When there is pain in the offering...

Today is September 3rd. ALMOST 2 months since our baby went home! WE ARE SO ACHIE and EMPTY. Ive been having dreams of babies and me crying and last night I dram we were in a church and a little boy dressed in a suit came up to me and gave me a book and told me that Elijah is okay. For some reason in my dream I was so angry because this little boy came and I was mad that I didn't have Elijah... WHO KNOWS WHAT OR DREAMS MEAN ?!?!?! wierd huh

I AM BUSY LOOKING FOR A JOB AND JOSAIH IS IN CHRISTIAN PRESCHOOL. STEVE IS WORKING & KAYLA IS BACK IN SCHOOL!!!

thanks for all the comments and prayers which are so uplifting.

Our Angel Was Laid to Rest

Our little angel was laid to rest on July 16th. He will forever sing in heaven's choir.

First, I want to thank you for all your love and support these past few weeks have been so hard!

I want to share a very small video clip that the Angel Babies photographer made for us. More pictures will come up soon.

Please keep us in your prayers now that all  the formalities are over. The REAL grieving process begins.

I wrote a very small piece as opening words and mentioned all the little Angel Babies who greeted Elijah as he walked through Heaven's gates.

My heart is now with all you empty cradled mommies as we sleep with no more kicking in our bellies.

More later.

Prepared Speech For the Funeral

Steve & I would like to welcome you all here. We are so blessed to be surrounded by all of your heartfelt wishes, prayers, and words of encouragement. This service is in honor and celebration of the life we have been so privileged to nurture and carry:
OUR SON ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS
As Elijah’s parents we invite you to join us as we bless the Lord for all He has done.

This service is no ordinary funeral service. Tonight we ask that you join us as we Worship God for His Excellent Gift: Our Precious Elijah.

On Sunday May 18th, 2008 as we were in worship service, My heart was broken at the thought that my Elijah, who, at the time, was patting and kicking during worship, would not be with me forever; My heart was filled with a serene yet rushing wave of peace As I listened to the worship song which said “HOLY, HOLY IS HE, WORTHY IS THE LAMB” I felt the Lord speak to my heart and say “ JUST AS A DEER PANTS FOR WATER AND YOUR SOUL LONGS FOR ME SO IT IS WITH ELIJAH FROM THE VERY FIRST BEAT OF HIS HEART HE HAS LONGED TO WORSHIP ME- WHEN I TAKE HIM HOME HE WILL BE WORSHIPING AT MY FEET AS YOU LONG TO DO ALSO” in that very moment as the worship played I rejoiced with gladness at the thought that every time I worship and sing to My Lord and Savior I will be joined with my baby boy and in those very moments we will be worshiping together.

Along this painful path we were blessed to meet friends who we bonded with through the internet whom had also been chosen to embark on this long road of loving our little ones through the pain of knowing all too soon their names would be called on Heavens Nursery Roll.

Please join with us as we sing these few worship songs together with Elijah,
Baby Asher + Isaac, Baby Jacob + Baby Joshua, Baby Eva.

Say hello to little baby Elijah. Unfortunatly for us he went home to be with the lord. If you are in the area and wish to attend his funeral services, we apreciate your support. God bless.

Services are as followes: Tuesday night at the Fowler Baptist Church at 7:00 pm.
Wednesday Morning the burial will be at the Parlier Cemetary at 11:Am.

Elijah is with Jesus

Elijah went home to be with our Lord and Savior at 3:49 this morning. Mom and Dad are doing well and will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Please continue your prayers. We will update with more information tomorrow.

Elijah is born!

Elijah Nathaniel Douglas was born on July 9, 2008, at 2:11 a.m. He is 19 1/2 inches long and weighs 7 lbs. He is doing fine.

Marie and Elijah

Marie is fine, but is having some complications, so she is going to have a C-Section shortly.

We're on our way!

Marie's at the hospital having the baby!

Update on Marie and Steve

Hi, my name is Cindy, I'm Marie's best friend, she wanted me to update everyone on what's been going on lately and thank everyone who has been faithful in praying for them.

