trying desperately to figure how to blog from my phone

STILL HERE!!!! (borrowed computer... YAY)

I have really missed blogging ALOT. I am able to access facebook on my cell phone but we still dont have internet in the house. WOW IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS ABLE TO BLOG. THERE ARE PROBABLY NO MORE FOLLOWERS OUT THERE FOLLOWING US SINCE WE HAVE SORTA ABANDONED BLOG LAND. Ha ha ha!!!

So, UPDATE:

STEVE- has been working since the middle of December THANK GOD!!!!
KAYLA - is doing well SWEET AS EVER!!!growing up :) She went to her very first Youth group outing at the end of Spring Break and IT WAS SUCH A MILESTONE FOR ME & DADDY!! our baby girls all dressed up going out on her first youth group outing (WTIHOUT US) She went to the ROCKIN WORSHIP ROAD SHOW MERCEY ME CONCERT and five other bands. After wards she went to a sleep over and was ecstatic as she retold all the events of the concert and how they went to go eat after the concert and didnt get back to the house till 2:00 a.m the next morning, and how she woke up at 9:30 and she was so excited. They brought her back at 1:00 in the afternoon and she was so excited.
JOSIAH - is still silly and busy as ever. We have taken him out of pre-school due to transportation issues. (a little bit sad ) But I have been doing school at home with him. He still mentions Lijah almost every day. and he cant wait for the new baby to arrive. He kisses my belly and talks to baby several times a day.

ME - very very very pregnant!!!! I have about three more weeks till the c-section. I have had a roller coaster of emotions preparing to have a HEALTHY live baby that is EXPECTED TO LIVE HERE WITH US. not having to think of funeral plans, TRYING to sort through all the emotions of receiving gifts and setting up the baby room which I STILL have a hard time SAYING "NURSERY" like if i'm not allowed. LOTS OF EMOTIONS that I have to try to justify to almost everone EXCEPT GOD, STEVE, and MOM!

We are very busy right now trying to rearrange all of our bedrooms to accomodate the new little one. I have had somewhat of a difficult pregnancy (again) all 3 of my pregnancies have been a bit tough. IM TIRED and we are still not done setting up the baby room. God has continued to be THE FAITHFUL GOD that HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN. We continue to TRUST and RELY solely on Him.

Right now we still are having transportation issues but WE KNOW GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

The doctor who delivered my precious Elijah is the same docor that is going to deliver this sweet baby. That has really made it much easier because he knows our history and he remember my sweet baby. That makes me feel good because I dont feel like he is being ignored.

I was BLESSED to have two baby showers and BOTH were a bit hard for me to go through and LOTS of people DID NOT UNDERSTAND how it was HARD, or how I " have not moved on" and how I can NOT "see this baby as a seperate blessing"
Maybe..... maybe its because they just arent able to comprehend I dont know, but it is so hard for me to know myself what and or why I feel "certain things" sometimes so I just try to no open up to other peoples comments.

I have really missed blogging. face book is different but this BLOG IS SUCH A SACRED PLACE, A PLACE I FEEL FREE TO SHARE ALL MY FEELINGS AND NOT GET JUDGED.

The one thing I am SO SCARED OF RIGHT NOW is ... in about 3 weeks I am going to have a new baby and I keep having these scarey thoughts of WHAT IF I DONT WANNA HOLD THIS BABY, WHAT IF I MISS MY SWEET LIJAH TOO MUCH, WHAT IF SEEING THIS BABYS HEAD CLOSED AND NO BRAIN SAC ON TOP MAKES ME SAD. AND THE OTHER THOUGHT THAT KEEPS RUNNING WILDLY ACROSS MY MIND IS.... " what if Elijah had lived? then this baby wouldnt be here and I honestly cant say WHAT that makes me feel but I FELL SOMETHING STRONG AND VERY INEXPLICABLE. WHAT IF I GET HURT FEELINGS WITH PEOPLES REACTIONS TO THIS BABY vs. how they reacted to Elijah.

At my 1st baby shower I had a very hard time opening gifts (we got mostly baby clothes and a stroller) I was sad because I didnt get to have that for my sweet baby Lijah but I was greatfull for the outpouring of love. At tthe 2nd shower it was also hard because both showers were at the exact same places where they made my Lijah shower(FUNERAL FUNDRAISER) so there were no cute clothes.

