MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE!!

Today it was "PAN'S & SPOONS"!!!
I think I have mentioned before that Josiah is very musically inclined... Seriously, He has been a worshipper since he was a very young baby! He mimics our Pastor who is also our worship leader - He has 4 different play guitars but takes the whole guitar thing very serious. So much so that my brother in law decided to make him a custom made guitar stand for his little bitty guitar, because he takes it to every church service since he was 1 year old. He has just recently (on his own) decided to put his guitar stand right next to Pastors & stand right by his side "DURING" the entire worship service - This boy is something!!(He loves 2 worship that's for sure)!!!
I have 3 pic's of that & will post real soon just that since we don't have our own camera or pic phone we always ask Mom, Beth or Josh to take pic's for us and I'm waiting for Josh to send me the pictures via e-mail. I think it looks so cute - he looks like a mini of our Pastor :)

Today Josiah was playing with some drum sticks he got from a drummer in a Band that Cindy's brother is in. He was pounding on my walls and singing his little heart out, so I decided that I better give him some stuff to bang on - the cake pan & plastic spoons were his favorite!
He was so engaged in this play that I was able to sort laundry, clean up from breakfast, hang a load of laundry, make lunch and still had a quick chance for a run to the bathroom :) & then after I asked[soon to be] uncle Tony to take a picture for us with his phone, I sat with him and made a joyful noise

HIS EYES ARE BLURRED OUT FOR SOME REASON

(we think he was singing & moving his face or maybe blinking)
BANGING THE CAKE PAN REALLY HARD & LOUD

Later we also added a muffin pan to our Band!

Later when my mom & Beth came after daddy got home he very proudly told them, "Bible says, JOYFUL NOISE uto the Lord psaLms 62"[accent the L] one of the verses he learned at school. His favorite verse and he knows the reference too, he says,"If you ask anything in my name, I W I L L D O I T [yelling] John furrrrrteen furrrrteen!! [rolling the r's]

He is so precious!! We also have a picture someone took at church of Kayla - kneeling at the front of our church during a worship song.(she doesn't know it was taken) We want to have it sent to our computer & then we will post it.

Oh our hearts are so filled with joy to see our kids worshipping :)

I sent out 3 more resume's today *Praying for a door to open*

Steve had a grate day & my appointments were a bit draining - nothing was resolved, well not really but I found out we can appeal it, just that it will take too long to save Josiah's spot - WE ARE STILL TRUSTING & BELIEVING, GOD KNOWS ALL OF OUR TOMORROWS, HE KNOWS WHEN I'M GETTING A JOB & HE WILL PLACE JOSIAH WHERE HE NEEDS TO BE AT THE RIGHT TIME... ... ...

until then we will keep "making a joyful noise unto the Lord"

*confession I enjoyed banging those spoons& pans* (good outlet-Hee, Hee, Hee)

DUCKS and TRUCKS

We had a very, wonderfully blessed day!





Josiah & I played and took a long walk - on our walk today, we found out that a neighbor half a block away has two big ducks waddling around inside her front yard. Josiah was soooooo amazed, we spent about 10 minutes just talking to the ducks :)





After the very long walk we came home and he invited me to sit on the side walk with him and play "trucks"(in my morning glory- flower bed) OH well flowers can be bought and re-planted if need be, but those precious memories we built today were priceless!!!!


(I so wish we could afford for me to stay home with him!!!)





We sang songs and then he said, "you wanna talk about it mom?" (that's what he says when he is feeling like a big boy and wants to engage in a one on one "conversation")



We ate lunch together and "talked about it"

THIS IS HIS NOODLE FACE PICTURE

(He said, "I'm a big boy for look like daddy" - the noodle beard)

and then when daddy got home we sat together on the couch and "talked" about ducks & trucks.

THEN IT WAS NAP TIME!!!

We had a great day and this Friday, will be even better when we get to pick up Kayla from school!!!(she gets to come home 3 weekends out of the month) we miss her more during the school year - but we mention her every night at our dinner table & bed time prayers :)

This Saturday is the annual "Remembrance candle light walk" with Angel Babies(the grief support group). The walk will be at the same park where we took our family pregnancy photos*sigh*



I have a few appointments tomorrow to try and make sense of this huge mess with the Public Assistance Department & Josiah's day care/ preschool. Please pray for God's favor on this situation - this is a christian pre-school, they learn 1 bible verse a week and Josiah was doing really well this is his second week off & if this stupid county program can't figure this all out Josiah can lose his spot. We really don't want that to happen(if he can't stay home with mommy then the second best thing would be a christian curriculum based place where they pray for meals, for boo-boos, & family & are taught by christian people) PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS MATTER TO BE RESOLVED TOMORROW WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY; THEY CAN NOT CONTINUE TO HOLD HIS SPOT WITHOUT A CONTRACT.



