PLEASE READ!!! ALL THE WAY THROUGH

Okay, so I hope you all noticed the new link at the top of my side bar. http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/bigd09/jpopst (I don't know how to do this link stuff to well) BUT PLEASE!!

I know the economy is bad right now, for everyone all over!!
We are all in this world together. In one way or another we all affect people around us, whether positive or negative our choices and decisions, do have an impact on those around us.

This is a very good cause. My children, husband & I came up with a very creative idea to help raise money for this GREAT cause:
We have discussed what is the something we can do? -
WE ARE GOING TO RECYCLE ALUMINUM SODA CANS and whatever redemptive value we receive we will make that our donation.

So see, even in a bad economy there are ways we can make a difference. People who suffer from this disease need us to stand in the gap!! WE NEED TO BE THERE FOR THEM IN ANY WAY WE CAN!!!

WHY DO YOU CARE MARIE?
well 2 reasons!

1.) A very dear Friend of our families is running the marathon to raise money.
2.) My 14 year old nephew(from my brothers side) is in remission right now from a very fast type of leukemia. He was diagnosed when he was just eight years old and has undergone numerous extenuating treatments. He has lost all of his hair, lost tons of weight gotten both back after much hardship endured. WE have almost lost him 3 times!! BUT THANKS BE TO GOD FOR HIS MERCY & THE KNOWLEDGE HE HAS GIVEN MEDICAL SCIENCE AND FOR PEOPLE LIKE OUR DEAR FRIEND & OTHERS who are not complacent. People who DO; as if it were for their very own!!
*I know this is sorta tugging at your heart strings but in your head you are thinking " I am barely making it. I don't have money. " etc. etc.
PLEASE take a look at your children, parents, spouses, friends and know that someone just like them are suffering the pain of cancer!!

ANY AMOUNT IS APPRECIATED!!!
It is ALL of us putting in our nickels, dimes and pennies that can make a difference!!!
* In closing I just want to share a thought that crossed my mind;
In the Bible Jesus said, "WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR THESE YOU HAVE DONE UNTO ME" the bible also says that one day He(Jesus) will tell us "when I was sick, you attended to me, when I was cold you, clothed me, when I was hungry , you fed me. When I was in need you helped me. WEll DONE"

honestly, even a $1.oo donation would help someones loved one. WE can all come up with at least one dollar, right? PLEASE DO WHAT IS TUGGING AT YOUR HEART! PLEASE!!
* A few ideas:
ask 5 or 10 people at your church groups, circle of friends, job sites to donate just $1.00 and donate in a group. Or set up a can at your desk. Pass the word along. There are lots of ways we can all do a little something and know that WE were each a part of something great!! talk to your kids about it. They are full of ideas. And it is a great project for school credit. Many schools here in California do a Character Counts Service Project as a requirement. Or for the younger kids as an incentive to be creative & care about the world we live in. LET'S SET A GOOD EXAMPLE!!
Let me know some of your creative ideas :~)
THANK YOU! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

See Josiah On Worship Team

Here is a picture of Joisah. Pastor says he is almost certain our church has the youngest guitar player in any church!! l.o.l

He is standing right under the spot light so you can barely see the guitar and can't see he is wearing a tie! He has a pick too and his guitar even has a homemade strap on it :)

He sings his little heart out!!!

HE LOVES TO BE JUST LIKE PASTOR!!!!!

On another-some what, sad note: I attended my very first funeral since Elijah died. It was my nephew Isaiah's grandma. She passed away. We drove all the way to Corcoran (a long 1 hour drive). Jonathan was with us- we talked all the way over there & read some bible verses. Steve stayed home with 'Si & just me & Jonathan went with mom. I had not even realized that I was going to a funeral for the first time since 'Lijah. (no clue I would feel so emotionally fragile).

I got to the tiny church, so packed with people. It was standing room only & people were still spilling out into the church yard. Today it was 78 degrees (crazy weather). Kids whining & crying all over the place and they were hot too; made me thank God 'Si didn't have to go through that.

I saw my nephew (8yrs. old) and he came and hugged me & mom. Then went with his daddy (Jonathan). The service started. I am not sure what all contributed to my emotional whirlwind going on inside of me that made me nauseous & shaky but I noticed I was staring at the flowers all around the casket and then started picturing 'Lijah's tiny casket. Grandma Carol's casket was white, just like 'Lijah's except much larger. I tried hard to shake myself out of this whirlwind.

I was sitting right by a side exit door. I kept wishing I could run out but for some reason it was as though I was paralyzed by something. Over & over I kept thinking "breath, get up & just walk out". I even thought of Susie, Kristy & Karen (women I have come to look to, in admiration for their strength to keep ministering through their grief). I thought about a blog entry from Susie; where she once wrote about how she would excuse herself from church services right after Joshua went to heaven. I kept telling myself, "EXCUSE YOURSELF! EXCUSE YOURSELF - THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE, JUST EXCUSE YOURSELF" but I couldn't move.

Finally the service was over and Jonathan motioned to me to lets go - I was more than ready.

We went up to say bye to Isaiah, his mom, uncles & grandpa. IT WAS HARD!

I hugged Isaiah and as I squatted down to tell him I was sorry that he was going to miss his grandma Carol. He looked at me and said, "Tia now, she is with your baby huh?!"(it was more of a statement but still had a sense of question to it). I squeezed his little shoulders and looked into his precious big eyes. With all the courage & strength within me I managed to half smile while fighting back tears. I just nodded and barely spoke out, "yeah!" making sure that I was smiling! I held him and told him I loved him and he said, "me too Tia, thank you"

Needless to say, I will not be attending tomorrow's burial services. I just don't feel strong enough to go. I told mom tonight and she really understood. Ugggh! I just wish I was strong enough to minister love & compassion to others in grief - I just can't seem to get there though!

PHONE- FUNNY

So last night we called Kayla to see how her project & report turned out. Josiah starts bouncing around all over the couch because he heard us say we are calling Kayla. Steve says, Kayla's moms name and Josiah starts clapping his hands saying her name over and over. Kayla gets on the phone and talks with daddy for a few minutes and Josiah is all over him trying to here his sissy's voice. After their talk daddy gives Josiah the phone and he talks to sister(just thrilled) when we start to tell him to say good night to sister and that we will pick her up next Friday his voice cracked a tiny bit - but he did good.