No internet yet, but Praise be to God! They have been in their new home for about a week! God is faithful! Their new home is just blocks away from Steve's job. It was truly a God thing! And as you can imagine they have been busy getting things situated before Elijah arrives. They have felt every one's prayers and have a tremendous peace in their new home. Josiah also is so comfortable that several times in getting ready to go out, he has started saying that he wants to stay in his new home and once, when they returned he started kissing the fence so glad to be home! :)

She has been packed and ready to go to the hospital for the past two or three weeks. But unfortunately her body is not yet ready to deliver. But as she told me the other day, our days are ordained by God, HE knows the hour and day of our birth. So until then they will, as always, trust in their Sovereign Lord to see them through these next few days. Allowing His perfect will to be done in their lives.

Please continue to pray for them as the day draws near. She will return to the Dr. on Wednesday. Thanks again for opening your heart to my friend and her family, words cannot describe how your encouraging words and also just for reading and praying has helped them in this time in their life. May God's love and blessing be showered upon you and yours. God Bless.

Today? We're all getting together at their home to barbaque and enjoy the town's fireworks. And again to enjoy every moment Elijah is safe inside mommy :) Happy Fourth of July!

A FEW MORE PIC'S

yesturday after beths baby shower SEE WHY I SAY THT I HAVE EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM CAPACITY :)
one more from last friday

SOME RANDOME PIC'S

May 24th
JUNE 3RD
June 7th

UPDATE!!!

Today is Father's Day! I am able to blog because I'm at Minn's house.(hope her compuer doesn't flake out in the middle of this)
WELL... ... where do I begin? SO LOST FOR WORDS! Still growing a beautiful belly and my boy is still as strong as ever. Steve & I are still struggling with oh so many OTHER ISSUES - housing, finances, and custody stuff! ON TOP OF OUR PRECIOUS PAINFUL BURDEN WE ARE BEARING FOR who knows how much longer! I am as swollen as an exploding marshmellow at a camp fire :) people look at me and no matter what i do to look my best I still get all the glares and looks of pitty and even sometimes disgust. (the make up, leg shaving and toe nail polishing are to no avail!!! Cindy even died my hair for me the other night, Beth or Steve have to rub lotion on my legs now because as Beth put it "my body has reached its maximum capacity L.O.L I say I have exceeded maximum capacity but I guess Elijah has the final say :)

The shower was good - very emotional. MOSTLY CHURCH PEOPLE my two cousins Elva & Ruby came and Elva's girls 2 of them. Of course my sisters and mom. Steve's mom came too. We were so blessed by all the encouraging words. Steve & I spoke and it was a good feeling to be able to talk to everyone.

Going to see Dr. every Tuesday now she says I have about two weeks left(MIXED EMOTIONS) today we went to see my father in law and my mother in law asked if i am ready for it to be over ( I so wanted to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS... NO!!!! but inorder to keep polite I just answered nothing and looked away) It was hard but she tries - I guess.

Yesterday was Beth's baby shower(my brother threw it for her). I ACTUALLY HAD A BLAST!!! never once thought of losing Elijah just enjoyed being together with my three sisters Minn, Beth & Cindy and Beth & I were PREGNANT TOGETHER just like we planned and took lots of pic's (cindy has them) played games and came home exhausted!!!!

We have had two of the roughest weeks since we started this journey - very extremely painful and stressful. BUT YESTERDAY on our way to the shower we stopped by Cindy's moms and was surprised to learn that Elijah got a package from Joshua's family in New Zealand :) A SPECIAL HOMEMADE KNIT HAT :) loved it so much thanks Susie!!

Still praying for Jacobs family knowing we too will soon be in their boat

So much more to say about Elijah and the latest info we have gotten from the Dr's but I don't want to run the risk that this computer will flake out on me.

