MORE MORIAH PIC'S

SHE LOOKS SO CUTE WHEN SHE LAUGHS!!

SHE IS SHOWING OFF THE BIG BOW/HEADBAND I MADE FOR HER

Confessions

So, I've shared about how I am married to Sgt. Clean, right? well did I tell you our children take after him!!!
Today is Tuesday and I must confess; 'camp douglas' was still up - I know... I know... Kayla has been gone since Sunday night, I know but yesterday - I just didn't get around to putting her mattress back in her room. This morning Steve was watching the morning news. Josiah stood up and said, "Daddy the sala(living room) is in a mess". Steve just giggled and asked Josiah, "what?" and Josiah replied, "daddy we need to clean up - to take Kayla's bed back".

Frank came to pick up Steve to finish the wood chopping and as soon as he walked out the door, Josiah started pulling out the vacuum cleaner and he said, "mommy lets clean"

HE LOOKS SO CUTE VACUUMING!! he is so motivated to clean just like is daddy & sister :~)

My sala is now clean & vacuumed because my [almost] 3 year old gave me my [cleaning] orders. I am cleaning the kitchen now & he is vacuuming his room.

*Ugggh* & I thought I would have another lazy day - NOT!!!

Steve will be home in an hour and I will be ready to relax in a clean house
THANKS TO MY SWEET BOY!!!

DENSE FOG!!!

This morning Josiah & I were on our way to an appointment. There was a dense fog advisory it was zero visibility. We were in traffic when I looked in my rear view mirror and then within seconds heard the screeching tires and then felt the BIG "BOOM"

We were rear ended. It was a young kid in his teens, I think he said he was 17 and had just gotten his licence. Thank God 'Si & I are okay and so is the young kid.

Steve went to help a man from church chop some wood, so he still doesn't know!

The car isn't bad either but Josiah can sure make all the sound effects and dramatizations of what happened. He called my mom and told her everything he even told her where we we were going too!

I think the kid wasn't watching where he was going cause he was driving much too fast. I could see he was comming real fast and I couldn't move out or I would have hit on comming traffic.

Moriah is 1 month old now

My mom emailed me this picture of her. She was napping so good - they could'nt wake her up! She was 2 hours passed her feeding & still not motivated to wake up.

One week from today...

In one week my Beth will be getting married. This was supposed to be a small event but as we all know weddings always get bigger & bigger.

So, today Beth went to pick up her wedding dress! We had so much fun. Kake went on a movie date with Tia Berba(Minn) & Maddie. We came back and then Cindy took me to buy me something to wear for the wedding - we are Beths 3 bridesmaids. Of course our day was filled with humor because Cindy was saying jokes about her still not being married YET!! Cindy is like a man on a mission whenever it comes to stuff like this - there is no stopping her!! She is like a... ... okay I better stop now, but I am serious we laughed so hard my chest started to hurt from laughing at ourselves so much. We had a name for almost every piece of clothing we tried on. There was 'bubbles', 'granny', 'balloon', 'barney' and others too! Of course we did not bring any of those home for us to wear! Geeze I just can't figure out why those darn dresses don't look like they do on the models?!?!
*HA! HA! HA!* (stinky dresses whats wrong with them, oh wait maybe it's the mirrors) RIGHT!!!!
Oh well I may not have a models figure but I had a wonderfully fun day & I needed a day like this it was sooooooooo much fun.
I had a great day and so did my kiddo's & daddy too!!!
Steve said -"I've been trying to get you to go out with Cindy for a long time!!!
I had fun!
I better go now cause I have to be sure to get 'Si's tie ready for church tomorrow - Oh I saw the cutest little suits when we were out today, I didn't know they made them in their sizes!! (too cute) I wanted Kake to go with us but of course she chose movies with maddie :~)

Wooo Whoo!!

... And the indoor clothes line worked!!! NOW, are living room looks like a real authentic camping spot. Darn, all we need are the smores. Oh well maybe we can get some for next weekend. YOU should see this -
our dining room and living room adorned with zig zag lines of hanging clothes. Kake called it "The line of happy pants". She's so silly!!

