Elijah Nathaniel Douglas

PICTURES OF THE DOUGLAS FAMILY

2012-01-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

PICTURES OF KAYLA ANN DOUGLAS

2012-01-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

PICTURES OF JOSIAH STEVEN DOUGLAS

2012-01-15T20:11:00.001-08:00

PICTURES OF HALIAH HALLEILIE

2012-01-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

GOOD NIGHT FIVE, SEE YOU IN THE MORNING SIX YEAR OLD!!!

2011-12-26T21:28:00.000-08:00

* IM BEING AN EMOTIONAL MOMMY* TOMORROW IS MY BIG BOYS 6th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! SIX!!!! oh five you were tons of fun, having a five year old was a life long dream, fullfilled!!! For some reason id always think "oh it must be so much fun to have a FIVE YEAR OLD" Josiah Steven Douglas, (i know someday you will be able to read this, since youre learning to read so fast!) I am so proud to be YOUR mommy. as Ive told you many many times since the day you were born, "YOU ARE MY PRECIOUS GIFT FROM HEAVEN"

Having you in my belly for almost eight months and waiting to hold you, wondering who you would look like, what you would like to do, Daddy and I always asked eachother do you think he will have YELLOW(blond) hair or BLACK well we all know YOU HAVE (in your exact words to date) "Lello eyes and Lello hair" YOUR PERSONALITY AND HEART LIGHT UP MY LIFE AND SINCE THE DAY I KNEW YOU I HAVE LOVED YOU. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!
I cant wait to see how much fun we will have in year SIX of your life!! Thank you son, for loving Jesus with all your heart, for being such a happy boy but most importantly i thank you son because you always listen to Jesus and share what Hes pouring into your heart!!!

I know weve had our sad days and our bad days and our mad days too But 'Siah the best is yet to come and like we Douglas' always say: Phillipians 4:13 I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.
MOMMY LOVES YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY AND IM THE HAPPIEST WHEN YOU SAY, "mommy you are my best friend" I LOVE THAT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND SON!

C'mon BIG SIX LETS DO THIS!!!

Photo Card

2011-12-08T21:23:00.001-08:00

Picture Tree Christmas

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View the entire collection of cards.

An Exciting Milestone for OUR first born.... hes not a baby anymore

2011-11-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight after dinner, Steve walked into the dining room and says, "Siah put your shoes on son" Josiah smiles huge and says, "oh i know dad we're going on *spells(so Haliah doesnt cry)*
B-I-K-E!" Steve says no we're going to do a FATHER SON thing :) Siah smiles and I ask CAN I GO? Siah says, "mom you know you cant do any tough moves or stuff like boys do!!"

He PROUDLY walks out with his daddy and jumps in the truck!!! after quite a while they return and Siah is WALKING EVER SO TALL and says "MOM, THATS IT NOW, IM A REAL DINUBA WRESTLER!!! I'M A WRESTLER JUST LIKE MY DADDY AND MY NINO!!! and mom I can do this so dont freak out okay, im a tough kid and I'm a Douglas PLUS MOM REMEMBER, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH"

I'M PROUDLY, JOYFULLY, EMOTIONALY EXCITED!!!!! and i think i might cry at his first match HAAAHAAA

New Seasons, New beginnings; always carrying our Elijah in our hearts!

2011-10-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

This passed week, during a conversation with Kayla, she told me, "mom we need to update our Elijah blog, because I was at school and I was asked how many brothers and sisters I have and I came onto Elijah's blog and mom we have tons of great memories on here"

SO HERE WE ARE!!!!!

Kayla is 13 years old and beautifully breathtaking; it isnt just her apprearance but her character, personality and heart of gold. She loves God with all her heart. She has on several occasions reminded us of the techings of faith we raised her on in the past seven years weve been a family. She encourages us and inspires us to never lose faith, to always keep the hope and to trust that God has a very special plan for our lives! Kayla is an OUTSTANDING softball player and her mom has done a great job inspiring her to aspire and dream big.

Josiah is just about to turn 6 in December; he still has a growing passion for worship and plays his guitar on the church worship team. He is attending kindergarten and loves to play baseball, and every other messy loud BOY thing :) he has recently started to spend SEVERAL minutes in front of the mirror "fixing his cool spikes" YIKERS!!!!!

Haliah is now 1 and a half. She has brought so much laughter and joy to our mending hearts :) Haliah LOVES baby dolls. she loves to follow Pator Stela around :)

We are living in Dinuba, (NEW UNEXPECTED BLESSING IN DISGUISE)

*PICTURES SOON TO FOLLOW PLUS A BLOG MAKE OVER :)*

FEBRUARY 13th THREE YEARS AGO TODAY WE FOUND OUT ELIJAH WAS OUR PERFECT BABY BOY WITH HIS BRAIN OUTSIDE HIS HEAD. (ive gotta write in comment from ph)

2011-02-13T09:38:00.000-08:00

Its almost feb 13th... THREE YEARS AGO WE FOUND OUT ABOUT ELIJAHS HEAD.

2011-01-31T23:15:00.000-08:00

trying desperately to figure how to blog from my phone

2011-01-29T19:54:00.000-08:00

STILL HERE!!!! (borrowed computer... YAY)

2010-04-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have really missed blogging ALOT. I am able to access facebook on my cell phone but we still dont have internet in the house. WOW IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS ABLE TO BLOG. THERE ARE PROBABLY NO MORE FOLLOWERS OUT THERE FOLLOWING US SINCE WE HAVE SORTA ABANDONED BLOG LAND. Ha ha ha!!!

So, UPDATE:

STEVE- has been working since the middle of December THANK GOD!!!!
KAYLA - is doing well SWEET AS EVER!!!growing up :) She went to her very first Youth group outing at the end of Spring Break and IT WAS SUCH A MILESTONE FOR ME & DADDY!! our baby girls all dressed up going out on her first youth group outing (WTIHOUT US) She went to the ROCKIN WORSHIP ROAD SHOW MERCEY ME CONCERT and five other bands. After wards she went to a sleep over and was ecstatic as she retold all the events of the concert and how they went to go eat after the concert and didnt get back to the house till 2:00 a.m the next morning, and how she woke up at 9:30 and she was so excited. They brought her back at 1:00 in the afternoon and she was so excited.
JOSIAH - is still silly and busy as ever. We have taken him out of pre-school due to transportation issues. (a little bit sad ) But I have been doing school at home with him. He still mentions Lijah almost every day. and he cant wait for the new baby to arrive. He kisses my belly and talks to baby several times a day.

ME - very very very pregnant!!!! I have about three more weeks till the c-section. I have had a roller coaster of emotions preparing to have a HEALTHY live baby that is EXPECTED TO LIVE HERE WITH US. not having to think of funeral plans, TRYING to sort through all the emotions of receiving gifts and setting up the baby room which I STILL have a hard time SAYING "NURSERY" like if i'm not allowed. LOTS OF EMOTIONS that I have to try to justify to almost everone EXCEPT GOD, STEVE, and MOM!

We are very busy right now trying to rearrange all of our bedrooms to accomodate the new little one. I have had somewhat of a difficult pregnancy (again) all 3 of my pregnancies have been a bit tough. IM TIRED and we are still not done setting up the baby room. God has continued to be THE FAITHFUL GOD that HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN. We continue to TRUST and RELY solely on Him.

Right now we still are having transportation issues but WE KNOW GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

The doctor who delivered my precious Elijah is the same docor that is going to deliver this sweet baby. That has really made it much easier because he knows our history and he remember my sweet baby. That makes me feel good because I dont feel like he is being ignored.

I was BLESSED to have two baby showers and BOTH were a bit hard for me to go through and LOTS of people DID NOT UNDERSTAND how it was HARD, or how I " have not moved on" and how I can NOT "see this baby as a seperate blessing"
Maybe..... maybe its because they just arent able to comprehend I dont know, but it is so hard for me to know myself what and or why I feel "certain things" sometimes so I just try to no open up to other peoples comments.

I have really missed blogging. face book is different but this BLOG IS SUCH A SACRED PLACE, A PLACE I FEEL FREE TO SHARE ALL MY FEELINGS AND NOT GET JUDGED.

The one thing I am SO SCARED OF RIGHT NOW is ... in about 3 weeks I am going to have a new baby and I keep having these scarey thoughts of WHAT IF I DONT WANNA HOLD THIS BABY, WHAT IF I MISS MY SWEET LIJAH TOO MUCH, WHAT IF SEEING THIS BABYS HEAD CLOSED AND NO BRAIN SAC ON TOP MAKES ME SAD. AND THE OTHER THOUGHT THAT KEEPS RUNNING WILDLY ACROSS MY MIND IS.... " what if Elijah had lived? then this baby wouldnt be here and I honestly cant say WHAT that makes me feel but I FELL SOMETHING STRONG AND VERY INEXPLICABLE. WHAT IF I GET HURT FEELINGS WITH PEOPLES REACTIONS TO THIS BABY vs. how they reacted to Elijah.

At my 1st baby shower I had a very hard time opening gifts (we got mostly baby clothes and a stroller) I was sad because I didnt get to have that for my sweet baby Lijah but I was greatfull for the outpouring of love. At tthe 2nd shower it was also hard because both showers were at the exact same places where they made my Lijah shower(FUNERAL FUNDRAISER) so there were no cute clothes.

When I was pregnant of Elijah and we moved from Reedley to this house Josiahs crib fell out of the back of the truck on the highway so I thought Steve had gotten rid of it (since we knew Elijah wasnt gonna live here) and he acctualy had it in storage and recently we found out that the crib had been recalled but because the model numbers arent on the crib they cannot exchange it because we have no "proof " that it is the recalled crib. So I have been thrift store shopping for a crib and a changing table or a pack n play with the changer... ... looking for these items has been fun. The other day I became a bit frustrated because I havent found them yet and then I came to realize that I needed to be greatful that I am going to have a baby that gets to LIVE here with me. I remember saying over and over when I was pregnant with Elijah that I would give anything up IF ONLY he didnt have to go to heaven. So I resolved to not pout abut what I didnt have and be greatful for this new blessing. NOT 12 hours had passed when my phone rings and the person on the other side of the phone says they are sending us a baby bassinet!! Again GOD just being faithful.

BUT AGAIN... ... THOUGHTS OF LAST TIME vs. THIS TIME. Ugh it is such a struggle LAST TIME we were this far along in the pregnancy I was picking out burial plots and baby caskets, funeral outfits and wondering how I would manage to put a hat on his "SMART BOY BUBBLE", planning funeral songs and a euology for a son I wanted so bad to live, a child I carried in my belly for 9months plus two weeks and held in my arms for 25 and a half hours.
Last time my baby sister was pregnant 3 months behind me. My baby died hers lived. This time my baby sister AGAIN found out she is pregnant and has made a few "last time" comments not realizing how it cuts like a knife BECAUSE last time and this time are so painfully different.

SO YES I AM HAPPY WE ARE HAVING A BABY I MOST DEFINITELY AM!!! but I miss the one that I never got to bathe or bring home and rock.

Ive missed blogging mY SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS so even if all our blog friends no longer follow an abandoned blog I still cherish this place I hold so dear and miss visiting.

I will try to update in a few weeks ONCE I HAVE THIS BABY just in case anyone out there still reads our blog
IF ANY ONE WANTS TO FOLLOW US ON FACE BOOK JUST EMAIL US AT stv.mre@gmail.com and I will tell you how we can connect via face book, our FB account is private so email us :)

update

2009-12-17T12:29:00.000-08:00

Just taking a few quick minutes to say hello and that we are doing well. Pregnancy going well. The other day MoriahI see was over and she walked right up to me and gave me the biggest warmest, longest and most tender embrace ever..... as she put her precious little head on my shoulder I couldn't help but whisper into her ear, "OH I MISS YOUR COUSIN" and the tears just began to flow.

I cant believe how much I think of my Lijah EVERY time this wonderful little girl walks around my house. Every time I see her doing something new. Her beautiful smile.

Her and Lijah would have only been 3 months apart and OH HOW BUSY AND FUN it would be to see them both playing and laughing.

new baby news

2009-12-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

16 week ultrasound shows preciously, perfect healthy baby!!! we found out what we are having but some of you have sent us emails saying to keep it a surprise so if you wanna know check us out on FB

FYI

2009-11-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

just want to let all our BLOG BUDDIES know that we will not be renewing our internet service contract and it is up this week. I will try to check in on occasion at the library.
Because we will no longer be at home I will no longer be able to post pictures which includes the ULTRASOUND PIC'S we will get this Friday :(

* remember to pray for us friday (BIG ULTRASOUND/ IMPORTANT TESTS) & i hope I can get to a computer to let you all know if K, Si & Lij will be getting a baby brother or sister :)!!!!

SHINING BRIGHT!!! Pumpkin Gospel

2009-10-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

THESE ARE THE FINISHED PRODUCT

For Some reason these pictures loaded backwards and I'm so tired I dont have the energy to sit here and put them in order :)

He was curious about shapes

MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!! She's trying out her make up for tomorrow
Daddy & kids carving
WOOO HOOO Check it out !! We got the tops off

This stuff is gooey said Kayla & Si says yeah its so goofy

Look @ mine mom!

We started out the evening by reading a wonderful story book called THE PUMPKIN GOSPEL. I purchased at Berean's Bible Store last year after christmas. I paid a whole .75 cents for this WONDERFUL book.
It talks about how we are similar to the pumpkin; full of 'mess up's or sins' but when Jesus comes into our heart he cleans us up takes away all our messyness then puts his light in us for all to see.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING!!!

2009-10-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

we are getting closer to our appointment date.... I gotta admit I AM VERY SCARED!
I know that statistics say the chances of another 'cele' baby are almost none and I am thankful for that but then there is my age factor and the higher chances of having a baby with Trisomy something or other (they are almost all lethal) and that's what we are very afraid of.... another funeral.

And please, no comments like "God would never do that" PLEASE,,,
WE HAVE BECOME FRIENDS WITH A VERY DEAR FAMILY THAT HAVE 2 PRECIOUS BABY BOYS IN HEAVEN

I am so afraid. I am afraid of how I would just totally lose it or fall apart

Dr. Today

2009-10-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

We had to make a 'special' trip to see the OB today. I was having some scary symptoms, which started on Sunday as soon as we got home from church. Steve put me on BED REST (ick) :)

Siah had to go with us because the timing on the appointment would not let us get Si from school on time.

I wasn't expecting them to do an ultrasound (again) but She wanted to make EXTRA SURE our little 'THUMBKIN' was okay.

Steve was holding Si behind that corner curtain and just as Thumbkin apeard on the screen Dr. V looks over behind the curtain and says, "COME LOOK" and Steve gets up and walks over to the other side of me and Siah is in his arms and Dr. V looks at Si and says, "see your little sister or brother is dancing the macarena".........
(we hadnt exactky told Si... what we HAD told him was that we were praying for mommy's tummy to be okay and maybe Jesus would put a baby in my tummy is all we had told him)

I looked at him and his eyes were wide and he smiled huge and said,
Si: Mommy, Jesus did it, he did put a baby in your tummy Dr. finded the tiny baby!!
Steve, Smiling huge at our dancing baby :) YUP!
Me: Yes! baby boy Jesus put a baby in my tummy
Si: Uhu!!! I knew He would do that for me!!! (HUGE, GINORMOUS SMILE)
Dr V: Oh WOW you prayed for God to put that baby in there?
Si: YUP, IT WAS ME!!!!
Dr V: Oh okay well now you can pray for God to bring me a million dollars (laughing)
Si: Uh ... Mmm NO! (very serious)

That was too funny, SO NOW WE DONT HAVE TO WONDER HOW or WHEN WE WILL TELL HIM ABOUT 'new baby'

So on our way home Si starts making a mental list of ALL the things 'thumbkin' will neee andWE DONT have like : baby crib, baby clothes and of course A MONIE!!! LOL!!!

Evaluating My Life...

