Forward

I was visiting a blog and was reading of a grandma's heart & how she was missing her angel grand-baby in heaven. This baby would be 2 and 1/2 (right Becky?) Just like my Josiah.
These words came to me as I sat at my computer bowing to say a prayer of comfort & peace for this family.
So I shared with Becky but thought it would be nice to share with you all too!

"As the days move forward, the memories grow deeper & stronger roots in my heart - Never forget you little one..."
I DEDICATE THESE WORDS TO ALL OF OUR ~Little Ones~

We all are moving forward with the heavy hearted days & the memories that bring us joy & healthy tears of love.

Forward has become some what of a bitter sweet. I sat out side in the memorial garden last evening as the sun was setting. I went out to hang some laundry on the line. We are expecting our 1st rain this fall tomorrow. I looked up at the grey cloudy sky. Rain clouds and a warm breeze hovering over and a bright orange sunsetting.

My tears began to roll down my face.
Hanging Josiah's shirts, I remembered his 1st rain. He was born on December 27th and it was storming real bad that year. I remember when we got home holding my tiny little baby boy (4 lbs. - 17 inches) in my arms and standing in front of the window and telling him "rain - see the rain? that's rain. Jesus makes the rain" (he was 4 days old) He had no idea what I was saying. I was just being a mommy! Doing my job teaching my baby. Telling him things about this new world he now lived in.

I finished hanging Josiah's clothes and when I started back up the side walk to my back door, the breeze blew and my attention was drawn to Elijah's Garden. A hanging bell [thingy] that Steve just bought last week began to chime in the breeze. My face covered in tears---
I sighed "OH ELIJAH YOUR NOT GOING TO BE IN MY ARMS FRIDAY FOR OUR FIRST RAIN, SWEET BOY" *still crying now*

I sat out there till the sun went down and the back lights turned on. Steve came out first not too long after we had both been sitting there Josiah joined us. We sat there together watching Josiah run and play in his brother's memorial garden. He talks to him and blows bubble for him and sometimes it hurts so bad to see him look up in the sky and say, "for you Lijah - For you - catch it brother"(throwing a toy or a ball or blowing the bubbles up in the sky) After a while when he gets bored he'll say , "lijah no listen to me mom - he no play with me". I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY , so many times I don't say anything. Thank God that most of the time he doesn't wait for an answer. i have figured that's just his way of closing the 'moment' because right after he says that, he begins to play something else. * not crying any more* ;}
I wish he had a brother or sister to play with [Kayla isn't here all the time].
I know it is perfectly okay for him to have imaginary friends [his is Mathew] Mathew is actually a friend from his first day care but he always pretends Matthew is here with him.
Matthew has just recently become "MATT". I heard Josiah arguing [yes - he argues with him. he also tattles on 'matt' when he ' josiah' drops something] he said, "Matt you better move off! move right now! MY shooooooooooooooooe! I walked into his room and his shoe was stuck under his bed's foot board. He was pulling and pulling [he had no idea I was now standing behind him] I said whats wrong and he said [face mad red] Matt won't let me my shooooo lone for be late to school" I said, "oh your shoe is stuck?" he said, "no matt" I said," okay let me get it for you" so I got his shoe and as he strapped it on he said "no do that no more matt, not nice for make me late for school" and walked out into the living room[face still red].

That just makes me feel a little sad for him. Not having a little play partner, having to make believe one up! silly little guy :)

"ALSO HERE IS A SPECIAL HELLO TO OUR FOLLOWERS,
Rebekah, Melissa, LoreleAmi, MrsRubly, Siscaboo & Jessi!!" (WE GOT 6 now!!!)
YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY !!!