(WOW! I guess I am, becoming an easy to please woman l.o.l!!!!!!!!!!!!)
You should have seen me... I was so excited when Steve finished it.
The kids & I clapped and cheered "YAEY! DADDY - YOU DID IT! YOU'RE THE BEST"

Steve, Kake & I all hung clothes on the line and then, daddy pulled out Kake's mattress and "camp Douglas" was a roaring rumble of fun!!! We ate 'Si's famous oatmeal biscuits and cold milk! (YUMMY- wish I knew how much of everything he added) We watched the 8 O' clock cartoon an ABC 'The Polar Express' ('Si LOVED IT-he was entranced)

We were almost tempted to make a switch off on the sleeping arrangements at camp douglas - but , I think we will keep it as usual. We talked of doing a boys - girls -separate but we were voted down!!

At dinner, Kay asked me if in heaven we are gonna look the same as we do now. She asked how 'Lijah is gonna know we are there. She asked if she will have her own mansion. We answered each question with scripture. She loved the 'having a crown' part of the bible :~) 'Si's favorite part was the no sleep/tired part and the happy parties! We all broke out in loud laughter whenever Josiah yelled out, "Man, 'Lijah a brat" (huge smile)

*** SHhHhhh please don't tell... I think I might bail out on camp douglas tonight (p.m.s) UgggGh!
I know T.M.I :~)

TGIF! Kay's home for the weekend

We woke up this morning and did laundry (forecast said sunny - not true) my clothes is still soggy on the lines.
Picked up Kake at 1:30 this afternoon.

She and Steve worked all afternoon putting up Christmas lights and decorations in the yard. Josiah napped and I sneaked in a tiny cat nap too :~)

We are enjoying a nice family evening. Kay & 'Si are in our bedroom, watching T.V

Steve is working on making me an indoor clothesline!!! so glad, warm DRY clothes :~)

Kay is already singing " Family- Fun- Friday Camp - out tonight"

So I guess it's camp out night again :)

My Thanksgiving day (we are back home now)

It is 7:45. My precious 'Si is fast asleep on the couch (he skipped nap time today). Daddy is out in the yard putting up Christmas lights (yes! in the dark - he's crazy like that). I just finished cleaning up the kitchen from my baking this morning.

My day started out nice. Steve took 'Si to the annual Church Turkey bowl. They were both dressed in grey sweats and their matching Raiders Jersey. This will probably be the last time 'Si gets to wear his. It is too small. We got it as a gift for his baby shower and he finally sorta fit into it at 1 yr. old and wore it last year too. I think next season it will not fit any more!

I stayed home . I enjoyed a nice long hot shower; worship playing in the background. I got out put on some comfies, dried my hair, read my bible, prayed, blogged and started my baking. I baked bananana nut bread and zuccini bread (missed my Kake). The house was so quiet. This is the first time 'Si has gone to the Turkey Bowl without me Such a treat!!!.

I was just starting the oatmeal chocolate nut cookies when Daddy & 'Si walked through the front door. Yes, you better believe 'Si washed up and hopped onto a chair to "help" me bake. Steve had jumped in the shower and I went into the kitchen to pull loaves out of the oven and whenI returned to the dining table. Josiah was covered in flour, the cookie batter was floating in melted butter and a fresh white glistening lump of sugar.
*Aaaaagh!!!* I tried to see what all he had added to the mix but there was no way of knowing what all was in there. - Oh well, we baked them any ways we ended up with OATMEAL CHOCOLATE CHIP NUT BISQUITS rather than oatmeal cookies. L.O.L!!!

Then I let HIM(all by himself) make peanut butter cookies (so wish we had at least a camera phone to show you all his YUMMY peanut butter cookies!! They were a hit!!!

I finished baking got dressed and went over to Ben & Minn's. We have a tradition of taking turns saying what we are thankful for. When it was Josiah's turn he was the first to mention 'Lijah. He said, "I- I - Um- I thankful for my 'lijah". WE ALL got choked up! I smiled at him and said," yeah baby me too, I'm thankful for 'Lijah too!"

