time with him)

I miss him so much!!! I might just be emotional cause Elijah's 1st B-day is this Thursday but everything is making me cry.

BUT I AM HAPPY BECAUE OF A WONDERFUL WEEKEND & I KNOW GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US through this weekend comming up!

THRILLED!!!

Beth (ya-ya) & Tony took my kids since this morning for a Nina & nino date :) they were supposed to go watch ICE AGE @ 2 O'clock this afternoon. Steve just called. It is 4:30 and Tony called him to tell him the kids would be late because they are just now going in to see the movie!!
WOOOOOO WHOOOOO! do you know what this means!!!
#1 a quiet ride home :)
#2 a good 30 minutes to talk to Steve UNINTERUPTED!!!
#3 I will be all relaxed by the time the kids get home :)

I'm such a simple girl to please!!!

Blah!

just feeling blah, sorta draggin and heavy hearted. It hasn't even been 1 year since we had Elijah nad now Dad, Ugh! I talked to my dad last night he had been worried about us. I am having these real wierd moments of PANIC about who's next!!

AND this economy is way out of wack too! Steve still can't find a job and this is fruit harvest season - we have all kinds of people picking fruit YET NO JOB for HIM!

I believe in faith but I think my faith is running on fumes right now.

our welfare check was cut as well as so many other things here in California, and we were just starting to feel like we were climbing out of this hole. IN MY HEART I AM SCREAMING 'I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE'

It has been one storm after another, after another and then they just keep comming!!

I know we are blessed but our landlord can only wait so long!!! and every 30 days a new rent is due. we have been giving him weekley payment s to try to catch up but it seem like we are sinking in quick sand.

I told Steve last night, "you know I just want to give up" and he looked at me and said "okay we give up and do what?"

I dont know but I sure am tired of always living on the verge of losing it all!!

I SURE DO NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS & hugs would sure be nice. Steve asked me to take the kids to my sisters so he could have some time alone. HE IS SURE MISSING HIS DADDY.

Back at work

I had been off Since Friday, making arrangements for Dad's services. It all went well - Now I am just TRYING to get back in the swing of things here at work. I'm not very motivated today but it could just be that I'm tired. The services were a beautiful tribute to Dad.

I'm now 36 years old (YIKES!) my b-day was a bit un- celebrated & Beth forgot to call me :(LITTLE TURKEY!!!!)

Kayla read a poem at Papa's memorial service & Josiah decided to NOT sing or play his guitar in front of A WHOLE BUNCH OF crying strangers who he had never met.

This is why you should NEVER depend on a 3 and a 1/2 year old 'musician' as part of the program for something like this cause they tend to run on their OWN schedule. l.o.l

'Lijah has his Papa by his side

'Lijah's Papa is home now. 'Lijah's head stone came in. They will be setting it in on Monday..My b-day. (too bad I gotta be at work).

Kakie & 'Siah's Papa

We took the kids in to see Papa. Josiah sat on Papa's bed and played his guitar and sang him Dad's song. Kake squeezed me tight as the room filled with tears. She was very upset (angry) that her Papa had to be so sick and she was not accepting things well at all!! I am SOOOOOOOOO greatful that Janet allowed us to pick her up and bring her with us. they took all life support off at around 4ish and we were told he would only take 10 breaths and then pass.

It is almost 16 hours and Papa is still breathing ON HIS OWN!!!! Dad is not only a fighter but a very prideful, stubborn old man (said with lots of LOVE), and I know he is DETERMINED to do things HIS WAY!!!!! :)

Just got off the phone with Steve, Dr. just called to say they are SO SURPRISED!!! becasue Dad is doing so well that they are putting him in his own regular room AND that there is a chance he might get to go home with hospice care.

PLEASE pray MY day goes by fast I'm tired, tired, tired!!!

Papa is on his way to heaven too :(

Dad (Steve's dad) has been in the hospital since Friday. He had a massive stroke and has continued to have them since. Steve just called me at work and told me to leave early.

Josiah said, "Papa is on his way to heaven to be with 'Lijah"

PLEASE keep us in your prayers

Kayla will be so sad. Sweet girl

It's getting closer

it's getting closer to my sweet Elijah's 1 year!!

