These words kept running in my head

"CARRYING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS AS YOU WATCH YOUR DREAMS SLIP AWAY"

Things are just getting really tough right now, not only because of Elijah and all the emotions that brings but because of some other personal situations we are facing. Today I watched Steve take care of some stuff for us and as he was walking back and forth, those words came to my mind:

carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders as you watch your dreams slip away

Steve is a very hard working man. A great provider, husband and Father. I just wish I had the ability to make him feel better like he so often does for me during this journey we are on. As everyone knows yesterday was "Dr. Day" he was unable to go with me because he was taking care of "stuff" so mom went with me. Later on in the day we talked and he finally came to me and said, "I'm tired, frustrated, & feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going - I feel like I can't let myself think about Elijah because if I do I'm going to go down"

what did I say?... NOTHING, just nodded as I rubbed his shoulder! I had no words! How could I - his wife - his "help mate" NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Today as we got stuff done around the house, I saw the weight of the world weighing heavy on my husbands shoulders as dreams are being washed away - and yet through it all...

HE KEEPS SMILING :)

I'm so grateful for worship - I LOVE TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD where all our hopes & dreams in him will never die!

I don't feel too strong these days so if anyone runs into me & it looks like I've lost my smile. I'm still me - just going through some rough days right now. If I don't write as much - Just hard to put my thoughts together.

PLEASE KNOW I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, PRAYERS & ENCOURAGING COMMENTS we have received - I'm not turning bitter or losing my faith (please don't judge me as such)

It is just that

MY HEART IS

-broken

-heavy

-torn

-shattered

AND YET ALL THE WHILE SO VERY HAPPY EVERY TIME MY BABY BOY KICKS AND MOVES INSIDE ME because that assures me "he is still with me, I'm still his mommy, I am still caring for his needs right now, and that is such a joy to me - a very fulfilling emotion all the while knowing it will all too soon come to an end.

Mother's Day this year will be VERY DIFFICULT not just because of it being my 1st & last one with Elijah but also because of the MOMMIES I have met since on this journey, and knowing some extent of the pain they walk with. ALTHOUGH WE ALL HAVE THE HOPE OF CHRIST... it just somehow does not fill the void in their arms and hearts. Knowing that I will too be in their place - I WISH I HAD SOME COMFORTING WORDS!!!

I'm so blessed to know WE ARE NOT ALONE!! thanks for being with us and for taking the time to comment and for the prayers - they are so uplifting.

Dr.'s Appointment

I'm getting so close to the due date. Dr. said he's growing (so is his Cele) bitter sweet.
HE'S SO PRECIOUS! & already full of so much "personality" I know this because of how & when he moves(too funny). I think he is just like his big brother!! (details later).

Dr. had me sign consent for vaginal birth. I was so nervous, but then when she came in she sat with me and answered all my questions and explained to me that the best position for him to be born in, is if he is born breech (butt first). Less chance of his Cele to rupture during delivery and better chance for "more time"!!! "MORE TIME that's what I want so, so very desperately!!
PLEASE PRAY, PLEASE!!!

hope you don't mind Susie but I told her about Joshua and how they turned him for you, but she said , "NO WAY, I'm not turning him, can't do it - not allowed"
BUT that's okay, I'll just ask Jesus to do it for us.

I've already talked to Him, about me accepting the fact that I will be letting go of him so quick - now I'll just ask the Lord if He would please grant me the delivery that will give me the most time I can possibly have with my little darling.

A while back The Lord gave Cindy a message about timing and how her time is in His hands...
well today I told Elijah "your time is in His hands baby"

I need to keep telling MYSELF that!!!!

What's On My Mind & My Heart

Well, first of all we still are in "the waiting" for our unspoken request and waiting is one of my worst talents ;) We feel that The Lord is having us STEP OUT in faith. I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Steve & I were talking and he thinks it's because we don't allow ourselves to think too much whenever Kayla is here so we can have a bit of normalcy for her. I think maybe that might be part of it but also tomorrow is "Dr. DAY" that is usually what drains me. I have not been able to blog all day because I keep not knowing what to say. MY HEART IS FEELING SO HEAVY FOR BABY JACOB'S MOMMY(from my side bar) right now. Baby Jacob is struggling! WE NEED TO PRAY FOR THEM!! THIS JOURNEY IS SUCH A HARD ONE TO TRAVEL.