A few things to mention

# 1 I absolutly love blogging! and I have been piddling around on my dashboard and stuff like that to try to figure this all out, cause when I... I mean when my nephew Jared set it up for me I was jsut happy to be able to communicate back and forth about our journey with Elijah. I know I was off of blogging for about a month or so & now that I'm back.... .... It's like blog land went through a "ccolness revolution" and I missed it!!!!!!!!! [can you see me pouting? my bottom lip is dragging so low If I stand up I might trip on my lower lip] ;(
Sooooooooooooooo all you SSsssssssssssweeeeeeeeeeeeeeaties,
T E L L M E!! (WHINING!!!)(i want a cute blog too!!)

#2 Did you see that I did manage to add "followers" I'm so good at this stuff! RIGHT??!!!
WRONG but thanks to my new followers that was pretty neat to see that - took me a while to figure out what it meant; (funny confession I never told to any one before now) when I logged on one night and read 1 FOLLOWER
it was like 2 a.m and I was alone in the kitchen and I got all scared and got up to close the blinds over the sink which is directly behind my desk and then logged off and darted across the dining room, ran through the living room straight to my room and jumped into bed real fast! (I'M NOT KIDDING) I hugged Steve real tight but he was fast asleep!!
My heart was kinda pounding and I thought (some protection he is when my computer just announced I have 1 follower).
I AM SO NOT KIDDING and if my brothers and sisters and mom & Cindy & her son Chris and my nephews ROQUE, KITO & JARED & My COUSIN BERNICE were bloggers & read this they'd be BUSTING UP LAUGHING saying "YUP- she's not kidding" AND POSTING MORE RIDICULOUS STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! so glad they don't blog :)

THING'S I AM THANKFUL FOR...

1. The Word Of God
2. God's Mercy
3. His Love
4. Being His daughter
5. His comfort
6. His strength
7. My wonderful gift from God; My hubby
8. Being a Mom
9. Being a wife
10. Having a mom
11. Having sisters
12. Having brothers
13. For Food to Eat
14. For Time to snuggle at nap time with Josiah
15. For God reminding me of ALL HE has blessed me with
16. For the love of a beautiful daughter (Kayla)
17. For having 5 wonderful nephews
18. For My Salvation & Daily walk with Jesus Christ
19. For the ladies ("my girls") @ Tuesday Night Prayer
20. For my church family
21. For my blog family :)
22. For the privilege of giving birth to two precious boys! (Josiah & Elijah)
23. For the heartbreaking trials in life that make me love Jesus more!
24. For ears with which I can hear my Josiah sing worship (gotta post a video of that..)
25. For Love
26. For Forgiveness
27. For EVERY BUMP IN THE ROAD; because I walk closer to God
28. For falling; because He lifts me up
29. For Hope that never dies!
30. For MY SOON COMING KING!
31. For memories; treasured memories
32. For blessings which I cannot see!
33. For FAITH
34. For GOD ALMIGHTY, ALL HE IS, ALL HE HAS DONE & ALL HE WILL DO!
35. For Rest
36. For all the love that surrounds me
37. Because I held Elijah for 25 hours and 30 minutes
38. Because I heard him grunt a few cries
39. Because I can still close my eyes and remember his soft warm skin against my face.
40. For Living in This beautiful country
41. Because "WE ARE NOT HOME YET"; I can only imagine...
42. Elijah, Josiah, Kayla & Steve

I'M SO SORRY (Please Forgive My Behavior)

I need to Apologize for my tantrum on the last post. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL SUPPORT TO ME. I just let everything overwhelm me. BUT YOU, my blog land family have been so wonderful and supportive to me. I'm SO SORRY FOR THE LITTLE OUTBURST... I know EVERYONE is in financial situations and that i'm not the only one going through stresses of life. Not getting a job is so trivial. I hope you all forgive me.
SORRY
marie

Another low on the Roller Coaster Ride...