When I was pregnant of Elijah and we moved from Reedley to this house Josiahs crib fell out of the back of the truck on the highway so I thought Steve had gotten rid of it (since we knew Elijah wasnt gonna live here) and he acctualy had it in storage and recently we found out that the crib had been recalled but because the model numbers arent on the crib they cannot exchange it because we have no "proof " that it is the recalled crib. So I have been thrift store shopping for a crib and a changing table or a pack n play with the changer... ... looking for these items has been fun. The other day I became a bit frustrated because I havent found them yet and then I came to realize that I needed to be greatful that I am going to have a baby that gets to LIVE here with me. I remember saying over and over when I was pregnant with Elijah that I would give anything up IF ONLY he didnt have to go to heaven. So I resolved to not pout abut what I didnt have and be greatful for this new blessing. NOT 12 hours had passed when my phone rings and the person on the other side of the phone says they are sending us a baby bassinet!! Again GOD just being faithful.

BUT AGAIN... ... THOUGHTS OF LAST TIME vs. THIS TIME. Ugh it is such a struggle LAST TIME we were this far along in the pregnancy I was picking out burial plots and baby caskets, funeral outfits and wondering how I would manage to put a hat on his "SMART BOY BUBBLE", planning funeral songs and a euology for a son I wanted so bad to live, a child I carried in my belly for 9months plus two weeks and held in my arms for 25 and a half hours.
Last time my baby sister was pregnant 3 months behind me. My baby died hers lived. This time my baby sister AGAIN found out she is pregnant and has made a few "last time" comments not realizing how it cuts like a knife BECAUSE last time and this time are so painfully different.

SO YES I AM HAPPY WE ARE HAVING A BABY I MOST DEFINITELY AM!!! but I miss the one that I never got to bathe or bring home and rock.

Ive missed blogging mY SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS so even if all our blog friends no longer follow an abandoned blog I still cherish this place I hold so dear and miss visiting.

I will try to update in a few weeks ONCE I HAVE THIS BABY just in case anyone out there still reads our blog
IF ANY ONE WANTS TO FOLLOW US ON FACE BOOK JUST EMAIL US AT stv.mre@gmail.com and I will tell you how we can connect via face book, our FB account is private so email us :)

update

Just taking a few quick minutes to say hello and that we are doing well. Pregnancy going well. The other day MoriahI see was over and she walked right up to me and gave me the biggest warmest, longest and most tender embrace ever..... as she put her precious little head on my shoulder I couldn't help but whisper into her ear, "OH I MISS YOUR COUSIN" and the tears just began to flow.


I cant believe how much I think of my Lijah EVERY time this wonderful little girl walks around my house. Every time I see her doing something new. Her beautiful smile.

Her and Lijah would have only been 3 months apart and OH HOW BUSY AND FUN it would be to see them both playing and laughing.

new baby news

16 week ultrasound shows preciously, perfect healthy baby!!! we found out what we are having but some of you have sent us emails saying to keep it a surprise so if you wanna know check us out on FB

FYI

just want to let all our BLOG BUDDIES know that we will not be renewing our internet service contract and it is up this week. I will try to check in on occasion at the library.
Because we will no longer be at home I will no longer be able to post pictures which includes the ULTRASOUND PIC'S we will get this Friday :(

* remember to pray for us friday (BIG ULTRASOUND/ IMPORTANT TESTS) & i hope I can get to a computer to let you all know if K, Si & Lij will be getting a baby brother or sister :)!!!!

SHINING BRIGHT!!! Pumpkin Gospel

THESE ARE THE FINISHED PRODUCT


For Some reason these pictures loaded backwards and I'm so tired I dont have the energy to sit here and put them in order :)


He was curious about shapes

MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!! She's trying out her make up for tomorrow
Daddy & kids carving
WOOO HOOO Check it out !! We got the tops off

This stuff is gooey said Kayla & Si says yeah its so goofy

Look @ mine mom!


We started out the evening by reading a wonderful story book called THE PUMPKIN GOSPEL. I purchased at Berean's Bible Store last year after christmas. I paid a whole .75 cents for this WONDERFUL book.
It talks about how we are similar to the pumpkin; full of 'mess up's or sins' but when Jesus comes into our heart he cleans us up takes away all our messyness then puts his light in us for all to see.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING!!!

we are getting closer to our appointment date.... I gotta admit I AM VERY SCARED!
I know that statistics say the chances of another 'cele' baby are almost none and I am thankful for that but then there is my age factor and the higher chances of having a baby with Trisomy something or other (they are almost all lethal) and that's what we are very afraid of.... another funeral.

And please, no comments like "God would never do that" PLEASE,,,
WE HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WITH A VERY DEAR FAMILY THAT HAVE 2 PRECIOUS BABY BOYS IN HEAVEN

I am so afraid. I am afraid of how I would just totally lose it or fall apart

Dr. Today

We had to make a 'special' trip to see the OB today. I was having some scary symptoms, which started on Sunday as soon as we got home from church. Steve put me on BED REST (ick) :)

Siah had to go with us because the timing on the appointment would not let us get Si from school on time.

I wasn't expecting them to do an ultrasound (again) but She wanted to make EXTRA SURE our little 'THUMBKIN' was okay.