So now we are both giving daddy a back rub in the living room. Josiah gets bored of playing with the lotion. He goes to his room. After a long while, he comes back into the living room, sits (quietly) on the far back side of the couch. I should have known when he came "quietly".

Several minutes pass and he is still silent. My hand are full of lotion and we ask him a question or two every few minutes and he answers. We think, Oh okay so he is; just playing! (wrong!)

He had some how gotten the cordless phone and was pushing buttons. Daddy says, " Josiah you better put that phone back" (right. cause all you have to do is tell a two almost 3 year old what to do & they automatically listen right?)

My hands are still full of lotion and by now Josiah is sitting on daddy's legs(with the phone)
we here him say, "huh? huh?" I tell him, "Josiah hang up that phone"(I know- I know I should have just got taken the phone from him) BUT ALL YOU PARENTS OF TODDLERS KNOW about trying to finish up a task real quick - I was almost done & hands covered in lotion!!!

So, we here those automated voice operators talking and they say "The CRICKET(a cell phone company) number you are calling has been disconnected" Josiah's eyes widen & he gets this excited look on his face and says, "Mommy I call a cricket! I call a cricket!!" Steve started laughing (into the pillow) and I say, "Josiah stop playing with the phone" (I was trying to rub out ALL the layers of lotion, Josiah had poured on daddy's back) The kid is still pushing buttons.

Now, Steve says very sternly, "Josiah you better put that phone down or your gonna get a time out little boy!"

Josiah climbs off daddy's legs and sits farther away. Now we here him say(very quietly) "huh? I can't. No!" He pushed the speaker button, because we here the automated operator say "please hang up and try your call again" Josiah looks at us wide eyed (the I'm in trouble look) I am now starting to get up and Josiah pushes a button quickly, thinking he was hanging up the phone. He did not hand up so the operator again says, "please hang up & try your call again" He crawls behind the couch and whispers desperately, "I can't - my daddy say I in trouble" (operator keeps talking - Josiah pushing and pushing buttons operator keeps talking. Josiah says, "NO! STOP TALKING ME- I can't call you later! MY DADDY GET MAD" - "LISTEN", he yells "Listen to me -NO MY DADDY GET MAD - I NO CALL YOU BACK- NO!!! NOOOOOO!" I am putting the lotion away & Steve is getting up (we are both trying HARD not let Josiah see us laughing)
When Josiah (now very frustrated with this man- who is trying to get him in trouble) sighs in exasperation "UUUuugggggGggHHH, DADDY HE NO LISTEN TO ME!!!" throws the phone onto the couch and looks at me and says, "Me no call him back mommy. Me listen." looks at Steve pick up the phone as he sits on the couch- Josiah says "daddy gonna tell him!" SO... ... Daddy puts the phone to his ear and says, "Mr! Josiah not gonna call you back! You can't talk to Josiah no more he is only 2 years old & you better not tell him to call you NO MORE"

Josiah looks (wide eyed) very serious at Steve (the - so, there my daddy told you, look!) and says "he no call me no more daddy?" (Steve trying to hold in his laugh) "He get in trouble daddy? he no tell me to call him back later?" a very quiet "no" is all I could say (trying not to bust out laughing.

*WE THOUGHT THIS WAS VERY FUNNY & THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A LAUGH*

Here we are having carpet time at school! He loves the messy, goopy stuff. This is the pancake mix with water before we added the purple cool-aid. Today we made & painted "thankfulness baskets" out of cut apart egg cartons. When I asked him what he was thankful for he quickly shouted out, "Lee-La! me thankful for my "Lee-La"!!!!(so sweet :~) He cried so bad when she left on Tuesday night. My heart was mostly broken for my sweet girl; I remember whenever her sister was probably around Josiah's age and we would go to their home to pick Kayla up & her little sister would cry as her Kayla got in our car & we drove off. Kayla's eyes filled with tears as she looked back til we turned the corner. Now she is going through it again with ' Si & soon she will have to go through this again for her baby brother at her mom's house. These sweet babies are still young and don't understand what is going on. She called home from her mom's to check on 'Si Tuesday night- SHE IS A SWEETHEART.

I am so grateful because Kayla's mom really seems to understand, like once when I was pregnant with Elijah, We were on our way to get Kayla but were not near her school but passed a school with a similar play equipment and Josiah started crying & crying because he thought we had passed Kayla's school - not stopping to pick up his sister. I called Kay's mom and explained what had happened & she agreed to let Kayla talk to Josiah for a minute. Once she too had to call our cell phone because her sister was crying for Kayla as well.

One thing is for sure - "OUR GIRL IS SO SWEET"! (missing her so bad - wish she was gonna be here for Sat. when we go sell at the auction)

SCHOOL TIME

Josiah & I had school again. It felt like forever since we last had school, because of the long weekend & Kake being home!

We are still on the autum/fall theme & of course giving thanks. Our verse for the week is 1 Thessalonians 5 :18 "In everything give thanks"

It is so funny to here him try to say thessalonians he says "fetha-a-almiamamanoiance" too funny after two tries to get him to pronounce it the right way I just said, okay then just say in everything give thanks and then he laughed again and tried saying the whole verse once more and then said , "mama I don't know it too hard".

We played with pancake mix, water & purple cool-aid mix and played patty cake singing our new give thanks song.

We don't get to bring Kayla tomorrow because it is her moms weekend. So we will miss her on our family stuff this weekend. We might go sell at the local auction and she loves to go but she has never gotten to go & sell so we will really miss her. She & my mom are partners when it comes to selling!!! I know my moms already missing her, she called & asked are we getting Kay this weekend? & when I said, "no its her moms weekend" she sounded VERY disapointed:~(

I better go for now cause its school time for my 'Si!!!

