Thanks & why am i so mad?????

Just gotta say thanks from the very depths of my heart! I have had so many great responses, which have encouraged me and enabled me to take a deep breath and in the moments that seem so heavily painful;that I can barely breath... I have managed to breath in a breath of fresh encouragement. I don't know how all this grief stuff works but I have already figured that there is no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't have any particular order or way of happening. SO THAT, scares me something fierce - Like this anger I have been feeling... Whooah! boy was this so unexpected to me. I mean I keep telling myself, "Marie, YOU believe in GOD and YOU trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. YOU KNOW GOD HAS A REASON AND A PURPOSE FOR THIS". I tell my self that more than a million times a day! But it just doesn't take away the anger that I feel at this moment. The anger of not having my precious 8 week old baby boy! I AM MAD! I'm mad because 25 hours and 30 minutes was not enough time I wanted to bring him home! I know that this must sound so selfish to those of you Mommy's who didn't even get that and I'm so sorry for your heart break too! I'm just saying I feel like this is so unfair. I TOLD GOD TOO!!! I told Him last month. I told Him that my heart hurt so bad and that I didn't think it was fair to not have even let me bring my baby home, not even let me change his diaper. So many things I didn't get to do, like hold him in my right senses not heavily sedated by all the meds from the c-section. I guess I've never shared how stupid I was when Elijah was born... As soon as the doctors took him out. I heard nothing not a whimper not a cry not one single sound. I asked Steve if he was already dead and the doctor heard me and said, "No, he is alive". He called Steve over to him and still no sound. FINALLY the nurse and Steve walked over to me, my hands still tied down. The nurse placed Elijah on my chest and my tears rolled down my cheeks. He was breathing so, so very labored. A very tired faint grunt from deep within him. I began to talk to him. I asked him if he was tired, I asked him if it was hard for him to carry the weight of his big smart brain all by himself with no more water to carry the weight for him. I told him I was so proud of him for being my strong brave boy, for not leaving before I could kiss his sweet face. As the nurses rolled me out of the operating room down the hall and back into my room I kept talking to him. Telling him how many people were their waiting to meet him. How much I loved him. I could see how much he was struggling to take every breath and he was very blue. I cuddled him closer to my face and whispered into his ear, "When Jesus comes for you baby... you can go. I love you Lijah, I love you with all my heart baby, Daddy & I are so proud of you. I want you to stay with me here, BUT mommy knows you are tired baby and when Jesus comes for you, when he comes you can go okay baby?! I LOVE YOU".
SO you see I knew he wasn't coming home with me. because the nurses had told me, "when he is born if you hear a good loud steady cry you will have a few days with him and chances are very good that he will go home with you from the hospital for at least a few days". BUT HE NEVER CRIED!!!! SO HOW STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE EXPECTED HIM TO COME HOME!!!!! I had already told him I knew he was struggling. I told him to go with Jesus! and now I'm mad, like if I had no clue this was going to happen. STUPID ME!
I wanted to bring him home!!! Oh and the special hats we made DIDN'T FIT not even the one Susie made us like the adorable ones she made for Joshua - did'nt fit!
Elijah's cele was massivly big. I wonder if any of you would want to see some of the pictures we took of him showin off his "SMARTNESS"? He was so beautiful but I know many people get uncomfortble with looking at his "SMART BOY PICTURES" so maybe I better not post them. I don't know, whats your opinions?
If Steve & I had been able to bring him home with us we would have been proud of him and taken him every where with us (JUST LIKE SUSIE WITH JOSHUA) and take lots & lots of pictures.we talked about that so many times before he was born, about where we would take him we had even sorta planned on him being with us to go to church family camp. WE DO HAVE LOTS OF PICTURES we have 394 pictures from the proffesional ,angel babies photographer and we have 200 pictures from family pictures and a video of his 25 and 1/2 hour life. We were also blessed with a 2 hour video coverage of his life celebration services along with approximatly 75+ pictures of the services. THE SERVICES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh I MISS HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I WISH SO BAD THAT THERE WAS A WAY FOR ME TO SHARE HIM AND HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO ME WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD!! I WISH PEOPLE NEVER FORGOT HIM, I wish people asked me somthing about him. HE is still so very much a part of my life and I wish people talked about him to me. He is on my mind all the time. Josiah does talk about him. He talks about him almost every day not quite but pretty close to every day. That makes me mad too, to here Josiah say such loving tender words to ELijah's pictures and then to see him kiss the grave side before we leave the cemetery. It makes me mad that my little man can't be a big brother!!!!! He is so loving and tender, whenever he sees a flower he says, "look mommy for Lijah cemetery". Or bubbles, he loves to blow bubbles and whenever a tiny one floats away high into the sky he yells at the top of his lungs "for you Lijah, for you a tiny one". Then he justs giggles! Josiah would have been a darn good no GREAT big brother and it just tears me to shreds because that was taken from him!!!!! makes me mad!!!! just mad!!!!! Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep I will quietly go into Josiah's room and crawl into bed with him and just hold him and smell him and watch him for hours and hours on end and just cry in silence. My precious boys!!! my beautiful precious boys!!!!! Oh how I miss you Lijah!!!