Steve was holding Si behind that corner curtain and just as Thumbkin apeard on the screen Dr. V looks over behind the curtain and says, "COME LOOK" and Steve gets up and walks over to the other side of me and Siah is in his arms and Dr. V looks at Si and says, "see your little sister or brother is dancing the macarena".........
(we hadnt exactky told Si... what we HAD told him was that we were praying for mommy's tummy to be okay and maybe Jesus would put a baby in my tummy is all we had told him)

I looked at him and his eyes were wide and he smiled huge and said,
Si: Mommy, Jesus did it, he did put a baby in your tummy Dr. finded the tiny baby!!
Steve, Smiling huge at our dancing baby :) YUP!
Me: Yes! baby boy Jesus put a baby in my tummy
Si: Uhu!!! I knew He would do that for me!!! (HUGE, GINORMOUS SMILE)
Dr V: Oh WOW you prayed for God to put that baby in there?
Si: YUP, IT WAS ME!!!!
Dr V: Oh okay well now you can pray for God to bring me a million dollars (laughing)
Si: Uh ... Mmm NO! (very serious)

That was too funny, SO NOW WE DONT HAVE TO WONDER HOW or WHEN WE WILL TELL HIM ABOUT 'new baby'

So on our way home Si starts making a mental list of ALL the things 'thumbkin' will neee andWE DONT have like : baby crib, baby clothes and of course A MONIE!!! LOL!!!

Evaluating My Life...

So who am I, Who was I, Who am I supposed to be? These are just a few questions that keep running in my mind.
WHO AM I? I am a fighter. I do not give up, give in or quit.
WHO WAS I? I was a lonely single woman who had nothing of great emotional value or life's real worth, so I buried myself in my career because by that I measured my success.
DO I REALLY WANT TO TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME? No, absolutely not! WHAT AM I SERIOUS?!?!?! why did I ever let that thought cross my mind.
WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE? I am supposed to be the wife and mother GOD set me out to be the day I met my wonderful husband and my daughter.
I am supposed to walk in confidence that HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN ME WILL BE FAITHFUL TO COMPLETE IT. I am supposed to set my eyes on that High calling in Jesus Christ; a life of love, faith , hope everlasting a life of forgiveness and mercy, a life of complete surrender to His will knowing that if I seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness He will Add all that I have need of.
I am supposed to be confident in HIS plan for my life and the lives of my children and direction for my marriage.
I am supposed to believe HIS REPORT!
I am supposed to think on things that are lovely, virtuous and praise worthy.
I am supposed to BELIEVE THAT I AM MORE THAN A CONQUERER IN CHRIST JESUS and that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!
I am supposed to walk as a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD a peculiar people set apart.

ENOUGH, IS ENOUGH I KNOW WHO GOD INTENDS FOR ME TO BE SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO ALLOW MY DAILY CIRCUMSTANCES TO DICTATE AND ROB ME OF THE BLESSINGS I SHOULD BE RECIEVING THROUGH WALKING IN OBEDIENCE OF THE CALL TO MINISTRY IN MY LIFE!!

I need to stand up under these trials knowing that GOD has called me to minister life to a people who need him! Enough allowing the enemy to intimidate me!!! Come what may, MY LIFE IS TO HONOR HIM IN EVERYTHING!

We have been given much, We know that Elijah came to our lives for a very specific reason and we have recently lost sight of that. I must live in the fullness of THAT CALLING AND STOP allowing fear and finances or economy or people to paralyze my thought process.

Josiah has been blessed with the love and talent of playing instruments and We as his parents need to encourage that.

THAT IS WHO I AM!!!! a prayer warrior, a believer, and intercessor, a compassionate friend, A Godly Wife and Mother. I have been given the wonderful privelege of being a step mom which feels more like a real mom!
THATS ME!!!!

Unexpected Waves ...the pain that surges

It was 8:15 p.m. Siah was very tired and snuggling in bed. It has since been a little over 2 hours and my sweet boy is now starting to give in to sleepy eyes. He had been in bed for a short 15 minutes when I heard a very high pitched screamy cry. I ran to his room and as Steve came in right after me he turned on the light. Siah's eyes were filled with tears spilling down his precious little face. I hugged him and he pushed away and said, "we need to take Lijah something, I miss my Lijah baby" he held his throat with one hand and grunted, Oh mommy I dont know what to do? I am angry! Why Lijah had to go? How he will know I love him daddy?" then he breathed like a deep gasp then yelled, AaAAaaHHHHh! then he quickly covered his opened mouth and said, "what do I do? what do we do now daddy" I miss my Lijah baby!!!", "how do we give Lijah his monie, mommy?" [THE ENTIRE DIALOGUE WAS IN SOBS & TEARS]

(I have no idea how I managed to stay strong through this.... I did shed a very few silent tears though)

Steve went into our room and brought out Lijah's photo book and Lijah's memory box with his special hospital bracelets, a whisp of his hair, his shampoo and his monie.