My Kids Weekend

Kayla busied herself all weekend long. She either played with 'Si, hung out with mom, crawled all over dad or... ... ... (I think her all time favorite) INVENTING & BUILDING A TREE SWING!
She came up with the idea one of the days while I was hanging laundry. First her & 'Si were playing ball & the next thing I know My two monkeys are swing off a tree swing.

AND HERE, IS HER & BROTHER POSING PROUDLY WITH HER FINISHED PROJECT.

her TROPICAL RAIN FOREST!!

with everything from a body of water, swinging monkeys, butterfly's, bananas & berries to a rain forest snake & tropical flowers too! :~)

SHE IS SO PROUD OF HER HARD WORK!

not only daddy, mommy & josiah helped Kay, so did Kito-Ben!! He bought Kake the banana stickers.

16 weeks ago

It has been 16 weeks that at this very moment my little angels body was cuddled in my arms(lifeless? NO! not his soul!!!).

We have shared before about how warming and sweet The Perfect Peace Of God just envelopes us during worship, and when are precious Kakie is home with us, Steve, Josiah & I are overwhelmed with a feeling of complete wholeness.

Yesterday was one of those days. Watching her worship & sing unto her Lord & Savior standing next to me is an amazing feeling. Whether she is clapping and giggling with her bubba facing her, standing on the worship team strumming his guitar or if she is kneeling face bowed, hands raised, tears streaming down her face; We know she has a precious relationship with God!

This weekend has been a slumber party weekend at the Douglas Home. The blankets never really went to far from the living room... ... We've had a "camp out in the sala(living room)" weekend. It's been so much fun!

Yesturday we ended up not going to the cemetery for several reasons, 1. it was soggy wet from rain, 2. Kay got invited to spend the afternoon with Maddie, 3. I was feeling numb emotionally, and 4. Josiah was actually begging for a nap!!! Steve & I cuddled on the couch and watched football together all afternoon. (It was a nice treat - football with my sweetheart uninterrupted). We laughed when we were snacking & he said, "Hey this feels like when we were dating!"

My two precious blessings are cuddled closely under the covers. "KODAK MOMENT" :~)
I covered them up as I walked into the kitchen to get on the computer and my heart ached when this thought crossed my mind, "My two precious blessings" because My other
"Blessing - My 'Lijah" isn't with us.

Last night at church Kay was sitting with all the girls during dinner & worship. Usually she is the first in line for desserts after worship and last night, Steve asked me, "whats wrong with Kayla?" I looked over at her and she was just sitting there looking as if she was about to cry or like if she was sick. I asked her what was wrong and she just nodded, nothing. Steve said, "why isn't she in line for dessert with all the kids?" I waved her to come to me and as soon as she was in front of me she threw herself onto my arms and began to sob saying, "oh mommy I miss my 'Lijah" - I walked with her to a back room in our church and just held her. We comforted her and told her we loved her and we know how much she misses him! I held her for about 5-7 minutes and in those 7 minutes she expressed something to us she had never told us since 'Lijah died. She said, "I am sad but I am mad too because I only got to hold him once"

I assured her that we all felt that exact same way. We ALL feel mad & sad because he left so fast. As she held onto my neck tightly I whispered, "Baby girl do you want to know a beautiful secret? she looked at me and nodded yes tears rolling down her precious face. I said," look at mommy for a second okay" and when she looked into my eyes I told her, "do you know that no matter where you are at, in church at school at home with your mommy or at home with daddy & me "If you begin to sing worship to Jesus then you & 'Lijah are both in the presence of God, doing the exact same thing? and just like when daddy hugs & cuddles both you & 'Si it is the same with you & 'Lijah. When you are worshiping so is 'Lijah and Jesus is loving & cuddling both of you!" Her beautiful blue tear filled eyes just looked at me and she smiled and said, "okay, mommy" I said, "but we can still be sad & even mad because we didn't get to hold him that much & Jesus understands okay!" We wiped her face and she served herself dessert & hot cocoa and went upstairs for class.
*HUGE SIGH For Steve & I* (Oh we just wish we could take her pain away)

My pumpkins are still cuddled under the covers at "CAMP DOUGLAS"
Later today we are going to go out to the cemetery and Josiah asked if he could take his ball to play with 'Lijah so we might take the ball out there. We want to take a "family" picture cause Kay is home with us!!!

Dear 'Lijah:
I miss you sweet boy! Kakie & 'Si miss you too. Yesterday before church daddy was listening to your song "I'll fly away" he went and stood in front of the window, looking out side. His hands gripped the window seal and he cried silently. Daddy misses you a lot more since Moriah came home. I do too!
Today sissy & bubba want to go to the cemetery to play ball. Saturday night mommy showed them a new ball game in the tub and we were laughing & giggling with the ball bouncing all over the bathroom - I missed you at that moment so much! Daddy came into the bathroom and watched us be silly for a bit and then I noticed his eyes filled with tears and he walked out.
'Lijah, we aren't sad cause your in heaven, we know we will see you again we are all just sad for the things we have to do WITHOUT YOU!
There are so very many people who miss you - I know! I see it in Ya-Ya's face sometimes, even when she is trying to be strong. I know it- she misses having you here with Moriah, like it was supposed to be! Grandma misses you too - she bought you a card for your birthday- she wrote to you! Whenever Tio Jonathan comes over he will either look at your pictures quietly or go out to your flower garden. Nina & Nino don't say to much and they also don't come over that much but I know their hearts hurt for you too - Nino's dad went to be with Jesus just 6 weeks after we found out you were coming. Nino misses his dad just like we miss you. Yesterday at church, Tia Cindy said nothing to me about you but her hugs and her tear filled eyes looking at me as I held Moriah SAID IT ALL! Tia Cindy hurts when mommy hurts. She is Mommy's best friend.Daddy & I have to try & be brave sweet boy & we are trying everyday!!!

WE LOVE YOU & WE MISS YOU PAPA'S!!!

TODAY & YESTURDAY

TODAY, ELIJAH WOULD HAVE BEEN 4 MONTHS OLD. Not sure how we will feel today but one thing is certain;

THIS IS THE DAY WHICH THE LORD HAS MADE & WE WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT!!!

