Friday, December 12, 2008

Honestly, Ashamed & Disapointed!!!

Tonight after dinner we all got started on our yearly tree decorating traditions. Mexican Hot Chocolate, Mexican Sweet Bread, Christmas Carrol's, Stockings & decorations.

I don't even know where to begin... ... ...

I have always prided myself in being honest and tonight is no different. I must confess; my attitude & behavior were less than inappropriate on such a special night for our family.

Everything was going just right. Music, songs, dancing, laughing, and Yes the usual little ornament/decoration mal-functions that happen whenever you put a 3 year old a 10 year old & 1 perfectionist parent & 1master at everything parent on the same tree lighting project!! l.o.l

The stockings were hung (after several attempts), the tree was almost full - we had gotten wonderful pictures which I was going to post BUT, our brand new digital camera we were BLESSED with decided to call it a night, earlier than expected (batteries died & we had no extras) SO rather than being a well spirited mommy @ Christmas Tree Night & just letting it slide, I began to get annoyed. I kept thinking about all the silly- goofy pictures we took, which used up the batteries.

Everything looked just splendid! and I was still more than okay! The tree was perfect, the stockings hung, the music was playing & ... ... ... JOSIAH had fallen asleep on the couch (in my mind he was supposed to stay awake for everything)

NOW WAS THE TIME WE HAD DESIGNATED to put up 'Lijah's monie(pacifier) and picture as tree ornaments.
WE HAD PLANNED ON PLAYING HIS VIDEO while listening to soft Christmas music & take pictures. THE DVD PLAYER BROKE RIGHT AS STEVE WAS PUTTING IN THE VIDEO. & 'Si was asleep!!!

I was so frustrated. I got upset & was very short fused with Steve. Okay I was mean. He was trying so hard to find batteries for the camera & then I said just forget it. Whenever I say just forget it; It is as if I just cursed Steve out - He hates whenever I say forget it. I tried to shake it off and I said , "sweetie - don't worry about it lets just play his video before 'Siah falls completely asleep". THE STUPID THING BROKE!!!
Again, Steve tried hard, over & over to "FIX" the dvd player. By now I was just steaming*Ughhh*
I said, "Oh well! who cares? everything always goes wrong for us! what's new?" Steve got upset with me (rightfully so) Kayla was putting together some ribbons.

I went into my room and there on top of my bed was "The Box" from the hospital- with Elijah's monie. I began to cry. I opened the box pulled out his monie and right under it was his Hospital Birth Certificate with his foot prints. I was crying & missing him so much. My heart was just aching! I was holding his stuff when I noticed a very small card. I opened it and inside was a plastic bag, in it was My 'Lijah's lock of hair! Beautiful- Thick & dark.

I began to weep into my pillow. I heard Kayla say, "daddy- you shouldn't have gotten mad at mommy - we are all just missing 'Lijah we are all stressed because we wanted tonight to be PERFECT because he isn't here"
I heard Steve tell her she was right and that he was sorry. Steve came into our room & we held each other tight and cried with 'Lijah's lock of hair in hand.

I walked into the living room and Kayla greeted me with a big hug & a smile to warm any heart. She held me so tight and said, " it's okay mommy- we can take pictures tomorrow & we can watch his video later. " I hugged her and told her how sorry I was for the way I acted and that "I should not have reacted the way I did for materialistic things" WE ENDED UP HAVING A GOOD TIME WE all three stood in front of our tree hugging each other and placed 'Lijah's monie right in front of our tree.

I am so upset with myself. You would think that after all we have been through I would not allow myself to get so upset over petty little things!!! What happened to cherishing the moments. I just totally got caught up in the moment of mis-haps & did not handle it at all in a manner to be proud of. I am very ashamed at my behavior. I apologized again & again. Steve & Kay said "it's okay" but I don't feel that it is!! I should know better than to react that way!! how awful of me!... ... getting upset over dead batteries & a broken dvd player!!
I would have thought that after burying my newborn son I would have learned the value of life!!!
* UGGGHHHH* I could just kick myself!
Elijah wouldn't want me to behave that way!!!


  1. I think it is really sweet - not that you reacted badly but that you apologised for it! We are flawed human beings who will continue to sin and get things all messed up but what is important is that we keep coming back to the God who loves us. If you let this come between you and God or the people that you love then Satan has won. I think when we apologise to our children, that speaks so much more to them than if we never did anything wrong. So now you need to let it go - Kayla is right - tomorrow you can take pictures. I am glad that you shared your heart tonight - sometimes we need to get it out before we can let it go. You sound so much like me!
    Still love ya and still praying for you.
    Hope you can enjoy Steve's birthday!

  2. This post made me cry! Don't be so hard on yourself hun. You have every right to get upset even over the small things! It's normally the small things that give us the breakdown, like the straw that broke the camel's back. I am sure you just had so many things piling up, and finally that was it, you could not take no more. You are human. You have been through alot, you are going to have occasional outbursts, and that is OK, And from the sounds of it, you have a wonderful husband and daughter who understand and are very forgiving. Thanks for being honest. It's people like you who helps us see, we are not the only ones. I read your blog daily and you inspire me. With love, Debbie Jones in Florida

  3. You just miss your boy, how sweet is Kayla! I think that night ended good:)

  4. I always tell my kids, 'Liars never prosper.' It doesn't really go with what you are saying, but I think we know when we are acting badly -we need to acknowledge, ask forgiveness and move on. This is going to be a bittersweet Christmas for you. Not only the death of your child, but also other situations that you are currently going through. How sweet that Kayla is so attuned to you and sensitive. One of the things I admire most about you is your love for this little girl.

  5. You DO know the value of life... which is why you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You are human, you are a wife, you are a mommy. Don't beat yourself up over anything! Enjoy this time as much as you possibly can! Take care!