We spent the whole 2 hours looking at pictures SIAH CRIED MORE!! and as he turned the pages of the photo book he asked, "WHY THEY DONT TELL ME MOMMY?" i had no clue exactly what he was referring to as we kept looking at pictures which start from July 9th for the 25 & a half hours all the way to the Funeral July 16th he was pointing at pictures and mentioning people who went to see "Lijah's cemetery"
then he asked if Daniel (singer @ church) went to see Lijah and I said um remember Daniel sang for Lijah and he nodded & answered a teary, "Daniel sang All creation I sing you are my everything and I will door you, holy holy holy is Lord God and mighty (The revelation song by hillsong??) then he almost named every one in church and as he asked if they knew his Lijah I pointed all the people out in the photo book.

After what seemed like FOREVER he agreed to let me tie up the bow on Lijah's memory box. Then we read the story that Kealoha read for us @ the funeral MOMMY PLEASE DONT CRY then we talked about heaven and then we read the book we were given by ANGEL BABIES - WE HAD An ANGEL INSTEAD.

Then he cried some more and insisted that Tia Berba "minn" should NOT have taken him away from YA-YA by Lijahs white crib. I tried to explain that Berba was loving him and holding him and I showed him the picture that Berba DID NOT take him away but that Berba held him to give Lijah a kiss. He began to cry even louder and said, "MOM BUT I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE" I DONT WANT LIJAH TO BE DIED, I LIKE HEAVEN BUT I WANT TO BE WITH MY LIJAH, MOM" and mom we should bring Lijah down but God dont let me to bring him and I dont hear the trumpet mom!"

I finally managed to get him to close the photo book and the story books but I could NOT CONVINCE HIM TO LET ME PUT LIJAH'S MONIE back in the memory box.

he asked me if he could please sleep with Lijah's monie, "please mommy I promise I will take care very good for Lijah's monie please"

So my sweet boy is sleeping with Lijah's monie, his black "rock"(electric) guitar he played at Lijah's funeral services and the Heaven story book.

But he would not fall asleep before calling, "MY YAY"(beth) on the phone to tell her how much he misses his Lijah real bad.....
* thanks Yay, & sorry u had to hear that so unexpectedly* LOVE U THOUGH!!!
THAT WAS I THINK BY FAR THE HARDEST THING I HAVE GONE THROUGH SINCE Lijah died. I mean back then we were very aware and expected to "feel" all that but today, today was a random day and aside from Si & I being feverish & chilled we were having a very good day!

I know I have been asked by some, "DO YOU THINK YOU OVER EXPOSED HIM AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE?" those people who ask that question obviously DO NOT KNOW HOW BRIGHT & VERY AWARE OF things Siah is. there really would have been no way to keep such a real part of our lives from him.

I have also been told that he picks up on the grief from US because WE HAVENT let[ it] go.... to those people I say obviously YOU have never lived 1 day in our shoes we do not press grief onto Si or K but it is a very real part of their lives just as well. We try to not let our children see us cry in excess but the tears are a real emotion we have.

Tonight was totally unexpected.

*HUGE SIGH*
I just wanna say a special thank you to all of you who have surounded us with love & prayers it has been such a trying year and a half. TO EVERY ONE IN OUR CHURCH WHO SURROUNDED US, TO YVONNE & THE ENTIRE HERNANDEZ FAMILY SIS ROSE for the food & Bro. Tony for the video & Motorcade service, Tina& Raquel Sorrondo, Samantha for singing, for Frank & Doug who stepped in and stood as pal bearers for Steve! Jimmy sor singing, Cassia for reading what I wrote, Allen for the beautiful plant that still blooms sitting on our front porch,ALL OF YOU I KNOW I should'nt have started mentioning names because so many of you made his life his memorial service SO PRECIOUS.

HYSTERIA - HILLARIOUSLY

HILLARIOUS!!!!!!! Siah just put on his gloves to go out & play in the dirt..... I was buttoning up his sweatshirt & he SCREAMS @ the top of his lungs "AHHHH MY FINGER FELL OFF" & begins to cry hysterically as he jumps around like... he has ants in his pants. I grab his hand (while laughing) and fix the glove & the 'missing' finger!!

Instantly he stops screaming and smiles as he wipes his dirty face (blushing) ;) and walks out to the back porch.

* I STILL CANT STOP LAUGHING!*

Birthday Celebrations

Josiah attended 2 very exciting birthday party's this summer. Since those parties he has been asking when we are going to make him a birthday party. We told him we were going to try to make him a birthday party. Steve & I have been thinking of making his birthday party on December 5th, because we have always had bad weather and almost everyone is out of town on December 27th.


