STRUGGLING

so tired of the climb!!! life is so hard! so unfair! & yet has such sweet, sweet moments; just that today for some reason is just plain TUFF!

Steve is still not working! I had a Pastor tell me to coninue to
~TRUST in The Lords DIVINE plan for our life~

But it is just bothering me that people (my brother) is talking about steve, "WELL IF STEVE WOULD JUST GET UP & GET A JOB......."

why is it that the SWEET RREASSURING WORDS seem to fade so easily & yet the negative leaves a lasting sting that just lingers on and on.

Being broken just doesn't "feel" good! I guess I should think of how my Lord felt while taking "MY" punishment on that cross!

"LORD BE MY STRENGTH TODAY"

July is almost over

Kayla was at her moms house for his B-day.

WE BLEW BUBBLES & SANG HIM A VERY TEARFUL "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 'LIJAH"

Mom & Minn & Maddie came out, It was way too hot for Beth to come with 'Riah

July is almost over and the weather is starting to change.... to autumn weather OKAY NOT THAT MUCH, but the night skys are looking orangier(if thats even a word)

and I am still trying to be whoever I am supposed to be now - 1 year later.

ITS NOT AN EASY ROAD AT ALL & I COMPLETELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "HIS" PLAN (right now).

We are living everday as best as we can. We have good days but then there are some VERY HARD days!!

HAPPY 1st Birthday!!!

~Memories~

If we could have a lifetime wish

A dream that would come true,

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

FOr yesturday & you.

A thousand words can't bring you back

We know because we've tried...

Niether A thousand tears

We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

And Happy Memories too...

BUt we never wanted memories

We only wanted you

(unknown)

Our hearts are so painfully torn.

We know the truth of heaven but it just doesn't

give us YOU!

We wanted to see you crawl, walk, roll

We wanted to sing Happy Birthday to You

I wanted you to say Mama

Josiah wanted to have a bubu to play with

Kayla wanted to hold you more & more

Daddy wanted to carry you upon his shoulders.

WHY? you had to go.... I just don't know!

My life will forever be changed because there was you.

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

IT JUST HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY???????
and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!?!?!

I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

Friday we celebrated 4th of July. We had friends & Family over for a BBQ. Saturday morning we had to take Kakie back to her 1st momma's. Steve stayed home to RELAX... He worked SOOOO hard getting the house ready for company.

There is an Old Fashion Country Store on the corner of Jensen & Clovis Ave. Called Simonian Fruit Co. the outside is decorated with all kinds of early 1900 agricultural farming equipment including an old 1900 crank up Mac Truck.

Growing up in the Central San Joaquin Valley & not being a boy; I guess I have taken that place for granted. During October it serves as a pumpkin Patch with a hay ride and all. During December it serves as a tree farm including Christmas carroling and hot cider.

I guess other than those two holidays it was not an eye catcher for me but Josiah on the other hand has noticed this place more than once as we pass it on a weekly basis to take sister home.

We had just dropped K off with her mom and as we drove out of the parking lot 'Siah asked, "Momma please can we go see all those tractors & trains?.... some day momma?"

As the light turned green, without answering him a single word I turned and went into Simonian Fruit Co. Parking lot. He squeeled with excitement, "TODAY? MOMMA?!"

We got off and I let him lead the way! We were there for WELL OVER 1 and a half hours. We went into the old Red caboose and explored and took pictures, he got on a 1898 Harvester, he left absolutley no piece of equipment unexplored. then we went inside the country store and looked at the model train that goes around the entire store.

By the time we left he was covered in grey from all the dust on the farm equpment he tried out!

I had left the camera at home notthinking we would be doing anything - so I had to take pic's with the phone my dad gave us; so now I just gotta figure out how to get those from the phone :)

I AM SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A MOMMY & 'SIAH DATE!!! (It had been since April that I started working that I had not had any 1 on 1 quality time with him)

I miss him so much!!! I might just be emotional cause Elijah's 1st B-day is this Thursday but everything is making me cry.

