I woke up this morning - feeling okay. Steve went on another job interview. He got back. Suddenly WHAM! a rush of emotions just slammed me! I look around and I know I am blessed. I just wonder when will I feel it? I HONESTLY feel like all I have been doing on my blog is complaining about what I don't have and all my woes. I am grateful for my family, my church and all the things I am blessed to have.
I just wonder... I wonder sometimes; WHAT? what are you showing me Lord? WHAT? what do you want me to see? WHERE? where are you taking me to Lord? WHERE? where do you want me to go?WHY? why is it so long? Why do I not understand?
I wonder... I even talked to Steve the other day; the bible speaks of blessings and cursing... I guess you can tell where I feel we are.
Things just seem to get harder and harder. Mom doesn't seem to understand she thinks this is all about Elijah. I don't know, is it? could be I guess.
I mean we are doing all we can to stay a float. Staying faithful in church, trying to stay focused, looking for jobs, going on interviews - things just seem to get harder and harder. Now the stupid county is saying they are not going to pay for Josiah's school for some dumb discrepancy thing. Josiah loves school he had just gotten over the attachment issues and now trying to get in to see my worker to dispute this matter is taking forever. She said she has an opening on Friday (1 week since this whole stuff started).
On top of this Steve. He is depressed I know it and he won't admit it. He's not talking, and just wants to sleep. He got back from the interview and layed down. He keeps saying he is tired and needs to sleep. I am trying to be understanding. I don't want to irritate him. I just feel so very overwhelmed.
We are not a people who just want to live on handouts!!!! WE JUST WANT JOBS!! we want to feel like things are finally going in the right direction.
I'm just tired and overwhelmed, confused and weary. I KNOW THE BIBLE I FEEL HIM COMFORT ME, I DO.
I just wish I didn't feel like I do. I feel like we are being punished for something. I keep telling the Lord to show me, that I will fix whatever needs to be fixed. I'm just so tired of all the stress.
I wish Steve would just talk. I know he is very stressed. I can tell. The other day he told me something that I am not real sure what to do with. We were talking and he said "you don't look happy any more, I remember when we first met your eyes and face smiled even when you weren't smiling - You used to be a happy person and now I can't make you happy, maybe it's me"
I said nothing because I didn't know what to say.
PLEASE PRAY. I know I'm complaining and whining and crying and complaining AGAIN
please just pray
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
BLESSED!
My heart was so blessed by those of you who responded to praying for Becky's husband!
Bob is still having chest pains and is waiting on more blood tests which will decide if he needs to undergo another surgery.
Melissa, I tried to add her blog link like you said (and by the way THANK'S for taking time to show me how to do this) However, Becky's blog says something about a tema member; I don't want to bother her with the trivial stuff right now.
I will keep you all updated as to Bob's progress. I know your faithfulness in praying for Bob & Becky and their family is uplifting them.
A very special thank you to the 3 of you who went through my comments in order to find her blog & let her know you were praying!
I know God sees all of the others who are being ferverent in praying for Bob even if you were unable to leave her a comment. The important thing is for all of us to unite inprayer on their behalf!
**************************************************************************************
Tonight we came home from church & after dinner we (Steve, Josiah & I) sat on the couch together and relaxed. I was so blessed to just have time to relax and be together :)
I was rubbing Steve's feet and Josiah jumped up into daddy's arms and streched out his little legs and said, "Mommy my toes - mine like daddy too" (little turkey - He's just like his daddy)
Steve & I have been busy with church stuff we are volunteering for, so comming home early tonight was a true blessing.
Friday will be 3 months since Elijah went home to heaven. I am a little bit nervous about my emotions because when I think 3 months, I remember when Josiah turned 3 months we made a day at the mall for lunch walking him in the stroller and a portrait sitting.
In my heart, I feel like what can I do? how can I pour as much into celebrating & honoring Elijah's 3 months in heaven as we did for Josiah?
I know that sounds weird huh? it feels weird to me too but I just feel like this.
Friday is also Beth's due date to deliver Moriah! I'm nervous about that... Steve is too!
Bob is still having chest pains and is waiting on more blood tests which will decide if he needs to undergo another surgery.
Melissa, I tried to add her blog link like you said (and by the way THANK'S for taking time to show me how to do this) However, Becky's blog says something about a tema member; I don't want to bother her with the trivial stuff right now.
I will keep you all updated as to Bob's progress. I know your faithfulness in praying for Bob & Becky and their family is uplifting them.
A very special thank you to the 3 of you who went through my comments in order to find her blog & let her know you were praying!
I know God sees all of the others who are being ferverent in praying for Bob even if you were unable to leave her a comment. The important thing is for all of us to unite inprayer on their behalf!
**************************************************************************************
Tonight we came home from church & after dinner we (Steve, Josiah & I) sat on the couch together and relaxed. I was so blessed to just have time to relax and be together :)
I was rubbing Steve's feet and Josiah jumped up into daddy's arms and streched out his little legs and said, "Mommy my toes - mine like daddy too" (little turkey - He's just like his daddy)
Steve & I have been busy with church stuff we are volunteering for, so comming home early tonight was a true blessing.
Friday will be 3 months since Elijah went home to heaven. I am a little bit nervous about my emotions because when I think 3 months, I remember when Josiah turned 3 months we made a day at the mall for lunch walking him in the stroller and a portrait sitting.
In my heart, I feel like what can I do? how can I pour as much into celebrating & honoring Elijah's 3 months in heaven as we did for Josiah?
I know that sounds weird huh? it feels weird to me too but I just feel like this.
Friday is also Beth's due date to deliver Moriah! I'm nervous about that... Steve is too!
Monday, October 6, 2008
LET US PRAY ONE FOR ANOTHER
My friend Becky just wrote & told me her husband had a heart attack & has had emergency surgery.
PLEASE VISIT HER BLOG & LET HER KNOW YOU ARE LIFTING HER UP IN PRAYER!
We all know how encouraged we have felt at the times we have been struggling the hardest and how our hearts are some how comforted by uplifting & encouraging comments left on our blog.
(I know it is not EASY to find her blog because I do not have her URL but she has left a comment on my post from last night "ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR?!")
IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO CLICK ON MY COMMENTS AND WHEN YOU See HER NAME BECKY CLICK the orange blogger icon and the name of her blog is ON BEING STILL.
I know many of you pray so PLEASE drop by her blog and let her know SHE IS BEING UPLIFTED IN HER TIME OF NEED; she has prayed for manyof us through our tough times!
PLEASE VISIT HER BLOG & LET HER KNOW YOU ARE LIFTING HER UP IN PRAYER!
We all know how encouraged we have felt at the times we have been struggling the hardest and how our hearts are some how comforted by uplifting & encouraging comments left on our blog.
(I know it is not EASY to find her blog because I do not have her URL but she has left a comment on my post from last night "ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR?!")
IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO CLICK ON MY COMMENTS AND WHEN YOU See HER NAME BECKY CLICK the orange blogger icon and the name of her blog is ON BEING STILL.
I know many of you pray so PLEASE drop by her blog and let her know SHE IS BEING UPLIFTED IN HER TIME OF NEED; she has prayed for manyof us through our tough times!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR!!!????
HE WAS VERY QUIET WHEN I LOOKED OVER TO THE DINING ROOM HE WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR - When Steve heard me say "Josiah you are not supposed to write on the floor!" Steve & I both walked to him and Steve bent down and said now I have to tale your marker away... not nice to write on floor. Immediately Josiah cried, "I'm drawing my Lijah" we sat on the floor with him and had to console our baby boy who was so devastated because we had not appreciated what he was doing... I immediately sat with him on the floor and hugged him and Steve bent to give himnmthe marker back as we told him, "thank you for making a pretty picture for Lijah, but you need to be careful to write on the paper only okay," still sobbing he said, "IT NO FIT MAMA ITS LIJAH'S GARDEN FOR HEAVEN"
I said," okay baby I like your picture for Elijah no write on the floor okay."
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Thank God for washable markers!!!
I said," okay baby I like your picture for Elijah no write on the floor okay."
.jpg)
Thank God for washable markers!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
NEW BLOGGER
Help me welcome my friend mrstracypants to blog land!!! She is a special friend of mine from church. We have known eachother for over 6 years. SHE IS SPUNKY some might say strange, I once asked myself if she was weird - then I figured SHE'S not weird she's a JESUS FREAK :)
We have become so much closer during the pregnancy, birht & death of Elijah. She is one of my ladies from TUESDAY NIGHT PRAYER
AND ALSO A PRAYER WARRIOR!!! I invite you to visit her blog(on my sidebar under friends)
If you are ever in need of prayer you can REST ASSURED THAT mrstracypants will bear your burden and intercede on your behalf!!!
We have become so much closer during the pregnancy, birht & death of Elijah. She is one of my ladies from TUESDAY NIGHT PRAYER
AND ALSO A PRAYER WARRIOR!!! I invite you to visit her blog(on my sidebar under friends)
If you are ever in need of prayer you can REST ASSURED THAT mrstracypants will bear your burden and intercede on your behalf!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Forward
I was visiting a blog and was reading of a grandma's heart & how she was missing her angel grand-baby in heaven. This baby would be 2 and 1/2 (right Becky?) Just like my Josiah.
These words came to me as I sat at my computer bowing to say a prayer of comfort & peace for this family.
So I shared with Becky but thought it would be nice to share with you all too!
"As the days move forward, the memories grow deeper & stronger roots in my heart - Never forget you little one..."