I began making a birthday guest list. We can't afford to have a party at a kids restaurant or a kids party place so we are praying for 'decent' bearable weather :)

I was doing fine! I am the party planner in my family so I was starting to look around at dollar tree for any BOB the Builder stuff, haven't found any yet but I will keep looking.

Moriah is turning one at the end of this month, and I have been bugging my sister to tell me a theme so I could make the invitations and get things rolling.... ..... well, yesturday she finally gave me the details I was wanting.

I was making Moriah's invitations when IT hit me like a ton of bricks - My ONE year old didn't have a big celebration (not here any ways).

We (his parents) went to the cemetery, blew bubbles, sang happy birthday ... ... ... BUT IT WAS NO HUGE HAPPY OCCASION; it was very emotional & we are happy that he is in heaven BUT I miss my little son!!!

Yesturday was one of Lijah's worship Partner's Birthday's and I couldn't get her momma out of my heart.

Her Zoe Beth turned 2years old yesturday. So for my friend Lyndsay that means 2 years that she has had to live here on earth with a heart string tugging heaven bound.

So the other night Steve & I were walkig through K-mart and I noticed myself looking toward the 'baby' stuff. We were walking towards the pull ups for Siah and on one side was the cute baby items like car seats, strollers, swings & diaper bags and on the other side was 12 - 18 months "BOYS" pajamas... I felt like I wanted to scream, like I wanted to cry, I was angry, I was sad - I just about could feel Lijah in my arms 1 year ago but now all I had was this HUGE EMPTY heartache. I didn't get to plan his 1st birthday and I didn't get to purchase him any 'BIG' boy jammies.

I said nothing. ALL this was going on inside of me while Steve & Si carried on about random stuff. As we continued walking towards the pull ups Siah said, "Oh look mommy - one for me one for Lijah" pointing to a package of Bob the builder sippy cups. I smiled at him and couldn't say any thing we just kept walking.

I was glad to be out of that store, when we were done.

It was just so wierd how on one side of the isle I was looking happliy & hopeful to what we are expecting in May and in the same moment I was broken by what we were missing & had lost.

A GIVE AWAY, I AM ENTERING

This is my second giveaway I enter in Blog land. THIS POST is to make mention of Kristy's giveaway on her blog : www.boltebaby.blogspot.com [ON MY SIDE BAR UNDER ASHER & ISAAC]
Kristy is giving away a "miracle blanket" & I hope to win one for my blessing arriving in May!!!

* It is a special baby wrap that holds baby all nice & snug.... I WISH I HAD ONE FOR SIAH - HE REALLY NEEDED ONE I USED TO MAKE SPECIAL WRAPS OUT OF SHEETS FOR HIM :)

Kakie's Home!!!!!

We are so happy to FINALLY have our sweet girl home!!!! She was at her moms for 3 weeks in a row!

It is so amazing how COMPLETE we feel when she is home. Last Night we went to get some shampoo & Stuff from K-Mart and then came home and hung out JUST US DOUGLAS'!!!!

We talked & talked & giggled & giggled, Daddy mowed the front & back lawns and today after Siah's soccer game we are gonna come home and go for a swim!!!! crazy weather we got our (last) heat wave this week and it was 104!! *HOT! HOT! HOT! Today is only gonna be 100 but still hot enough to go for a swim :)

~I woke up missing my sweet 'Lijah, so much today! Moriah's 1st Birthday is next month... ... My sweet boy could have been running around this house and him & Riah could have been play partners. I WISH... and for those who commented that [this new baby] will take our minds off Lijah - UH, NOT!!!! We seem to think of him so much more, especially since he very well could have been playing with Siah, Kay(getting into all their stuff :-) and when this new baby comes he would almost be celebrating his 2nd birthday!!!

I think alot, of sweet friends who have been blessed by His giving and taking Just like us - I wonder ... ... How often their hearts have ached for their Heaven babies while gaazing into their new babies eyes.

WELL, GOTTA GO MY PRINCESS JUST WOKE UP :) I LOVE THIS GIRL beyond words!!!!!!!!!!

The 3 of us are TRYING to squeeze enough time with her in such a SHORT weekend!!!

*SO- LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING VACATION, Christmas and Easter week!!
cause right now I can't seem to pry these 2 apart. Siah wont put one toe out that door without Kakie! & I WANT GIRL TIME!!!! :)

Our Pandora's Box

The season is changing once again, With the new breeze blowing the chimes on our front porch and that very same wind blowing freshly washed towels and bedding on our clothes line in the back.

I stood in our back yard taking in the smell of freshly wet dirt from the first over night rain...

"if this is a brand new season, then why does this place feel So familiar? The pain in my heart, the reality of loss, questions running through my mind, overwhelming raw emotions.