Yesterday's day out was a wonderful time! After getting Kay some stuff at Old Navy we went to a consignment store and looked around then we came home & had sandwiches for lunch.

Josiah was very tired and fell asleep right after lunch. Daddy put in a movie for himself & Kakie & I worked on the computer gathering data for her ecosystem project.

Once she had taken notes and written important data, we turned off the computer, Daddy turned off the movie & we went out in our back yard and worked on her project with her.

She walked all over our back yard looking for various types of plants, twigs & Mommy even let her pull apart some brand new plant moss from 'Lijah's flower garden. We also used a tiny bit of a plant from ' Lijah's funeral too. Kake thought that was so special. She said, "Oh mom brother's gonna help me get a good grade on my project". We both smiled. Kake painted the inside of her box with green tempera paint and then we began to work on the tree limbs with cut up news paper that she rolled into a long tiny strips. She is making a TROPICAL RAIN FOREST.

We had so much fun. Daddy help with spray painting the stuff that needed stronger paint. & Mommy helped her with the glue gun. We were getting into the whole project mode thing with Josiah now working on "his own" Ecosystem box (copying sister of course) When suddenly without warning... ... RAIN!! We began screaming(well just mommy & Kake) the boys were laughing at us as we all ran around gathering our stuff. When Kakie says, "Well, we can't have a Tropical Rain Forest without rain!" We all laughed and ran inside.

We will work on her project again today, when Josiah takes his nap. After that Josiah & Dad went to the store while Kake & I had a great time cooking dinner together. I taught her how to make grandma's famous Spanish rice & tacos de carne asada. I stood by her the entire time but watching her cook just reminded me of how much she has grown. When we first met she was a tiny pudgy 5 year old just about to turn 6 and now my sweet girl is 10!!!

Of course Josiah threw a fit when we told him he could not stand by the stove like sister because he was too small. He cried & cried feeling so insulted that we had told our "big" boy he was too small. He just couldn't understand "why". (sweet baby boy - He will learn soon) :~)

Kakie was so proud when grandma came for dinner and Daddy & Grandma kept getting second servings of her rice. She was telling Grandma step by step how she had made the rice, ingredient by ingredient!

Well I better get going we have to get ready for church. & then we are going to the cemetery too. We are hoping to take pictures with Kakie home for this months anniversary of brothers 4 month b-day.

Our Sweet Girl IS HOME!!!!

We picked Kayla up from school yesturday & played football in the front yard as soon as we got home!!! Josiah tackled me to the ground and Daddy chased Kayla all over the yard. Josiah & Kayla were so happy to see eachother.

We also took a family trip to the library - that was fun but Josiah was trying to get all the Thomas The Train movies & was so excited to be with Kayla that we were not able to spend that much time in there. Kayla & I are still reading Heidi so we re-checked it out. but returned the movie & she picked out "how to eat fried worms" EEeeK!!!(not looking forward to watching that with her) But Steve is all proud cause she picked that movie!!! Of course Josiah got Thomas The Train.

When we got home we had sandwiches & snacks and spread out all the blankets in the living room. (OUR NEW KAYLA'S WEEKEND TRADITION) WE CAMP OUT TOGETHER IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!! We watched movies and played rumble tumble all over the living room floor and finally fell asleep :~)

Steve was laying in the middle between Kayla & Josiah. I watched them laying there cuddling and said, "Oh It's Kayla & Daddy sleeping together just like when she was a baby."
Kayla & Steve giggled and she snuggled into daddys arms so closley it was such a warming feeling.

We are all done with breakfast and getting ready to take Kayla on a girls day out!! Moriah is comming too!!!

The guys started whining about being left behind... ... ... so they are gonna tag along for a bit but we are sending them to another store when Kayla goes to Old Navy!!!

Steve & I managed to sneak into our bed at 3:00 a.m and this morning we were awaken by two wild "monkeys" jumping all over our bed.

Steve & Josiah went to the store & Kayla & I made french toast for breakfast.

OH,

B I G NEWS!!!!!

KAYLA BROUGHT HER REPORT CARD HOME

1). A 4). B+ and 1). C OUR BABY GIRL IS A 3.0 STUDENT!!!!

WAY TO GO KAKIE!!! WE LOVE YOU SWEETNESS!!

TGIF!

We had some what of a rough long emotional week. He has been so faithful to us through this. I had an anxiety/panic thing happen this week- UuugggggHhhhh!!!!

I am so grateful for His love & Perfect Peace!

TODAY we go pick up Kakie!!!

I am really glad :~)

Josiah has been missing her & asking for her all week!

*hoping to get some much needed good family fun time this weekend!!!!*

WOW!!!

OH... If I had a camera you would all see an AMAZING SIGHT!!!!
My house is spotless!!! I was up at 5:30 this morning - I had a wonderful time of prayer & then DETAILED my house!!!

I washed & hung out ALL the laundry - It is breezy and drizzly so all four of our lines were completely full!! It took all day for it to dry because of the weather.

I cleaned my room, living room, dining room, KITCHEN(that's remarkable) ALL IN ONE DAY!! that's not all

Josiah & I walked to the store at noon. I got stuff for dinner and I made embueltos (mom, jonathan, tony & yaya & moriah came for dinner) AND I made a mexican gizo pronounced
- g ee so (g like in grass) the gizo was for Ben & Minn's family. On Monday's she spends the night with her mother in law. SO I want to start cooking for her on Monday's so it is easier for them before she goes to Thomasita's.

WOW!! a clean house all in one day & 2 dinners!!!! too bad I ran out of energy & didn't get all the clothes folded & put away... oh well but even after a full house for dinner & dessert MY KITCHEN IS IMMACULATE!!
so proud of myself :~)
My bed even has fresh clean crisp bedding too!! So do the kids beds :~)

My two handsome guys are fast asleep on the couch - a kodak moment

I think I'm gonna turn in early :~)

Treasure In Earthen Vessels

The Bible says, 'we have this treasure in earthen vessels... '
This verse quickly came to my mind this week, when while Josiah & I were eating our lunch with worship music playing in the background. In the middle of our conversation he began to sing along with the CD; "crucified, laid behind the stone. you lived to die rejected & alone like a rose trampled on the ground. You took the fall & thought of me above all"...