BUT I AM HAPPY BECAUE OF A WONDERFUL WEEKEND & I KNOW GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US through this weekend comming up!

THRILLED!!!

Beth (ya-ya) & Tony took my kids since this morning for a Nina & nino date :) they were supposed to go watch ICE AGE @ 2 O'clock this afternoon. Steve just called. It is 4:30 and Tony called him to tell him the kids would be late because they are just now going in to see the movie!!
WOOOOOO WHOOOOO! do you know what this means!!!
#1 a quiet ride home :)
#2 a good 30 minutes to talk to Steve UNINTERUPTED!!!
#3 I will be all relaxed by the time the kids get home :)

I'm such a simple girl to please!!!

Blah!

just feeling blah, sorta draggin and heavy hearted. It hasn't even been 1 year since we had Elijah nad now Dad, Ugh! I talked to my dad last night he had been worried about us. I am having these real wierd moments of PANIC about who's next!!

AND this economy is way out of wack too! Steve still can't find a job and this is fruit harvest season - we have all kinds of people picking fruit YET NO JOB for HIM!

I believe in faith but I think my faith is running on fumes right now.

our welfare check was cut as well as so many other things here in California, and we were just starting to feel like we were climbing out of this hole. IN MY HEART I AM SCREAMING 'I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE'

It has been one storm after another, after another and then they just keep comming!!

I know we are blessed but our landlord can only wait so long!!! and every 30 days a new rent is due. we have been giving him weekley payment s to try to catch up but it seem like we are sinking in quick sand.

I told Steve last night, "you know I just want to give up" and he looked at me and said "okay we give up and do what?"

I dont know but I sure am tired of always living on the verge of losing it all!!

I SURE DO NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS & hugs would sure be nice. Steve asked me to take the kids to my sisters so he could have some time alone. HE IS SURE MISSING HIS DADDY.

Back at work

I had been off Since Friday, making arrangements for Dad's services. It all went well - Now I am just TRYING to get back in the swing of things here at work. I'm not very motivated today but it could just be that I'm tired. The services were a beautiful tribute to Dad.

I'm now 36 years old (YIKES!) my b-day was a bit un- celebrated & Beth forgot to call me :(LITTLE TURKEY!!!!)

Kayla read a poem at Papa's memorial service & Josiah decided to NOT sing or play his guitar in front of A WHOLE BUNCH OF crying strangers who he had never met.

This is why you should NEVER depend on a 3 and a 1/2 year old 'musician' as part of the program for something like this cause they tend to run on their OWN schedule. l.o.l

'Lijah has his Papa by his side

'Lijah's Papa is home now. 'Lijah's head stone came in. They will be setting it in on Monday..My b-day. (too bad I gotta be at work).

Kakie & 'Siah's Papa

We took the kids in to see Papa. Josiah sat on Papa's bed and played his guitar and sang him Dad's song. Kake squeezed me tight as the room filled with tears. She was very upset (angry) that her Papa had to be so sick and she was not accepting things well at all!! I am SOOOOOOOOO greatful that Janet allowed us to pick her up and bring her with us. they took all life support off at around 4ish and we were told he would only take 10 breaths and then pass.

It is almost 16 hours and Papa is still breathing ON HIS OWN!!!! Dad is not only a fighter but a very prideful, stubborn old man (said with lots of LOVE), and I know he is DETERMINED to do things HIS WAY!!!!! :)

Just got off the phone with Steve, Dr. just called to say they are SO SURPRISED!!! becasue Dad is doing so well that they are putting him in his own regular room AND that there is a chance he might get to go home with hospice care.

PLEASE pray MY day goes by fast I'm tired, tired, tired!!!

Papa is on his way to heaven too :(

Dad (Steve's dad) has been in the hospital since Friday. He had a massive stroke and has continued to have them since. Steve just called me at work and told me to leave early.

Josiah said, "Papa is on his way to heaven to be with 'Lijah"

PLEASE keep us in your prayers

Kayla will be so sad. Sweet girl

It's getting closer

it's getting closer to my sweet Elijah's 1 year!!