We have had to keep moving forward... somthing that felt so impossible;
just happened - TIME has passed.

This weekend we were at the hospital with my Father in law. He had a stroke. As we walked around the hospital in and out of the elevators and back & forth to the cafeteria, Kayla kept holding my hand and as we would pass a certain spot she would give my hand a squeeze and whisper, "mommy, thats where we sat when 'Lijah was born" or Mom - this is what I ate when 'Lijah... went to heaven" or " mommy we took this elevator up to see you riht before 'Lijah was born and we were in a big hurry; but except you & daddy weren't with us"

My sweetheart. She is so worried about her Papa.

Still can't decide what we are going to do for 'Lijah's heaven day...

MONTHLY

I'm feeling VERY 'hormonaly,womanly, roaringly moody'
I feel like I just wanna cry.
My mom is undergoing some medical tests she has been very sick for a few weeks. Medical testing scheduled for Friday morning (pray for her).

I DON'T WANNA BE A GROUCH! I would really covet your prayers.
"MY ADORABLE CHILDREN & HUBBY WOULD TOO" (I am certain of that)

If any one knows of some good anti-, bloating cramping mood rememdy PLEASE FEEL FREE TO drop me a line :)

Kay & 'Si are having a blast at home. Seem's Steve has turned our house into 'DADDY FUN CAMP' :)
(Beth's girls are over for a few days)
I gotta remember to brign the camera to post pic's

I LOVE IT !!

I love the new look on my 'Lijah's blog :)
thanks for all your work Lyndsay
So I gotta share my new love & passion for turtles:
(I had been dealing with a tugging in my heart for turtles since Oct or Nov)
I had no idea why just that every time I saw a little turtle picture, figurine, etc. I felt a fuzzy warm feeling in my heart about Elijah. The only thing I could put together was how passive our 'Lijah was.

Well, just last week I read a beautiful article about sea turtles... how the momma's swim against the curents and waves to get onto the shore to work feverishly to make a nest where their baby turtles can be born. Once the baby turtles are born they must take a chance to get back into the safety of the ocean, passing the dangers that lurk on their journey ie. crabs, people, birds of many types. At the end of the article it says how once at the bottom of the ocean they have reached thier eternity.

Our 'Lijah reached his eternity :)

I had never read such an amazing article but it sure touched my heart, in such a beautiful way.

AGAIN THANKS LYNDSAY for fixing up my page :)

BLOG QUESTION

okay so I did a little researching and I was trying to give our blog a face lift(make over) you might say- SO I did what I remember some one telling me a while back.... I went to cutest blog on the block. I CAN'T figure out how it works. I typed the words
cutest blog on the block.com and it takes me to this purple flashing stars page, then there is a window that says click here to start, so I clicked. It asked me to register and then all these wierd questions came up about personalizing my computer tool bar and adds for google.

Steve & I are trying to get it to look a bit more colorful, chappier and ready for 'Lijah's 1st birthday. So On cutest blog on the block it says you can customize and add pictures so we have tried it several different times to see if we don't get that message but it still does

Is that what you all went through to make your blog look so cute?

REFRESHING - FRIENDSHIPS!!!

Last night, after Ladies Prayer; I drove up to find my two guys outside under the beautiful breezy night watering our front lawn. We all sat on the porch for just a minute then Josiah said he was tired(he had a long day-no nap).

Steve continued his gardening (moonlight gardening- he loves to do that!!!)

After showering and getting ready for bed. I was so relaxed, I sat on the couch and did some journaling :)

After a few pages, I climed into bed [with the phone!] I got all cozy and called Cindy. We talked and talked and talked for hours (just like old times). At one point Steve came in and just smiled as he walked right back out(he heard me laughing all the way outside).

