HUMBLE PIE

Steve & I stood in a food bank line for 6 and a half hours today. We made ourselves useful & collected plastic water bottles to recycle for a little bit of cash. Once Josiah was out of school we made it into a game "collecting & counting empty water bottles".

He behaved so well!!! My sweet boy. All the while there was a girl in front of us, pushing a stroller with her son, named "Elijah" who was born on July 10th.

I cannot begin to say how many times I was asked is he(referring to Si) your only child? Only to be followed by comments like, "AWWW you are so mean! he needs a little brother" or, "you don't like kids? is that why you just have him?

LIFE IS PAINFULLY CRUEL sometimes and for us it has been for quite some time now!

So today we had our full helping of humble pie!!!

*(since I have already received several emails asking how it is we have internet if we are in such a financial bind; to answer that question once and for all - we have internet because it came with our TV service on June 11th when the digital transition took place. AT THE TIME I STILL HAD A JOB SO I TOOK THE DEAL, but our utilities are being shut off one at a time and very soon I will not be blogging or getting on Face Book. hope that satisfies the curious questions :)

Oh and just in case you were wondering YES, STEVE IS STILL "looking" for WORK.
and NO I don't think we are mismanaging our finances, cause we don't have finances :)

BUT for those of you who see us on a day to day basis WE WILL KEEP THE SMILES ON OUR FACES & NOT bring up our saddness of missing Elijah "because, WE ARE BLESSED" and we wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.....

"HOW DEEP, GODS TOUCH"

"T'is so sweet to trust in Jesus... HARD, yes VERY HARD & PAINFUL TOO! (in the flesh) but so sweet & refreshing to our souls when in the middle of the raging storm we hear Him whisper softly "I AM"! AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE....

I am about to share something I was going to keep to myself, but I truley believe with ALL my heart, mind & soul that SOME ONE NEEDS to hear this:

Some of you may know what I am about to share to a more personal level but for THE MANY who DO NOT know "HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH"here it goes:

I have been so transparent (maybe too much at times). I have written ALL my frustrations, my hurts, almost every emotion.

so this is to share what I have just learned through prayer time (just now)...
Steve & I are on this blog because, on Feb 13, 2008 we found out Elijah had an illness that would take him way too soon. I never knew that morning "HOW DEEPLY GOD'S TOUCH" would come upon our lives and change forever the course of our lives in every way.
With that news I became so devastated, although I remained strong fro quite some time. My prayer life changed, my faith changed, my marriage changed, the way I viewed things changed, my kids changed, my friendships & family relationships changed. Soon it all began to become evident in every area of our lives that GOD was doing "something BIG", something painful yet so precious.

You all know this road has been so hard (to put it mildly)
BUT TONIGHT!!!! Tonight during a moment of intimacy with MY LORD, MY SAVIOR, MY JESUS.... He revealed to me "HOW DEEP, GOD'S TOUCH".

See YOU ALL have read that we are in such a deep, desperate financial crisis!
THE AMAZINGLY, WONDERFUL NEWS is that tonight, as I was laying with 'Siah and praying he fell asleep. I wept before GOD, in my spirit & HE GAVE ME A GLIMPS of "HOW DEEP GODS TOUCH"
I am not saying IT is all PERFECT! On the contrary; because

• Steve is still getting really great job leads with high recommendations, Almost a guarantee by people who do the hiring! AND YET, no job!! = "HIS TIMING"!
  
• I am dealing with an overwhelming load of emotions that it has started to inhibit my ability to function to my fullest capacity in many areas of my life = ???
• 'Siah is processing and dealing with the reality of DEATH at such a young age = ???
• Kay is dealing with our sitaution, and having quite a difficult time doing so (on top of "THIS" she also has an entirly different life she lives at her moms & by the way her little cousin is fighting cancer *(PLEASE PRAY FOR JANET'S NIECE) = ???
  
• Our marriage of only almost five years has endured so much stress, grief & heart ache that I often wonder HOW we are still woven so tightly together!= "HIS WILL"
• This house we are in is a miracle in itself because we have been behind on our rent for so long now that IT IS ONLY BY HIS MERCY that we still have a roof over our heads and a home in which our K & 'Si are able to sleep safely. I pray every night & morning for God to Please touch our landlords heart so that he doesn't come to give us another notice & we still don't know if tomorrow morning we get it but for now we have a place = "HIS MERCY"
• Our transportation situation is, a plain miracle of God that it is still mobile and how it passed smog is beyond me. = "HIS PROVISION"
• Our utilities are being paid by the income I am able to bring in, but I have been on a medical leave for 2 weeks = ???
• In Kay's very own words to us last night with tears all over her precious sweet face, "but it is one thing after another and on top of those things more stuff and more stuff just keeps piling up on us and we are all so hard! It is so hard" = PAIN for us because we have no answers

But tonight, Tonight I was given some kind of hope, of truth that I can't even seem to fully comprehend myself & as I try to explain it I just can't say it plainly and I know my grammer is just horrible but, I MUST write how, I KNOW that ALL that we have gone through, all that we don't have, all that we have lost; GOD IS, THE I AM! just like it says in the bible.