I DEDICATE THESE WORDS TO ALL OF OUR ~Little Ones~
We all are moving forward with the heavy hearted days & the memories that bring us joy & healthy tears of love.
Forward has become some what of a bitter sweet. I sat out side in the memorial garden last evening as the sun was setting. I went out to hang some laundry on the line. We are expecting our 1st rain this fall tomorrow. I looked up at the grey cloudy sky. Rain clouds and a warm breeze hovering over and a bright orange sunsetting.
My tears began to roll down my face.
Hanging Josiah's shirts, I remembered his 1st rain. He was born on December 27th and it was storming real bad that year. I remember when we got home holding my tiny little baby boy (4 lbs. - 17 inches) in my arms and standing in front of the window and telling him "rain - see the rain? that's rain. Jesus makes the rain" (he was 4 days old) He had no idea what I was saying. I was just being a mommy! Doing my job teaching my baby. Telling him things about this new world he now lived in.
I finished hanging Josiah's clothes and when I started back up the side walk to my back door, the breeze blew and my attention was drawn to Elijah's Garden. A hanging bell [thingy] that Steve just bought last week began to chime in the breeze. My face covered in tears---
I sighed "OH ELIJAH YOUR NOT GOING TO BE IN MY ARMS FRIDAY FOR OUR FIRST RAIN, SWEET BOY" *still crying now*
I sat out there till the sun went down and the back lights turned on. Steve came out first not too long after we had both been sitting there Josiah joined us. We sat there together watching Josiah run and play in his brother's memorial garden. He talks to him and blows bubble for him and sometimes it hurts so bad to see him look up in the sky and say, "for you Lijah - For you - catch it brother"(throwing a toy or a ball or blowing the bubbles up in the sky) After a while when he gets bored he'll say , "lijah no listen to me mom - he no play with me". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY , so many times I don't say anything. Thank God that most of the time he doesn't wait for an answer. i have figured that's just his way of closing the 'moment' because right after he says that, he begins to play something else. * not crying any more* ;}
I wish he had a brother or sister to play with [Kayla isn't here all the time].
I know it is perfectly okay for him to have imaginary friends [his is Mathew] Mathew is actually a friend from his first day care but he always pretends Matthew is here with him.
Matthew has just recently become "MATT". I heard Josiah arguing [yes - he argues with him. he also tattles on 'matt' when he ' josiah' drops something] he said, "Matt you better move off! move right now! MY shooooooooooooooooe! I walked into his room and his shoe was stuck under his bed's foot board. He was pulling and pulling [he had no idea I was now standing behind him] I said whats wrong and he said [face mad red] Matt won't let me my shooooo lone for be late to school" I said, "oh your shoe is stuck?" he said, "no matt" I said," okay let me get it for you" so I got his shoe and as he strapped it on he said "no do that no more matt, not nice for make me late for school" and walked out into the living room[face still red].
That just makes me feel a little sad for him. Not having a little play partner, having to make believe one up! silly little guy :)
"ALSO HERE IS A SPECIAL HELLO TO OUR FOLLOWERS,
Rebekah, Melissa, LoreleAmi, MrsRubly, Siscaboo & Jessi!!" (WE GOT 6 now!!!)
YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY !!!
These words came to me as I sat at my computer bowing to say a prayer of comfort & peace for this family.
So I shared with Becky but thought it would be nice to share with you all too!
"As the days move forward, the memories grow deeper & stronger roots in my heart - Never forget you little one..."
I DEDICATE THESE WORDS TO ALL OF OUR ~Little Ones~
We all are moving forward with the heavy hearted days & the memories that bring us joy & healthy tears of love.
Forward has become some what of a bitter sweet. I sat out side in the memorial garden last evening as the sun was setting. I went out to hang some laundry on the line. We are expecting our 1st rain this fall tomorrow. I looked up at the grey cloudy sky. Rain clouds and a warm breeze hovering over and a bright orange sunsetting.
My tears began to roll down my face.
Hanging Josiah's shirts, I remembered his 1st rain. He was born on December 27th and it was storming real bad that year. I remember when we got home holding my tiny little baby boy (4 lbs. - 17 inches) in my arms and standing in front of the window and telling him "rain - see the rain? that's rain. Jesus makes the rain" (he was 4 days old) He had no idea what I was saying. I was just being a mommy! Doing my job teaching my baby. Telling him things about this new world he now lived in.
I finished hanging Josiah's clothes and when I started back up the side walk to my back door, the breeze blew and my attention was drawn to Elijah's Garden. A hanging bell [thingy] that Steve just bought last week began to chime in the breeze. My face covered in tears---
I sighed "OH ELIJAH YOUR NOT GOING TO BE IN MY ARMS FRIDAY FOR OUR FIRST RAIN, SWEET BOY" *still crying now*
I sat out there till the sun went down and the back lights turned on. Steve came out first not too long after we had both been sitting there Josiah joined us. We sat there together watching Josiah run and play in his brother's memorial garden. He talks to him and blows bubble for him and sometimes it hurts so bad to see him look up in the sky and say, "for you Lijah - For you - catch it brother"(throwing a toy or a ball or blowing the bubbles up in the sky) After a while when he gets bored he'll say , "lijah no listen to me mom - he no play with me". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY , so many times I don't say anything. Thank God that most of the time he doesn't wait for an answer. i have figured that's just his way of closing the 'moment' because right after he says that, he begins to play something else. * not crying any more* ;}
I wish he had a brother or sister to play with [Kayla isn't here all the time].
I know it is perfectly okay for him to have imaginary friends [his is Mathew] Mathew is actually a friend from his first day care but he always pretends Matthew is here with him.
Matthew has just recently become "MATT". I heard Josiah arguing [yes - he argues with him. he also tattles on 'matt' when he ' josiah' drops something] he said, "Matt you better move off! move right now! MY shooooooooooooooooe! I walked into his room and his shoe was stuck under his bed's foot board. He was pulling and pulling [he had no idea I was now standing behind him] I said whats wrong and he said [face mad red] Matt won't let me my shooooo lone for be late to school" I said, "oh your shoe is stuck?" he said, "no matt" I said," okay let me get it for you" so I got his shoe and as he strapped it on he said "no do that no more matt, not nice for make me late for school" and walked out into the living room[face still red].
That just makes me feel a little sad for him. Not having a little play partner, having to make believe one up! silly little guy :)
"ALSO HERE IS A SPECIAL HELLO TO OUR FOLLOWERS,
Rebekah, Melissa, LoreleAmi, MrsRubly, Siscaboo & Jessi!!" (WE GOT 6 now!!!)
YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY !!!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A few things to mention
# 1 I absolutly love blogging! and I have been piddling around on my dashboard and stuff like that to try to figure this all out, cause when I... I mean when my nephew Jared set it up for me I was jsut happy to be able to communicate back and forth about our journey with Elijah. I know I was off of blogging for about a month or so & now that I'm back.... .... It's like blog land went through a "ccolness revolution" and I missed it!!!!!!!!! [can you see me pouting? my bottom lip is dragging so low If I stand up I might trip on my lower lip] ;(
Sooooooooooooooo all you SSsssssssssssweeeeeeeeeeeeeeaties,
T E L L M E!! (WHINING!!!)(i want a cute blog too!!)
#2 Did you see that I did manage to add "followers" I'm so good at this stuff! RIGHT??!!!
WRONG but thanks to my new followers that was pretty neat to see that - took me a while to figure out what it meant; (funny confession I never told to any one before now) when I logged on one night and read 1 FOLLOWER
it was like 2 a.m and I was alone in the kitchen and I got all scared and got up to close the blinds over the sink which is directly behind my desk and then logged off and darted across the dining room, ran through the living room straight to my room and jumped into bed real fast! (I'M NOT KIDDING) I hugged Steve real tight but he was fast asleep!!
My heart was kinda pounding and I thought (some protection he is when my computer just announced I have 1 follower).
I AM SO NOT KIDDING and if my brothers and sisters and mom & Cindy & her son Chris and my nephews ROQUE, KITO & JARED & My COUSIN BERNICE were bloggers & read this they'd be BUSTING UP LAUGHING saying "YUP- she's not kidding" AND POSTING MORE RIDICULOUS STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! so glad they don't blog :)
Sooooooooooooooo all you SSsssssssssssweeeeeeeeeeeeeeaties,
T E L L M E!! (WHINING!!!)(i want a cute blog too!!)
#2 Did you see that I did manage to add "followers" I'm so good at this stuff! RIGHT??!!!
WRONG but thanks to my new followers that was pretty neat to see that - took me a while to figure out what it meant; (funny confession I never told to any one before now) when I logged on one night and read 1 FOLLOWER
it was like 2 a.m and I was alone in the kitchen and I got all scared and got up to close the blinds over the sink which is directly behind my desk and then logged off and darted across the dining room, ran through the living room straight to my room and jumped into bed real fast! (I'M NOT KIDDING) I hugged Steve real tight but he was fast asleep!!
My heart was kinda pounding and I thought (some protection he is when my computer just announced I have 1 follower).
I AM SO NOT KIDDING and if my brothers and sisters and mom & Cindy & her son Chris and my nephews ROQUE, KITO & JARED & My COUSIN BERNICE were bloggers & read this they'd be BUSTING UP LAUGHING saying "YUP- she's not kidding" AND POSTING MORE RIDICULOUS STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! so glad they don't blog :)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
THING'S I AM THANKFUL FOR...