(nothing as awful as what we have already lost) But when you've been losing and losing and the answer continues and continues to be no & yet knowing HE has a plan, but you just don't see it... UGGgggHHHH!!! I just wanna scream!! I got the call from the interview; I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UuuuuuuugggGGgggGgggggggggHHHHHhhhhhhhh!!!
(CRYING - again)
How are we supposed to make it financially?!?!? HOW??!?!?!
I KNOW - GOD!
I KNOW.
BUT THE MONEY TO PAY BILLS DOESN'T JUST FALL ONTO OUR PORCH!
You know ALL the OTHER STUFF I was talking about... The stress...
BILLS
WE LOST OUR CAR (REPO) (YES I KNOW SHOWS BAD STEWARDSHIP - IRRISPONSIBILITY & whatever else) FOR BEING LATE DURING THE MONTHS OF JULY & AUGUST (lost it on 8-15-08) need $ for rent which is due in like three days.(the landlord is being so good & patient but what are we gonna do?!?!?!?!
We get public assistance but as soon as I delivered Elijah and turned in his death & birth certificates [they/state] reduced our monthly income by $200.00 the letter stated,
REASON FOR CHANGE IN INCOME: End of Pregnancy & Death of Newborn (thank you)
SO I've been out like a mad woman looking for a job going on interviews (waisting gas)
OH MY GOODNESS!!! HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?
No not when you see it with the picture of the cross behind it! (Right?)
THIS is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me!
Oh Lord please help me to trust you!!
I guess I can forget about Steve getting to golf and not to mention... Oh never mind!!!!
NEVER MIND!!
I'M JUST GONNA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW!!!!!
(still crying) no (sobbing)

ROLLER COASTER DAY

Well the day started out quite well. I was up way before the kids and enjoyed some "alone"" time with Jesus!! Steve & I got to have a nice quiet time together. We got the kids off to school and Steve & I had a "secret" plan to go to Michael's craft store this morning... (we had not mentioned it to anyone because some how if you tell people things just don't turn out). Elijah's 3 month heaven day is just around the corner and we were getting pretty anxious to get some new stuff for our "Garden Of Hope" (Elijah's Memorial Garden - In Our Back Yard). Also needing some new stuff for the cemetery. So off we went to Michael's. At times we were together and at times we'd wander off to our own area of the store. [I MUST ADMIT IT SURE WAS NICE TO SHOP LEISURELY WITHOUT KIDS]

So we looked through the scrap booking area together and then the framing area, then the wood craft area, then we separated... I'm not sure where Steve went but I was looking at the beads and stuff like that, when following the isle out I stumbled across all the "BEAUTIFUL CLEAR BLUE GLASS BEADED CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, HUGE HANDMADE BEAUTIFUL ONES"

My tears just rolled down my cheeks without warning and there was no holding them back. My heart started pounding and stood there in front of the ornaments... CRYING... thinking... longing... hurting... I began to sob quietly. I couldn't hold it in. My hand down at my side sobbing quietly (alone). 1 - 2 then 3 shopping carts came and passed me from behind. I couldn't move. Then I reached up with my right hand and touched a sky blue colored glass beaded ornament heart with a smaller clear glass heart in the center. Oh it was just beautiful. The inner clear glass beaded heart was pure, clear, transparent, precious; like My Elijah and the bigger outer blue heart; like mine - transparent blue, with a cloudy hue to it yet some how it glistened; just Like I do - with HOPE.

As I tried wiping my wet face I saw Steve coming towards me and a woman right behind him pushing a cart. Just as he passed me letting the woman pass us both he held my arm tightly in his and I leaned into his ear and sobbingly whispered, " Christma Chris Christmas iii is going to be so hard". He said, "I KNOW" I could hear the pain in his voice.

I can't say how we moved away from the ornaments but we did. We were actually able to finish our shopping and were blessed with some really inexpensive stuff. We got a 3 planter arch and three plants(yellow mums), a garden stand & flag (the most adorable little thing ever), and we also got some painted wooden baby plaques to put on his floating heart at the cemetery oh and some new blue ribbon to wrap the heart in.

We left the store and headed for home. BUT just before leaving the store my cell phone rang it was Beth, her and mom & Tony were at Mommy & Me and on their way to Babies R Us to buy last minute stuff before Moriah makes her debut.