I've been thinking about how sometimes people don't know what to say. I realize that the road we travel is one not understood by all, not lived by all and that everyone has their own lives and daily happenings that fill their days. I too am one of those people it's just that what our reality is right now is what we are living and we cannot escape it. Our baby boy will be born and IF God chooses not to allow him to stay here then WE WILL BE BURYING HIM. While everyone else, even some of our closest relatives & friends CAN forget "it" from time to time and take a break from this emotional storm we are in, WE NEVER forget "it". because "IT" is our daily reality. This morning after we took Josiah to school I came home and slept from 9:30 to 12:00 when we went to pick up Josiah. Steve said I needed to sleep. I was thinking about how right before I fell asleep I told him, "i wish you could take take the hurt away - my heart hurts so strong like when my chest ached physically from broken ribs" (due to an accident) He just held me and said, "so you can acctually feel it? It's not just emotions if you feel it like your ribs!" and I think he wanted to take me to the dr. but I told him thats just how strong the hurt is, knowing I can't plan for my Elijah like I did for Josiah. WELL ENOUGH SAID FOR NOW.

GREAT SUNDAY time together

We went to church and then decided instead of going out for lunch just us, we decided that it would be nice for Kayla to spend some of "mother's day" with grandma & nina (beth),

so Steve bought us one of mine & Beths recent cravings & a long time favorite,rotisserie chicken with all the fixings. We decided inviting Cindy was a must, and she gladly changed her plans to join us. Minn went to go see her mother in law who is in the hospital.

My "Kayla Mother's Day Weekend" was overall very blessed. Lots of quality family time filled with lot's of love hugs and kisses.

EARLY MOTHER'S DAY

Since my precious girl is with her 1st mommy on Mother's Day,


EVERY YEAR WE CELEBRATE the weekend before! TODAY WAS THAT DAY!!!


Daddy got up & got Josiah dressed and told Kayla to get dressed. I was in the bathroom and when I came out daddy was all dressed groomed and ready to go!


We went for breakfast and then took a little trip to the store, shopping for MOM'S DAY!! woowhoo!!!!!! YEAH!!! shopping just for me:)





usually daddy buys two separate gifts one from Josiah and one from Kayla and I usually only get Kayla's early but today we did it all together!





Look what I got from my precious girl, Josiah, Elijah & Daddy!




A BEAUTIFUL & MUCH NEEDED PURSE & MATCHING MAKE UP BAG FILLED!
The make up is exactly like the shades of those in Beth's makeup bag.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy!

After our shopping extravaganza we went to the supermarket and Steve bought lots of goodies for a good "old fashion mexican Bar-B-Q" with all the delicious fixings ;')
We headed over to Ben & Minn's place in the country - perfect place to be on a beautiful day like today. We all sat outside enjoying not only the weather but each others company. It is so nice to celebrate special days with friends & family. Mom & Beth, John, Joanne & the kids, the Alvarez clan, of course and Cindy and us. THE KIDS HAD SO MUCH FUN, they played and played and then played some more... without ever once getting bored!
Kayla was invited to spend the night at Maddie's and Steve said, "tomorrow we continue the "MOTHER'S DAY festivities" WOW!!!!
we will be getting up in the morning and heading to church and I'm not sure what we will do afterwards but I will try to get some pictures to post.

On another note we will be meeting once again with the people in regards to our unspoken & urgent prayer request. PLEASE continue to pray that the favor of GOD be with us and that all will work out as HE wants it to. We will know the answer by this coming week.
I AM SO READY FOR THE ANSWER because you know how it feels to be waiting Ugh!
(i don't do that good with waiting without knowing.)
THANKS FOR PRAYING it really is a very important issue and as soon as we know, I will share with all of you, our prayer partners :)
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED NIGHT TONIGHT & A GREAT SUNDAY
THE DAY THE LORD HAS GIVEN US!!!

Just hanging out

Cindy called this morning. I was still in bed and the kids were still asleep. Steve was on the computer. I had a nice long talk (nothing too important or specific just random stuff - pretty fun)
Josiah woke up then Kayla did. I got off the phone after a while because I could here Josiah asking for b-fast.

Steve and the kids came & got into our bed and tumbled around for a while!!! silly kids!! :)

I'm not too sure what we will do today. We have a few different options but right now it just seems like BEING LAZY & DOING NOTHING FEELS LIKE THE BEST IDEA!!!

I guess we will see what the day turns up. It's a real nice day for a BB-Q! (maybe) or to go to the carnival in town - no. i don't know.

THE POWER OF THE MAKE UP BAG!!!

JUST WONDERING...

For the past 2 months I've been in this weird funk. Ever since I stopped working I have become "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" the kind I said I'd never become HA! HA!
see what happens!!
NEVER SAY NEVER!!
Yeah but that's when I was still REAL, REAL STUPID and frivolous, thinking only of myself and how to meet Mr. Right :)
(i found him by the way)