- The Word Of God
- God's Mercy
- His Love
- Being His daughter
- His comfort
- His strength
- My wonderful gift from God; My hubby
- Being a Mom
- Being a wife
- Having a mom
- Having sisters
- Having brothers
- For Food to Eat
- For Time to snuggle at nap time with Josiah
- For God reminding me of ALL HE has blessed me with
- For the love of a beautiful daughter (Kayla)
- For having 5 wonderful nephews
- For My Salvation & Daily walk with Jesus Christ
- For the ladies ("my girls") @ Tuesday Night Prayer
- For my church family
- For my blog family :)
- For the privilege of giving birth to two precious boys! (Josiah & Elijah)
- For the heartbreaking trials in life that make me love Jesus more!
- For ears with which I can hear my Josiah sing worship (gotta post a video of that..)
- For Love
- For Forgiveness
- For EVERY BUMP IN THE ROAD; because I walk closer to God
- For falling; because He lifts me up
- For Hope that never dies!
- For MY SOON COMING KING!
- For memories; treasured memories
- For blessings which I cannot see!
- For FAITH
- For GOD ALMIGHTY, ALL HE IS, ALL HE HAS DONE & ALL HE WILL DO!
- For Rest
- For all the love that surrounds me
- Because I held Elijah for 25 hours and 30 minutes
- Because I heard him grunt a few cries
- Because I can still close my eyes and remember his soft warm skin against my face.
- For Living in This beautiful country
- Because "WE ARE NOT HOME YET"; I can only imagine...
- Elijah, Josiah, Kayla & Steve
I'M SO SORRY (Please Forgive My Behavior)
I need to Apologize for my tantrum on the last post. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL SUPPORT TO ME. I just let everything overwhelm me. BUT YOU, my blog land family have been so wonderful and supportive to me. I'm SO SORRY FOR THE LITTLE OUTBURST... I know EVERYONE is in financial situations and that i'm not the only one going through stresses of life. Not getting a job is so trivial. I hope you all forgive me.
SORRY
marie
SORRY
marie
Monday, September 29, 2008
Another low on the Roller Coaster Ride...
(nothing as awful as what we have already lost) But when you've been losing and losing and the answer continues and continues to be no & yet knowing HE has a plan, but you just don't see it... UGGgggHHHH!!! I just wanna scream!! I got the call from the interview; I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UuuuuuuugggGGgggGgggggggggHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
I KNOW - GOD!
I KNOW.
BUT THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS DOESN'T JUST FALL ONTO OUR PORCH!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
BILLS
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
OH MY GOODNESS!!! HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
NEVER MIND!!
I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
I KNOW - GOD!
I KNOW.
BUT THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS DOESN'T JUST FALL ONTO OUR PORCH!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
BILLS
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
OH MY GOODNESS!!! HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
NEVER MIND!!
I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)
ROLLER COASTER DAY
Well the day started out quite well. I was up way before the kids and enjoyed some "alone"" time with Jesus!! Steve & I got to have a nice quiet time together. We got the kids off to school and Steve & I had a "secret" plan to go to Michael's craft store this morning... (we had not mentioned it to anyone because some how if you tell people things just don't turn out). Elijah's 3 month heaven day is just around the corner and we were getting pretty anxious to get some new stuff for our "Garden Of Hope" (Elijah's Memorial Garden - In Our Back Yard). Also needing some new stuff for the cemetery. So off we went to Michael's. At times we were together and at times we'd wander off to our own area of the store. [I MUST ADMIT IT SURE WAS NICE TO SHOP LEISURELY WITHOUT KIDS]
So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"
My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.
As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.
I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.
We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.
So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS
We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.
I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)
Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.
Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~
So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"
My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.
As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.
I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.
We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.
So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS
We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.
I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)
Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.
Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~
Sunday, September 28, 2008
KIDS! KIDS! KIDS!
Well Steve decided he & Josiah needed some "guy time" today. So even though Kayla & I tried pouting in the way home from church this morning and I tried convincing him of "family time" he drove into our driveway to drop us off. As Kayla & I got off the car very quiet, Josiah & Daddy were chanting "BOYS!... BOYS!... BOYS!" Josiah had the biggest smile. Daddy & him were going to a wholesale tool store(he's not even 3 yet & already he loves tools!). Kayla & I tried one last attempt at throwing a big pouty face as they drove out onto the street... are you kidding they were cheering so loud they didn't even notice our faces.
Kayla & I came into the house and changed into our "comfies" & got started on lunch (carne asda burritos). After chopping the lettuce, tomatoes & shredding the cheese I asked Kayla to pick out her clothes from the laundry baskets in the living room. I told her to take hers & her brothers out and fold them. I was in the kitchen cooking the meat and could here her singing her little heart out! After a while I noticed she wasn't singing and was too quiet (even for a 10 yr. old). I walk over to take a peak and she was tyring on one of my *nighties* from the baskets. For a split second I thought of calling her name then realized I would startle her. I went back to cooking the meat, about 7 minutes later the house phone rang. She squealed out "I GOT IT!!" then said, "MOM, IT'S DADDY" (in a very high pitch tone). I came to the phone and spoke with Steve for about 1 minute and as soon as I hung up the phone she asked, "WHAT? WHAT MOM WHAT DID DADDY WANT?" I told her that Josiah had fallen asleep as soon as they got to the freeway and that they were turning back. She ran into the living room and said, "I better hurry with the clothes". Not even 10 seconds later she comes into the kitchen squealing,"momma I better put this (my *nightie*) in your drawer - daddy's almost coming and how embarrassing, if he saw it!" (I almost think she was blushing). "Okay sweetie" , I replied and she darted out of the kitchen saying, "your welcome mom - you would have been embarrassed huh?"
That was too cute her sweet innocense and just as she walked out of my bedroom, Steve walked in with Josiah over his shoulder fast asleep... ... ... so much for a boy's trip to the tool store!!!
Kayla & I came into the house and changed into our "comfies" & got started on lunch (carne asda burritos). After chopping the lettuce, tomatoes & shredding the cheese I asked Kayla to pick out her clothes from the laundry baskets in the living room. I told her to take hers & her brothers out and fold them. I was in the kitchen cooking the meat and could here her singing her little heart out! After a while I noticed she wasn't singing and was too quiet (even for a 10 yr. old). I walk over to take a peak and she was tyring on one of my *nighties* from the baskets. For a split second I thought of calling her name then realized I would startle her. I went back to cooking the meat, about 7 minutes later the house phone rang. She squealed out "I GOT IT!!" then said, "MOM, IT'S DADDY" (in a very high pitch tone). I came to the phone and spoke with Steve for about 1 minute and as soon as I hung up the phone she asked, "WHAT? WHAT MOM WHAT DID DADDY WANT?" I told her that Josiah had fallen asleep as soon as they got to the freeway and that they were turning back. She ran into the living room and said, "I better hurry with the clothes". Not even 10 seconds later she comes into the kitchen squealing,"momma I better put this (my *nightie*) in your drawer - daddy's almost coming and how embarrassing, if he saw it!" (I almost think she was blushing). "Okay sweetie" , I replied and she darted out of the kitchen saying, "your welcome mom - you would have been embarrassed huh?"
That was too cute her sweet innocense and just as she walked out of my bedroom, Steve walked in with Josiah over his shoulder fast asleep... ... ... so much for a boy's trip to the tool store!!!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Anxiety & Panic ... ... ... IS IT NORMAL?
I have been fighting these overwhelming surges of anxiety. They come just all of the sudden without warning. It will hit me just like that - even when it seems like a good day. I even experience them while with people like "us" at home, at church or church functions. It is so weird. I can't explain it exactly but it feels like way deep in the middle of my chest like I can't breath. REAL, REAL BAD!!! I try to not think of the feelings or to focus on them(feelings) to much I try hard to think of something else, but I just can't stop the feeling.
Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".
ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...
The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.
I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do
Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".
ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...
The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.
I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do
Thursday, September 25, 2008
"BEST FRIEND"
Just now as we were tucking Josiah into bed. After daddy had walked out of the room; I was getting dirty clothes out of his closet for laundry. Steve had once again - like EVERY other night been the hero and found "monie"(binki) for bed time. (Yes! "monie" is still around only now that Josiah is a BIG boy for preschool and goes pee-pee in the toilet like BIG boys, "monie" is just there for night -night. CUZ BIG BOY'S 'like cool cousin Roque' DON'T HAVE "monie's")
So every night even though "monie is supposed to stay on his pillow & wait for him! Some how as Josiah pulls down his comforter to jump into bed or sometime after bath time between prayers and lights out "monie" get's lost ALMOST every night! BUT thanks to "Daddy" bedtime is saved cuz "monie" is found and tucked in with Josiah!
So tonight when Steve walked out of the room I said, "Josiah, who has the best daddy?" Josiah replies in a very confident matter- of -fact[loud] voice, "ME!" and just as I took my first step out of his room he pulls "monie" out of his mouth and procliams [even louder] "HIM MY BEST FRIEND, MOMMY!!" I looked back at my baby boy, smiled at him and said, "Yes, baby daddy is your best friend!" Daddy calls from the dining table, "your my best friend too!" Josiah pulls out "monie once more and says,[in a sleepy quiet voice] "forever!"
... ... ... MOMENT'S TO TREASURE
i thank You Lord for moments like these!!!!!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Special Gifts...