2009-10-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

So who am I, Who was I, Who am I supposed to be? These are just a few questions that keep running in my mind.
WHO AM I? I am a fighter. I do not give up, give in or quit.
WHO WAS I? I was a lonely single woman who had nothing of great emotional value or life's real worth, so I buried myself in my career because by that I measured my success.
DO I REALLY WANT TO TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME? No, absolutely not! WHAT AM I SERIOUS?!?!?! why did I ever let that thought cross my mind.
WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE? I am supposed to be the wife and mother GOD set me out to be the day I met my wonderful husband and my daughter.
I am supposed to walk in confidence that HE WHO BEGAN A GOOD WORK IN ME WILL BE FAITHFUL TO COMPLETE IT. I am supposed to set my eyes on that High calling in Jesus Christ; a life of love, faith , hope everlasting a life of forgiveness and mercy, a life of complete surrender to His will knowing that if I seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness He will Add all that I have need of.
I am supposed to be confident in HIS plan for my life and the lives of my children and direction for my marriage.
I am supposed to believe HIS REPORT!
I am supposed to think on things that are lovely, virtuous and praise worthy.
I am supposed to BELIEVE THAT I AM MORE THAN A CONQUERER IN CHRIST JESUS and that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!
I am supposed to walk as a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD a peculiar people set apart.

ENOUGH, IS ENOUGH I KNOW WHO GOD INTENDS FOR ME TO BE SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO ALLOW MY DAILY CIRCUMSTANCES TO DICTATE AND ROB ME OF THE BLESSINGS I SHOULD BE RECIEVING THROUGH WALKING IN OBEDIENCE OF THE CALL TO MINISTRY IN MY LIFE!!

I need to stand up under these trials knowing that GOD has called me to minister life to a people who need him! Enough allowing the enemy to intimidate me!!! Come what may, MY LIFE IS TO HONOR HIM IN EVERYTHING!

We have been given much, We know that Elijah came to our lives for a very specific reason and we have recently lost sight of that. I must live in the fullness of THAT CALLING AND STOP allowing fear and finances or economy or people to paralyze my thought process.

Josiah has been blessed with the love and talent of playing instruments and We as his parents need to encourage that.

THAT IS WHO I AM!!!! a prayer warrior, a believer, and intercessor, a compassionate friend, A Godly Wife and Mother. I have been given the wonderful privelege of being a step mom which feels more like a real mom!
THATS ME!!!!

Unexpected Waves ...the pain that surges

2009-10-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

It was 8:15 p.m. Siah was very tired and snuggling in bed. It has since been a little over 2 hours and my sweet boy is now starting to give in to sleepy eyes. He had been in bed for a short 15 minutes when I heard a very high pitched screamy cry. I ran to his room and as Steve came in right after me he turned on the light. Siah's eyes were filled with tears spilling down his precious little face. I hugged him and he pushed away and said, "we need to take Lijah something, I miss my Lijah baby" he held his throat with one hand and grunted, Oh mommy I dont know what to do? I am angry! Why Lijah had to go? How he will know I love him daddy?" then he breathed like a deep gasp then yelled, AaAAaaHHHHh! then he quickly covered his opened mouth and said, "what do I do? what do we do now daddy" I miss my Lijah baby!!!", "how do we give Lijah his monie, mommy?" [THE ENTIRE DIALOGUE WAS IN SOBS & TEARS]

(I have no idea how I managed to stay strong through this.... I did shed a very few silent tears though)

Steve went into our room and brought out Lijah's photo book and Lijah's memory box with his special hospital bracelets, a whisp of his hair, his shampoo and his monie.

We spent the whole 2 hours looking at pictures SIAH CRIED MORE!! and as he turned the pages of the photo book he asked, "WHY THEY DONT TELL ME MOMMY?" i had no clue exactly what he was referring to as we kept looking at pictures which start from July 9th for the 25 & a half hours all the way to the Funeral July 16th he was pointing at pictures and mentioning people who went to see "Lijah's cemetery"
then he asked if Daniel (singer @ church) went to see Lijah and I said um remember Daniel sang for Lijah and he nodded & answered a teary, "Daniel sang All creation I sing you are my everything and I will door you, holy holy holy is Lord God and mighty (The revelation song by hillsong??) then he almost named every one in church and as he asked if they knew his Lijah I pointed all the people out in the photo book.

After what seemed like FOREVER he agreed to let me tie up the bow on Lijah's memory box. Then we read the story that Kealoha read for us @ the funeral MOMMY PLEASE DONT CRY then we talked about heaven and then we read the book we were given by ANGEL BABIES - WE HAD An ANGEL INSTEAD.

Then he cried some more and insisted that Tia Berba "minn" should NOT have taken him away from YA-YA by Lijahs white crib. I tried to explain that Berba was loving him and holding him and I showed him the picture that Berba DID NOT take him away but that Berba held him to give Lijah a kiss. He began to cry even louder and said, "MOM BUT I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE" I DONT WANT LIJAH TO BE DIED, I LIKE HEAVEN BUT I WANT TO BE WITH MY LIJAH, MOM" and mom we should bring Lijah down but God dont let me to bring him and I dont hear the trumpet mom!"

I finally managed to get him to close the photo book and the story books but I could NOT CONVINCE HIM TO LET ME PUT LIJAH'S MONIE back in the memory box.

he asked me if he could please sleep with Lijah's monie, "please mommy I promise I will take care very good for Lijah's monie please"

So my sweet boy is sleeping with Lijah's monie, his black "rock"(electric) guitar he played at Lijah's funeral services and the Heaven story book.

But he would not fall asleep before calling, "MY YAY"(beth) on the phone to tell her how much he misses his Lijah real bad.....
* thanks Yay, & sorry u had to hear that so unexpectedly* LOVE U THOUGH!!!
THAT WAS I THINK BY FAR THE HARDEST THING I HAVE GONE THROUGH SINCE Lijah died. I mean back then we were very aware and expected to "feel" all that but today, today was a random day and aside from Si & I being feverish & chilled we were having a very good day!

I know I have been asked by some, "DO YOU THINK YOU OVER EXPOSED HIM AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE?" those people who ask that question obviously DO NOT KNOW HOW BRIGHT & VERY AWARE OF things Siah is. there really would have been no way to keep such a real part of our lives from him.

I have also been told that he picks up on the grief from US because WE HAVENT let[ it] go.... to those people I say obviously YOU have never lived 1 day in our shoes we do not press grief onto Si or K but it is a very real part of their lives just as well. We try to not let our children see us cry in excess but the tears are a real emotion we have.

Tonight was totally unexpected.

*HUGE SIGH*
I just wanna say a special thank you to all of you who have surounded us with love & prayers it has been such a trying year and a half. TO EVERY ONE IN OUR CHURCH WHO SURROUNDED US, TO YVONNE & THE ENTIRE HERNANDEZ FAMILY SIS ROSE for the food & Bro. Tony for the video & Motorcade service, Tina& Raquel Sorrondo, Samantha for singing, for Frank & Doug who stepped in and stood as pal bearers for Steve! Jimmy sor singing, Cassia for reading what I wrote, Allen for the beautiful plant that still blooms sitting on our front porch,ALL OF YOU I KNOW I should'nt have started mentioning names because so many of you made his life his memorial service SO PRECIOUS.

HYSTERIA - HILLARIOUSLY

2009-10-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

HILLARIOUS!!!!!!! Siah just put on his gloves to go out & play in the dirt..... I was buttoning up his sweatshirt & he SCREAMS @ the top of his lungs "AHHHH MY FINGER FELL OFF" & begins to cry hysterically as he jumps around like... he has ants in his pants. I grab his hand (while laughing) and fix the glove & the 'missing' finger!!

Instantly he stops screaming and smiles as he wipes his dirty face (blushing) ;) and walks out to the back porch.

* I STILL CANT STOP LAUGHING!*

Birthday Celebrations

2009-09-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Josiah attended 2 very exciting birthday party's this summer. Since those parties he has been asking when we are going to make him a birthday party. We told him we were going to try to make him a birthday party. Steve & I have been thinking of making his birthday party on December 5th, because we have always had bad weather and almost everyone is out of town on December 27th.

I began making a birthday guest list. We can't afford to have a party at a kids restaurant or a kids party place so we are praying for 'decent' bearable weather :)

I was doing fine! I am the party planner in my family so I was starting to look around at dollar tree for any BOB the Builder stuff, haven't found any yet but I will keep looking.

Moriah is turning one at the end of this month, and I have been bugging my sister to tell me a theme so I could make the invitations and get things rolling.... ..... well, yesturday she finally gave me the details I was wanting.

I was making Moriah's invitations when IT hit me like a ton of bricks - My ONE year old didn't have a big celebration (not here any ways).

We (his parents) went to the cemetery, blew bubbles, sang happy birthday ... ... ... BUT IT WAS NO HUGE HAPPY OCCASION; it was very emotional & we are happy that he is in heaven BUT I miss my little son!!!

Yesturday was one of Lijah's worship Partner's Birthday's and I couldn't get her momma out of my heart.

Her Zoe Beth turned 2years old yesturday. So for my friend Lyndsay that means 2 years that she has had to live here on earth with a heart string tugging heaven bound.

So the other night Steve & I were walkig through K-mart and I noticed myself looking toward the 'baby' stuff. We were walking towards the pull ups for Siah and on one side was the cute baby items like car seats, strollers, swings & diaper bags and on the other side was 12 - 18 months "BOYS" pajamas... I felt like I wanted to scream, like I wanted to cry, I was angry, I was sad - I just about could feel Lijah in my arms 1 year ago but now all I had was this HUGE EMPTY heartache. I didn't get to plan his 1st birthday and I didn't get to purchase him any 'BIG' boy jammies.

I said nothing. ALL this was going on inside of me while Steve & Si carried on about random stuff. As we continued walking towards the pull ups Siah said, "Oh look mommy - one for me one for Lijah" pointing to a package of Bob the builder sippy cups. I smiled at him and couldn't say any thing we just kept walking.

I was glad to be out of that store, when we were done.

It was just so wierd how on one side of the isle I was looking happliy & hopeful to what we are expecting in May and in the same moment I was broken by what we were missing & had lost.

A GIVE AWAY, I AM ENTERING

2009-09-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is my second giveaway I enter in Blog land. THIS POST is to make mention of Kristy's giveaway on her blog : www.boltebaby.blogspot.com [ON MY SIDE BAR UNDER ASHER & ISAAC]
Kristy is giving away a "miracle blanket" & I hope to win one for my blessing arriving in May!!!

* It is a special baby wrap that holds baby all nice & snug.... I WISH I HAD ONE FOR SIAH - HE REALLY NEEDED ONE I USED TO MAKE SPECIAL WRAPS OUT OF SHEETS FOR HIM :)

Kakie's Home!!!!!

2009-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

We are so happy to FINALLY have our sweet girl home!!!! She was at her moms for 3 weeks in a row!

It is so amazing how COMPLETE we feel when she is home. Last Night we went to get some shampoo & Stuff from K-Mart and then came home and hung out JUST US DOUGLAS'!!!!

We talked & talked & giggled & giggled, Daddy mowed the front & back lawns and today after Siah's soccer game we are gonna come home and go for a swim!!!! crazy weather we got our (last) heat wave this week and it was 104!! *HOT! HOT! HOT! Today is only gonna be 100 but still hot enough to go for a swim :)

~I woke up missing my sweet 'Lijah, so much today! Moriah's 1st Birthday is next month... ... My sweet boy could have been running around this house and him & Riah could have been play partners. I WISH... and for those who commented that [this new baby] will take our minds off Lijah - UH, NOT!!!! We seem to think of him so much more, especially since he very well could have been playing with Siah, Kay(getting into all their stuff :-) and when this new baby comes he would almost be celebrating his 2nd birthday!!!

I think alot, of sweet friends who have been blessed by His giving and taking Just like us - I wonder ... ... How often their hearts have ached for their Heaven babies while gaazing into their new babies eyes.

WELL, GOTTA GO MY PRINCESS JUST WOKE UP :) I LOVE THIS GIRL beyond words!!!!!!!!!!

The 3 of us are TRYING to squeeze enough time with her in such a SHORT weekend!!!

*SO- LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING VACATION, Christmas and Easter week!!
cause right now I can't seem to pry these 2 apart. Siah wont put one toe out that door without Kakie! & I WANT GIRL TIME!!!! :)

Our Pandora's Box

2009-09-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

The season is changing once again, With the new breeze blowing the chimes on our front porch and that very same wind blowing freshly washed towels and bedding on our clothes line in the back.

I stood in our back yard taking in the smell of freshly wet dirt from the first over night rain...

"if this is a brand new season, then why does this place feel So familiar? The pain in my heart, the reality of loss, questions running through my mind, overwhelming raw emotions.

I began to walk back up our back steps and to my right I see Elijah's Garden. The sky looks just like it did last year. My heart misses my sweet baby & I find myself in a day dream of what could have been. He would have ALREADY celebrated his 1st birthday, He would certainly be walking, actually he would be talking... ... IF he didn't have an ENCEPHALOCELE, IF he had only lived.

Is it possible to have a pain that will never fade, a pain that a smile or a laugh cannot erase.

Many changes have come our way. But none can take away what GOD chose to hand to US. We love in a different deeper way just because of 9 months of feeling him, loving him and wanting him and 25 hours and thirty minutes of holding him, watching him, hearing him all the while trying to find the strength deep within to say GOOD BYE.

In any second of any day I can close my eyes and I hear him, I smell him... So soft, so very warm - Your purplish- red 'CELE so heavy upon your tiny head, and heavy in my arms. Your little bare shoulders squared back as if you wanted to tell Me, "I'm okay mommy, I am okay"

Deep in my heart I knew, from the minute that I saw you, I knew we would not bring you home. I lived every single second of those short 25 hours and thirty minutes IN THE MOMENT.

In the moment I had you, In the moment we were together, In the moment there was no room for anything but Love... Beautiful, Honest, Pure, Sweet perfect Love!

Today is today. Same pain, deep deep inside my heart are the shattered pieces of my heart. A piece of my heart torn On February 13th, 2008 from knowing that despite your strong heart, your healthy organs and your perfect body; We would only wait till God decided it was the time.
On July 9th another wound to my already broken heart; despite all the prayer, all the faith, all the hope, I saw YOU brave sweet handsome you, perfectly fashioned by Gods hand, YOU. You were struggling to breath, you could barely grunt a few noises, You really couldn't cry BUT WE LOVED YOU & STILL WE wanted YOU.

25 1/2 hours later, July 10th 2008 our torn, broken, wounded hearts ripped with pain and a deep agony that only some have come to understand; As I fought so hard to keep my heavy tired eyes from closing because I wanted to see you take your last breath in my arms, And I did!

Now we begin this new season with a new hope and a new ache in our heart.
Finding out that YOU are going to be a Big Brother from that side of heaven is very bitter sweet.
I wish you could have been here! I wish you were going to be a Big Brother here, I hope that I have learned from whatever mistakes I may have made during the time I was carrying you. I hope to be a good mommy again, I hope I haven't lost in vain,

I hope WE (Me & Daddy & K & Si) will live up to whatever God is trying to do through us.

My heart is once again so mixed with deep emotion: Sad, Happy, Scared, Hopeful, Excited, Nervous.
Empty yet Full.

Before I found out "for sure" I was talking to a very dear friend I made because of YOU. I was telling her that I thought I might be pregnant and we began to share all the what if's that were spinning in my mind.

One of my biggest fears is LOVING & LOSING again. But I would do it ALL over again BECAUSE of You.

The next thing on my mind as I began to share with this very special & dear friend was a very deep concern. I am going to blog this very private thought because I hope that every person who reads this will stop & think twice before ever letting such silly hurtful words come carelessly out of our mouths ever!

I once heard a woman who had been through pregnancy loss in her own life, utter the words,
"I just wish she would miscarry" referring to another woman who was pregnant a few short months after having her 1st child.

Regardless of what marital, financial or spiritual status, I hope we can all remember that though well intended our words can sometimes cut deep and leave a scar. We are not the Author or Giver of life. Many times we think we see a mistake BUT only God knows the TRUTH of it all.

As our conversation unfolded I asked my dear friend what her thoughts were. She was honest in saying she was concerned and I am glad to have a friend like her in whom I have been able to confide in. She gives me strength to laugh, Courage to keep hoping & words of wisdom & encouragement that keep me grounded. I am blessed that you joined us along this journey.
*[you know who "you" are ;-) ]

This is our Pandora's Box another journey down this path set before us. We do not know what tomorrow holds but we know WHO holds all of our tomorrows & because He lives, We can face tomorrow.

The Handsome Stranger From My Past...

2009-09-10T05:32:00.000-07:00

On Sunday June 27, 2004 I was standing in a sanctuary of about 1,000 people. We were all ready to begin a Worship service where we knew God would once again show Himself as; Faithful, Wonderful and Worthy.

I was in this particular service with my eyes fixed only on My Savior & My Redeemer because I had recently been involved in a very rebellious, ungodly, and painful relationship.