I began to walk back up our back steps and to my right I see Elijah's Garden. The sky looks just like it did last year. My heart misses my sweet baby & I find myself in a day dream of what could have been. He would have ALREADY celebrated his 1st birthday, He would certainly be walking, actually he would be talking... ... IF he didn't have an ENCEPHALOCELE, IF he had only lived.

Is it possible to have a pain that will never fade, a pain that a smile or a laugh cannot erase.

Many changes have come our way. But none can take away what GOD chose to hand to US. We love in a different deeper way just because of 9 months of feeling him, loving him and wanting him and 25 hours and thirty minutes of holding him, watching him, hearing him all the while trying to find the strength deep within to say GOOD BYE.

In any second of any day I can close my eyes and I hear him, I smell him... So soft, so very warm - Your purplish- red 'CELE so heavy upon your tiny head, and heavy in my arms. Your little bare shoulders squared back as if you wanted to tell Me, "I'm okay mommy, I am okay"

Deep in my heart I knew, from the minute that I saw you, I knew we would not bring you home. I lived every single second of those short 25 hours and thirty minutes IN THE MOMENT.

In the moment I had you, In the moment we were together, In the moment there was no room for anything but Love... Beautiful, Honest, Pure, Sweet perfect Love!

Today is today. Same pain, deep deep inside my heart are the shattered pieces of my heart. A piece of my heart torn On February 13th, 2008 from knowing that despite your strong heart, your healthy organs and your perfect body; We would only wait till God decided it was the time.
On July 9th another wound to my already broken heart; despite all the prayer, all the faith, all the hope, I saw YOU brave sweet handsome you, perfectly fashioned by Gods hand, YOU. You were struggling to breath, you could barely grunt a few noises, You really couldn't cry BUT WE LOVED YOU & STILL WE wanted YOU.

25 1/2 hours later, July 10th 2008 our torn, broken, wounded hearts ripped with pain and a deep agony that only some have come to understand; As I fought so hard to keep my heavy tired eyes from closing because I wanted to see you take your last breath in my arms, And I did!

Now we begin this new season with a new hope and a new ache in our heart.
Finding out that YOU are going to be a Big Brother from that side of heaven is very bitter sweet.
I wish you could have been here! I wish you were going to be a Big Brother here, I hope that I have learned from whatever mistakes I may have made during the time I was carrying you. I hope to be a good mommy again, I hope I haven't lost in vain,

I hope WE (Me & Daddy & K & Si) will live up to whatever God is trying to do through us.

My heart is once again so mixed with deep emotion: Sad, Happy, Scared, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous.
Empty yet Full.

Before I found out "for sure" I was talking to a very dear friend I made because of YOU. I was telling her that I thought I might be pregnant and we began to share all the what if's that were spinning in my mind.

One of my biggest fears is LOVING & LOSING again. But I would do it ALL over again BECAUSE of You.

The next thing on my mind as I began to share with this very special & dear friend was a very deep concern. I am going to blog this very private thought because I hope that every person who reads this will stop & think twice before ever letting such silly hurtful words come carelessly out of our mouths ever!

I once heard a woman who had been through pregnancy loss in her own life, utter the words,
"I just wish she would miscarry" referring to another woman who was pregnant a few short months after having her 1st child.

Regardless of what marital, financial or spiritual status, I hope we can all remember that though well intended our words can sometimes cut deep and leave a scar. We are not the Author or Giver of life. Many times we think we see a mistake BUT only God knows the TRUTH of it all.

As our conversation unfolded I asked my dear friend what her thoughts were. She was honest in saying she was concerned and I am glad to have a friend like her in whom I have been able to confide in. She gives me strength to laugh, Courage to keep hoping & words of wisdom & encouragement that keep me grounded. I am blessed that you joined us along this journey.
*[you know who "you" are ;-) ]

This is our Pandora's Box another journey down this path set before us. We do not know what tomorrow holds but we know WHO holds all of our tomorrows & because He lives, We can face tomorrow.

The Handsome Stranger From My Past...

On Sunday June 27, 2004 I was standing in a sanctuary of about 1,000 people. We were all ready to begin a Worship service where we knew God would once again show Himself as; Faithful, Wonderful and Worthy.

I was in this particular service with my eyes fixed only on My Savior & My Redeemer because I had recently been involved in a very rebellious, ungodly, and painful relationship.

I was certain that I would not let anyone ever come between me & Jesus ever again!

I must admit, as the worship service unfolded I noticed a very handsome and friendly stranger standing right beside me. He was clapping and singing songs as if he was really enjoying himself!

With my pen, study journal and bible in hand I turned to the passage where Pastor Rod Haro preached about Gideon.

Once the service was over I noticed that the very handsome stranger was at the Alter.