So on our way home. I was happy with what we bought for Elijah (I say for Elijah but it's not for him - it's for us to soothe us, he is not lacking or in want of anything - he knows only happiness & perfection in heaven & I am glad for that) BUT IT JUST HURTS

We got home and my brother and his girlfriend were on their way to our house for lunch. I got in and started making lunch (chile verde). Steve put up Elijah's flag and the planter with the yellow mums. Then it was time to go get Josiah so before leaving Steve brought in our mail -
A greeting card all the way from Jacksonville, IL! (one of our blog visitors) WOW!!! How super special! Thanks :) K!!!! what a kind gesture! also in the mail today were to pieces of mail from Hinds Hospice-Angel Babies, the grief support group in our area One an invitation to the Time To Remember Ceremony and the other our 1st news letter, in the news letter an announcement for a golf tournament for Angel Babies - JUST WHAT I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR, something for Steve... someway to connect to other Dad's who have had to not only bury a child but then deal with his own emotions while trying to be a rock for me to lean on. I AM SO EXCITED!!! (it is a bit on the expensive side $125.00, but I want to try real hard to get it together for him to go!!) HE NOT ONLY NEEDS IT BUT HE SURE DOES DESERVE IT TOO!!! I'm gonna have some yard sales or something to try to get the money together real soon here! Steve had tried so hard to put together a golf tournament In honor of Elijah when we were trying to raise money for the funeral but because of the lack of time and all our dr. appointments he wasn't able to but he loves golf and this organization has been such a huge support so please pray I can get creative enough to make the $125.00 real quick.
I was excited and happy for what we got in the mail but at the same time I was sad a bit because I was thinking that Beth , Mom & Tony were out (all excited shopping for Moriah) So I couldn't call and tell them about the mail we received or my emotional time at Michael's or how hopeful I am to send Steve to the golf tournament.

I called Minn at work (thank goodness she was on her lunch and had a minute to hear me ramble on) then I called Cindy & did the same(rambled on & on real quick about everything)
She gave me another idea we can do for Elijah during Christmas (THANKS!)

Jonathan & Olivia came we had a nice lunch and a wonderful visit. We spent time in our back yard in Elijah's Garden and had a wonderful time talking (just the 4 of us Josiah was napping).
Then we came back in and sat in the living room and visited for another hour or so and then they left.

Josiah is fighting a cold so he has been taking longer naps poor little guy - his nose is raw from the Kleenex.
THAT WAS MY ROLLER COASTER DAY!!
~Oh please pray for & visit Noah's blogs on my side bar precious baby boy ~

KIDS! KIDS! KIDS!

Well Steve decided he & Josiah needed some "guy time" today. So even though Kayla & I tried pouting in the way home from church this morning and I tried convincing him of "family time" he drove into our driveway to drop us off. As Kayla & I got off the car very quiet, Josiah & Daddy were chanting "BOYS!... BOYS!... BOYS!" Josiah had the biggest smile. Daddy & him were going to a wholesale tool store(he's not even 3 yet & already he loves tools!). Kayla & I tried one last attempt at throwing a big pouty face as they drove out onto the street... are you kidding they were cheering so loud they didn't even notice our faces.

Kayla & I came into the house and changed into our "comfies" & got started on lunch (carne asda burritos). After chopping the lettuce, tomatoes & shredding the cheese I asked Kayla to pick out her clothes from the laundry baskets in the living room. I told her to take hers & her brothers out and fold them. I was in the kitchen cooking the meat and could here her singing her little heart out! After a while I noticed she wasn't singing and was too quiet (even for a 10 yr. old). I walk over to take a peak and she was tyring on one of my *nighties* from the baskets. For a split second I thought of calling her name then realized I would startle her. I went back to cooking the meat, about 7 minutes later the house phone rang. She squealed out "I GOT IT!!" then said, "MOM, IT'S DADDY" (in a very high pitch tone). I came to the phone and spoke with Steve for about 1 minute and as soon as I hung up the phone she asked, "WHAT? WHAT MOM WHAT DID DADDY WANT?" I told her that Josiah had fallen asleep as soon as they got to the freeway and that they were turning back. She ran into the living room and said, "I better hurry with the clothes". Not even 10 seconds later she comes into the kitchen squealing,"momma I better put this (my *nightie*) in your drawer - daddy's almost coming and how embarrassing, if he saw it!" (I almost think she was blushing). "Okay sweetie" , I replied and she darted out of the kitchen saying, "your welcome mom - you would have been embarrassed huh?"
That was too cute her sweet innocense and just as she walked out of my bedroom, Steve walked in with Josiah over his shoulder fast asleep... ... ... so much for a boy's trip to the tool store!!!