This past weekend we were surprised with a special gift from some very dear friends. People who I grew up with in church and who mentored my christian walk as a young lady. We no longer attend church together however they still remain very dear to my heart. We do not keep in close contact any more like we used to but they knew of Elijah's condition and had been in contact with me through email, offering prayers of comfort and strength as we went through our pregnancy hoping God would change the outcome of Elijah's condition. When Elijah went home to be with Jesus I thought of Rosa & Don"Chano" while I was at the hospital but with my whirlwind of emotions didn't have the strength or emotional energy to call them. They were at Elijah's " life celebration services" and I can't say that I was surprised. I knew I could count on them to be there; faithful friends! (their 2 sons and families also came). It was such a gift of comfort to have them there at such a time in my life.
Well this past weekend my phone rang... a number I did not recognize appeared. I answered and the person on the other end of the line was Don "chano" although it took me a few seconds to recognize his voice, after a few wise cracks(as usual) I knew who he was!
He was calling to tell me that they were in town and had something special I would be very interested in seeing. I gave them directions to our house and within just a few minutes they were here!! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!!!
That wasn't the best part when Rosa & Chano walked in he held a fairly large envelope in his hand and when we asked them to take a seat, he said, "you might want to stand while you open this" for a tiny little bitty second I got scared it was something to do with the "funeral home incident"(blogged days past) BUT IT WASN'T... ... To our surprise he opened the envelope with such tenderness and care and there it was - A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF ART!!! He had a picture of Elijah professionally drawn for us!!! Oh what a treasure!!!!!
Steve and I were practically speechless! I hugged them both - several times I think!!!
It was such a precious and priceless gift; not only the portrait of Elijah but the fact that our baby is not forgotten!!
We are so blessed to have such treasures in the friendships Christ has given us!!!
I encourage you today to reach out to tell someone the gift they are in your life!!! & I will do the same :)
HAVE A SPECIAL DAY!!!
Well this past weekend my phone rang... a number I did not recognize appeared. I answered and the person on the other end of the line was Don "chano" although it took me a few seconds to recognize his voice, after a few wise cracks(as usual) I knew who he was!
He was calling to tell me that they were in town and had something special I would be very interested in seeing. I gave them directions to our house and within just a few minutes they were here!! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!!!
That wasn't the best part when Rosa & Chano walked in he held a fairly large envelope in his hand and when we asked them to take a seat, he said, "you might want to stand while you open this" for a tiny little bitty second I got scared it was something to do with the "funeral home incident"(blogged days past) BUT IT WASN'T... ... To our surprise he opened the envelope with such tenderness and care and there it was - A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF ART!!! He had a picture of Elijah professionally drawn for us!!! Oh what a treasure!!!!!
Steve and I were practically speechless! I hugged them both - several times I think!!!
It was such a precious and priceless gift; not only the portrait of Elijah but the fact that our baby is not forgotten!!
We are so blessed to have such treasures in the friendships Christ has given us!!!
I encourage you today to reach out to tell someone the gift they are in your life!!! & I will do the same :)
HAVE A SPECIAL DAY!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
MY HUBBY IS GRIEVING... ... WE NEED PRAYER
I am not sure exactly what to say, what to do or how other daddy's handle this sort of loss. It is so different than us women. We "blog" we reach out. We talk, cry, express. Steve, like I mentioned before has been suffering insomnia- well now he seems to be sleeping a little tiny bit more. I think I forgot to mention that he hurt his back at work. He is home on disability (just what a man needs right? time on his hands/ too much I think - well actually I don't know for sure but I know that now on top of all this stuff we have been going through struggling just to live, pay bills and move forward for our kids and for each other too. Him being at home makes me wonder? is it too much time to think of what we need, of what we lost, what we don't have and all that stuff. I mean there is stuff that has happened like the funeral home incident and about three other major stresses in our life since we said goodbye to our baby. IT HAS TO BE WEIGHING DOWN ON HIM!! IT JUST HAS TO BE!!! He is always so strong for ME, always considerate of my feelings. Sunday afternoon he came home and rested for the entire after noon and when it came time to go to evening service he had a terrible earache and stayed home. We got home and he tucked the kids into bed with me. We even read to them all together. This morning we took Kayla to school then drove back and took Josiah. When we got home Steve told me that last night when he stayed home he read the blog - he said he just broke into tears. HE told me how much he misses Elijah and how often he thinks of him. We held each other and I was strong for him. I told him I was glad that he shared his feelings with me. He told me he doesn't want to make it harder for me because he knows our loss is the same but deeper because I carried Elijah. I think he was afraid I was not going to understand what he was telling me because he kept trying to explain it... BUT I DO GET IT! I just feel so helpless for him. HE is so stressed with our finances!!! PLEASE just help me pray for him to LEAN ON JESUS. Well I know he is because whenever he is up in the middle of the night he is either reading his bible, writing or on the computer and I was looking in the recycle bin for a picture I thought I had tossed and found all sorts of CHRISTIAN OUTREACH & GROWTH SERIES SIGHTS AND other readings like that. When i saw that just now tears just rolled down my face. Steve is such a wonderful man. Since he came to the Lord he has basically lost all his old friends and right now to be quite frank he hasn't really build strong new ones! I mean there are a few men at church - but not real strong connections so I guess that's why it just broke my heart to see him seeking growth and strength on his own. PLEASE JUST HELP ME PRAY FOR MY SWEETIE!! and for me to get this job too also if Steve is released back to work he is going to apply for a job in town working early mornings which is just what we need for our schedule as a family. GOD knows ALL just help us in praying for us to get through this tough time right now!!! I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!!! & I TRUST GOD IS ABLE!! HE KNOWS BEST!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Kayla "blogging for 1st time!"
hellow everybody i'm elijah's sister yesterday we pianted a the trolly well... today we built it and then grandma made lunch..mmmmm it was so good i ate 3 plates of rice and then i got fool we had sooo much fun
ITS ME MADDIE "having fun"
hi every one i am elijahs cousin
today me and kayla finished the trolly ......BUT josiah fell and ripd it but it was fun!
It's a nice relaxing Saturday
We have been having a yard-sale all weekend (since Thursday). Steve & my mom just love getting together to yardsale!! Me not so much... BUT THEM OH MY GOODNESS LIKE TWO KIDS IN A CANDY STORE!!!We have been having glorious california coastal weather!! gotta love it! It is fresh and breezy. Living in the Central San Joauquin Valley(3 hours away from the coast) we don't always get this fresh treat but this is just so lovely!!! We are enjoying it to the fullest!!! Here are some pictures of the kids. Last night was the sleep over. All 3 of them played together building a cardboard trolly(their own invention) they painted (yeah a 2 year old and 2 10 year olds alone with multi-color tempra paint) they created a "beautiful masterpiece" oh and the cardboard trolly came out really good too!!!! My bathroom got re-painted too!!! YUP! MY BATHROOM!! They all 3 went into the bathroom to "CLEAN UP" before dinner and thus - my re-painted bathroom sink, cabinets, oh and did I mention I got a fresh coat of "tempra" floor covering?!?!?! YUP!! and just think ladies all that and it did'nt cost me a red cent!!! Hee! Hee! Hee! (whats really crazy is that I didn't lose it when I walked into the bathroom to see my remodel!!!) THEY had a great time and thats whats important.
Friday, September 19, 2008
TGIF!!!
Well It's Friday!!! YIPPY!!! Steve is on his way back from picking up Kayla for the weekend :) can't wait... I missed her!!! she does'nt know that I rearranged her room and put in a new throw rug for her!!! She also has no clue that her daddy is stopping by uncle Ben's to bring Maddie over for a sleep over!!! Josiah is still napping.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
2 year old - Too Funny !!!!!
Just got back from bible study.... .... Can't go to bed with out blogging this hilarious little story!!!
i hope you can appreciate the humor and not find it offensive -
church is dismissed and Josiah runs out of class and jumps straight into daddy's arms. They walk straight to the punch container to "need a drink", Josiah says. I'm standing there and Teacher Stacie pulls me close to her and asks (politely), "did you teach Josiah about labor?" "No", I said. and she whisperers trying to keep a straight face as she tells me, "oh because we were all playing ball in class and all of the sudden Josiah darts across the room and says ' I no feel good, I sick, non feel good' Stacie says I asked him whats wrong Josiah as he hops into the bouncer that's in the nursery and says, "my water broke!" Stacie asked him your what? and he said my water broke"
Stacie said she had to do all she could not to bust out laughing!!!
DID I MENTION THIS 2 YEAR OLD BOY WASN'T EVEN AT HOME WHEN MY WATER BROKE?!?!?!? him & Kayla were at Ben & Minn's for dinner (my family had decided that since it was so close to my due date they would give Steve & I an evening alone before Elijah was born and that is when my water broke. SO of course I called my sisters house to tell them it was "time" and they said they all started running around saying Marie's water broke, Marie's water broke!")
So even if he wasn't there with me to see it happen he heard of it and played it out!!!!! way too funny!!
Kinda embarrassing too!!!
i hope you can appreciate the humor and not find it offensive -
church is dismissed and Josiah runs out of class and jumps straight into daddy's arms. They walk straight to the punch container to "need a drink", Josiah says. I'm standing there and Teacher Stacie pulls me close to her and asks (politely), "did you teach Josiah about labor?" "No", I said. and she whisperers trying to keep a straight face as she tells me, "oh because we were all playing ball in class and all of the sudden Josiah darts across the room and says ' I no feel good, I sick, non feel good' Stacie says I asked him whats wrong Josiah as he hops into the bouncer that's in the nursery and says, "my water broke!" Stacie asked him your what? and he said my water broke"
Stacie said she had to do all she could not to bust out laughing!!!