But anyway, I was in this funk and for some reason MAKE UP has become the last thing on my mind. well I went over to moms (on Wednesday) and saw Beth's make up bag sitting on her dresser, i picked it up and began applying make up. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED HOW IT'S DONE! ;)
and to think when Steve met me, he told Ben I was "high maintenance & way out of his league"
IF YOU'VE SEEN ME LATLEY - YOU WOULD LAUGH SO HARD YOU'D PRAOBABLY COLLAPSE

the next day I asked her to let me borrow her make up. we were leaving somewhere and she said, "just take it and give it to me over there".
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
if anyone sees Beth today and she looks like "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" don't say anything PLEASE
because if you see me today...
I DON'T look like "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN"
It is amazing what a make up bag can do :)
I was even so inspired & sprayed some perfume on!!!
THE POWER OF THE MAKE UP BAG!! Hmmm! I guess I should invest in getting me one of those nifty little things - it works wonders :)

DREAMS...DREAMS...DREAMS

I just can't help it. I keep having these dreams of Elijah's birth no more like his death. Earlier this week I had the dream that I was driving from town to town looking for him in the casket and Steve told me we had already buried him, then I had the one that we were at the cemetery and I had no clue what was going on... ... well last night I dram his precious little face. He was so precious. THOSE EYES he was staring so intently into my eyes. I woke up crying. I dozed off again and began to dream again, I dram his voice what a beautiful sound "I know newborns don't talk" but as I was holding him him and looking at him, I heard his voice saying, "Daddy... Daddy" It was the sweetest sound ever. (AND NO IT WAS NOT JOSIAH'S VOICE!!!!!!!!!) I heard him and I know. It was such a sweet soft voice. The soft sound of his voice saying Daddy in such a tender and endearing way.
I WISH I COULD HAVE A WAY TO RECORD AND KEEP IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! (besides in my heart) I woke up crying and Steve just held me we cried together and just talked and talked and talked. I was do afraid of falling asleep because I didn't want to have another dream.
I FEEL SO EMOTIONALLY WEAK TODAY! NO STRENGTH AT ALL. I have stuff to do but no will to do it.

THOUGHTS, just racing wild in my mind. "thank you Jesus because you know my deepest thoughts, you love me and are here with me. I don't have to sort my thoughts in order for you to know what I feel THANK YOU MY JESUS! you are so beautiful to me, to feel your peace in the very core of my being as this rage of emotions tends to overwhelm me YOUR PEACE is with me. I know this even if my mind and my body feel otherwise. MY SOUL KNOW THIS FULL WELL YOU are my confidence my rock and my strength".

TO ALL OUR READERS: need you to know we appreciate you beyond what we can express. I know many of you are aching right along with us.

STEVE WRITES

"TIME FLIES"

It seems like it was just yesterday that we found out about our baby boy's condition and it was almost three months ago FEB. 13, that day is getting closer, that we will have to say Goodbye too our son! We pray that GOD will answer our prayers, but if He chooses not too it will be hard for us knowing that he's not in my wife's belly. We won't be able to talk to him through the belly anymore, or rub and pat him through the belly! that feeling will be tough to get through, but GOD will see us through this very sad time. It will be hard on our whole family that day, but it will also be a celebration too. Our son will be home with our LORD AND SAVIOR in heaven. That day will be very hard for my wife, because she is carrying ELIJAH inside her. She is getting all the kicking, moving feeling in her belly, so I know everybody is already praying for us, but I ask that you will pray a little extra for my wife, that GOD will give her strength when that day comes. It will be very hard on me too knowing that GOD has blessed me with another son that I will have to give him back to JESUS, don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful kids. Daddy's little boy Josiah and daddy's little girl Kayla. I know that we are all one family, but on family outing's, holidays, and special occasions, even though ELIJAH will always be in our HEART'S, our family will always be missing ELIJAH here with us. And on that day when JESUS comes back to take us home, the first thing I will ask him, is to take me to hold my little ELIJAH. We know what the out come of this MIRACLE will be. Our family has FAITH that GOD could do a MIRACLE ON ELIJAH'S head, but we believe In FAITH ELIJAH'S MISSION is to show the people of the world that are not saved, and the POWER that GOD has! What I mean is until you logged on to this sight you might not have thought to much about JESUS in your life. I don't know how many people who read this, about ELIJAH'S MISSION if they are saved or even know JESUS CHRIST our LORD AND SAVIOR is real. GOD has a plan for ELIJAH'S MISSION, us Christian's might not understand why GOD does things, but we know it's for a reason. GOD gave ELIJAH to us like this not to punish us, but HE knew we would be able to spread his WORD around the world. We believe ELIJAH'S MISSION is to bring people to know JESUS, and when you let GOD into your life and into your heart, then you will know that JESUS loves us and understand GOD has a reason, and not to punish us. Punishment will be when people that didn't Accept him into their lives have to spend the rest of their life in HELL! GOD loves everybody even the one's don't know him. So when you log on you can't say that you don't knowof GOD, because you have heard through ELIJAH'S MISSION, you have said a prayer for us! ELIJAH and our family asked that you help us pray for a MIRACLE! Only by the power of GOD that you said a prayer for us. GOD hears us all . GOD might not give us the MIRACLE and let him stay, but GOD'S MISSION FOR ELIJAH, we believe was to bring people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST! We know GOD gave us our MIRACLE our PRECIOUS BABY BOY ELIJAH! but I truly believe the MIRACLE OF GOD was to bring unsaved people to know our LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!! It might be sad that GOD did it this way, but it would have been even more sad If people of the world didn't get a chance to know JESUS! Even if you think you accidentally logged on to ELIJAH'S MISSION, let me tell you that it was no accident, it was GOD KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OR YOUR HEART giving you the chance to know HIM and to change your life. I'm sad, that I might not have ELIJAH very long here, BUT I DO KNOW THAT GOD GAVE OUR FAMILY A PROMISE THAT WE WILL MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN,!!!!!! I PRAISE GOD AND THANK HIM FOR LETTING ME BE PART OF THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!!!! Even if only one unsaved person logged on ELIJAH'S MISSION was accomplished. All GOD wants from us is our HEART'S AND SOUL'S and HE'S ready to bless us with so much more!!

