Monday, May 18, 2009


I am finding it so hard to believe that old saying, "time heals all wounds".
I am missing my baby boy so much! It is just so crazy how often I think of him and how much we acctually MISS him being with us. Like this past Sunday at our church pic-nic. It may not have been noticeable to any one but Steve & I were just aching for our baby boy to have been with us.

We find ourselves thinking so much of him and not knowing exactly what to do with the VOID in our hearts and lives as we try to keep moving forward; yet our hearts are still clinging to those 25 and a half very precious hours.

I want him here with us. I want to know what it would be like juggling 2 boys & not just my 1.
I want to feel his weighty chunky body in my arms as drool spills from his mouth becasue he is teething.

Holding Moriah & watching her grow everyday and see all the milestones she is experiencing just cuts like a knife. I love Moriah, don't get me wrong but holding her and watching her just makes me think all the more of how busy we would be with a 7 month old and a 10 month old at grandmas house.

We were there Saturday morning for b-fast. All of us & our families. After b-fast we all sat on the front lawn and enjoyed the morning, watching Moriah jump in her jumper and the expressions she was making as her bare feet touched the grass/dirt for the very first time...

Missing & longing for him doesn't even do my feelings justice.

I don't ever think I will be able to put those feelings into words.

I so, wanted him here - not in heaven! I mean I am glad he is there becasue I know I have the hope of 'someday' BUT WHY?
why couldn't my son be like the others who are meant to be loved from here - together - watching them grow rather than just a painful vivid loving memory that stings as it soothes.

Time... it has gone by so quickly that people see us & can't see the pain.
It goes by so slowly that every breath I take reminds me I am still not there yet.

I loved to love you.
I loved to hear you.
I loved to hold you.
I loved to watch you.

I love to think of you.
I love to miss you.
I love to love you still!


  1. I love to love you still... isn't that just a perfect way to say it? And "Time heals all wounds" doesn't seem true does it?

    The excruciating pain of the first month is gone now. But the pain of seeing 16 month old boy isn't. That I get a reminder of every single Sunday... there are 3 little boys that age in our church. And boy oh boy would my life be chaotic if he was still with us. And oh how I long for it... Love ya Marie!

  2. Praise God for this blog and for all the people you have met who have gone through the same thing and know exactaly how you feel.
    Love ya! Cindy

  3. I don't think time heals. I think you get used to the pain, the loss and the ache with time. I am 15 months out and I can say..I am not healed. Just more ok with who I am today. Ok with the aches and sadness when they come. And because of time...they don't last as long...and I can smile more. Praying for you.