DID I MENTION THIS 2 YEAR OLD BOY WASN'T EVEN AT HOME WHEN MY WATER BROKE?!?!?!? him & Kayla were at Ben & Minn's for dinner (my family had decided that since it was so close to my due date they would give Steve & I an evening alone before Elijah was born and that is when my water broke. SO of course I called my sisters house to tell them it was "time" and they said they all started running around saying Marie's water broke, Marie's water broke!")
So even if he wasn't there with me to see it happen he heard of it and played it out!!!!! way too funny!!
Kinda embarrassing too!!!
One Foot In Front Of The Other
That is how we get through a day... IF it is a good day taking these steps is easy if it is a hard day then putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do to do what we do. It was so nice to here from Susie the other day :) I do get weird thoughts!!! I have a lot of panic and anxiety attacks. The anxiety is just awful! I have noticed I'm not as raging mad these days - It feels so good for the presence and peace of the Almighty God to be OUR SOURCE AND STRENGTH. Most of all it is good to feel His unwavering love and mercy - through it all!
I think I have mentioned before "I'M DESPERATELY looking for a job again!!!! PLEASE PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS TO PRAY FOR ME FOR OKAY!!! appreciate it and know God is able!!!
Josiah is napping right now. He is such a big boy!! he gets home from christian preschool and goes straight to his room and puts up his "piderman backpack" then walks into the bathroom and goes "peeps" (pee) like a big boy standing in front of the toilet TOO CUTE!! then he comes and sits on the couch or at the table and says"lets talk about it momma" I will say "okay, baby how was your day?" and usually his face is full of whatever they served at school as he looks at me and says, "I had a good day for being a big boy momma, I'm big like daddy!!"
Steve has been dealing with a bad case of insomnia (please pray). he hasn't been able to sleep for about 4-5 days. My mom is worried about him. Me too! I woke up at 3 this morning and found him writing in his journal, when he saw that I was awake he asked if I wanted to read what he was writing - It was about Elijah. About his thoughts that he was having the morning of Elijah's burial. He wrote about thoughts he had never shared with me... of how as he looked at Elijah in the white "special crib"(that's what we told Josiah it was called). His thought and feelings of how he would never see Elijah running or giggling. He wrote so many things he hadn't even expressed to me. He is really dealing with all the emotions now.
Right now Steve outside in our back yard. Working in Elijah's Memorial Garden. I'm gonna have to post some pictures of the beautiful bench my brother in law Ben made. He carved Elijah's name in it along with Elijah's verse for his head stone. Psalms 16:11. Ben is Elijah's nino (godparents) and my sister minerva is his nina! Last night Minerva told me that Maddie(her 10yr old) is having a hard time dealing with Elijah's death.... ...
Makes me worry for Kayla - If Maddie is dealing with this imagine Kayla & she isn't always here. I am so worried for her emotional well being - The week after we buried Elijah she left to her moms for two weeks when she came back the first thing she told Steve & I was that her mom told her she was not to ask questions about Elijah, talk about him, or ever even mention his name ever. She told us she was so angry that she started crying and yelling at her mom & the boyfriend and that she wanted to get out of the car so very bad! poor sweet girl. All we can do is pray!!!
Josiah is up from his nap now and outside working in "Lijah's fower garden" with daddy.
I am definitely going to post some of Elijah's "smart-boy" pictures. Except during the move our CD ROM got jammed shut and I cant open it so I'm gonna go to office max to transfer all his pictures from the CD to my flash drive. I will be posting them in the next day or so.
Until next time The Douglas family continues onward one step at a time!
REMEMBER TO KEEP MY JOB IN PRAYER!!!!
I think I have mentioned before "I'M DESPERATELY looking for a job again!!!! PLEASE PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS TO PRAY FOR ME FOR OKAY!!! appreciate it and know God is able!!!
Josiah is napping right now. He is such a big boy!! he gets home from christian preschool and goes straight to his room and puts up his "piderman backpack" then walks into the bathroom and goes "peeps" (pee) like a big boy standing in front of the toilet TOO CUTE!! then he comes and sits on the couch or at the table and says"lets talk about it momma" I will say "okay, baby how was your day?" and usually his face is full of whatever they served at school as he looks at me and says, "I had a good day for being a big boy momma, I'm big like daddy!!"
Steve has been dealing with a bad case of insomnia (please pray). he hasn't been able to sleep for about 4-5 days. My mom is worried about him. Me too! I woke up at 3 this morning and found him writing in his journal, when he saw that I was awake he asked if I wanted to read what he was writing - It was about Elijah. About his thoughts that he was having the morning of Elijah's burial. He wrote about thoughts he had never shared with me... of how as he looked at Elijah in the white "special crib"(that's what we told Josiah it was called). His thought and feelings of how he would never see Elijah running or giggling. He wrote so many things he hadn't even expressed to me. He is really dealing with all the emotions now.
Right now Steve outside in our back yard. Working in Elijah's Memorial Garden. I'm gonna have to post some pictures of the beautiful bench my brother in law Ben made. He carved Elijah's name in it along with Elijah's verse for his head stone. Psalms 16:11. Ben is Elijah's nino (godparents) and my sister minerva is his nina! Last night Minerva told me that Maddie(her 10yr old) is having a hard time dealing with Elijah's death.... ...
Makes me worry for Kayla - If Maddie is dealing with this imagine Kayla & she isn't always here. I am so worried for her emotional well being - The week after we buried Elijah she left to her moms for two weeks when she came back the first thing she told Steve & I was that her mom told her she was not to ask questions about Elijah, talk about him, or ever even mention his name ever. She told us she was so angry that she started crying and yelling at her mom & the boyfriend and that she wanted to get out of the car so very bad! poor sweet girl. All we can do is pray!!!
Josiah is up from his nap now and outside working in "Lijah's fower garden" with daddy.
I am definitely going to post some of Elijah's "smart-boy" pictures. Except during the move our CD ROM got jammed shut and I cant open it so I'm gonna go to office max to transfer all his pictures from the CD to my flash drive. I will be posting them in the next day or so.
Until next time The Douglas family continues onward one step at a time!
REMEMBER TO KEEP MY JOB IN PRAYER!!!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thanks & why am i so mad?????
Just gotta say thanks from the very depths of my heart! I have had so many great responses, which have encouraged me and enabled me to take a deep breath and in the moments that seem so heavily painful;that I can barely breath... I have managed to breath in a breath of fresh encouragement. I don't know how all this grief stuff works but I have already figured that there is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't have any particular order or way of happening. SO THAT, scares me something fierce - Like this anger I have been feeling... Whooah! boy was this so unexpected to me. I mean I keep telling myself, "Marie, YOU believe in GOD and YOU trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. YOU KNOW GOD HAS A REASON AND A PURPOSE FOR THIS". I tell my self that more than a million times a day! But it just doesn't take away the anger that I feel at this moment. The anger of not having my precious 8 week old baby boy! I AM MAD! I'm mad because 25 hours and 30 minutes was not enough time I wanted to bring him home! I know that this must sound so selfish to those of you Mommy's who didn't even get that and I'm so sorry for your heart break too! I'm just saying I feel like this is so unfair. I TOLD GOD TOO!!! I told Him last month. I told Him that my heart hurt so bad and that I didn't think it was fair to not have even let me bring my baby home, not even let me change his diaper. So many things I didn't get to do, like hold him in my right senses not heavily sedated by all the meds from the c-section. I guess I've never shared how stupid I was when Elijah was born... As soon as the doctors took him out. I heard nothing not a whimper not a cry not one single sound. I asked Steve if he was already dead and the doctor heard me and said, "No, he is alive". He called Steve over to him and still no sound. FINALLY the nurse and Steve walked over to me, my hands still tied down. The nurse placed Elijah on my chest and my tears rolled down my cheeks. He was breathing so, so very labored. A very tired faint grunt from deep within him. I began to talk to him. I asked him if he was tired, I asked him if it was hard for him to carry the weight of his big smart brain all by himself with no more water to carry the weight for him. I told him I was so proud of him for being my strong brave boy, for not leaving before I could kiss his sweet face. As the nurses rolled me out of the operating room down the hall and back into my room I kept talking to him. Telling him how many people were their waiting to meet him. How much I loved him. I could see how much he was struggling to take every breath and he was very blue. I cuddled him closer to my face and whispered into his ear, "When Jesus comes for you baby... you can go. I love you Lijah, I love you with all my heart baby, Daddy & I are so proud of you. I want you to stay with me here, BUT mommy knows you are tired baby and when Jesus comes for you, when he comes you can go okay baby?! I LOVE YOU".
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!
Monday, September 8, 2008
BIG DILEMA AFTER DEATH OF MY BABY
Tomorrow my sweet boy would have been 2 months old. I feel so very angry that I don't have him here with me and I know there is a purpose I know he is in a better place. I know I will see him again but all that I know doesn't change anything in my aching heart. I don't know where to begin...