We have had to keep moving forward... somthing that felt so impossible;
just happened - TIME has passed.

This weekend we were at the hospital with my Father in law. He had a stroke. As we walked around the hospital in and out of the elevators and back & forth to the cafeteria, Kayla kept holding my hand and as we would pass a certain spot she would give my hand a squeeze and whisper, "mommy, thats where we sat when 'Lijah was born" or Mom - this is what I ate when 'Lijah... went to heaven" or " mommy we took this elevator up to see you riht before 'Lijah was born and we were in a big hurry; but except you & daddy weren't with us"

My sweetheart. She is so worried about her Papa.

Still can't decide what we are going to do for 'Lijah's heaven day...

MONTHLY

I'm feeling VERY 'hormonaly,womanly, roaringly moody'
I feel like I just wanna cry.
My mom is undergoing some medical tests she has been very sick for a few weeks. Medical testing scheduled for Friday morning (pray for her).

I DON'T WANNA BE A GROUCH! I would really covet your prayers.
"MY ADORABLE CHILDREN & HUBBY WOULD TOO" (I am certain of that)

If any one knows of some good anti-, bloating cramping mood rememdy PLEASE FEEL FREE TO drop me a line :)

Kay & 'Si are having a blast at home. Seem's Steve has turned our house into 'DADDY FUN CAMP' :)
(Beth's girls are over for a few days)
I gotta remember to brign the camera to post pic's

I LOVE IT !!

I love the new look on my 'Lijah's blog :)
thanks for all your work Lyndsay
So I gotta share my new love & passion for turtles:
(I had been dealing with a tugging in my heart for turtles since Oct or Nov)
I had no idea why just that every time I saw a little turtle picture, figurine, etc. I felt a fuzzy warm feeling in my heart about Elijah. The only thing I could put together was how passive our 'Lijah was.

Well, just last week I read a beautiful article about sea turtles... how the momma's swim against the curents and waves to get onto the shore to work feverishly to make a nest where their baby turtles can be born. Once the baby turtles are born they must take a chance to get back into the safety of the ocean, passing the dangers that lurk on their journey ie. crabs, people, birds of many types. At the end of the article it says how once at the bottom of the ocean they have reached thier eternity.

Our 'Lijah reached his eternity :)

I had never read such an amazing article but it sure touched my heart, in such a beautiful way.

AGAIN THANKS LYNDSAY for fixing up my page :)

BLOG QUESTION

okay so I did a little researching and I was trying to give our blog a face lift(make over) you might say- SO I did what I remember some one telling me a while back.... I went to cutest blog on the block. I CAN'T figure out how it works. I typed the words
cutest blog on the block.com and it takes me to this purple flashing stars page, then there is a window that says click here to start, so I clicked. It asked me to register and then all these wierd questions came up about personalizing my computer tool bar and adds for google.

Steve & I are trying to get it to look a bit more colorful, chappier and ready for 'Lijah's 1st birthday. So On cutest blog on the block it says you can customize and add pictures so we have tried it several different times to see if we don't get that message but it still does

Is that what you all went through to make your blog look so cute?

REFRESHING - FRIENDSHIPS!!!

Last night, after Ladies Prayer; I drove up to find my two guys outside under the beautiful breezy night watering our front lawn. We all sat on the porch for just a minute then Josiah said he was tired(he had a long day-no nap).

Steve continued his gardening (moonlight gardening- he loves to do that!!!)

After showering and getting ready for bed. I was so relaxed, I sat on the couch and did some journaling :)

After a few pages, I climed into bed [with the phone!] I got all cozy and called Cindy. We talked and talked and talked for hours (just like old times). At one point Steve came in and just smiled as he walked right back out(he heard me laughing all the way outside).