With a mouthful of food he looked at me and asked, "mommy what frusified mean?"

I looked at him and some what surprised, I answered, "means Jesus died!"
(why I thought that was the end of the conversation is besides me)
He replied, "Oh, hmm... why Jesus died?"
I paused for a quick second and answered, "because he loves us & paid for our sin"
(where the conversation went from here was a TOTAL SHOCK to me - I was blown away in more levels than I can explain)
He very seriously looked at me and asked, "Mommy what Lijah pay for, for him die?"
With the biggest knot in my throat and after a HUGE PAUSE... I answered, "nothing baby, Lijah didn't pay for nothing".
He tuned into the next song playing and began to hum it while finishing his lunch.
(Thank God!!! - Because my emotions were in a whirlwind).

I began to ponder that and many other profound questions Josiah has been asking me lately & how recently he has become so very extra clingy. I remembered one of the other questions he asked me about when will Lijah come back in my tummy & come home like Moriah.

Then it all began to make a little bit more sense (I think) Could it be that he is working through this death & grieving process just like all of us, but only in his own way?

I made a call to someone, for some counsel & reassurance as to how I was answering my sons questions. The answer I received was a bit surprising & hurtful. I was told that Steve & I were the problem & that Josiah was fine with where his brother is at. I was told that although I might be upset after this phone call; that they could imagine life with out their spouse or child(ren). I was told that they would be happy IF they had a two year old asking questions like this.
I was told that I need to start moving forward rather than, every month when "THAT" day comes around get all sad and stay home and stop doing normal activities(Which we So DO NOT DO!!!). I was told that we should imagine how parents of a three month old felt when their baby died tragically & unexpectedly!! I was told, "you knew this was happening & you were even able to dedicate your baby at the hospital. Imagine the pain of the parents of this three month old, that is hard - they lived life daily with that baby". My Lijah is still our baby. I do feel for ALL parents who suffer pain for their children. Age & time does not matter! Our pain hurts too! I mean, IF this person knew me & Steve to even just half the people we truly & really are. This person would know THE REAL US & WHAT WE REALLY DO from day to day. That we Love The Lord, Serve Him as best we can and Teach are children to Love the Lord! We are human & we hurt for the loss of our Lijah who lives in heaven. I see nothing wrong with thinking about our baby boy. In fact we do! We think of him in everything we do - even at church during worship service!

**NEWS-FLASH!!!!!**
My family & I are moving forward! We are moving forward one step at a time and one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time!!!
Walking & Living in "THESE BLESSED SHOES WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN AS A FAMILY"
is a huge difference from IMAGINING IT!!!

But I also realize that this person does not have very much personal knowledge of dealing with grief to the extent of loosing a child.
After working through my personal hurt, because I really look up to this person and see this person as a very wise person - I gave my hurt to the Lord and pray that He deal with this person in regards to how this person sometimes tends to be insensitive and although very wise in many ways also ignorant to a certain things and does not realize how hurtful such nonsense, careless words can wound an already broken heart.

We have treasures in earthen vessels... - I Praise The Lord for Who He is in my life! The strength & source of our families life!

I think if a person is approached for counsel & YOU are uncomfortable then it would be much wiser to say you are not comfortable or be courageous enough to say you do not know the answer to the question; Rather than loosely speaking just for the sake of saying something that has the power to kill.

I am so blessed that Jesus is my faihful friend Who KNOWS US FOR WHO WE ARE! The bible says he knows are commings & are goings. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
I bless His name for the treasure of my children!!! ALL OF THEM!! the ones in heaven(miscarriage+ Lijah) & my two here on earth!!! THOSE ARE TREASURES WE HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH!

GRANDMAS EMBUELTOS

First of all I am honored to share this recipe!!Second and Most importantly - You all need to know why we called my grandma Grandma Chicken. Her & My Grandpa had chickens & ducks. Grandpa once told a story that the chickens were Grandpas and the ducks were his. From then on everyone called him"Grandpa Pato" (duck) and called Grandma, "Grandma Chicken". MY MOMS PARENTS!Grandma Chickens Embueltos*Grandma NEVER used conventional measurements - she used her fingers and the palms of her hands & thats how mom & I cook too!! SO here it goesThings You will needA Large Skillet or Frying PanGround BeefCorn Tortillas1 Block Long Horn Yellow CheeseSaltPepperCooking Oil1-2 cans of tomatoe sauceCumin Powder [cheater version] * Grandma ground it fresh in her molcajete (hand rock grinder)Garlic powder[cheater version]*California Chile PowderWhite Onion chopped finely [ I never use onion I'm allergic Grandma always made a special batch for me & Tia Carmen without onion]All Purpose Flour or [Wondera Powder - I CHEAT SOMETIMES] Grandma NEVER cheated!!!STEPS
Shred cheese.
Warm up some cooking oil in a skillet (about a 1/4 cup) depending on how many you will make.
Dip each tortilla in skillet for about 30 seconds on each side - not letting them get hard.
When you take out each tortilla lay it on a paper towel covered plate - to drain greese.
The greese should have finished by now.
If not drain it out from skillet.
Place however much ground beef you will need 1 lb. feeds approx. 6 people [but I make mine real meaty plus I hardly ever cook small portions]
brown the meat
add salt, pepper, garlic cumin.
cook well, until meat is practically dry.
If small amount of oil remains in skillet tilt skillet to one side slightly in that small amount of oil add flour or wondera[2-3 tablespoons fry that till white substance turns light golden brown] If no oil left in pan pour about 1-2 tablespoons in and tilt and do the same as above.
immediately after browing flour pour in 1 can of tomatoe sauce
Quickly add 1 1/2 cups of hot water.
then pour in about 1-2 tablespoons of California Chile powder [new mexico chile is much to spicey and sometimes gives a bitter/sourish twist]
sample taste the sauce for consistancy & spices. (should NOT be too thick & NOT runny)
if it seems like it needs more water or spices add it now
turn flame to simmer
If sauce needs more thickness - take 1 cup of cold water and mix in about a spoonful of flour or wondera. Mix it very well, making sure you disolve ALL the lumps. Then pour that cup into the skillet.
Once sauce is just right turn off flame by now it should have simmered for about a good 15-20 minutes with everything added.
Take 1 tortilla at a time and dip it into skillet full of sauce & meat.
place tortilla on a plate, glass cassarole dish or cookie sheet[you can microwave or bake in oven *YOU CAN GUESS BY NOW WHICH I DO... the cheater version, Grandma didn't have microwaves!!!* YOU CAN PLACE ABOUT 6-8 embueltos ona large dinner plate and microwave
With a holey spoon fill tortilla with meat & a small amount of cheese (onions * I don't)
Repeat this step for as many tortillas or meat as you have.
Then pour more cheese on top(onions * I don't)
NOW take all remaining sauce which by now should have VERY VERY LITTLE MEAT and Pour all over the tray or plate of embueltos.
Microwave plate or dish for about 3-5 minutes or until cheese is melted.
I make a side of spanish rice and a side of beans to go with it.
THATS IT :~)
LET ME KNOW HOW THEY TURN OUT FOR YOU
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS OR FOR MORE CLARITY EMAIL ME at: stv.mre@gmail.com