I was doing good and then all of the sudden I started feeling anxious. I couldn't concentrate and I felt out of place. Steve & Josiah were outside with all the boys playing horse shoes. I felt as if I had nothing to say to mom, Cindy or my sisters. I was so uncomfortable. Steve & I drove to Parlier to the cemetery to take the wreath I had made.

We sat on the grass quietly, for a very long time. It started getting dark and very cold. The sky was beautifully grey and cloudy. I began to feel so tired. Like I finally let out a big sigh! We walked over to my grandparents grave and my uncles and aunt's as well (they are just a few rows away). We also went to Mr. Lincoln's grave (Ben's dad - Beth nicknamed him Lincoln) His grave is just across from 'Lijah's.

We went back to Ben's to pick up Josiah. Jonathan was there now. We were emotionally tired and ready to go home but we went in and visited for a bit. Cindy left and Christine was there too. Her hug was so warm and comforting.(sweet friend)!!

We packed up 'Si's things and my dishes plus a yummy take -home of all the left overs. We said our good-byes and called it a day!

It was a good day - difficult and emotional but GOOD! BLESSED! with Love, longing, Pain , Peace, Comfort, Strength &Hope!!!

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Today is a brand new day. A day that I CHOOSE TO delight myself in. TO think on the things which I have been blessed with. I am thankful because, In Psalms I read that " His mercies are new every day".

I cannot turn back the hands of time. We cannot stay in one season forever. Seasons change. & Everything has a time and a purpose.

I spent yesterday, mourning and grieving the fact that I miss Elijah terribly. At the end of the day I read the blog of : BABY JACOB(on my side bar). After spending the evening alone with Steve watching videos, pictures and remembering. I realized that It was time for me to stand up again!

I went to the Lord in prayer read my bible and was encouraged and reminded by the Holy Spirit, "THAT, everything has a season ans a purpose"

I had watched the video of Elijah's Funeral service. Pastor preached on living a life of purpose and fulfilling your purpose. Elijah did!

I need to see the season I am in and know that I have been chosen for this! The bible says, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME"

I, have always known my God; intimately in EVERY season of my life!

WE are not saying we will not still have sad days and moments of weeping, but for today; "THIS IS THE DAY I CHOOSE TO SAY 'BLESSED BE YOUR NAME- YOU GIVE AND TAKE AWAY, MY HEART WILL CHOOSE TO SAY, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME"

Steve & I are so thankful that we have been blessed with very dear and treasured friends through this season of our lives. Our prayer is that in some way we can blog our lives in a manner which in some way might bless you!

I am thankful for my children. ALL of them. My precious beautiful daughter born, not to me but in my heart. My first born son and for 9 months plus 25and 1/2 hours with Elijah Nathaniel Douglas. I am thankful for the HOPE AND ASSURANCE of heaven and that 'sweet, sweet someday!'

Miss You 'Lijah, My heart misses you so deep, but My heart is also at peace. I am so happy to be your mommy. I miss your sweet face. I miss holding your precious little body in my arms; BUT most of all, 'Lijah I am very, very happy in my heart because I know I did my best for you. I read you the bible every day, since I knew you were inside of me. I sang worship songs to you. WE sang worship songs together when you were inside of me and when you were in my arms too! 'Lijah I remember talking to you and Josiah about heaven together. We still talk about heaven. Kay & 'Si think about you & what it must be like in heaven. I remember when you were leaving to your beautiful new mansion in heaven, I whispered in your ears that you would see beautiful streets of gold, rivers of crystal, foundations of precious stones, A tree of Life . MOST OF all I whispered in your ear that you were gonna love to be in the presence of GOD forever and ever. I whispered into your ear that WE would all be comming there too, someday. We can't hardley wait sweet boy, to be in the presence of GOD forever together.

See you soon swet boy!

Love you so so much,

Mommy

NOT TODAY

We brought home everything from the cemetery last Saturday because it was mowing day. Last night I made a beautiful lush fall foliage wreath with a huge gold bow.

