CAN'T SLEEP... ... just thinking

Random Thoughts:
~ Tired
~ Beth's married - she looks SO happy :) I'm happy 4 her!(them)
~ A little bit of a head ache
~ Saturday night was fun
~ 2 more days till '5 months'
On our way to the rehearsal on Friday night - in the car listening to the radio; ever since Steve & I met. Every Christmas we decorate our tree while playing the Christmas Song 'Rockin Around The Christmas Tree'. It seems like this year[probably his age] 'Si seems to be more aware of Christmas. but even when we just had Kayla - this was our Family Christmas Song (it's our family tradition) any ways we were driving to rehearsal and the song started playing on the radio. I got all into it. Steve too was singing along with the kids - WE were ALL laughing & giggling when I turned back to look at them in the back seat - My heart sank & tears just rolled down my face - My mind SHOUTED at me: " 'Lijah's car seat should be in the middle of the two kids! - 'Lijah is not hear - this should be 'Lijah's first Christmas"
Oh my heart hurts - Miss you sweet boy - Miss your soft warm face & your little baby grunts :)

~ My little heart charm from Morro Bay is tarnishing - its not real but it has my 'Lijah's name on it & I get to wear it close to my heart. I love touching it.
We need to decorate your little spot my love
Ugggh! I am so mad that the stupid Head Stone Place is closing - NOW when are we gonna get your Marker!!!!
I wanna put your little hand print on it. Daddy agrees that it will be special. We will have to find another company to make you your marker sweet baby of mine! I am so sorry - but daddy & I did order it but we just found out the company closed - I guess they lost their business. That's why every time we go your marker still isn't there.
Kakee thinks of you even when she is at her other house - I know because she told me that the other day she was with her mom and she saw a tiny tree at a Christmas tree lot and thought it would be perfect for your spot. 'Si thinks of you so much too - He tells me he wants to hold you like Moriah. (that hurts) I know you don't know what I am saying - but Mommy just needs to talk to you so bad. 'Siah & Kaykee love you & miss you. They talk about you to me & daddy all the time. Daddy misses you too!
I thought of you so much on Saturday. Kito-Ben was here for the after party with his friends. It made me glad whenever I was walking by them and Corina was holding your picture, your "smart boy" picture! I realized that he does talk about you & it made me feel good to know that he has not forgotten you. We will never forget you. One day I will get one of those necklaces with your "smart boy" pictures on it! I am so proud that YOU ARE OUR "smart boy". If we could sweet boy - Daddy & I would make HUGE pictures of your "smart boy" pictures, FOR EVERY ONE TO SEE!!!!!! We are so very proud that you are our baby! I am missing you right now so much. I am glad you do not see mine & daddy tears. I am crying for you right now. I am missing you with such a deep -deep hurting in my heart. Tia Cindy told me (at the wedding) that Moriah looked like you - Daddy thinks so too & Mema(grandma - my mom) & Ya-ya(beth) do too!!!
Oh ELIJAH, My 'LIJAH!!! Daddy put pretty Christmas lights in your memorial garden and we laughed when he said, " 'Lijah probably says - Daddy your lights are nothing compare to all the beauty & lights in heaven"
Kaykee & 'Si were singing 'come & go with me to my fathers house - A big big house where we can play foot ball...' and Kay realized for the very first time that this song is talking about heaven & NOT church. she thought it was talking about church til 'Siah said "Lijah live in a big yard to play foot -ball for me & daddy to get to heaven - wanna play Leelah(kayla)?" See sweet boy 'Siah thinks of you ALL the time.
Our precious baby boy. I wanted to go to the ocean again for your 6 month anniversary - We told Kito-Bens Corina about it and she said she would like to send up balloons from the golden gate bridge for your 6months. That is a sweet idea... ... Maybe if we can go we will do it. It makes me feel so nice whenever I realized that Kito-Bens Corina knew about you baby!! She is real cute & sweet. I think your bubba ('siah) has a little crush on her :) I know from the way she talks & acts like she would have been at your celebration service & she would have loved you too. She is really nice!
O my little baby boy - I think of 'Shua (Oceana's bubba) & baby Asher & Issac and Little Baby Jacob & Baby Eva every time I look at the pretty puffy clouds up in the sky. We blow bubbles for you & all of them too :)
'Shua is gonna have a new baby sister and Asher & Issac are gonna have new baby brother or sister real soon and baby Eva is gonna have a baby brother. Daddy & I thought you were gonna be a big brother too - on Thanks giving Day- cause Mommy was craving chili with banana nut bread (i was so scared) but it was just mommies monthly symptoms & Tia Berba's(Minn) yummy chili. Maybe some day you will be a big brother but right now mommy & daddy are gonna wait for a bit. We are glad we have time to wait - we were so scared on that day. Mommy & Daddy are trying to look for the perfect Christmas ornament for YOU in case we get a Christmas tree - well we will get you an ornament any ways, but we got an idea from some friends - their oldest little boy hung his 2 brothers monies(pacifiers) on their tree. Daddy & I think that would be real special. I miss you 'Lijah... ... ... ... Mommy & daddy are helping out with the children's Christmas Pageant at church - We will be thinking of you. Tia Cindy will be leaving to Texas for Christmas on Friday. She will come back the day after 'Siah's birthday. Daddy's birthday is next Monday. He will turn 35 years old. WE MISS YOU 'LIJAH ~ love you forever bubba! ~love -u-4ever ~that's what WE say.

MORE THOUGHTS:
~ need ornament ideas
~ mema made 'Lijah a beautiful Christmas wreath!
~ Gonna miss my Cinda at Christmas
~ Miss Bernice
~MISS MY 'LIJAH EVEN MORE!!!
~ I love to blog - it helps me feel better
~ Hope mom comes over tomorrow
~ I wish I knew every time my fam. has thought of 'Lijah
~ Hope Kays not too sick
~ This weekend is her mommys weekend :( gonna miss her!
~ What should I do for Steve's B-day?
~ The JOY of THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH & SONG
~ YOU ARE OUR ROCK & FORTRESS
~ My hubby is my BLESSING!!
~ It was so nice to see Pastor P & Roseanne and the kids at the party today
~ Pastor P was too cute how he rushed the girls out of the way so his little 4 yr old Leah could see my board of bows & he pulls out a $ 20.00 bill and said, "pick any ones you like princess" that was way cute!! for a daddy to do & her momma was like, " wait!!!" l.o.l :)
~ THE AFTER PARTY 'family dance' was FUN!!
~ I loved that Selina was teaching me how to dance
~ She knows her stuff
~ On that note i'm going o bed