I know I can count on many fervent prayers going before God to resolve this matter :)
Thanks to all of you

A New Day... ... A New Season!!!

It's A BRAND NEW DAY. Three O'clock in the morning.
I am proclaiming The Goodness Of God!

He has heard our supplications!!!
Steve just started work again!!!!!

I'm next - Lord :)

I am proclaiming His Blessings with expectancy, I am grateful to all of you who have held us up in prayers - I am praying for His Blessings to Rain down on all of you who have been so faithful in praying for us!!!

May God Repay You In ABUNDANCE; HIS OVERFLOWING ABUNDANCE!!

Your prayers & encouraging comments mean so much to us & we are grateful to you!

"In The Presence of Jehovah"

~blowing bubbles~ SPECIAL thanks to our freinds in Australia blowing bubbles with us!!!

I want to thank all of you who CONTINUE to visit our Lijah's blog. YOU all mean so very much to us. Steve & I are so encouraged by your comments. We are so uplifted by your continued prayers. We know that YOUR prayers are what get us through; on our toughest days.

Yesterday being one of the heaviest thus far.

I was asked yesterday, "how are you doing about tomorrow?" I thought for a minute & then answered, "I don't know yet."

On his 1st month... I don't think I ever shared yet about his 1st month. We were at church family camp. In Morro Bay, California (about 2 hours away) our family vacation spot since I was probably 9yrs. old or so. We tried so hard to get to the coast with Lijah but because of the difficult pregnancy we never made it. Right before he was born about a week or two before, the nurse (specialist with "special" cases) called me to talk over some particulars about the delivery. She explained a whole bunch of stuff including,

this comment:

"If you hear a loud vigorous cry when baby is born, chances are pretty good baby will make it through the night and perhaps even be able to go home with you for some time."

She NEVER assured me this would happen but for some reason, I took this comment as my golden ticket & made plans on taking Lijah with us to family camp.

You can imagine the devastation (round #2) when family camp time came and we had no Lijah to take with us... ... ...

We did the next best thing!

Steve & I talked about how we could include Lijah's memory & carry him in our hearts @ OUR

"Morro Bay"

We (I) needed so deeply for Lijah to be a part of Morro Bay & for Morro Bay to know of My Lijah.

[my family & I have this "thing" with Morro Bay] We go to the ocean to tell [it] "STUFF" major milestones in our life. Like when I got engaged, we went to the edge of the ocean shore & yelled out "I'm engaged!" when I got married, not only Honey-mooned @ Morro Bay but also had a second reception there (family & friends too)! When we became pregnant with Josiah, we stood @ the ocean shore and yelled "we're pregnant!" so when we became pregnant with Elijah we were planning on going & then found out about his "smartness" that took a while to adjust to & then when I finally felt like I could handle it emotionally - physically I couldn't . My family & I also went to the edge of the ocean shore and sat quietly telling the ocean when both my grandparents passed away[mile stones]

Sooooo, maybe that's why I made this comment my golden ticket. (thinking- to plan on taking him with us). I think if our church had chosen any other place we would not have gone - It was so soon and I was so sad but it was "Morro Bay" I almost felt like I had two thing I needed to tell the ocean. [I DID have two things] His birth, & his life in heaven [milestones in my life].

Steve & I (one day before we left) finally came up with how we could make our precious Elijah known to "our" Morro Bay - I couldn't think of anything that felt right! Steve (my sweet hero) saved the day again. He took me to the back steps and said, "I have an idea"...