I was certain that I would not let anyone ever come between me & Jesus ever again!

I must admit, as the worship service unfolded I noticed a very handsome and friendly stranger standing right beside me. He was clapping and singing songs as if he was really enjoying himself!

With my pen, study journal and bible in hand I turned to the passage where Pastor Rod Haro preached about Gideon.

Once the service was over I noticed that the very handsome stranger was at the Alter.

This Handsome Stranger became my boyfriend on Tuesday, August 18th and we were married a wonderfully short 7 months later, Saturday March 5, 2005.

(he proposed to me in front of the entire church on the very Alter where he came to know Jesus)

THIS MORNING I SAW THIS VERY HANDSOME STRANGER STANDING IN FRONT OF OUR BEDROOM DOOR, AS I OPENED MY EYES AT 5:00 a.m. this morning!!!!
(I couldn't help but smile HUGE :o)

If you have been following this blog for any length of time you know we began blogging our daily journey as we travel through whichever storms, struggles, trials and triumphs that God upholds us through. This blog started after February 13th when we found out Elijah would be born in July of 2008 and all too soon leave us for Heaven.

Since that day we have been through so much!!!! Although this journey has been everything but a tip toe dance through the tulips. Our eyes haven't always seen too clearly what The Lord has in store. It hasn't all felt very soft and velvety BUT, WE KNOW HE IS WITH US. We haven't always felt Him!! BUT WE know HE has never left our side.

In His Timing and His Way and Through His People, we have been blessed. We were able to get our Jeep out of impound.

Today Steve started a side job for His Uncle. This morning I woke up and there in my bedroom door stood a very handsome stranger from my past. "Thank you Lord, for daddy's shoes for Tio Rey & Nina to give daddy shoes that work. And thank you Lord for the Jeep come out of jail AMEN!!!, JOSIAH PRAYED LAST NIGHT!!

Isn't it amazing what ONLY GOD can do!!! Steve looked so Handsome this morning. He smelled yummy too!!!!
Thank You Lord.

our life

2009-09-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

Wondering how it is that we are supposed to "count it all joy"? Have come across people who are familiar with our struggles and they say "COUNT IT ALL JOY"(from the bible). Then there are the comments like, "GOD HAS A PLAN"

You see I was raised in church, my parents were Pastors. I accepted Jesus in my heart at the age of 8 yr. old. Lived all my childhood and my adult life (EXCEPT for 1 'rebellious' Year) serving in the church and having a very fruitful relationship with Christ.

NOW, what keeps running over and over in my head is that part in the bible that says: "AND THE CHILDREN WILL PAT FOR THE SINS OF THE FATHERS(parents).

My Siah is pretty much traumatized, too much stress and hardship for a little 3 year old!!

Last night we were going on a MOMMY& SON drive to wal-mart to get milk and he had $3.00 my mom gave him to but his NEW favorite "hot wheels"!

The light on the license plate was out, I got pulled over by a Police. I got a ticket for not having my current drivers license or the registration & Insurance in the car (the day we stood in the fod line the registration was the only thing we had with us as proof of address) and Steve had forgotten it was still in his pocket.

As soon as Josiah heard the officer say ticket He began "WHALING" I tried to comfort him and he said he was so scared. I told him it would be okay then The officer came and said, WE ARE GONNA TAKE THE CAR. The whaling started again(the officer didn't even acknowlege Josiah was scared... for all he knew I could have been an abductor & he didn't even talk to Josiah even after I told the officer my son is very scared and he has had a rough past year can you explainto him that Policemen are nice & just making sure everyone is safe? the JERK just shined his lihght in my face and said, UM YEAH than you maam for understandin my position NEVER looking at Josiah)

So now our JEEP is in jail ;) and we have to figure out how we are going to get it out cause it costs money. Monday is a holiday and Tuesday Steve is supposed to start his 1st day of work. Josiah has Pre-school picture day @ 8:30 in the morning!!! and his 1st scrimmage on Tuesday night before the BIG game on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEEE! I WONDER WHY I FEEL SO UNMOTIVATED & DEPRESSED?!?!?

Crystal Beaded Bracelets...

2009-09-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

My heart was so heavy for Kakie's family. I wanted desperatly to do "SOMTHING" for them. I am so glad I have always been such a pack rat ;) about 8 years ago when I lived in my apartment, I had begun to collect scrap booking supplies. stickers, ribbons, beads, letter beads, glitter decals and paints & stencils & paint brushes. Every now & then I would let Kayla get into my box & let her make stuff. Last Christmas she got her very own Card Making kit & I had forgotte all about my BOX.

I found the most beautiful whitle glass beads and the perfect dangling red heart.... I was scrambling through the box cause I couldn't just send one bracelet for Kake how about her little sister Ashley?!?!

Thank God I found just exactly what I needed & this morning Steve went to meet Kakie & their fam to give Kay & Ashley the cutest rememberance bracelets and a card for each of them.

NOW, i am here at home with fancy little Moriah. She is sick & not allowed to be in "baby-college"

her moma is on her way from having court this morning.

Kito Ben took Moriah to the Dr. & I met him there to bring her home with me cause Kito-Ben has a dr. appointment.

I am truely blessed, to have family that always tries to pull together (FOR THE MOST PART) but we have our "moments" jsut like everyother family.

For now I am sitting in a SPIC & SPAN HOUSE doone by my sweet heart. He is with my mom @ a rummage sale & donation place then they will pick up Si & come home.

ME & Riah are just chillin in a cool -"CLEAN" living room listenining to lullabies!.

I ambeginning to wonder who likes lullabies more, ME or the kids????? I THINK ME :)

Our Kakie Is In Mourning......

2009-09-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

We just got off the phone with our sweet girl! Her cousin just lost her battle with cancer. So much death that my sweet girl has had to face in such a short time period.

She will be staying at her moms again this weekend. I spoke with Janet and told her they would be in our prayers. Please pray for her Sister who is the mother to Bree (Kay's cousin).

Oh my heart just breaks for them all. She was a just two years older than our Kakie.

Also pray for Kay's grandma(Janet's mom).

There just aren't any words............ Oh what hardships my little Princess has had to endure.

And it keeps on comming...

2009-08-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you who might be fed up with my recent postings.... .... ....PLEASE DON NOT READ THIS ONE EITHER cause it isn't any better than this whole past year. SO many other bloggers who have lost a child have such beautifully encouraging posts to share. Posts that uplift and build faith in the readers.

MINE, not at all it has been one thing after another after another and I seem to have less & less good to share than any one out there.
I CERTAINLY AM NOT POSTING TO GET PITTY NOR ARE MY POSTS INTENED TO MAKE MY BLOG FRIENDS THINK I AM ASKING FOR A HAND OUT
* i just wanna say whats on my mind:
We got NO CHECK from the welfare in the mail today! put in our last $ 2.00 in gas to get SI to school. Went to pick him up and we ran out of gas about 2 miles from home. I know 2 miles is nothing BUT it was long & hot for Si.

When he asked me why we were stopping, I said, "the gas is running out" he immediatley prayed, "thank you Lord for our gas dont run out amen" (Silent tears flowing down my face under my sunglasses)
I put the jeep in park and afterabout 1 minute he said, "okay mom lets go cause its hot"
when I told him what run out of gas means, he started crying really loud and then I said baby we are okay we will just go for a walk and he cried out I dont want are jeep to die. I unbucked and said baby our jeep is not dying we just gotta get money and put gas in it and then it will turn on. SO I took him out of his car seat and with a furroughed brow and a deep sigh he said, "LORD YOU NO GOOD NO MORE". I hugged him and i said baby maybe Jesus just wants us to go for a walk & hear the birds. We wiped away his tears and then Like a little man he said, "mom make sure all the doors are locked".
We walked home facing the sun and I made it as fun as I possibly could by singing songs, counting trees, cars and "reading" signs we passed(not letting him notice me wipe my tears).

His tiny little legs were so tired(after a busy day at preschool) I carried him whenever I could but he is getting so big now.

The hardest part was when we passed Mc donalds andhe said mommy lets go play I said not today baby then about a block further we passed the donut shop, subway, chinese, the smoothie store and he just looked up at me and asked, "no money huh moma" with a huge knot in my throat I managedan Mhhuh eith a nod and about three blocks further very close to our house we were right in front of a mexican restaurant that we have gone to onvery special ocasions and he said, "momma i got a good great idea - we should go on a date and tell daddy to dont have a fever and we could have a date and eat chips & salsa and you & daddy can eat a PEPSI, we should! you want to momma" I said no baby daddy is sick and its too hot out hear and he said, "momma and we don't got no money for gas or for a date huh moma cause Lord say no"

I picked him up one last time and said, " baby lets count how many numbers till we cross this big street" "we ran across the street in 18 - 7" he said! I put him down we were all sweaty and hot and now daddy had to get up and walk back to get the jeep & pray that $1.65 in change will get the jeep home.

Oh and we had a deadline for a "certian bill" and we got it extended till today at 5:30 and now I know we will lose that too!

And I'm sure it will keep on comming.... rent, soaps, toilet paper ... all things we have no money for not to mention gas for transportation

I was so proud of Steve though when I told him what Josiah had said he called him from his room and picked him up into his arms and sat on the couch with him and said, "son - you know how you prayed for the jeep to not run out of gas? (si nodded) Well son daddy wnats you to know thet The Lord is ALWAYS good baby boy its just that He was probably busy sending miracles to other people son. YOU know how we always get miracles and blessings and He always helps our prayers well maybe today was someone elses turn son. BUT HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND HE IS GOOD! Si said, "okay dad but he should have helped us today because today we dont have gas & no more quarters" Yes son but HE IS HELPING US OKAY steve said. " okay dad I understand"

I was in the kitchen making up somthing for lunch and I just had to smile
I TRUELY DO HAVE A WONDERFUL FATHER FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!!! we are blessed

HUMBLE PIE

2009-08-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Steve & I stood in a food bank line for 6 and a half hours today. We made ourselves useful & collected plastic water bottles to recycle for a little bit of cash. Once Josiah was out of school we made it into a game "collecting & counting empty water bottles".

He behaved so well!!! My sweet boy. All the while there was a girl in front of us, pushing a stroller with her son, named "Elijah" who was born on July 10th.

I cannot begin to say how many times I was asked is he(referring to Si) your only child? Only to be followed by comments like, "AWWW you are so mean! he needs a little brother" or, "you don't like kids? is that why you just have him?

LIFE IS PAINFULLY CRUEL sometimes and for us it has been for quite some time now!

So today we had our full helping of humble pie!!!

*(since I have already received several emails asking how it is we have internet if we are in such a financial bind; to answer that question once and for all - we have internet because it came with our TV service on June 11th when the digital transition took place. AT THE TIME I STILL HAD A JOB SO I TOOK THE DEAL, but our utilities are being shut off one at a time and very soon I will not be blogging or getting on Face Book. hope that satisfies the curious questions :)

Oh and just in case you were wondering YES, STEVE IS STILL "looking" for WORK.
and NO I don't think we are mismanaging our finances, cause we don't have finances :)

BUT for those of you who see us on a day to day basis WE WILL KEEP THE SMILES ON OUR FACES & NOT bring up our saddness of missing Elijah "because, WE ARE BLESSED" and we wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.....

"HOW DEEP, GODS TOUCH"

2009-08-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

"T'is so sweet to trust in Jesus... HARD, yes VERY HARD & PAINFUL TOO! (in the flesh) but so sweet & refreshing to our souls when in the middle of the raging storm we hear Him whisper softly "I AM"! AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE....

I am about to share something I was going to keep to myself, but I truley believe with ALL my heart, mind & soul that SOME ONE NEEDS to hear this:

Some of you may know what I am about to share to a more personal level but for THE MANY who DO NOT know "HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH"here it goes:

I have been so transparent (maybe too much at times). I have written ALL my frustrations, my hurts, almost every emotion.

so this is to share what I have just learned through prayer time (just now)...
Steve & I are on this blog because, on Feb 13, 2008 we found out Elijah had an illness that would take him way too soon. I never knew that morning "HOW DEEPLY GOD'S TOUCH" would come upon our lives and change forever the course of our lives in every way.
With that news I became so devastated, although I remained strong fro quite some time. My prayer life changed, my faith changed, my marriage changed, the way I viewed things changed, my kids changed, my friendships & family relationships changed. Soon it all began to become evident in every area of our lives that GOD was doing "something BIG", something painful yet so precious.

You all know this road has been so hard (to put it mildly)
BUT TONIGHT!!!! Tonight during a moment of intimacy with MY LORD, MY SAVIOR, MY JESUS.... He revealed to me "HOW DEEP, GOD'S TOUCH".

See YOU ALL have read that we are in such a deep, desperate financial crisis!
THE AMAZINGLY, WONDERFUL NEWS is that tonight, as I was laying with 'Siah and praying he fell asleep. I wept before GOD, in my spirit & HE GAVE ME A GLIMPS of "HOW DEEP GODS TOUCH"
I am not saying IT is all PERFECT! On the contrary; because

Steve is still getting really great job leads with high recommendations, Almost a guarantee by people who do the hiring! AND YET, no job!! = "HIS TIMING"!
I am dealing with an overwhelming load of emotions that it has started to inhibit my ability to function to my fullest capacity in many areas of my life = ???
'Siah is processing and dealing with the reality of DEATH at such a young age = ???
Kay is dealing with our sitaution, and having quite a difficult time doing so (on top of "THIS" she also has an entirly different life she lives at her moms & by the way her little cousin is fighting cancer *(PLEASE PRAY FOR JANET'S NIECE) = ???
Our marriage of only almost five years has endured so much stress, grief & heart ache that I often wonder HOW we are still woven so tightly together!= "HIS WILL"
This house we are in is a miracle in itself because we have been behind on our rent for so long now that IT IS ONLY BY HIS MERCY that we still have a roof over our heads and a home in which our K & 'Si are able to sleep safely. I pray every night & morning for God to Please touch our landlords heart so that he doesn't come to give us another notice & we still don't know if tomorrow morning we get it but for now we have a place = "HIS MERCY"
Our transportation situation is, a plain miracle of God that it is still mobile and how it passed smog is beyond me. = "HIS PROVISION"
Our utilities are being paid by the income I am able to bring in, but I have been on a medical leave for 2 weeks = ???
In Kay's very own words to us last night with tears all over her precious sweet face, "but it is one thing after another and on top of those things more stuff and more stuff just keeps piling up on us and we are all so hard! It is so hard" = PAIN for us because we have no answers

But tonight, Tonight I was given some kind of hope, of truth that I can't even seem to fully comprehend myself & as I try to explain it I just can't say it plainly and I know my grammer is just horrible but, I MUST write how, I KNOW that ALL that we have gone through, all that we don't have, all that we have lost; GOD IS, THE I AM! just like it says in the bible.

GOD HAS TOUCHED OUR LIVES SO DEEPLY and for this and through this we will be renewed and He will restore to us the Joy of our first love! He will make a way where there is no path, He is mighty to save, He is with us in the valleys, His Touch will keep us, His love is amazing!!

*I will not fear of tomorrow for you are with me your rod & your staff they comfort me.
* In my weakness You are strong.

Thats all :D much love to all of you who continue to love & support us with your kind words on this journey & I am anticipating how else Christ will prove himself so real in the lives of my children, my husband and myself!
HOW DEEP GOD'S TOUCH = ? or !

Josiah's 1st day of school

2009-08-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Josiah, on his 1st day of school!
this is the school office I used to work in when I met his daddy. I worked here until Josiah was born.

So having 'Si go to school here is like taking him to an extended family's place cause I worked with all the teachers & staff from 1999 to 2006 :)

My only "real" concern is that (HE WILL BE SO COMFORTABLE & FAMILIAR WITH THE SCHOOL & ALL THE STAFF THAT HE WILL FEEL SO FREE TO WANDER AROUND CAMPUS)

through the eyes of my Pre-schooler!

2009-08-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

My heart is so heavy..... (so what's new?) It seems like right when I take a step forward then its one or two in the opposite direction.

My heart is so heavy for my precious 'Siah.....

He has been playing "DIE" alot these past four or five days & talking about "SPECIAL CRIBS", "HEAVEN", "SEE GOD", and making us all take turns "DIEing".

He asks very politely and pleads that we (me & K) play with him. Steve is WAY SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE with this and Kakie is a little bit too, but we (she & I) follow along with him because the grief counselor told us that this is his way of processing & dealing with his grief.