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYER'S AND COMMENT'S, AND IF YOUR NOT SAVED BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU ASK JESUS TO COME INTO HEART, AND LET HIM CHANGE YOUR LIFE!! GOD BLESS YOU!!

THURSDAY

Josiah WENT BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!! He was so happy! We got to the school to drop him off and it was already passed 9:00 because Josiah slept til 8:30 :) WOW!!! WE GOT TO SLEEP IN!!! he woke up when Steve & I started talking after Cindy called us.
He was in such a good mood. Steve asked him if he wanted to go to school and he jumped up and said "LETS GO" All the children were playing outside when we walked through the gate and he ran to his little buddy Mathew. (I need to ask his mommy if we can post a picture of Josiah & Matthew on our blog) Teacher Megan says they are "partners in crime"!!! YIKES!!!
yes both boys are rambunctious!!! we need to pray for their teachers :)

Cindy called this morning to tell us that Margie & Roy Along with their brothers' restaurant: FAVORITO'S in Fowler have started a fundraiser for Elijah's memorial/burial fund. If you remember Roy & Margie are Nicole's parents. I wrote about them a few days ago!
PLEASE PRAY THAT THE SALE IS A SUCCESS!!
ESPECIALLY PRAY BLESSINGS UPON FAVORITO RESTAURANT IN FOWLER CA. MAY THEIR BUSINESS FLOURISH & PROSPER AS THEY HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY JOINED IN OUR EFFORTS TO RAISE THESE MUCH NEEDED FUNDS!
We are also looking into other fundraiser ideas & would appreciate your prayers as we along with our close friends and family get these events going in the short time we have left.
(UPDATE TO FOLLOW, IN REGARDS TO HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT & HOW YOUR PRAYERS HAVE SUPPORTED THESE EFFORTS)

Sgt. Clean & Digging up sweet memories!

I got my working orders from Sgt. Clean... ... ... and tonight as we get ready for bed it feels so good to have put away all that clothes and to have cleared all the clean dishes off my kitchen counters and I am thankful to my inspiration, Sgt. Clean :)

He was organizing the garage and he took out my wedding dress!! I was in the kitchen and walked out to the garage for something. He had my wedding dress! and crown and veil and train and everything from our wedding was in that bin. WOW!! talk about a rush of memories sweeping over me! It was so nice to sit in the garage with him and look at my dress. He was putting it back in the bag and the bin and sand sprinkled out onto the plastic lid. We both laughed as we remembered the second reception at the coast and the walk on the pier all dressed up in our wedding attire, the free dinner from the elderly couple (my 3 maid of honors and some close family drove up with us to the coast where we had reserved tables for dinner the couple ended up paying for all of our dinners because they said it reminded them of when they got married) TOO SWEET!! , the pictures on the beach (MY DREAM COME TRUE!) and the romantic young peddler who was selling roses and gave me some just cause I was in my dress!

Thanks Cindy for emailing me these pic's LOVE YA!!

Wednesday

Steve woke up & got out of bed at 3:00 a.m this morning. He said he had too much on his mind and could not sleep. He went to the garage (his thinking place more like his prayer closet).

I got up at 5:00a.m couldn't sleep anymore either. Just want to say thanks to Laurie for letting us know you are lifting up the unspoken request along with us. I think maybe that is why neither Steve or I could sleep this morning.



SO what do you do when you just can't sleep and you have lots on your mind?



Steve's motto ... ... ... we organize , clean and do anything we can to keep our minds occupied!!!



Steve has been reorganizing our dresser drawers, doing laundry and sorting out winter clothes to put away and putting out the stuff the kids & we have out grown or will no longer wear.



