Our Pandora's Box

The season is changing once again, With the new breeze blowing the chimes on our front porch and that very same wind blowing freshly washed towels and bedding on our clothes line in the back.

I stood in our back yard taking in the smell of freshly wet dirt from the first over night rain...

"if this is a brand new season, then why does this place feel So familiar? The pain in my heart, the reality of loss, questions running through my mind, overwhelming raw emotions.

I began to walk back up our back steps and to my right I see Elijah's Garden. The sky looks just like it did last year. My heart misses my sweet baby & I find myself in a day dream of what could have been. He would have ALREADY celebrated his 1st birthday, He would certainly be walking, actually he would be talking... ... IF he didn't have an ENCEPHALOCELE, IF he had only lived.

Is it possible to have a pain that will never fade, a pain that a smile or a laugh cannot erase.

Many changes have come our way. But none can take away what GOD chose to hand to US. We love in a different deeper way just because of 9 months of feeling him, loving him and wanting him and 25 hours and thirty minutes of holding him, watching him, hearing him all the while trying to find the strength deep within to say GOOD BYE.

In any second of any day I can close my eyes and I hear him, I smell him... So soft, so very warm - Your purplish- red 'CELE so heavy upon your tiny head, and heavy in my arms. Your little bare shoulders squared back as if you wanted to tell Me, "I'm okay mommy, I am okay"

Deep in my heart I knew, from the minute that I saw you, I knew we would not bring you home. I lived every single second of those short 25 hours and thirty minutes IN THE MOMENT.

In the moment I had you, In the moment we were together, In the moment there was no room for anything but Love... Beautiful, Honest, Pure, Sweet perfect Love!

Today is today. Same pain, deep deep inside my heart are the shattered pieces of my heart. A piece of my heart torn On February 13th, 2008 from knowing that despite your strong heart, your healthy organs and your perfect body; We would only wait till God decided it was the time.
On July 9th another wound to my already broken heart; despite all the prayer, all the faith, all the hope, I saw YOU brave sweet handsome you, perfectly fashioned by Gods hand, YOU. You were struggling to breath, you could barely grunt a few noises, You really couldn't cry BUT WE LOVED YOU & STILL WE wanted YOU.

25 1/2 hours later, July 10th 2008 our torn, broken, wounded hearts ripped with pain and a deep agony that only some have come to understand; As I fought so hard to keep my heavy tired eyes from closing because I wanted to see you take your last breath in my arms, And I did!

Now we begin this new season with a new hope and a new ache in our heart.
Finding out that YOU are going to be a Big Brother from that side of heaven is very bitter sweet.
I wish you could have been here! I wish you were going to be a Big Brother here, I hope that I have learned from whatever mistakes I may have made during the time I was carrying you. I hope to be a good mommy again, I hope I haven't lost in vain,

I hope WE (Me & Daddy & K & Si) will live up to whatever God is trying to do through us.

My heart is once again so mixed with deep emotion: Sad, Happy, Scared, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous.
Empty yet Full.

Before I found out "for sure" I was talking to a very dear friend I made because of YOU. I was telling her that I thought I might be pregnant and we began to share all the what if's that were spinning in my mind.

One of my biggest fears is LOVING & LOSING again. But I would do it ALL over again BECAUSE of You.

The next thing on my mind as I began to share with this very special & dear friend was a very deep concern. I am going to blog this very private thought because I hope that every person who reads this will stop & think twice before ever letting such silly hurtful words come carelessly out of our mouths ever!

I once heard a woman who had been through pregnancy loss in her own life, utter the words,
"I just wish she would miscarry" referring to another woman who was pregnant a few short months after having her 1st child.

Regardless of what marital, financial or spiritual status, I hope we can all remember that though well intended our words can sometimes cut deep and leave a scar. We are not the Author or Giver of life. Many times we think we see a mistake BUT only God knows the TRUTH of it all.

As our conversation unfolded I asked my dear friend what her thoughts were. She was honest in saying she was concerned and I am glad to have a friend like her in whom I have been able to confide in. She gives me strength to laugh, Courage to keep hoping & words of wisdom & encouragement that keep me grounded. I am blessed that you joined us along this journey.
*[you know who "you" are ;-) ]

This is our Pandora's Box another journey down this path set before us. We do not know what tomorrow holds but we know WHO holds all of our tomorrows & because He lives, We can face tomorrow.