This Handsome Stranger became my boyfriend on Tuesday, August 18th and we were married a wonderfully short 7 months later, Saturday March 5, 2005.

(he proposed to me in front of the entire church on the very Alter where he came to know Jesus)

THIS MORNING I SAW THIS VERY HANDSOME STRANGER STANDING IN FRONT OF OUR BEDROOM DOOR, AS I OPENED MY EYES AT 5:00 a.m. this morning!!!!
(I couldn't help but smile HUGE :o)

If you have been following this blog for any length of time you know we began blogging our daily journey as we travel through whichever storms, struggles, trials and triumphs that God upholds us through. This blog started after February 13th when we found out Elijah would be born in July of 2008 and all too soon leave us for Heaven.

Since that day we have been through so much!!!! Although this journey has been everything but a tip toe dance through the tulips. Our eyes haven't always seen too clearly what The Lord has in store. It hasn't all felt very soft and velvety BUT, WE KNOW HE IS WITH US. We haven't always felt Him!! BUT WE know HE has never left our side.

In His Timing and His Way and Through His People, we have been blessed. We were able to get our Jeep out of impound.

Today Steve started a side job for His Uncle. This morning I woke up and there in my bedroom door stood a very handsome stranger from my past. "Thank you Lord, for daddy's shoes for Tio Rey & Nina to give daddy shoes that work. And thank you Lord for the Jeep come out of jail AMEN!!!, JOSIAH PRAYED LAST NIGHT!!

Isn't it amazing what ONLY GOD can do!!! Steve looked so Handsome this morning. He smelled yummy too!!!!
Thank You Lord.

our life

Wondering how it is that we are supposed to "count it all joy"? Have come across people who are familiar with our struggles and they say "COUNT IT ALL JOY"(from the bible). Then there are the comments like, "GOD HAS A PLAN"

You see I was raised in church, my parents were Pastors. I accepted Jesus in my heart at the age of 8 yr. old. Lived all my childhood and my adult life (EXCEPT for 1 'rebellious' Year) serving in the church and having a very fruitful relationship with Christ.

NOW, what keeps running over and over in my head is that part in the bible that says: "AND THE CHILDREN WILL PAT FOR THE SINS OF THE FATHERS(parents).

My Siah is pretty much traumatized, too much stress and hardship for a little 3 year old!!

Last night we were going on a MOMMY& SON drive to wal-mart to get milk and he had $3.00 my mom gave him to but his NEW favorite "hot wheels"!

The light on the license plate was out, I got pulled over by a Police. I got a ticket for not having my current drivers license or the registration & Insurance in the car (the day we stood in the fod line the registration was the only thing we had with us as proof of address) and Steve had forgotten it was still in his pocket.

As soon as Josiah heard the officer say ticket He began "WHALING" I tried to comfort him and he said he was so scared. I told him it would be okay then The officer came and said, WE ARE GONNA TAKE THE CAR. The whaling started again(the officer didn't even acknowlege Josiah was scared... for all he knew I could have been an abductor & he didn't even talk to Josiah even after I told the officer my son is very scared and he has had a rough past year can you explainto him that Policemen are nice & just making sure everyone is safe? the JERK just shined his lihght in my face and said, UM YEAH than you maam for understandin my position NEVER looking at Josiah)

So now our JEEP is in jail ;) and we have to figure out how we are going to get it out cause it costs money. Monday is a holiday and Tuesday Steve is supposed to start his 1st day of work. Josiah has Pre-school picture day @ 8:30 in the morning!!! and his 1st scrimmage on Tuesday night before the BIG game on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEEE! I WONDER WHY I FEEL SO UNMOTIVATED & DEPRESSED?!?!?

Crystal Beaded Bracelets...

My heart was so heavy for Kakie's family. I wanted desperatly to do "SOMTHING" for them. I am so glad I have always been such a pack rat ;) about 8 years ago when I lived in my apartment, I had begun to collect scrap booking supplies. stickers, ribbons, beads, letter beads, glitter decals and paints & stencils & paint brushes. Every now & then I would let Kayla get into my box & let her make stuff. Last Christmas she got her very own Card Making kit & I had forgotte all about my BOX.

I found the most beautiful whitle glass beads and the perfect dangling red heart.... I was scrambling through the box cause I couldn't just send one bracelet for Kake how about her little sister Ashley?!?!

Thank God I found just exactly what I needed & this morning Steve went to meet Kakie & their fam to give Kay & Ashley the cutest rememberance bracelets and a card for each of them.

NOW, i am here at home with fancy little Moriah. She is sick & not allowed to be in "baby-college"

her moma is on her way from having court this morning.

Kito Ben took Moriah to the Dr. & I met him there to bring her home with me cause Kito-Ben has a dr. appointment.