I on the other hand, have been biting my nails, plopping myself from couch to couch, taking care of important phone calls (like 1), and trying to keep Josiah entertained(not really he keeps following daddy saying "we working hard daddy"). I did get up at 5:00 and put away one basket full of mine & Steve's clothes before I curled up on the couch and dozed off til Cindy called us at 8:30 a.m to let us know SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PACKAGE ELIJAH RECEIVED FROM WISCONSIN!!!! :) i had a feeling she was the culprit!!! (L.O.L) I also put away one load of Kayla's clothes and ... ... Oh yeah I threw out the trash :) I'm such a trooper!! (right!?!)



I then managed to convince MR.CLEAN to take a run with me into town FOR IMPORTANT BUSINESS!!! like Mc Donalds for breakfast :) he wasn't too enticed until I said, "you've worked so hard all morning... ... we should go get you a chocolate milkshake" VOILA!!! the magic word :)



We went to Mc Donalds and I realized I didn't have my purse :( I had left it at moms yesterday. we had to go to Parlier to pick up my purse, since we were already in town I decided to go into the bank where we have opened Elijah's memorial fund. I ran into 3 girls I went to High School with. I didn't feel like talking so I just didn't look them in the eye and walked out. NOW I FEEL BAD... ... ... but i didn't feel like answering any questions. oh well. they won't fall apart just because I didn't say HI right? who am I any ways?

We got back and Josiah is ready for a nap but this little turkey said, "I go night night myself, my room" BRAT I WAS COUNTING ON DOING MY MOTHERLY DUTY!!

So I guess it's back to Srgt. Clean for working orders :) CINDY TAKE ME AWAY!!! ha! ha! ha!

ON ANOTHER NOTE, I've been thinking that maybe I need to clarify something.
NOT TOO SURE BUT JUST A THOUGHT that keeps running through my mind.

I just want to clarify for any family members who are reading this blog; that I love, appreciate and need ALL OF YOU, not one is more than the other. If for some reason you were not personally contacted by me or my mom to inform you of Elijah's diagnoses it IS NOT BECAUSE WE CHOSE NOT TOO but just because as I am sure you all can imagine it is quite a bit draining to make phone call after phone call to say, "we found out he's a boy & his brain is hanging outside his head and he's gonna die". My mom called her sisters and brother and send Bernice a text message for me because I did'nt want to talk. I asked Minn to email anyone whose email address she had. I only made 2 personal calls (a few days later), to the two cousins I remembered had been through a bit of a similar journey as the one I was about to embark. I called Priscilla and Ruth. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL VERY DEAR TO ME AND I CHERISH ALL OF YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH.

WOW!!! gratitude beyond words

We went to the appointment we had like I mentioned earlier. If God wills and all goes well we had a very good feeling about the meeting, with the people regarding our unspoken but very urgent prayer request. (to be revealed as soon as it comes to pass if it is the Lords will).

Tonight was Tuesday prayer night. Steve and Josiah of course went to watch the little league St. Louis Cardinals play again tonight. I don't know who enjoys Tuesday night's more, daddy or Josiah ?... or me :)!!!

I got home to find a package that was left on our front door step,
addressed to ELIJAH NATHANIEL DOUGLAS.
the package is filled with little hats. CUTE ONES!! all blue of course! and one tiny baseball cap!and a build a bear workshop bear. so touching :) This package came from a foundation in Green Bay Wisconsin. The foundation is called HEAVENLY HATS FOUNDATION.
I don't know how this foundation got our address, whether a friend, a doctors office, angel babies or who?!?!?!?! BUT WHOEVER IT WAS , STEVE & I ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR THE THOUGHTFUL GESTURE!!!!!!!!!!

BEYOND WORDS... ... Dina (my cousin) you will never know how much it has meant to me, on such a heavy day; to know that you passed Elijah's blog to our cousin Becky in Arizona!!! I have been missing grandma so much through this journey, there are days that I ask myself, what would grandma tell me? what words of solitude, wisdom and encouragement would she speak to me? and tonight as I got home and checked the blog to find a comment from Becky took me back ...
Back to Grandmas house back to the days when we were all oblivious to the pain life brings. All of us playing. Having so much fun! in grandpas back yard getting into things we probably weren't supposed to :) back to whenever you & your parents would come over and we would go play in the sewing room and fight over who was going to be Tia Janie, Tia Fela and Tia Naomi Tia Licha & Tia Esther... The picture some one took of us playing with the purses out of grandmas closet!! And all the fun we had growing up whenever Tio Meme & Tia Hela (Becky's Parents) came from Arizona!! We were sure we were in for a good time with them here.

Reading her comment; ITS ME BECKY FROM ARIZONA just took me back and as tears filled my eyes, I could even smell grandmas kitchen, hear her & Tia Hela talking as they cooked! AND ALL OF US KIDS running in and out of the kitchen til grandpa caught us and quickly put a stop to it!!!