We ended up staying on the phone til a bit past mid-night!!!(thats late for me)!!!

talking to her was so refreshing. Don't get me wrong we still see eachother at every church service. But we hadn't talked like that for a very long time!!! IT WAS SO GOOD :)

Chris (Cindy's son) is getting so big now. He has his own car. drivers liscence. I know that if he read this he'd probably get all shy cause he's a "cool" kinda kid.. I mean "GUY"! but I remember when he'd sleep between me & Cindy when he was 5 years old & they would spen the night. I remember when we had to make up math problems to entertain him (YES HE's 'SMART TOO') Poor kid talk about being exposed to real "girl drama" at such a young age. He would sit in the back seat as we would drive around and talk " ABOUT GUY DRAMA" and Cindy would "always tell him "you better not ever do 'that to a girl' ('that' being whatever one of us had just experienced with heartbreaker) I remember when we all still called him CRIFFER not much these days - He's all grown up now. But he's a good boy :) very polite, very sweet, playes guitar, hes' on the worship team and he sings in a band too.

He has grown up so much and he has shown so much care towards our family these past two years. I was thinking about how whenever we found out about Elijah he came with Cindy in the middle of the night to just sit with us.

I am sure Proud to have him as my friend/"nephew" :)

So thats what has been on my mind this morning; because of SUCH a refreshingly fun conversation last night.

I say it's time we go for another on eof those drives except this time Criffer will be the driver!! YIKES and I'm the one in the back seat losing my teeth!!! l.o.l
[He lost his 1st tooth in the back seat of our car while driving home from taco bell]!!!

I feel so much PEACE

11 months...

My sweet 'Lijah was in my arms 11 months ago today at exactly this very moment. Mom called me this morning to see how I was feeling. She was thinkinf of our sweet 'Lijah.

I was sick all weekend with the flu & did not come to work yesturday.

Friday evening was quite eventful as far as "blessings" go.

A few months back I had written that my cousins baby had passed away. We ended up NOT going to the services... (long story short)

It was during that week, that we came in contact with The funeral director who handled our 'Lijah's funeral. During our brief conversation(remember the horrible incident with his secretary!) Our conversation that day was brief, but one of the first things He mentioned was that his secretary was no longer working at his funeral chapel and that she infact had moved out of State. (skipping forward)

Remember the people who took the deposit on 'Lijah's head stone went bankrupt. So my sweet boy still has no head stone/marker!!! [frustrating]

(skipping forward) We are comming up on our baby's 1st birthday! No head stone!!! I was having a SUPER hard time with that!! I remembered We had started a file for his stone with Brian so I called him (SKIPPING FORWARD)

Friday We met with Brian and He is giving us the best birthday present for our 'Lijah!!!!
His head stone is being made for us FREE OF CHARGE!!!!!

Oh I miss my baby boy! I can't explain the HUGE VOID in my heart and the emptiness in my arms! 11 months have passed since I held your soft warm body in my arms. I never got to see you roll over, cut your first tooth, sit up or hold your arms out to me!

But I am so glad Kayla & 'Siah got to hold you! even if I was too groggy to remember to take a family picture we all do have at least one picture with you.

Friday night 'Siah was talking about your house in heaven. We read the book "mommy please don't cry" His favorite page was the one where the story says their is lots of party's with the best chocolate cake ever!

Josiah wants us to have a birthday cake for you!!! I wish you were here sweetness!
I am glad to know that even if we are not together for your 1st birthday at least I know your not all alone!!! & I am comforted to know that heaven is a wonderful place.

Mommy's boss gave me your birthday & your heaven day off as holiday!! & we intend to spend it together with family & CELEBRATE YOU in our lives!!

Boys will be boys!!

Here is a little story of what I just realized I will NEVER have to worry about with Elijah.
I was e-mailing a friend who had asked about how Josiah is doing. Here is a bit of that e-mail:

seems Josiah might be going through the terrible 2's AGAIN or still or in SLOW MOTION or something or maybey its just a boy thing! I don't know but some of the things he says and does OH MY GOSH it's driving us CRAZY!! last night he was playing with his Thomas trains and one of the tracks did'nt want to connect right to the other and he said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" and I said, what and he looked at me and said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" I asked him what that meant and he said, "means I am mad cause it no working right - BOKEN RABBIT! Steve & I looked at eachother and wondered if in fact he WAS saying what we thought he might be trying to say.
Steve: Where did you hear that?
Josiah: at school!
Steve: who says that?
Josiah: nathaniel, jacob, lucy and all my friends!
Me: what does it mean?
Josiah: means we are mad cause for things don't work and we say Broken rabbit!
Steve: Josiah I think maybe thats not what your friends are saying and they might be making Jesus sad for trying to say what they hear
Josiah: WHY?
Me: Josiah I think maybe they are copying their mommy's & daddy's and are saying DAM IT (thats what people say when they are mad cause something doesn't work)not rabbit and I think maybe they are saying god Dam it & you think they are saying broken rabbit, but god dam it is not nice to say.
Josiah: oh, okay.