PLEASE, PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY WE CONTINUE TO BE IN THE REFINERS FIRE and it doesnt always make sence and we seem to be in a vert thick fog lately PLEASE WE CONTINUE TO NEED YOUR PRAYERS - we need the doors to open for us to get a place to live on our own ... I just dont want my sadness to weigh down on Beths happiness and I can't always bear her happiness at the same time I'm dealing with my sadness PLEASE EVERY ONE PLEASE PRAY!!!

SO MUCH TO SAY SO LITTLE TIME!

Steve & I came to the Library we just miss being able to log and check out who all is visiting us and our sweet angel, who by the way is getting VERY LARGE for mommy's tummy (I can't figure out who is more uncomfortable - me or him). WE ARE STILL WAITING for everything to go through on the apartment. WE have been going through the roughest days hours minutes and seconds of our life's the journey has become at time unbearable. Just barley able to breath at times... this is how I feel and I know Steve is over whelmed to say the least. STILL we wouldn't trade the moments of hearing Elijah's heart beat and seeing him tumble around inside of me. OR the times that Josiah runs up to me or climbs on me just to kiss his brother or to hear him sing his brothers name. When Kayla is home with us hearing her talk to and about him and feeling her overwhelming love pour out all over her brother in my tummy WE WOULD NEVER TRADE ALL THE SORROW AND UNBEARABLE PAIN WE BEAR THESE DAYS.
And as though we were not already under so much pressure from our daily struggles not only the apartment situation,but my father in law suffered a major heart attack and has been in the hospital ICU for about three weeks. I NEED TO GO NOW BUT HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY!!!!! JUST RAN OUT OF TIME ON THIS COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hate not having my own computer at moms house!!!! please pray for us this SAT we will be having Elijah's shower at church and I'm nervous I have pic's to share of my growing baby boy and also pray for Kayla's mom to let her come to the shower

HI ALL!!

I know! I know!! we just seem to have dissapeared for a while but we are not gone! WE STILL ARE IN MUCH NEED OF YOUR SUPPORT LOVE & PRAYERS! We went to our appointment Tuesday and were so very disapointed to find we still don't have "THE MIRACLE " we so desperatley want. We left the office and were silent for most of the 35 minute drive home.
HOME... ... well as things turn out we are still at my moms. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON the people had guarateed us to get the apartment changed their minds and now we are in a bit of a messy situation. I remember once reading Susie's blog and she quoted "why can't we just have one crisis at a time" I so feel like that. I have had so very many questions in my mind latley - I do not doubkt my walk with the Lord I just doublt that I'm doing things right any more. WE READ in the bible that He will never give us more than we can handle... RIGHT NOW I FEEL PRETTY WIEGHED DOWN.

JUST SO YOU KNOW there is no internet service at my moms and in my "FAT, SWOLLEN & still growing condition taking a little trip to the city library to blog is not too high on the list of things I can do right now BUT ALSO I MISS BLOGGING SO VERY BAD! I MISS ALL THE COMMENTS AND JUST BEING ABLE TO communicate. For some reason we feel so good when we are able to blog and see how many hits our precious baby boy's site is getting. I know many of you don't post a comment but just seeing the counter change lifts our spirits. STEVE & I are hoping to order internet service if we end up staying at my moms much longer.

WE DESPERATLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!! The hospital called me this Wednesday and told me to get everything in order. GET THINGS IN ORDER - get things in order to birth and bury my baby boy - who we planned to watch him grow up with his big brother and sister. The baby me & beth were supposed to push in the strollers together and watch meet the mile stones together!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been "losing it" alot latley!!!!! just can't keep the tears from rolling and my emotions are just so raging. I have been very quiet most of the time.

JOSIAH GRADUATED FROM BABY COLLEGE!!

Josiah graduated on Wednesday!! My nephew Josh who made this blog for me is adding the graduation video :)

GOD'S FAITHFULNESS!!