Steve and I found out that the secretary at the funeral home in town took HER teenage son into the funeral home to GALK at my Precious sweet Elijah. We were told by the sons girlfriend that the funeral home secretary took the guy in to see WHAT A BIRTH DEFECTS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN PEOPLE DO DRUGS SMOKE AND DRINK!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY FURIOUS BEYOND WORDS!!!! they gave us very detailed information about Elijah's head so I know it has to have some truth to it!!! Ive been contacting attorneys and BBB I want so bad for this woman to know that what she did was so very wron on so many levels!!! I called the funeral home director and he said "My secretary screwd up" I AM SO FURIOUS MAD how dare them even talk about how my beautiful boy looked!!! it is none of their business to be talking about his body and how GOD chose to make him! That woman knew nothing of me or my life and I only met her for the first time the day I went with my two sisters to out on Elijah's shoes before the funeral!!! any ways I WISH HOPE AND PRAY THAT I GET DIRECTION AND CLOSURE FOR WHAT HAPPENED because that funeral home misconduct was JUST WRONG!!!! any ways thanks for still thinking of us I NEED TO TALK TO SOME OF YOU MOMMAS THAT HAVE BEEN WALKING THE ROAD LONG WITH SUFFERING!!! I MISS HIM SO BAD!!! IF ANY OF YOU MOMMAS have a chance to write me to my email it is stv.mre@gmail.com WRITE TO ME THERE AND WE CAN EXCHANGE ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBERS IF THAT IS OKAY!!! I NEED TO TALK TO A MOMMA THAT KNOWS MY PAIN BY EXPERIENCE NOT just some one who wants to understand I need to know if all my flood of emotions are normal or not!!!! PLEASE I KNOW I SEEM TO HAVE JUST DROPPED OF and did'nt keep you all up two date BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND KNOW THAT I NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS AND SUPPORT
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
When there is pain in the offering...
Today is September 3rd. ALMOST 2 months since our baby went home! WE ARE SO ACHIE and EMPTY. Ive been having dreams of babies and me crying and last night I dram we were in a church and a little boy dressed in a suit came up to me and gave me a book and told me that Elijah is okay. For some reason in my dream I was so angry because this little boy came and I was mad that I didn't have Elijah... WHO KNOWS WHAT OR DREAMS MEAN ?!?!?! wierd huh
I AM BUSY LOOKING FOR A JOB AND JOSAIH IS IN CHRISTIAN PRESCHOOL. STEVE IS WORKING & KAYLA IS BACK IN SCHOOL!!!
thanks for all the comments and prayers which are so uplifting.
I AM BUSY LOOKING FOR A JOB AND JOSAIH IS IN CHRISTIAN PRESCHOOL. STEVE IS WORKING & KAYLA IS BACK IN SCHOOL!!!
thanks for all the comments and prayers which are so uplifting.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Our Angel Was Laid to Rest
Our little angel was laid to rest on July 16th. He will forever sing in heaven's choir.
First, I want to thank you for all your love and support these past few weeks have been so hard!
I want to share a very small video clip that the Angel Babies photographer made for us. More pictures will come up soon.
Please keep us in your prayers now that all the formalities are over. The REAL grieving process begins.
I wrote a very small piece as opening words and mentioned all the little Angel Babies who greeted Elijah as he walked through Heaven's gates.
My heart is now with all you empty cradled mommies as we sleep with no more kicking in our bellies.
More later.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Prepared Speech For the Funeral
Steve & I would like to welcome you all here. We are so blessed to be surrounded by all of your heartfelt wishes, prayers, and words of encouragement. This service is in honor and celebration of the life we have been so privileged to nurture and carry:
OUR SON ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS
As Elijah’s parents we invite you to join us as we bless the Lord for all He has done.
This service is no ordinary funeral service. Tonight we ask that you join us as we Worship God for His Excellent Gift: Our Precious Elijah.
On Sunday May 18th, 2008 as we were in worship service, My heart was broken at the thought that my Elijah, who, at the time, was patting and kicking during worship, would not be with me forever; My heart was filled with a serene yet rushing wave of peace As I listened to the worship song which said “HOLY, HOLY IS HE, WORTHY IS THE LAMB” I felt the Lord speak to my heart and say “ JUST AS A DEER PANTS FOR WATER AND YOUR SOUL LONGS FOR ME SO IT IS WITH ELIJAH FROM THE VERY FIRST BEAT OF HIS HEART HE HAS LONGED TO WORSHIP ME- WHEN I TAKE HIM HOME HE WILL BE WORSHIPING AT MY FEET AS YOU LONG TO DO ALSO” in that very moment as the worship played I rejoiced with gladness at the thought that every time I worship and sing to My Lord and Savior I will be joined with my baby boy and in those very moments we will be worshiping together.
Along this painful path we were blessed to meet friends who we bonded with through the internet whom had also been chosen to embark on this long road of loving our little ones through the pain of knowing all too soon their names would be called on Heavens Nursery Roll.
Please join with us as we sing these few worship songs together with Elijah,
Baby Asher + Isaac, Baby Jacob + Baby Joshua, Baby Eva.
OUR SON ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS
As Elijah’s parents we invite you to join us as we bless the Lord for all He has done.
This service is no ordinary funeral service. Tonight we ask that you join us as we Worship God for His Excellent Gift: Our Precious Elijah.
On Sunday May 18th, 2008 as we were in worship service, My heart was broken at the thought that my Elijah, who, at the time, was patting and kicking during worship, would not be with me forever; My heart was filled with a serene yet rushing wave of peace As I listened to the worship song which said “HOLY, HOLY IS HE, WORTHY IS THE LAMB” I felt the Lord speak to my heart and say “ JUST AS A DEER PANTS FOR WATER AND YOUR SOUL LONGS FOR ME SO IT IS WITH ELIJAH FROM THE VERY FIRST BEAT OF HIS HEART HE HAS LONGED TO WORSHIP ME- WHEN I TAKE HIM HOME HE WILL BE WORSHIPING AT MY FEET AS YOU LONG TO DO ALSO” in that very moment as the worship played I rejoiced with gladness at the thought that every time I worship and sing to My Lord and Savior I will be joined with my baby boy and in those very moments we will be worshiping together.
Along this painful path we were blessed to meet friends who we bonded with through the internet whom had also been chosen to embark on this long road of loving our little ones through the pain of knowing all too soon their names would be called on Heavens Nursery Roll.
Please join with us as we sing these few worship songs together with Elijah,
Baby Asher + Isaac, Baby Jacob + Baby Joshua, Baby Eva.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Say hello to little baby Elijah. Unfortunatly for us he went home to be with the lord. If you are in the area and wish to attend his funeral services, we apreciate your support. God bless.
Services are as followes: Tuesday night at the Fowler Baptist Church at 7:00 pm.
Wednesday Morning the burial will be at the Parlier Cemetary at 11:Am.
Services are as followes: Tuesday night at the Fowler Baptist Church at 7:00 pm.
Wednesday Morning the burial will be at the Parlier Cemetary at 11:Am.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Elijah is with Jesus
Elijah went home to be with our Lord and Savior at 3:49 this morning. Mom and Dad are doing well and will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Please continue your prayers. We will update with more information tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Elijah is born!
Elijah Nathaniel Douglas was born on July 9, 2008, at 2:11 a.m. He is 19 1/2 inches long and weighs 7 lbs. He is doing fine.
Marie and Elijah
Marie is fine, but is having some complications, so she is going to have a C-Section shortly.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Update on Marie and Steve
Hi, my name is Cindy, I'm Marie's best friend, she wanted me to update everyone on what's been going on lately and thank everyone who has been faithful in praying for them.
No internet yet, but Praise be to God! They have been in their new home for about a week! God is faithful! Their new home is just blocks away from Steve's job. It was truly a God thing! And as you can imagine they have been busy getting things situated before Elijah arrives. They have felt every one's prayers and have a tremendous peace in their new home. Josiah also is so comfortable that several times in getting ready to go out, he has started saying that he wants to stay in his new home and once, when they returned he started kissing the fence so glad to be home! :)
She has been packed and ready to go to the hospital for the past two or three weeks. But unfortunately her body is not yet ready to deliver. But as she told me the other day, our days are ordained by God, HE knows the hour and day of our birth. So until then they will, as always, trust in their Sovereign Lord to see them through these next few days. Allowing His perfect will to be done in their lives.
Please continue to pray for them as the day draws near. She will return to the Dr. on Wednesday. Thanks again for opening your heart to my friend and her family, words cannot describe how your encouraging words and also just for reading and praying has helped them in this time in their life. May God's love and blessing be showered upon you and yours. God Bless.
Today? We're all getting together at their home to barbaque and enjoy the town's fireworks. And again to enjoy every moment Elijah is safe inside mommy :) Happy Fourth of July!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A FEW MORE PIC'S
yesturday after beths baby shower SEE WHY I SAY THT I HAVE EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM CAPACITY :)
one more from last friday
UPDATE!!!
Today is Father's Day! I am able to blog because I'm at Minn's house.(hope her compuer doesn't flake out in the middle of this)
WELL... ... where do I begin? SO LOST FOR WORDS! Still growing a beautiful belly and my boy is still as strong as ever. Steve & I are still struggling with oh so many OTHER ISSUES - housing, finances, and custody stuff! ON TOP OF OUR PRECIOUS PAINFUL BURDEN WE ARE BEARING FOR who knows how much longer! I am as swollen as an exploding marshmellow at a camp fire :) people look at me and no matter what i do to look my best I still get all the glares and looks of pitty and even sometimes disgust. (the make up, leg shaving and toe nail polishing are to no avail!!! Cindy even died my hair for me the other night, Beth or Steve have to rub lotion on my legs now because as Beth put it "my body has reached its maximum capacity L.O.L I say I have exceeded maximum capacity but I guess Elijah has the final say :)
The shower was good - very emotional. MOSTLY CHURCH PEOPLE my two cousins Elva & Ruby came and Elva's girls 2 of them. Of course my sisters and mom. Steve's mom came too. We were so blessed by all the encouraging words. Steve & I spoke and it was a good feeling to be able to talk to everyone.