I just have to say THANKS DINA!!! my heart is so uplifted to have heard from Becky - to know a part of grandma somehow reached me today! Thanks to YOU!! You have taken the life of my precious little baby and shared how important I feel his life is and passed it on to very important people in our life's!! There is nothing like hearing from family as we travel down this path set before us!
TO MY COUSIN BECKY & ALL WHO READ & COMMENT ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THIS BLOG WE APPRECIATE YOU ALL AND FEEL YOUR PRAYERS!
the gratitude in our hearts is beyond words :) you have all blessed & encouraged us with your prayers and comments!!!!

HEAVY HEARTED TUESDAY

I woke up on and off all night last night. I kept dreaming about Elijah. Horrible dreams like he was born and I couldn't find him, We were having the funeral and I had no clue where he was, I was driving and driving looking for Elijah all over. (for those who don't know we live in an agricultural valley so from town to town we are surrounded by orchards and vineyards) so in this dream I was driving through vineyards and orchards looking for Elijah. I tried to stay off the computer early this morning because I thought maybe blogging would make me feel more raw. We've been up with Josiah since 6:45a.m and here it is 10:45 and I couldn't take it any more... I told Steve about my dreams. It just doesn't help. I guess I shouldn't expect anything can help. NOT ONLY AM I FEELING HEAVY HEARTED I FEEL SO SUPER SUPER GRUMPY okay I'll be honest I feel grouchy okay not honest enough I am so angry this morning!!!! EVERYTHING IS SO FRUSTRATING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to wake up from this so bad! I WANT TO STOP THIS CRAZY RIDE! I WANT TO STOP FEELING HOW I FEEL! i wish i could be normal again. normal? what is normal?

Yesterday at the doctors office there was so many precious baby's in car seats and I couldn't help but look at their little heads. THEY WERE CLOSED!! WOW! how amazing heads with no brain hanging out!!! their mommy's could actually hold them and switch them from one arm to the other. burp them. play with them by bouncing them up & down. all the things I took for granted with josiah. I had josiah and brought him home and even though it was during the busy holiday season we took him to my sisters for family gathering and everyone held him. everyone looked at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his ears, his tiny feet, his fingers but not once did I ever think WOW his head closed properly and his brain is inside of his head.
One lady asked me what I was having and I told her a boy. She said, "oh so you need to try for a girl next" I just smiled and said nothing. I had nothing to say. Then another woman with a tiny baby asked, "when are you having your baby?" I said, "in 2 months" her reply was a very normal one, she said, "OH ITS ALMOST OVER!!" those words just kept ringing over and over and over in my head and tearing my heart into a tiny billion pieces. Elijah has been so active yesterday and today and every time he moves I can't help but think "ITS ALMOST OVER" it hurts to hear those words. I know she knew nothing of what I am going through and it is very normal to tell a very pregnant lady "its almost over" but for normal pregnant ladies it isn't ALMOST OVER like for me for them it is almost over and just about to begin. For me I don't even know if i will get to hear my son cry, if I will get to give him a binki, if i will get to bathe him, if i will get to change his first diaper... ... ... ... ... ...

11:47a.m ... ... ... I 'm back I stopped for a good cry Steve came over and held me. Josiah came over and saw me crying with daddy and he ran to get his blankie and jumped into my lap and said, "feel better now mommy! feel better now." I held him and told him I was just sad because I'm going to miss Elijah and he said, "no mommy" no he jumped off my lap and took my hand tightly in his and said, "mere mommy, mere I hold you feel better now" so I went to the couch with my little man and let him hold me till he fell asleep . sweet guy!!

We are going to let Josiah sleep for a little since he's sick and then at 1:00 we have an appointment about what WE ARE PRAYING ABOUT. I'm not really in the mood but Steve says I need to get out. I feel so bad whenever I break down like this because he just wants so bad to "fix it" for me and he can't. It tears me apart to see the look in his face when he has nothing to say and just holds me and says, "its going to be okay" right now he just went outside to clean out the car so we can get going, as he walked out the front door he said, babe it's a very nice day, I'm going to leave the door open for you okay" He tries so hard to make me feel better I wish I could feel better!!!
I better go get dressed
NEED YOUR PRAYERS TODAY IN SUCH A DEEP WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Well yesterday we went to church and after the morning service we went over to Ben & Minn's for lunch. The kids played outside. We went to evening service, "GREAT TIME!"

TODAY
we took Kayla back to school :( miss her already! On the way back went to see how Ben was feeling. He has been under the weather. Ended up staying there for lunch.

Took care of some personal business we had to tend to PLEASE PRAY FOR US REGARDING THIS VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE! WE NEED THE SOVEREIGN HAND OF GOD TO MOVE ON OUR BEHALF.