GOD HAS TOUCHED OUR LIVES SO DEEPLY and for this and through this we will be renewed and He will restore to us the Joy of our first love! He will make a way where there is no path, He is mighty to save, He is with us in the valleys, His Touch will keep us, His love is amazing!!

*I will not fear of tomorrow for you are with me your rod & your staff they comfort me.
* In my weakness You are strong.

Thats all :D much love to all of you who continue to love & support us with your kind words on this journey & I am anticipating how else Christ will prove himself so real in the lives of my children, my husband and myself!
HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH = ? or !

Josiah's 1st day of school

Here is a picture of Josiah, on his 1st day of school!
this is the school office I used to work in when I met his daddy. I worked here until Josiah was born.

So having 'Si go to school here is like taking him to an extended family's place cause I worked with all the teachers & staff from 1999 to 2006 :)

My only "real" concern is that (HE WILL BE SO COMFORTABLE & FAMILIAR WITH THE SCHOOL & ALL THE STAFF THAT HE WILL FEEL SO FREE TO WANDER AROUND CAMPUS)

through the eyes of my Pre-schooler!

My heart is so heavy..... (so what's new?) It seems like right when I take a step forward then its one or two in the opposite direction.

My heart is so heavy for my precious 'Siah.....

He has been playing "DIE" alot these past four or five days & talking about "SPECIAL CRIBS", "HEAVEN", "SEE GOD", and making us all take turns "DIEing".

He asks very politely and pleads that we (me & K) play with him. Steve is WAY SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE with this and Kakie is a little bit too, but we (she & I) follow along with him because the grief counselor told us that this is his way of processing & dealing with his grief.

It just hurts and is very hard for me because it feels so Sad & even makes me a bit angry(too be quite frank); WHY? there's that question again... The question with no "real" answer or no answer that really helps me out! WHY US? WHY MY BABY? WHY MY 'SI & K? why??!?!?!?

Cause, "you guys are so brave"; cause, "God knew you could handle it"; cause, "some one else needs you to understand them";

JUST SO NOT FARE, I wish we weren't going through this. Wish I was busy with a 1 year old and tugging him along to take his big brother to his 1st day of school. BUT instead GOD SAW FIT that my 'Si & my sweet, precious K deal with a whole lot of DEATH!! and I have no 1 year old & 'Si & K have no baby brother(HERE)!

* HUGE KNOT IN MY THROAT AND TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE(again)!! and my two little blessings are sleeping together... just the 2 of them cause their bubba is in heaven.

tonight - 'Si said, "kayla, lets die together and I be with you" he jumped on the couch with her and they both closed their eyes then 'Siah screemed out, "GOD!!! oh, GOD I MISSED YOU!! WE ARE HERE GOD!!!"
Kay joined in (laughing and saying GOD we are here and she was going on and on repeating the same thing) then out of no where he got off the couch very matter of fact and said, "okay- mom we are down now. Kay, no more GOD, lets color"

STEVE hates for him to play this but that lady told me to let him feel safe to express himself that it is healthy for him.

UGGGGHHHHHHH, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Day At A Time...

trying to live & breath just one day at a time

JANAE & TATA & Logi

oh my girls!! I LOVE YOU TOO SO MUCH!! sorry we didn't pick you girs up on the week we told you but Uncle Steve's dad passed away. I dont have your mom number babies BUT WE MISS YOU ALOT you girls can email us at stv.mre@ gmail.com When do you guys go back to school?
Oh girls you made me smile tonight!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS & LOGI BEAR TOO!!

STRUGGLING

so tired of the climb!!! life is so hard! so unfair! & yet has such sweet, sweet moments; just that today for some reason is just plain TUFF!

Steve is still not working! I had a Pastor tell me to coninue to
~TRUST in The Lords DIVINE plan for our life~

But it is just bothering me that people (my brother) is talking about steve, "WELL IF STEVE WOULD JUST GET UP & GET A JOB......."

why is it that the SWEET RREASSURING WORDS seem to fade so easily & yet the negative leaves a lasting sting that just lingers on and on.

Being broken just doesn't "feel" good! I guess I should think of how my Lord felt while taking "MY" punishment on that cross!

"LORD BE MY STRENGTH TODAY"

July is almost over

Kayla was at her moms house for his B-day.

