Monday, July 6, 2009

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!


I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.


  1. I'm still reading. Honestly, I don't know how you can make this "ok". Its not ok. Nothing I can do or say will take away the sting of the death of your boy. We don't understand why God does what he does, but yet he does it anyways. My best friend passed away rather suddenly when i was in high school, it was the worst pain I've ever endured. One of the biggest things that helped me with it was reading "letter from heaven" over and over again. It didn't ease the pain, but it did give me strength in what I was enduring. Nothing can ease the pain but time. And it will always sneak up on you and hurt just as much as it did the day he left. But know that there are people across the world praying for you, and thinking of your family as you navigate this road.

  2. As I read your post, I sensed God telling me to give you this:
    It's a short clip that reminds us just how much God cares, even in the hardest times. This clip has definitely gotten me through many (tear-filled) trials. Praying for you!
    Love, Allie

  3. Oh Marie... It's not meant to feel better! And next to losing our boys, their first anniversaries are probably the hardest.
    I finally came to the reaizaion that we were never created to deal wih death. When Gd created us, he designed us to live forever. I'm convinced that's why we don't handle death well - because nothing in us knows what to do. All we feel is destruction and tragedy...

    The only thing that helped me make it through his birthday (worse for me than his Home Day) was to only do EXACTLY what I wanted at that moment. Ie - we released a blue balloon. We went to parents for dinner. We thanked God for Joshua's birthday and had cake. That was it... no more no less. It was what I wanted. I didn't let anyone tell me what to do, I didn't want to feel forced into anything. Love you Marie - Hugs!!!

  4. I can probably offer close to nothing that will help, but I'll try. My only advice is to follow your heart and follow all the way through. If that means to go on a family vacation, DO IT! If that means to cry into your pillow all day long, DO IT! Allow yourself to feel the day. You may end up smiling ALL day long... allow yourself to be happy. You may end up wanting to scream all day, allow it to happen. I'll be thinking of you!!!!