Kid

Anxiety & Panic ... ... ... IS IT NORMAL?

I have been fighting these overwhelming surges of anxiety. They come just all of the sudden without warning. It will hit me just like that - even when it seems like a good day. I even experience them while with people like "us" at home, at church or church functions. It is so weird. I can't explain it exactly but it feels like way deep in the middle of my chest like I can't breath. REAL, REAL BAD!!! I try to not think of the feelings or to focus on them(feelings) to much I try hard to think of something else, but I just can't stop the feeling.

Verna (Noah's grandma) asked...
No - our Dr. never told us that his 'cele would be hard.
Elijah's 'cele was just like a "soggy water balloon".
We made hats for him but they did not fit him.
Joshua's mommy Susie also made one for Elijah but it was small also.
Elijah's was very, very large and in a very different shape than the pictures we saw of Joshua.
I was told by our dr. that 'most' encephalocele or anencephalocele babies don't come early because their brains don't "tell" them when its 'time' to come and that many 'cele babies can go longer than the 40 weeks (JUST WHAT WE WERE TOLD - but don't hesitate to ask the dr.)
I think it is good to get information and read up on as much as you can or feel you want to but no matter how well prepared we tried to be there were still things we had not thought of or expected. I still find my self wondering about certain things that happened at Elijah's birth. I've asked Susie(be strong and courageous blog) a lot of questions. Still ask her and both our boys are in heaven already. She has been a HUGE blessing in this journey. I encourage you to keep asking questions. I am more than glad to share with you & Jolene. I posted to her tonight too! I hope she feels comfortable enough to reach out to me. I'd love to talk with her and give her any answers about this that I possibly can(don't know it all). As you can see I'm still a wreak. Like I said I still ask Susie stuff... I think its part of the dissatisfaction of not knowing the "whys".

ANXIETY & PANIC still lingering UgggGggHhhhhhh!
hate this feeling!! hate it!! keep trying to shake it - to think of something else...

The kids are both good. Steve too. Kayla at sleep over and Josiah already sleeping. Steve is watching the news.

I really honestly wonder if any of you other mommies went through this kind of panic and anxiety? this is something awful to battle. Like I'm desperate for something... to do something... or for some information... something to happen? WEIRD!!!!! I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I LOSING IT? feels like I am losing it - like I can't breath like this deep need inside to run. this is weird.
I BETTER GO find somthing to do

"BEST FRIEND"

Just now as we were tucking Josiah into bed. After daddy had walked out of the room; I was getting dirty clothes out of his closet for laundry. Steve had once again - like EVERY other night been the hero and found "monie"(binki) for bed time. (Yes! "monie" is still around only now that Josiah is a BIG boy for preschool and goes pee-pee in the toilet like BIG boys, "monie" is just there for night -night. CUZ BIG BOY'S 'like cool cousin Roque' DON'T HAVE "monie's")

So every night even though "monie is supposed to stay on his pillow & wait for him! Some how as Josiah pulls down his comforter to jump into bed or sometime after bath time between prayers and lights out "monie" get's lost ALMOST every night! BUT thanks to "Daddy" bedtime is saved cuz "monie" is found and tucked in with Josiah!