Going to see Dr. every Tuesday now she says I have about two weeks left(MIXED EMOTIONS) today we went to see my father in law and my mother in law asked if i am ready for it to be over ( I so wanted to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS... NO!!!! but inorder to keep polite I just answered nothing and looked away) It was hard but she tries - I guess.
Yesterday was Beth's baby shower(my brother threw it for her). I ACTUALLY HAD A BLAST!!! never once thought of losing Elijah just enjoyed being together with my three sisters Minn, Beth & Cindy and Beth & I were PREGNANT TOGETHER just like we planned and took lots of pic's (cindy has them) played games and came home exhausted!!!!
We have had two of the roughest weeks since we started this journey - very extremely painful and stressful. BUT YESTERDAY on our way to the shower we stopped by Cindy's moms and was surprised to learn that Elijah got a package from Joshua's family in New Zealand :) A SPECIAL HOMEMADE KNIT HAT :) loved it so much thanks Susie!!
Still praying for Jacobs family knowing we too will soon be in their boat
So much more to say about Elijah and the latest info we have gotten from the Dr's but I don't want to run the risk that this computer will flake out on me.
PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY WE CONTINUE TO BE IN THE REFINERS FIRE and it doesnt always make sence and we seem to be in a vert thick fog lately PLEASE WE CONTINUE TO NEED YOUR PRAYERS - we need the doors to open for us to get a place to live on our own ... I just dont want my sadness to weigh down on Beths happiness and I can't always bear her happiness at the same time I'm dealing with my sadness PLEASE EVERY ONE PLEASE PRAY!!!
WELL... ... where do I begin? SO LOST FOR WORDS! Still growing a beautiful belly and my boy is still as strong as ever. Steve & I are still struggling with oh so many OTHER ISSUES - housing, finances, and custody stuff! ON TOP OF OUR PRECIOUS PAINFUL BURDEN WE ARE BEARING FOR who knows how much longer! I am as swollen as an exploding marshmellow at a camp fire :) people look at me and no matter what i do to look my best I still get all the glares and looks of pitty and even sometimes disgust. (the make up, leg shaving and toe nail polishing are to no avail!!! Cindy even died my hair for me the other night, Beth or Steve have to rub lotion on my legs now because as Beth put it "my body has reached its maximum capacity L.O.L I say I have exceeded maximum capacity but I guess Elijah has the final say :)
The shower was good - very emotional. MOSTLY CHURCH PEOPLE my two cousins Elva & Ruby came and Elva's girls 2 of them. Of course my sisters and mom. Steve's mom came too. We were so blessed by all the encouraging words. Steve & I spoke and it was a good feeling to be able to talk to everyone.
Going to see Dr. every Tuesday now she says I have about two weeks left(MIXED EMOTIONS) today we went to see my father in law and my mother in law asked if i am ready for it to be over ( I so wanted to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS... NO!!!! but inorder to keep polite I just answered nothing and looked away) It was hard but she tries - I guess.
Yesterday was Beth's baby shower(my brother threw it for her). I ACTUALLY HAD A BLAST!!! never once thought of losing Elijah just enjoyed being together with my three sisters Minn, Beth & Cindy and Beth & I were PREGNANT TOGETHER just like we planned and took lots of pic's (cindy has them) played games and came home exhausted!!!!
We have had two of the roughest weeks since we started this journey - very extremely painful and stressful. BUT YESTERDAY on our way to the shower we stopped by Cindy's moms and was surprised to learn that Elijah got a package from Joshua's family in New Zealand :) A SPECIAL HOMEMADE KNIT HAT :) loved it so much thanks Susie!!
Still praying for Jacobs family knowing we too will soon be in their boat
So much more to say about Elijah and the latest info we have gotten from the Dr's but I don't want to run the risk that this computer will flake out on me.
PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY WE CONTINUE TO BE IN THE REFINERS FIRE and it doesnt always make sence and we seem to be in a vert thick fog lately PLEASE WE CONTINUE TO NEED YOUR PRAYERS - we need the doors to open for us to get a place to live on our own ... I just dont want my sadness to weigh down on Beths happiness and I can't always bear her happiness at the same time I'm dealing with my sadness PLEASE EVERY ONE PLEASE PRAY!!!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
SO MUCH TO SAY SO LITTLE TIME!
Steve & I came to the Library we just miss being able to log and check out who all is visiting us and our sweet angel, who by the way is getting VERY LARGE for mommy's tummy (I can't figure out who is more uncomfortable - me or him). WE ARE STILL WAITING for everything to go through on the apartment. WE have been going through the roughest days hours minutes and seconds of our life's the journey has become at time unbearable. Just barley able to breath at times... this is how I feel and I know Steve is over whelmed to say the least. STILL we wouldn't trade the moments of hearing Elijah's heart beat and seeing him tumble around inside of me. OR the times that Josiah runs up to me or climbs on me just to kiss his brother or to hear him sing his brothers name. When Kayla is home with us hearing her talk to and about him and feeling her overwhelming love pour out all over her brother in my tummy WE WOULD NEVER TRADE ALL THE SORROW AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WE BEAR THESE DAYS.
And as though we were not already under so much pressure from our daily struggles not only the apartment situation,but my father in law suffered a major heart attack and has been in the hospital ICU for about three weeks. I NEED TO GO NOW BUT HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY!!!!! JUST RAN OUT OF TIME ON THIS COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate not having my own computer at moms house!!!! please pray for us this SAT we will be having Elijah's shower at church and I'm nervous I have pic's to share of my growing baby boy and also pray for Kayla's mom to let her come to the shower
And as though we were not already under so much pressure from our daily struggles not only the apartment situation,but my father in law suffered a major heart attack and has been in the hospital ICU for about three weeks. I NEED TO GO NOW BUT HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY!!!!! JUST RAN OUT OF TIME ON THIS COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate not having my own computer at moms house!!!! please pray for us this SAT we will be having Elijah's shower at church and I'm nervous I have pic's to share of my growing baby boy and also pray for Kayla's mom to let her come to the shower
Saturday, May 24, 2008
HI ALL!!
I know! I know!! we just seem to have dissapeared for a while but we are not gone! WE STILL ARE IN MUCH NEED OF YOUR SUPPORT LOVE & PRAYERS! We went to our appointment Tuesday and were so very disapointed to find we still don't have "THE MIRACLE " we so desperatley want. We left the office and were silent for most of the 35 minute drive home.
HOME... ... well as things turn out we are still at my moms. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON the people had guarateed us to get the apartment changed their minds and now we are in a bit of a messy situation. I remember once reading Susie's blog and she quoted "why can't we just have one crisis at a time" I so feel like that. I have had so very many questions in my mind latley - I do not doubkt my walk with the Lord I just doublt that I'm doing things right any more. WE READ in the bible that He will never give us more than we can handle... RIGHT NOW I FEEL PRETTY WIEGHED DOWN.
JUST SO YOU KNOW there is no internet service at my moms and in my "FAT, SWOLLEN & still growing condition taking a little trip to the city library to blog is not too high on the list of things I can do right now BUT ALSO I MISS BLOGGING SO VERY BAD! I MISS ALL THE COMMENTS AND JUST BEING ABLE TO communicate. For some reason we feel so good when we are able to blog and see how many hits our precious baby boy's site is getting. I know many of you don't post a comment but just seeing the counter change lifts our spirits. STEVE & I are hoping to order internet service if we end up staying at my moms much longer.
WE DESPERATLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!! The hospital called me this Wednesday and told me to get everything in order. GET THINGS IN ORDER - get things in order to birth and bury my baby boy - who we planned to watch him grow up with his big brother and sister. The baby me & beth were supposed to push in the strollers together and watch meet the mile stones together!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been "losing it" alot latley!!!!! just can't keep the tears from rolling and my emotions are just so raging. I have been very quiet most of the time.
HOME... ... well as things turn out we are still at my moms. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON the people had guarateed us to get the apartment changed their minds and now we are in a bit of a messy situation. I remember once reading Susie's blog and she quoted "why can't we just have one crisis at a time" I so feel like that. I have had so very many questions in my mind latley - I do not doubkt my walk with the Lord I just doublt that I'm doing things right any more. WE READ in the bible that He will never give us more than we can handle... RIGHT NOW I FEEL PRETTY WIEGHED DOWN.
JUST SO YOU KNOW there is no internet service at my moms and in my "FAT, SWOLLEN & still growing condition taking a little trip to the city library to blog is not too high on the list of things I can do right now BUT ALSO I MISS BLOGGING SO VERY BAD! I MISS ALL THE COMMENTS AND JUST BEING ABLE TO communicate. For some reason we feel so good when we are able to blog and see how many hits our precious baby boy's site is getting. I know many of you don't post a comment but just seeing the counter change lifts our spirits. STEVE & I are hoping to order internet service if we end up staying at my moms much longer.
WE DESPERATLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!! The hospital called me this Wednesday and told me to get everything in order. GET THINGS IN ORDER - get things in order to birth and bury my baby boy - who we planned to watch him grow up with his big brother and sister. The baby me & beth were supposed to push in the strollers together and watch meet the mile stones together!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been "losing it" alot latley!!!!! just can't keep the tears from rolling and my emotions are just so raging. I have been very quiet most of the time.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
JOSIAH GRADUATED FROM BABY COLLEGE!!