(I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT - So PLEASE put on your thinking caps & help me out with any ideas)

We took a glass jar (1 of my grandmas old mason jars) filled it with mementos from his funeral - 1.the blue pacifier ribbon necklace with his name & dates

2. one of the funeral programs Cindy bought for him with the little lamb picture

3.a few (saved) white silk flower petals Cindy bought to throw into his grave

4.one of his obituaries

5. letters to Elijah from each & every one of my family members including Cindy & some close church friends

On Elijah's one month birthday (we were @ family camp) we drove from the camp site to a special parking place. We all got off of our cars and passed the letters out to each other-

(all of us) to read each others letters. We were all pretty much in tears. Then Steve walked out to the very,very end of the jetty, said a prayer of Thanksgiving for ALL of Gods Excellent gifts & tossed this bottle(jar) into "our" ocean. I could not walk out with him because of the rocks, but I walked as close as I could to the rocks; watching, thinking, crying & praising my Jesus for my sweet baby. (sorry I was so long to get to my point - I didn't know I was gonna be ready to share this today) We thank you all, who still join us on our journey...

The next day (his heaven day - the 10th) I was fine! As is what happened today on his 3 month

(heaven day - the 10th) I had no idea how I would feel because of how sad I was yesterday.

But I am so at peace and I praise the Lord for the gift, of knowing my son is in the very presence of Jehovah!

Psalms 16:11 (Lijah's verse)

You have made know to me the path of life; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, WE WILL REJOICE & BE GLAD IN IT

~ 3 Months Sweet Lijah, Love you forever ~ (1 of ?)

Oh my baby! My sweet, sweet boy. I miss you Lijah. Mommy misses you so much! I want to hold you again, to feel your precious warm face, your hair, your tiny nose, I miss you papas!



When I close my eyes... I can see you so clear in my minds eye. You are forever in my heart brave boy. I am so glad you are not tired any more. You can breath so free & clear.



Daddy made you a garden precious love! He misses you every day. We know you are in such a better place. We know you are not lacking anything!


Everyday Josiah talks about you, says your name or draws you hearts. Lijah you have a wonderful "big" brother. He is so nice. I watch the video of how he kept kissing you - Oh I know he misses you too. He plays pretend with you - giving you a ride on the back of his red tricycle. He throws the ball up in the sky and yells out your name. He blows bubbles and yells, "tiny ones for you my Lijah".

I wish you could have stayed with us. I MISS YOU SO MUCH BABY BOY!

I have met a lot of ~YOUR WORSHIP PARTNERS'~ mommies. WE ALL talk about each and every one of you; how much we love you and miss you. We share stories and pictures of all of you. I'm telling everyone that today, I'm missing my sweet 3 month old baby.

Isaac & Asher and Eva and Joshua and Jacob were all their to meet you! I talk to their mommies!

Oh, my Lijah, My sweet Lijah, My little tiny baby, Mommy misses you sweetness!

HAPPY 3 MONTH BIRTHDAY !
No portrait sitting, no walking you in your stroller, no singing you to sleep...
but WE LOVE YOU FOREVER LIJAH.

Daddy & I will go to the cemetery and let your brother blow bubbles. We made you a pretty blue heart papas.

Love YOU FOREVER!
There are very special people all over the world that think you are special!
They drop in and tell us "Hi " just like the day you were born and the day Jesus & The Angels had a big , big celebration Party, when you got to Heaven!!!!
** please sign (comment) our blog today in honor of Elijah's 3 month birthday**

3 months ~ A Pocket Full Of Kisses~

A Pocket Full Of Kisses
Book By Audrey Penn

..."I think someone needs a kissing hand," she said in a voice that was warm & inviting. She took[his] hand in her own and spread open his tiny fingers into a fan. Leaning over, she kissed him right in the middle of his palm.

... And when he pressed his hand to his cheek, he could hear his mother's words in his head. "mommy loves you," they said. "mommy loves you."

..."Every night, just before the sun goes down, it reaches out with its rays and touches every star in the universe. One by one, the stars light up and shine down upon us. Even on nights we can't see the stars, they're up there sparkling away. No matter how many stars fill the sky, the sun will never run out of light, and its rays will never stop reaching out to them."

That's the way it is with kissing hands. When somebody loves you, their kisses are like the sun's rays - always there and always shining. No matter how many kissing hands I give... I will never, ever run out."

This is a story I used to read to Kayla when she was 5 years old.

now I read it to Josiah, & tonight to my Lijah!

~We will take this book and read it at the cemetery to our boys~

I WONDER...