Hi everyone! well first of all Steve & I looked into the laptop and right now $$$$$ is a big issue so we will have to wait a little bit longer :) The unspoken prayer request was about our housing situation... this May we were supposed to sign papers for our house to change from rental to option to buy. HOWEVER AS WE HAVE ALL LEARNED that sometimes life brings things that change the course of our lives as we have them planned it! BUT that's O.K because material things have become so meaningless to us now. "THIS HOUSE" was at one time our dream house BUT now we see that all these "things" are temporal.

SOOOOO.... .... all that said GOD IS SO FAITHFULL on June 1st we should be moving into our new apartment!! IN FOWLER (all the church family, my best friend, my sister and our church and some of our closest friends will all be close by). Right now, we are staying at my moms in order to save a bit on the money.

SURPRISE!!! (sweet times)

Well, I know I said I wasn't gonna post anything for a day or so but... ...

I forgot Beth (josiah calls her Yaya or Yaee) had made a date for her & Josiah to spend the day together today. I had a bit of a melt down in the morning so when I got a call from Yay asking what time Josiah would be available I thought, available? and then I remembered about the "DATE" so Steve & I took him over and they went to Rotary Playland & Storyland "FOR HIS FIRST TIME"!!! He of course had no clue what the place was so we told him its a fun park and he said, "oh church park" meaning the park by the church and we told him no this is a bigger one with rides and lots of fun. Still clueless he got into the car with her and off they drove!!!!!

There are so many more but these are the favorites & all he rode over & over was the cars & lady bugs - she said she couldn't get him on anything else :)

Since Josiah was out on a "DATE" with Yaya Steve decided that my emotions were very frail and that I too would benefit from a "date" so off we went... we went to lunch and a movie! It was such a great thing to be able to get away from everything if even for a few hours. WE laughed and enjoyed eachothers company :) THANKS FOR THE MOMENT BETH!!!!!

Acknowlegements

Remember I asked you all to pray about the fundraiser that was organized by our friends, The Alatorre's (Nicole & Victoria's Parents). Well... THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS! we had a positive response and outpouring of generosity from everyone! I am not exactly sure the totals yet, but I heard from Minn, Cindy & Kito Ben; that the orders just kept coming in!




This fundraiser has made it possible to put a down payment on Elijah's burial plot at Parlier Cemetery; After much thought and consideration Steve & I have chosen to bury him at the same cemetery where Grandma is at (Mom's mom).


A HUGE THANK YOU TO JOE, MARY & FAVORITO RESATURANT IN FOWLER , CA. !!!!


Margie & Roy if you read this blog I gotta tell you how you have lifted my burden & I pray that GOD BLESS & PROSPER YOU IN ALL YOU DO!! I am so touched by the way you & Roy have stepped right into my shoes and decided to walk beside Steve & I. We will never be able to express to you enough, how you have both been an instrument of God's never ending love and strength to us as we face this time in our lives! Thank YOU BOTH!!!

My cousin Sal & National Raisin CO. (his work). Steve & I were so moved when Minn called to tell us that you had collected orders. We appreciate the effort and support we received as we prepare for the bitter sweet arrival of our little angel.

Teacher Megan & All The WONDERFUL TEACHERS at Reedley College Infant School:

Our hearts have been so moved by ALL that you have all done for us. & especially how you have all rallied around my precious Josiah as he too struggles with all the weirdness going on at home, since we found out about Elijah. EACH and every one of you have touched our hearts!


Every One at FOWLER UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT (my old work): There are no words - YOU ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!! Steve & I are so touched by your generosity.


Dr. Verma's Office in Selma - Dr. Verma,Marcie & Antonia & Chuck: Steve & I are so touched by how caring and understanding YOU ALL have been of what we are going through. Your kindness has been so evident every time I call or come in or when Mom comes in and you send your best! Thank you to every one in the office who ordered a plate! Your support is so appreciated!!


A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AT MARGIE'S WORK PLACE IN SELMA! Steve & I are so grateful for your contributions.

ANYONE ELSE WHO ORDERED A PLATE & I DID NOT MENTION YOUR NAME it is only because I did not find out who else ordered - because it was so huge a turn out BUT STEVE & I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!!!!