We ended up staying on the phone til a bit past mid-night!!!(thats late for me)!!!

talking to her was so refreshing. Don't get me wrong we still see eachother at every church service. But we hadn't talked like that for a very long time!!! IT WAS SO GOOD :)

Chris (Cindy's son) is getting so big now. He has his own car. drivers liscence. I know that if he read this he'd probably get all shy cause he's a "cool" kinda kid.. I mean "GUY"! but I remember when he'd sleep between me & Cindy when he was 5 years old & they would spen the night. I remember when we had to make up math problems to entertain him (YES HE's 'SMART TOO') Poor kid talk about being exposed to real "girl drama" at such a young age. He would sit in the back seat as we would drive around and talk " ABOUT GUY DRAMA" and Cindy would "always tell him "you better not ever do 'that to a girl' ('that' being whatever one of us had just experienced with heartbreaker) I remember when we all still called him CRIFFER not much these days - He's all grown up now. But he's a good boy :) very polite, very sweet, playes guitar, hes' on the worship team and he sings in a band too.

He has grown up so much and he has shown so much care towards our family these past two years. I was thinking about how whenever we found out about Elijah he came with Cindy in the middle of the night to just sit with us.

I am sure Proud to have him as my friend/"nephew" :)

So thats what has been on my mind this morning; because of SUCH a refreshingly fun conversation last night.

I say it's time we go for another on eof those drives except this time Criffer will be the driver!! YIKES and I'm the one in the back seat losing my teeth!!! l.o.l
[He lost his 1st tooth in the back seat of our car while driving home from taco bell]!!!

I feel so much PEACE

11 months...

My sweet 'Lijah was in my arms 11 months ago today at exactly this very moment. Mom called me this morning to see how I was feeling. She was thinkinf of our sweet 'Lijah.

I was sick all weekend with the flu & did not come to work yesturday.

Friday evening was quite eventful as far as "blessings" go.

A few months back I had written that my cousins baby had passed away. We ended up NOT going to the services... (long story short)

It was during that week, that we came in contact with The funeral director who handled our 'Lijah's funeral. During our brief conversation(remember the horrible incident with his secretary!) Our conversation that day was brief, but one of the first things He mentioned was that his secretary was no longer working at his funeral chapel and that she infact had moved out of State. (skipping forward)

Remember the people who took the deposit on 'Lijah's head stone went bankrupt. So my sweet boy still has no head stone/marker!!! [frustrating]

(skipping forward) We are comming up on our baby's 1st birthday! No head stone!!! I was having a SUPER hard time with that!! I remembered We had started a file for his stone with Brian so I called him (SKIPPING FORWARD)

Friday We met with Brian and He is giving us the best birthday present for our 'Lijah!!!!
His head stone is being made for us FREE OF CHARGE!!!!!

Oh I miss my baby boy! I can't explain the HUGE VOID in my heart and the emptiness in my arms! 11 months have passed since I held your soft warm body in my arms. I never got to see you roll over, cut your first tooth, sit up or hold your arms out to me!

But I am so glad Kayla & 'Siah got to hold you! even if I was too groggy to remember to take a family picture we all do have at least one picture with you.

Friday night 'Siah was talking about your house in heaven. We read the book "mommy please don't cry" His favorite page was the one where the story says their is lots of party's with the best chocolate cake ever!

Josiah wants us to have a birthday cake for you!!! I wish you were here sweetness!
I am glad to know that even if we are not together for your 1st birthday at least I know your not all alone!!! & I am comforted to know that heaven is a wonderful place.

Mommy's boss gave me your birthday & your heaven day off as holiday!! & we intend to spend it together with family & CELEBRATE YOU in our lives!!

Boys will be boys!!