It just hurts and is very hard for me because it feels so Sad & even makes me a bit angry(too be quite frank); WHY? there's that question again... The question with no "real" answer or no answer that really helps me out! WHY US? WHY MY BABY? WHY MY 'SI & K? why??!?!?!?

Cause, "you guys are so brave"; cause, "God knew you could handle it"; cause, "some one else needs you to understand them";

JUST SO NOT FARE, I wish we weren't going through this. Wish I was busy with a 1 year old and tugging him along to take his big brother to his 1st day of school. BUT instead GOD SAW FIT that my 'Si & my sweet, precious K deal with a whole lot of DEATH!! and I have no 1 year old & 'Si & K have no baby brother(HERE)!

* HUGE KNOT IN MY THROAT AND TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE(again)!! and my two little blessings are sleeping together... just the 2 of them cause their bubba is in heaven.

tonight - 'Si said, "kayla, lets die together and I be with you" he jumped on the couch with her and they both closed their eyes then 'Siah screemed out, "GOD!!! oh, GOD I MISSED YOU!! WE ARE HERE GOD!!!"
Kay joined in (laughing and saying GOD we are here and she was going on and on repeating the same thing) then out of no where he got off the couch very matter of fact and said, "okay- mom we are down now. Kay, no more GOD, lets color"

STEVE hates for him to play this but that lady told me to let him feel safe to express himself that it is healthy for him.

UGGGGHHHHHHH, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Day At A Time...

2009-08-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

trying to live & breath just one day at a time

JANAE & TATA & Logi

2009-08-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

oh my girls!! I LOVE YOU TOO SO MUCH!! sorry we didn't pick you girs up on the week we told you but Uncle Steve's dad passed away. I dont have your mom number babies BUT WE MISS YOU ALOT you girls can email us at stv.mre@ gmail.com When do you guys go back to school?
Oh girls you made me smile tonight!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS & LOGI BEAR TOO!!

STRUGGLING

2009-08-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

so tired of the climb!!! life is so hard! so unfair! & yet has such sweet, sweet moments; just that today for some reason is just plain TUFF!

Steve is still not working! I had a Pastor tell me to coninue to
~TRUST in The Lords DIVINE plan for our life~

But it is just bothering me that people (my brother) is talking about steve, "WELL IF STEVE WOULD JUST GET UP & GET A JOB......."

why is it that the SWEET RREASSURING WORDS seem to fade so easily & yet the negative leaves a lasting sting that just lingers on and on.

Being broken just doesn't "feel" good! I guess I should think of how my Lord felt while taking "MY" punishment on that cross!

"LORD BE MY STRENGTH TODAY"

July is almost over

2009-07-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Kayla was at her moms house for his B-day.

WE BLEW BUBBLES & SANG HIM A VERY TEARFUL "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO 'LIJAH"

Mom & Minn & Maddie came out, It was way too hot for Beth to come with 'Riah

July is almost over and the weather is starting to change.... to autumn weather OKAY NOT THAT MUCH, but the night skys are looking orangier(if thats even a word)

and I am still trying to be whoever I am supposed to be now - 1 year later.

ITS NOT AN EASY ROAD AT ALL & I COMPLETELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "HIS" PLAN (right now).

We are living everday as best as we can. We have good days but then there are some VERY HARD days!!

HAPPY 1st Birthday!!!

2009-07-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

~Memories~

If we could have a lifetime wish

A dream that would come true,

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

FOr yesturday & you.

A thousand words can't bring you back

We know because we've tried...

Niether A thousand tears

We know because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

And Happy Memories too...

BUt we never wanted memories

We only wanted you

(unknown)

Our hearts are so painfully torn.

We know the truth of heaven but it just doesn't

give us YOU!

We wanted to see you crawl, walk, roll

We wanted to sing Happy Birthday to You

I wanted you to say Mama

Josiah wanted to have a bubu to play with

Kayla wanted to hold you more & more

Daddy wanted to carry you upon his shoulders.

WHY? you had to go.... I just don't know!

My life will forever be changed because there was you.

HOW?, I'd like to know!!!

2009-07-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

From all you FAMILIES who have traveled down this similar path we are walking, OR ANYONE SENSATIVE ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP US WITHAN ANSWER:

How do we survive this 1 year bitter sweet anniversary. It feels almost as unbearable as the night we found out "the diagnoses".

I have been having such a hard time with this! Steve is as well and on top of Elijah's life & death nonw he is also grieving his dad!

We know all the scriptures - He will never leave us nor forsake us, He will strengthen us... etc.

but knowing them doesn't take away the sting of death. I know He is in Heaven but iot cuts like a knife knowing we will not be blowing candles!

Sure, I know WE CAN but He's NOT here!!!

It's like all the anger is just comming up again. I thought I was passed the anger!

(tears streaming down my face.... I've been like this for about 2 weeks now & it continues to get worse).

What PAIN I must endure - It feels like it is killing me but yet I do not die.
( i know sounds a bit over the edge... but really it's not it's just reality)

I know we are loved & We thank you all for loving us through this year and a half

IT JUST HURTS SO BAD!!! WHY???????
and NO please don't say it's cause God knew we could handle this or because I am so strong because I'm not!!! NOT AT ALL!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO BAD!?!?!

I know we have no idea who still reads this blog but if you are reading this and you can share any type of ideas on how to deal with this or if you have known some one with similar pains of the 1 year mark PLEASE comment & let us know what we can do to cope or what you did to cope.

Part of me wants to be ALL ALONE then I get scared and feel like that would NOt be the thing to do. Part of me doesn't want the kids around and then instantly I feel so empty at the thought of not having them by my side.

I have contemplated (if $ were not an issue) #1 taking a drive to the coast.
#2 going to disney land, #3 going camping at Bass lake.

Then I come back to reality and I realize we will have to stay home (in town).

So we will go to the cemetery. WILL WE?
I will cry. WILL I?
We will watch his life video. WILL WE?
We can do some gardening in his memory. WILL WE?
We will remember! YES, that we will do! Remember.

Oh but how I wish to be back in that 25 and a half block of time.
To hear him, to touch his soft skin, to smell him. To look at him without blinking.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

2009-07-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Friday we celebrated 4th of July. We had friends & Family over for a BBQ. Saturday morning we had to take Kakie back to her 1st momma's. Steve stayed home to RELAX... He worked SOOOO hard getting the house ready for company.

There is an Old Fashion Country Store on the corner of Jensen & Clovis Ave. Called Simonian Fruit Co. the outside is decorated with all kinds of early 1900 agricultural farming equipment including an old 1900 crank up Mac Truck.

Growing up in the Central San Joaquin Valley & not being a boy; I guess I have taken that place for granted. During October it serves as a pumpkin Patch with a hay ride and all. During December it serves as a tree farm including Christmas carroling and hot cider.

I guess other than those two holidays it was not an eye catcher for me but Josiah on the other hand has noticed this place more than once as we pass it on a weekly basis to take sister home.

We had just dropped K off with her mom and as we drove out of the parking lot 'Siah asked, "Momma please can we go see all those tractors & trains?.... some day momma?"

As the light turned green, without answering him a single word I turned and went into Simonian Fruit Co. Parking lot. He squeeled with excitement, "TODAY? MOMMA?!"

We got off and I let him lead the way! We were there for WELL OVER 1 and a half hours. We went into the old Red caboose and explored and took pictures, he got on a 1898 Harvester, he left absolutley no piece of equipment unexplored. then we went inside the country store and looked at the model train that goes around the entire store.

By the time we left he was covered in grey from all the dust on the farm equpment he tried out!

I had left the camera at home notthinking we would be doing anything - so I had to take pic's with the phone my dad gave us; so now I just gotta figure out how to get those from the phone :)

I AM SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE A MOMMY & 'SIAH DATE!!! (It had been since April that I started working that I had not had any 1 on 1 quality time with him)

I miss him so much!!! I might just be emotional cause Elijah's 1st B-day is this Thursday but everything is making me cry.

BUT I AM HAPPY BECAUE OF A WONDERFUL WEEKEND & I KNOW GOD WILL STRENGTHEN US through this weekend comming up!

THRILLED!!!

2009-07-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Beth (ya-ya) & Tony took my kids since this morning for a Nina & nino date :) they were supposed to go watch ICE AGE @ 2 O'clock this afternoon. Steve just called. It is 4:30 and Tony called him to tell him the kids would be late because they are just now going in to see the movie!!
WOOOOOO WHOOOOO! do you know what this means!!!
#1 a quiet ride home :)
#2 a good 30 minutes to talk to Steve UNINTERUPTED!!!
#3 I will be all relaxed by the time the kids get home :)

I'm such a simple girl to please!!!

Blah!

2009-07-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

just feeling blah, sorta draggin and heavy hearted. It hasn't even been 1 year since we had Elijah nad now Dad, Ugh! I talked to my dad last night he had been worried about us. I am having these real wierd moments of PANIC about who's next!!

AND this economy is way out of wack too! Steve still can't find a job and this is fruit harvest season - we have all kinds of people picking fruit YET NO JOB for HIM!

I believe in faith but I think my faith is running on fumes right now.

our welfare check was cut as well as so many other things here in California, and we were just starting to feel like we were climbing out of this hole. IN MY HEART I AM SCREAMING 'I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE'

It has been one storm after another, after another and then they just keep comming!!

I know we are blessed but our landlord can only wait so long!!! and every 30 days a new rent is due. we have been giving him weekley payment s to try to catch up but it seem like we are sinking in quick sand.

I told Steve last night, "you know I just want to give up" and he looked at me and said "okay we give up and do what?"

I dont know but I sure am tired of always living on the verge of losing it all!!

I SURE DO NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS & hugs would sure be nice. Steve asked me to take the kids to my sisters so he could have some time alone. HE IS SURE MISSING HIS DADDY.

Back at work

2009-07-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had been off Since Friday, making arrangements for Dad's services. It all went well - Now I am just TRYING to get back in the swing of things here at work. I'm not very motivated today but it could just be that I'm tired. The services were a beautiful tribute to Dad.

I'm now 36 years old (YIKES!) my b-day was a bit un- celebrated & Beth forgot to call me :(LITTLE TURKEY!!!!)

Kayla read a poem at Papa's memorial service & Josiah decided to NOT sing or play his guitar in front of A WHOLE BUNCH OF crying strangers who he had never met.

This is why you should NEVER depend on a 3 and a 1/2 year old 'musician' as part of the program for something like this cause they tend to run on their OWN schedule. l.o.l

'Lijah has his Papa by his side

2009-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

'Lijah's Papa is home now. 'Lijah's head stone came in. They will be setting it in on Monday..My b-day. (too bad I gotta be at work).

Kakie & 'Siah's Papa

2009-06-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

We took the kids in to see Papa. Josiah sat on Papa's bed and played his guitar and sang him Dad's song. Kake squeezed me tight as the room filled with tears. She was very upset (angry) that her Papa had to be so sick and she was not accepting things well at all!! I am SOOOOOOOOO greatful that Janet allowed us to pick her up and bring her with us. they took all life support off at around 4ish and we were told he would only take 10 breaths and then pass.

It is almost 16 hours and Papa is still breathing ON HIS OWN!!!! Dad is not only a fighter but a very prideful, stubborn old man (said with lots of LOVE), and I know he is DETERMINED to do things HIS WAY!!!!! :)

Just got off the phone with Steve, Dr. just called to say they are SO SURPRISED!!! becasue Dad is doing so well that they are putting him in his own regular room AND that there is a chance he might get to go home with hospice care.

PLEASE pray MY day goes by fast I'm tired, tired, tired!!!

Papa is on his way to heaven too :(

2009-06-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dad (Steve's dad) has been in the hospital since Friday. He had a massive stroke and has continued to have them since. Steve just called me at work and told me to leave early.

Josiah said, "Papa is on his way to heaven to be with 'Lijah"

PLEASE keep us in your prayers

Kayla will be so sad. Sweet girl

It's getting closer

2009-06-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

it's getting closer to my sweet Elijah's 1 year!!

We have had to keep moving forward... somthing that felt so impossible;
just happened - TIME has passed.

This weekend we were at the hospital with my Father in law. He had a stroke. As we walked around the hospital in and out of the elevators and back & forth to the cafeteria, Kayla kept holding my hand and as we would pass a certain spot she would give my hand a squeeze and whisper, "mommy, thats where we sat when 'Lijah was born" or Mom - this is what I ate when 'Lijah... went to heaven" or " mommy we took this elevator up to see you riht before 'Lijah was born and we were in a big hurry; but except you & daddy weren't with us"

My sweetheart. She is so worried about her Papa.

Still can't decide what we are going to do for 'Lijah's heaven day...

MONTHLY

2009-06-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling VERY 'hormonaly,womanly, roaringly moody'
I feel like I just wanna cry.
My mom is undergoing some medical tests she has been very sick for a few weeks. Medical testing scheduled for Friday morning (pray for her).

I DON'T WANNA BE A GROUCH! I would really covet your prayers.
"MY ADORABLE CHILDREN & HUBBY WOULD TOO" (I am certain of that)

If any one knows of some good anti-, bloating cramping mood rememdy PLEASE FEEL FREE TO drop me a line :)

Kay & 'Si are having a blast at home. Seem's Steve has turned our house into 'DADDY FUN CAMP' :)
(Beth's girls are over for a few days)
I gotta remember to brign the camera to post pic's

I LOVE IT !!

2009-06-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I love the new look on my 'Lijah's blog :)
thanks for all your work Lyndsay
So I gotta share my new love & passion for turtles:
(I had been dealing with a tugging in my heart for turtles since Oct or Nov)
I had no idea why just that every time I saw a little turtle picture, figurine, etc. I felt a fuzzy warm feeling in my heart about Elijah. The only thing I could put together was how passive our 'Lijah was.

Well, just last week I read a beautiful article about sea turtles... how the momma's swim against the curents and waves to get onto the shore to work feverishly to make a nest where their baby turtles can be born. Once the baby turtles are born they must take a chance to get back into the safety of the ocean, passing the dangers that lurk on their journey ie. crabs, people, birds of many types. At the end of the article it says how once at the bottom of the ocean they have reached thier eternity.

Our 'Lijah reached his eternity :)

I had never read such an amazing article but it sure touched my heart, in such a beautiful way.

AGAIN THANKS LYNDSAY for fixing up my page :)

BLOG QUESTION

2009-06-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

okay so I did a little researching and I was trying to give our blog a face lift(make over) you might say- SO I did what I remember some one telling me a while back.... I went to cutest blog on the block. I CAN'T figure out how it works. I typed the words
cutest blog on the block.com and it takes me to this purple flashing stars page, then there is a window that says click here to start, so I clicked. It asked me to register and then all these wierd questions came up about personalizing my computer tool bar and adds for google.

Steve & I are trying to get it to look a bit more colorful, chappier and ready for 'Lijah's 1st birthday. So On cutest blog on the block it says you can customize and add pictures so we have tried it several different times to see if we don't get that message but it still does

Is that what you all went through to make your blog look so cute?

REFRESHING - FRIENDSHIPS!!!

2009-06-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

Last night, after Ladies Prayer; I drove up to find my two guys outside under the beautiful breezy night watering our front lawn. We all sat on the porch for just a minute then Josiah said he was tired(he had a long day-no nap).

Steve continued his gardening (moonlight gardening- he loves to do that!!!)

After showering and getting ready for bed. I was so relaxed, I sat on the couch and did some journaling :)

After a few pages, I climed into bed [with the phone!] I got all cozy and called Cindy. We talked and talked and talked for hours (just like old times). At one point Steve came in and just smiled as he walked right back out(he heard me laughing all the way outside).

We ended up staying on the phone til a bit past mid-night!!!(thats late for me)!!!

talking to her was so refreshing. Don't get me wrong we still see eachother at every church service. But we hadn't talked like that for a very long time!!! IT WAS SO GOOD :)

Chris (Cindy's son) is getting so big now. He has his own car. drivers liscence. I know that if he read this he'd probably get all shy cause he's a "cool" kinda kid.. I mean "GUY"! but I remember when he'd sleep between me & Cindy when he was 5 years old & they would spen the night. I remember when we had to make up math problems to entertain him (YES HE's 'SMART TOO') Poor kid talk about being exposed to real "girl drama" at such a young age. He would sit in the back seat as we would drive around and talk " ABOUT GUY DRAMA" and Cindy would "always tell him "you better not ever do 'that to a girl' ('that' being whatever one of us had just experienced with heartbreaker) I remember when we all still called him CRIFFER not much these days - He's all grown up now. But he's a good boy :) very polite, very sweet, playes guitar, hes' on the worship team and he sings in a band too.