I woke up this morning - feeling okay. Steve went on another job interview. He got back. Suddenly WHAM! a rush of emotions just slammed me! I look around and I know I am blessed. I just wonder when will I feel it? I HONESTLY feel like all I have been doing on my blog is complaining about what I don't have and all my woes. I am grateful for my family, my church and all the things I am blessed to have.

I just wonder... I wonder sometimes; WHAT? what are you showing me Lord? WHAT? what do you want me to see? WHERE? where are you taking me to Lord? WHERE? where do you want me to go?WHY? why is it so long? Why do I not understand?

I wonder... I even talked to Steve the other day; the bible speaks of blessings and cursing... I guess you can tell where I feel we are.

Things just seem to get harder and harder. Mom doesn't seem to understand she thinks this is all about Elijah. I don't know, is it? could be I guess.

I mean we are doing all we can to stay a float. Staying faithful in church, trying to stay focused, looking for jobs, going on interviews - things just seem to get harder and harder. Now the stupid county is saying they are not going to pay for Josiah's school for some dumb discrepancy thing. Josiah loves school he had just gotten over the attachment issues and now trying to get in to see my worker to dispute this matter is taking forever. She said she has an opening on Friday (1 week since this whole stuff started).

On top of this Steve. He is depressed I know it and he won't admit it. He's not talking, and just wants to sleep. He got back from the interview and layed down. He keeps saying he is tired and needs to sleep. I am trying to be understanding. I don't want to irritate him. I just feel so very overwhelmed.

We are not a people who just want to live on handouts!!!! WE JUST WANT JOBS!! we want to feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I'm just tired and overwhelmed, confused and weary. I KNOW THE BIBLE I FEEL HIM COMFORT ME, I DO.
I just wish I didn't feel like I do. I feel like we are being punished for something. I keep telling the Lord to show me, that I will fix whatever needs to be fixed. I'm just so tired of all the stress.

I wish Steve would just talk. I know he is very stressed. I can tell. The other day he told me something that I am not real sure what to do with. We were talking and he said "you don't look happy any more, I remember when we first met your eyes and face smiled even when you weren't smiling - You used to be a happy person and now I can't make you happy, maybe it's me"

I said nothing because I didn't know what to say.
PLEASE PRAY. I know I'm complaining and whining and crying and complaining AGAIN
please just pray

BLESSED!

My heart was so blessed by those of you who responded to praying for Becky's husband!
Bob is still having chest pains and is waiting on more blood tests which will decide if he needs to undergo another surgery.

Melissa, I tried to add her blog link like you said (and by the way THANK'S for taking time to show me how to do this) However, Becky's blog says something about a tema member; I don't want to bother her with the trivial stuff right now.

I will keep you all updated as to Bob's progress. I know your faithfulness in praying for Bob & Becky and their family is uplifting them.

A very special thank you to the 3 of you who went through my comments in order to find her blog & let her know you were praying!

I know God sees all of the others who are being ferverent in praying for Bob even if you were unable to leave her a comment. The important thing is for all of us to unite inprayer on their behalf!
**************************************************************************************
Tonight we came home from church & after dinner we (Steve, Josiah & I) sat on the couch together and relaxed. I was so blessed to just have time to relax and be together :)

I was rubbing Steve's feet and Josiah jumped up into daddy's arms and streched out his little legs and said, "Mommy my toes - mine like daddy too" (little turkey - He's just like his daddy)

Steve & I have been busy with church stuff we are volunteering for, so comming home early tonight was a true blessing.

Friday will be 3 months since Elijah went home to heaven. I am a little bit nervous about my emotions because when I think 3 months, I remember when Josiah turned 3 months we made a day at the mall for lunch walking him in the stroller and a portrait sitting.

In my heart, I feel like what can I do? how can I pour as much into celebrating & honoring Elijah's 3 months in heaven as we did for Josiah?

I know that sounds weird huh? it feels weird to me too but I just feel like this.

Friday is also Beth's due date to deliver Moriah! I'm nervous about that... Steve is too!

LET US PRAY ONE FOR ANOTHER

My friend Becky just wrote & told me her husband had a heart attack & has had emergency surgery.
PLEASE VISIT HER BLOG & LET HER KNOW YOU ARE LIFTING HER UP IN PRAYER!

We all know how encouraged we have felt at the times we have been struggling the hardest and how our hearts are some how comforted by uplifting & encouraging comments left on our blog.