Here is a little story of what I just realized I will NEVER have to worry about with Elijah.
I was e-mailing a friend who had asked about how Josiah is doing. Here is a bit of that e-mail:

seems Josiah might be going through the terrible 2's AGAIN or still or in SLOW MOTION or something or maybey its just a boy thing! I don't know but some of the things he says and does OH MY GOSH it's driving us CRAZY!! last night he was playing with his Thomas trains and one of the tracks did'nt want to connect right to the other and he said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" and I said, what and he looked at me and said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" I asked him what that meant and he said, "means I am mad cause it no working right - BOKEN RABBIT! Steve & I looked at eachother and wondered if in fact he WAS saying what we thought he might be trying to say.
Steve: Where did you hear that?
Josiah: at school!
Steve: who says that?
Josiah: nathaniel, jacob, lucy and all my friends!
Me: what does it mean?
Josiah: means we are mad cause for things don't work and we say Broken rabbit!
Steve: Josiah I think maybe thats not what your friends are saying and they might be making Jesus sad for trying to say what they hear
Josiah: WHY?
Me: Josiah I think maybe they are copying their mommy's & daddy's and are saying DAM IT (thats what people say when they are mad cause something doesn't work)not rabbit and I think maybe they are saying god Dam it & you think they are saying broken rabbit, but god dam it is not nice to say.
Josiah: oh, okay.

Aye! and he is at a christian school!!! Oh ... just makes me cringe! I don't want him to learn all that stuff!!! and I'm not even sure we handled it right!

Fiberglass!!!! "SUMMERGLASS"

Last night or yesturday evening..... Steve was helping Beth & Tony move into their new apartment. The last thing to be moved was the HUGE refrigerator UP the stairs into thier apartment - YES, UP stairs- a HUGE side by side refrigerator!!

Anyway, Josiah & I stayed home. We were sitting on the porch. Josiah was playing with a broken shovel; which I thought was wood- so I told him to put it down. He was trying to "work" like his daddy - so I thought 'well I am wathcing him what could go worng?' WRONG thing to ask!!!!!

The stupid broken shovel was not wood but plastic(fiberglass)!!!

YUP! you can all just imagine the rest of the evening - It was awful, I rushed him into the bath and thought that would be the end of that - but NOPE! he started getting all puffy, red & swollen.

We called poisen control & they told us to rub him down with vegtable oil (HE HATED THAT!)
then we put him back in the shower then dried him (all the while he is still screaming/crying)
then we tried the next thing poisen control told us to do: we covered our child (our crying, irritated, tired child) in BIG tape not duct tape but packaging tape.

Nothing was working and then Steve asked me if I had prayed for him (JOSIAH IS STILL CRYING & SCREEMING, " I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS - TAKE IT OFF OF ME! TAKE THE SUMMERGLASS AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! ITCH ME MOMMY! NO YOU ITCH ME DADDY! RUB IT OFF! RUB THE SUMMERGLASS OFF! NO DONT DO NOTHING! I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS") so do you get the picture!!!!!!!

In the middle of his crying he looks at me and calmly says, "momma please call my pastor marty" (him & Pastor Marty are "special friends") so we called him and asked for Pastor to pray for Josiah - (I guess our prayers weren't working).

Pastor was in the middle of his family dinner time, but agreed to get KEaloha & Keoki, Mona to pray for Josiah. I had justt hung up and the phone rang... It was Pastor calling to give me another remedy we might try - panty hose!

I hung up and Josiah is still crying and asked, "who called, momma?" I told him what Pastor said to do and he got a HUGE grin (with a snot filled puffy red face covered in tears). He said Pastor had summerglass too!?!?!? (thrilled- cause he loves to be just like Pastor).


So we did the panty hose thing and IT ACCTUALLY WORKED!!!!

We were able to tuck him into bed and as he was dozing off he looked up at us and said, "Momma I am so happy we have the only best Pastor Marty with all the good rules in the whole wide world forever!"

I know there is a message in their some how, so when I went to bed I began to think about how Churches/Congregations and Pastors have different types of relationships. Mostly I thought of the child like faith that my son has in his Pastor/FRIEND. I think that is the confidence, trust & faith & YES, even admiration and love we should have towards our Pastors, after all they were appointed and annointed for that very position and the bible says that 'our steps are oredered of God so whatever church we are at; LOVE, PRAY for LOOK UP TO & TRUST YOUR PASTOR!
HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD!!!
That was my lesson for the day - just thought I'd share :)

I GOT MY RAISE!!

Thanks for helping me pray. $2.00 more per hour!
have a great weekend:)