He has grown up so much and he has shown so much care towards our family these past two years. I was thinking about how whenever we found out about Elijah he came with Cindy in the middle of the night to just sit with us.

I am sure Proud to have him as my friend/"nephew" :)

So thats what has been on my mind this morning; because of SUCH a refreshingly fun conversation last night.

I say it's time we go for another on eof those drives except this time Criffer will be the driver!! YIKES and I'm the one in the back seat losing my teeth!!! l.o.l
[He lost his 1st tooth in the back seat of our car while driving home from taco bell]!!!

I feel so much PEACE

11 months...

2009-06-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

My sweet 'Lijah was in my arms 11 months ago today at exactly this very moment. Mom called me this morning to see how I was feeling. She was thinkinf of our sweet 'Lijah.

I was sick all weekend with the flu & did not come to work yesturday.

Friday evening was quite eventful as far as "blessings" go.

A few months back I had written that my cousins baby had passed away. We ended up NOT going to the services... (long story short)

It was during that week, that we came in contact with The funeral director who handled our 'Lijah's funeral. During our brief conversation(remember the horrible incident with his secretary!) Our conversation that day was brief, but one of the first things He mentioned was that his secretary was no longer working at his funeral chapel and that she infact had moved out of State. (skipping forward)

Remember the people who took the deposit on 'Lijah's head stone went bankrupt. So my sweet boy still has no head stone/marker!!! [frustrating]

(skipping forward) We are comming up on our baby's 1st birthday! No head stone!!! I was having a SUPER hard time with that!! I remembered We had started a file for his stone with Brian so I called him (SKIPPING FORWARD)

Friday We met with Brian and He is giving us the best birthday present for our 'Lijah!!!!
His head stone is being made for us FREE OF CHARGE!!!!!

Oh I miss my baby boy! I can't explain the HUGE VOID in my heart and the emptiness in my arms! 11 months have passed since I held your soft warm body in my arms. I never got to see you roll over, cut your first tooth, sit up or hold your arms out to me!

But I am so glad Kayla & 'Siah got to hold you! even if I was too groggy to remember to take a family picture we all do have at least one picture with you.

Friday night 'Siah was talking about your house in heaven. We read the book "mommy please don't cry" His favorite page was the one where the story says their is lots of party's with the best chocolate cake ever!

Josiah wants us to have a birthday cake for you!!! I wish you were here sweetness!
I am glad to know that even if we are not together for your 1st birthday at least I know your not all alone!!! & I am comforted to know that heaven is a wonderful place.

Mommy's boss gave me your birthday & your heaven day off as holiday!! & we intend to spend it together with family & CELEBRATE YOU in our lives!!

Boys will be boys!!

2009-06-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

Here is a little story of what I just realized I will NEVER have to worry about with Elijah.
I was e-mailing a friend who had asked about how Josiah is doing. Here is a bit of that e-mail:

seems Josiah might be going through the terrible 2's AGAIN or still or in SLOW MOTION or something or maybey its just a boy thing! I don't know but some of the things he says and does OH MY GOSH it's driving us CRAZY!! last night he was playing with his Thomas trains and one of the tracks did'nt want to connect right to the other and he said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" and I said, what and he looked at me and said, "BOKEN RABBIT!" I asked him what that meant and he said, "means I am mad cause it no working right - BOKEN RABBIT! Steve & I looked at eachother and wondered if in fact he WAS saying what we thought he might be trying to say.
Steve: Where did you hear that?
Josiah: at school!
Steve: who says that?
Josiah: nathaniel, jacob, lucy and all my friends!
Me: what does it mean?
Josiah: means we are mad cause for things don't work and we say Broken rabbit!
Steve: Josiah I think maybe thats not what your friends are saying and they might be making Jesus sad for trying to say what they hear
Josiah: WHY?
Me: Josiah I think maybe they are copying their mommy's & daddy's and are saying DAM IT (thats what people say when they are mad cause something doesn't work)not rabbit and I think maybe they are saying god Dam it & you think they are saying broken rabbit, but god dam it is not nice to say.
Josiah: oh, okay.

Aye! and he is at a christian school!!! Oh ... just makes me cringe! I don't want him to learn all that stuff!!! and I'm not even sure we handled it right!

Fiberglass!!!! "SUMMERGLASS"

2009-06-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

Last night or yesturday evening..... Steve was helping Beth & Tony move into their new apartment. The last thing to be moved was the HUGE refrigerator UP the stairs into thier apartment - YES, UP stairs- a HUGE side by side refrigerator!!

Anyway, Josiah & I stayed home. We were sitting on the porch. Josiah was playing with a broken shovel; which I thought was wood- so I told him to put it down. He was trying to "work" like his daddy - so I thought 'well I am wathcing him what could go worng?' WRONG thing to ask!!!!!

The stupid broken shovel was not wood but plastic(fiberglass)!!!

YUP! you can all just imagine the rest of the evening - It was awful, I rushed him into the bath and thought that would be the end of that - but NOPE! he started getting all puffy, red & swollen.

We called poisen control & they told us to rub him down with vegtable oil (HE HATED THAT!)
then we put him back in the shower then dried him (all the while he is still screaming/crying)
then we tried the next thing poisen control told us to do: we covered our child (our crying, irritated, tired child) in BIG tape not duct tape but packaging tape.

Nothing was working and then Steve asked me if I had prayed for him (JOSIAH IS STILL CRYING & SCREEMING, " I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS - TAKE IT OFF OF ME! TAKE THE SUMMERGLASS AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! ITCH ME MOMMY! NO YOU ITCH ME DADDY! RUB IT OFF! RUB THE SUMMERGLASS OFF! NO DONT DO NOTHING! I DON'T LIKE SUMMERGLASS") so do you get the picture!!!!!!!

In the middle of his crying he looks at me and calmly says, "momma please call my pastor marty" (him & Pastor Marty are "special friends") so we called him and asked for Pastor to pray for Josiah - (I guess our prayers weren't working).

Pastor was in the middle of his family dinner time, but agreed to get KEaloha & Keoki, Mona to pray for Josiah. I had justt hung up and the phone rang... It was Pastor calling to give me another remedy we might try - panty hose!

I hung up and Josiah is still crying and asked, "who called, momma?" I told him what Pastor said to do and he got a HUGE grin (with a snot filled puffy red face covered in tears). He said Pastor had summerglass too!?!?!? (thrilled- cause he loves to be just like Pastor).

So we did the panty hose thing and IT ACCTUALLY WORKED!!!!

We were able to tuck him into bed and as he was dozing off he looked up at us and said, "Momma I am so happy we have the only best Pastor Marty with all the good rules in the whole wide world forever!"

I know there is a message in their some how, so when I went to bed I began to think about how Churches/Congregations and Pastors have different types of relationships. Mostly I thought of the child like faith that my son has in his Pastor/FRIEND. I think that is the confidence, trust & faith & YES, even admiration and love we should have towards our Pastors, after all they were appointed and annointed for that very position and the bible says that 'our steps are oredered of God so whatever church we are at; LOVE, PRAY for LOOK UP TO & TRUST YOUR PASTOR!
HE IS A GIFT FROM GOD!!!
That was my lesson for the day - just thought I'd share :)

I GOT MY RAISE!!

2009-05-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks for helping me pray. $2.00 more per hour!
have a great weekend:)

STORMS... CRAZY & BEAUTIFUL !

2009-05-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

1st of all thanks for all the prayers... I should know something by 5:00 p.m tonight.
Ali & Lyndsay thanks so much for your comments ( i looked around to see if I could find your blogs or emails but didn't find them but if you wouldn't mind emailing me I would love to write to you) - I am amazed how uplifting an email or a comment can be :) again thanks!

So last night, after Maddies last spring Concert in her "elementry school" (she is growing up so fast) just out of the beautiful hot sunny 98 degree California weather our Lord decides to send a 'crazy' but BEAUTIFUL thunder, lightning, rain, wind & even hail in some parts storm our way.

for California this is CRAZY!!! It was hot! & raining!!! who's ever heard of that becides all you Texan's :) (Bernice & your gang, Jen & your gang) that NEVER happens here! NEVER!!

So one minute we are cooling off drinking iced tea sitting in front of our swamp cooler and the next minute there is lightning lighting up the entire sky & the sounds of GIANT thunder ripping through the quiet night.

Steve, Josiah & I went outside and watched. The rain hadn't started comming down yet. We were standing in the middle of our front yard for about 15 minutes watching the sky when Josiah yells out with the BIGGEST SMILE on his precious, innocent, pure face; "OH, MOMMA JESUS & 'LIJAH ARE TAKING PICTURES OF US!!!!"
Steve & I smiled at eachother as we tried to hold back our tears while we smiled back at Josiah as I managed to say, "yup" through the huge lump in my throat. Steve looked into Josiah's eyes and said, "Yes baby boy & do you hear God talking to us?" Josiah nodded no. Steve said, "listen" pointing up to the sky as the thunder rolled. Josiah lookedup and again smiled as huge as his little face could smile and he began to jump up & down yelling, "I hear him! I hear him.. I can hear God's voice!!! EVERYONE HERE GOD!!"

The rain drops began to fall slowly and gently at first then they turned steady and much harder. Josiah didn't know how to react (in California you never walk in the rain cause its ALWAYS COLD whenever it's raining) at frst he squeeled then I began to twirl in circle and sing in the rain and he fell right in step!! We all danced in the rain for a good 7 minutes before we were all drenched. Steve was the first one to run up under our porch then 'Si & I followed. We sat on the steps of our porch & continued to watch the lightning and the rain. We were singing worship songs that mentioned lightning and thunder and I don't know the name of that song that says,
" you speak through thunder & lightning your voice shakes the mountains, foundations of the earth..." something like that... but thats what we kept singing over and over. After a while we were just quietly sitting on the porch steps when Josiah says, " mommy I just love when Jesus brings us the storms... and because I love to love you in the storms! Momma do you love the storms!?"
"Yes, baby I love the storms." "Momma Jesus sends us the storms to talk to us huh, momma and to take pictures of us and to tell us that he loves us huh momma?" I sighed deeply and said, "Yes, Josiah you are right - God talks to us in the storms".
Then he stands up on the bottom step and looks up into the night sky and says "Oh 'Lijah baby I wish you could come down now - after the rain, some time I will go up okay, 'Lijah 'Lij''

After a good while we managed to peal Josiah off the steps and convinced him we could watch the lightning from inside and then Steve cohersed him by telling him to come in and call Grandma to tell her it was "storming".

He spent the next 30 minutes calling my mom & Beht and wanting to call every one from church to tell them, "you better go outside for God & 'Lijah can take your picture, else he not gonna take your picture".

Finally at around 9:45 his eyes had grown so tired & sleepy he said, "momma can we please tell Jesus to turn off the light now & Tell 'Lijah & God I wanna go to sleep so please take pictures later." "okay baby" I said just close your eyes and "they will be finished in a minute".
he said,
"good night momma, good night daddy I love you in the storms"
good night 'Lijah thanks for you take my picture"
(he was sleeping on a bed roll (pallette- he calls them) o the floor of our room," because it was so "exciting" that Jesus brought us a storm"

THIS BOY IS JUST SOMTHING 'SPECIAL' I TELL YOU!! HE is our TREASURE!!
but at least now we know "WE GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN" so next time you see lightning remember to get your picture taken :)

JOSIAH & MY SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST

2009-05-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Josiah & I usually say prayers and spend time worshipping as we drive- looking at the Mountains, on our way to work and school.

Yesturday Josiah said, "Holy Spirit fill us up with some more presenTs; because I don't have any and I need bob builder and daddy needs a job and mommy wants alot of pieces"

He has heard Steve & I pray, 'Holy Spirit Fill us with your presence' & I always ask God to give me peace.

So this morning we are driving to work quietly, when all of the sudden Josiah starts to sing (his version of Father's house (i think thats what the song is called):
'come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
Come and go with me - to my 'Lijah's house!
It's a BIG, BIG House with lots & lots of brooms!
A BIG, BIG table with lots & lots of food
A BIG BIG yard where we will play foot ball!!
Come and Go with me- To my 'Lijah's house!!!

then he says, "momma I just cant wait to go to our 'Lijah's housse in heaven with Jesus!"
I said, "I know sweetie me too, I can't wait"
He says, "I think *Grandma Alvarez should stop waiting, cause her can have alot of brooms in heaven and play foot ball with 'Lijah"

* Grandma Alvarez is Ben's mom & She is heaven bound and can't hardley wait to cross those pearly gates into the arms of Jesus & see her life long sweet heart who awaits her. She is over 80 ... I think, something like that. (please pray for her too - she is so tired & ready to go).

Ever since last Friday when we went to go see Grandma Alvarez. He wakes up every morning and the first thing he asks is, "IS GRANDMA ALVAREZ DYING FOR HEAVEN YET?" meaning has she gone to heaven yet.

Isn't it funny how real life and death has become to our kids whenever they have had to say good bye to a sibling at such a young age.

His version of prayers and songs is just too funny!!!

So now for my "special" prayer request:
I shared with you that I am working and that 30 days after I started working I was gonna get a raise - well this week is my 30 days and I am asking God for his Favor and Blessings, And continued provisions. That he would touch my bosses heart, casue I need a few more dollars than was agreed to. I believe I have exceeded their expectations and I know this work is worth what I need so PLEASE AGREE WITH ME IN PRAYER, that The Lord would move in his heart on my behalf.

Time

2009-05-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

I am finding it so hard to believe that old saying, "time heals all wounds".
I am missing my baby boy so much! It is just so crazy how often I think of him and how much we acctually MISS him being with us. Like this past Sunday at our church pic-nic. It may not have been noticeable to any one but Steve & I were just aching for our baby boy to have been with us.

We find ourselves thinking so much of him and not knowing exactly what to do with the VOID in our hearts and lives as we try to keep moving forward; yet our hearts are still clinging to those 25 and a half very precious hours.

I want him here with us. I want to know what it would be like juggling 2 boys & not just my 1.
I want to feel his weighty chunky body in my arms as drool spills from his mouth becasue he is teething.

Holding Moriah & watching her grow everyday and see all the milestones she is experiencing just cuts like a knife. I love Moriah, don't get me wrong but holding her and watching her just makes me think all the more of how busy we would be with a 7 month old and a 10 month old at grandmas house.

We were there Saturday morning for b-fast. All of us & our families. After b-fast we all sat on the front lawn and enjoyed the morning, watching Moriah jump in her jumper and the expressions she was making as her bare feet touched the grass/dirt for the very first time...

Missing & longing for him doesn't even do my feelings justice.

I don't ever think I will be able to put those feelings into words.

I so, wanted him here - not in heaven! I mean I am glad he is there becasue I know I have the hope of 'someday' BUT WHY?
why couldn't my son be like the others who are meant to be loved from here - together - watching them grow rather than just a painful vivid loving memory that stings as it soothes.

Time... it has gone by so quickly that people see us & can't see the pain.
It goes by so slowly that every breath I take reminds me I am still not there yet.

I loved to love you.
I loved to hear you.
I loved to hold you.
I loved to watch you.

I love to think of you.
I love to miss you.
I love to love you still!

MOMMY & ELIJAH

2009-05-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

My 'Lijah Lij

sweet baby boy.

your warm cheeks.

the feel of your "SMART head" nestled in my arms.

Oh my baby I love you so much!

I only wish I knew WHY?!?!?

I miss you! & I will be thinking of you this mothers day. I was hoping that they would have remembered about you for our annual church video but Joshy said they already made it.

BUT Daddy & I will be thinking of you as always. YOU ARE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER!

see you some day soon my sweet baby boy.

Thank You for being my brave boy! Thank you for all those kicks and pats. I will NEVER forget you

ELIJAH

2009-05-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I just miss Elijah. It was about 1 a.m and I was wide awake. I was trying to imagine how his sleeping pattern would be, He would be pulling himself up on furniture and my house would be filled with all his toys!

My heart just aches with pain. I can't seem to understand, and I know I never will.

My dad came over to visit on Saturday. He was looking at 'Lijah's wall, he began to smile and talk baby talk. (like he would have & how he did with 'Siah).

I miss my baby. This sunday is going to be SO VERY HARD! Last year, I remember telling Steve that at least I could feel him kicking and moving as we sang worship songs at church.

