The Bible says, 'we have this treasure in earthen vessels... '
This verse quickly came to my mind this week, when while Josiah & I were eating our lunch with worship music playing in the background. In the middle of our conversation he began to sing along with the CD; "crucified, laid behind the stone. you lived to die rejected & alone like a rose trampled on the ground. You took the fall & thought of me above all"...
With a mouthful of food he looked at me and asked, "mommy what frusified mean?"
I looked at him and some what surprised, I answered, "means Jesus died!"
(why I thought that was the end of the conversation is besides me)
He replied, "Oh, hmm... why Jesus died?"
I paused for a quick second and answered, "because he loves us & paid for our sin"
(where the conversation went from here was a TOTAL SHOCK to me - I was blown away in more levels than I can explain)
He very seriously looked at me and asked, "Mommy what Lijah pay for, for him die?"
With the biggest knot in my throat and after a HUGE PAUSE... I answered, "nothing baby, Lijah didn't pay for nothing".
He tuned into the next song playing and began to hum it while finishing his lunch.
(Thank God!!! - Because my emotions were in a whirlwind).
I began to ponder that and many other profound questions Josiah has been asking me lately & how recently he has become so very extra clingy. I remembered one of the other questions he asked me about when will Lijah come back in my tummy & come home like Moriah.
Then it all began to make a little bit more sense (I think) Could it be that he is working through this death & grieving process just like all of us, but only in his own way?
I made a call to someone, for some counsel & reassurance as to how I was answering my sons questions. The answer I received was a bit surprising & hurtful. I was told that Steve & I were the problem & that Josiah was fine with where his brother is at. I was told that although I might be upset after this phone call; that they could imagine life with out their spouse or child(ren). I was told that they would be happy IF they had a two year old asking questions like this.
I was told that I need to start moving forward rather than, every month when "THAT" day comes around get all sad and stay home and stop doing normal activities(Which we So DO NOT DO!!!). I was told that we should imagine how parents of a three month old felt when their baby died tragically & unexpectedly!! I was told, "you knew this was happening & you were even able to dedicate your baby at the hospital. Imagine the pain of the parents of this three month old, that is hard - they lived life daily with that baby". My Lijah is still our baby. I do feel for ALL parents who suffer pain for their children. Age & time does not matter! Our pain hurts too! I mean, IF this person knew me & Steve to even just half the people we truly & really are. This person would know THE REAL US & WHAT WE REALLY DO from day to day. That we Love The Lord, Serve Him as best we can and Teach are children to Love the Lord! We are human & we hurt for the loss of our Lijah who lives in heaven. I see nothing wrong with thinking about our baby boy. In fact we do! We think of him in everything we do - even at church during worship service!
**NEWS-FLASH!!!!!**
My family & I are moving forward! We are moving forward one step at a time and one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time!!!
Walking & Living in "THESE BLESSED SHOES WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN AS A FAMILY"
is a huge difference from IMAGINING IT!!!
But I also realize that this person does not have very much personal knowledge of dealing with grief to the extent of loosing a child.
After working through my personal hurt, because I really look up to this person and see this person as a very wise person - I gave my hurt to the Lord and pray that He deal with this person in regards to how this person sometimes tends to be insensitive and although very wise in many ways also ignorant to a certain things and does not realize how hurtful such nonsense, careless words can wound an already broken heart.
We have treasures in earthen vessels... - I Praise The Lord for Who He is in my life! The strength & source of our families life!
I think if a person is approached for counsel & YOU are uncomfortable then it would be much wiser to say you are not comfortable or be courageous enough to say you do not know the answer to the question; Rather than loosely speaking just for the sake of saying something that has the power to kill.
I am so blessed that Jesus is my faihful friend Who KNOWS US FOR WHO WE ARE! The bible says he knows are commings & are goings. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
I bless His name for the treasure of my children!!! ALL OF THEM!! the ones in heaven(miscarriage+ Lijah) & my two here on earth!!! THOSE ARE TREASURES WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH!
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Wow! That about sums it up for me. Wow.
ReplyDeleteOh Marie...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you got such insensitive counsel. I have learned, as I walk this grief path myself, that people just don't get it unless they have walked down the same road.
I have also been around long enough to know that grief is grief. I don't know which is harder, longing to know a little person whom you held for such a brief time and who left you with so few memories, or missing someone who was an integral part of your life for a season. I really don't think you can compare, for each has its own kind of sadness.
Your little 'Lijah has been gone for such a short time. It's perfectly OK to miss him, to talk about him, to have sad days. It doesn't mean you are stuck at all or that you aren't moving on. I want to shake your friend for your sake for even suggesting that!
God will make all things beautiful...in His time...
hmmmmmm get on with your normal life? How in the world can your life ever be normal again......you were blessed to be in the presence of the heart of God wrapped up in a little baby boy whose brief time on this earth changed you and countless others who read his story. Life will never be the same again and grieving the passage of such a gift from heaven....takes TIME! Whoever told you that I hope was not a "trained" counselor cause if they were .....they need to be fired! HUGS and so many prayers.....and while your sweet child may not totally understand the loss of Elijah.....there IS a grief process going on. Kids understand even at young ages far more than people give them credit for. You obviously know that in the way you handled those questions....letting them come......answering them the best way you could and giving your darling child the space and voice to speak concerns, fears etc. HUGS and so many prayers. and besided if you wanted to give each day of the month that the date fell on a day of grief...what is that to anyone else.....that is your way of handling it......if you wanted to do that.......if you wanted to let off balloons every month at the same time.....that'd be your way of handling grief and not wrong......sheesh I dont get some people who think they know how others should grieve or proces such heart rending events. God bless you.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThat was really insensitive. And I am sorry that happened to you.
No one knows the grief of loosing a child and what it does to a family unless they to have lost a child. Whether that be before birth or after birth or at 40 years old. It hurts and you don't get over it.
You are still young in your journey. And a rocky roller coater of a journey it is. It has been a year and a half since I have lost JT but, the 17th of every month I miss him. I miss him terribly every day. I will always miss him and there is never going to be any getting over that. God gave you the honor of being Elijah's mommy and with that you get to grieve and remember him the way that YOU want to.
Grief is personal and no one should tell you how to do it because that is not their right. It is yours and yours alone.
I agree with Sumi, I wish I could shake that friend of yours.
Big (((HUGS))
I've read your blog for some time and have prayed for you and your family and for the birth of little 'Lijah. I'm saddened that someone from whom you sought counsel just added to your pain.
ReplyDeleteI facilitate a wonderful group called GriefShare (www.griefshare.org) through our church. (check it out--wonderful program) What we DO learn is that everyone grieves differently and we need to allow people to grieve in whatever manner helps them. We just need to walk along side. I pray you have other friends who walk with you. The Lord understands your pain better than anyone else....for His son died too.
In His Love....a Grandma who hurts with you