AFTER a long day of that stuff we decided to take Josiah to see his pediatrician. He continues to be so fussy and not eating well. This is so not like him. Although Steve & I were convinced it was just his molars cutting through, my mom insisted we take him in because he just hasn't been able to be himself... ...
we went in as a walk in with no appointment so we had to wait for 2hrs and 45 minutes in the waiting room. A room filled with 28 adults each with at least one child and many of them with up to three. It was standing room only and of course it is a doctors office so the poor kiddos are all so fussy & sick. Josiah was doing pretty good just sitting with us and after about an hour and a half he asked for water so I asked the girls for a cup of water, they brought us two of those alhambra little cups. Josiah took his time drinking then decided he wanted to drink the other cup of water as well. After the water was gone he was fiddling with it and heard his echo in the cup.

Suddenly his eyes brightened up and he said, " Raise Da Lor"(praise the lord) Steve & I wanted to laugh but he was so serious. he then proceeded to lead a worship service to the "congregation"(clinic full of parents & sick children) He sang "All I want is you Jesus, I found Jesus,The name of the Lord is a strong tower, How great is our God, Stir up the hunger"
I WISH I HAD A CAMERA!!!! he looked so cute he would sing a song eyes closed and at times hands raised and he even knelt down during some of the songs. He not only lead worship but he preached too! he walked around and shouted at the top of his lungs "Bible says, Bible says, Jesus, raise da lord, allelujia Bible says" there was one little boy about his same age and Josiah walked over towards him and said "love Jesus?, raise da lord?" then he kept walking around with the cups as his microphone. SUCH A LITTLE EVANGELIST!!!! he played like this for about 15 minutes.

When we finally got in to see the Dr. she found he has a very bad infection and needs med's. poor guy I feel just horrible, here we were sure it was just his teeth and it isn't!! UgghG!!!! I feel soooooo bad for my baby! he suffered Thursday all night Friday all day & night Saturday and Sunday all day & night and today too with out the antibiotics to help his little body fight off the infection. He will not be going to school until Wednesday. I haven't told him yet because all day he kept saying, "schooly now mom, schooly". Hopefully me & daddy can be just as entertaining as his beloved Kito Ben, Teacher Jesse & best bud Mathew (i doubt it but we will sure try) IF ANY OF YOU CREATIVE PEOPLE OUT THERE HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR A SPECIAL LITTLE 2 Y R OLDS SAKE PLEASE SHARE YOUR IDEAS. I know he will appreciate them :) especially because he is so super active and smart it is such a challenge to keep him entertained.

Gotta go cuz my little man is just fussin and daddy's just walking out to pick up his prescription so I need to take him from daddys arms.

Had so much fun

We went to a car show and craft fair event. It was so nice to be able to spend good family quality time together. (we always feel so complete whenever Kayla is home :) The only picture that was viewable was the one of

Kayla & Maddie showing off their face paintings!! .

Maddie is Minn's one and only daughter, she has four older brothers. The other pictures of Josiah and all of us didn't transfer over to my computer for some reason :( and they were so cute.

It was a long day but so wonderful. My little man is still all drool, poor guy - those teeth are sure giving him a tough time.

I ran in to a lot of people that I used to work with or associate with when we lived their and I worked at the school. I also unexpectedly ran into my cousin Sandra and her family! It was nice to see them.

I worked at the only elementary school their so I also saw some of the students. One in particular really blessed me she was so very sensitive to our situation with Elijah. I know many people in the community know already, not only because of my employment but our church is also their.

This one young girl saw me and she used to come into the office and help me after school. Her dad is the head custodian. She saw Steve & I and she gave me the biggest smile and with such an honest sincere tone in her voice she asked, "how is the baby?" she looked at my tummy so I knew she wasn't talking about Josiah because he was standing right in front of her. I smiled as she extended her little arms out to mine. Her smile instantly went to a very serious face as we embraced and she said, "I know... ... my dad told me". I smiled and said thank you Nicole!

WOW! what a blessing. THE BLESSING WAS THE SINCERITY AND COURAGE THIS CHILD HAD TO COME UP TO US IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND SHARE HER HEART WITH ME!!!! amazing... she can't be more than 13yrs old now. It really doesn't surprise me because both her parents are amazing people. So loving and devoted to serving others! The world should be filled with more Roy & Margie's! Both of their daughters are so kind - I just had the opportunity to bond a little more with Nicole, because of her age she was at our school more. I also saw her parents today and of course they both gave me a hug Margie even patted Elijah (my tummy).

I just praise GOD because today this entire family was an instrument of GOD'S LOVE TO ME!!! I know the Lord is faithful and that He has a very special plan for this wonderful family. I know it was simple gestures of sincerity BUT I WAS BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE TODAY BECAUSE OF THEM :)

Will be out all day today

Kayla's home for the weekend and we have a very special day planned :)
FUN! FUN FAMILY FUN!!!!
But our poor little man is still all drooly but he is really looking forward to today!
DETAILS LATER because every one is waiting for me in the car!
THANKS FOR THE OPINIONS ON THE CHIME MAKING :)
will update on our day later, later tonight. because we will be out ALL day!!