Minn, Cindy, Jared (my godson),Ramona, Dora, Dolores & Sister Mona Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to come out to help deliver plates!!!

I won't be posting anything new til probably Monday because we are in the process of changing internet service providers (and hopefuly switching me over to a lap top :)

have a great weekend every one and thanks for checking in

Special Love, hugs and prayers for all the Mommie's who's hearts are torn between celebrating with their children here with us and the ones in heaven on this MOTHER'S DAY!!! Thinking of YOU with an ache in my heart !! please know I will be praying for you! & pray for me too my only mother's day with Elijah

These words kept running in my head

"CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AS YOU WATCH YOUR DREAMS SLIP AWAY"

Things are just getting really tough right now, not only because of Elijah and all the emotions that brings but because of some other personal situations we are facing. Today I watched Steve take care of some stuff for us and as he was walking back and forth, those words came to my mind:

carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders as you watch your dreams slip away

Steve is a very hard working man. A great provider, husband and Father. I just wish I had the ability to make him feel better like he so often does for me during this journey we are on. As everyone knows yesterday was "Dr. Day" he was unable to go with me because he was taking care of "stuff" so mom went with me. Later on in the day we talked and he finally came to me and said, "I'm tired, frustrated, & feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going - I feel like I can't let myself think about Elijah because if I do I'm going to go down"

what did I say?... NOTHING, just nodded as I rubbed his shoulder! I had no words! How could I - his wife - his "help mate" NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Today as we got stuff done around the house, I saw the weight of the world weighing heavy on my husbands shoulders as dreams are being washed away - and yet through it all...

HE KEEPS SMILING :)

I'm so grateful for worship - I LOVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD where all our hopes & dreams in him will never die!

I don't feel too strong these days so if anyone runs into me & it looks like I've lost my smile. I'm still me - just going through some rough days right now. If I don't write as much - Just hard to put my thoughts together.

PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)

It is just that

MY HEART IS

-broken

-heavy

-torn

-shattered

AND YET ALL THE WHILE SO VERY HAPPY EVERY TIME MY BABY BOY KICKS AND MOVES INSIDE ME because that assures me "he is still with me, I'm still his mommy, I am still caring for his needs right now, and that is such a joy to me - a very fulfilling emotion all the while knowing it will all too soon come to an end.

Mother's Day this year will be VERY DIFFICULT not just because of it being my 1st & last one with Elijah but also because of the MOMMIES I have met since on this journey, and knowing some extent of the pain they walk with. ALTHOUGH WE ALL HAVE THE HOPE OF CHRIST... it just somehow does not fill the void in their arms and hearts. Knowing that I will too be in their place - I WISH I HAD SOME COMFORTING WORDS!!!

I'm so blessed to know WE ARE NOT ALONE!! thanks for being with us and for taking the time to comment and for the prayers - they are so uplifting.

Dr.'s Appointment

I'm getting so close to the due date. Dr. said he's growing (so is his Cele) bitter sweet.
HE'S SO PRECIOUS! & already full of so much "personality" I know this because of how & when he moves(too funny). I think he is just like his big brother!! (details later).

Dr. had me sign consent for vaginal birth. I was so nervous, but then when she came in she sat with me and answered all my questions and explained to me that the best position for him to be born in, is if he is born breech (butt first). Less chance of his Cele to rupture during delivery and better chance for "more time"!!! "MORE TIME that's what I want so, so very desperately!!
PLEASE PRAY, PLEASE!!!

hope you don't mind Susie but I told her about Joshua and how they turned him for you, but she said , "NO WAY, I'm not turning him, can't do it - not allowed"
BUT that's okay, I'll just ask Jesus to do it for us.

I've already talked to Him, about me accepting the fact that I will be letting go of him so quick - now I'll just ask the Lord if He would please grant me the delivery that will give me the most time I can possibly have with my little darling.

A while back The Lord gave Cindy a message about timing and how her time is in His hands...
well today I told Elijah "your time is in His hands baby"

I need to keep telling MYSELF that!!!!