So, for those of you who might be fed up with my recent postings.... .... ....PLEASE DON NOT READ THIS ONE EITHER cause it isn't any better than this whole past year. SO many other bloggers who have lost a child have such beautifully encouraging posts to share. Posts that uplift and build faith in the readers.
MINE, not at all it has been one thing after another after another and I seem to have less & less good to share than any one out there.
I CERTAINLY AM NOT POSTING TO GET PITTY NOR ARE MY POSTS INTENED TO MAKE MY BLOG FRIENDS THINK I AM ASKING FOR A HAND OUT
* i just wanna say whats on my mind:
We got NO CHECK from the welfare in the mail today! put in our last $ 2.00 in gas to get SI to school. Went to pick him up and we ran out of gas about 2 miles from home. I know 2 miles is nothing BUT it was long & hot for Si.
When he asked me why we were stopping, I said, "the gas is running out" he immediatley prayed, "thank you Lord for our gas dont run out amen" (Silent tears flowing down my face under my sunglasses)
I put the jeep in park and afterabout 1 minute he said, "okay mom lets go cause its hot"
when I told him what run out of gas means, he started crying really loud and then I said baby we are okay we will just go for a walk and he cried out I dont want are jeep to die. I unbucked and said baby our jeep is not dying we just gotta get money and put gas in it and then it will turn on. SO I took him out of his car seat and with a furroughed brow and a deep sigh he said, "LORD YOU NO GOOD NO MORE". I hugged him and i said baby maybe Jesus just wants us to go for a walk & hear the birds. We wiped away his tears and then Like a little man he said, "mom make sure all the doors are locked".
We walked home facing the sun and I made it as fun as I possibly could by singing songs, counting trees, cars and "reading" signs we passed(not letting him notice me wipe my tears).
His tiny little legs were so tired(after a busy day at preschool) I carried him whenever I could but he is getting so big now.
The hardest part was when we passed Mc donalds andhe said mommy lets go play I said not today baby then about a block further we passed the donut shop, subway, chinese, the smoothie store and he just looked up at me and asked, "no money huh moma" with a huge knot in my throat I managedan Mhhuh eith a nod and about three blocks further very close to our house we were right in front of a mexican restaurant that we have gone to onvery special ocasions and he said, "momma i got a good great idea - we should go on a date and tell daddy to dont have a fever and we could have a date and eat chips & salsa and you & daddy can eat a PEPSI, we should! you want to momma" I said no baby daddy is sick and its too hot out hear and he said, "momma and we don't got no money for gas or for a date huh moma cause Lord say no"
I picked him up one last time and said, " baby lets count how many numbers till we cross this big street" "we ran across the street in 18 - 7" he said! I put him down we were all sweaty and hot and now daddy had to get up and walk back to get the jeep & pray that $1.65 in change will get the jeep home.
Oh and we had a deadline for a "certian bill" and we got it extended till today at 5:30 and now I know we will lose that too!
And I'm sure it will keep on comming.... rent, soaps, toilet paper ... all things we have no money for not to mention gas for transportation
I was so proud of Steve though when I told him what Josiah had said he called him from his room and picked him up into his arms and sat on the couch with him and said, "son - you know how you prayed for the jeep to not run out of gas? (si nodded) Well son daddy wnats you to know thet The Lord is ALWAYS good baby boy its just that He was probably busy sending miracles to other people son. YOU know how we always get miracles and blessings and He always helps our prayers well maybe today was someone elses turn son. BUT HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND HE IS GOOD! Si said, "okay dad but he should have helped us today because today we dont have gas & no more quarters" Yes son but HE IS HELPING US OKAY steve said. " okay dad I understand"
I was in the kitchen making up somthing for lunch and I just had to smile
I TRUELY DO HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!!! we are blessed
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You are in my prayers. You are doing as you should, trusting God and teaching your son to trust God. It will be ok. I don't know how and I don't know when. I'm going to pray it's soon.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you,
Lindsay
p.s. this was a faith inspiring blog post!
Oh hon, stay strong. Easier said than done, I know. Great people do great things. Keep being GREAT to yourself, your husband, and your children. It'll get you far... waaaaaay beyond that gas station, donut shop, and McDonalds. Thinking of all of you.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and strength. I've been silent because of my Ezra's anniversary, but I've been reading your struggles and thinking of you. We're having serious money troubles too - its so hard and unsettling in every way.
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