July is almost over

Kayla was at her moms house for his B-day.

WE BLEW BUBBLES & SANG HIM A VERY TEARFUL "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 'LIJAH"

Mom & Minn & Maddie came out, It was way too hot for Beth to come with 'Riah

July is almost over and the weather is starting to change.... to autumn weather OKAY NOT THAT MUCH, but the night skys are looking orangier(if thats even a word)

and I am still trying to be whoever I am supposed to be now - 1 year later.

ITS NOT AN EASY ROAD AT ALL & I COMPLETELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "HIS" PLAN (right now).

We are living everday as best as we can. We have good days but then there are some VERY HARD days!!

HAPPY 1st Birthday!!!

~Memories~

If we could have a lifetime wish

A dream that would come true,

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

FOr yesturday & you.

A thousand words can't bring you back

We know because we've tried...

Niether A thousand tears

We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

And Happy Memories too...

BUt we never wanted memories

We only wanted you

(unknown)

Our hearts are so painfully torn.

We know the truth of heaven but it just doesn't

give us YOU!

We wanted to see you crawl, walk, roll

We wanted to sing Happy Birthday to You

I wanted you to say Mama

Josiah wanted to have a bubu to play with

Kayla wanted to hold you more & more

Daddy wanted to carry you upon his shoulders.

WHY? you had to go.... I just don't know!

My life will forever be changed because there was you.

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

IT JUST HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY???????
and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!?!?!

I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

Friday we celebrated 4th of July. We had friends & Family over for a BBQ. Saturday morning we had to take Kakie back to her 1st momma's. Steve stayed home to RELAX... He worked SOOOO hard getting the house ready for company.

There is an Old Fashion Country Store on the corner of Jensen & Clovis Ave. Called Simonian Fruit Co. the outside is decorated with all kinds of early 1900 agricultural farming equipment including an old 1900 crank up Mac Truck.

Growing up in the Central San Joaquin Valley & not being a boy; I guess I have taken that place for granted. During October it serves as a pumpkin Patch with a hay ride and all. During December it serves as a tree farm including Christmas carroling and hot cider.

I guess other than those two holidays it was not an eye catcher for me but Josiah on the other hand has noticed this place more than once as we pass it on a weekly basis to take sister home.

We had just dropped K off with her mom and as we drove out of the parking lot 'Siah asked, "Momma please can we go see all those tractors & trains?.... some day momma?"

As the light turned green, without answering him a single word I turned and went into Simonian Fruit Co. Parking lot. He squeeled with excitement, "TODAY? MOMMA?!"

We got off and I let him lead the way! We were there for WELL OVER 1 and a half hours. We went into the old Red caboose and explored and took pictures, he got on a 1898 Harvester, he left absolutley no piece of equipment unexplored. then we went inside the country store and looked at the model train that goes around the entire store.

By the time we left he was covered in grey from all the dust on the farm equpment he tried out!

I had left the camera at home notthinking we would be doing anything - so I had to take pic's with the phone my dad gave us; so now I just gotta figure out how to get those from the phone :)

I AM SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A MOMMY & 'SIAH DATE!!! (It had been since April that I started working that I had not had any 1 on 1 quality time with him)

I miss him so much!!! I might just be emotional cause Elijah's 1st B-day is this Thursday but everything is making me cry.

BUT I AM HAPPY BECAUE OF A WONDERFUL WEEKEND & I KNOW GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US through this weekend comming up!

THRILLED!!!

Beth (ya-ya) & Tony took my kids since this morning for a Nina & nino date :) they were supposed to go watch ICE AGE @ 2 O'clock this afternoon. Steve just called. It is 4:30 and Tony called him to tell him the kids would be late because they are just now going in to see the movie!!
WOOOOOO WHOOOOO! do you know what this means!!!
#1 a quiet ride home :)
#2 a good 30 minutes to talk to Steve UNINTERUPTED!!!
#3 I will be all relaxed by the time the kids get home :)

I'm such a simple girl to please!!!

Blah!

just feeling blah, sorta draggin and heavy hearted. It hasn't even been 1 year since we had Elijah nad now Dad, Ugh! I talked to my dad last night he had been worried about us. I am having these real wierd moments of PANIC about who's next!!

AND this economy is way out of wack too! Steve still can't find a job and this is fruit harvest season - we have all kinds of people picking fruit YET NO JOB for HIM!

I believe in faith but I think my faith is running on fumes right now.

our welfare check was cut as well as so many other things here in California, and we were just starting to feel like we were climbing out of this hole. IN MY HEART I AM SCREAMING 'I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE'

It has been one storm after another, after another and then they just keep comming!!

I know we are blessed but our landlord can only wait so long!!! and every 30 days a new rent is due. we have been giving him weekley payment s to try to catch up but it seem like we are sinking in quick sand.

I told Steve last night, "you know I just want to give up" and he looked at me and said "okay we give up and do what?"

I dont know but I sure am tired of always living on the verge of losing it all!!

I SURE DO NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS & hugs would sure be nice. Steve asked me to take the kids to my sisters so he could have some time alone. HE IS SURE MISSING HIS DADDY.

Back at work

I had been off Since Friday, making arrangements for Dad's services. It all went well - Now I am just TRYING to get back in the swing of things here at work. I'm not very motivated today but it could just be that I'm tired. The services were a beautiful tribute to Dad.

I'm now 36 years old (YIKES!) my b-day was a bit un- celebrated & Beth forgot to call me :(LITTLE TURKEY!!!!)

Kayla read a poem at Papa's memorial service & Josiah decided to NOT sing or play his guitar in front of A WHOLE BUNCH OF crying strangers who he had never met.

This is why you should NEVER depend on a 3 and a 1/2 year old 'musician' as part of the program for something like this cause they tend to run on their OWN schedule. l.o.l