What we did today

Josiah is cutting his molars (POOR GUY) he is just a dribbly drooly little mess. But he keeps on wanting to play. So he plays then whines then plays then whines. BUT NOT FOR ONE MINUTE DOES HE JUST STOP! He's just so active.
The fever is a little more under control THANK YOU LORD!!
We did end up spending the day at "memas". Beth and I had a good talk again. Well I think mostly I talked and she listened. She's too sweet!
Early after we learned of Elijah's Diagnoses, she, mom &Minn had talked of having maybe a "beanie shower" knowing that we will need plenty of those just in case The Lord has ordained a number of days for us to have him at home, and if not then we could donate the beanies to the hospital or Angel Babies Hospice, who are helping us out during this time.
I though it would be a good idea but as the days draw nearer, I find myself digging my heels in the ground, so to speak.
Today during our talk Beth said she would take charge and she set the date and we planned the meal :) So, hopefully I won't be an emotional wreck - well if I am I guess I'm entitled :) I also asked Beth & mom what they thought about us taking the ceramic clay to the shower and having each guest make a heart for my "Elijah wind chime" I told them they could be completely honest, that my heart wasn't totally set on this happening at this event just a thought I had. Mom wasn't too sure if it will work out, Beth says she thinks it's a good idea. So I don't know ANY IDEAS? LET ME KNOW PLEASE :)

I also was able to stop by Minn's on my way home from getting Kayla after school. The girls played and we had a nice talk for about an hour, which was SO VERY SUPER NICE! (I need my big sis so much right now!!!) She & Ben are Elijah's godparents. We had asked them back in December. Minn is in charge of sending out the donation letters that we are putting out to help us with the funeral/memorial services. Her and Cindy have taken on so much of this load. The letters will go out to local businesses and churches so please help us pray. I told Steve this morning that I keep having this dream that we are at the funeral and I am in my jammies and don't have a clue as to what goes where or who does what. I told him I think i'm just nervous to make sure I arrange every detail of my baby's "going home celebration". I just pray we can collect the first seven hundred necessary for the cemetery. I KNOW WE HAVE AN ARMY OF PRAYER WARRIORS AND WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! so I am going to just trust HIM and not depend on our lack of funds. I KNOW YOU ALL WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY even for this specific need.
UGggHhh!! I just hate how my thoughts are so jammbled - BUT I DO APPRECIATE YOUR PRAYERS, COMMENTS & WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT good night all :)

Joisiah

Steve & I were up all night (literally) with our little guy. He all of the sudden came crying to us as we were finishing dinner. Saying,"hold me mommy, hold me" when I took him up in my arms he was burning up with fever. We sat with him on the couch, took his socks off and daddy gave him medicine. After being all fussy for about 2 hours during which time he whined until we let him call "mema"(grandma) to pray for him & "berba"(minn) to tell her he had a fever! He finally settled in and fell asleep at 9:30. Steve & I were so tired we went to bed. Steve woke up at 11:00 and went to Josiah's room because he was crying. Steve came back to bed and we were both up with him from 1:00 till 5:00 when the fever finally broke. Josiah woke me up at 8:00 this morning. He's not going to school though because we will probably end up taking him to the doctor later if the fever comes back. We are going to go to "mema's" because Josiah isn't feeling too good and I'm a little emotional. "NO PLACE LIKE MOM'S HOUSE FOR T.L.C"

Mom told me yesterday, that she washed the blanket she made and embroidered for Elijah. I will take a picture and post it later. It is beautiful :)

PLEASE pray for us (Josiah is so fussy I see him whine and I feel like telling him I know how you feel son & I wish I could cry just like he does - that would look funny though!)

It's a strange thing...

It is so unexplainable when all of the sudden out of the blue after what I thought was a pretty good day then all of the sudden I FEEL LIKE I WAS JUST HIT WITH A MACK TRUCK!

Cindy & Chris came by and we had a pretty good visit. Josiah worshiped with his microphone that Cindy bought him and he made us each hold some object in our hand as if it were a microphone and we each had to sing along. Josiah kept a close eye on Chris and if he stopped singing he stop singing and told Chris," sing". Steve recorded him on the camcorder.
They left at about 6:30 and we stayed outside and watched Josiah ride his tricycle. Daddy recorded that too! Especially the newest trick, (he knows how to pedal backwards)!!

SO then why when we came in to make dinner, I all of the sudden was overtaken by a deep unexplainable SADNESS!! I mean like REAL real deep sorrow and the thoughts that came over me... ... like the fact that we won't have those kind of moments with Elijah (watching him ride a tricycle and be a little clown like Josiah).

I feel so bad for Steve I don't think he knows what to tell me anymore.
I JUST CAN'T SHAKE THIS FEELING AWAY