Aye! and he is at a christian school!!! Oh ... just makes me cringe! I don't want him to learn all that stuff!!! and I'm not even sure we handled it right!

Fiberglass!!!! "SUMMERGLASS"

Last night or yesturday evening..... Steve was helping Beth & Tony move into their new apartment. The last thing to be moved was the HUGE refrigerator UP the stairs into thier apartment - YES, UP stairs- a HUGE side by side refrigerator!!

Anyway, Josiah & I stayed home. We were sitting on the porch. Josiah was playing with a broken shovel; which I thought was wood- so I told him to put it down. He was trying to "work" like his daddy - so I thought 'well I am wathcing him what could go worng?' WRONG thing to ask!!!!!

The stupid broken shovel was not wood but plastic(fiberglass)!!!

YUP! you can all just imagine the rest of the evening - It was awful, I rushed him into the bath and thought that would be the end of that - but NOPE! he started getting all puffy, red & swollen.

We called poisen control & they told us to rub him down with vegtable oil (HE HATED THAT!)
then we put him back in the shower then dried him (all the while he is still screaming/crying)
then we tried the next thing poisen control told us to do: we covered our child (our crying, irritated, tired child) in BIG tape not duct tape but packaging tape.

Nothing was working and then Steve asked me if I had prayed for him (JOSIAH IS STILL CRYING & SCREEMING, " I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS - TAKE IT OFF OF ME! TAKE THE SUMMERGLASS AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! ITCH ME MOMMY! NO YOU ITCH ME DADDY! RUB IT OFF! RUB THE SUMMERGLASS OFF! NO DONT DO NOTHING! I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS") so do you get the picture!!!!!!!

In the middle of his crying he looks at me and calmly says, "momma please call my pastor marty" (him & Pastor Marty are "special friends") so we called him and asked for Pastor to pray for Josiah - (I guess our prayers weren't working).

Pastor was in the middle of his family dinner time, but agreed to get KEaloha & Keoki, Mona to pray for Josiah. I had justt hung up and the phone rang... It was Pastor calling to give me another remedy we might try - panty hose!

I hung up and Josiah is still crying and asked, "who called, momma?" I told him what Pastor said to do and he got a HUGE grin (with a snot filled puffy red face covered in tears). He said Pastor had summerglass too!?!?!? (thrilled- cause he loves to be just like Pastor).


So we did the panty hose thing and IT ACCTUALLY WORKED!!!!

We were able to tuck him into bed and as he was dozing off he looked up at us and said, "Momma I am so happy we have the only best Pastor Marty with all the good rules in the whole wide world forever!"

I know there is a message in their some how, so when I went to bed I began to think about how Churches/Congregations and Pastors have different types of relationships. Mostly I thought of the child like faith that my son has in his Pastor/FRIEND. I think that is the confidence, trust & faith & YES, even admiration and love we should have towards our Pastors, after all they were appointed and annointed for that very position and the bible says that 'our steps are oredered of God so whatever church we are at; LOVE, PRAY for LOOK UP TO & TRUST YOUR PASTOR!
HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD!!!
That was my lesson for the day - just thought I'd share :)

I GOT MY RAISE!!

Thanks for helping me pray. $2.00 more per hour!
have a great weekend:)

STORMS... CRAZY & BEAUTIFUL !

1st of all thanks for all the prayers... I should know something by 5:00 p.m tonight.
Ali & Lyndsay thanks so much for your comments ( i looked around to see if I could find your blogs or emails but didn't find them but if you wouldn't mind emailing me I would love to write to you) - I am amazed how uplifting an email or a comment can be :) again thanks!