This morning we went into Fowler (Marshall School) then to Parlier(cemetery & mom's house)

Steve asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery first or moms first. F.Y.I -It would make more sense to go to the cemetery first because we were coming from Adams Avenue. The cemetery is BEFORE mom's from Adams Ave.

I said, "mom's house." Steve was surprised. He drove right passed the cemetery and kept looking towards 'Lijah's spot. We got to mom's & I took the wreath in to show her. We stayed for lunch and then I said, "lets go home now". We packed up 'Si & buckled him. We sat quietly for a minute and Steve asked, "Are we gonna go?" "Ummmm... not today", I said. "okay"he said & we drove home.

I couldn't do it - I don't know why. I just couldn't do it... ~not today~
************************************************************************************
Yeah, it is a bit of a bum deal for Holiday Scheduling. For BOTH families. Mostly for my Kake though, she always feels like she is missing out. Steve is missing her alot today he keeps wondering what she is doing. I still haven't made that bread we were gonna make either. I will though, I have to - It is what I'm taking to Ben & Minn's for Thanksgiving.

Cindy's gonna go to Texas for Christmas. She came over last night. It was fun! we laughed and talked & laughed some more. I got the courage to tell her I was feeling panicky about her not being here for Christmas. (we will be okay :~)
She is also gonna miss Josiah's 3rd birthday on December 27th. IT will be a very small cake celebration at home I am sure!

My heart is some what heavy today, I want so much for Elijah to be with me for Thanksgiving. Last year at Thanksgiving I had just found out we were having a baby & I was so excited to be pregnant for the Holiday's KNOWING that by Holidays 2008 I would have a chubby 5 almost 6 month old to feed mashed potatoes to and we would be loaded down with walker, high chair, sippy cup. ~ not today~

Thanksgiving week

Well... we were mistaken on our holiday dates. Kayla will not be with us this year. We some how forgot that she was with us last year. We were very happy thinking & planning the week out and last night we realized it is her mommy's holiday.

This morning we made breakfast and then just hung out for a bit- before taking her back.

I was bummed out & I could tell Steve was too. Then, I remembered yesterday's sermon at church; about being thankful for what we DO have.

I heard Steve in Kay's room and could here him telling her, "he loved her and was so "thankful for her" I went in and they were cuddling on her bed together. She had a new blouse she had gotten for Thanksgiving day, we had her pack it in her bag & hope she will be able to wear it!

WE WILL GIVE THANKS FOR ALL WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN AND FOR THE BLESSING WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN WITH THE LIFE, BIRTH & DEATH OF ELIJAH
*we will be holding on to all the positive thoughts & prayers*
STEVE & I WOULD LIKE TO SAY; "WE ARE THANKFUL FOR YOU!!!"

WEEKEND! WEEKEND! WEEKEND!

Our sweetheart is home!!! We camped out at "Camp Douglas" again.
Today is Saturday and we woke up early to go serve at the Thanksgiving Feeding.
We got home and are getting ready for a birthday party for Samantha (Kayla's friend from church)

MORE LATER :)
A thought...
Economy Bad - GOD GOOD! - FAMILY GREAT - KAKIE HOME, DELIGHTFUL!!!

gotta go I have to munchinks to dress plus we are picking up Maddie & Julie too!
Josiah will be surrounded by girls! girls! girls! (whata guy)

Father Glorify Your Name

Steve is going through his grieving time. Yesterday, Josiah & I went over to moms. I am making bows, ribbons, clips and headbands to sell.(Praying no one snag that idea- I was gonna start selling b-fast & lunch burritos at the school I used to work at and some one beat me to it) We had a craft making day at moms & Josiah enjoyed cuddling with Moriah.

We came home in time for dinner and mom & Beth came over. Steve talked with mom a little bit. Mostly he was very quiet.

This morning I was dressing Josiah and we were saying out morning prayers. I had already spend a great part of early morning prayers, asking God for strength & courage. I prayed for others who need to know Jesus too. I prayed for the people who are worse off then us. Mostly I prayed for courage & strength for today.