There was this lady that sold personalized jewelry. We were gonna order me a necklace and or a bracelet with several of Elijah's pictures (especially his "SMART BOY"one). But thats when things had started getting worse financially and we never ordered it. I kept telling myself that soon we would get on our feet financially, and I would get to order it.

I hadn't realized how much I want it, til this morning when I was driving to take 'Siah to school and I heard a song on the radio.

Tears just rolled down my face and I remember that song playing when I was browsing through that ladies web page.

I just wanted to have something of his on me for mothers day. I think I might go to the cemetary on Sunday.

I know I am not the only mom hurting this mothers day.
and it makes me so sad! to think of all the hardships that come with life.

I feel like everyone around us has already forgotten. I know they haven't but it is just so sad that no one hardley ever mentions him at all.

Steve & I never stop thinking of our sweet baby.

I miss hearing his grunty little muffled cry. I miss feeling his warm soft face and his velvety soft "smart boy bubble"

LOOK AT THIS CUTE FACE!!

2009-05-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

JOSIAH STARTED SCHOOL TODAY!!
HE IS LESS THAN A BLOCK AWAY FROM MY OFFICE. AS SOON AS WE DROVE INTO THE PARKING LOT HE BLURTED OUT, "MOM- YOU NEED TO LEAVE"

WE WALKED INTO THE BUILDING AND HE SAYS, "OKAY MOM GO! BYE. GO TO YOUR WORK NOW. I BE FINE - SEE YOU LATER, AFTER WORK"

he always has been pretty straight & to the point l.o.l :)

NOW LETS JUST PRAY HE STAYS THAT HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!!!!

TEXAN ACCENT'S

2009-05-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with a business call in Austin TX :)
gotta say ~LOVE THAT TEXAN ACCENT~

IT IS SOOOOO CUTE!!!!

And the funny thing is she said I sounded Californian :)
what does Californian sound like?!?!?

I can sure pick up on a Texan accent but what does CALIFORNIA accent sound like? I have no clue.

ANY WAYS, HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERY ONE!!!!
Especially all YOU TEXANS!!!!! l.o.l

Kayla will be home this weekend and we are planning on working on our garden and MABEY walking into towm to get a corn dog at the annual town carnival :)

1 week!

2009-04-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have been working 1 week! love the job, the atmosphere is great, just missing my 'Siah!
& getting used to working as a mom :)

Life is still a little bit stressful with catching up on bills but it felt so good to be able to start paying away at those big OLD bills. Keep praying for our landlord who is still (thus far) being patient with us, as we play catch up. I so DON'T want to have to move again.
PLEASE help us pray for STEVE TO GET A JOB TOO!!!

O.M.G!!!!!!!

2009-04-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

I just got a call for a job interview with a company I was trying to get hired; for the past three months. That company seems to be good too! BUT I am already SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy here; UGHHHHH! I told you all GOD HAS A HILLARIOUS SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!!
but now I'm wondering what should I do?!?!?
any ideas???

I LOVE MY JOB!!!

2009-04-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

what a HUGE blessing. My bosses are wonderful people. I am praying we get lots & lots of work!!

I GOT A JOB!!!!!

2009-04-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

Oh MY GOSH... I finally got a job. went on interview yesturday evening at 5:00p.m. Interview ended at 6:30 and I walked out of there the new Administrative Account Clerk for a Construction Company!!! JUST LIKE THAT!!! right when I was done hoping.

Now I just gotta wait for Steve to get a call from a job but hey 1 job is better than nothing!!
PRAISE GOD!!!
THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS!!
I am at the library with Steve & 'Siah right now.
Kay is staying at her moms for a game tomorrow - we wanted to take her but didn't have enough gas to make the double trips and her mom has agreed to bring her home after the game :)

I start work on Monday morning at 8 a.m and 'Siah is the newest student at Bethel Christian Pre-School!!

IT'S FINALLY ALL WORKING OUT :)
It has been so long since I worked so I hope to get Steve's unemployment check tomorrow so I can hit the yard sales - I NEED working woman clothes l.o.l all my clothes is mommy clothes and flip flops :)

TODAY

2009-04-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

April 15th. Steve went to the interview - they straight ouut told him that although he has experience as a certified Fork Lift driver he has no experience in cold storage, so it doesn't look like they will be calling him. I also went to put in an application as a shipping and recieveing clerk but I don't have enough experience on the particular program they are using.

I sent my resume and had a phone interview for a construction office secretary. He said they would call me by Friday.

I do know that God is in Control. I just wish He would make things a bit clear for us as to what He expects for us to do.

I know nothing other than to continue to TRUST and to Hold on. If I had all the time in the world to share ALL the experiences where God has proven His faithfulness to us from generation to generation in our family since my granmother was a child. IT IS A WONDERFUL testament of HIS FAITHFULNESS... ... ... none the less we are human and we ARE GROWING VERY weary.

Steve and I are trying so hard to sstay focused. To remember we are ONE, to focus on the blessing of our marriage and our children but it is just plain hard and MOST stressful right now!

I keep asking why? and when will things begin to change? and still NO ANSWERS, NO RELIEF!

We filed our income taxes and we are supposed to be getting a $400.00 dollar refund which would be great, but it is going to pay child care(child support) which was SAID to never have been paid. and the $900.00 dollar stimulus payment we should have recieved as well also went to pay that! It is just plain frustrating becasue no matter how we look at things it just seem so unending. Whenever Steve went to court about this alleged outstanding child care bill, one party said it was paid and then we had proof it was paid by a federally funded agency, yet becasue we had no lawyer we are stuck paying this account so regardless - we have no refund comming. Oh well I keep praying that God will help us in this situatuion as well.

I just feel like no matter how I pray if it has to do with praying for OUR situatuions; It is like he is NOT listening. Yet people ask me to pray for them and their situations and He answers prayers.

Oh well - whatever happens will be; and there is not much of a darn thing I can do.

tired & frustrated AGAIN!!

2009-04-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the job.... .... AGAIN! Steve is going on another interview tomorrow - see what happens.
although I am pretty sure its gonna probably be another negative outcome. So I guess I am definitely in a very negative mood. YES, I am a christian but that doesn't make me a super person. I am so FRUSTRATED. I just feel like being honest, brutally honest! I am so very, tired and I just can't figure out why this is so crazy! Why?!?!?! When is this HORRIBLE roller coaster gonna stop?

I had a WONDERFUL dream about my precious 'Lijah and he was crawling and drooling and holding him in my arms felt so good! BUT then I woke up... WHAT A HORRIBLE REALITY TO WAKE UP TO!!! I have been crying all day & Easter was hard too.

I just wish I could end this horrible reality I am living.

I know & yes I do count my blessings but this just sucks!

HI ALL!!! 'Spring Break'

2009-04-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

Well, today is Tuesday. Kay is on spring break. She is home for a few days this week. Yesturday she went on a play date with a special friend from Puerto Rico who is in the States for Easter:) They had a wonderful time. Josiah also went on a play date. Daddy had a day for himself & I was swept away to the coast for dinner with Dorothy & Cindy! We ALL had such a BLESSED day! We all got much needed RECREATIONAL TIME :)

We are so blessed. Saturday we went to decorate the cemetery for passion week. and we watched the sun set. It was nice.

Kay will be with us for Resurection Sunday!!!

I went on an interview A G A I N!!!! & still don't know what will happen!!!! Rrrrr - so frusterating!

MISSING OUR BABY SO MUCH THIS EASTER!!!

Kito Ben's here!!! 'computer for my fingers'

2009-03-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

KAY IS HOME!!! it has been 2 weeks since we seen her and OMG we missed her like CRAZY, CRAZY!!! Home is so much fun whenever we are ALL home!!!

Tonight we are moving camp douglas out on the trampoline!!! scarey :) l.o.l!

well I better go... We have so many pictures but don't have a way to publish right now.

My interview went BAD!! Oh well, no other choice but to KEEP TRUSTING!!! the best thing to do any ways huh?!!

Erika I hope all is going good for you with your little one growing healthy inside!!!

Just gotta say I MISS talking to you all but I think of you all whenever I see your Home State on the news with the weather :)

Time moves forward...

2009-03-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the 18th of March. I went to ANOTHER job interview & failed the test!!! Woooo Hoooo! way to boost an ego! huh!!!

GOD continues to see us through! At times I feel so desperate and then at other times I am reminded of HIS sweet presence in our lives and the joy HE brings through the valleys!!

I Love MY SHEPHERD (Psalms 23)

'Si & I have been going to "library school" (he calls it that) twice a week :)

Kay & Dad went to her first ever father daughter dance!! ( hope to post pictures real soon)

' Si flew his first kite

Kay & 'Si helped dad build a tree house

SO MANY, MANY memories being made on a daily basis. wish I had internet at home to be able to share all the beautiful momnents we are treasuring and the things that still knock me on my butt with sudden waves of emptiness without our 'Lijah. He would be 8 months!!!

PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS... going on another interview tomorrow

Josiah still mentions Jaxon every morning when he comes his hair!!
HI JAX! from Josiah :)

Gotta go now! times up @ library :)

MISS YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!!

Bigger Than 'this' time in our lives

2009-02-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I am certain of this one thing! Whatever God has planned for our lives... IT IS MUCH BIGGER AND GREATER than this time in our lives. We are passing through the rising waters, the raging fires BUT WE ARE CERTAINLY IN THE VERY HAND OF GOD!!!

Every day is another trial, another struggle, another moment of stress or worry - BUT then WE ARE ABLE TO SEE that none of this matters. WE are just passing through - We are not home yet!

GOD has continued to BLESS us in such a wonderful way. Steve is leading our family in a daily devotional. Kayla & I are doing a mother daughter devotion and our walk in God is so amazing.

FACTS:
Economy is still very much in crisis.
Our Finances are still very chaotic.
We are still looking feverishly for jobs.
We still have not gotten jobs.
the monthly bills keep coming.
We still run out of shampoo & tooth paste
GOD STILL CONTINUES TO DAILY PROVE HE IS MORE THAN ABLE TO MEET OUR NEEDS!!!!

That is the best fact of all & it is what keeps us focused on Christ and the bigger plan for our lives as THE DOUGLAS FAMILY.

We are certain that HE IS OUR SOURCE OF STRENGTH, OUR COMFORT OUR LOVE, OUR HOPE, OUR TRUTH AND OUR ALL IN ALL!!!

We know HE has a PLAN that will be fulfilled in our lives that will bring HIM honor and glory!

We continue to stand in the need of prayer!!
WE ARE ALSO PRAYING FOR OUR BLOG LAND BUDDIES!!!

GOD CONTINUES TO BE FAITHFUL!

2009-02-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

Hi, ALL!
Just needed to let you all know we are doing much better! Praise God! still no jobs - but MAN GOD IS GOOD!!! HE CONTINUES TO SUSTAIN US!!!

We are so excited about the mere fact that God is just amazingly providing for our needs.

Our financial situation has not really changed much but to be able to see HIS HAND at work in us is amazing!!!

Our relatives have miraculously been blessed and helped us by paying our rent. We had our water services disconnected and some dear friends came to our rescue. Our Electric bill was almost disconnected and again GOD moved!

We do not understand the WHY's or the WHEN's BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU ALL THAT GOD IS SO FAITHFUL.

This time has been such a growing time in our lives. We are seeing an ENORMOUS GROWTH in our spiritual walk with the Lord.

We have started to have family devotional time reading our bible and praying. Steve and I are experienceing a wonderful time together in the Lord like never before.

The kids are good. We are missing Kayla real bad!! We were supposed to go see her last Wednesday but Josiah had been in the hospital over night and then returned again the following day because he was very very ill. We had a big scare- his body was not reacting to any antbiotics. He is doing much better now! Praise The Lord!

I just wanted to say that we are doing alot of growing... the storms are pretty tough but if we remain walking with our eyes set on the spiritual aspect of things then we begin to watch the HAND OF GOD MOLDING US INTO EXACTLY WHO HE WANTS US TO BE!!!

I am learning to love and cherish this painful time that is producing such beauty within our family.

We are greatful for all your continued prayers and loving messages

* I am still not connected to the internet at home so I do not have a chance to check on all of my blog friends so a very special hello to all of Elijah's love club, Hi to Susie, Kristy, Karen, Jennifer, Becky, Kathy, Melissa, Lori in NY the Friesen's, Erika in NH, Sheena, to ALL OF YOU!!! I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!! I MISS GETTING ONLINE AND CHECKING IN ON YOU AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR DAILY LIVES!!

STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER

2009-01-20T10:13:00.001-08:00

We are still holding onto our faith with every shred of hope that HE WILL SEE US through
KEEP THE PRAYERS COMMING; cause this Sunami is still raging and roaring!

January 9th

2009-01-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

6 months ago today, We were holiding our little 'Lijah in our arms. It feels so chaotic!
I really want to give up!!! I know I can't quit but I am so tired and I honestly don't see things straight any more.

Steve & I continue to be under a tremendous amount of financial stress (unimaginable)!!!
We both went on job interviews today.

Which could be seen as a good thing except that I don't have anymore energy to hope.

I will not be blogging much any more because we no longer have internet service. I am honestly not sure how much longer until this dam will break.

I will try to check my emails whenever I get a hold of a computer & I will try to blog at least once a week. (my nephew ben's computer)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS & SUPPORT
Prayer requests:
#1 JOBS for Steve & I
#2 continued peace in our home
#3 kids health
#4 Gods provision
#5 direction

our email is stv.mre@gmail.com

HELLO!

2009-01-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

OUR EMAIL IS stv.mre@gmail.com (for that someone who asked)

Hello All: we are still holding on tightly to the strength that only comes from our Lord. We are taking life one moment at a time.

Steve & I are both still looking for jobs. (still nothing).

All we can say is that we are still here, still keeping our faith, our love for each other is growing stronger through these trial-some days. We are growing in our walk with Christ every day. We are truly going through a threshing process. It hurts - It is tiresome and oh so desperately desolate at times. Our focus during this past year is on the end result; a greater glory - some day.

Though these last few days seem heavier, Steve & I find ourselves in a place of questioning -" when will it stop raining? When will the flood waters stop rising?" When will we see the raging waves be still?"

Went to church tonight - I guess since it has been a while since I blogged I haven't written down that our positions as teachers has changed and we are now in charge of the nursery. YUP! the nursery. Kinda ironic how we are the ones doing this and we are also the ones who lost a baby.

Yesterday- Moriah came over for the evening. Her parents were enjoying a 1 month anniversary dinner. It was fun having her over. We all had so much fun!! she is showing an interest in trying to push her feet down to roll onto her tummy. Yesterday, for the very first time I had a flash back of Elijah's head while rubbing Moriah's. (it was weird).

He would have been turning 6 months in two days.

I can hardly believe six months have passed and we still seem to be going through such turmoil.
I often find myself wondering what kind of testimony our lives are being to others. I mean we are supposed to be an example, an encouragement, we are Christians and that word means to be like Christ. WE ARE SO NOT! Our lives are supposed to bring glory to God. How can the way we are living possibly glorify God?!?!!!

TOSTITO BOWL

2009-01-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight - Jonathan & Olivia, Tony & Beth came over with dinner and we had a tostito bowl party. Kito & I spent the afternoon together it was so nice! I hadn't had a nice time with my 1st nephew in a VERY LONG time. We got back and it was just about time for everyone to get here so Kito Ben stayed for pizza too!!

Steve had called me while I was out with Kito & told me they were all meeting here to watch the game with him. When Kito & I walked in to the house Steve & Josiah had made some posters that said OHIO vs. TEXAS he had divided the living room in half and set it up for opposing teams. Tony is from Texas so he & the Dews were going for Texas, Mom goes with the flow, Josiah & I are partial to Texas as well - normally Steve is too but tonight he decided to make it fun and he was the lone ranger going for OHIO Jonathan & Olivia got here and Jonathan also decided it would be fun to Join Steve in going against Tony. Olivia sided with us :)
Way to go 'Livia!!! YOU CHOSE THE WINNING TEAM!!!!!!

Such a nice evening full of laughter and carefree, pleasurable fun with my bro. & sis :)

I am so grateful to Jonathan, it seems that lately he has been getting real close to Steve. I am not sure if it is just happening naturally what but it has been such a needed outlet for Steve.

I also want to say Thank you to all my dear friends who have been e-mailing to check in on us. We are doing okay
>GO LONGHORNS!!!<

Still believeing...