So last night, after Maddies last spring Concert in her "elementry school" (she is growing up so fast) just out of the beautiful hot sunny 98 degree California weather our Lord decides to send a 'crazy' but BEAUTIFUL thunder, lightning, rain, wind & even hail in some parts storm our way.

for California this is CRAZY!!! It was hot! & raining!!! who's ever heard of that becides all you Texan's :) (Bernice & your gang, Jen & your gang) that NEVER happens here! NEVER!!

So one minute we are cooling off drinking iced tea sitting in front of our swamp cooler and the next minute there is lightning lighting up the entire sky & the sounds of GIANT thunder ripping through the quiet night.

Steve, Josiah & I went outside and watched. The rain hadn't started comming down yet. We were standing in the middle of our front yard for about 15 minutes watching the sky when Josiah yells out with the BIGGEST SMILE on his precious, innocent, pure face; "OH, MOMMA JESUS & 'LIJAH ARE TAKING PICTURES OF US!!!!"
Steve & I smiled at eachother as we tried to hold back our tears while we smiled back at Josiah as I managed to say, "yup" through the huge lump in my throat. Steve looked into Josiah's eyes and said, "Yes baby boy & do you hear God talking to us?" Josiah nodded no. Steve said, "listen" pointing up to the sky as the thunder rolled. Josiah lookedup and again smiled as huge as his little face could smile and he began to jump up & down yelling, "I hear him! I hear him.. I can hear God's voice!!! EVERYONE HERE GOD!!"

The rain drops began to fall slowly and gently at first then they turned steady and much harder. Josiah didn't know how to react (in California you never walk in the rain cause its ALWAYS COLD whenever it's raining) at frst he squeeled then I began to twirl in circle and sing in the rain and he fell right in step!! We all danced in the rain for a good 7 minutes before we were all drenched. Steve was the first one to run up under our porch then 'Si & I followed. We sat on the steps of our porch & continued to watch the lightning and the rain. We were singing worship songs that mentioned lightning and thunder and I don't know the name of that song that says,
" you speak through thunder & lightning your voice shakes the mountains, foundations of the earth..." something like that... but thats what we kept singing over and over. After a while we were just quietly sitting on the porch steps when Josiah says, " mommy I just love when Jesus brings us the storms... and because I love to love you in the storms! Momma do you love the storms!?"
"Yes, baby I love the storms." "Momma Jesus sends us the storms to talk to us huh, momma and to take pictures of us and to tell us that he loves us huh momma?" I sighed deeply and said, "Yes, Josiah you are right - God talks to us in the storms".
Then he stands up on the bottom step and looks up into the night sky and says "Oh 'Lijah baby I wish you could come down now - after the rain, some time I will go up okay, 'Lijah 'Lij''

After a good while we managed to peal Josiah off the steps and convinced him we could watch the lightning from inside and then Steve cohersed him by telling him to come in and call Grandma to tell her it was "storming".

He spent the next 30 minutes calling my mom & Beht and wanting to call every one from church to tell them, "you better go outside for God & 'Lijah can take your picture, else he not gonna take your picture".

Finally at around 9:45 his eyes had grown so tired & sleepy he said, "momma can we please tell Jesus to turn off the light now & Tell 'Lijah & God I wanna go to sleep so please take pictures later." "okay baby" I said just close your eyes and "they will be finished in a minute".
he said,
"good night momma, good night daddy I love you in the storms"
good night 'Lijah thanks for you take my picture"
(he was sleeping on a bed roll (pallette- he calls them) o the floor of our room," because it was so "exciting" that Jesus brought us a storm"

THIS BOY IS JUST SOMTHING 'SPECIAL' I TELL YOU!! HE is our TREASURE!!
but at least now we know "WE GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN" so next time you see lightning remember to get your picture taken :)

JOSIAH & MY SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST

Josiah & I usually say prayers and spend time worshipping as we drive- looking at the Mountains, on our way to work and school.

Yesturday Josiah said, "Holy Spirit fill us up with some more presenTs; because I don't have any and I need bob builder and daddy needs a job and mommy wants alot of pieces"

He has heard Steve & I pray, 'Holy Spirit Fill us with your presence' & I always ask God to give me peace.