Putting my brave foot forward, I told Josiah it was time for morning prayers.
"Oh Jesus please let my 'Lijah come back today", he said.

I was fighting back the tears and I explained, " 'Lijah can't come back bubba". "Why?" he asked.
"because he is with Jesus and he is waiting for us all to go see him in heaven". "we go right now, momma?" "no sweetheart, not today but soon, when Jesus blows the trumpet and he will come to take us all together, to live with ' Lijah" (MORE DISCUSSION TO HEART WRENCHING TO WRITE)... ...

I couldn't bare it any longer. Finally I was able to distract him!!
I set him up on the table with a bowl of cereal and ran to my desk! Wishing I had a good devotional - desperate for something uplifting to my soul. I went online searched devotionals - nothing. I looked up verses. My bible sitting right next to the computer and I thought, "Lord give me a word! My tears rolling down my face. Knowing full well that Steve too is crying in the room. We are both hurting for our pain, but also hurting because our little boy is missing his brother. Oh the stinging pain can sometimes be so overwhelming.

I grab my bible and begin flipping through the pages, desperately seeking COURAGE, STRENGTH, HOPE FOR TODAY, FAITH TO KEEP GOING.

I have lots of verses coming to my mind as I am flipping through the pages
2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 4:8 Apostle Paul said " We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

John 12:27 Jesus is talking to the disciples before he is crucified "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it is for this very reason I came to this hour. "Father, glorify your name!"

Jesus heart was also heavy, troubled. He was feeling the load upon his earthly body. He took comfort in The Father being glorified in that very time.

Steve & I have a troubled heart. But our Heavenly Father shall be glorified in this hour. Steve whispered into my ear on Feb. 13th "Blessed be The Name of The Lord, He gives and takes away. Our hearts will choose to bless His Name"

When we talked on the way home that night, holding each others hands tightly we said, "God has a reason and a divine plan".

Several times we have spoken saying, "We will bless your name! We Choose to trust your divine plan." The days have gotten harder at times and financial troubles have also played into this time. As I read His TRUTHS I must believe "Father, glorify your name". He will be glorified in this time.

Our hearts are troubled BUT I AM CERTAIN THAT "His divine plan will unfold in our lives and He will be glorified in our daily trials of missing Elijah and hurting for our Kay & 'Si missing their brother; Through our financial stresses. HE IS ON THE THRONE & WE WILL SERVE HIM AS BEST WE CAN SO THAT HE WILL BE GLORIFIED IN THIS TIME

Thank you all for your prayers... we are really needing them and being uplifted by them. Your comments have also uplifted my heart. We will continue on because of Christ in us.

I better get going I have house work, school time and then We go get our Kakie girl :)

STEVE

My sweetheart is very broken hearted. He is so sad, I don't know what to do! Well I do know that "our help comes from the Lord"

But outside of praying and keeping the faith - I don't know how to help him. He is missing Elijah so much, ever since Moriah was born & now even more because the Holiday's are comming.

He has been dreaming 'Lijah every night for the past week. Last night he said, he dram he was playing ball with the kids and 'Lijah was about 1yr. old and he was running in the front yard with his "smart boy bubble" & all!

P L E A S E *** P L E A S E *** P L E A S E*** say extra prayers for him & us RIGHT NOW!
Oh & he also lost his job (bad economy).

He is missing Kayla too & I tell him she will be home on Friday, but he is so sad. Yesturday, he started working on a tree house for her in the back yard.
JUST PRAY PLEASE! I need strength to carry him through this.

FOR ANY ONE WHO HAS POWER VERSES, I AM DESPERATE FOR THEM RIGHT NOW!!
I JUST NEED STRENGTH. Steve needs comfort , healing and compassion.

Moriah's 1st "Chongo" (Piggy Tail)

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN THIS MORNING!

SHE IS 4 WEEKS TOMORROW!