(I know it is not EASY to find her blog because I do not have her URL but she has left a comment on my post from last night "ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR?!")

IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO CLICK ON MY COMMENTS AND WHEN YOU See HER NAME BECKY CLICK the orange blogger icon and the name of her blog is ON BEING STILL.

I know many of you pray so PLEASE drop by her blog and let her know SHE IS BEING UPLIFTED IN HER TIME OF NEED; she has prayed for manyof us through our tough times!

ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR!!!????

HE WAS VERY QUIET WHEN I LOOKED OVER TO THE DINING ROOM HE WAS SITTING ON THE FLOOR - When Steve heard me say "Josiah you are not supposed to write on the floor!" Steve & I both walked to him and Steve bent down and said now I have to tale your marker away... not nice to write on floor. Immediately Josiah cried, "I'm drawing my Lijah" we sat on the floor with him and had to console our baby boy who was so devastated because we had not appreciated what he was doing... I immediately sat with him on the floor and hugged him and Steve bent to give himnmthe marker back as we told him, "thank you for making a pretty picture for Lijah, but you need to be careful to write on the paper only okay," still sobbing he said, "IT NO FIT MAMA ITS LIJAH'S GARDEN FOR HEAVEN"
I said," okay baby I like your picture for Elijah no write on the floor okay."

Thank God for washable markers!!!

ON MY DINING ROOM FLOOR!!!

NEW BLOGGER

Help me welcome my friend mrstracypants to blog land!!! She is a special friend of mine from church. We have known eachother for over 6 years. SHE IS SPUNKY some might say strange, I once asked myself if she was weird - then I figured SHE'S not weird she's a JESUS FREAK :)

We have become so much closer during the pregnancy, birht & death of Elijah. She is one of my ladies from TUESDAY NIGHT PRAYER
AND ALSO A PRAYER WARRIOR!!! I invite you to visit her blog(on my sidebar under friends)
If you are ever in need of prayer you can REST ASSURED THAT mrstracypants will bear your burden and intercede on your behalf!!!

Forward

I was visiting a blog and was reading of a grandma's heart & how she was missing her angel grand-baby in heaven. This baby would be 2 and 1/2 (right Becky?) Just like my Josiah.
These words came to me as I sat at my computer bowing to say a prayer of comfort & peace for this family.
So I shared with Becky but thought it would be nice to share with you all too!

"As the days move forward, the memories grow deeper & stronger roots in my heart - Never forget you little one..."
I DEDICATE THESE WORDS TO ALL OF OUR ~Little Ones~

We all are moving forward with the heavy hearted days & the memories that bring us joy & healthy tears of love.

Forward has become some what of a bitter sweet. I sat out side in the memorial garden last evening as the sun was setting. I went out to hang some laundry on the line. We are expecting our 1st rain this fall tomorrow. I looked up at the grey cloudy sky. Rain clouds and a warm breeze hovering over and a bright orange sunsetting.

My tears began to roll down my face.
Hanging Josiah's shirts, I remembered his 1st rain. He was born on December 27th and it was storming real bad that year. I remember when we got home holding my tiny little baby boy (4 lbs. - 17 inches) in my arms and standing in front of the window and telling him "rain - see the rain? that's rain. Jesus makes the rain" (he was 4 days old) He had no idea what I was saying. I was just being a mommy! Doing my job teaching my baby. Telling him things about this new world he now lived in.

I finished hanging Josiah's clothes and when I started back up the side walk to my back door, the breeze blew and my attention was drawn to Elijah's Garden. A hanging bell [thingy] that Steve just bought last week began to chime in the breeze. My face covered in tears---
I sighed "OH ELIJAH YOUR NOT GOING TO BE IN MY ARMS FRIDAY FOR OUR FIRST RAIN, SWEET BOY" *still crying now*