WE BLEW BUBBLES & SANG HIM A VERY TEARFUL "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 'LIJAH"

Mom & Minn & Maddie came out, It was way too hot for Beth to come with 'Riah

July is almost over and the weather is starting to change.... to autumn weather OKAY NOT THAT MUCH, but the night skys are looking orangier(if thats even a word)

and I am still trying to be whoever I am supposed to be now - 1 year later.

ITS NOT AN EASY ROAD AT ALL & I COMPLETELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "HIS" PLAN (right now).

We are living everday as best as we can. We have good days but then there are some VERY HARD days!!

HAPPY 1st Birthday!!!

~Memories~

If we could have a lifetime wish

A dream that would come true,

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

FOr yesturday & you.

A thousand words can't bring you back

We know because we've tried...

Niether A thousand tears

We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

And Happy Memories too...

BUt we never wanted memories

We only wanted you

(unknown)

Our hearts are so painfully torn.

We know the truth of heaven but it just doesn't

give us YOU!

We wanted to see you crawl, walk, roll

We wanted to sing Happy Birthday to You

I wanted you to say Mama

Josiah wanted to have a bubu to play with

Kayla wanted to hold you more & more

Daddy wanted to carry you upon his shoulders.

WHY? you had to go.... I just don't know!

My life will forever be changed because there was you.

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

IT JUST HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY???????
and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!?!?!

I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

Friday we celebrated 4th of July. We had friends & Family over for a BBQ. Saturday morning we had to take Kakie back to her 1st momma's. Steve stayed home to RELAX... He worked SOOOO hard getting the house ready for company.

There is an Old Fashion Country Store on the corner of Jensen & Clovis Ave. Called Simonian Fruit Co. the outside is decorated with all kinds of early 1900 agricultural farming equipment including an old 1900 crank up Mac Truck.

Growing up in the Central San Joaquin Valley & not being a boy; I guess I have taken that place for granted. During October it serves as a pumpkin Patch with a hay ride and all. During December it serves as a tree farm including Christmas carroling and hot cider.

I guess other than those two holidays it was not an eye catcher for me but Josiah on the other hand has noticed this place more than once as we pass it on a weekly basis to take sister home.

We had just dropped K off with her mom and as we drove out of the parking lot 'Siah asked, "Momma please can we go see all those tractors & trains?.... some day momma?"

As the light turned green, without answering him a single word I turned and went into Simonian Fruit Co. Parking lot. He squeeled with excitement, "TODAY? MOMMA?!"

We got off and I let him lead the way! We were there for WELL OVER 1 and a half hours. We went into the old Red caboose and explored and took pictures, he got on a 1898 Harvester, he left absolutley no piece of equipment unexplored. then we went inside the country store and looked at the model train that goes around the entire store.

By the time we left he was covered in grey from all the dust on the farm equpment he tried out!

I had left the camera at home notthinking we would be doing anything - so I had to take pic's with the phone my dad gave us; so now I just gotta figure out how to get those from the phone :)

I AM SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A MOMMY & 'SIAH DATE!!! (It had been since April that I started working that I had not had any 1 on 1 quality time with him)

I miss him so much!!! I might just be emotional cause Elijah's 1st B-day is this Thursday but everything is making me cry.

BUT I AM HAPPY BECAUE OF A WONDERFUL WEEKEND & I KNOW GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US through this weekend comming up!

THRILLED!!!

Beth (ya-ya) & Tony took my kids since this morning for a Nina & nino date :) they were supposed to go watch ICE AGE @ 2 O'clock this afternoon. Steve just called. It is 4:30 and Tony called him to tell him the kids would be late because they are just now going in to see the movie!!
WOOOOOO WHOOOOO! do you know what this means!!!
#1 a quiet ride home :)
#2 a good 30 minutes to talk to Steve UNINTERUPTED!!!
#3 I will be all relaxed by the time the kids get home :)

I'm such a simple girl to please!!!

Blah!

just feeling blah, sorta draggin and heavy hearted. It hasn't even been 1 year since we had Elijah nad now Dad, Ugh! I talked to my dad last night he had been worried about us. I am having these real wierd moments of PANIC about who's next!!

AND this economy is way out of wack too! Steve still can't find a job and this is fruit harvest season - we have all kinds of people picking fruit YET NO JOB for HIM!

I believe in faith but I think my faith is running on fumes right now.

our welfare check was cut as well as so many other things here in California, and we were just starting to feel like we were climbing out of this hole. IN MY HEART I AM SCREAMING 'I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE'

It has been one storm after another, after another and then they just keep comming!!

I know we are blessed but our landlord can only wait so long!!! and every 30 days a new rent is due. we have been giving him weekley payment s to try to catch up but it seem like we are sinking in quick sand.

I told Steve last night, "you know I just want to give up" and he looked at me and said "okay we give up and do what?"

I dont know but I sure am tired of always living on the verge of losing it all!!