PLEASE READ!!! ALL THE WAY THROUGH

Okay, so I hope you all noticed the new link at the top of my side bar. http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/bigd09/jpopst (I don't know how to do this link stuff to well) BUT PLEASE!!

I know the economy is bad right now, for everyone all over!!
We are all in this world together. In one way or another we all affect people around us, whether positive or negative our choices and decisions, do have an impact on those around us.

This is a very good cause. My children, husband & I came up with a very creative idea to help raise money for this GREAT cause:
We have discussed what is the something we can do? -
WE ARE GOING TO RECYCLE ALUMINUM SODA CANS and whatever redemptive value we receive we will make that our donation.

So see, even in a bad economy there are ways we can make a difference. People who suffer from this disease need us to stand in the gap!! WE NEED TO BE THERE FOR THEM IN ANY WAY WE CAN!!!

WHY DO YOU CARE MARIE?
well 2 reasons!

1.) A very dear Friend of our families is running the marathon to raise money.
2.) My 14 year old nephew(from my brothers side) is in remission right now from a very fast type of leukemia. He was diagnosed when he was just eight years old and has undergone numerous extenuating treatments. He has lost all of his hair, lost tons of weight gotten both back after much hardship endured. WE have almost lost him 3 times!! BUT THANKS BE TO GOD FOR HIS MERCY & THE KNOWLEDGE HE HAS GIVEN MEDICAL SCIENCE AND FOR PEOPLE LIKE OUR DEAR FRIEND & OTHERS who are not complacent. People who DO; as if it were for their very own!!
*I know this is sorta tugging at your heart strings but in your head you are thinking " I am barely making it. I don't have money. " etc. etc.
PLEASE take a look at your children, parents, spouses, friends and know that someone just like them are suffering the pain of cancer!!

ANY AMOUNT IS APPRECIATED!!!
It is ALL of us putting in our nickels, dimes and pennies that can make a difference!!!
* In closing I just want to share a thought that crossed my mind;
In the Bible Jesus said, "WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR THESE YOU HAVE DONE UNTO ME" the bible also says that one day He(Jesus) will tell us "when I was sick, you attended to me, when I was cold you, clothed me, when I was hungry , you fed me. When I was in need you helped me. WEll DONE"

honestly, even a $1.oo donation would help someones loved one. WE can all come up with at least one dollar, right? PLEASE DO WHAT IS TUGGING AT YOUR HEART! PLEASE!!
* A few ideas:
ask 5 or 10 people at your church groups, circle of friends, job sites to donate just $1.00 and donate in a group. Or set up a can at your desk. Pass the word along. There are lots of ways we can all do a little something and know that WE were each a part of something great!! talk to your kids about it. They are full of ideas. And it is a great project for school credit. Many schools here in California do a Character Counts Service Project as a requirement. Or for the younger kids as an incentive to be creative & care about the world we live in. LET'S SET A GOOD EXAMPLE!!
Let me know some of your creative ideas :~)
THANK YOU! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

See Josiah On Worship Team

Here is a picture of Joisah. Pastor says he is almost certain our church has the youngest guitar player in any church!! l.o.l

He is standing right under the spot light so you can barely see the guitar and can't see he is wearing a tie! He has a pick too and his guitar even has a homemade strap on it :)

He sings his little heart out!!!

HE LOVES TO BE JUST LIKE PASTOR!!!!!

On another-some what, sad note: I attended my very first funeral since Elijah died. It was my nephew Isaiah's grandma. She passed away. We drove all the way to Corcoran (a long 1 hour drive). Jonathan was with us- we talked all the way over there & read some bible verses. Steve stayed home with 'Si & just me & Jonathan went with mom. I had not even realized that I was going to a funeral for the first time since 'Lijah. (no clue I would feel so emotionally fragile).

I got to the tiny church, so packed with people. It was standing room only & people were still spilling out into the church yard. Today it was 78 degrees (crazy weather). Kids whining & crying all over the place and they were hot too; made me thank God 'Si didn't have to go through that.