Questions about Home Schooling Preschooler's

*** First I was asked by an anonymous commenter to share our recipe for embueltos. Will do real soon but would rather know who wants recipe. I have no real reason just curios I guess.
Maybe I just want to know who's gonna be trying Grandma's embueltos?***

Since Josiah is not in school & I don't want him to fall behind I have been doing school with him. (can't remember if I already posted that)

Well we painted today!!! YUP!! I was brave or CRAZY!!! Yeah more like crazy!! L.O.L!!!

We sat on our front sidewalk and finger painted and that turned into a WONDERFUL GAME OF "paint chase", he said.

WE laughed and giggled and sang and ran around our front yard.
(wish I could post pic's - WE looked very colorful!!!)

SO The actual school part is going really well.
schedule is pretty much as follows:
wake up
bathroom
change
sit on couch to watch Curios George on PBS (while I make b-fast)
eat b-fast together.
Josiah plays alone for about 20 minutes
WE do laundry & house chores together
then we have "MOMMY'S PLAY SCHOOL"
usually we start with a song & prayer
then go over our bible verse
story time counting time
singing & marching time
Then we head outside for play time either a walk or an activity (today was paint & paint chase)
Then we come inside at about 11:00- 11:30
He does self play for about 10-20 minutes
I fix lunch serve it & we eat together
then he takes a nap.

HERE IS MY QUESTION
He is being super super clingy to me from the time he wakes up - if daddy doesn't give him UNDIVIDED attention then he is way more clingy to me.
I'm sorta spinning silly about this. Is it MY fault? Am I giving him too much attention?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS HAPPENING?
I mean isn't he supposed do be able to play or entertain himself a little more than that?
Or is this a typical 2 -3 year old?
AAGGggggggggggggggggHhhhhhhhhh!
ANY ADVISE WOULD SO BE APPRECIATED PLEASE!!!!!!

Grandma Chickens Embueltos

First of all I am honored to share this recipe!!


Second and Most importantly - You all need to know why we called my grandma Grandma Chicken. Her & My Grandpa had chickens & ducks. Grandpa once told a story that the chickens were Grandpas and the ducks were his. From then on everyone called him


"Grandpa Pato" (duck) and called Grandma, "Grandma Chicken". MY MOMS PARENTS!





Grandma Chickens Embueltos

*Grandma NEVER used conventional measurements - she used her fingers and the palms of her hands & thats how mom & I cook too!! SO here it goes



Things You will need


A Large Skillet or Frying Pan


Ground Beef


Corn Tortillas


1 Block Long Horn Yellow Cheese


Salt


Pepper


Cooking Oil



1-2 cans of tomatoe sauce


Cumin Powder [cheater version] * Grandma ground it fresh in her molcajete (hand rock grinder)


Garlic powder[cheater version]*


California Chile Powder


White Onion chopped finely [ I never use onion I'm allergic Grandma always made a special batch for me & Tia Carmen without onion]


All Purpose Flour or [Wondera Powder - I CHEAT SOMETIMES] Grandma NEVER cheated!!!





STEPS

1. Shred cheese.


2. Warm up some cooking oil in a skillet (about a 1/4 cup) depending on how many you will make.


3. Dip each tortilla in skillet for about 30 seconds on each side - not letting them get hard.


4. When you take out each tortilla lay it on a paper towel covered plate - to drain greese.


5. The greese should have finished by now.


6. If not drain it out from skillet.


7. Place however much ground beef you will need 1 lb. feeds approx. 6 people [but I make mine real meaty plus I hardly ever cook small portions]


8. brown the meat


9. add salt, pepper, garlic cumin.


10. cook well, until meat is practically dry.


11. If small amount of oil remains in skillet tilt skillet to one side slightly in that small amount of oil add flour or wondera[2-3 tablespoons fry that till white substance turns light golden brown] If no oil left in pan pour about 1-2 tablespoons in and tilt and do the same as above.


12. immediately after browing flour pour in 1 can of tomatoe sauce


13. Quickly add 1 1/2 cups of hot water.


14. then pour in about 1-2 tablespoons of California Chile powder [new mexico chile is much to spicey and sometimes gives a bitter/sourish twist]


15. sample taste the sauce for consistancy & spices. (should NOT be too thick & NOT runny)


16. if it seems like it needs more water or spices add it now


17. turn flame to simmer


18. If sauce needs more thickness - take 1 cup of cold water and mix in about a spoonful of flour or wondera. Mix it very well, making sure you disolve ALL the lumps. Then pour that cup into the skillet.


19. Once sauce is just right turn off flame by now it should have simmered for about a good 15-20 minutes with everything added.