So tonight when Steve walked out of the room I said, "Josiah, who has the best daddy?" Josiah replies in a very confident matter- of -fact[loud] voice, "ME!" and just as I took my first step out of his room he pulls "monie" out of his mouth and procliams [even louder] "HIM MY BEST FRIEND, MOMMY!!" I looked back at my baby boy, smiled at him and said, "Yes, baby daddy is your best friend!" Daddy calls from the dining table, "your my best friend too!" Josiah pulls out "monie once more and says,[in a sleepy quiet voice] "forever!"

... ... ... MOMENT'S TO TREASURE

i thank You Lord for moments like these!!!!!!

Special Gifts...

This past weekend we were surprised with a special gift from some very dear friends. People who I grew up with in church and who mentored my christian walk as a young lady. We no longer attend church together however they still remain very dear to my heart. We do not keep in close contact any more like we used to but they knew of Elijah's condition and had been in contact with me through email, offering prayers of comfort and strength as we went through our pregnancy hoping God would change the outcome of Elijah's condition. When Elijah went home to be with Jesus I thought of Rosa & Don"Chano" while I was at the hospital but with my whirlwind of emotions didn't have the strength or emotional energy to call them. They were at Elijah's " life celebration services" and I can't say that I was surprised. I knew I could count on them to be there; faithful friends! (their 2 sons and families also came). It was such a gift of comfort to have them there at such a time in my life.

Well this past weekend my phone rang... a number I did not recognize appeared. I answered and the person on the other end of the line was Don "chano" although it took me a few seconds to recognize his voice, after a few wise cracks(as usual) I knew who he was!
He was calling to tell me that they were in town and had something special I would be very interested in seeing. I gave them directions to our house and within just a few minutes they were here!! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE!!!

That wasn't the best part when Rosa & Chano walked in he held a fairly large envelope in his hand and when we asked them to take a seat, he said, "you might want to stand while you open this" for a tiny little bitty second I got scared it was something to do with the "funeral home incident"(blogged days past) BUT IT WASN'T... ... To our surprise he opened the envelope with such tenderness and care and there it was - A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE OF ART!!! He had a picture of Elijah professionally drawn for us!!! Oh what a treasure!!!!!

Steve and I were practically speechless! I hugged them both - several times I think!!!

It was such a precious and priceless gift; not only the portrait of Elijah but the fact that our baby is not forgotten!!

We are so blessed to have such treasures in the friendships Christ has given us!!!
I encourage you today to reach out to tell someone the gift they are in your life!!! & I will do the same :)
HAVE A SPECIAL DAY!!!

MY HUBBY IS GRIEVING... ... WE NEED PRAYER

I am not sure exactly what to say, what to do or how other daddy's handle this sort of loss. It is so different than us women. We "blog" we reach out. We talk, cry, express. Steve, like I mentioned before has been suffering insomnia- well now he seems to be sleeping a little tiny bit more. I think I forgot to mention that he hurt his back at work. He is home on disability (just what a man needs right? time on his hands/ too much I think - well actually I don't know for sure but I know that now on top of all this stuff we have been going through struggling just to live, pay bills and move forward for our kids and for each other too. Him being at home makes me wonder? is it too much time to think of what we need, of what we lost, what we don't have and all that stuff. I mean there is stuff that has happened like the funeral home incident and about three other major stresses in our life since we said goodbye to our baby. IT HAS TO BE WEIGHING DOWN ON HIM!! IT JUST HAS TO BE!!! He is always so strong for ME, always considerate of my feelings. Sunday afternoon he came home and rested for the entire after noon and when it came time to go to evening service he had a terrible earache and stayed home. We got home and he tucked the kids into bed with me. We even read to them all together. This morning we took Kayla to school then drove back and took Josiah. When we got home Steve told me that last night when he stayed home he read the blog - he said he just broke into tears. HE told me how much he misses Elijah and how often he thinks of him. We held each other and I was strong for him. I told him I was glad that he shared his feelings with me. He told me he doesn't want to make it harder for me because he knows our loss is the same but deeper because I carried Elijah. I think he was afraid I was not going to understand what he was telling me because he kept trying to explain it... BUT I DO GET IT! I just feel so helpless for him. HE is so stressed with our finances!!! PLEASE just help me pray for him to LEAN ON JESUS. Well I know he is because whenever he is up in the middle of the night he is either reading his bible, writing or on the computer and I was looking in the recycle bin for a picture I thought I had tossed and found all sorts of CHRISTIAN OUTREACH & GROWTH SERIES SIGHTS AND other readings like that. When i saw that just now tears just rolled down my face. Steve is such a wonderful man. Since he came to the Lord he has basically lost all his old friends and right now to be quite frank he hasn't really build strong new ones! I mean there are a few men at church - but not real strong connections so I guess that's why it just broke my heart to see him seeking growth and strength on his own. PLEASE JUST HELP ME PRAY FOR MY SWEETIE!! and for me to get this job too also if Steve is released back to work he is going to apply for a job in town working early mornings which is just what we need for our schedule as a family. GOD knows ALL just help us in praying for us to get through this tough time right now!!! I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS!!! & I TRUST GOD IS ABLE!! HE KNOWS BEST!
Jer. 29:11... ...we are so ready to see it happen for us!!!!