I am truely blessed, to have family that always tries to pull together (FOR THE MOST PART) but we have our "moments" jsut like everyother family.

For now I am sitting in a SPIC & SPAN HOUSE doone by my sweet heart. He is with my mom @ a rummage sale & donation place then they will pick up Si & come home.

ME & Riah are just chillin in a cool -"CLEAN" living room listenining to lullabies!.

I ambeginning to wonder who likes lullabies more, ME or the kids????? I THINK ME :)

Our Kakie Is In Mourning......

We just got off the phone with our sweet girl! Her cousin just lost her battle with cancer. So much death that my sweet girl has had to face in such a short time period.

She will be staying at her moms again this weekend. I spoke with Janet and told her they would be in our prayers. Please pray for her Sister who is the mother to Bree (Kay's cousin).

Oh my heart just breaks for them all. She was a just two years older than our Kakie.

Also pray for Kay's grandma(Janet's mom).

There just aren't any words............ Oh what hardships my little Princess has had to endure.

And it keeps on comming...

So, for those of you who might be fed up with my recent postings.... .... ....PLEASE DON NOT READ THIS ONE EITHER cause it isn't any better than this whole past year. SO many other bloggers who have lost a child have such beautifully encouraging posts to share. Posts that uplift and build faith in the readers.

MINE, not at all it has been one thing after another after another and I seem to have less & less good to share than any one out there.
I CERTAINLY AM NOT POSTING TO GET PITTY NOR ARE MY POSTS INTENED TO MAKE MY BLOG FRIENDS THINK I AM ASKING FOR A HAND OUT
* i just wanna say whats on my mind:
We got NO CHECK from the welfare in the mail today! put in our last $ 2.00 in gas to get SI to school. Went to pick him up and we ran out of gas about 2 miles from home. I know 2 miles is nothing BUT it was long & hot for Si.

When he asked me why we were stopping, I said, "the gas is running out" he immediatley prayed, "thank you Lord for our gas dont run out amen" (Silent tears flowing down my face under my sunglasses)
I put the jeep in park and afterabout 1 minute he said, "okay mom lets go cause its hot"
when I told him what run out of gas means, he started crying really loud and then I said baby we are okay we will just go for a walk and he cried out I dont want are jeep to die. I unbucked and said baby our jeep is not dying we just gotta get money and put gas in it and then it will turn on. SO I took him out of his car seat and with a furroughed brow and a deep sigh he said, "LORD YOU NO GOOD NO MORE". I hugged him and i said baby maybe Jesus just wants us to go for a walk & hear the birds. We wiped away his tears and then Like a little man he said, "mom make sure all the doors are locked".
We walked home facing the sun and I made it as fun as I possibly could by singing songs, counting trees, cars and "reading" signs we passed(not letting him notice me wipe my tears).

His tiny little legs were so tired(after a busy day at preschool) I carried him whenever I could but he is getting so big now.

The hardest part was when we passed Mc donalds andhe said mommy lets go play I said not today baby then about a block further we passed the donut shop, subway, chinese, the smoothie store and he just looked up at me and asked, "no money huh moma" with a huge knot in my throat I managedan Mhhuh eith a nod and about three blocks further very close to our house we were right in front of a mexican restaurant that we have gone to onvery special ocasions and he said, "momma i got a good great idea - we should go on a date and tell daddy to dont have a fever and we could have a date and eat chips & salsa and you & daddy can eat a PEPSI, we should! you want to momma" I said no baby daddy is sick and its too hot out hear and he said, "momma and we don't got no money for gas or for a date huh moma cause Lord say no"

I picked him up one last time and said, " baby lets count how many numbers till we cross this big street" "we ran across the street in 18 - 7" he said! I put him down we were all sweaty and hot and now daddy had to get up and walk back to get the jeep & pray that $1.65 in change will get the jeep home.

Oh and we had a deadline for a "certian bill" and we got it extended till today at 5:30 and now I know we will lose that too!

And I'm sure it will keep on comming.... rent, soaps, toilet paper ... all things we have no money for not to mention gas for transportation

I was so proud of Steve though when I told him what Josiah had said he called him from his room and picked him up into his arms and sat on the couch with him and said, "son - you know how you prayed for the jeep to not run out of gas? (si nodded) Well son daddy wnats you to know thet The Lord is ALWAYS good baby boy its just that He was probably busy sending miracles to other people son. YOU know how we always get miracles and blessings and He always helps our prayers well maybe today was someone elses turn son. BUT HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND HE IS GOOD! Si said, "okay dad but he should have helped us today because today we dont have gas & no more quarters" Yes son but HE IS HELPING US OKAY steve said. " okay dad I understand"

I was in the kitchen making up somthing for lunch and I just had to smile
I TRUELY DO HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!!! we are blessed