I saw my nephew (8yrs. old) and he came and hugged me & mom. Then went with his daddy (Jonathan). The service started. I am not sure what all contributed to my emotional whirlwind going on inside of me that made me nauseous & shaky but I noticed I was staring at the flowers all around the casket and then started picturing 'Lijah's tiny casket. Grandma Carol's casket was white, just like 'Lijah's except much larger. I tried hard to shake myself out of this whirlwind.

I was sitting right by a side exit door. I kept wishing I could run out but for some reason it was as though I was paralyzed by something. Over & over I kept thinking "breath, get up & just walk out". I even thought of Susie, Kristy & Karen (women I have come to look to, in admiration for their strength to keep ministering through their grief). I thought about a blog entry from Susie; where she once wrote about how she would excuse herself from church services right after Joshua went to heaven. I kept telling myself, "EXCUSE YOURSELF! EXCUSE YOURSELF - THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE, JUST EXCUSE YOURSELF" but I couldn't move.

Finally the service was over and Jonathan motioned to me to lets go - I was more than ready.

We went up to say bye to Isaiah, his mom, uncles & grandpa. IT WAS HARD!

I hugged Isaiah and as I squatted down to tell him I was sorry that he was going to miss his grandma Carol. He looked at me and said, "Tia now, she is with your baby huh?!"(it was more of a statement but still had a sense of question to it). I squeezed his little shoulders and looked into his precious big eyes. With all the courage & strength within me I managed to half smile while fighting back tears. I just nodded and barely spoke out, "yeah!" making sure that I was smiling! I held him and told him I loved him and he said, "me too Tia, thank you"

Needless to say, I will not be attending tomorrow's burial services. I just don't feel strong enough to go. I told mom tonight and she really understood. Ugggh! I just wish I was strong enough to minister love & compassion to others in grief - I just can't seem to get there though!

PHONE- FUNNY

So last night we called Kayla to see how her project & report turned out. Josiah starts bouncing around all over the couch because he heard us say we are calling Kayla. Steve says, Kayla's moms name and Josiah starts clapping his hands saying her name over and over. Kayla gets on the phone and talks with daddy for a few minutes and Josiah is all over him trying to here his sissy's voice. After their talk daddy gives Josiah the phone and he talks to sister(just thrilled) when we start to tell him to say good night to sister and that we will pick her up next Friday his voice cracked a tiny bit - but he did good.

So now we are both giving daddy a back rub in the living room. Josiah gets bored of playing with the lotion. He goes to his room. After a long while, he comes back into the living room, sits (quietly) on the far back side of the couch. I should have known when he came "quietly".

Several minutes pass and he is still silent. My hand are full of lotion and we ask him a question or two every few minutes and he answers. We think, Oh okay so he is; just playing! (wrong!)

He had some how gotten the cordless phone and was pushing buttons. Daddy says, " Josiah you better put that phone back" (right. cause all you have to do is tell a two almost 3 year old what to do & they automatically listen right?)

My hands are still full of lotion and by now Josiah is sitting on daddy's legs(with the phone)
we here him say, "huh? huh?" I tell him, "Josiah hang up that phone"(I know- I know I should have just got taken the phone from him) BUT ALL YOU PARENTS OF TODDLERS KNOW about trying to finish up a task real quick - I was almost done & hands covered in lotion!!!

So, we here those automated voice operators talking and they say "The CRICKET(a cell phone company) number you are calling has been disconnected" Josiah's eyes widen & he gets this excited look on his face and says, "Mommy I call a cricket! I call a cricket!!" Steve started laughing (into the pillow) and I say, "Josiah stop playing with the phone" (I was trying to rub out ALL the layers of lotion, Josiah had poured on daddy's back) The kid is still pushing buttons.

Now, Steve says very sternly, "Josiah you better put that phone down or your gonna get a time out little boy!"