My Elijah's "Smartboy Pictures"

Kayla "blogging for 1st time!"

hellow everybody i'm elijah's sister yesterday we pianted a the trolly well... today we built it and then grandma made lunch..mmmmm it was so good i ate 3 plates of rice and then i got fool we had sooo much fun

ITS ME MADDIE "having fun"

hi every one i am elijahs cousin

today me and kayla finished the trolly ......BUT josiah fell and ripd it but it was fun!

MORE PICTURES "Relaxing Saturday"

It's a nice relaxing Saturday

We have been having a yard-sale all weekend (since Thursday). Steve & my mom just love getting together to yardsale!! Me not so much... BUT THEM OH MY GOODNESS LIKE TWO KIDS IN A CANDY STORE!!!

We have been having glorious california coastal weather!! gotta love it! It is fresh and breezy. Living in the Central San Joauquin Valley(3 hours away from the coast) we don't always get this fresh treat but this is just so lovely!!! We are enjoying it to the fullest!!! Here are some pictures of the kids. Last night was the sleep over. All 3 of them played together building a cardboard trolly(their own invention) they painted (yeah a 2 year old and 2 10 year olds alone with multi-color tempra paint) they created a "beautiful masterpiece" oh and the cardboard trolly came out really good too!!!! My bathroom got re-painted too!!! YUP! MY BATHROOM!! They all 3 went into the bathroom to "CLEAN UP" before dinner and thus - my re-painted bathroom sink, cabinets, oh and did I mention I got a fresh coat of "tempra" floor covering?!?!?! YUP!! and just think ladies all that and it did'nt cost me a red cent!!! Hee! Hee! Hee! (whats really crazy is that I didn't lose it when I walked into the bathroom to see my remodel!!!) THEY had a great time and thats whats important.

TGIF!!!

Well It's Friday!!! YIPPY!!! Steve is on his way back from picking up Kayla for the weekend :) can't wait... I missed her!!! she does'nt know that I rearranged her room and put in a new throw rug for her!!! She also has no clue that her daddy is stopping by uncle Ben's to bring Maddie over for a sleep over!!! Josiah is still napping.

2 year old - Too Funny !!!!!

Just got back from bible study.... .... Can't go to bed with out blogging this hilarious little story!!!
i hope you can appreciate the humor and not find it offensive -
church is dismissed and Josiah runs out of class and jumps straight into daddy's arms. They walk straight to the punch container to "need a drink", Josiah says. I'm standing there and Teacher Stacie pulls me close to her and asks (politely), "did you teach Josiah about labor?" "No", I said. and she whisperers trying to keep a straight face as she tells me, "oh because we were all playing ball in class and all of the sudden Josiah darts across the room and says ' I no feel good, I sick, non feel good' Stacie says I asked him whats wrong Josiah as he hops into the bouncer that's in the nursery and says, "my water broke!" Stacie asked him your what? and he said my water broke"
Stacie said she had to do all she could not to bust out laughing!!!