20. Take 1 tortilla at a time and dip it into skillet full of sauce & meat.


21. place tortilla on a plate, glass cassarole dish or cookie sheet[you can microwave or bake in oven *YOU CAN GUESS BY NOW WHICH I DO... the cheater version, Grandma didn't have microwaves!!!* YOU CAN PLACE ABOUT 6-8 embueltos ona large dinner plate and microwave


22. With a holey spoon fill tortilla with meat & a small amount of cheese (onions * I don't)


23. Repeat this step for as many tortillas or meat as you have.


24. Then pour more cheese on top(onions * I don't)


25. NOW take all remaining sauce which by now should have VERY VERY LITTLE MEAT and Pour all over the tray or plate of embueltos.


26. Microwave plate or dish for about 3-5 minutes or until cheese is melted.

I make a side of spanish rice and a side of beans to go with it.

THATS IT :~)

LET ME KNOW HOW THEY TURN OUT FOR YOU

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS OR FOR MORE CLARITY EMAIL ME at: stv.mre@gmail.com

MONDAY

So the weekend was busy! Had a very wonderful weekend with my sweet Kakie (Kayla). She was very anxious to go meet Moriah. They came home from the hospital on Saturday evening. Steve, Kayla, Josiah & I went to moms before they got there and decorated the front yard. We put up a Welcome Home banner & hung tree decorations & balloons (all pink of course).

When we saw them driving up the street we all ran to the side walk and Welcomed them home!!!

I made embueltos(my grandmas recipes of a cross between enchiladas & a taco) for dinner.

On Sunday Josiah woke up very sick - So instead of Steve & the kids going to church. Kayla went with me to help Beth out & make her breakfast.(Gee, I wonder why she didn't pick church over a cute & cuddly new baby????).
Steve took Josiah to the doctor(our pediatrician is open 7 days a week). They spent the day together. Josiah told me they were having a "boy" day. They went to Wal-Mart & then his & daddy's favorite - a walk through home depot(Josiah loves to ride in the car carts) & Steve loves to unwind walking through their.

Whenever the kids see the orange home depot sign they say "Daddy's Toy Store!"

Kayla & I were busy with not only sweet Moriah & house chores but we were making bows.
(our new found project)

I let Kayla make three on her own. She made 3 different designs & I told her she could take them with her to her moms house & share with her sister.

I had so much time to talk with her and we read(another of our favorite pass times). She will pick out a book and we read it together then we rent the movie. right now we are reading HEIDI.

The last series we read was ANNE OF GREEN GABLES. I love that she loves to read with me and that she enjoys the same movies I do!!!

I drove her back home on Sunday evening. We talked so much!!

I MISS HER!! She will be at her moms for all this week and all next week!! This year she will be with her mom for Halloween - we were hoping she could come with us for Karaoke night at church cause she loves loves loves singing - & she's good at it too!!

We were just about there when she realized she forgot her cheer stuff here. I hope we can take it for her during the week so her mom doesn't get mad & she don't get in trouble at school.

MY PRECIOUS JOSIAH is feeling a little better but hates the breathing treatments!!!
He can't stand the mask on his face.

He has been very fussy. Last night when we took him out of the bath he was being so independent that he walked from the bathroom to his bed to change for the first time. (we usually carry him) then he stood there and said, "mommy I a big boy for dry myself like daddy, watch!" and he did he dried him self(very well I might add) then as I tried to put him on his bed to dress him, he said, "No mommy I a big boy for change myself!" He put on his night time pull up & his P.J's ALL BY HIM SELF!!!! my boy is growing up!!!

THE BUBBLE & blessed assurance

Today was a busy day with various appointments and picking up Kayla. We were blessed and able to do a little bit of much needed clothes shopping! WE HAD A GREAT AFTER-NOON!!

~praise the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name, for he has done great things; bless His holy name!!

We decided Steve would stay home with the kids and I would go alone to see Beth. It was a nice quiet drive.

We sat together and talked and laughed and I had lots of cuddles with Moriah :~)

About an hour and a half went by and Ben & Minn came in we talked and laughed some more!

SUDDENLY... ... .... .... .... ...
I started feeling my emotions begin to race and then a numbness quickly sealed me away from myself - like a bubble surrounded me. Although I was hearing what was being said, I was far away, secluded from my true feelings. I heard Ben telling Moriah beautiful thing and watched [them] all. I say them because I felt like a stranger, like I was at a far distant place(emotionally).
I looked at the clock - it was 7:45p.m (visiting hours end @ 8). I stood up hugged Beth, said bye to Moriah, kissing her on her little head, hugged Tony, Ben & Minn. They were all oblivious as to my [protective bubble]. I walked out into the waiting room to sit by mom. My bubble was slowly diminishing. I needed mom. I needed her touch. I sat next to her but she too was oblivious as to my bubble - she kept right on playing a game with Maddie, who had been alone in the waiting room, so mom was spending time with her.

Ben came out a few minutes later and mom started walking toward the doorway. I stood up looked one more time at mom and said goodnight mom-love you! She said love you too!

I turned and walked out of the hospital down the pathway to the parking lot, got into my car and as soon as I drove out of the parking lot, my bubble bursted...

I broke into the loudest whaling crying I have ever cried in my whole entire life. I have never cried from so very deep within. I was not angry. I was just in so much pain - missing my baby boy. I cried out to God in the loudest voice ever and told Him I loved Him & trusted Him. I quoted scripture over my life. I worshipped Him for EVERY BLESSING HE POURS OUT!! I blessed His name For His excellent ways. I called out to THE GOD MOST HIGH - SAVE ME. I called out for THE COMFORTER TO HOLD ME AND SHELTER ME. I told The Lord that I WANTED my life and the life & death of Elijah and the way we walk this path set before us to BE ALL ABOUT BRINGING HONOR & GLORY TO HIM. Because He is a GOOD & JUST GOD, WORTHY OF OUR HIGHEST PRAISE. I CRIED OUT THE PSALM THAT SAYS: WHY SO DOWN CAST OH MY SOUL? PUT YOUR HOPE IN GOD!!! I drove past the 14 mile drive home took a very long route home. I was praying the kids would be asleep - I needed Steve to my self. I knew it was to early & that they would still be up because it's Friday. I was crying out so bad I just couldn't let the kids see me like this.
I drove up the drive way (no longer sobbing) and when I got off the car Steve met me at the gate. He took one look at my make up all over my face and my swollen eyes and he just held me so tight!!!
The Kids were awake but watching a movie. Josiah tried to come out but Kayla saw daddy holding me & immediately took Josiah by the hand saying, "come on brother!!!" (in and excited inviting voice) I just love my sweet big girl!!
Steve & I stayed on our porch holding each other and weeping.

