He is standing right under the spot light so you can barely see the guitar and can't see he is wearing a tie! He has a pick too and his guitar even has a homemade strap on it :)He sings his little heart out!!!
HE LOVES TO BE JUST LIKE PASTOR!!!!!
On another-some what, sad note: I attended my very first funeral since Elijah died. It was my nephew Isaiah's grandma. She passed away. We drove all the way to Corcoran (a long 1 hour drive). Jonathan was with us- we talked all the way over there & read some bible verses. Steve stayed home with 'Si & just me & Jonathan went with mom. I had not even realized that I was going to a funeral for the first time since 'Lijah. (no clue I would feel so emotionally fragile).
I got to the tiny church, so packed with people. It was standing room only & people were still spilling out into the church yard. Today it was 78 degrees (crazy weather). Kids whining & crying all over the place and they were hot too; made me thank God 'Si didn't have to go through that.
I saw my nephew (8yrs. old) and he came and hugged me & mom. Then went with his daddy (Jonathan). The service started. I am not sure what all contributed to my emotional whirlwind going on inside of me that made me nauseous & shaky but I noticed I was staring at the flowers all around the casket and then started picturing 'Lijah's tiny casket. Grandma Carol's casket was white, just like 'Lijah's except much larger. I tried hard to shake myself out of this whirlwind.
I was sitting right by a side exit door. I kept wishing I could run out but for some reason it was as though I was paralyzed by something. Over & over I kept thinking "breath, get up & just walk out". I even thought of Susie, Kristy & Karen (women I have come to look to, in admiration for their strength to keep ministering through their grief). I thought about a blog entry from Susie; where she once wrote about how she would excuse herself from church services right after Joshua went to heaven. I kept telling myself, "EXCUSE YOURSELF! EXCUSE YOURSELF - THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE, JUST EXCUSE YOURSELF" but I couldn't move.
Finally the service was over and Jonathan motioned to me to lets go - I was more than ready.
We went up to say bye to Isaiah, his mom, uncles & grandpa. IT WAS HARD!
I hugged Isaiah and as I squatted down to tell him I was sorry that he was going to miss his grandma Carol. He looked at me and said, "Tia now, she is with your baby huh?!"(it was more of a statement but still had a sense of question to it). I squeezed his little shoulders and looked into his precious big eyes. With all the courage & strength within me I managed to half smile while fighting back tears. I just nodded and barely spoke out, "yeah!" making sure that I was smiling! I held him and told him I loved him and he said, "me too Tia, thank you"
Needless to say, I will not be attending tomorrow's burial services. I just don't feel strong enough to go. I told mom tonight and she really understood. Ugggh! I just wish I was strong enough to minister love & compassion to others in grief - I just can't seem to get there though!
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