I SURE DO NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS & hugs would sure be nice. Steve asked me to take the kids to my sisters so he could have some time alone. HE IS SURE MISSING HIS DADDY.

Back at work

I had been off Since Friday, making arrangements for Dad's services. It all went well - Now I am just TRYING to get back in the swing of things here at work. I'm not very motivated today but it could just be that I'm tired. The services were a beautiful tribute to Dad.

I'm now 36 years old (YIKES!) my b-day was a bit un- celebrated & Beth forgot to call me :(LITTLE TURKEY!!!!)

Kayla read a poem at Papa's memorial service & Josiah decided to NOT sing or play his guitar in front of A WHOLE BUNCH OF crying strangers who he had never met.

This is why you should NEVER depend on a 3 and a 1/2 year old 'musician' as part of the program for something like this cause they tend to run on their OWN schedule. l.o.l

'Lijah has his Papa by his side

'Lijah's Papa is home now. 'Lijah's head stone came in. They will be setting it in on Monday..My b-day. (too bad I gotta be at work).

Kakie & 'Siah's Papa

We took the kids in to see Papa. Josiah sat on Papa's bed and played his guitar and sang him Dad's song. Kake squeezed me tight as the room filled with tears. She was very upset (angry) that her Papa had to be so sick and she was not accepting things well at all!! I am SOOOOOOOOO greatful that Janet allowed us to pick her up and bring her with us. they took all life support off at around 4ish and we were told he would only take 10 breaths and then pass.

It is almost 16 hours and Papa is still breathing ON HIS OWN!!!! Dad is not only a fighter but a very prideful, stubborn old man (said with lots of LOVE), and I know he is DETERMINED to do things HIS WAY!!!!! :)

Just got off the phone with Steve, Dr. just called to say they are SO SURPRISED!!! becasue Dad is doing so well that they are putting him in his own regular room AND that there is a chance he might get to go home with hospice care.

PLEASE pray MY day goes by fast I'm tired, tired, tired!!!

Papa is on his way to heaven too :(

Dad (Steve's dad) has been in the hospital since Friday. He had a massive stroke and has continued to have them since. Steve just called me at work and told me to leave early.

Josiah said, "Papa is on his way to heaven to be with 'Lijah"

PLEASE keep us in your prayers

Kayla will be so sad. Sweet girl

It's getting closer

it's getting closer to my sweet Elijah's 1 year!!

We have had to keep moving forward... somthing that felt so impossible;
just happened - TIME has passed.

This weekend we were at the hospital with my Father in law. He had a stroke. As we walked around the hospital in and out of the elevators and back & forth to the cafeteria, Kayla kept holding my hand and as we would pass a certain spot she would give my hand a squeeze and whisper, "mommy, thats where we sat when 'Lijah was born" or Mom - this is what I ate when 'Lijah... went to heaven" or " mommy we took this elevator up to see you riht before 'Lijah was born and we were in a big hurry; but except you & daddy weren't with us"

My sweetheart. She is so worried about her Papa.

Still can't decide what we are going to do for 'Lijah's heaven day...

MONTHLY

I'm feeling VERY 'hormonaly,womanly, roaringly moody'
I feel like I just wanna cry.
My mom is undergoing some medical tests she has been very sick for a few weeks. Medical testing scheduled for Friday morning (pray for her).

I DON'T WANNA BE A GROUCH! I would really covet your prayers.
"MY ADORABLE CHILDREN & HUBBY WOULD TOO" (I am certain of that)

If any one knows of some good anti-, bloating cramping mood rememdy PLEASE FEEL FREE TO drop me a line :)

Kay & 'Si are having a blast at home. Seem's Steve has turned our house into 'DADDY FUN CAMP' :)
(Beth's girls are over for a few days)
I gotta remember to brign the camera to post pic's

I LOVE IT !!

I love the new look on my 'Lijah's blog :)
thanks for all your work Lyndsay
So I gotta share my new love & passion for turtles:
(I had been dealing with a tugging in my heart for turtles since Oct or Nov)
I had no idea why just that every time I saw a little turtle picture, figurine, etc. I felt a fuzzy warm feeling in my heart about Elijah. The only thing I could put together was how passive our 'Lijah was.

Well, just last week I read a beautiful article about sea turtles... how the momma's swim against the curents and waves to get onto the shore to work feverishly to make a nest where their baby turtles can be born. Once the baby turtles are born they must take a chance to get back into the safety of the ocean, passing the dangers that lurk on their journey ie. crabs, people, birds of many types. At the end of the article it says how once at the bottom of the ocean they have reached thier eternity.

Our 'Lijah reached his eternity :)

I had never read such an amazing article but it sure touched my heart, in such a beautiful way.

AGAIN THANKS LYNDSAY for fixing up my page :)