2009-01-02T21:51:00.000-08:00

We are still holding onto our faith, eachother and hope! We had a rough day but thank the Lord He saw us through another day!!!

Not like I had hoped

2009-01-02T02:13:00.000-08:00

My new years eve was nothing like I mentioned in the post before this one. For some reason things were a bit different - not at all what i had hoped for... funny just like so many other things in 2008 - not like I had wished!

We went to church. The evening turned out to be quite long and I was not doing too well. I realized early on in the evening that my defense mechanism for the evening was curtness.

Hmm - well that's not too nice!!! But that is how I was dealing with things and so that is how it was, period.

We left earlier than normal - usually we stay till at least 30 minutes passed midnight. We left at fifteen til. We drove home. Ahhhhh it felt so good to come HOME.

Josiah was still awake and we all three sat in the living room for about 1 hour. Josiah fell asleep and Steve & I stayed talking for about another hour.

Woke up at 7:30 a.m. We watched the ROSE BOWL PARADE and a football game. Lounged around the house till 1:30 in the afternoon. Steve went to buy us some T.P @ wal-mart and me & 'Si stayed home (still in our jammies) My mom & sisters kept calling to see if we were going. i said we were but just not sure what time. Finally made it out of the house at 5:00 came back a t 6:30.

Man we need jobs BAD!!!
I'm in a pretty sucky mood - not mad, angry, or even grouchy.... just not in a "HAPPY, JOLLY MOOD"
So much going on inside my mind just don't feel like sharing.
Been looking for jobs. Applied for two; Each of us & we are still waiting.
I hate to even put any energy into... NO I DON'T HAVE ANY ENERGY TO PUT INTO HOPING any more. it's to tiring to get my hopes up & get all excited and start imagining what it might be like to get "that" job.
I kept thinking all day long about HOW I JUST WISH so very darn bad that things could be different. I'm not even going as far as talking about Elijah, I mean just a "little" different. Wish we weren't barely getting by & HOW I SO WISH GOD WOULD JUST MAKE THING CLEAR ALREADY!
Man, I don't even know if any one can imagine how tired we are. Not even my mom or my family realize what we are feeling. JUST PLAIN TIRED!! Ironic huh? a brand new year with the same old heavy load - nothings really changed, not yet any ways!

I got a call from some one today who was just bragging on all she got for Christmas, all she had gotten her husband, and how "tired" they were from "shopping" and "returning" gifts. Hmmm! funny!!
"tired" like me & Steve (NOT)
She went on to tell me how they were ready for a meal at home cause they have just been going out to restaurants and places to eat for the past two weeks. HOW NICE!!!
Our pantries are pretty bare til Saturday.
If this person went to our church or read my blog she would know I am not the one to tell al her "shopping woes" to!!!
Oh well so is life right?
YEA THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF SHADOW OF DEATH... I will fear no evil, thy rod & thy staff they comfort me. YOU lead me beside still waters, you restore my soul.... OH WE NEED THAT REFRESHING!!!

YOUR BANNER OVER ME IS LOVE, LORD!!!
YOUR GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME!!!
IN MY WEAKNESS YOU ARE STRONG!!!
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord, my ROCK & MY REDEEMER!!

* We Love you all - sorry if you run into us & we are quiet. It's not you it's just a heavy load* & PLEASE Pass it on so others who might not read this, will know we aren't MAD we are just in need of a whole lot of prayer.

THRESHOLD & THRESHING

2008-12-31T16:57:00.000-08:00

It is 5:06 p.m. on the eve of a brand new year. I cherish all that has been given to me; especially WHO we were blessed with in 2008. I feel that Steve and I have been through a threshing process this past year. Through this we have had to learn to separate our selves from insurmountable pain and loss in order to see the beauty of Life, Hope, & Faith. We have been overwhelmed beyond what words could ever express; in both, joy and sorrow.

I believe with all confidence & assurance that God has a plan which will continue to unfold in our lives. Our painful journey is by no means over; I just feel that we are at a threshold. Some day soon ( i hope) we will begin to see the beauty of this tapestry begin to unfold before our eyes.

It is with a desperate courage that we cling to Christ and the Comfort of His Holy Spirit as we walk out this door tonight and run to the altar at church; to Thank our Lord for the precious, treasure of our son:
Elijah Nathaniel Douglas.

It is a long family /church tradition to be at church praying in the new year.
Tears streaming down my face as I write & my husband( I am sure) out in the cold misty fog, digging deep into Elijah's garden seeking strength & courage.

I do not know if I will be able to utter the words "HAPPY NEW YEAR"; because you see, I wish I could stay in 2008 forever. It scares me to think of moving forward. Of time not standing still.

Some one told me just the other day, "OH THANK GOD - 2008 is almost over"

I don't see it that way. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would. I would go back to being pregnant of Elijah, I would then go to the very moment I laid eyes on him for the very first time. Not hearing a single whimper. Then I would take a very long pause on the evening of his celebration service, and another at the grave side as his tiny white satin casket was lowered into the earth and I could hear my pastor singing, 'Blessed be your name - you give & take away'

Since I do not hold the keys of time I have no choice but to keep on walking in these shoes, which I was presented with on the evening of February 13th, 2008; When we knew Elijah's life mission would be different than that of other baby's floating in their mommy's tummy.

Tonight once again, Steve & I CHOOSE to BLESS THE NAME OF THE LORD. Together with Christ as the center of our lives we will cross this threshold and trust HE will be our All In All.

His word promises that He goes before us and that he is our rear guard.

NEVER LOSING SIGHT OF WHAT IS TO COME; WHILE WE CHERISH WHAT ONCE WAS.
On JULY 9th, 2008 The Douglas Family, family of 5 was all together breathing the same air clinging to LOVE.
for 25 and 1/2 hours Steve & I had our three children all in the same room. I cherish that picture

Threshing & Threshold... these are the words that keep running through my mind & heart for the past few days.
I have six more hours to be in 2008 and then I will have no choice but to be in 2009

PICTURE UPDATES of christmas

2008-12-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSIAH!!!

2008-12-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Mommy made him this crown last night!!! He wanted his crown on as we sang happy birthday to him.
more pictures later
oh and THIS IS MY 200th POST!!! ON 'Siah's birthday!!!

BLESSED, CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas!!! I have been trying to post pictures of Christmas morning at the Douglas home, but our computer is not wanting to cooperate with the camera!!!

We picked K up at 9:30 in the morning we got back home at 10:00 and the kids walked in to see a Christmas tree full of presents!! A TRUE BLESSING!!!!
(I will try-again to post some WONDERFUL PICS OF OUR DAY later tonight)

BUT FOR NOW I NEED TO SHARE MY HEART...

My heart & Steve's too, I am sure is just so happy and sad at the very same time. Seems like for the past year we have been going through this sort of bitter sweet roller coaster of emotions.
[We are pretty tired, emotionally]

Tomorrow is December 27th, 2008. It is a BIG day for all of us. Josiah will be turning 3!!!! so as the evening rolled in. Steve & I both became very sensative. After a few hours of intense emotions, We both realized what we were facing...

Josiah's birthday is A WONDERFULL & EXCITING TIME for all of us! HE was born premature. Weighed a mere 4 lbs. and measured only 17 inches long. We are so greatful for these three amazing years we have had with our son & I guess that is why tonight we can not help but think and ask, "WHY? IF ONLY!!" Josiah too had to overcome numerous struggles. We had to take him from my house to Valley Childrens Hospital on his 4th day of life becasue we discovered he was suffering from a very rare & undiagnosable seizure disorder. His first year and a half of life we spent a great number of days & even weeks at a time in the hospital.

God saw fit to heal him even after we recieved the diagnoses stating he had mild CP. I remember how sad we were & now that I know a deeper sadness I just only wish my 'Lijah could have stayed.

See as we celebrate the life of our first born. [HE IS SO VERY EXCITED ABOUT HIS BIRFDAY] he is singing songs about birfdays and telling us how he thinks his birfday will be tomorrow. He has been telling EVERY PERSON who calls our house, "TOMORROW IS MY BIRFDAY, TOMORROW I FREE(the F is how he pronounces all his th sounds) WE see what we WILL NEVER HAVE WITH 'LIJAH!!!

God chose to NOT heal his brain. AND I HAVE TO BE CONTENT. becasue even if I weren't, I would only bring upon my heart deeper sorrow which would produce bitterness. SO I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BLESS THE NAME OF THE LORD FOR EVERY GOOD & PERFECT GIFT!! BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE DOES IS EXCELLENT & PRAISE WORTHY!!! (i may not see it very clear from time to time - but the TRUTH of eternity ALWAYS SHINES THROUGH)
Tonight though... ... the view is a bit clouded!!!

BUT MY HEART IS SO JOYFUL TO HAVE 'Siah climbing all over me!!! Excited about his birfday!!! During this Christmas season he has mastered the art of seeing an add in the paper and then asking, I WANT IT!!!!! HE doesn't throw a fit - HE must still just think asking for it is all you do. because after he tells us what he wants then he will turn the paper and show us another toy!!!

He is so adorable!!!! A TRUE JOY TO MY LIFE!! HE MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN I AM SAD!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2008-12-24T16:43:00.000-08:00

HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING...
Thinking of all the precious families who are celebrating Christmas with an Angel beyond the skies!

~Joshua~
~Eva~
~Isaac & Asher~
~Jacob~
~Noah~

YOUR FAMILIES ARE IN OUR PRAYERS!!!
Steve & I are having a very difficult Christmas but our hearts are truley confident in ALL HE HAS DONE AND ALL HE WILL DO!

May each of us who are celebrating The Birth of Our Savior; with an ache so deep in our heart and empty arms BE Comforted byt he BEAUTY & TRUTH OF THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!

A very special prayer for Noah Gabriel Wall's mommy, daddy, grandma's & grandpa's & auntie Vikki
Thinking of you (they are on my side bar & Noah just went to heaven about 1 1/2 weeks ago (approx) please keep them in your prayers

THE WINNERS!!!

2008-12-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

WE HAD 4 people reply to the give - away

OUR WINNERS ARE

1st place - Becky for your triplet girls!!!!!

2nd place - 2jne for your little 8 month old Emma!!!

3rd place - Auntrene for your 2 nieces!!!!

'Siah's pick was OCEANA so she tied for third place along with Auntrene's 2 nieces

THANK YOU ALL FOR PARTICIPATING :)

It was fun for us to see who we will be able to send a little token of love to!!
LADIES CAN YOU PLEASE E-MAIL ME @ stv.mre@gmail.com to get your address PLEASE!!
I also want to let you pick the bows so PLEASE E-mail me a.s.a.p!!!! I will send you the details of when I will put these tokens in the mail box okay :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

CAMP DOUGLAS a snoring roaring place

2008-12-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

After dinner tonight - we decided to open up 'camp douglas' for CHRISTMAS WEEK!!

This is the very first year Josiah is so expressive about Birthday's & Christmas. We watched the abc movie on t.v, ' WILLIE WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY' Josiah was wide eyed (almost) the entire time. On one commercial Josiah blurted out, "BIRFDAY!! YA FOR BIRFDAY MOMMA". we all started laughing and HE began to mention a grand list of people he want to invite for his birfday & Kakie just couldn't stop laughing whenever he said, "not___________ Tayla(kayla) she not come to my birfday" (a little girl who is very sweet on him- maybe too much cause He always runs away from her) l.o.l

any how. I came to check my e-mail on a commercial and just heard, the CHRISTMAS CARROL MY family is snoring!!! serious they are each snoring. Too Funny! & 'Si fell asleep without changing into his Jammie's (I can't stand when that happens - I end up changing him any way) I know, I know lots of people let their kids sleep in their clothes. I just feel better when they are in their commfies!!! :~) & NO they didn't get a bath tonight either. I know >:-Q

well at least Kakie made it into her commfies! Yeah, I told her she could skip the bath tonight!!!

WE ARE CAMPING ANY WAYS RIGHT!!!

its me kayla

2008-12-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

Hi! its me kayla i just high jaked the computer ihave a lot of exitement in me. my dad just went to the store and i am making presents so ive got nobody to share my eximent with. ime making a reindear out of forks it is so much work . i love working.who everreads this dont say anything to anyBODY or comet this to the blog . merry chritmas to all

THINKING ON THESE THINGS & fews answers on some emails

2008-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

This is the ornament that was hanging on my tree which I put on my coat yesturday. It is a funny thing whenever people react in diferent ways and how sometimes they don't know what to say.
Phillipains 4:7-8 says to think on these things; things which are true, lovely, have virtue, praiseworhty and are of good report!!

ELIJAH was & IS AL THESE THINGS!! HIS life in my belly and his 25 hours and thrty minutes of breathing he did while in our arms IS JUST THAT ; EXCELLENT & TRUE, LOVELY, VIRTUOUS AND OF GOOD REPORT!!!!

I WISH PEOPLE IN MY CHURCH WERE BLOGGERS; so I wouldn't have to try to explain things and so they would JUST KNOW & NOT ACT OR SAY WHAT THEY DO sometimes. ( maybe they are anonymously) l.o.l
SO I walk into church and one of the very first people to greet us just stared at my 'lijah's picture as if I had walked in to church carrying a corps [no i am not exagerating] then I of course left my coat on for a while - not because it was cold but because I wanted EVERY ONE to see my 'lijah's picture!! [i don't think there was anything wrong with that] once I took off my coat I placed his picture on the center piece of our table.

as everyone was visiting eachothers tables[SOME] people would gasp when the saw his picture. One lady [very dear to my heart] even said, Oh! Oh! oh dear awww! and she was all panicky and she walked away from me as I was telling her how I had added wings to the ornament & I was trying to tell her that I put a newborn picture of K & J in one ornament too so all three of our childrens 'birthday' picture is hanging onour tree"
Since she walked away I guess I will tell you :)~!!!

Later on in the day I was approached by some one who said, " OH MARIE YOU JUST NEED HEALING" okay so maybe I am just very vulnerable and emotionally raw right now BUT That commetn really bugged me heres why! I am not mourning Elijah cause I don't know where he is at, or because I think I will never see him again. I AM JUST A MOM missing her beautiful boy, thats all!!! is it really inproper for me to carry his picture? NOW if I had walked in with a baby casket yeah maybe I could see poeple gasping or walking away from me! I was not carrying around leopracy! OKAY CALM DOWN GIRL!!! :)

On the other hand there were some people who were very sweet.
*************************************************************************************************

NOW TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS from emails I got last night and this morning. Sorry I can't get to reply to all of you who send private emails. I DO ENJOY THEM!!!! but I jsut cant reply to every ones questions one at a time :)

1 - Kayla was reading a poem with my niece Maddie.
Kayla has a BEAUTIFUL VOICE she can sing very well. She is a wonderful reader too!! She wants Pastor to teach her to play the guitar & the piano but he only does guitar & drums. we need to get her a keyboard first and then see about putting her in lessons somewhere.
2- My coat was a christmas gift from Steve 2 christmases ago- we were at a thrift store & I fell in love with it! HE bought it for me for the whopping price of $5.oo bucks
3- Josiah does play on the worship team. He is very musically inclined. we think he will also be a drummer. he has been given drum sticks by two different band drummers because they see him moving his wrists as if he has sticks in them and is playing. HE uses a guitar pic to play - NO HE DOES NOT REALLY know what he is doing as far as notes YET!
He enjoys attending practice but I think he is still too young to PUSH HIM TO do the whoel hur or so of practice. NO we have not put him in lessons yet. He loves to sing as well. No we do not MAKE HIM PRACTICE. it just comes natural. HE just enjoys playing instruments and we foster that passion he has. He is not in sports because we do not have the money right now but later yes we want him to play. He throws the foot ball very far and is a good catcher.
4 - Our church Pastor is not hispanic he is acctualy polynesian and some of the worship team is american indian. Our little church is very diverse.

It's beginning to feel alot like CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

And Here we are; Just walked into church and took 2 pictures (please notice the picture where I am wearing my coat) I pulled one of our ornaments off the tree this morning - just as we walked out the door. It is a picture of my ~'Lijah~

Also my sweet princess would like YOU ALL to NOTICE her & her brother are 'matching'
If it were up to her, she would have us matching like this all the time [seriously] we have to try to get her dressed before we step out or else she will stay in the room longer; trying hard to find 'something that matches' all of us
SO TODAY SHE WAS A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN PLEASED; SHE WAS ECSTATIC

T'was the night before Christmas[at church]

2008-12-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

T'was the night before Christmas

and all through the house

the girls gathered round

pinning curls on our heads

to wear with a bow!