We came in and sat together in the living room and talked about the shopping part of the day.
Great way to end a beautiful day.

I am grateful for EVERY BLESSING we have been given!!!!!! I BLESS THE LORD AND KNOW HE WILL OVERFLOW HIS BLESSINGS 100 x 100 for EVERY Blessing bestowed upon us. THE BIBLE SAYS SO!! HE IS FAITHFUL TO HIS PROMISES!!!

Labor Of Love ~ Between Sisters

My sweet 'baby' sister (Beth) ABIGAIL ELIZABETH soon to be Dews (on Nov. 15th 2008)

was in long hard labor from 6:00 am to 3:00p.m

With Daddy, Grandma & I close to her side. She worked so very hard to have Moriah naturally but to no avail at 3:00 p.m the room quickly filled with medical personnel & alarms started sounding as they place an oxygen mask on Beth, one nurse looked at me & said the baby's heart rate has dropped very low - we need to get a doctor in here.

Tony was as nervous as any dad would be and mom & I just worried. I stayed very brave for Beth & told her everything would be okay. We squeezed each others hand tight and she looked at me and said, "okay I believe you"!

The anesthesiologist came in and Tony & mom stepped out. Beth sat up and held on to me, we held each other tight and I talked her through the process along with the doctor.

The doctor explained that Moriah's heart beat had come up but that mom was in need of some oxygen for a bit longer -

Finally after all the paper signing and preparations Beth & I walked into the O.R . I held my baby sisters hand and within minutes watched her become a mommy for the first time in her life!!!!

I was able to walk through this labor of love with my sister - what a treasure!!! Moments I shall forever treasure!!

***I actually did really well - it had to be all the prayers*** MUCHAS GRACIAS!!(thank you)

I missed my sweet baby boy when I was holding her and when I cut the cord, though and I whispered into Moriah's ear, telling her she has a cousin in heaven!!

My sweet Cindy was there as soon as I came out from leaving Tony in the nursery!! (IT WAS SO SPECIAL TO SHARE A TIGHT & LOVING HUG WITH MY BEST FRIEND)along with all our Family!!!

(the boys took some pictures but I only have what Cindy send me from her phone :~)

READY TO MEET MY NIECE/god-daughter?

MORIAH NISSI DEWS

8 lbs 10 oz. & 20 in. Long!!

with nino & nina (us)

IN MOMMYS ARMS

DADDYS GIRL!!!

BABY MORIAH... almost here!!! UPDATE

Beth is almost two weeks over due. The doctors told her that baby Moriah is 8 pounds 10 ounces (that was on Monday)

They have decided that she will most likely have to have a c-section. Today or tomorrow.

Beth has asked me to please go into the operating room with her. I am glad but nervous.
Beth & I are so very close, so I am not surprised that she would want me to be there for her.

I'm just nervous - Please pray for me!!!

Steve & I are Moriah's god-parents - She had chosen us as soon as she found out she was pregnant - but when we found out about Elijah it just became a deeper different feeling.

Steve & I don't know how exactly we are going to react... ...

PLEASE pray for our hearts & emotions

I will update later as to my little god-daughters bid debut!!!
*************************************************************************************

U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E*** U P D A T E***

Moriah will probably be born tomorrow!!! Beth just got out of doctors appointment, doctor said they will start induction tomorrow morning @ 6:00 a.m
PLEASE PRAY FOR MY SWEET BETH!!

BE STILL

Since Josiah has been out of school. I have been doing pre-school home schooling. (I have several units complete in Child Development, I was going to college when I became pregnant with Elijah).

I don't want him to fall behind on his colors & shapes and stuff like that. I figured if I am home with him I better be a good steward of my time with him at home.

We have been having a lot of fun. We took our first trip to the library and work on colors & shapes & bible verse & stories everyday.

He calls it "MOMMY SCHOOLY"

Last week the theme was Listening skills and his verse was
"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD"

We read our bibles and I told him the story of Moses & the burning bush (emphasizing on Moses listening to God's voice)

We played a stop, look & listen game & made sock puppets.

This morning I was tending to Steve's bandaged foot/leg & trying to get b-fast done and clean up the house. I was feeling horribly anxious. I began to cry when Josiah went out to play.
I was very frustrated & worried and anxious about our finances & about my job interview.
BUT... I was not crying out to the Lord I was just crying in frustration - on my own strength or the lack there of.

I was spot treating the carpet in the living room(no longer crying) just concentrating hard on what I was doing. Steve was in our room with the door shut. I felt a little tap on my shoulder. I looked up at Josiah and he smiled at me and said, "mamember, mommy? mamember!
~BE STILL AH KNOW I AM GOD~ remember okay STOP ! LOOK ! LISTEN !
GOD say - be still - mamember mommy!"
I smiled and hugged him and said, "YES baby I remember!"
He ran out onto the porch and started playing.

I felt the presence of the Lord touch me in a gentle manner - not harsh, not scolding and not really any specific words. I just felt His presence.
I finally began to talk with the Lord and I began to just basque in HIS PRESENCE.

I choose to listen to the voice of God, the voice of Truth!

I will not be shaken! We are teaching our son & daughter to trust God! I must choose to do the same! Even when things around me look uncertain.
I will not fear for He is with me and promises to restore my soul, to lead me to green pastures, to take me to streams of refreshing!!!

We are certain that God has us in the palm of His hand and He will supply our EVERY NEED!
WE CHOSE TO WORSHIP HIM THROUGH THE LIFE & DEATH OF ELIJAH.

WE want for God to receive all Glory & Honor ~ we want to make a difference in someones life by the way we live and the way we react to diverse situations around us.

BLESSED BE THE NAME, HE GIVES & TAKES AWAY!!
OUR HEARTS WILL CHOOSE TO SAY BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!!!!
*like Josiah said, I need to remember to be still*