I sat out there till the sun went down and the back lights turned on. Steve came out first not too long after we had both been sitting there Josiah joined us. We sat there together watching Josiah run and play in his brother's memorial garden. He talks to him and blows bubble for him and sometimes it hurts so bad to see him look up in the sky and say, "for you Lijah - For you - catch it brother"(throwing a toy or a ball or blowing the bubbles up in the sky) After a while when he gets bored he'll say , "lijah no listen to me mom - he no play with me". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY , so many times I don't say anything. Thank God that most of the time he doesn't wait for an answer. i have figured that's just his way of closing the 'moment' because right after he says that, he begins to play something else. * not crying any more* ;}
I wish he had a brother or sister to play with [Kayla isn't here all the time].
I know it is perfectly okay for him to have imaginary friends [his is Mathew] Mathew is actually a friend from his first day care but he always pretends Matthew is here with him.
Matthew has just recently become "MATT". I heard Josiah arguing [yes - he argues with him. he also tattles on 'matt' when he ' josiah' drops something] he said, "Matt you better move off! move right now! MY shooooooooooooooooe! I walked into his room and his shoe was stuck under his bed's foot board. He was pulling and pulling [he had no idea I was now standing behind him] I said whats wrong and he said [face mad red] Matt won't let me my shooooo lone for be late to school" I said, "oh your shoe is stuck?" he said, "no matt" I said," okay let me get it for you" so I got his shoe and as he strapped it on he said "no do that no more matt, not nice for make me late for school" and walked out into the living room[face still red].

That just makes me feel a little sad for him. Not having a little play partner, having to make believe one up! silly little guy :)

"ALSO HERE IS A SPECIAL HELLO TO OUR FOLLOWERS,
Rebekah, Melissa, LoreleAmi, MrsRubly, Siscaboo & Jessi!!" (WE GOT 6 now!!!)
YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY !!!

A few things to mention

# 1 I absolutly love blogging! and I have been piddling around on my dashboard and stuff like that to try to figure this all out, cause when I... I mean when my nephew Jared set it up for me I was jsut happy to be able to communicate back and forth about our journey with Elijah. I know I was off of blogging for about a month or so & now that I'm back.... .... It's like blog land went through a "ccolness revolution" and I missed it!!!!!!!!! [can you see me pouting? my bottom lip is dragging so low If I stand up I might trip on my lower lip] ;(
Sooooooooooooooo all you SSsssssssssssweeeeeeeeeeeeeeaties,
T E L L M E!! (WHINING!!!)(i want a cute blog too!!)

#2 Did you see that I did manage to add "followers" I'm so good at this stuff! RIGHT??!!!
WRONG but thanks to my new followers that was pretty neat to see that - took me a while to figure out what it meant; (funny confession I never told to any one before now) when I logged on one night and read 1 FOLLOWER
it was like 2 a.m and I was alone in the kitchen and I got all scared and got up to close the blinds over the sink which is directly behind my desk and then logged off and darted across the dining room, ran through the living room straight to my room and jumped into bed real fast! (I'M NOT KIDDING) I hugged Steve real tight but he was fast asleep!!
My heart was kinda pounding and I thought (some protection he is when my computer just announced I have 1 follower).
I AM SO NOT KIDDING and if my brothers and sisters and mom & Cindy & her son Chris and my nephews ROQUE, KITO & JARED & My COUSIN BERNICE were bloggers & read this they'd be BUSTING UP LAUGHING saying "YUP- she's not kidding" AND POSTING MORE RIDICULOUS STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! so glad they don't blog :)

THING'S I AM THANKFUL FOR...

1. The Word Of God
2. God's Mercy
3. His Love
4. Being His daughter
5. His comfort
6. His strength
7. My wonderful gift from God; My hubby
8. Being a Mom
9. Being a wife
10. Having a mom
11. Having sisters
12. Having brothers
13. For Food to Eat
14. For Time to snuggle at nap time with Josiah
15. For God reminding me of ALL HE has blessed me with
16. For the love of a beautiful daughter (Kayla)
17. For having 5 wonderful nephews
18. For My Salvation & Daily walk with Jesus Christ
19. For the ladies ("my girls") @ Tuesday Night Prayer
20. For my church family
21. For my blog family :)
22. For the privilege of giving birth to two precious boys! (Josiah & Elijah)
23. For the heartbreaking trials in life that make me love Jesus more!
24. For ears with which I can hear my Josiah sing worship (gotta post a video of that..)
25. For Love
26. For Forgiveness
27. For EVERY BUMP IN THE ROAD; because I walk closer to God
28. For falling; because He lifts me up
29. For Hope that never dies!
30. For MY SOON COMING KING!
31. For memories; treasured memories
32. For blessings which I cannot see!
33. For FAITH
34. For GOD ALMIGHTY, ALL HE IS, ALL HE HAS DONE & ALL HE WILL DO!
35. For Rest
36. For all the love that surrounds me
37. Because I held Elijah for 25 hours and 30 minutes
38. Because I heard him grunt a few cries
39. Because I can still close my eyes and remember his soft warm skin against my face.
40. For Living in This beautiful country
41. Because "WE ARE NOT HOME YET"; I can only imagine...
42. Elijah, Josiah, Kayla & Steve