The boys bringing ties out to match with the girls

Must have a white T-shirt just like my dad

Our shoes we have brought out

which now need some shining

to match with those girls!

The clothes all layed out

each pant lay with its shirt & tie

while each shoe lay by our fancy black tights!

And all through the house the busyness of Christmas

brought aching thoughts of our 'Lijah

to all of our hearts!

As the children lay sleeping
Mommy & Daddy worked hard on that pressing & shining

preparing for day break

which soon will appear!

WE LOVE YOU SWEET ~'LIJAH~

Daddy, Mommy, Kakie & 'Si

will have thoughts of you

as we listen for songs

You are sure to be singing

With all of the Angels

Like 'Hark The Herald & Glory To God'

Merry 1st Christmas

Little Angel

WITH ALL OF OUR LOVE!

And Here's what we did today

2008-12-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

O.M.G today was so busy!!! crazy busy!! mom & us were having a Christmas yard sale - boutique type of thing - she was selling crafts & curios for Christmas & I was selling BOWS :~) Beth has Logan & Nannah [her step kids from 1st marriage - she divorced their father not the children & the children have no real contact with the dad & yes, Tony is fine with it :~)] visiting for Christmas. They have not been here since almost a year. Logan had managed to get a hold of his moms cell phone, saw Beth's picture in his moms phone & pushed a button and ended up calling Beth(for over a week) he called every morning between 8-10 a.m would say nothing & Beth did not recognize the number so she would not return the call - Finally, Thursday she got another call & decided this time she would call back. She did & heard a little boy. She asked who is it & he replied, "PICK ME UP!" she knew immediately who it was :~) So, now they are here to visit for the weekend :~)

Kayla & Logan trying out their swingOf Course Josiah's ALL time Favorite Pass Time (worship)
Logan swinging & yelling like tarzan

After this we ate tacos then me & the kids ran to church for practice. 'Si stayed home with Steve. His class already had practice on Wednesday!

After Practice we got back Mom, Beth, Tony & the kids left.

LONG DAY

THE GIVE AWAY... ...

2008-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

okay every one, so we ended up getting several emails saying, "it is a busy season & the scavenger hunt is a bit much. Thanks for letting us know your feelings - THANK YOU BECKY FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO TOOK TIME TO DO THIS HUNT HOWEVER, since it is a busy season LET'S MAKE IT FASTER & EASIER :~)

WE REALLY DO WANT TO GIVE AWAY SOME BOWS, IN FACT WE ARE SENDING A COUPLE OUT TO SOME FRIENDS ALREADY BUT STILL WANT TO SEE WHO ELSE WE CAN SEND SOME TO!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ...
NEW RULES FOR GIVE- A-WAY:
just post a comment telling us about your special 'fancy little girly girls' and get as many people to post a comment or send an email to stv.mre@gmail.com nominating your 'special some one' then on the 23rd at 7:00 p.m. we will pick the three winners!!!
so hurry & get those names in!!

*********We hope this makes it much easier!!!!*****
Oh & again sorry Becky cause you were the only one who took your time to do the scavenger hunt (we had not considered how time consuming this would actually would be) SORRY :) & YES, I do sell them. Email me at stv.mre@gmail.com and we can correspond that way as far as me sending you the exact pictures of bows and pricing. (We just want to keep this blog about our lives since 'Lijah came into our hearts) I hope you all understand :)
Yes, there are different prices they range between $1.oo - $5.oo.
I had actually not thought about making a BOW BLOG but that is a great idea!!

AGAIN WE BOTH APPRECIATE ALL THE EMAILS with ideas and honest opinions :~)

OUR INTENT WAS JUST TO HAVE A WAY TO GIVE SOMETHING & HAVE FUN DOING IT :)

HOLY NIGHT @ Camp Douglas

2008-12-19T21:31:00.000-08:00

Steve & I were talking about our families values & traditions earlier in the week. We were making a checklist to see what are the areas we can improve on. We were talking about how we feel we are raising our kids. After recieving the "blessings of this week" we decided we needed to talk to our children about the gift of giving. We had a family meeting & discussed all the things we were given. We each took turns saying what we have ben blessed with and how can give of ourselves. After a very LONG list of gifts we have been given[house, food, warmth, jackets, new friends, Thomas The Train]you know who said that one!) Steve began to tell Kakie & 'Si how because Jesus blesses us with gifts & blessings then we need to give to others. We were explaining how this years toy drive at church was at an all time low & tomorrow is the food/toy give away in Fowler. So that we needed to bless a boy & girl "who[might] not even have a Christmas tree! Kayla said, "or a warm house" Steve told the kids that they were going to go to the store & each pick out a $5.00 toy. 'Si asked, "for me?" Steve explained no bubba for "the little boy with no Christmas tree". "Why?" he asked & I [trying to help Steve out] explained, "Josiah ,Jesus has sent us friends to give us blessings & now it is our turn to give somthing!

... ... ... Wouldn't You Know It; he said[very serious] "BUT MOMMY- WE READY GIVE MY 'LIJAH"

*sighing* crying* (not then - now!) ugh! Thank YOU Jesus for giving us the words.
talk about heart wrenching. We went to the store and they picked out toys. Kakie, of course knew what this was all about & she is SO giving so she was really enjoying it - Josiah was enjoying picking the toy but everytimne we reminded him it was for 'that special little boy' he would stare at the toiy hug it and then keep on looking. At one point he said, "Oh mommy I like this one!!" Steve reminded him again, "remember it is not your toy".
He said," I know daddy -but he want to be my friend & we play together peacause I like to play for the toy with the little boy & share my tree too".

Kakie & I had Christmas Choir practice. When we got home we ate pizza for dinner @ 'camp douglas' after dinner Steve & I had planned to surprise the kids with a brand new CHRISTMAS TRADITION - We turned down the lights, turnedoff the T.V, turned on the Christmas CD & Steve began to read the Christmas story out of Luke 2:8 after the reading of the holy word. I went into my Hutch and brought one of my PRIZED COLLECTION NATIVITIES & let the kids each take turnes holding it and talk about the birth of our Savior. (both kids were shocked when I handed them my 'special' glass nativity set! I sat back and let them enjoy holding each piece. They both made observations about how cold it must have been, how smelly it nust have been, how itchy it must have been and then after a good long while of that. Steve said, "Okay now Mommy & I have a very special way to celebrate the meaning of Christmas. HE closed their eyes and we went into our bedroom, we threw a sheet & blanket ove rour heads and wrapped a baby doll up & walked into the tree lit room singing ~ Silent Night~ It was so precious! I cried as I saw K begin to tear up. After finishing the entire song we took off the sheets and asked the kids if they wanted a turn!!!! they did!!!

SO HERE GOES THE GIVE AWAY!!!

2008-12-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

Let's make it a scavenger hunt(of sort)!!!

#1) Find a Person that YOU know who's name is Marie or Steve

you post a comment with that persons name & home town, if they post a comment & mention YOUR name you have just entered twice :~)

#2) My Dream places to visit - Italy to ride the gondolas & in USA, Maine because I have read so much about those beautiful light houses.

you post a comment if YOU have ever lived (or visited) there or know some one who has/does if they post a comment &mention your name you have entered twice(use last name or city/town name to differentiate you from others with common names)

#3) Tell us about the deserving 'fancy girl' who will wear these bows if you post a link for us to see her you entered twice

#4) THE LAST ONE...have as many people as you can post a comment on our blog telling us why YOUR 'fancy' girl' should win the set of 3 head bands/clips and four interchangeable bows

we will select the top three to have the most comments meeting the criteria above :~)
~good luck & have fun~

START NOW till the 23rd [MY TIME] @ 7:00a.m we will announce the TOP 3 winners @ 7 :00 p.m on the same day!!!

!BUENA SUERTE!

LOOK!!!!

2008-12-19T01:55:00.001-08:00

A small selection of the bows I am making. In the spirit of giving, I would like to host a give away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not exactly sure how I want to do the give a way but I want to make it fun! Steve & I were talking about different ways of making it fun - DO any of you have any ideas???

I love working on these bows. I can just let my creativity go & enjoy some serene moment of Peace!!

These are perfect for all your pretty little princesses!!

PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE DETAILS REAL SOON!!! For sure we want to do 1st, 2nd & 3rd place. So a total of three give aways :~)

Any one interested in playing some sort of something for some FREE bows for your 'fancy little ladies' ?!?!!????!!!???

let me know!

Moriah's 1st "visit" (without mommy, daddy & granny)

2008-12-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of what we can do when Mommy & Daddy AREN'T hovering!!

Josiah wass acctually more free to be around her & I wasn't as nervous that Moriah's daddy would get paranoid l.o.l :) He loves her so much!! He would have been a great big brother to 'Lijah. He sings the lullaby from Lady & The Tramp to her!

AND CAN YOU TELL I AM HAVING FUN WITH MY CAMERA :~)

WE FOUND IT!!!! and... ... ... I just to vent

2008-12-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

WELL THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!!! WE FOUND THE RING! after tearing the house apart piece by piece and NOT getting to bed til 2 a.m.
My mom called @ 7:30 to see if we were up? She could tell i was asleep, so she said I will just go back to Parlier. (She had brought Tony to work in Selma) I went back to bed[exhausted]. We got up @ 8 and I was still crying. Steve just kept telling me, "it's not your fault".
I decided to call Tracy. She had just finished praying with me & my phone beeped. It was mom. She said I got it!!
WHAT!? HOW?!?!
well Steve had picked lemons for her to take home. She decided to take each lemon out of the bag one at a time and wash them to put in a bowl on her kitchen table. She took the last lemon out & saw an orange lump at the bottom of the bag. She says, she new it had to be the ring[covered in masa] she said she prayed oh Lord let it be the ring and s she ran it under the water the diamonds began to sparkle!!!
STEVE IS SO HAPPY, not to mention me toooooo!!
THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS & WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!!
HE STILL HEARS OUR CRIES FOR HELP! HE IS OUR REFUGE & STRENGTH!!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
* I was trying to just let it roll right off my back - let it go. I email a very dear friend of mine to tell her, like just to get it off my chest type of thing and it happened AGAIN so now I just gotta blog this. IT IS CRAZY!

okay so now, I just really need to vent. So last week Kakie & I went to Wal-Mart to get some punch for Steve's B-Day lunch. We ran into a family we know. SHE, 'THE WIFE' [to remain nameless] asked me oh, so how old is Steve turning. I told her 35. SHE said oh wow that's still young, so then why do you guys look so old & wasted. The husband got embarrassed & tried to help by saying, OH they look like that because of Elijah. [okay- thank you] Then she said something else and Kakie says MY MOMS NOT OLD they do cry but they are not wasted.
her little daughter said something too. I was so shocked embarrassed & upset I did not know what to say or how to get away. Finally we left.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I RAN IN TO HER AGAIN & AGAIN SHE SAID STUPID THINGS TO ME!!
Uggghh!!

This time (yesterday) we are at Food Max and SHE says oh Hi!!! I wanted to ignore her so bad & can you believe it SHE said, "What are you doing?" I said just shopping. She starts to look at me from top to bottom & says:
"OH too bad they don't sell makeovers! ha! ha! ha! - man I told 'hubby'[to remain nameless] I told him man I hope we never look like that when we turn 35. So yeah you should ask Steve to buy you new clothes & get your hair died & stuff cause you look alot older than 35. I always think I gotta look good for my family to be proud of me!! I mean Marie your kids always look good but you & Steve shouldn't look as old as you do. You just need a new hair style & a new make up look & maybe get your nails done YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH HAPPIER!! like look at your tennis shoes those are way out of style and they look real old too. I am just saying do something to make yourself look & feel better & the same for Steve!!"

I was staring at the green beans the entire time, till her husband came around the corner after just enough time to tear down my self esteem & rip me to shreds!!
He says oh hi! Hows it going? I was fighting back the tears so bad & Josiah says "momma shoes are old" and he just giggled (unaware of what had just happened) I said well I gotta go. I did not even finish my shopping. Josiah kept asking me "You wash you shoes momma?" "You uh make up momma?" I could not speak! We walked out of the grocery store and put 'SI in the car seat and got in the car & buckled up. I sat there tears streaming down my face. I started the car & turned on the radio so 'Si could start singing
I kept shouting at myself in silence!! "IT DOESN'T MATTER! MATERIALISTIC THINGS DO NOT MATTER TO YOU" I kept hearing Steve telling me, "DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK" as long as we are happy
But those words still hurt & now I keep having these little words & thoughts in my head that I am fighting with.
- you should care about your self
-you do need to cut & die your hair
- your tennis shoes are older than your marriage
-your close is so out dated
- you used to go get your nails done all the time
- you used to have a pair of shoes for every purse
- you used to have perfumes for every day of the week & then some
- what happened ?

I HATE HAVING THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD!!
SHE of course looks & smells like she just stepped out of the beauty spa all the time & so does her hubby & cute precious daughter.

I know, I know! beauty is passing & charm is deceitful but a woman who loves the Lord she shall be praised!
I know I just feel so BLAHHHH now! & I don't feel very praise worthy

MAJOR PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK!!

2008-12-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

I lost Steve's wedding band!! I know, I already lost a child; how could a ring cause a panic attack? I DON'T KNOW!! BUT IT HAS!! I can't find the ring any where. We were alone making tamales. I told him to take off his ring. He gave it to me. I can't remember anything more. I was having a very bad morning. My blood pressure was sky high & my head was pounding. I was not wanting to make tamales becasue I felt sick. My head was pounding. Steve & I started to spread the masa on the tamales & I felt like the masa needed something. I calle dmom to come & check it out for me. She said she was at an appointment, she would be here later. Josiah was jumping off the couches and I got upset. Steve told me to stop making the tamales. I covered the bowl with masa and left the table. Steve went outside with Josiah.

Ohhhhhh Steve is so mad, he is so beyond upsete he is not talking he is just pacing & sighing. I feel dizzy, I can't stop shaking. I feel like throwing up. I feel sick, my head hurts so bad. My arms feel itchy & my mind is a complete blur.

I was so tense, Steve told me to go pick up what we needed at wal-mart. I left. I went to walmart the store was horribly packed. I left the store I was still having a horrible headache. I went to Office Max, talked to Daniel walked out got in the car and drove home - I can't even remember what I did when I got here. Mom got here she looked at the masa & started working on the tamales with Steve. I was very dizzy & my head hurt. I could not concentrate.

I feel so sick. SOME BODY PLEASE PRAY!! I will never be able to replace that ring!! I men literally, we have no money. I had that ring custom ordered to match mine & even my wedding set is a custom order. I will never be able to save enough money to do that again!!!
OH MY GOD!!
I can't believe this
I feel so ...
I better go
I need to do something
PLEASE PRAY PLEASE
OH GOD PLEASE JUST LET MY MIND REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THAT RING!!
PLEASE PRAY -
I know it's just a ring but I feel awful
I feel like I am going to throw up.
Oh Holy Spirit please help me find that ring.
STEVE HAS NEVER TAKEN THAT RING OFF HIS FINGER SINCE MARCH 5, 2005 NEVER!!
I am so stupid! why did I make him take it off!!
Steve is so upset. I can't even beging to tell you how upset he is.
He isn't talking at all. he is as white as snow.
he keeps pacing and sighing.
he won't say anything!!
he jsut won't stop looking around every inch of this house
he just went throughall the trash piece by piece.
I am breaking out in hives.
He just sat down inthe living room and turned off the lights.
I wish he would at least yell at me or tell me how stupid & irresponsible I am.

DO YOU KNOW?

2008-12-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

any one out there wanna fill me on how I can change the pictures on the side bar of my blog. Like I want to update the pictures.
If any one can instruct me on how to do this I WILL FOREVER BE SO HAPPILY THANKFUL TO YOU!!! :)

Josh put these in for us whenever he set us up on the blog. I am pretty sure he did not pay anything to add these pic's (I have tried to change them by clicking on them but nothing happens & whenever I click the add image icon it puts the pics in my post not on the side bar)

This is Josh's senior year & he is so busy - he has not had a chance to even get Beth her wedding pic's yet so I know he will not have time to come and show me or do it for me.

BUT if it costs money then I am fine with the pictures we have up :) I just thought since I have really nice pic's we took at the pumpkin patch & the kids are older now too!!

So if any one has any ideas(on how to do this) let me know!!!