Josiah climbs off daddy's legs and sits farther away. Now we here him say(very quietly) "huh? I can't. No!" He pushed the speaker button, because we here the automated operator say "please hang up and try your call again" Josiah looks at us wide eyed (the I'm in trouble look) I am now starting to get up and Josiah pushes a button quickly, thinking he was hanging up the phone. He did not hand up so the operator again says, "please hang up & try your call again" He crawls behind the couch and whispers desperately, "I can't - my daddy say I in trouble" (operator keeps talking - Josiah pushing and pushing buttons operator keeps talking. Josiah says, "NO! STOP TALKING ME- I can't call you later! MY DADDY GET MAD" - "LISTEN", he yells "Listen to me -NO MY DADDY GET MAD - I NO CALL YOU BACK- NO!!! NOOOOOO!" I am putting the lotion away & Steve is getting up (we are both trying HARD not let Josiah see us laughing)
When Josiah (now very frustrated with this man- who is trying to get him in trouble) sighs in exasperation "UUUuugggggGggHHH, DADDY HE NO LISTEN TO ME!!!" throws the phone onto the couch and looks at me and says, "Me no call him back mommy. Me listen." looks at Steve pick up the phone as he sits on the couch- Josiah says "daddy gonna tell him!" SO... ... Daddy puts the phone to his ear and says, "Mr! Josiah not gonna call you back! You can't talk to Josiah no more he is only 2 years old & you better not tell him to call you NO MORE"

Josiah looks (wide eyed) very serious at Steve (the - so, there my daddy told you, look!) and says "he no call me no more daddy?" (Steve trying to hold in his laugh) "He get in trouble daddy? he no tell me to call him back later?" a very quiet "no" is all I could say (trying not to bust out laughing.

*WE THOUGHT THIS WAS VERY FUNNY & THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A LAUGH*

Here we are having carpet time at school! He loves the messy, goopy stuff. This is the pancake mix with water before we added the purple cool-aid. Today we made & painted "thankfulness baskets" out of cut apart egg cartons. When I asked him what he was thankful for he quickly shouted out, "Lee-La! me thankful for my "Lee-La"!!!!(so sweet :~) He cried so bad when she left on Tuesday night. My heart was mostly broken for my sweet girl; I remember whenever her sister was probably around Josiah's age and we would go to their home to pick Kayla up & her little sister would cry as her Kayla got in our car & we drove off. Kayla's eyes filled with tears as she looked back til we turned the corner. Now she is going through it again with ' Si & soon she will have to go through this again for her baby brother at her mom's house. These sweet babies are still young and don't understand what is going on. She called home from her mom's to check on 'Si Tuesday night- SHE IS A SWEETHEART.

I am so grateful because Kayla's mom really seems to understand, like once when I was pregnant with Elijah, We were on our way to get Kayla but were not near her school but passed a school with a similar play equipment and Josiah started crying & crying because he thought we had passed Kayla's school - not stopping to pick up his sister. I called Kay's mom and explained what had happened & she agreed to let Kayla talk to Josiah for a minute. Once she too had to call our cell phone because her sister was crying for Kayla as well.

One thing is for sure - "OUR GIRL IS SO SWEET"! (missing her so bad - wish she was gonna be here for Sat. when we go sell at the auction)

SCHOOL TIME

Josiah & I had school again. It felt like forever since we last had school, because of the long weekend & Kake being home!

We are still on the autum/fall theme & of course giving thanks. Our verse for the week is 1 Thessalonians 5 :18 "In everything give thanks"

It is so funny to here him try to say thessalonians he says "fetha-a-almiamamanoiance" too funny after two tries to get him to pronounce it the right way I just said, okay then just say in everything give thanks and then he laughed again and tried saying the whole verse once more and then said , "mama I don't know it too hard".

We played with pancake mix, water & purple cool-aid mix and played patty cake singing our new give thanks song.

We don't get to bring Kayla tomorrow because it is her moms weekend. So we will miss her on our family stuff this weekend. We might go sell at the local auction and she loves to go but she has never gotten to go & sell so we will really miss her. She & my mom are partners when it comes to selling!!! I know my moms already missing her, she called & asked are we getting Kay this weekend? & when I said, "no its her moms weekend" she sounded VERY disapointed:~(

I better go for now cause its school time for my 'Si!!!