I'M SO SORRY (Please Forgive My Behavior)

I need to Apologize for my tantrum on the last post. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL SUPPORT TO ME. I just let everything overwhelm me. BUT YOU, my blog land family have been so wonderful and supportive to me. I'm SO SORRY FOR THE LITTLE OUTBURST... I know EVERYONE is in financial situations and that i'm not the only one going through stresses of life. Not getting a job is so trivial. I hope you all forgive me.
SORRY
marie

Another low on the Roller Coaster Ride...

(nothing as awful as what we have already lost) But when you've been losing and losing and the answer continues and continues to be no & yet knowing HE has a plan, but you just don't see it... UGGgggHHHH!!! I just wanna scream!! I got the call from the interview; I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UuuuuuuugggGGgggGgggggggggHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
I KNOW - GOD!
I KNOW.
BUT THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS DOESN'T JUST FALL ONTO OUR PORCH!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
BILLS
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
OH MY GOODNESS!!! HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
NEVER MIND!!
I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)

ROLLER COASTER DAY

Well the day started out quite well. I was up way before the kids and enjoyed some "alone"" time with Jesus!! Steve & I got to have a nice quiet time together. We got the kids off to school and Steve & I had a "secret" plan to go to Michael's craft store this morning... (we had not mentioned it to anyone because some how if you tell people things just don't turn out). Elijah's 3 month heaven day is just around the corner and we were getting pretty anxious to get some new stuff for our "Garden Of Hope" (Elijah's Memorial Garden - In Our Back Yard). Also needing some new stuff for the cemetery. So off we went to Michael's. At times we were together and at times we'd wander off to our own area of the store. [I MUST ADMIT IT SURE WAS NICE TO SHOP LEISURELY WITHOUT KIDS]

So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"

My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.

As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.

I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.

We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.

So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS

We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.

I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)

Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.

Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~

KIDS! KIDS! KIDS!

Well Steve decided he & Josiah needed some "guy time" today. So even though Kayla & I tried pouting in the way home from church this morning and I tried convincing him of "family time" he drove into our driveway to drop us off. As Kayla & I got off the car very quiet, Josiah & Daddy were chanting "BOYS!... BOYS!... BOYS!" Josiah had the biggest smile. Daddy & him were going to a wholesale tool store(he's not even 3 yet & already he loves tools!). Kayla & I tried one last attempt at throwing a big pouty face as they drove out onto the street... are you kidding they were cheering so loud they didn't even notice our faces.

Kayla & I came into the house and changed into our "comfies" & got started on lunch (carne asda burritos). After chopping the lettuce, tomatoes & shredding the cheese I asked Kayla to pick out her clothes from the laundry baskets in the living room. I told her to take hers & her brothers out and fold them. I was in the kitchen cooking the meat and could here her singing her little heart out! After a while I noticed she wasn't singing and was too quiet (even for a 10 yr. old). I walk over to take a peak and she was tyring on one of my *nighties* from the baskets. For a split second I thought of calling her name then realized I would startle her. I went back to cooking the meat, about 7 minutes later the house phone rang. She squealed out "I GOT IT!!" then said, "MOM, IT'S DADDY" (in a very high pitch tone). I came to the phone and spoke with Steve for about 1 minute and as soon as I hung up the phone she asked, "WHAT? WHAT MOM WHAT DID DADDY WANT?" I told her that Josiah had fallen asleep as soon as they got to the freeway and that they were turning back. She ran into the living room and said, "I better hurry with the clothes". Not even 10 seconds later she comes into the kitchen squealing,"momma I better put this (my *nightie*) in your drawer - daddy's almost coming and how embarrassing, if he saw it!" (I almost think she was blushing). "Okay sweetie" , I replied and she darted out of the kitchen saying, "your welcome mom - you would have been embarrassed huh?"
That was too cute her sweet innocense and just as she walked out of my bedroom, Steve walked in with Josiah over his shoulder fast asleep... ... ... so much for a boy's trip to the tool store!!!

Kid