Josiah graduated on Wednesday!! My nephew Josh who made this blog for me is adding the graduation video :)
GOD'S FAITHFULNESS!!
Hi everyone! well first of all Steve & I looked into the laptop and right now $$$$$ is a big issue so we will have to wait a little bit longer :) The unspoken prayer request was about our housing situation... this May we were supposed to sign papers for our house to change from rental to option to buy. HOWEVER AS WE HAVE ALL LEARNED that sometimes life brings things that change the course of our lives as we have them planned it! BUT that's O.K because material things have become so meaningless to us now. "THIS HOUSE" was at one time our dream house BUT now we see that all these "things" are temporal.
SOOOOO.... .... all that said GOD IS SO FAITHFULL on June 1st we should be moving into our new apartment!! IN FOWLER (all the church family, my best friend, my sister and our church and some of our closest friends will all be close by). Right now, we are staying at my moms in order to save a bit on the money.
SOOOOO.... .... all that said GOD IS SO FAITHFULL on June 1st we should be moving into our new apartment!! IN FOWLER (all the church family, my best friend, my sister and our church and some of our closest friends will all be close by). Right now, we are staying at my moms in order to save a bit on the money.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
SURPRISE!!! (sweet times)
Well, I know I said I wasn't gonna post anything for a day or so but... ...
There are so many more but these are the favorites & all he rode over & over was the cars & lady bugs - she said she couldn't get him on anything else :)
I forgot Beth (josiah calls her Yaya or Yaee) had made a date for her & Josiah to spend the day together today. I had a bit of a melt down in the morning so when I got a call from Yay asking what time Josiah would be available I thought, available? and then I remembered about the "DATE" so Steve & I took him over and they went to Rotary Playland & Storyland "FOR HIS FIRST TIME"!!! He of course had no clue what the place was so we told him its a fun park and he said, "oh church park" meaning the park by the church and we told him no this is a bigger one with rides and lots of fun. Still clueless he got into the car with her and off they drove!!!!!
There are so many more but these are the favorites & all he rode over & over was the cars & lady bugs - she said she couldn't get him on anything else :)Since Josiah was out on a "DATE" with Yaya Steve decided that my emotions were very frail and that I too would benefit from a "date" so off we went... we went to lunch and a movie! It was such a great thing to be able to get away from everything if even for a few hours. WE laughed and enjoyed eachothers company :) THANKS FOR THE MOMENT BETH!!!!!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Acknowlegements
Remember I asked you all to pray about the fundraiser that was organized by our friends, The Alatorre's (Nicole & Victoria's Parents). Well... THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS! we had a positive response and outpouring of generosity from everyone! I am not exactly sure the totals yet, but I heard from Minn, Cindy & Kito Ben; that the orders just kept coming in!
This fundraiser has made it possible to put a down payment on Elijah's burial plot at Parlier Cemetery; After much thought and consideration Steve & I have chosen to bury him at the same cemetery where Grandma is at (Mom's mom).
A HUGE THANK YOU TO JOE, MARY & FAVORITO RESATURANT IN FOWLER , CA. !!!!
Margie & Roy if you read this blog I gotta tell you how you have lifted my burden & I pray that GOD BLESS & PROSPER YOU IN ALL YOU DO!! I am so touched by the way you & Roy have stepped right into my shoes and decided to walk beside Steve & I. We will never be able to express to you enough, how you have both been an instrument of God's never ending love and strength to us as we face this time in our lives! Thank YOU BOTH!!!
Teacher Megan & All The WONDERFUL TEACHERS at Reedley College Infant School:
Our hearts have been so moved by ALL that you have all done for us. & especially how you have all rallied around my precious Josiah as he too struggles with all the weirdness going on at home, since we found out about Elijah. EACH and every one of you have touched our hearts!
Every One at FOWLER UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT (my old work): There are no words - YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!! Steve & I are so touched by your generosity.
Dr. Verma's Office in Selma - Dr. Verma,Marcie & Antonia & Chuck: Steve & I are so touched by how caring and understanding YOU ALL have been of what we are going through. Your kindness has been so evident every time I call or come in or when Mom comes in and you send your best! Thank you to every one in the office who ordered a plate! Your support is so appreciated!!
A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AT MARGIE'S WORK PLACE IN SELMA! Steve & I are so grateful for your contributions.
ANYONE ELSE WHO ORDERED A PLATE & I DID NOT MENTION YOUR NAME it is only because I did not find out who else ordered - because it was so huge a turn out BUT STEVE & I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!!!
This fundraiser has made it possible to put a down payment on Elijah's burial plot at Parlier Cemetery; After much thought and consideration Steve & I have chosen to bury him at the same cemetery where Grandma is at (Mom's mom).
A HUGE THANK YOU TO JOE, MARY & FAVORITO RESATURANT IN FOWLER , CA. !!!!
Margie & Roy if you read this blog I gotta tell you how you have lifted my burden & I pray that GOD BLESS & PROSPER YOU IN ALL YOU DO!! I am so touched by the way you & Roy have stepped right into my shoes and decided to walk beside Steve & I. We will never be able to express to you enough, how you have both been an instrument of God's never ending love and strength to us as we face this time in our lives! Thank YOU BOTH!!!
My cousin Sal & National Raisin CO. (his work). Steve & I were so moved when Minn called to tell us that you had collected orders. We appreciate the effort and support we received as we prepare for the bitter sweet arrival of our little angel.
Teacher Megan & All The WONDERFUL TEACHERS at Reedley College Infant School:
Our hearts have been so moved by ALL that you have all done for us. & especially how you have all rallied around my precious Josiah as he too struggles with all the weirdness going on at home, since we found out about Elijah. EACH and every one of you have touched our hearts!
Every One at FOWLER UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT (my old work): There are no words - YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!! Steve & I are so touched by your generosity.
Dr. Verma's Office in Selma - Dr. Verma,Marcie & Antonia & Chuck: Steve & I are so touched by how caring and understanding YOU ALL have been of what we are going through. Your kindness has been so evident every time I call or come in or when Mom comes in and you send your best! Thank you to every one in the office who ordered a plate! Your support is so appreciated!!
A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AT MARGIE'S WORK PLACE IN SELMA! Steve & I are so grateful for your contributions.
ANYONE ELSE WHO ORDERED A PLATE & I DID NOT MENTION YOUR NAME it is only because I did not find out who else ordered - because it was so huge a turn out BUT STEVE & I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!!!
Minn, Cindy, Jared (my godson),Ramona, Dora, Dolores & Sister Mona Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to come out to help deliver plates!!!
I won't be posting anything new til probably Monday because we are in the process of changing internet service providers (and hopefuly switching me over to a lap top :)
have a great weekend every one and thanks for checking in
Special Love, hugs and prayers for all the Mommie's who's hearts are torn between celebrating with their children here with us and the ones in heaven on this MOTHER'S DAY!!! Thinking of YOU with an ache in my heart !! please know I will be praying for you! & pray for me too my only mother's day with Elijah
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
These words kept running in my head
"CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AS YOU WATCH YOUR DREAMS SLIP AWAY"
Things are just getting really tough right now, not only because of Elijah and all the emotions that brings but because of some other personal situations we are facing. Today I watched Steve take care of some stuff for us and as he was walking back and forth, those words came to my mind:
carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders as you watch your dreams slip away
Steve is a very hard working man. A great provider, husband and Father. I just wish I had the ability to make him feel better like he so often does for me during this journey we are on. As everyone knows yesterday was "Dr. Day" he was unable to go with me because he was taking care of "stuff" so mom went with me. Later on in the day we talked and he finally came to me and said, "I'm tired, frustrated, & feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going - I feel like I can't let myself think about Elijah because if I do I'm going to go down"
what did I say?... NOTHING, just nodded as I rubbed his shoulder! I had no words! How could I - his wife - his "help mate" NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!?!?!?!?!?
Today as we got stuff done around the house, I saw the weight of the world weighing heavy on my husbands shoulders as dreams are being washed away - and yet through it all...
HE KEEPS SMILING :)
I'm so grateful for worship - I LOVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD where all our hopes & dreams in him will never die!
I don't feel too strong these days so if anyone runs into me & it looks like I've lost my smile. I'm still me - just going through some rough days right now. If I don't write as much - Just hard to put my thoughts together.
PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)
PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)
It is just that
MY HEART IS
-broken
-heavy
-torn
-shattered
AND YET ALL THE WHILE SO VERY HAPPY EVERY TIME MY BABY BOY KICKS AND MOVES INSIDE ME because that assures me "he is still with me, I'm still his mommy, I am still caring for his needs right now, and that is such a joy to me - a very fulfilling emotion all the while knowing it will all too soon come to an end.
Mother's Day this year will be VERY DIFFICULT not just because of it being my 1st & last one with Elijah but also because of the MOMMIES I have met since on this journey, and knowing some extent of the pain they walk with. ALTHOUGH WE ALL HAVE THE HOPE OF CHRIST... it just somehow does not fill the void in their arms and hearts. Knowing that I will too be in their place - I WISH I HAD SOME COMFORTING WORDS!!!
I'm so blessed to know WE ARE NOT ALONE!! thanks for being with us and for taking the time to comment and for the prayers - they are so uplifting.
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