So this morning we are driving to work quietly, when all of the sudden Josiah starts to sing (his version of Father's house (i think thats what the song is called):
'come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
Come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
It's a BIG, BIG House with lots & lots of brooms!
A BIG, BIG table with lots & lots of food
A BIG BIG yard where we will play foot ball!!
Come and Go with me- To my 'Lijah's house!!!

then he says, "momma I just cant wait to go to our 'Lijah's housse in heaven with Jesus!"
I said, "I know sweetie me too, I can't wait"
He says, "I think *Grandma Alvarez should stop waiting, cause her can have alot of brooms in heaven and play foot ball with 'Lijah"

* Grandma Alvarez is Ben's mom & She is heaven bound and can't hardley wait to cross those pearly gates into the arms of Jesus & see her life long sweet heart who awaits her. She is over 80 ... I think, something like that. (please pray for her too - she is so tired & ready to go).

Ever since last Friday when we went to go see Grandma Alvarez. He wakes up every morning and the first thing he asks is, "IS GRANDMA ALVAREZ DYING FOR HEAVEN YET?" meaning has she gone to heaven yet.

Isn't it funny how real life and death has become to our kids whenever they have had to say good bye to a sibling at such a young age.

His version of prayers and songs is just too funny!!!

So now for my "special" prayer request:
I shared with you that I am working and that 30 days after I started working I was gonna get a raise - well this week is my 30 days and I am asking God for his Favor and Blessings, And continued provisions. That he would touch my bosses heart, casue I need a few more dollars than was agreed to. I believe I have exceeded their expectations and I know this work is worth what I need so PLEASE AGREE WITH ME IN PRAYER, that The Lord would move in his heart on my behalf.

Time

I am finding it so hard to believe that old saying, "time heals all wounds".
I am missing my baby boy so much! It is just so crazy how often I think of him and how much we acctually MISS him being with us. Like this past Sunday at our church pic-nic. It may not have been noticeable to any one but Steve & I were just aching for our baby boy to have been with us.

We find ourselves thinking so much of him and not knowing exactly what to do with the VOID in our hearts and lives as we try to keep moving forward; yet our hearts are still clinging to those 25 and a half very precious hours.

I want him here with us. I want to know what it would be like juggling 2 boys & not just my 1.
I want to feel his weighty chunky body in my arms as drool spills from his mouth becasue he is teething.

Holding Moriah & watching her grow everyday and see all the milestones she is experiencing just cuts like a knife. I love Moriah, don't get me wrong but holding her and watching her just makes me think all the more of how busy we would be with a 7 month old and a 10 month old at grandmas house.

We were there Saturday morning for b-fast. All of us & our families. After b-fast we all sat on the front lawn and enjoyed the morning, watching Moriah jump in her jumper and the expressions she was making as her bare feet touched the grass/dirt for the very first time...

Missing & longing for him doesn't even do my feelings justice.

I don't ever think I will be able to put those feelings into words.

I so, wanted him here - not in heaven! I mean I am glad he is there becasue I know I have the hope of 'someday' BUT WHY?
why couldn't my son be like the others who are meant to be loved from here - together - watching them grow rather than just a painful vivid loving memory that stings as it soothes.

Time... it has gone by so quickly that people see us & can't see the pain.
It goes by so slowly that every breath I take reminds me I am still not there yet.

I loved to love you.
I loved to hear you.
I loved to hold you.
I loved to watch you.

I love to think of you.
I love to miss you.
I love to love you still!

MOMMY & ELIJAH

My 'Lijah Lij

sweet baby boy.

your warm cheeks.

the feel of your "SMART head" nestled in my arms.

Oh my baby I love you so much!

I only wish I knew WHY?!?!?

I miss you! & I will be thinking of you this mothers day. I was hoping that they would have remembered about you for our annual church video but Joshy said they already made it.

BUT Daddy & I will be thinking of you as always. YOU ARE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER!

see you some day soon my sweet baby boy.

Thank You for being my brave boy! Thank you for all those kicks and pats. I will NEVER forget you