DID I MENTION THIS 2 YEAR OLD BOY WASN'T EVEN AT HOME WHEN MY WATER BROKE?!?!?!? him & Kayla were at Ben & Minn's for dinner (my family had decided that since it was so close to my due date they would give Steve & I an evening alone before Elijah was born and that is when my water broke. SO of course I called my sisters house to tell them it was "time" and they said they all started running around saying Marie's water broke, Marie's water broke!")

So even if he wasn't there with me to see it happen he heard of it and played it out!!!!! way too funny!!
Kinda embarrassing too!!!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

That is how we get through a day... IF it is a good day taking these steps is easy if it is a hard day then putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do to do what we do. It was so nice to here from Susie the other day :) I do get weird thoughts!!! I have a lot of panic and anxiety attacks. The anxiety is just awful! I have noticed I'm not as raging mad these days - It feels so good for the presence and peace of the Almighty God to be OUR SOURCE AND STRENGTH. Most of all it is good to feel His unwavering love and mercy - through it all!

I think I have mentioned before "I'M DESPERATELY looking for a job again!!!! PLEASE PUT THAT ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS TO PRAY FOR ME FOR OKAY!!! appreciate it and know God is able!!!

Josiah is napping right now. He is such a big boy!! he gets home from christian preschool and goes straight to his room and puts up his "piderman backpack" then walks into the bathroom and goes "peeps" (pee) like a big boy standing in front of the toilet TOO CUTE!! then he comes and sits on the couch or at the table and says"lets talk about it momma" I will say "okay, baby how was your day?" and usually his face is full of whatever they served at school as he looks at me and says, "I had a good day for being a big boy momma, I'm big like daddy!!"

Steve has been dealing with a bad case of insomnia (please pray). he hasn't been able to sleep for about 4-5 days. My mom is worried about him. Me too! I woke up at 3 this morning and found him writing in his journal, when he saw that I was awake he asked if I wanted to read what he was writing - It was about Elijah. About his thoughts that he was having the morning of Elijah's burial. He wrote about thoughts he had never shared with me... of how as he looked at Elijah in the white "special crib"(that's what we told Josiah it was called). His thought and feelings of how he would never see Elijah running or giggling. He wrote so many things he hadn't even expressed to me. He is really dealing with all the emotions now.

Right now Steve outside in our back yard. Working in Elijah's Memorial Garden. I'm gonna have to post some pictures of the beautiful bench my brother in law Ben made. He carved Elijah's name in it along with Elijah's verse for his head stone. Psalms 16:11. Ben is Elijah's nino (godparents) and my sister minerva is his nina! Last night Minerva told me that Maddie(her 10yr old) is having a hard time dealing with Elijah's death.... ...

Makes me worry for Kayla - If Maddie is dealing with this imagine Kayla & she isn't always here. I am so worried for her emotional well being - The week after we buried Elijah she left to her moms for two weeks when she came back the first thing she told Steve & I was that her mom told her she was not to ask questions about Elijah, talk about him, or ever even mention his name ever. She told us she was so angry that she started crying and yelling at her mom & the boyfriend and that she wanted to get out of the car so very bad! poor sweet girl. All we can do is pray!!!

Josiah is up from his nap now and outside working in "Lijah's fower garden" with daddy.
I am definitely going to post some of Elijah's "smart-boy" pictures. Except during the move our CD ROM got jammed shut and I cant open it so I'm gonna go to office max to transfer all his pictures from the CD to my flash drive. I will be posting them in the next day or so.

Until next time The Douglas family continues onward one step at a time!
REMEMBER TO KEEP MY JOB IN PRAYER!!!!